I've lost weight and my boyfriend doesn't like it

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Also, did you ever think, he may really prefer you heavier/curvier? Not every guys is into thin/fit women. Many prefer a woman with a bit of meat on their bones.

 

Perhaps it's not only that other guys may be noticing but, strange as it may be to you, his own attraction level may be dropping off because of your physical change.

 

Before I met my boyfriend, I was curvier and I barely got attention, so I don't think that's true really. A small minority of men like curvy woman but I don't think many men do. I'm surprised my boyfriend liked me at the weight I was. Even though I was in a healthy BMI.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Losing weight can make an "average"/"below average" person into a "hot" commodity and that for some is a step too far.

 

Also some men like "curvy" and are none too happy when their curvy gf turns into an androgynous "beanpole".

 

I agree with the first....definitely. I don't get the sense that this is what has happened in regards to the second. Some weight loss, but nothing dramatic, right, OP?

 

All of that may be true, and I believe you. But he did fall for you when you were heavier, that's who he fell for. Sure, he should be thrilled you've lost the weight, it's the healthy thing. But we can't always control how we feel.

 

As long as he doesn't try to control you, just reassure him that's he's still the man for you, regardless of what you look like.

 

Agreed.

 

My ex was 'curvy' and by no means over-weight. I loved being with her, but I must also admit that her body type is/was not my preferred body-type. I like athletic, some muscle. Anyway, there are certainly men who like the 'curvy' body type. No doubt.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Before I met my boyfriend, I was curvier and I barely got attention, so I don't think that's true really. A small minority of men like curvy woman but I don't think many men do. I'm surprised my boyfriend liked me at the weight I was. Even though I was in a healthy BMI.

 

Some women who are heavier still get attention for a number of reasons. It could be the basic body shape (i.e. some women are still "hourglass"-y when heavier), it could be personality...it could be how she dresses...whether she's fun...it could be the specific man (everyone has different preferences)...it could be anything.

 

You apparently either look or feel better, or both, at a lower weight. It could be a combination because you may feel more self-confident knowing you look/feel (physically) better and that could be communicating itself without your consciously realizing it.

 

So it's hard to make generalizations on this issue. What's more important is how un-self confident you sound in some of these posts, including what you just said: you were surprised your boyfriend liked you. IF (I don't know, so that's why I say "if") you are coming off as more confident, whether you realize this or not, that could be throwing him off. There is a possibility that he liked that you were less sure of yourself. That may have made him more sure of himself and more sure of you. You never know...and it's not like that never happens or anything. It does.

 

I would talk to him. I would tell him calmly, "I love you...and I love us. That 'us' means you...AND me. I want 'us' to be happy and how can we be if I'm miserable with myself? I did this to make MYSELF feel happier. I hope that will make US even stronger than we are now! I love you...only you. I hope you know that."

 

What he does from there will be on him. You can't make him feel better about all of this. Some of this is on you - reassuring him CALMLY (and not repetitively and not with tears or begging him to understand or anything) that you still love him, *plus* him coming to terms with the whole thing. That second part is on him...you can't do anything about it.

 

Give him a chance to get used to the change, to realize you're staying where you are and to stop the insecurity. If he continues to harp on this, then he has some sort of more serious issue and that's something you probably can't help him with. As I said, that part is on him.

 

You can only wait and see.

[bachdude]

This isn't the first time I've heard about women losing weight and their SOs getting insecure over it.

 

 

OP, did he get really upset over it or did he just inform you of his feelings? Is he pressuring you or asking you to change back to the curvier figure?

 

 

If not, then I don't see a problem here. He is just being transparent and vulnerable with you.

 

 

Guys are expected to be strong and secure all the time. But we are human beings too. I can't tell you how many times I have faked confidence, strength and security (often referred to as "manning up") for my SOs because I wanted to remain attractive to them. And my friends admit the same to me. I've talked with one of my friends about how exhausting it can be.

 

 

In a way, it takes security to admit as a man that you are insecure.

 

 

I'm just throwing another perspective on this situation. Maybe be grateful he feels comfortable enough to admit this to you.

[Fair]

You're healthier, you look better, your self esteem is probably improved, dump him. Why should anyone who claims to care about you object? It's not up to you to fix someone else's insecurities. News flash: you can't.

[losangelena]

Before I met my boyfriend, I was curvier and I barely got attention, so I don't think that's true really. A small minority of men like curvy woman but I don't think many men do. I'm surprised my boyfriend liked me at the weight I was. Even though I was in a healthy BMI.

