Nearly 8 years, 2 children & no ring

[anna121]

No, it is almost certainly not a coincidence. Keep your guard up and your eyes open.

[IfonlyIknew]

This was my relationship!!!!! 8 years, 2 kids, no ring! TO THE T. We had a very disconnected relationship, we never fought, he worked, I stayed home, we had from the outside what looked like the perfect family life. He always had an excuse "I want to wait to get the best ring", and if I were to ask him today what happened he says "I had a ring I had my eye on..i should have gotten it", even still.. If I didn't leave he probably wouldn't have proposed, now he is with someone else, 2 MORE kids, 4 years later, SHE has no ring or no wedding plans, jeesh! But I was the same way with him I could flat out ask him and he wouldn't look at me or say anything he was very quiet and non confrontational, we were extremely disconnected for years. At 8 years, there should be no gray area.

[usa1ah]

Sorry for this but heard it from a female friend in your shoes.

 

Why buy the cow when the milk is free.

 

You put yourself in this position. If he doesn't want to marry nothing you can do really.

 

O unless you find someone that does.

[usa1ah]

What an azz he is. So for him beauty is skin deep. Sorry you have to deal with this part.

 

My Wife has some marks, not as bad as yours. She also was 102 before and 135 after the third. She is still beautiful after 28 yrs. This is what true love is. The one you love never fades.

[SoleMate]

Aurelia. Job #1 for you is to see a family lawyer ASAP and get advice to protect yourself and your kids financially and practically. I wouldn't trust him if he told me the sky were blue at this point. There is just no chance he is authentically and sincerely trying to reconcile at this point. More like he's buying time to line up some ducks, not to your advantage. See a lawyer before he gets you boxed in even worse....

[sandylee1]

He's not against marriage, he's just against marriage with me

 

This is really all you need to know ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

Marriage or not, I can't see this relationship lasting too long, the way things are going.

 

If you personally are affected by the stretch marks, then see if there is anything that can be done .... but only if it bothers you.

 

Try and find out what rights you'd have in law, if you split up and please keep some savings of your own. You'll probably need that money if/when you split up.

[sandylee1]

I hadn't read everything when I posted before, but it's now clear that he's checked out of the relationship and wants you to leave.

 

If you don't pull the plug, he'll do so very soon.

 

Comments like

what do divorced and seperated couples do for custody?

 

Things like ignoring you. Turning up the volume when you try to talk.

 

That's so disrespectful. Basically he's struggling to find the words, and hoping the bad treatment towards you will be a hint that he's not into you anymore.

 

Someone else has caught his eye.

 

Do you ever go out with friends?

Do things for yourself?

Dress up and go out?

 

I think while you're trying to get proof of him cheating, you ought to start preparing for a life without him and gaining confidence as a woman. I'm sorry, but nothing indicates he loves you.

 

You're still very young.

130 pounds is not overweight, so stop stressing over it.

[olivetree]

He is definitely cheating. If not physically, then emotionally.

 

He has a burner phone and thinks you probably know now.

He is doing damage control.

 

He may have gotten a notification to his burner phone that the password changed, even if you erased it from his email when he was outside without the phone that you know about.

 

Or perhaps you did not delete the deleted email from his trash?

 

Anyway, I think cheating is unforgivable but that's beside the point.

I do think it's a huge mistake to decide to forgive him for cheating before they he has confessed or the affair is brought into the open.

It simply sets you up as a doormat.

There needs to be consequences for his actions.

To add to that, catching someone cheating vs. him confessing and being remorseful are totally different things.

 

The way I see it, you're not married.

He treats you like crap, even if it's the result of the affair.

He has never been sure of marrying you.

Cut your losses and find someone crazy about you.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Call me simple, but if there is no concrete plans for a wedding after 2-years, it's time to consider, planning to move on.

[elaine567]

I hope the OP is OK.

[SeenNotHeard]

I hope the OP is OK.

 

Me too, normally the OP chimes in a few times throughout the day.

[aureliee]

Last night my boyfriend dropped our kids off at his parents and was supposed to come right home. It’s about a 35-minute drive each way. He came back 2 hours later than he should have. I tried texting and calling him but he wouldn’t answer. When he did get home, he said the roads were bad and he got pulled over by a cop. Except, he dropped the kids off 40 minutes after he left our house (his mom texted me). And he’s an excellent driver and has never even had a parking ticket let alone been pulled over. The roads can be bad, apparently snow plows aren’t in the budget this year (literally) but they were fine on the way there. He said he took a different route… And that he keeps his phone on silent in the car.

