Suicidial over being dateless

[someloser]

Forgot to add that the third reason I didn't like it was that from the get go it was just a humiliating experience for me. All of my friends have real relationships or experience (they had sex without having to pay for it with people that really liked them they had real roles in life boyfriend/husband/father/real adult) and here I am a looser virgin at 26 that had to resort to loosing his virginity to a hooker because he was too scared to say hi to a girl. When it was all said in done I just felt more pathetic.

 

Sorry keep thinking. But another thing I really liked about being with my coworker she took control of the situation which took a lot of pressure of me and as a result my brain had one of those rare moments where it shut off and I was just able to enjoy the moment.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I see a common theme of regret in your posts. We all have them. I've failed to step out of my own comfort zones before regarding my work. I could have advanced in my career but I was to chicken chit to go for it. I was comfortable. The thing about being comfortable is that you are no longer growing as a person. Somebody once told me that I need to be more comfortable with being uncomfortable. Get used to the uncomfortable feeling and embrace it. As you go into a situation uncomfortable, it's scary. Then after time, you realize you are now comfortable in that new skin and it really doesn't even take that long to get there. That is growth right there.

 

The regret comes from not pushing yourself in to those uncomfortable situations and taking them on. It can be a nightmare in our minds to face a lot of our fears. However, when you are facing them, most people soon realise that their fear is over exaggerating the actual situation or task or whatever you are pushing yourself to do. You look back and think, "well that wasn't near as bad as I thought it would be" the old 'Nothing to fear but fear itself' saying is spot on as always. If you try and failed, you learn your limits and learned more about yourself and again, you grew as a person. You will have no regrets if you try and succeed or try and fail. Your life will be filled with it if you never try.

 

Setting goals for yourself is important to helping with depression as well. Set small goals and work from there. Like go to a coffee shop and strike up a conversation with someone. Doesn't even have to be a girl or anything. Sit near another dude, or a lady, like not creepily close to them or anything lol. And just say something to him/her. Doesn't matter what. "You catch that game last night?" "Can you believe this weather?" "Hey I like that shirt, where did you get it?" "You doing alright today?" Doesn't have to be anything particularly interesting, doesn't have to be profound. Just be the first to speak to a random stranger about a random thing. Take their reaction with a grain of salt even. After all it's not about them, this is an exercise for you. Get comfortable being uncomfortable for a bit. Next thing you know, like seriously a few times of doing this and it will seem like a piece of cake! Set some small goals like that that slightly pull you out of that comfortable space of yours. Little by little, as you achieve these goals, no matter how small you think they are, you will instantly start feeling better about yourself. You will start to push out of that shell a little more each time. Like a snow ball rolling down a hill, just getting bigger and picking up speed. Till one day you will look back and see all the ground you have made. All the growth and change. And you will feel maybe a little silly even at your fears from before. Baby steps at first. But you have got to start somewhere. Set a goal, one that is uncomfortable, then go out and do it. Keep doing it until that goal no longer feels uncomfortable. Then set a new one.

 

Let us know of this new goal whatever you choose it to be. Let us know how it went. Keep us posted. This is a support your neighbors site after all. We are all here both for support and to support.

[friendlyfriend]

Hey Someloser. I wanted to apologize for sounding like an arrogant attack dog in my post. I'm really much more sympathetic to your situation and sorry that you are in this dark hole. I hope you'll forgive the harshness. I guess I just wanted to shake you out of the FEAR (False Evidence Appearing Real) that you are using to condemn yourself. You really sound as if you have a lot of personal qualities that should give you confidence to build a life that is satisfying and meaningful.

You do have to assert the good things that you know about yourself. I think life is much more meaningful and purposeful than you seem to give it and we are made to be able to learn and change and be victorious over our circumstances and weaknesses. There are so many helps and helpers to work with in our world today, and so much to have hope for. I didn't express that very lovingly to you and therefore not very encouraging. But I do want to encourage you to see a different look at life and be more confidant as to what your future might hold...I think it could be very awesome for you if you saw the truth of the matter.

