amaysngrace Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 Your kids are learning what treatment to tolerate and how to treat others by what they see at home. Are you okay with that? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 (edited) I feel like I can't justify leaving the relationship. It makes me feel selfish. I feel like I need to slap on a happy face and pretend I'm happy. I know it would be stupid to marry him right now, so I don't know why I want it so bad. I want our relationship to go back to how it was, before he went distant, then get married - and be happy. He won't talk to me though or work with me on figuring out why he's distant and closed off. I tried talking to him today about why he's been acting differently and he basically shrugged it off. He wouldn't talk to me. Literally walked away while I was talking to him and even when I followed him he wouldn't talk to me. He said he's acting normal and I'm over analyzing and being stupid. When I've tried to talk to him about our sex life he either says work is stressful (which it's not) or he got use to not having sex because I was on bed rest for 4 months after our daughter was born, and his libido dropped because of it. That's just not true, though... Lots of new information. Were I you, I'd give talking to him about any of this a rest. Doesn't seem like much progress to be made. Before anything else happens, you need to decide what your boundaries are. If your relationship could be improved but marriage was never going to happen, is that enough for you? As has also been suggested, you need to consult with a family attorney to understand your rights. This may very well come down to an ultimatum at some point (soon). Counseling or else. Marriage or else. And you'll need to know what "or else" entails... Mr. Lucky Edited January 2, 2017 by Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author aureliee Posted January 2, 2017 Author Share Posted January 2, 2017 But what you describe barely sounds like a friendship, let alone a common law partnership. It is incredibly disrespectful of him to refuse to engage with you. I'm curious - do you ever have fun together? Do you have interesting conversations, or share inside jokes? Do you have common plans and dreams? We use to. Up until April we didn't really have problems. We went out often, had fun together, were happy, we planned things, always talked, spent a lot of time together. Now... no. Even a trip that was planned for this coming May has been cancelled with the reason that it's a waste of money. I don't necessarily disagree. About $5000 for a week in the Dominican for a friends wedding. We were thinking about doing a road trip and now he won't talk about that at all. Just like getting married he ignores what I say or blows it off, or talks about it but won't commit. We didn't have issues before. We use to be really happy. I don't know if we can get that back or not. We did before, when it happened. After our son was born it was really rough for 18 months, but we got back on track and things went back to normal. Now we're back in a rough patch, but this time I don't know why. At least last time I knew why, new parent issues. Your kids are learning what treatment to tolerate and how to treat others by what they see at home. Are you okay with that? No... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 OP, I don't think you need to worry about pulling the trigger and breaking up your family. It sounds like he is gearing up to do it. From what you have written, he is detaching for a reason and avoiding any talk of marriage or intimacy, and I would not be at all surprised to learn that it's because he is planning his exit. Here's how I look at it: He has mentioned he wouldn't date a single mom. (seems odd to be thinking about dating anyone, or perhaps wondering if he could meet someone as a single dad) He has wondered aloud what shared custody looks like. (speculating about what will happen when he leaves) He is avoiding making any big purchases (he will need decent finances if he winds up needing to rent a separate place for himself) or creating memories with you. He is withdrawing from you in a very troubling way. (creating emotional and physical distance as a means of transitioning out of the relationship) He refuses to talk about marrying you (he knows he's not going to, but can't quite yet bring himself to shatter your dreams like that) Sorry girl, but I think he is going to end it in the not-so-distant future. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
dpass Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 Because I don't have solid proof, I feel like I only think he's cheating because I'm insecure. I've gone through his things and found nothing. I don't know what else to do. I don't want to ask him about it, because I don't want him to hide things more or in case he really isn't cheating. So you try and find the clear cut proof you seem to need to justify your exit. You search harder and try harder. Get onto his computer and check every last folder, check his browsing history, check how often he erases it. Go onto his email, check all the folders, check the archive in the trash (it will pull up deleted emails). Before logging into his account check if another usernames/emails come up. He may have a separate email and may have instructed his computer to save the login details accidentally. Even if the name or heading/subject doesn't look suspicious check anyway. Go through his