Is he not over her or is he just being nice?

[Eternal Sunshine]

Also, she may find that he starts hiding or lying about his contact. I doubt he will just stop that cold turkey.

[olivetree]

Is there any chance that the content of his messages to her could be purely just close friendship feelings? I would really appreciate one of you guys here pointing out the gives away that it's 100% romantic feelings.

 

And if it is romantic feelings... could those feelings go away with time?

 

I know his 3 year history with her is stronger compared to his few months with me. But as we spend more time together, I'm hoping his connection with her will fade.

 

I'm not a guy but can you imagine if roles were revered?

Would you contact someone that much that you didn't have romantic feelings for?

Telling him you missed him, reminiscing about old times, wishing him a lovely day... and to top it all off, to someone who seems pretty unresponsive?

 

I know you want to believe that he is doing it out of friendship, otherwise you wouldn't have made three threads and ignored the previous advice.

I understand it is really hard and hurtful to hear this, but you need to move on.

Edited February 8, 2017 by olivetree

[Gaeta]

Is there any chance that the content of his messages to her could be purely just close friendship feelings? I would really appreciate one of you guys here pointing out the gives away that it's 100% romantic feelings.

 

And if it is romantic feelings... could those feelings go away with time?

 

I know his 3 year history with her is stronger compared to his few months with me. But as we spend more time together, I'm hoping his connection with her will fade.

 

You are that desperate to keep him ethereal? All of it is him looking for her attention and approval. All of it is him seeking if she still think he's special. All of it is him reminiscing in past memories.

 

What % would be good enough for you? 75% romantic and 25% friendship? As far as I am concern only 1% romantic would be unacceptable.

 

Yes those romantic feelings could go away with times but then it does not mean he'd replace those feelings with feelings for you. Men (and women) rarely move on in life with their rebound.

 

My daughter was in your situation once. She was young and in love. She thought if she spend a lot of time with him he'd have no choice but to fall for her. It didn't happen. He dropped her after 1 year and she cried her little heart out not understanding why. She knew why, she just could not accept it was all on her.

[Ethereal]

Thanks guys, I do see exactly where you're coming from. It's difficult as two girl friends I've known for years are saying the opposite of what most of you are saying so I'm so very torn with what to do...

 

I have a small update. I had a look to see if there were any more messages between them. They had a conversation yesterday. It was all very jokey. He teased her for bullying him at one point and later on in the convo she sent him an image of a very bizarre valentines card her 'husband' got her. She also said she hopes he is spoiling his partner this year. I was quite surprised to see her mention me and say that but my bf ignored what she said about him spoiling me and just responded with 'omg I didn't know you had a boyfriend, let alone a husband!?' Then she said she couldn't resist his beard and my bf clicked that she was talking about a celebrity and she had just been joking about having a husband.

 

Really don't know what to make of this... I spoke to my friends about it an hour ago and they said it just seems like friendly banter and that I should stop looking at his messages. I know I should but I'm feeling so insecure at the moment. Do you guys think this last conversation is just friendly banter?

[Gaeta]

Really don't know what to make of this... I spoke to my friends about it an hour ago and they said it just seems like friendly banter and that I should stop looking at his messages. I know I should but I'm feeling so insecure at the moment. Do you guys think this last conversation is just friendly banter?

 

You remind me of a female friend of mine. Since day 1 she spies her bf's text and fb. Her boyfriend flirts with other women, she has proof of it, but she does nothing. She just remains in that relationship feeling hurt and worthless. I think if she found him in bed with another woman she would not do anything, she would turn her eyes, just like she has been turning her eyes for 3 years now on his inappropriate flirting. Every day for the past 3 years my friend lives in constant emotional pain, just like you.

 

Why do you keep checking his messages if you are not willing to do something about it?

 

If you want this man so bad that you cannot even act when you find something bad than stop checking his messages. What you don't know won't hurt.

[olivetree]

Your friends are telling you what you want to hear.

 

Ethereal, are you afraid to be alone?

[Gaeta]

Do you guys think this last conversation is just friendly banter?

