Needing the Truth

[ShatteredLady]

I feel like I am reading my own story here, my husband feels no remorse, he's spent the last 6 months trying to protect himself and blame me, I really do feel he gets off from seeing me so hurt and upset, I am tired of the despair eating away at me. There is so much amazing advice and support here it really has made me think overnight that I need a plan

 

 

Oh bloody hell, I'm so sorry. Your post triggered me awfully because I could see myself in you & your situation. When I was your age & my H cheated on me for the first time he completely & utterly changed as a person. In truth, that's why I gave him another chance. I believed that he'd had a mental break & lost his mind!!

 

He became abusive. He became evil!!! Yes! He "got off" on torturing me. I think he went further than your husband (I fear that it's your future though) he did & said the most awful things with this horrid smirk on his face. Once, after sex, he stood over me, berating me for my 'performance'. I felt so small, naked & vulnerable. He laughed at me while I sobbed & begged.

 

I'm NOT a weak woman. I was considered beautiful, very popular, great career but I moved away (for him) loosing so much. I tolerated his behavior because I thought that I knew him & this was all so out of character. The longer I stayed, the more of myself I lost. I became so broken & insecure. I NEVER believed I was 'the kind of woman' who could be abused BUT I WAS!!!

 

Although we reconciled I was never the same again. It's only recently that I've fully accepted who I've become. I used to like ME.

 

I once heard (Oprah or someone) that as a mature woman we should look back & mourn the silly girl that we were. Oh I wish!!! I was more confident & complete at 21 than I am now. That's awful!!!

 

 

PLEASE!! You want to be a Mum. You want to be loved by a true friend, lover & partner. ITS NOT TOO LATE FOR YOU!!! You want your own babies & this man has deceived you. He promised that you could be a mother & now he's taken that away.

 

He doesn't want to grow-up!! That's why he chases GIRLS when his wife becomes a WOMAN. He gets-off on pulling young girls! There's something very wrong with him. Yes! Lots of people have affairs BUT very few I've ever heard of have no guilt or compassion for their betrayed partners. Very few are MONSTERS that enjoy the control & pain they inflict.

 

Even if he eventually grovels for you to come back you will always know that this is part of who he is.

 

I KNOW that you are so very frightened of starting again. It's mortifying! I honestly understand. I built my life around my H too. I was so isolated & vulnerable. I couldn't even imagine how I could leave & find a new life. YOU CAN & WILL. I promise!!

 

Please be strong. You will make new friends. You will find a new partner. You will create a new life for yourself & when you hold your beautiful baby in your arms you WILL cry for the woman that you once were & celebrate the amazing woman that you are.

[understand50]

yes yes yes

 

 

He has already provided you with the reasons to leave...he has given you no reasons to stay.

 

You have nothing to fear...you have a golden opportunity to start a new life....to find a man ... who will love and respect you for who you are....

 

Go for it!

 

I gave my husband many reasons to stay...I embraced his gift of reconciliation and vowed to make him never regret it. I have lived up to that vow...HOWEVER....it has been a long difficult road.....well worth the effort...but it has not been easy....

 

Not because we don't get along......but because the infidelity still lives in the yard. There have been many times over these past years that i have wondered if he would have healed quicker...if he had divorced me and found someone new....but oh i am so very glad he didn't.

 

Don't be afraid...be prepared....if you prepare yourself....the unknown will be less frightening.

 

MrsR1981,

 

Mrs J.A, brings up a danger, that you should avoid, the "what may have been" Look, when you make your decision, do not think or dwell on "what may have been" focus on the her and now, and the future. From what you have written, your husband is not putting int he effort in your marriage, and hence you really do not have a "working" reconciliation. You are not healing, you don't feel safe, and when you look to the future, you do not see it getting any better. In many ways you feel and have some proof that he is still engaged with his AP. At this point, a realization of reality, should lead you to end the marriage and move on. Please don't torture yourself with what "could have been". Keep to what is, and decide on that and that alone. In the end you will be healthier, and have much less doubts.

 

Abigail,

 

"I have wondered if he would have healed quicker...if he had divorced me and found someone new....but oh i am so very glad he didn't."