text messages, every conversation. Try and get a hold of his call history it will say who he has been calling and when. Call your phone provider and see if there is another number associated with your bill. If you have cloud photo storage look at it, if his phone is set to upload them automatically he may unknowingly upload "evidence". Check the images in his phone, I know someone who caught her husband because he accidentally took a screen shot of a text message and it uploaded to her cloud storage. Some cell phones take screen shots very easily, mine sure does. If he has apps like Reddit, check his posts, who knows maybe he's been posting about this. When he says he is going out with the guys, check his text or messages and see if it lines up. Go on his facebook and if you click on the search bar on the mobile app it shows up your recent searches, including people. If a woman shows up, check her profile maybe she posted a picture of them there. Check the comments and likes on his pictures and posts, is there a new name, someone who keeps showing up? Get a voice activated recording device and hide it in his car. It could let you catch him calling another woman or even having one in his car. When he leaves the house, follow him secretly. Do you know anyone at his work who he doesn't really know? They could give you an inside scoop. Can you randomly visit him at work? Notice things about him. Is his car cleaner than normal? Items in there that usually aren't? Check his bank statements, has he been making different purchases? Has he been dressing differently, does he put more effort into his appearance? Or, stay where you are and convince yourself that it's just a rough patch. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 (edited) The relationship is over. There isnt a single thing you've posted that indicates otherwise. He is keeping the status quo, because it benefits him. You are his housekeeper and child care provider. He's making out like a bandit. If thats how you want to live until the kids are grown and gone, then thats fine, its your choice. But stop calling him your boyfriend, stop saying you are in a relationship, because you arent. You are just living under the same roof. And providing a service that he needs. Edited January 2, 2017 by Whodatdog 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 Your kids are learning what treatment to tolerate and how to treat others by what they see at home. Are you okay with that? No... Children learn what they live. What they are learning from your relationship is going to stay with them for the rest of their lives. The adult romantic relationship dynamics you are modeling for them are likely to be what they see as normal and seek out in their own future relationships. Look, Aureliee, the reality is your partner has checked out physically and emotionally. For whatever reason, he isn't in love with you and is not attracted to you. The relationship is dead. You just haven't disposed of the corpse and grieved yet. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 OP, I don't think you need to worry about pulling the trigger and breaking up your family. It sounds like he is gearing up to do it. From what you have written, he is detaching for a reason and avoiding any talk of marriage or intimacy, and I would not be at all surprised to learn that it's because he is planning his exit. Here's how I look at it: He has mentioned he wouldn't date a single mom. (seems odd to be thinking about dating anyone, or perhaps wondering if he could meet someone as a single dad) He has wondered aloud what shared custody looks like. (speculating about what will happen when he leaves) He is avoiding making any big purchases (he will need decent finances if he winds up needing to rent a separate place for himself) or creating memories with you. He is withdrawing from you in a very troubling way. (creating emotional and physical distance as a means of transitioning out of the relationship) He refuses to talk about marrying you (he knows he's not going to, but can't quite yet bring himself to shatter your dreams like that) Sorry girl, but I think he is going to end it in the not-so-distant future. This. If he's walking away while you're talking to him, refusing to acknowledge your feelings and being distant, your boyfriend isn't interested in staying with you. The aforementioned comments show the writing on the wall. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SeenNotHeard Posted January 2, 2017 Share Posted January 2, 2017 Gently, he is done. Is it fair? No, but it is the reality. My suspicious mind thinks there is more going on here with him then what has bubbled to the surface so far. This feels awful for you as it seems to have lost yourself in all of this. Sounds like you have dedicated all your energy into this relationship and your family dynamic. I am sorry OP. Do you want to continue this way until you are much older and so much time passes? If you do, no judgement here, but I don't think you are happy with the status quo. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aureliee Posted January 3, 2017 Author Share Posted January 3, 2017 Is there no chance of getting our relationship back to where it was?.... I don't want to just give it up... If I could just get him to talk to me, maybe we could figure it out. We were in the car together for 4 hours and when I tried talking he turned music up louder. But maybe he just needs more time to get over whatever it is... Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 It takes two to have a relationship. Both have to participate to make it work. One person alone cannot make a relationship work, no matter how super-human of an effort that person puts in...or how "perfect" that person tries to be. He obviously has zero interest in fixing anything with you. I hate to say this, but based on his current behavior, right now he is halfway out the door and is just biding his time with you until his soft landing falls into place. You're going to have to accept that this is clearly not working out. Please put some effort into putting together a plan B--life without him. That way you won't feel so blind-sided and lost when he abruptly leaves. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Dolfin80 Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 Is there no chance of getting our relationship back to where it was?.... I don't want to just give it up... If I could just get him to talk to me, maybe we could figure it out. We were in the car together for 4 hours and when I tried talking he turned music up louder. But maybe he just needs more time to get over whatever it is... That's what an emotional abuser does. He sounds abusive to me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author aureliee Posted January 3, 2017 Author Share Posted January 3, 2017 Our phone bill is payed by my husband. I never see the bill since it's done online and automatically comes out of his bank account. I logged into to the account today (and the password was none of his regular ones, I had to reset it) and it showed 3 cell phone numbers associated with the account. We only have 2... I've never seen him with another phone. The only ones that we have are old ones that we keep in the car for the kids to play with, but they don't have batteries in them. The batteries went "missing" somehow. I ordered batteries for them and thanks to amazon should be here tomorrow. I'm terrified at what I'll find and don't even want to look. I keep trying to come up with other possibilities for the extra number. I never thought I'd be in this position... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 I'm glad you have the courage to take action and investigate despite your fears. Good for you. If you reset his password, please realize that he immediately got an email alert that you reset his password. He now knows that you're suspicious and checking up on him. Expect that third phone to stay at work and go silent or to go on a separate account. Also expect him to start deleting his online history and any incriminating info that you might access. As for him using the dead phones that his kids play with that have no batteries? I highly doubt that one of those is the third phone. You would be better served to get a voice-activated recorder and a GPS tracker and stick those in his car. Stay strong. You deserve the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aureliee Posted January 3, 2017 Author Share Posted January 3, 2017 I was expecting that he'd get an email, and he did. I reset the password when he was outside without his cellphone. I erased the email from his phone, tablet and computer. So hopefully he won't see it. It's probably a far reach for him to use one of the phones that he lets the kids play with. But they are always in his car, work (if they had batteries) and there is nothing wrong with them other than being older models. In his car, both are touchscreen Samsung phones. They had batteries for a long time, then one randomly went missing even though the kids can't open the backs. At first he said he didn't know, then said he took it out so they wouldn't play with the battery, then removed the battery from the other ones. It's all I have to go on right now. I did order a voice activated recorder but it'll take a couple days to come. I don't want to hear him talking to someone else, and would be worried about him finding it in his car. He's always dropping money and cards between the seats or under the seats. I don't know what will be worse, finding something or finding nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 Okay. That was really smart! Who gets the credit card bill? Is that bill being paid out of his bank account? I ask because you don't want him alerted to these purchases. Velcro the recorder to the bottom of his car seat. Also, place a piece of black tape over the light. That way, when he's searching for coins or whatever on the car floor, he won't see the blinking light on the recorder. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Springsummer Posted January 3, 2017 Share Posted January 3, 2017 well, you can check the cellphone's history and usage directly online, right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 I think you need to ask yourself what you are prepared to do, whatever you find. If you find evidence of cheating, what will you do? If you don't, then you've still got a big problem, because it doesn't change the fact that he is checked out and disinterested in you. To answer one of your previous questions - no, there is no chance for you two if he's not also working on it. You can't save a dead relationship by yourself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 Is there no chance of getting our relationship back to where it was?.... I don't want to just give it up... If I could just get him to talk to me, maybe we could figure it out. We were in the car together for 4 hours and when I tried talking he turned