 

We spent 6 pages telling you it's inappropriate.

[Ethereal]

You remind me of a female friend of mine. Since day 1 she spies her bf's text and fb. Her boyfriend flirts with other women, she has proof of it, but she does nothing. She just remains in that relationship feeling hurt and worthless. I think if she found him in bed with another woman she would not do anything, she would turn her eyes, just like she has been turning her eyes for 3 years now on his inappropriate flirting. Every day for the past 3 years my friend lives in constant emotional pain, just like you.

 

Why do you keep checking his messages if you are not willing to do something about it?

 

If you want this man so bad that you cannot even act when you find something bad than stop checking his messages. What you don't know won't hurt.

 

I guess the reason I look is to see whether I'll see something that will prove to me that they are just friends.

 

I feel bad for your friend if her boyfriend is doing that to her. I think I have problems understanding what comments between them are acceptable and what would not. I'm a bit naive. My friends have said it seems like banter and not to take his reaction about her 'husband' seriously and assume he has feelings as it's just a joke.

 

I wish I had the sense to know if it was acceptable or not myself without having to ask people.

[olivetree]

I guess the reason I look is to see whether I'll see something that will prove to me that they are just friends.

 

This right here.

You are basically looking for reasons to stay!

Your guy is telling you it's not okay or you wouldn't have posted here.

But you're in deep denial.

 

Something you will learn as you get older is that it doesn't matter if something is acceptable for someone else in their relationship.

You develop your own standards.

If your bf's behaviour upsets you and makes you feel insecure, you have every right to walk away.

But you don't want to walk away, as I suspect you're scared to be alone.

We are telling you to raise your standards.

 

I think you need to go back and read the responses that were written here over and over.

You should also read some more threads on here and have a look at how many times the OP comes back and says "you guys were right, I should have taken your advice."

[olivetree]

I wish I had the sense to know if it was acceptable or not myself without having to ask people.

 

When you develop healthy boundaries for yourself (what lines people should never cross) and consistently enforce them, you won't have to ask anyone.

And you will feel strong!

 

So, with your situation in mind, here are some boundaries that might apply:

-"I don't date guys that make me feel insecure."

-"I don't date guys that are hung up on their exes."

-"I don't date guys that cheat."

 

Your bf already crossed the first boundary (ie. makes you feel insecure).

The truth of the other two boundaries don't matter because crossing your first boundary should be a deal-breaker.

You trust yourself enough to know that if something makes you unhappy a lot of the time isn't right.

Then you enforce that boundary by walking away.

[Gaeta]

She also said she hopes he is spoiling his partner this year. I was quite surprised to see her mention me and say that but my bf ignored what she said about him spoiling me and just responded with 'omg I didn't know you had a boyfriend, let alone a husband!?' Then she said she couldn't resist his beard and my bf clicked that she was talking about a celebrity and she had just been joking about having a husband.

 

Here is what I think of their exchange.

 

Him ignoring her mention of you is very telling. A man that would be into you would jump to the opportunity to tell how he'll spoil you on V day. Your boyfriend is not interested in talking about you, he's interested in what SHE has to say about a possible bf or husband of hers.

 

Your mistake is to wonder what she meant by that .....when you should be concentrating on what HE, your boyfriend, is saying.

 

Your boyfriend is trying all that he can to flirt with her, to get her attention, to reminiscence about their past together, and to know what is going on in her life. He also tells her he misses her and their time together as a couple.

What part of that sounds just friendly to you?

 

If I get a text from an ex I will ask:

* how's the job

* how's the kids

* Is your mom better

 

I will NEVER flirt, remind him of good times together, suggest I cannot enjoy something without him, and all that stuff your bf saying to her.

 

Like above poster said your friends are only telling you what you want to hear because probably you talk a lot about him and his ex and they don't know what to tell you anymore. I assure you, if one of your friends had a bf doing the same as your bf they would flip !

[Ethereal]

Here is what I think of their exchange.