 

You both will never know. I would suggest, from reading you both, that John may have found, if he took that path, many regrets, not only losing you, but losing his family. The pain of seeing you take up with someone else, the pain of seeing his children with a step dad. Divorce, has it own host of pain and hurt, and the past marriage weighs on the new marriage heavily. Maybe a good thread to explore.

 

Anyway, "what may have been" is a destructive thing if you dwell on it. Part of John's gift to you was choosing you, even in the face of your actions. I do not think he regrets it, as I don't regret staying with my wife. I do not think of "what may have been" because, it just takes from the here and now. I am only interested in being a better husband going forward, and she being a better wife.

 

Infidelity, causes pain and destruction, no matter what you do. In your case, you found a way to overcome much of it, and live a good marriage. Be thankful for that, and leave "what may have been" alone. It does no good for you and John. MrsR1981, it will do no good for you as well.

 

To all of you, I wish you luck.....

[sandylee1]

I fear you are right, my biggest worry is he's going to do it again - his wife was 35 when we met and I was 21, now I'm 35 and OW was 20, I have no guarantee he's not going to do this again

 

History is going to repeat itself here. His Ex probably got fed up of his cheating and initiated the separation and divorce.

 

He's got a no obligation respect for woman and is a predator.

 

Think long and hard about whether this is for you. Would you consider separating and have some time to away from him?

 

Get a feel for his reaction to this and then decide.

 

 

You don't want to waste valuable years with him only to find out he's still cheating and then leaves you in 10 years time, and when your chances of children are slim and starting afresh is harder.

 

Is he wealthy?

Would he loose a lot in a divorce?

 

 

You have a serial cheat on your hands.

[MrsR1981]

Oh bloody hell, I'm so sorry. Your post triggered me awfully because I could see myself in you & your situation. When I was your age & my H cheated on me for the first time he completely & utterly changed as a person. In truth, that's why I gave him another chance. I believed that he'd had a mental break & lost his mind!!

 

He became abusive. He became evil!!! Yes! He "got off" on torturing me. I think he went further than your husband (I fear that it's your future though) he did & said the most awful things with this horrid smirk on his face. Once, after sex, he stood over me, berating me for my 'performance'. I felt so small, naked & vulnerable. He laughed at me while I sobbed & begged.

 

I'm NOT a weak woman. I was considered beautiful, very popular, great career but I moved away (for him) loosing so much. I tolerated his behavior because I thought that I knew him & this was all so out of character. The longer I stayed, the more of myself I lost. I became so broken & insecure. I NEVER believed I was 'the kind of woman' who could be abused BUT I WAS!!!

 

Although we reconciled I was never the same again. It's only recently that I've fully accepted who I've become. I used to like ME.

 

I once heard (Oprah or someone) that as a mature woman we should look back & mourn the silly girl that we were. Oh I wish!!! I was more confident & complete at 21 than I am now. That's awful!!!

 

 

PLEASE!! You want to be a Mum. You want to be loved by a true friend, lover & partner. ITS NOT TOO LATE FOR YOU!!! You want your own babies & this man has deceived you. He promised that you could be a mother & now he's taken that away.

 

He doesn't want to grow-up!! That's why he chases GIRLS when his wife becomes a WOMAN. He gets-off on pulling young girls! There's something very wrong with him. Yes! Lots of people have affairs BUT very few I've ever heard of have no guilt or compassion for their betrayed partners. Very few are MONSTERS that enjoy the control & pain they inflict.

 

Even if he eventually grovels for you to come back you will always know that this is part of who he is.

 

I KNOW that you are so very frightened of starting again. It's mortifying! I honestly understand. I built my life around my H too. I was so isolated & vulnerable. I couldn't even imagine how I could leave & find a new life. YOU CAN & WILL. I promise!!

 

Please be strong. You will make new friends. You will find a new partner. You will create a new life for yourself & when you hold your beautiful baby in your arms you WILL cry for the woman that you once were & celebrate the amazing woman that you are.

 

Please do not apologise! To read about someone else in a similar situation has been immensely comforting, I have felt so alone for so long and yet overnight I feel a source of peace and that there are people out there who understand me. If / when I leave it will be because everyone on here has been so supportive and given me hope in a sea of darkness, so thank you from the bottom of my heart

[MrsR1981]

History is going to repeat itself here. His Ex probably got fed up of his cheating and initiated the separation and divorce.

 

He's got a no obligation respect for woman and is a predator.