Depression runs in our family, and I have taken anti-depressants for a number of years because I needed to. It's been a great aid in getting on more solid ground and seeing life more accurately and workable, which then led to being able to move on and grow.

Get whatever help you need, use them like tools, to develop a better foundation for living and choosing, and celebrate your victories, and eventually you'll want to pass that realization on to others. That's what I really wanted to express to you and hope you can sense my best intentions and wishes for your life and future.

You're on your way, so keep on keepin' on!

[shoplocal]

Hello, I'm a 36 year old male that's never had a girlfriend in his life.

 

I've dated here and there (when I've somehow have gotten dates) nothing has worked out. I'm super shy for some reason and cannot/will not approach anyone if you held a gun to my head and ordered me to say hi to a woman I would get shot. I'm not alone buy any means. i have friends and family and they all tell me what a great person I am. That I'm smart, funny, nice etc...

 

I have one female friend that even says I'm attractive just need to get over the shyness and stuff. They all say I have cool interest (Astronomy/cosmology/science, computer science, asian culture, classic literature, I'm even a bedroom dj) I guess I just consider myself a loser and the main driving force behind that thought is I've never had a girlfriend. Hell the only reason I'm not a virgin is because I finally got tired of my virginity and paid a hooker. Sex wasn't even that great and I faked my orgasm just to get it over with. Combine this with me loosing my job this year and I'm just end a bad place.

 

I consider myself a defective human being and honestly I just want to kill myself and get it over with. All of my friend have kids and families and relationships. I'm left to watch life's passing parade. Then all of my view points in the world are getting twisted. I see the world as a increasingly superficial place were you have to be "Christian Grey" to really succeed at anything especially relationships. Thing is I have no desire to be like that whatsoever. I don't know maybe I don't need to watch shows on Bravo lol.

 

Think Real Housewives or Vanderpump rules will make anyone feel like that. But If eel like thats what you have to be just about. And I'm not. I don't like money or I don't like that to be the focus on life because it can go real easily. I don't mind luxury and nice things (I shop at nice stores like express or banana republic when I can but at the same time don't like life to revolve around that. Just don't think I fit in today's world. I think I'm just afraid of life don't even go out to much because I don't like going out by myself, I don't drive because I'm scared I will **** up and wreck. Just scared risk in general. Probably doesn't help that I read the infidelity forums on here a lot lol.

 

I should point out I do have depression and a history with suicidal behavior been treated etc... just I don't know anymore. I feel like I'm a defective human being that needs to be sent back to the factory so to speak...via .38. I just don't know. I feel like I'm in my own personal void just fading away.

 

They don't make comedies about the 40 year old player or the guy who gets a lot of dates. They make them about people like me. Because we're ****ups who can't even get a date.

 

I'm a 34 year old woman, and I have the same level of despair - also never have been in a relationship, also lost my virginity through an internet hookup since no one was interested in me. I turn 35 this year and all I can think of is the death of my dream of starting a family, and the reality of living an increasingly alone and isolated life. I want to die. I'm currently too weak to do it - I just cry and research different methods.

 

I don't have anything helpful to say - just that I understand you and the pain you are feeling.

[shoplocal]

p { margin-bottom: 0.1in; line-height: 120%; } Hello, thanks for the response. I have some hobbies I'm into astronomy/cosmology (like really into it. Wouldn't mind going to school for it. Love me some outer space), Computer science, I'm into classic literature, I like studying different languages and cultures in particular Asian culture, I'm a geek. Star Trek, Star Wars, anime, video games I'm into it (anyone see that coming? ) I'm into all kinds of music my favs are electronically (trance, house etc... was even teaching myself to DJ at one point. Which is weird right? DJ's are HIGHLY social), and I'm a huge rock guy. Because of my race I listen to R&B and hip-hop but I don't relate most of it is about love or ego. Never been in love and my ego isn't worth anything lol.

