I've lost weight and my boyfriend doesn't like it

[morrowrd]

If a man raised his voice at me because of dirty dishes in the sink he'd be history and like you I was single for 10 years but it's not a good reason enough to stay in a relationship with an arse.

 

I would have given different advice had I known that part.

[Gaeta]

I personally don't understand why people fight in relationships like aren't people grateful to be in them? Why risk a whole relationship on a fight?

 

There is a HUGE difference between fighting over small stuffs and standing your grown on big stuff. You don't know how to make the difference.

 

Your boyfriend yelling at you over something as trivial as dirty dishes in the sink is abuse. You have only been dating a couple of months and this is him slowly training you to accept his dirt !

 

You should have told him that NO ONE yelled at you for the 13 years you were single and it's not now that you will put up with a boyfriend yelling at you for dirty dishes and IF he does that AGAIN only one more time he can consider this relationship OVER.

 

I apologized profusely and he continued to be seething mad. I later explained that I had prepared him dinner and I was going to clean up after myself later. Realizing what he had done, he said he was really sorry and asked for a hug. I felt weird, embarrassed and full of anger at myself for triggering him off. After all, I don't want to lose him. So I told him to sit down and I'll clean up. He offered to help but I insisted I finished what I started. It was a good distraction and it helped me fight off the tears. My boyfriend said he was starting to worry but I was determined for those dishes to shine and the kitchen to be flawless.

 

You behave exactly like a woman victim of abuse.

 

* You right away take the blame

* You accept the verbal abuse

* You don't defend yourself

* You want to please your abuser

* You think you can be perfect for your abuser

 

 

Plus it was me who made him yell and I don't want that to happen again.

 

He texted me and rang me to say he misses me and that nothing was my fault and to not beat myself up like that again. I said I'm not use to a caring man, so when he yelled I was sure it was over. I'd do absolutely anything to try and be the best he's ever had.

 

This makes me want to reach through my screen and shake you to reality.

 

Were you EVER victim of abuse? Did your parents mistreat you? or an ex boyfriend? ONLY a woman victim of abuse in her past would be convince it's her fault if she was abused and she deserved it.

 

He just asked that I start to trust him a bit better, because my actions are suggesting that I don't. He also said I know you're petrified of being single again, and that love for him is not conditional even if I think it is with him.

This man knows he can walk all over you and you'll never leave.

 

Daisy: You would benefit a great deal to go in therapy.

[NuevoYorko]

Hi Daisy. I agree that you will benefit from getting some counseling and your relationship will too.

 

You are on a dangerous path. You appear to be groveling at the feet of this man, constantly mentioning your many years of being single and your GRATITUDE to him for being in a relationship with you. There is not anything wrong with being grateful for your partner but you speak of the situation in a subservient, self demeaning way. He exhibits controlling behavior and your own behavior is feeding into it.

 

How long have you been with this man? Since I read your other thread I've tried to put your timeline together.

 

Regardless, you are not taking good care of yourself at this time; your self esteem needs help!

[Miss Peach]

Usually when a girl starts going to the gym or lose weight while in a relationship, it is a sign of cheating or her checking out emotionally. Maybe that is why he is feeling anxious.

 

My XH had this mindset... He couldn't handle it when I got any sort of attention from men. I don't know the full details but his constant jealousy is a large part of why I divorced him.

[BaileyB]

The thing that bothered me the most, aside from his obvious over reaction to the dishes in the sink, was the fact that you stated that you were angry at yourself for triggering him...

 

Honey, this is not a healthy thing to believe in a relationship. Nothing you do should "trigger" a man to yell or hurt you.

 

Had my boyfriend come home to find dishes in the sink, as we were enjoying the meal he would probably ask if there were any dishes left in the cupboards.... It would never be an issue.

 

I too have been single for a long time and I'm very happy to be in a relationship with a wonderful man. I too would do almost anything to make him happy, but the day that he yelled at me over dirty dishes and then told me not to beat myself up (when he clearly overreacted and was verbally abusive), would be the last day that I called him my boyfriend. Every relationship needs healthy boundaries and this is crossing the line...

Edited January 16, 2017 by BaileyB

[Zahara]

Daisy, this reminds me of my father. This is the first sign of whats to come and it won't be good.