 

Him ignoring her mention of you is very telling. A man that would be into you would jump to the opportunity to tell how he'll spoil you on V day. Your boyfriend is not interested in talking about you, he's interested in what SHE has to say about a possible bf or husband of hers.

 

Your mistake is to wonder what she meant by that .....when you should be concentrating on what HE, your boyfriend, is saying.

 

Your boyfriend is trying all that he can to flirt with her, to get her attention, to reminiscence about their past together, and to know what is going on in her life. He also tells her he misses her and their time together as a couple.

What part of that sounds just friendly to you?

 

If I get a text from an ex I will ask:

* how's the job

* how's the kids

* Is your mom better

 

I will NEVER flirt, remind him of good times together, suggest I cannot enjoy something without him, and all that stuff your bf saying to her.

 

Like above poster said your friends are only telling you what you want to hear because probably you talk a lot about him and his ex and they don't know what to tell you anymore. I assure you, if one of your friends had a bf doing the same as your bf they would flip !

 

Yeah youre right this latest conversation between them only shows once again that he must still have feelings for her. As why else would he be focused on her having a bf or husband. I was disappointed to see he didn't talk about me when she mentioned me.

 

I look at the messages in hope that I'll see something that will make me feel more secure (such as him talking about me to her and seeming into me) but I only end up feeling insecure from what I see.

 

You're both right. If I'm feeling upset from what I see then that's enough to know it's not right.

[Ethereal]

So I've just been at his place.

 

I was really considering ending it.

 

Then I looked at his messages one more time before I was about to do it. She'd been messaging him, sent him a couple of links to stuff. He was being brief with her, explaining he was sorry but was distracted, and didn't reply back to her.

 

Could he be feeling guilty about his messages and finally realised they were inappropriate?

[Empyrea]

Honestly, when I read this thread, I got the impression it was rather innocent. He is feeling somewhat guilty for breaking up with her, he said he wants to try and stay friends with her - that's what he's doing! You haven't seen anything suspicious in their convos (stop snooping btw), she clearly knows he's taken.. The fact that he doesn't talk to her about you is very normal - guys are very trained about not talking about other girls with partners or exes, he doesn't want to rub it in or hurt her. However, the frequency of their interaction is clearly bothering you and rightly so. He should respect that and limit their chatting to a more appropriate amount. Also, if it comes up again, you should emphasize that his ex might actually need a break in communication to fully get over their break up and accept a new dynamic. It's very difficult to transition from lovers to friends otherwise (without a break).

In brief, I kind of agree with your friends, I don't see this as something you should leave him over (not at present anyway). But you should discuss it with him and he should respect your feelings! He's been trying to smooth things over with his ex, but he should realize that you are also in a fragile position coming into a relationship with someone who has just broken up. So be mature and discuss it over calmly, no ultimatums.

[Ethereal]

Honestly, when I read this thread, I got the impression it was rather innocent. He is feeling somewhat guilty for breaking up with her, he said he wants to try and stay friends with her - that's what he's doing! You haven't seen anything suspicious in their convos (stop snooping btw), she clearly knows he's taken.. The fact that he doesn't talk to her about you is very normal - guys are very trained about not talking about other girls with partners or exes, he doesn't want to rub it in or hurt her. However, the frequency of their interaction is clearly bothering you and rightly so. He should respect that and limit their chatting to a more appropriate amount. Also, if it comes up again, you should emphasize that his ex might actually need a break in communication to fully get over their break up and accept a new dynamic. It's very difficult to transition from lovers to friends otherwise (without a break).

In brief, I kind of agree with your friends, I don't see this as something you should leave him over (not at present anyway). But you should discuss it with him and he should respect your feelings! He's been trying to smooth things over with his ex, but he should realize that you are also in a fragile position coming into a relationship with someone who has just broken up. So be mature and discuss it over calmly, no ultimatums.

 

Thanks for your comment. This is why I'm still holding on in case it is all innocent and only has feelings for her as a friend. I'd be gutted to end it with him if he never had feelings for her and it was just me being insecure.

