Stopped The OLDing

[CobraX]

LOLLL

I am laughing because I am so not masculine physically (AT ALL) but I am definitely more like a a guy personality wise. I kind of thought maybe my independent strong and successful nature might have been the problem for some guys. I have considered a lot of things but I will never know if they just don't ever tell me!

I honestly think it is more the guys online in my area. Flaky and emotionally unavailable. But what do I know. Clearly nothing since I'm not having much luck

 

Well... looking feminine is half the battle. It's Ok to be independent, strong, and successful, those can all be feminine traits. What matters is how you present those features of your personality. Guys are wired to want to feel necessary and needed.

[VeveCakes]

that is what I have heard, so I think maybe they don't see where they fit in? I am very affectionate and caring though, if I was in a relationship they would certainly feel needed and wanted in that way. It's an interesting question you raise.

[Weezy1973]

LOLLL

I honestly think it is more the guys online in my area. Flaky and emotionally unavailable.

 

The men you're choosing to date from online are emotionally unavailable. The men you were choosing before were emotionally abusive. And, from the sounds of it your bio-dad was not the greatest guy in the world. Do you think these are related?

[VeveCakes]

The men you're choosing to date from online are emotionally unavailable. The men you were choosing before were emotionally abusive. And, from the sounds of it your bio-dad was not the greatest guy in the world. Do you think these are related?

 

absolutely they probably are!

 

When I was a teen and early 20s, I always had guys chasing me....non stop. They would become obsessed. I would date them 2 weeks to a month and then get bored and dump then. At that time I never thought I would ever be able to date someone long term. I actually hated that I couldn't get attached.

 

Then I met someone and got married. It was the first relationship I had longer than 5 months. We were married 5 years and he was extremely abusive. After him was the guy who tried to kill me. Now it seems I get really attached when I am into someone. Like the pendulum swung the other way.

[Redguitar35]

Yes there is plenty of interest for us women but the quality once you get to meet the men is severely low.

 

Like emotionally unavailable, unstable, or time wasters in my experience.

 

There are good ones out there, I just don't think in my region lol

 

I would say the exact same about women online. Even though I am an online dater, I have come to view other online daters with great suspicion. There are very very few quality women online. Most women have no trouble finding partners without the aid of dating sites and apps, and if they do, in my experience it is likely due to some aspect of their life that is making them unacceptable to prospective mates. Most of the women I met online turned out to be single for good reason. I met women with std's, substance abuse problems, criminal records, mental illness, kids and other baggage from previous relationships and others who just had no direction or drive in their lives. One woman I met still hadn't finalized her divorce six months after they separated (and didn't mention that until we were already on our first date). I've become better at screening matches for these issues, but the fact is the quality is very low on these dating sites.

Edited December 23, 2016 by Redguitar35

[PLT]

Don't worry I wasn't taking offence if you were blaming me lol

 

You are super lucky or maybe talented to be able to spot these things and avoid it. I can always see red flags but I used to ignore them. Ended up in a bad bad spot. Went to therapy after, learned how to ACT on red flags and my "gut".

 

Pretty much all the guys say they have been cheated on. Maybe that is a sign I shouldn't ignore. They all had past relationships that were long term. I actually have found a common factor is problems in the family life. Death of a parent. One parent left another...that type of thing, but I would never want to discredit someone because of that...it seems so shallow.

 

I think I just give everyone the benefit of the doubt that they are honest, and that is my own fault. I enjoyed reading your side of things.

 

Don't change

 

Once you stop giving people the benefit of the doubt, at least initially, you may miss that one person who is the exception.

 

OLD makes me feel jaded about it at times, and I've only been on there a week. Not getting replies is the norm. It bothered me to start with, but now I just realise it's the norm. What gets me is you see so many "Any GENUINE guys out there!" taglines, and then along I come, a genuine guy, that always sends more than a "Hi, How are you?" initial message. I actually read the profile and try to find something to start a conversation over. A film they like, or something in one of their photos (besides attractiveness), and get ignored. So I start thinking, why bother putting the effort in? I keep reminding myself that each message is to a new person and they might be the one that does reply to a message that has had thought put into it, and from there who knows?