 

Think long and hard about whether this is for you. Would you consider separating and have some time to away from him?

 

Get a feel for his reaction to this and then decide.

 

 

You don't want to waste valuable years with him only to find out he's still cheating and then leaves you in 10 years time, and when your chances of children are slim and starting afresh is harder.

 

Is he wealthy?

Would he loose a lot in a divorce?

 

 

You have a serial cheat on your hands.

 

 

He has his pot of money that I can't and don't touch, he is a very clever man and works with a lot of solicitors, he would come out trumps I know this, I don't think he'd think twice about leaving me in the dirt when it comes to money.

[MrsR1981]

Oh bloody hell, I'm so sorry. Your post triggered me awfully because I could see myself in you & your situation. When I was your age & my H cheated on me for the first time he completely & utterly changed as a person. In truth, that's why I gave him another chance. I believed that he'd had a mental break & lost his mind!!

 

He became abusive. He became evil!!! Yes! He "got off" on torturing me. I think he went further than your husband (I fear that it's your future though) he did & said the most awful things with this horrid smirk on his face. Once, after sex, he stood over me, berating me for my 'performance'. I felt so small, naked & vulnerable. He laughed at me while I sobbed & begged.

 

I'm NOT a weak woman. I was considered beautiful, very popular, great career but I moved away (for him) loosing so much. I tolerated his behavior because I thought that I knew him & this was all so out of character. The longer I stayed, the more of myself I lost. I became so broken & insecure. I NEVER believed I was 'the kind of woman' who could be abused BUT I WAS!!!

 

Although we reconciled I was never the same again. It's only recently that I've fully accepted who I've become. I used to like ME.

 

I once heard (Oprah or someone) that as a mature woman we should look back & mourn the silly girl that we were. Oh I wish!!! I was more confident & complete at 21 than I am now. That's awful!!!

 

 

PLEASE!! You want to be a Mum. You want to be loved by a true friend, lover & partner. ITS NOT TOO LATE FOR YOU!!! You want your own babies & this man has deceived you. He promised that you could be a mother & now he's taken that away.

 

He doesn't want to grow-up!! That's why he chases GIRLS when his wife becomes a WOMAN. He gets-off on pulling young girls! There's something very wrong with him. Yes! Lots of people have affairs BUT very few I've ever heard of have no guilt or compassion for their betrayed partners. Very few are MONSTERS that enjoy the control & pain they inflict.

 

Even if he eventually grovels for you to come back you will always know that this is part of who he is.

 

I KNOW that you are so very frightened of starting again. It's mortifying! I honestly understand. I built my life around my H too. I was so isolated & vulnerable. I couldn't even imagine how I could leave & find a new life. YOU CAN & WILL. I promise!!

 

Please be strong. You will make new friends. You will find a new partner. You will create a new life for yourself & when you hold your beautiful baby in your arms you WILL cry for the woman that you once were & celebrate the amazing woman that you are.

 

SL I also wanted to say my husband is very sexually active, but I don't like how he is with me, he's a member of many dirty forums and he has posted nude and topless pics of me there, he says it turns him on, when we have sex he makes me talk about other men and what I want to do to him, when we go out he always wants me to wear 'sexy' tops so other men can look at me, and when I'm a little drunk he makes me pose for photos and do things I really don't like. He's not physically abusive but he makes me feel like a piece of meat, I am very worried that if we split what he'll do with all these photos. My body isn't what it used to be and OW is a pretty, petite little thing who has the perfect body for his next project. Just talking about this makes me feel very ill, and I feel very stupid for being so gullible.

[Mrs. John Adams]

MrsR1981,

 

Mrs J.A, brings up a danger, that you should avoid, the "what may have been" Look, when you make your decision, do not think or dwell on "what may have been" focus on the her and now, and the future. From what you have written, your husband is not putting int he effort in your marriage, and hence you really do not have a "working" reconciliation. You are not healing, you don't feel safe, and when you look to the future, you do not see it getting any better. In many ways you feel and have some proof that he is still engaged with his AP. At this point, a realization of reality, should lead you to end the marriage and move on. Please don't torture yourself with what "could have been". Keep to what is, and decide on that and that alone. In the end you will be healthier, and have much less doubts.

 

Abigail,

 

"I have wondered if he would have healed quicker...if he had divorced me and found someone new....but oh i am so very glad he didn't."