 

Instead of coming home and thanking you for making him dinner and offering to help you clean, he verbally abused you. Instead of cleaning up on his own accord to help take some of the work off your shoulders, he verbally abused you. And in your subservience, you turned it around on yourself. And that you tolerated that treatment, has instilled in him that he can and will surely do it again.

 

This is not a healthy relationship and it's going to tear you down. He's showing you a huge red flag and it's only been a few months. I can't imagine what else is in store.

 

I know you have been single for many years but don't let that cause you to latch on to a relationship that isn't good for you. Magnifying and romanticizing it won't make it real.

[Redhead14]

Daisy, from following your threads, you are dating an unsuitable partner, plain and simple. You are wasting your time and emotion on this man. Get yourself healthy and comfortable in your own skin -- physically and emotionally.

[BlueRidgeMT]

Plenty of girls (who are with their boyfriends or who are sitting right next to their boyfriends in the car) check me out. And I am sure it is happening the other way around too. Instead of saying "it is in his head" you should try to understand where he MIGHT be coming from and address it. If you love him, do not dismiss his feelings as "Oh please. Nobody is looking" or "It is in your head" ... happy relationships work in a way partners address issues regardless of it is "his" problem or not. If it is something that bothers him, it is a relationship problem and you re in a position to do something about. That is love. Show it.

 

She IS showing love..JESUS what more can she do??? This guy is INSECURE..plan and simple, and you seem to be making excuses for him.

 

He wants her to stay fatter so he can feel comfy that no one will want her. Stevie Wonder can see that.

[BlueRidgeMT]

The thing is, this has come as a bit of a surprise to me. He NEVER acted this way or showed any concern that " men were looking" until now. I have lost maybe 33 pounds since being with him but that's due to getting rid of stress ( stopped studying) cutting out carbs and exercise- plus FINALLY getting a great guy! those are the reasons why I've lost weight, losing weight actually has been a result of him being in my life![/quote

 

 

OP...you are doing NOTHING wrong. NOTHING. You SHOULD want to be healthier. If you were overweight, you SHOULD want to watch what you eat regardless if you were single or dating. That is about being a healthier YOU.

 

Any man that was not just thinking about himself would be happy that you are trying to be healthier. Look..this is insecurity on his part. You are beating urself up over this. This is HIS issue, don't let ANYONE else tell you otherwise. You seem to be the type to just take all the blame whether you deserve it or not. You spend half a day cooking for this man, and he gets made because of dishes. You feel good about urself and lose weight because finally you feel good about urself and happy enough not to eat your bad feelings away and you now have lost weight and feel better. And PART of that is due to you being happy with him. Yet he is not happy about it, and is suspicious??? (insert eye roll here)

 

OP...this is about him. Its....about....him. You sound like a good woman. Don't let this man's insecurities mess with your head. You did nothing wrong.

 

And congrats for the weight loss!

[vampirebrat]

Help?

 

I read through your post and saw no mention of anything he's ever done for you. Well, apart from taking you out to dinner. Which to be honest, is just to keep you sweet on him. I've been with guys who've done the exact same thing, and I was naive enough to buy it.

 

I'm not going to sugarcoat things. This guy doesn't care about you. If he did, he wouldn't blow up at you for not doing the dishes. And he certainly wouldn't emotionally abuse you about your weightloss. A loving partner supports you, they lift you up and want to see you happy and fulfilled. This guy is a creep who wants you to think that you can't do any better. He doesn't want you to be desirable to other men. That's his problem, not yours.

 

You need to start putting yourself first. Maybe seek counselling for your insecurities. Dieting is a holistic thing after all. You can lose the weight, but if there's underlying issues it won't stay lost for long.

[GunslingerRoland]

With these two topics merged together this guy sounds like trouble. Starting to lose his temper and already showing signs of jealousy... these things won't get better they will get worse the more serious you get. You need to put a stop to them now, let him know you won't tolerate that kind of behavior. And see how he reacts to that.

 

As to the weight thing, many guys like thicker girls. If a guy starts dating you while you have extra weight, you can't always assume he's settling and that he can't wait for you to lose that weight because that is his preference.

[Versacehottie]

With these two topics merged together this guy sounds like trouble. Starting to lose his temper and already showing signs of jealousy... these things won't get better they will get worse the more serious you get. You need to put a stop to them now, let him know you won't tolerate that kind of behavior. And see how he reacts to that.