music up louder. But maybe he just needs more time to get over whatever it is... I understand why you don't want to give up but your boyfriend doesn't care about the relationship anymore. He's blatantly disrespecting you by refusing to discuss your concerns and being in constant contact with his ex. Time to detach yourself emotionally and start thinking of your future without him. Stop trying to reach out because he takes you for granted. Whether your boyfriend is cheating or not doesn't matter at this point because he's done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 Is there no chance of getting our relationship back to where it was?.... I don't want to just give it up... If I could just get him to talk to me, maybe we could figure it out. We were in the car together for 4 hours and when I tried talking he turned music up louder. But maybe he just needs more time to get over whatever it is... Your killing me... if you can get him to talk to you? There is only one thing you can do is walk out. You know what the future holds. You know what I see? Him cheating on you. Its going to happen, if it hasn't happen. We are not online E-books guessing what may happen... we are live people telling you this guy has checked out. He is annoyed. He feels stuck. He is not happy. The more you engage with him the more he will cheat. You dont need to be a detective or setup recorders. 110% this guy is cheating or will cheat. You need to start preparing to figure out the laws in your state with seperation and talk to a lawyer and get ready. Get ready mentally. I hate to be blunt. But better to prepare while your stable mentally now than make moves under emotional stress. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author aureliee Posted January 4, 2017 Author Share Posted January 4, 2017 My husband just took our kids to his parents and is on his way back. He said he wanted a night alone together. So maybe things can get better if he'll try. He said 'I love you' before he left, which is the first time in months I think. If he'd be willing to try then I'd want to try. I don't want to give up without trying, if he's trying as well. But it makes me wonder, why the sudden change and an abrupt plan. Taking the kids out at 10PM isn't normal. His mom is going to keep them for the day tomorrow. He said he wants a night alone together and then to go out tomorrow. If he is cheating, I don't know what I'd do. If he wanted to try and fix it I feel like I'd have to at least try. It would be really hard though. I don't know how much cheating I could handle (sleeping with someone once or a full affair). We have kids, they make me want to try harder. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 Is he trying to throw you off the scent, now that you're suspicious and actively investigating? How does someone go from trying to drown out your voice with the radio to right after you've changed his password, he suddenly wants alone time with you? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author aureliee Posted January 4, 2017 Author Share Posted January 4, 2017 Is he trying to throw you off the scent, now that you're suspicious and actively investigating? How does someone go from trying to drown out your voice with the radio to right after you've changed his password, he suddenly wants alone time with you? God I'm delusional, or just really tired. There is no way that's coincidence is it... He didn't say anything about it, he hasn't come home yet and it shouldn't have taken quite this long. The roads were kind of bad so maybe that's why... Or maybe he has no intention of coming back tonight. His mom does have the kids though, she texted when they got there. I used the term husband instead of boyfriend in my last post... That's how use I am to telling people we're married when we're not. Apparently I say it without even thinking at this point. It never should have got to that point. I don't think he would have noticed that I changed the password, he has no reason to logon there. So unless he saw an email that I thought I deleted, I don't know... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 God I'm delusional, or just really tired. There is no way that's coincidence is it... He didn't say anything about it, he hasn't come home yet and it shouldn't have taken quite this long. The roads were kind of bad so maybe that's why... Or maybe he has no intention of coming back tonight. His mom does have the kids though, she texted when they got there. I used the term husband instead of boyfriend in my last post... That's how use I am to telling people we're married when we're not. Apparently I say it without even thinking at this point. It never should have got to that point. I don't think he would have noticed that I changed the password, he has no reason to logon there. So unless he saw an email that I thought I deleted, I don't know... Something weird is going to happen and its gonna make you more confused than you are now. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dpass Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 It's too coincidental that as soon as you start to snoop around he does a 180. A very immediate one at that. Decides to get the kids out of bed at 10PM? That's probably right when he noticed what you've been up to and panicked. It wasn't planned out at all. Don't believe anything that he says. Or does. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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