 

Heh. This has not been my experience. I think far more men than you'd expect like a heavier woman. I do think there are social factors at play at to why they don't always approach, or a lot of them feel embarrassed.

 

You may not have gotten a lot of attention—not because of your body—but because of your attitude that "men don't look my way." I've found that, far beyond some extra pounds, men are turned off by a negative and closed off attitude. If you were walking around with the mindset of, "no one thinks I'm attractive," well that's a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm a (albeit on the smaller end) woman of size, and I don't find myself wont for male attention. However, I do find it lacking when I walk around with a "get the eff out of my face, loser," vibe. When I'm open, making eye contact, smiling, relaxed, I do attract guys, even at a larger size.

 

As far as your guy getting insecure about your weight loss ... I don't know what to tell you. Don't gain the weight back just because he's feeling insecure. See how this plays out over the next few months.

[umirano]

I find that "you're thinner, therefore you're too attractive" angle absurd. Do we have anything that supports this hypothesis?

 

As I've discovered my taste in women is quite a bit on the heavier side compared to most of my friends. If I wasn't madly in love with them, the sexual attraction was off the chart with thick women. And I'm not talking about BMI>30. Most women in my European University city on tinder are well below BMI=25, and I'm unimpressed.

 

Your BF may simply be put off sexually.

[Cookiesandough]

He is jealous and kind of manipulative, tbh. He's telling you he liked you better before because now "other men notice" and that bothers him. Trying to mask it as a personal preference is a manipulative tactic. Some people will use this to make their partner feel insecure about something good because it makes them feel insecure.

 

If a guy loves you a little weight gain or weight loss shouldnt not faze him and actually it should please him you are now healthier and happier. He's too consumed with himself to be happy for you too.

[kendahke]

It's not your job to reassure him. That is his problem, not yours. If he can't be happy that you started living a healthier life and feel happier yourself, he shouldn't be part of that life. Our partners shouldn't drag us back due to their insecurities. His problem is other guys looking at you?? A man should be proud!

 

 

exactly.

 

A confident man would say "yeah, and she's with me and not you, fam...", not dissolve into a puddle because his friends are noticing and said something to him to challenge him.

[smackie9]

he said, " other guys are beginning to notice too."

 

.

Do NOT tolerate this...put your foot down and tell him his imagination is getting the best of him. Tell him you are not changing because he's got insecurities, and he needs to get over it.

[spiderowl]

It sounds like he thinks you have more options now and would therefore choose someone else other than him. It's a sign his self-esteem is low I suppose.

 

There are also some guys who seem to delight in 'feeding up' their girlfriends. It doesn't sound like your guy is asking you to put on weight or encouraging it, so it is probably insecurity here.

[NuevoYorko]

Do NOT tolerate this...put your foot down and tell him his imagination is getting the best of him. Tell him you are not changing because he's got insecurities, and he needs to get over it.

 

Basically, I agree with this, but since the OP and her bf are in love I think it's acceptable to be a little easier on him.

 

Have an open talk; reassure him by being clear that you're only interested in HIM, regardless of who's looking at you. Make sure he knows you feel good about yourself. ONCE. After that, don't acknowledge his complaints any further. Don't give his insecurities more power in your relationship. Just carry on being healthy, looking fine, and loving each other.

 

If his insecurities don't abate, you might have a jealous controlling man on your hands, in which case I would not be supportive of "helping" him get over it any further. His insecurities are not your problem to resolve.

[WomenWubber]

Do 1 more extra rep for every time he nags you for being healthy.

 

[Empyrea]

You should try to find out why he's really bothered. It could be one of two very different reasons (or something else entirely?):

 

a) is it because of the jealousy? Which honestly seems like a bit of a red flag and makes him sound insecure and controlling. I mean - when you're out together, he should be paying attention to YOU, not fleeting looks some random guys might be giving you. A secure guy would feel proud to have such an attractive girlfriend. I remember your other thread - already then I had a slight inkling that he was acting all nice and reasonable, because it was the early stages of the relationship (and he didn't want to put you off), but that it seemed like he had just a little too much input regarding whether or not you meet your ex, and that he might turn into controlling at later stages of the relationship - so be mindful and be careful!! If he continues to act jealous and can't trust you even if you have given him ZERO reasons to doubt you, then aggressive, controlling behaviour is just around the corner.

 

or is it b) because he actually has a strong preference for "curvier" women? This could end up being a deal breaker in another way. Some men are actually turned off by a slim figure and strongly prefer a little extra skin to grab onto.. However, if you feel happier and healthier when slimmer, then this is a problem! Either you feel uncomfortable and he's happy, or you're healthy, but he's not attracted to you. Do you know what type of women he's been involved with in the past?