 

You both will never know. I would suggest, from reading you both, that John may have found, if he took that path, many regrets, not only losing you, but losing his family. The pain of seeing you take up with someone else, the pain of seeing his children with a step dad. Divorce, has it own host of pain and hurt, and the past marriage weighs on the new marriage heavily. Maybe a good thread to explore.

 

Anyway, "what may have been" is a destructive thing if you dwell on it. Part of John's gift to you was choosing you, even in the face of your actions. I do not think he regrets it, as I don't regret staying with my wife. I do not think of "what may have been" because, it just takes from the here and now. I am only interested in being a better husband going forward, and she being a better wife.

 

Infidelity, causes pain and destruction, no matter what you do. In your case, you found a way to overcome much of it, and live a good marriage. Be thankful for that, and leave "what may have been" alone. It does no good for you and John. MrsR1981, it will do no good for you as well.

 

To all of you, I wish you luck.....

 

oh...understand50...I know that john and i love each other and are so happy we stayed together. In those moments when i know he triggers...in this times when i know he must be thinking about what i did....i let myself second guess. We will thankfully never know what would have happened had we done things differently.

 

I don't fret over it much...just like i don't fret over what if i had not cheated in the first place. I cannot change it. I don't like it..but i cannot undo it.

 

Life is full of uncertainties....we do the best we can given the circumstances we find ourselves in. We play the cards we are dealt. None of us who have been changed by infidelity... would choose infidelity again....(well maybe some would but not anyone i know)....hopefully we have learned from living through it and in it...

 

This young lady is just beginning her journey down this path....I would take away her fear and her pain if I could....unfortunately the best i can do is give her hope and encouragement that this too shall pass...and in the future her life can be better than ever!

[Mrs. John Adams]

SL I also wanted to say my husband is very sexually active, but I don't like how he is with me, he's a member of many dirty forums and he has posted nude and topless pics of me there, he says it turns him on, when we have sex he makes me talk about other men and what I want to do to him, when we go out he always wants me to wear 'sexy' tops so other men can look at me, and when I'm a little drunk he makes me pose for photos and do things I really don't like. He's not physically abusive but he makes me feel like a piece of meat, I am very worried that if we split what he'll do with all these photos. My body isn't what it used to be and OW is a pretty, petite little thing who has the perfect body for his next project. Just talking about this makes me feel very ill, and I feel very stupid for being so gullible.

 

well i was waiting for it...and here it is. Mrs. JA over and out

 

Good luck!

[ShatteredLady]

SL I also wanted to say my husband is very sexually active, but I don't like how he is with me, he's a member of many dirty forums and he has posted nude and topless pics of me there, he says it turns him on, when we have sex he makes me talk about other men and what I want to do to him, when we go out he always wants me to wear 'sexy' tops so other men can look at me, and when I'm a little drunk he makes me pose for photos and do things I really don't like. He's not physically abusive but he makes me feel like a piece of meat, I am very worried that if we split what he'll do with all these photos. My body isn't what it used to be and OW is a pretty, petite little thing who has the perfect body for his next project. Just talking about this makes me feel very ill, and I feel very stupid for being so gullible.

 

 

That's terrible!!

 

Let's be completely honest. You know that wasn't a smart thing to do but it's done now. He's already posted pictures. They're 'Out there' already. You can spend the rest of your life stressing 'What If?'.

 

What if you leave him? What could he do with them?

What if he leaves you for her? What could he do with them?

What if you get into a fight? What could he do with them?

 

What if the mood just strikes him one night? What could he do with them?

 

So....people could see your boobs! Is that really the worst thing in life? I know it could be embarrassing but you're English (I assume) haven't you ever sunbathed topless? Get into the mindset...WHATEVER! It's a price well worth paying to escape this cold, abusive man.

 

This is NO reason to stay married & EVERY reason to divorce the slime ball!!

 

What are you doing with your life!! REALLY? PLEASE! You're so very much better than this!