 

Is this code for 'I'm black'? :-p I'm black, too, btw. Metalhead. Didn't start listening to rap/hip hop until I discovered Lil Wayne some years ago - not huge on R&B, though.

 

On another note, your environment seems to be a little destructive. Is there any way you can move to a different part of your city? Not saying it will help anything, but hanging around with crackheads doesn't sound awesome (never done it, but I've seen'em and it looks no bueno).

 

Good luck. Message me any time if you want to vent to a fellow black nerd/weirdo.

Save

[someloser]

Hello, it's been a few weeks since I've been on I've been kind of laying low from online activity the last few weeks. Wanted to give everyone an update. Overall mood is slightly better though I'm more or less still in a funk. Still feel like I'm in my void. My father is 95 years old and I'm his primary caretaker. He has a whole team of people that take care of him from the VA including a psychologist who I talked to and was able to get me on Prozac. Good o'l tried but true time tested Prozac. Haven't been on it too long and it's still trying to get in my system. But none the less at least I'm on some meds now so give it a few weeks and see how I'm feeling. Though I've been on meds before and I never notice a mood change others do I don't meh well see. Mean time still looking for work. Honestly I haven't been trying to hard honestly not sure what I want to do. Think I want to go back to school and maybe get into cyber security. Would love to do cosmology but there aren't many career paths for a cosmologist and as much as I don't like money it is necessary in this world. But perfect world I would try to be a cosmologist. Oh well maybe I can pursue it as a minor or something one day.

[someloser]

I see a common theme of regret in your posts. We all have them. I've failed to step out of my own comfort zones before regarding my work. I could have advanced in my career but I was to chicken chit to go for it. I was comfortable. The thing about being comfortable is that you are no longer growing as a person. Somebody once told me that I need to be more comfortable with being uncomfortable. Get used to the uncomfortable feeling and embrace it. As you go into a situation uncomfortable, it's scary. Then after time, you realize you are now comfortable in that new skin and it really doesn't even take that long to get there. That is growth right there.

 

The regret comes from not pushing yourself in to those uncomfortable situations and taking them on. It can be a nightmare in our minds to face a lot of our fears. However, when you are facing them, most people soon realise that their fear is over exaggerating the actual situation or task or whatever you are pushing yourself to do. You look back and think, "well that wasn't near as bad as I thought it would be" the old 'Nothing to fear but fear itself' saying is spot on as always. If you try and failed, you learn your limits and learned more about yourself and again, you grew as a person. You will have no regrets if you try and succeed or try and fail. Your life will be filled with it if you never try.

 

Setting goals for yourself is important to helping with depression as well. Set small goals and work from there. Like go to a coffee shop and strike up a conversation with someone. Doesn't even have to be a girl or anything. Sit near another dude, or a lady, like not creepily close to them or anything lol. And just say something to him/her. Doesn't matter what. "You catch that game last night?" "Can you believe this weather?" "Hey I like that shirt, where did you get it?" "You doing alright today?" Doesn't have to be anything particularly interesting, doesn't have to be profound. Just be the first to speak to a random stranger about a random thing. Take their reaction with a grain of salt even. After all it's not about them, this is an exercise for you. Get comfortable being uncomfortable for a bit. Next thing you know, like seriously a few times of doing this and it will seem like a piece of cake! Set some small goals like that that slightly pull you out of that comfortable space of yours. Little by little, as you achieve these goals, no matter how small you think they are, you will instantly start feeling better about yourself. You will start to push out of that shell a little more each time. Like a snow ball rolling down a hill, just getting bigger and picking up speed. Till one day you will look back and see all the ground you have made. All the growth and change. And you will feel maybe a little silly even at your fears from before. Baby steps at first. But you have got to start somewhere. Set a goal, one that is uncomfortable, then go out and do it. Keep doing it until that goal no longer feels uncomfortable. Then set a new one.

 

Let us know of this new goal whatever you choose it to be. Let us know how it went. Keep us posted. This is a support your neighbors site after all. We are all here both for support and to support.