 

My hunch is that it's more towards the first and I don't like it. Just because you haven't had a relationship in a long time, doesn't mean you have to settle for a control freak. Hopefully that's not the case, but still, be careful!

Edited January 15, 2017 by Empyrea

[Versacehottie]

Hi guys

 

I've never experienced this before because most guys I use to meet use to probably REJECTED me because I was a bit "curvier". Apart from my now current boyfriend, who said he liked me/ loved me for many years before making a move.

 

After years on end, being lonely and single, I am finally in a relationship and really happy. My loneliness is mostly gone- although sometimes I fear that the rug will be pulled up under my feet and something will happen, and we will end up breaking up or something. But I make sure that doesn't happen, I'm pretty good at showing my gratitude to him. I like to cook for him and surprise him. The sex is excellent, and we've become superb at it together.

 

However, he's noticed that I've lost quite a bit of weight since being with him. I find this not to be surprising, after all, I'm not eating my loneliness away, and I'm staying clear of carbs. I also want to remain healthy not only for me but him and just in case we have children in the future. I thought in some ways, this would be a bonus, his girlfriend is looking better than ever? What is there to worry about?

 

Well, according to him- he's getting a bit more concerned. Usually, he's a calm guy; he's not possessive in any way shape or form. In fact, for those who don't know, my ex from 13 years ago wanted to take me out for lunch for a " catch up" he could have acted really jealous, but he wasn't and the only reason why I didn't have a " catch up lunch" with my ex was out of respect for my current boyfriend and because there is nothing to resolve, After all, my current boyfriend is the first boyfriend I have had SINCE my ex, so there was no way that I was going to screw anything up in the slightest by having a casual lunch with an old boyfriend.

 

However, he has started acting a bit weird since I have lost weight. He told me he noticed I begun to look slim- I said to him " I'm surprised you're not pleased?" He said " he preferred me a bit thicker" and then he said what I was not expecting, he said, " other guys are beginning to notice too."

 

I was shocked. No other guys look at me. They never have, hence why I was single for almost 13 years, but now all of a sudden, they're staring at me? I doubted it very much, and I reassured him that no men look at me, that he is the only man who does, and even if there were the slightest chance that they did, I would not consider them, I'm with the greatest man alive, the man I'm entirely grateful for and I'm quite surprised by his attitude, he never actually showed any jealousy or concern before.

 

I told him that I feel the healthiest I've ever felt and the happiest- because I am with a man I love and who loves me. He said that it's not me he's not concerned about, but when we go out, he notices that men look at me and that he noticed at first that it was maybe one or two, so it didn't bother him, but now he notices it's a lot of different men stare at me and he can't help but feel protective and slightly jealous.

 

It's such a different man than the man I use to know. I'm used to this kind and a collected man whose feathers barely ever get ruffled, and if they do, he's quick to apologise. But now, he's slightly paranoid that other people are looking. I have told him, even if other men look ( which I don't think they are) then that doesn't mean that I am going to act on it. He has told me that he knows that I am extremely loyal and grateful which he loves, but that doesn't mean that other guys won't start hitting on me. He tells me ever since I've lost weight, men notice me more, and it bothers him. I've never seen this side of my boyfriend before, one who is slightly insecure. Usually, he's about as strong as solid oak, so seeing this side of him bothers ME. Usually, he's stronger and more secure than me! And never shows any sign of jealousy or fear of any sort.

 

How do I reassure him that he has nothing to worry about? I still want to exercise, eat healthily and go out with my boyfriend without him paranoid that some guy is looking at me. I don't believe men look at me anyway, when I am with my boyfriend, I only have eyes for him.

 

Um, seriously?? Super huge eye roll, Daisy. I'm losing count of how many times you mention being single for 13 years, all the times bolded above and many more in the course of the thread not to mention countless others. Get. Over. It. It doesn't even have bearing on your current problem--yet you bring it up. I think a few of us mentioned on your last thread about this current bf that as happy as you seemed to be (and we were happy for you!) that you still had significant unresolved stuff that would rear it's ugly head and that the bf alone and isolating yourself away wasn't the REAL solution. And here we go again.