 

I would have a word with him, like you suggested, but he told her he was 'distracted' when she was messaging him yesterday. (Mentioned in my post before) So maybe he realises now it has been it appropriate of him.

[Gaeta]

Thanks for your comment. This is why I'm still holding on in case it is all innocent and only has feelings for her as a friend. I'd be gutted to end it with him if he never had feelings for her and it was just me being insecure.

 

I would have a word with him, like you suggested, but he told her he was 'distracted' when she was messaging him yesterday. (Mentioned in my post before) So maybe he realises now it has been it appropriate of him.

 

Out of 10 people 1 said what you want to hear so you're happy with that.

[Ethereal]

Out of 10 people 1 said what you want to hear so you're happy with that.

 

I'm in love with my boyfriend. I want to believe he feels the same and doesn't have lingering feelings for his ex. Of course I want to believe that.

 

It hurts to think he might still love her so naturally I'm looking for evidence that he does not. And yes, seeing posters say it seems nothing but friendly/innocent between them does make me happy.

 

I know the last thing he said to her was he was distracted yesterday and he hasn't spoken to her since, so that's promising, right? He never gives excuses to me that he's distracted and always puts me as priority so that says a lot doesn't it? That I mean more to him.

[elaine567]

I'm in love with my boyfriend. I want to believe he feels the same and doesn't have lingering feelings for his ex. Of course I want to believe that.

 

It hurts to think he might still love her so naturally I'm looking for evidence that he does not. And yes, seeing posters say it seems nothing but friendly/innocent between them does make me happy.

 

I know the last thing he said to her was he was distracted yesterday and he hasn't spoken to her since, so that's promising, right? He never gives excuses to me that he's distracted and always puts me as priority so that says a lot doesn't it? That I mean more to him.

 

Why was he "distracted" yesterday?

[Ethereal]

Why was he "distracted" yesterday?

 

He was talking to me on the phone and then seeing me afterwards .

[Gaeta]

He was talking to me on the phone and then seeing me afterwards .

 

So him telling her he was distracted was really because he was distracted, it has nothing to do with him losing interest in her.

[Ethereal]

So him telling her he was distracted was really because he was distracted, it has nothing to do with him losing interest in her.

 

That's true yes, but if she meant that much to him and he was considering getting back with her, wouldn't he put her before me?

[Gaeta]

That's true yes, but if she meant that much to him and he was considering getting back with her, wouldn't he put her before me?

 

He is not going to risk losing you because then he'll end up alone. If he wants to keep you till he wins her back than he has to be a half-decent boyfriend to you.

 

What do you think your boyfriend would do if she told him she's still in love with him?

[Ethereal]

He is not going to risk losing you because then he'll end up alone. If he wants to keep you till he wins her back than he has to be a half-decent boyfriend to you.

 

What do you think your boyfriend would do if she told him she's still in love with him?

 

Well she told him she still loved him about 4 months ago and he just told her he was really sorry. He was over her and fell out of love and he told her he wanted to be with me.

 

I know he felt so guilty when she said it last time.

 

Could his feelings have changed in the last 4 months?

[Gaeta]

Well she told him she still loved him about 4 months ago and he just told her he was really sorry. He was over her and fell out of love and he told her he wanted to be with me.

 

I know he felt so guilty when she said it last time.

 

 

Then stop spying on him and enjoy your life.

 

If he knows she is still in love with him than he should stop torturing her and just end their communication. What he is doing is cruel toward her. Four months ago she told him she is still in love and he continues this charade? He broke her heart, he needs to get over it, it's life.

[Ethereal]

Then stop spying on him and enjoy your life.

 

If he knows she is still in love with him than he should stop torturing her and just end their communication. What he is doing is cruel toward her. Four months ago she told him she is still in love and he continues this charade? He broke her heart, he needs to get over it, it's life.

 

I completely agree with you and this is why I'm so confused why he talks to her so much. But I worry if I said to him what you have here he will think I'm being jealous or something.

 

He told me he wants to keep her as a friend but talking every couple of days seems way too much for friends who were in a long term relationship a few months ago. Once a month or even once every fortnight I could accept.