 

Thanks for the advice and I completely agree. My life is filled with regret because I was never able to push myself and I need to start pushing myself out of my comfort zones. I think I will need some coaching and therapy to help do this though. Though now I'm on meds and have my dads psych to talk to I was thinking about emailing that life coach back and accept her services as she was talking about having me do the same thing. Set small goals like saying hi to people on line and taking it from there.

[d0nnivain]

I read the title of your post then skipped to page 3.

 

 

Glad you reached out to a mental health professional & that person was able to help you. Give the meds time to work.

 

 

Don't worry about dating for right now. Concentrate on your goal to become a cosmetologist. Having a routine & a job will help more with self esteem then a relationship. When you get in that healthier place the better relationship will come along.

 

 

If you can't start at cosmetologist can you do something related in the short term like work at the make-up counter of your local department store or even sell Avon or Mary-Kay as an entry into the field?

[someloser]

Hey Someloser. I wanted to apologize for sounding like an arrogant attack dog in my post. I'm really much more sympathetic to your situation and sorry that you are in this dark hole. I hope you'll forgive the harshness. I guess I just wanted to shake you out of the FEAR (False Evidence Appearing Real) that you are using to condemn yourself. You really sound as if you have a lot of personal qualities that should give you confidence to build a life that is satisfying and meaningful.

You do have to assert the good things that you know about yourself. I think life is much more meaningful and purposeful than you seem to give it and we are made to be able to learn and change and be victorious over our circumstances and weaknesses. There are so many helps and helpers to work with in our world today, and so much to have hope for. I didn't express that very lovingly to you and therefore not very encouraging. But I do want to encourage you to see a different look at life and be more confidant as to what your future might hold...I think it could be very awesome for you if you saw the truth of the matter.

Depression runs in our family, and I have taken anti-depressants for a number of years because I needed to. It's been a great aid in getting on more solid ground and seeing life more accurately and workable, which then led to being able to move on and grow.

Get whatever help you need, use them like tools, to develop a better foundation for living and choosing, and celebrate your victories, and eventually you'll want to pass that realization on to others. That's what I really wanted to express to you and hope you can sense my best intentions and wishes for your life and future.

You're on your way, so keep on keepin' on!

 

No worries I didn't take it like that. I actually appreciated that point of view and I really appreciate you explaining the FEAR factor. That's actually the first I've heard of it and honestly I think that it's 100% me. I take a few negative things blow them up and use them to completely condemn me. Example can't talk to girls, can't get a girlfriend translates in my head to I'm a total looser who doesn't fit in with life or other humans. Maybe as I continue to get help and stay on meds this will get better. I hope so anyway....

[someloser]

Is this code for 'I'm black'? :-p I'm black, too, btw. Metalhead. Didn't start listening to rap/hip hop until I discovered Lil Wayne some years ago - not huge on R&B, though.

 

On another note, your environment seems to be a little destructive. Is there any way you can move to a different part of your city? Not saying it will help anything, but hanging around with crackheads doesn't sound awesome (never done it, but I've seen'em and it looks no bueno).

 

Good luck. Message me any time if you want to vent to a fellow black nerd/weirdo.

Save

 

 

First thank you for sharing your feelings and situation with me. They say misery loves company and knowing I'm not alone in my suffering does help in the sense that I'm not the only one and may not be as big of a freak as I thought. I hope we're both able to find someone special to share life with. Second yeah that was code for I'M black and wow another nerdy black metal head!!!!!! AWESOME!!!!! Now I really don't feel as alone. Yeah my environment isn't the best. It's more or less your stereotypical "hood" environment. Though police have taken some drastic steps to increase presence in the area and the neighborhood council is trying to clean up the place but I do need to get away from here.

[someloser]

I read the title of your post then skipped to page 3.

 

 

Glad you reached out to a mental health professional & that person was able to help you. Give the meds time to work.