 

If I was him, it'd drive me crazy that you bring it up repeatedly that you've been single for 13 years--as if you are some desperate person who is clinging to him for that fact alone. What about just liking him for the great guy he is and dropping the melodramatics? Now, great guy, that is subjective. I think based on your previous posts and your supposed happiness that he seems to have some great qualities (and there is no one perfect person). However, and it's a huge however, bolded above you say he is not possessive? Um, what's going on about his feelings about your weight and it bringing attention from other guys is THE VERY DEFINITION in perfect example of possessiveness. The was and is the desire by both of you to isolate yourselves in some romantic fantasy--anything else is a threat to the relationship. It's b.s. and not healthy. It's a complete turn off that he is so insecure that his reasons for not liking your weight loss are that other guys are noticing you. I probably would have dropped him on the spot. It's another thing altogether if he truly prefers a bigger size on you (because 33 lbs is significant change in what your body looks like--congratulations that sounds really healthy & it's great--extra attention from guys be damned). But he clearly said that was not the reason. I know you have a tendency to create problems where there are none. This has red flags waving all over it. I would be so insulted that a better you was offensive or a threat to him that he would prefer that you stay the previous way--only because it brings more attention from guys. That's offensive both to your integrity as a gf, your self-esteem, self-worth, his insecurities and benefits to your health. It is controlling and possessive--if you agree to make yourself "less so" to keep him happy. *the last sentence in no way refers to what weight a person is--just that a person who is happier, healthier and garnering more overall attention and feeling like she bettered herself makes her bf feel belittled and he feels a need to keep her in a lesser state in order to keep her options low. What a joke. Literally would have dropped him on the spot.

[Gaeta]

Daisy: Only in your imagination and in the media skinny women get more attention. I always had a lot of attention from men and I am not skinny. Actually I got much more attention from men at 150-lbs than at 125lbs. Men want women to look like women with boobs and hips not like pre-puberty girls built like boys.

 

That being said there is nothing wrong with men looking at you. They probably always looked at you but you were so insecure and had too low self-esteem to notice.

 

Since you started dating this man I didn't like him. From the beginning he appeared manipulative, controlling and now jealous. He suggested you get rid of your friends, that you delete people from your fb even delete the fb, and now it bothers him that men look at you.

 

Your bf is insecure and jealous. He should be proud men look at you and straight up his chest thinking 'look all you want she is mine'.

 

Year ago when I was married I had lost a lot of weight around 80-lbs. OF COURSE men looked at me and even our friends would look at me differently. When you lose a lot of weight people look it's normal. My ex-husband was SO damn jealous he could not stand men looking at me and each time we would get back home he'd get mad at me for 'men looking at me' AS IF it was my fault !! He was so un-supportive of me that I ended up gaining 40-lbs back. When I think about it I feel so mad at myself, I should just have told him to DEAL WITH IT.

[morrowrd]

Men are probably looking, so get used to it. He's just going to have to get used to having a beautiful girlfriend that gets noticed. Just because he is bringing it to your attention doesn't take anything away from his strength as a good man, he's secure in who he is, if he's what you're describing. Any man, or most of us are going to notice when other men check out our women. Do you know what I do? I hold her close, continue to tell her she's beautiful and even though other men look at her, I'll whisper in her ear "you're mine!!" She LOVES it when I say this to her.

 

Maybe snuggle up to your man while your out and about. Tell him the things you're telling us on this forum while you're out shopping or whatever. Make grocery shopping a date-like atmosphere. Soon, it will be just the two of you in the store, or where ever you are. Your man can smile, knowing you belong to him.

 

I thank my lady every single day for being my girlfriend. He should do the same for you.

 

Enjoy your romance.

[Erised]

I find that "you're thinner, therefore you're too attractive" angle absurd. Do we have anything that supports this hypothesis?

 

As I've discovered my taste in women is quite a bit on the heavier side compared to most of my friends. If I wasn't madly in love with them, the sexual attraction was off the chart with thick women. And I'm not talking about BMI>30. Most women in my European University city on tinder are well below BMI=25, and I'm unimpressed.

 

Your BF may simply be put off sexually.

 

My man prefers thicker women, especially those with hips and an arse. For him, it's not obese, but definitely larger.

 

But, the OP said he commented on other men staring unhappily..

My guy actually likes that.

 

So it could be jealousy, too.

[bachdude]

Daisy, I just read your last thread about how your boyfriend blew his stack because you left dirty dishes in the sink from cooking dinner for him. I have a better picture now.

 

 

And I was VERY concerned in your last thread you were acting like YOU were responsible for HIS angry reaction. It was completely concerning that you went home to cry because of what YOU did. Daisy come on, really??

 

 

You do realize that all of us, including your BF, are responsible for our OWN emotions.

 

 

I know that he apologized right away but I think you need to stop putting this guy on a pedestal. He has a short fuse and I am concerned he's going to blow his stack again over this current issue, and then you are going to blame yourself again.