[BaileyB]

SL I also wanted to say my husband is very sexually active, but I don't like how he is with me, he's a member of many dirty forums and he has posted nude and topless pics of me there, he says it turns him on, when we have sex he makes me talk about other men and what I want to do to him, when we go out he always wants me to wear 'sexy' tops so other men can look at me, and when I'm a little drunk he makes me pose for photos and do things I really don't like. He's not physically abusive but he makes me feel like a piece of meat, I am very worried that if we split what he'll do with all these photos. My body isn't what it used to be and OW is a pretty, petite little thing who has the perfect body for his next project. Just talking about this makes me feel very ill, and I feel very stupid for being so gullible.

 

You deserve so much more than this. Please, don't waste another single day with this man. The idea of separating and starting another life on your own may be frightening, but it will be so much better than the abuse you have suffered from this man.

 

What he's done is deplorable. And, it reflects totally on him, not on you.

 

Really, don't waste another day with him and then, don't waste another moment thinking about him. He is not worth your love, your time, or your energy. Focus on yourself and the good things ahead in life for you!

[MrsR1981]

well i was waiting for it...and here it is. Mrs. JA over and out

 

Good luck!

 

 

Sorry if I offended you, but thank you for all your advice and support, I know I've been stupid and I accept that.

[elaine567]

He has his pot of money that I can't and don't touch, he is a very clever man and works with a lot of solicitors, he would come out trumps I know this, I don't think he'd think twice about leaving me in the dirt when it comes to money.

 

You are his wife, so you are entitled to half of the marital assets.

[BaileyB]

He has his pot of money that I can't and don't touch, he is a very clever man and works with a lot of solicitors, he would come out trumps I know this, I don't think he'd think twice about leaving me in the dirt when it comes to money.

 

Don't make assumptions. He may want to leave you in the dirt, but you are entitled to marital assets and probably spousal support. Find a good lawyer. It will be ok.

[MJJean]

I'd rather be financially strained and let evveryone on the internet see photos of my bits and pieces than stay married to a middle aged serial cheater who screws 20 year olds.

[MrsR1981]

I'd rather be financially strained and let evveryone on the internet see photos of my bits and pieces than stay married to a middle aged serial cheater who screws 20 year olds.

 

Couldn't have put it better myself

[BaileyB]

Couldn't have put it better myself

 

Absolutely! And dare I say it, but now is the time that you literally make him pay for how badly you have treated you during your marriage... Find a good lawyer!

[BetrayedH]

As part of your exit plan, covertly getting a decent idea of your financial picture as a married couple is a wise step. Think of every bank, business, and account where there could be money or income. While your H may have good legal counsel, he would be a fool to try to hide assets. Judges don't take kindly to that kind of thing in a divorce. He could lose his shirt.

 

I obviously don't know your jurisdiction but you would typically both be required to do a financial disclosure of all assets and debts. And they typically do a bunch of math to a split that in half. But then income is another calculation. If you both make the same amount, then you'd both just keep your respective incomes. But if he makes all of the money (while you've taken care of the home), then he'd likely have to pay you spousal support or alimony (usually for several years but not forever). Again, in most jurisdictions this is fairly simple math. Custody of children is another layer. Typically the person with tha most custody is allotted money from the other spouse to help pay for those expenses. And there's typically just a mathematical formula for that, too.

 

In some places, infidelity can put one spouse "at fault" for the divorce and that could be a major factor in the financials, providing you with a major advantage. But most places are now considered "no fault," which mostly means that they don't care who it is that was at fault. They just focus on splitting the assets, the debts, and the kids.

 

It all depends what the laws are where you reside. But it's very unlikely that how many lawyer buddies your husband has will be much of a factor. In my experience, the lawyers are just there to make money off of the processing of the paperwork (and getting paid by the hour while you argue over who gets the dog).

 

Long story short, you need an attorney to counsel you on how it usually works where you live. Many will offer a free initial consultation and they'll tell you how much money you'd need to gather for a "retainer" to get them to start working on your case. Use marital funds for that if you can. If you can't, then try to borrow it from family. If the attorney uses up your retainer, he may ask you to bring bring it back up to the initial threshold. But many will simply get their paycheck when you finalize your case.

 

The reality is that few women are left "in the dirt" with no money after a divorce regardless of how many legal connections the husband may have.

 

Document your husband's infidelity. Document as many financials as you can. Do it quietly. And make an appointment with an attorney.