 

When he came home he ran a bath for me, which he has never done in his life and showered while I was having a bath. He’s a bather, very rarely showers, and he had one that morning. He said he wanted us to go to bed and watch a movie. He let me pick the movie which sounds stupid but he rarely does. He wanted to cuddle, rather than sleep on opposite sides of the bed facing away from each other. Part way through the movie he started initiated sex/foreplay. Recently I’ve been the one that had to initiate, every time. Usually he’d shut me down. He was being sweet and romantic and the sex was good. Usually he’s totally disconnected (lately, he wasn’t like that before). He was acting like he use to act, before he started distancing himself and shutting me out. He said that he came but I’m quite sure that he didn’t. If he did, then it was a tiny amount which only happens when he recently got off. He said he masturbated in the shower so he’d last longer. He has done that before (not in the shower), so it is possible. Or he slept with someone else right before me. Which is disgusting to think about. He was MIA for 2 hours… He could have been with someone else.

 

In the moment it felt so good to have him show interest in me and want to be with me. Afterwards I couldn’t help it and blurted out “are you sleeping with someone else?”. He immediately said “What? No. Of course not” followed by “where did that come from?”. I said that he’s been distant lately and disinterested in me and the kids. He responded with “I know, and I’m sorry. I’m going to try and be better.” Then said how he’s been having a hard time adjusting to two kids, and we had the same issue after our son was born. That it’s been difficult having less time to himself and he gets stressed and detached when he doesn’t have some ‘me time’. The more I nagged the worse it got. He didn’t want to say anything to me about it because I didn’t have trouble adjusting and he didn’t think he should have had trouble either. For the first 5-6 months of our daughters life it was easier because we had help (I was on bed rest). Which is true… I came off bed rest and we were on our own at the same time as he started this new job and got distant. He said he’s going to try and be better and he wants to go to MC to learn to communicate better and understand each other and our needs better. He said he found a MC but we can choose a different one if I’d rather someone else and he set up some appointments every 2 weeks.

 

He said he’s never cheated but a few months ago, he flirted with a random person in a bar who he found attractive and just that made him feel very guilty. He said he thought about kissing her or hooking up with her but left before anything happened. He said there is nothing going on with his ex and they hardly see each other at work. She’s wanted to go out for drinks or coffee but he always declines because he knows it makes me uncomfortable.

 

In the morning he made breakfast, which he never does. He said he just wanted to spend the day together alone. He made plans to go out for dinner and then a movie. We spent the whole day together and he was being sweet all day. He talked about some of the things that have been going wrong and how we can fix them. Talked about marriage counseling again. He wrote down the things that we need to work on, from both of our perspectives and we talked about how we can work on them and what we both expect/want. He said he wants to go on a trip with us, leave the kids with his parents, so we can reconnect.

 

I don’t know what to think. He was doing everything right and saying all the right things. He was acting just like he use to… I want to trust and believe him. My life totally revolves around him and our kids. My whole day is either spent with the kids, at work, or trying to get him to enjoy being a family. I feel like I have to give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

I didn’t say anything about the other phone number because I didn’t know if he aware that I knew or not. I guess I hoped that he would bring it up and have some great reason for having it. I know I deleted the email from his account and trash, but if that email is set up on his burner phone then he would have seen it. I did try logging in again and he didn’t change the password back.

[angel.eyes]

Very interesting. How does he go from trying to drown your voice out with the radio when you attempt to have a conversation to the perfect partner the next day? Something's definitely up.

 

What did the cop stop him for? Where's the ticket?

 

You still need a voice-activated recorder in his car. I think he knows you're suspicious and is trying to get you off his track.

 

If he is cheating (and we don't know that for sure yet), his current behavior shows that he's not going to come clean. He'll give you only what he thinks you might know. Play along while you investigate. Don't alert him to any of your suspicions or he'll do a better job of covering his tracks. Also, stop logging on to his phone account once you've printed out all the records or taken screen shots. Most of my accounts are set up so that I get an email alert if anyone logs in from any device other than the ones I designate.

[beautifulinside2]

Smh.. keep snooping, don't waste anymore of your time if you ever want to get married. Crazy how he already booked a MC and had everything set up as if you caught him already. It's not a coincidence. You have a 2 options:

 

Don't look for proof that he is cheating, put everything behind you and take advantage of MC to move towards marriage or make your relationship better.

 

Search and get the answers and uncover exactly what he is doing and with whom, don't forget to place the voice recorder in the car. Also track mileage on his car.

 

The first if done properly and wholeheartedly will allow you to move forward with a happy life and family.

 

The second will bring closure to a lot of different issues you are facing in your relationship, separation will be next, and ultimately healing and growth. Good luck

[dpass]

He said he’s never cheated but a few months ago, he flirted with a random person in a bar who he found attractive and just that made him feel very guilty. He said he thought about kissing her or hooking up with her but left before anything happened.

 

And just watch, that's going to turn into "we just kissed", and later "there was only foreplay", and later "we only slept together once", and later "it was only 5 times", etc, etc, etc.