 

As to the weight thing, many guys like thicker girls. If a guy starts dating you while you have extra weight, you can't always assume he's settling and that he can't wait for you to lose that weight because that is his preference.

 

I agree with you Gunslinger. Things are bound to get worse. And you have a point that some guys prefer thicker girls. Wish OP's guy said that was his reason but unfortunately he didn't. He does not like that she is getting more attention from other guys even though there is nothing on her part to indicate she is taking action on that attention (which I'm sure is true; she sounds beyond loyal to this guy). I also think he actually doesn't like really like her newfound confidence with the weightloss which he probably can't even put his finger on or admit to himself so he is just trying to make her feel bad to take her down a notch. It's really not cool at all.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I think it's okay for a man to be house proud. Growing up, we ALWAYS had to be concerned about tidiness. That's how my dad liked it and it sort of brought more peace and less friction if the house was tidy. Less arguments and less stress.

My boyfriend made up for it though. He takes me out to places and usually pays. I don't like really eating much around him while I'm at his house or mine, which may have contributed to a bit more weight loss but that is because I don't want to make more mess. My boyfriend says he's concerned because of that reason too.

 

At first I found it kinda sweet and endearing ( but admittedly strange) that my boyfriend thought that the other guys liked me or noticed me. it's absolutely ridiculous to me to think that they would. My boyfriend is the first serious boyfriend in several years so naturally I tend to think he's a beautiful gift to a painful journey. Being in his arms makes me feel so relaxed and safe. But, I think it's more that he says he feels that I am a shining and rare pearl or gemstone that has been less discovered by others yet all the more beautiful to him. He feels protective.

 

I know what most of you are thinking and believing- that he could be trouble. But he is much nicer than my ex- who use to call me names and be little me in front of others. My boyfriend actually holds my hand in public and pays for things and buys me gifts- I have never experienced that before. To me, that's special and that is kindness.

 

He is a decent guy deep down. He just has a few insecurities, which man or woman doesn't?

[BaileyB]

I don't like really eating much around him while I'm at his house or mine, which may have contributed to a bit more weight loss but that is because I don't want to make more mess.

 

Daisy, my dear girl, of course it's very nice to have a man to spend time, go out and have fun together, and tell you that you are special. Everyone wants to find a relationship that brings them love, support, and fun! You deserve nothing less.

 

I'm concerned about this sentence. First, it's not normal to limit your eating in front of a man. Maybe on the first few dates;) But seriously, it's not a healthy thing to think or do. This is the slippery slope to an eating disorder.

 

And second, if you do this to avoid the mess... That is a woman who is trying not to trigger and/or appease an abusive man. You know that he will be upset by the mess, so you really avoid eating at his house to limit the mess/avoid the anger?

 

It is good to be house proud. I want my house to be clean and tidy too. But, if it's messy or if there are dishes out because I've cooked a big meal or I haven't had time to clean them that day, it not a big deal.

 

Love, you really need to find a counsellor to help you develop healthy boundaries in a relationship. It will help you so much toward your goal of finding a healthy and loving long term relationship. Take care.

[Versacehottie]

I think it's okay for a man to be house proud. Growing up, we ALWAYS had to be concerned about tidiness. That's how my dad liked it and it sort of brought more peace and less friction if the house was tidy. Less arguments and less stress.

My boyfriend made up for it though. He takes me out to places and usually pays. I don't like really eating much around him while I'm at his house or mine, which may have contributed to a bit more weight loss but that is because I don't want to make more mess. My boyfriend says he's concerned because of that reason too.

 

At first I found it kinda sweet and endearing ( but admittedly strange) that my boyfriend thought that the other guys liked me or noticed me. it's absolutely ridiculous to me to think that they would. My boyfriend is the first serious boyfriend in several years so naturally I tend to think he's a beautiful gift to a painful journey. Being in his arms makes me feel so relaxed and safe. But, I think it's more that he says he feels that I am a shining and rare pearl or gemstone that has been less discovered by others yet all the more beautiful to him. He feels protective.

 

I know what most of you are thinking and believing- that he could be trouble. But he is much nicer than my ex- who use to call me names and be little me in front of others. My boyfriend actually holds my hand in public and pays for things and buys me gifts- I have never experienced that before. To me, that's special and that is kindness.

 

He is a decent guy deep down. He just has a few insecurities, which man or woman doesn't?