 

 

Don't worry about dating for right now. Concentrate on your goal to become a cosmetologist. Having a routine & a job will help more with self esteem then a relationship. When you get in that healthier place the better relationship will come along.

 

 

If you can't start at cosmetologist can you do something related in the short term like work at the make-up counter of your local department store or even sell Avon or Mary-Kay as an entry into the field?

 

Thank you for the advice. I appreciate it. And you're right don't think i need to think about dating as much as just working myself atm. I want to be a cosmologist that's someone who studies the universe. A lot of people get the two confused because cosmology/cosmetology sound so similar and most people never heard of cosmology. My best friend thought I was talking about cosmetology too when I first told him about it and was like really never knew you were into makeup and his GF corrected him. But the main problem with that field is there isn't a lot of work for it unless you become professor somewhere.

[d0nnivain]

Sorry. I screwed that up. Studying the universe sounds way cooler. Definitely do that! Is there a planetarium anywhere near you that you could work at even as a usher while pursuing your degree? Talk to your favorite professor about employment opportunities. Perhaps with the correct minor to go with your rare major you will be more marketable.

 

 

I have a degree in English so I do understand about not having a direct correlation to getting a job.

[someloser]

Sorry. I screwed that up. Studying the universe sounds way cooler. Definitely do that! Is there a planetarium anywhere near you that you could work at even as a usher while pursuing your degree? Talk to your favorite professor about employment opportunities. Perhaps with the correct minor to go with your rare major you will be more marketable.

 

 

I have a degree in English so I do understand about not having a direct correlation to getting a job.

 

No worries There is a planetarium here but I've never thought about working there that is a great idea! I will also try to talk to a professor about some employment opportunities in that field. I follow a few on twitter I'll send them a message and see what they say. Thanks! And I think English is a cool degree. I didn't appreciate it much when I was in school but now I'm out of school and on a classic literature kick because I realize the only thing my English teachers made me read was animal farm and the outsiders and only introduction to Shakespeare was the Romeo and Juliet movie staring Leonardo DeCapio well plus I have poor grammar... it's something I have a much better appreciation and respect for now. I wish I went somewhere where they did make us read Virgil and Homer... Dante Alighieri has become my fav. Point is English is cool!

[someloser]

On another note I'm sorry for being a bit of a newbie when it comes to the features on here, haven't had a chance to use most of them but I was wondering how do you use the messaging feature of the site? I see the contact list and the PM pop-up but when I try to PM it takes me to a page that says

 

Someloser, you do not have permission to access this page. This could be due to one of several reasons:

1. Your user account may not have sufficient privileges to access this page. Are you trying to edit someone else's post, access administrative features or some other privileged system?
   
2. If you are trying to post, the administrator may have disabled your account, or it may be awaiting activation.
   

[d0nnivain]

You only get PM privileges after I think 30 days & 100 posts or if you pay to upgrade to premium. There's a stickie somewhere that tells you the rules.

[Robert]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/loveshack-org-questions-comments/373984-consolidated-question-information-thread-established-membership-private-messages

 

~6

[sprotz]

I am in almost the exact situation, probably worse because I'm mixed race, except I'm 34. and I thought I was alone. I consider myself a genetic defect, a mistake of nature that must exit the universe.

[d0nnivain]

I am in almost the exact situation, probably worse because I'm mixed race, except I'm 34. and I thought I was alone. I consider myself a genetic defect, a mistake of nature that must exit the universe.

 

 

You are not a genetic defect nor a mistake of nature. You are simply a unique person who has yet to find his partner.

 

 

What are you doing to meet people sprotz? They aren't going to come to you. You have to make the effort.

[sprotz]

I did what I possibly could with the circumstances given to me by fate. I grew up in isolation from any nice females, so I couldn't get a girlfriend in high school. I was too chicken and too awkward to even interact with the very few girls available in that time. But after I left for London, UK, fate worked on me again. I ended up in an area with very rude, hostile people, including the females, and my college was very small, also with no females. So a few months after, I called it quits. 7 years later, I went to another country for university, and fate struck again. By then I wanted to give it another chance, but then there were almost no girls, both in the university, and in that bloody country. I got so annoyed, I left back to my home country without finishing Uni. I'm 34, it's too late. Fate has proved it is king.