 

OP, you need to decide what you want. If the relationship stays the same as it is now, do you want to be with him? If you find out he's been cheating, do you want to be with him? If the answer is no to either then back out now. At the end of the day, you aren't married and it really doesn't matter if he was cheating or not. He's hiding something, and being a ****.

 

On the minuscule chance that this was random and he wants to work out your relationship, are you willing to work just as hard? What if he still won't marry you?

[sandylee1]

Men usually don't masterbate so that they last longer, not the other way round. That doesn't add up to me.

 

Please get the VAR. Also male sure he hasn't come across this thread and knows you're suspicious. Keep your browsing private on this forum or delete from your history.

 

I'm not buying his complete 180 all of a sudden and you shouldn't either.

 

The trip was a waste of money, but now he wants you both to go away? I'd love this to be genuine on his part, but I'm skeptical.

[dpass]

Men usually don't masterbate so that they last longer, not the other way round. That doesn't add up to me.

 

Actually many men masturbate (or find another method to orgasm such as oral) before sex so they will last longer the next time they have sex. Depending on what their refractory period is depends how far in advance they do it. Works well for people with premature ejaculation.

[elaine567]

Do you have access to the activity log of the burner phone?

If you can see it, it may be good to look at the 2 hours he was missing.

[Sweetfish]

I don't buy it... at all. You got caught playing detective and that set the 180.

[aureliee]

For the last couple days my boyfriend has been spending all of his free time with the kids and I. He's been sweet, like how he use to be. He has been doing a bunch of things around the house that I've wanted done for months. He's been up for doing things that he doesn't normally want to do at all. Even just the little things stand out. I so desperately want it to be for real and just a stupid coincidence with timing. He hasn't mentioned anything about the other phone number or me checking. He isn't acting off in terms of hiding things or being worried, guilty, etc.

 

Today while we were out he said "Monday lets go get married [at the courthouse]". I assumed he was joking and he said he was serious. He said it again a few times until I said we need a marriage license before we can get married, and he said "Okay, let's go get one". And we did. I know him really well and all the excuses he made, it sounded totally believable. There was excitement in his voice and he was pushing for it while I kept brushing it off, this time. I'm so use to it never turning out that it didn't seem real, but he seemed real. He said again tonight that Monday we should go and do it and to pick something to wear. (Which I just can't do without knowing the truth.)

 

I don't know what to think at this point. I don't want to be stupid and believe him, but I also don't want to be stupid and not believe him. I've been waiting for this for so long, and if he's willing to put the effort in to fix our relationship than so am I. I don't want to be hurt or cheated on, though. That terrifies me. Even when he said he just flirted with some random person once it hurt really bad. I don't know if I could handle hearing him say that he's slept with someone else.

 

There are still issues though that I can't overlook. Like, where was he when he was missing for 2 hours? He said a cop pulled him over but didn't ticket him. Just stopped him and took their sweet time letting him go. Then of course there is the other phone number that he won't bring up. I don't know what it's for, though let's be honest I probably do know. If I could see his call records I'd get an idea of what has been going on and if he was really pulled over.

 

I haven't seen the call records. When I logged into the account it stupidly wasn't on my mind and I didn't see an option for it. I've since looked up how to find it, so now I can do that, but I don't want him to figure it out right now. Part of me just doesn't want to know, because as soon as I do know nothing will be the same whether I stay or leave. The other part of me wants him to admit to whatever it is, rather than only telling me because got caught. If I had never suspected anything, who knows how long it would have gone on. Or hell, how long it has already been going on. For all I know it has been longer than 9 months like I suspect.

 

Right now I'm living in, ignorance is bliss - or at least trying to.

 

Do you still think he's faking it? Should I be confronting him about it? I have asked why the sudden change and he basically says "enough was enough, we need to get back on track" or "I don't want to give you a reason to leave, you've been trying it's time I step up".

[Dolfin80]

Wow he's clearly only doing this for his own selfish reasons. Could his affair partner have dumped him? If hes having one that is.

 

Very untrustworthy behaviour none the less

[dpass]

I still highly doubt that it's a coincidence. I see two scenarios...

 

It's not a coincidence at all, he was notified that you checked his records. That phone number is his burner phone, OR, maybe he is paying the phone bill for a sugar baby. It would be stupid to do that on the same account, but so is having a burner phone.

 

In this case he saw that you looked and now he is on his best behavior. He may have temporarily ended his affair out of fear, but he will go back to it. Or he may still be seeing her and this good guy act will fade once again.

 

Or let's play along and say it is a coincidence and he has no idea that you know about the other number. His affair partner likely ended things with him and now he's scrambling so he doesn't lose you to. When other woman comes around he will have another affair, or if this current one comes back.