 

I know your issue is after all this, and is once you actually start dating IRL. My take on this is, well, people are dicks. Too many use OLD for reasons other than what they say they want. The amount of times (last time I was on OLD in 2010) I saw someone a few times, even slept with a few, for them to then want to "try again" with their ex was quite frankly eye opening.

 

OLD is a minefield. I'm holding out no real hope of actually dating anyone on there. I'm already at the stage where it feels like more hassle than it's worth.

[joseb]

ummmmm I don't know. Guys who all say they want a relationship and then date you and then ghost you after a month. And it's not just me, all my friends... It's really hurtful to have the constant fake pulled on you.

 

You are missing one possibility, the guys are looking for a relationship, but don't see you as the right girl for them. Just because they lose interest after a month doesn't necessarily mean they lied or changed their mind about their long term goals (though I admit there are guys who do lie, just are there are women that do).

[VeveCakes]

You are missing one possibility, the guys are looking for a relationship, but don't see you as the right girl for them. Just because they lose interest after a month doesn't necessarily mean they lied or changed their mind about their long term goals (though I admit there are guys who do lie, just are there are women that do).

 

No I'm not missing that! I mentioned that if they don't like me then I totally get it, but they don't say that. They say they don't want to date anyone after all. They are all still single. I understand everyone has different tastes I have no problem with that and if that was the case I just wish they would say so

 

I am realizing I really am not great at this finding a relationship thing.

[joseb]

No I'm not missing that! I mentioned that if they don't like me then I totally get it, but they don't say that. They say they don't want to date anyone after all. They are all still single. I understand everyone has different tastes I have no problem with that and if that was the case I just wish they would say so

 

I've had a girl say that to me once. I took it to mean she wasn't interested in me. Lots of people like to avoid confrontation, which is why ghosting and "its not you, its me" type of lines are so common.

 

Would you really be happier if they explained in great detail exactly why they didn't want to continue? Most people can't handle too much honesty.

[mortensorchid]

I have OLDed at many points in life. At the moment I am not attempting to meet others by OLDing or any other means. And ... There is little to no action. I remember the world when OLD didn't exist, at least on the level that it is at this point. (I'm 41, I was there at the dawn of the internet and I have to remind myself that I spent age 18 and under without it for any purpose.) Difference? There is a certain amount of craziness that is not there that was there before. You get to chatting with someone, somewhat anticipate meeting someone, meet, and then either nothing happens or you end up disappointed.

 

Happier without it? I'm glad that the craziness is not there. I think what OLD does to you in general is to give you more volume of people to talk to, you get a few meals / coffees that you wouldn't have otherwise, but ... It's what it is. You have to tell yourself that whatever will be will be, if it's meant to be it's meant to be, and someday, somehow it too can happen to you.

[winny]

It's not just online dating... anything else online... even plain old chatting... full of creeps. When I was back in India... I always thought online stuff is for creepy people who have no life. I never had the need to look online for friends or BFs because I had a vibrant real life full of people.

 

Only after I moved to US and started my life here and didn't know anyone that I tried to meet people online and as expected the majority of people still are weirdos.

2 days back I exchanged numbers with a guy and he asked me out for tonight.

Guess what, I saw his profile pop up under suggested friends in Facebook and when I open it I see he has a GF. I texted him about this and blocked him.

 

It is always better to meet people through your real life connections... OLD is very risky and rate of success is much lower for people looking for something meaningful.

[VeveCakes]

You are missing one possibility, the guys are looking for a relationship, but don't see you as the right girl for them. Just because they lose interest after a month doesn't necessarily mean they lied or changed their mind about their long term goals (though I admit there are guys who do lie, just are there are women that do).

 

I've had a girl say that to me once. I took it to mean she wasn't interested in me. Lots of people like to avoid confrontation, which is why ghosting and "its not you, its me" type of lines are so common.

 

Would you really be happier if they explained in great detail exactly why they didn't want to continue? Most people can't handle too much honesty.

 

Yes I would be. I appreciate honesty and can handle rejection. I much prefer to know the truth.