 

You are speaking like you are oppressed already. It's disturbing. The act of "having a man" doesn't mean you are past your issues. Which are becoming even more apparent & pervasive as you are IN this relationship. I feel you tiptoeing around everything so you don't "lose" this guy. That's what it sounds like AND that your self esteem is very very low. The post above seems like it could have been written 50 years ago!!! UGH. If you depended on and believed in yourself, you would not be so accommodating of his behavior. And you wouldn't need his possessiveness to validate that you are desired by people--which now, in all honesty you seem to be gloating about and it's really disturbing. You are living in a bubble.

 

Am I the only one picking up on the tone of feigning mock surprise that other guys take notice?? OP, it seems like you are so entranced by your new bf that you are isolated already. You may or may not be garnering attention. But because he says so you believe it--because it bugs him. Maybe you got attention before but your self-esteem was so low that you didn't notice. I know your bf has convinced you that all these guys are after you furthering some fantasy over which he holds all the power. You are buying into it big time. It's dangerous. Listen, relationships are supposed to make you feel good and desired. This isn't really a good example of that. It feels like manipulation. I can see this is not the time for it to make it through to you but I hope you will at some point see that it isn't healthy. Trust me, most normal people are not envious of a relationship like this. Please wake up & take a good look & yes counseling will help. I'm not sure why you keep avoiding it, especially if in the middle of all this bliss you are STILL harping on your "painful journey". Wondering if you have ever considered that because you consider singledom of 13 years so horrible and painful that you have lowered your standards to an unbelievable low and not seeing things clearly with this guy. Just a thought.

[Gaeta]

I don't like really eating much around him while I'm at his house or mine, which may have contributed to a bit more weight loss but that is because I don't want to make more mess. My boyfriend says he's concerned because of that reason too.

 

I just fell off my chair when I read that. You are avoiding to eat because you are afraid to accidentally leave some bread crumbs on the kitchen counter that will lead him to yell at you.

 

How can you enjoy a relationship in which you are in constant fear of disapproval? How can you be yourself at all in this!

 

I know what most of you are thinking and believing- that he could be trouble. But he is much nicer than my ex- who use to call me names and be little me in front of others. My boyfriend actually holds my hand in public and pays for things and buys me gifts- I have never experienced that before. To me, that's special and that is kindness.

 

He is a decent guy deep down. He just has a few insecurities, which man or woman doesn't?

 

Your boyfriend is controlling. He may be controlling you in a different way but he is controlling and it's just a matter of time before he starts calling you names. Abuse is always something that is gradually imposed on you, it's not something that shows up BANG and there it is. No, it's one incident at a time, it starts with little incidents and builds up slowly then suddenly you find yourself in a full blown abusive relationship.

 

Being nice in public and buying you gift means nothing if once you are home you are afraid to eat in fear to mess the kitchen and anger him !!

 

Sure we all have some insecurities but we should NEVER be afraid to anger our partner. In a relationship you should be able to make mistakes without being yelled at, and we should be able to express any time our feelings from joy to frustration without fearing and outburst and being yelled at.

Edited January 22, 2017 by Gaeta

[Lilyana76]

Wow, there is A LOT more going on in this post than weight loss.

 

This relationship you are in is unhealthy to the MAX. You need to get out, and now! It's not going to get better.

 

The right partner would support a decision to become healthier. The right partner would comfort you and be there for you, not yell at you over dirty dishes or crumbs. (I have 3 kids there are dirty dishes and crumbs everywhere!)

 

Kick this guy to the curb. And get yourself some counseling for your self esteem and Past traumatic relationship issues.

 

Honestly after my separation and divorce, I lost a lot of weight. Mostly because I felt better, I was happier without him, and motivated to take care of myself better once the emotional abuse and neglect were out of my life. I'm only 5'1" and weighed 203 pounds when I left him. Now after a year of a lot of hard work, I'm down to 146 lbs. Only 20 more to my goal

 

You need to get out of this horrible relationship, and work on YOU! Date when you are HAPPY. Even if it takes 13 more years. I am now happy with my life. I'm dating again, but because I want someone to share my life with me, not because I NEED someone to validate my feelings and self worth.

[NuevoYorko]

Have you been dating this man for more than two months?

[joseb]

This sounds a bit like that movie "sleeping with the enemy"...