 

Either scenario isn't in your favor. Do not marry him. If he wants to get married on Monday, and personally I think it's just said to get you off your scent, say no. You cannot marry someone who may be cheating.

 

Even if there is no cheating at all and he is telling the truth, you cannot marry someone when the relationship is so rocky. A few good days does not make up for a year of bad days. I wouldn't be getting married until the end of the year, personally.

[SoleMate]

It's not a coincidence. He has realized, one way or another, that you're waking up to the reality you're living in and are considering your future. For dedicated cheaters, the thought that the BGF might start to make her own decisions is terrifying so he's putting all he's got into the sweet act.

 

Should you marry him? H*LL NO!! Not with any unaddressed issues, questions, or dishonesty in between you. Actually you shouldn't ever marry him IMO. Keep in mind that you find it easier to confide in us strangers on the Internet than your cheater BF.....that right there says it all.

 

My advice still stands......see a family lawyer, start learning about what you need to do to protect yourself.

[aureliee]

I'm at a loss at what to do here...

 

Friday night my boyfriend went out around midnight. He said he wanted to go out and grab something to snack on. He did come back with food and in a reasonable amount of time, but I didn't believe it. He took a bit longer than he should have, there is a convenience store a few minutes from our house and he was gone for 30 minutes. He said the debit machine was broken at the store near our house, which does happen, but it's just excuse after excuse. He said he had to go to another store, which is why he took longer.

 

Saturday morning I put a VAR in his car. He went out on Saturday and today. Saturday there was nothing, other than random noises. Today he went to his parents for dinner, the kids and I didn't go because we aren't feeling well. I took the VAR out of his car tonight and he had two phone calls, one on the way there and one on the way back.

 

The conversation on the way to his parents was short, all he said was "I'm on my way to a dinner, I'll call you later." On his way home he made a phone call. He was using hands free and he said "call ___". The name is the same as his ex-girlfriend that he works with. I will say that it is a common name... The conversation didn't last too long. My boyfriends half of the conversation was

 

"Hey, how are you? Was your day okay? Sorry I couldn't make it this weekend. I'm on my way home now. No, I won't be able to. Yes, of course. The appointment is on the 24th at 10. We'll drive together? Okay, I'll give you a call later. Bye."

 

I'm a such a loss on what to do. It's not super incriminating. I mean, it's not like he was having phone sex, or even her names like babe or hun or said I love you, etc. I need to talk to my boyfriend about it, I can't stop going crazy thinking about it and what he's doing. I have the urge to tear his car apart looking for another phone.

 

I'm so worried that I'm going to lose my **** and start screaming and crying for answers. I can't take it anymore. He's seeing someone else, he has to be. But I don't feel like I have the proof to say that he is and confront him over it. I don't want to mess our relationship up and destroy our family for our kids just because I'm insecure and childish. I can't stand the thought of him being with someone else. I can't stand the thought of him being close to someone else and sharing things with some woman, things that I don't even know. I can't stand the thought of someone else being better than I am and him choosing her. Especially if it's his ex. That makes it feel like our whole relationship was a joke and a lie.

 

And what the **** is the appointment that he's talking about?... My first thought automatically jumps to 'he got some *ahem* pregnant' but he had a vasectomy so that's not possibly. Unless of course he didn't get one, but I know he did and I would have gotten pregnant by now had he not. Yet my mind still goes there non-stop.

 

He is still putting on this good guy (how he use to act) act. Doing all the right things, saying all the right things. Today when he came home, after having that phone call, he was talking about rings again and asked how I felt about going to get married TOMORROW. Or if I'd rather, plan something even though he'd rather have it nice and simple. Saturday night he was trying to have (what seemed like) a serious conversation about how we can improve our sex life and went as far as looking at toys online (together) and buying some.

 

I just can't do it. I need to know what is going on. Everything is all over the map and I can't deal with it... My mind is racing a mile a minute and I constantly feel like I am panicking. Basically this week I have a lawyer appointment, that he doesn't know about. Then he wants to get married apparently. And we have a MC appointment. I can't take the rollercoaster ride anymore.

[aureliee]

I so badly want to tear through all of his things and find anything that gives solid proof of what he is doing. I can't help but let my mind wander always thinking of something worse and worse. Maybe if I just knew what was going on it wouldn't be as bad as it is in my head. Or lord knows, maybe it would be worse. Maybe he has a whole other life that he's living outside of our relationship.

 

I want him to just tell me what is going on and if he really wants to walk away from whatever he's doing and try to salvage our relationship. I want the deceit, the lies, the disrespect to just stop. Is it just sex? Is there an emotional attachment? Does he love her? Is our relationship the fake one? Does he want to marry her? I just want to know...

 

He won't tell me the truth and I just need to confront him about it all. He isn't going to tell me the truth though I know he won't. I don't know what to do... I wish I could force the truth out of him and be able to trust that it was the truth.