 

 

Daisy, listen... It isn't healthy to be an over the top people pleaser. It will destroy you inside. You need to put up some real boundaries with your BF or I don't see it working out for you in the long hall. Sure, he might like his new found Stepford wife but you'll be miserable.

[Ronnys93]

Take a serious listen to what people in here are telling you. They're right.

[NuevoYorko]

Daisy, I just read your last thread about how your boyfriend blew his stack because you left dirty dishes in the sink from cooking dinner for him. I have a better picture now.

 

Yup. I just read that thread as well, and I have to backpedal on my earlier post. The guy raging because of dirty dishes and, a month later, haranguing you for being attractive to men raises serious red flags about a controlling nature.

 

Also, just two months ago, you had a thread about dating a guy who came on very strong and clingy. I'm thinking that because of this time frame it's the same guy? Even more flags.

 

Off the topic, but if you have been dating this guy for 2 months and have lost 33 pounds, I find that concerning. Maybe I've got the timeline wrong.

[Versacehottie]

Daisy, I just read your last thread about how your boyfriend blew his stack because you left dirty dishes in the sink from cooking dinner for him. I have a better picture now.

 

 

And I was VERY concerned in your last thread you were acting like YOU were responsible for HIS angry reaction. It was completely concerning that you went home to cry because of what YOU did. Daisy come on, really??

 

 

You do realize that all of us, including your BF, are responsible for our OWN emotions.

 

 

I know that he apologized right away but I think you need to stop putting this guy on a pedestal. He has a short fuse and I am concerned he's going to blow his stack again over this current issue, and then you are going to blame yourself again.

 

 

Daisy, listen... It isn't healthy to be an over the top people pleaser. It will destroy you inside. You need to put up some real boundaries with your BF or I don't see it working out for you in the long hall. Sure, he might like his new found Stepford wife but you'll be miserable.

 

Agreed bachdude. This is not controlling behavior whatsoever.

[Versacehottie]

Daisy: Only in your imagination and in the media skinny women get more attention. I always had a lot of attention from men and I am not skinny. Actually I got much more attention from men at 150-lbs than at 125lbs. Men want women to look like women with boobs and hips not like pre-puberty girls built like boys.

 

That being said there is nothing wrong with men looking at you. They probably always looked at you but you were so insecure and had too low self-esteem to notice.

 

Since you started dating this man I didn't like him. From the beginning he appeared manipulative, controlling and now jealous. He suggested you get rid of your friends, that you delete people from your fb even delete the fb, and now it bothers him that men look at you.

 

Your bf is insecure and jealous. He should be proud men look at you and straight up his chest thinking 'look all you want she is mine'.

 

Year ago when I was married I had lost a lot of weight around 80-lbs. OF COURSE men looked at me and even our friends would look at me differently. When you lose a lot of weight people look it's normal. My ex-husband was SO damn jealous he could not stand men looking at me and each time we would get back home he'd get mad at me for 'men looking at me' AS IF it was my fault !! He was so un-supportive of me that I ended up gaining 40-lbs back. When I think about it I feel so mad at myself, I should just have told him to DEAL WITH IT.

 

Good points, Gaeta. This bolded can be a really common thing that happens when one of the two in a long-standing couple loses weight, which makes a little more sense, even if it is unacceptable. Unfortunately, Daisy has been dating this guy for a few months which combined with some other stuff going on with them make it just a really scary proposition (i missed the dishes in the sink one--that was really bad). When someone has to keep you down in order to feel secure or up about themselves it is not a healthy or safe relationship where good things will happen. I'd go single another 13 rather than stay with someone with required the condition that I keep myself down so he could feel comfortable. Just saying, Daisy.

[Jj66]

Good grief. Sorry but he sounds very insecure, manipulative, and controlling.

 

I LIKE it when other guys look at my gf. Just like the song Jesse's Girl, they can envy me all they want.

 

And if someone succeeds in wooing her away from me? I'll be sad for a little while then I'll find another quality woman who wants to be with me.

 

I do not believe in the myth of "the one" It's a very harmful myth since it makes us do stupid stuff. There are lots of quality people out there that we can have deep and meaningful relationships with.

[Gaeta]

Since you started dating this man I didn't like him. From the beginning he appeared manipulative, controlling and now jealous. He suggested you get rid of your friends, that you delete people from your fb even delete the fb, and now it bothers him that men look at you.

 

[]

 

If a man raised his voice at me because of dirty dishes in the sink he'd be history and like you I was single for 10 years but it's not a good reason enough to stay in a relationship with an arse.

Edited January 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic ~6