[someloser]

Hello, just wanted to give the people that have been kind enough to reply an update. I'm still around still lurking. Situation is more or less the same been talking to a therapist on meds now etc... past week or so have been really, really down though. Think it has to do with Valentine's day coming up. Just not in the mood to hear about how someone else is in love I guess. OH well Que Sara Sara. Popular holiday just have to deal. Maybe sit up with a nice bottle of Scotch. Outside of that been ok I guess can't complain to much. Still trying to figure out what route I want to go as far as school/work goes. As far as the girlfriend thing goes... I'm starting to think I'm not meant for love. Maybe that's why I can't bring myself to get over my fears and say hi. And maybe I just need to learn to deal. I don't know. Maybe that's the depression talking again. I don't know. I feel like crap about it though. I know women reading this must be laughing their asses off. Oh well. Maybe this type of patheticness warrants it. Sorry my thought's a bit all over the place at the moment.

[someloser]

btw saw someone post something about some pick up artist site yesterday on this thread it got deleted but I was wandering does that stuff actually work? Or does it just teach you how to act like a 20 something douche? Thought to be honest maybe that would be an upgrade. I mean at least they act confident and can be attractive which is better then me in a lot of ways. They can get laid without having to pay for it and such.... sorry just depressed and thinking.

[someloser]

I just wanted to tell everybody sorry for being such a whiner. I really don't mean too and honestly I don't like this side of me at all. I know I must come off as some complainer who isn't trying but I am. I'm in therapy right now and that's good, back on meds, slowing my drinking down and stopped with the x (though I didn't do x that much.) I just think with the holiday coming I got into my feeling a little bit and was venting. Honestly I don't even expect anyone to respond was just a depressed guy venting. I need to find a better outlet.

[someloser]

I am in almost the exact situation, probably worse because I'm mixed race, except I'm 34. and I thought I was alone. I consider myself a genetic defect, a mistake of nature that must exit the universe.

 

Sorry I skipped your message was too busy with my self centered venting. Not cool on my part. I apologize. I can't say I understand what it is like to be of a mixed race. I'm sure that can lead to a lot of difficulties coming up similar to some I had. I don't think you're a genetic defect at all. This is going to be cheesy but I see it as a good thing proof that people are coming together and not growing apart. i can relate to the lonely feeling though. I must say though I always thought a lot of women liked mixed race guys.

[someloser]

Sorry I keep posting so much. Just up and my mind is racing. But I decided to make another post on another section of the forum here I wanted to every one on this thread update in the direction of my sessions and well wow I got some thinking to do. basically one of the posters on this thread suggested I might may homosexual/bisexual. Well my doc stated that he thinks I might be bi/sexual and haven't come to terms with it and that might be the driving force to me pumping the brakes so much and not trying to overcome my shyness with women. I posted more about it in the gender forum (about why he thinks that and such.). Honestly I shouldn't even be getting that down with the holiday. Sounds like I need to put dating on halt for a min. And honestly I wasn't even that upset or offended by his suggestion. And that reaction is what really has me thinking more then anything.

[someloser]

one more thing I apologize if I'm coming off as a troll. Just with all this stuff plus a few other things (I'm my dad's care taker, trying to fix the house, job/school search, and now sexuality issues for me to think about that goes waaay beyond what I thought my original problem was.) just had a lot on my mind and wanted to vent, and get some outside perspective. Thanks to everyone for taking the time and respond to this post btw. I know this isn't the easiest topic to respond too. I appreciate the advice that's been given. Think my new post in the gender/sexuality forum will be my primary focus though I'm still open to advice on this thread as well. I think I'm going to need all the advice I can get really. I'm going to try to lay down and let my mind drift off problems. (key word try.)