[NotASkunk]

What a horrible and demoralizing situation to be in. I am so sorry. Your husband cares more about saving his face than he does about you. When somebody has an affair and they have any hopes of repairing the damage done to their marriage there have to be utter transparency and honesty from the cheater. Instead your husband is placing the blame on you? You don't deserve that. I would get out and never look back. Your husband may be a compulsive liar, you have no idea what else he's done. He will probably never be forthcoming with the truth that you need and deserve to hear. Let alone an apology! Screw that, remain strong and leave.

 

I was in a situation with somebody who started out with major trust issues to begin with. He could read almost anything to be a sign that I was cheating on him. If I told him somebody was bothering me on the Internet trying to engage me sexually it would mean in his eyes that I was the one being sexually enticing. If I stretched my legs out while relaxing around the family fire I was obviously sending an invitation to his brother-in-law that I wanted him sexually. hundreds of ridiculous incidents like that and I was constantly walking on egg shells. I tried to hurt him in the worst way I could – – by threatening to screw around on him and our relationship never recovered. I took a lie detector test. He didn't believe the results. However, when I asked him if he would take a lie detector test he became enraged. Obviously the results of him cheating would be revealed. Lie detector test and apologies meant nothing. Obviously I was never going to get the apology I needed and closure I needed to let my anger go. My point about telling you this is you may never get the closure that you desire that you don't need that. You just need to move on without somebody who has no problem hurting you so terribly.

All the best to you.

[MrsR1981]

What a horrible and demoralizing situation to be in. I am so sorry. Your husband cares more about saving his face than he does about you. When somebody has an affair and they have any hopes of repairing the damage done to their marriage there have to be utter transparency and honesty from the cheater. Instead your husband is placing the blame on you? You don't deserve that. I would get out and never look back. Your husband may be a compulsive liar, you have no idea what else he's done. He will probably never be forthcoming with the truth that you need and deserve to hear. Let alone an apology! Screw that, remain strong and leave.

 

I was in a situation with somebody who started out with major trust issues to begin with. He could read almost anything to be a sign that I was cheating on him. If I told him somebody was bothering me on the Internet trying to engage me sexually it would mean in his eyes that I was the one being sexually enticing. If I stretched my legs out while relaxing around the family fire I was obviously sending an invitation to his brother-in-law that I wanted him sexually. hundreds of ridiculous incidents like that and I was constantly walking on egg shells. I tried to hurt him in the worst way I could – – by threatening to screw around on him and our relationship never recovered. I took a lie detector test. He didn't believe the results. However, when I asked him if he would take a lie detector test he became enraged. Obviously the results of him cheating would be revealed. Lie detector test and apologies meant nothing. Obviously I was never going to get the apology I needed and closure I needed to let my anger go. My point about telling you this is you may never get the closure that you desire that you don't need that. You just need to move on without somebody who has no problem hurting you so terribly.

All the best to you.

 

 

Thank you for your response, all that you have said is completely true, the fact I have had no apology, no remorse or even heard the truth means i'll never be able to move on or forgive him, and i'll just be waiting for the next time it happens.

Take care x

[merrmeade]

SL I also wanted to say my husband is very sexually active, but I don't like how he is with me, he's a member of many dirty forums and he has posted nude and topless pics of me there, he says it turns him on, when we have sex he makes me talk about other men and what I want to do to him, when we go out he always wants me to wear 'sexy' tops so other men can look at me, and when I'm a little drunk he makes me pose for photos and do things I really don't like. He's not physically abusive but he makes me feel like a piece of meat, I am very worried that if we split what he'll do with all these photos.

omg, I can't wait another minute. I'm reading through this thread for the first time and have other things to say, but this is "el colmo" (Spanish - no translation) - just the tip-top worst, intolerable thing possible and NOT a reason to stay.

 

But I just want to say or ask others: Can't she get an attorney or court order or something to force him specifically not to do this in a divorce settlement?

[BaileyB]

Thank you for your response, all that you have said is completely true, the fact I have had no apology, no remorse or even heard the truth means i'll never be able to move on or forgive him, and i'll just be waiting for the next time it happens.

Take care x

 

Oh no, you can most definitely move on with your life... You just simply say, I'm not waiting for an apology and I don't actually care to hear any more from you... You have used me and I'm not going to give you another moment of my time.

 

Forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself. Wiating for an apology, or some sign or remorse, or some understanding of why this happened is a waste of your time and energy. It's not going to come from a man who has a pattern of taking advantage of young women, cheating on his spouse, and then blaming the spouse when they become upset. Don't wait for him to tell you why he did this and say he is sorry. Holding bitterness and resentment, while understandable, is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Don't do it! He is not worth it!

 

Leave this man behind. Focus on the future - creating a happy life for yourself without him will be the best revenge you can have!

[merrmeade]

Sorry if I offended you, but thank you for all your advice and support, I know I've been stupid and I accept that.

another "omg" for your sake, Mrs. R. I don't have the right to speak for Mrs. JA but I am 100% confident she would not want you to read her 'over and out' exit as saying you're stupid! Maybe she's just hurting too much for you or outraged at your husband, but I'm sure it's not offense. I think we're just all appalled at the sheer depravity and cruelty your H has shown and want to help you get reality back on your side.

[understand50]

omg, I can't wait another minute. I'm reading through this thread for the first time and have other things to say, but this is "el colmo" (Spanish - no translation) - just the tip-top worst, intolerable thing possible and NOT a reason to stay.

 

But I just want to say or ask others: Can't she get an attorney or court order or something to force him specifically not to do this in a divorce settlement?

 

MrsR1981,

 

I think you are in the UK, and they take a really dim view of putting things on the internet, that are damaging. If you husband values his net worth, he will do nothing as the courts, will award damages on this. Especially after a divorce with infidelity. I get this from reading the news from the UK. One of the big topic is revenge porn, so I think you would be able to hit back hard.

 

The other thought, and I know some may take exception to this, is what does it matter? There is so much stuff out there, that your pictures, will be lost in the mix. I mean, look at what people are posting, and I think your pictures just will not be noticed. Even if they are they will not be for long, but will show damages for the court to make your Soon to be Ex's life miserable, and costly. In other words, as the Duke of Waterloo, stated many years ago in similar circumstances, "Publish and be damned"

 

 

Do not let him bully you. Nothing he can do will be forever, and will blow back on him more then he or you can know. You are much better with out him.

 

 

I wish you luck......

[understand50]

MrsR1981,

 

I think you are in the UK, and they take a really dim view of putting things on the internet, that are damaging. If you husband values his net worth, he will do nothing as the courts, will award damages on this. Especially after a divorce with infidelity. I get this from reading the news from the UK. One of the big topic is revenge porn, so I think you would be able to hit back hard.

 

The other thought, and I know some may take exception to this, is what does it matter? There is so much stuff out there, that your pictures, will be lost in the mix. I mean, look at what people are posting, and I think your pictures just will not be noticed. Even if they are they will not be for long, but will show damages for the court to make your Soon to be Ex's life miserable, and costly. In other words, as the Duke of Waterloo, stated many years ago in similar circumstances, "Publish and be damned"

 

 

Do not let him bully you. Nothing he can do will be forever, and will blow back on him more then he or you can know. You are much better with out him.

 

 

I wish you luck......

 

Wellington not Waterloo

[merrmeade]

our romantic weekend away was tainted by him texting her, he constantly makes me cry and feel inadequate (moreso when he's had a drink), he belittles me in front of people and he tells me I need to forget it and move on - with no apology or explanation.

.....

Another thing that springs to mind is only recently he's talked about going back in the pub where she works and socialising with our friends in there...I've told him no way is this going to happen and is he crazy! I cannot believe he'd even mention this or why he'd want to go back in, only weeks ago he was telling me he never wanted to go in there again and he never wanted to see her again, now all of a sudden he's prepared to go back in and humiliate me all over again...

Okay, so you've seen outrage at the condescension, debasement and entitlement displayed in your H's behavior (gaslighting, public ridicule, etc.).

 

But I want to point out his violation of the most basic requirement of any post-affair agreement, stated or understood: that the cheater spouse will have NO CONTACT with the affair partner. NC should be non-negotiable. Yet your husband's repeated disregard for this expectation - texting her, wanting to go to her tavern - simply passes for both of you. He uses his trademark intimidation and gets his way.

 

My point is that you two can't even begun rebuilding your marriage if he's not trying to avoid contact with her. There's no reconciliation, so you might as well make the first move out.

 

But the main reason you must is because he is slowly destroying you. Being the initiator will put you in a position of control and power for the first time in this relationship.

Edited January 13, 2017 by merrmeade