 

If someone tells me something I believe them. If they have other motives I am not going to assume so simply because so many people are liars. Maybe they weren't interested... they should be honest and say so. If it's is just me I would be interested in knowing why because I feel I have a lot to offer and would be a loving and caring partner.

[winny]

I've had a girl say that to me once. I took it to mean she wasn't interested in me. Lots of people like to avoid confrontation, which is why ghosting and "its not you, its me" type of lines are so common.

 

Would you really be happier if they explained in great detail exactly why they didn't want to continue? Most people can't handle too much honesty.

 

Did you just say -- will you be happier???

 

Let me tell you what happens when people ghost after dating you and sleeping with you-

 

Generally they would be texting with you normally and suddenly go quiet without a warning.

 

You spend 2 days wondering where they are.

Then you send them a text.... no answer....

You spend 2 more days wondering what happened... it starts to sink in that maybe they ghosted you...

Then you text them just one last time.... they respond back... even chat with you back and forth... your hopes are up... maybe you were overthinking and over analyzing.

Then again silence... now you feel broken... you shed few tears... you go over all the dates to think and re think where were the signs... how could you miss them... you think again maybe he needs space... maybe he will be back in few days... you sit and wait... he texts you... and then goes silent.... you start to feel angry but you dont want to show it... finally you ask him... whats is up.... he says something like -- oh my dad is sick, my dog is sick, my family is having troubles... you wonder if it is true... you give him some more space... then it is complete silence.... you know its over... you breakdown... spend few days crying and hurting and going over and over and over all the details in your head or with your friends or ask on some forum for help... you suffer most thinking that was I not even of enough value to be told that it is over.... you question your worth.... it pains too much.... it is hard to believe that all the things he said were lies or meaningless... you mean absolutely nothing to him... maybe not even a human with feelings.... you are broken so much now it will take you few weeks or few months to be able to feel okay enough to date someone seriously again.

[OatsAndHall]

I am a successful professional myself. Own a beautiful farm, just bought another house (fixer upper). A car/truck. 4 horses I compete. Take care of my appearance. I do not want a man for what he has but for his heart and the physical connection. I have no problem attracting men...just the ones I am attracted to seem to be wrong ones lol

 

and I love your comment because that is the type I go for. Country boys, trade workers etc.

 

I live and work in a small rural, farming community and, to be blunt, this could always be an issue for you. I don't know what the culture is like in your area but it's extremely misogynistic and patriarchal in my neck of the woods. I have some friends and colleagues that are good guys and they appear to have happy marriages but they most certainly believe that the male takes the lead, PERIOD. I was shocked the other day as one of them mentioned that their daughter in-law hyphenated her name (she runs a side business so her last name is important to her..) and was extremely p-ssed off about it. I never would have expected that kind of response out of him. He went so far to say that he wouldn't have married his wife is she was going to hyphenate her name. That's really shocked me as they've been married a long time and appear to be happy together.

 

IMO, you'll be hard pressed to find a "country boy" that hasn't been raised in this type of environment. They're going to be intimidated by your success as they're used to poorly balanced marriages and relationships. Some of my single male friends up there are stuck with the "Madonna and The Whore" complex: they want a woman that can cook, clean, and take care of kids while still finding time the work the farm and be the "wild country girl". Entertaining, for sure.

 

I am a teacher in this area and I certainly don't look nor act the part of the "country boy". I fish and hunt and am good for bucking bales and the occasional branding. but that's about it. To be blunt, OLD is basically a waste of time for me in this area. I'm a reasonably good looking guy that takes care of himself, I have a professional career and my sh-t together but the women in that area are looking for a fella with a pick-up truck, tats and a cowboy hat.

[VeveCakes]

It's an interesting area because although I live on a farm I am only 2 minutes from the town. I work in a neighbouring city 30 minutes away in a business type career. So I wear both hats, the professional and the country girl.

 

Although I am definitely self sufficient and independent, I try to show guys I can also be the wife type - cook dinner and take of my man type of thing. I am sure there could be something about me or my life that guys don't want a part of. I mean the horse owner lifestyle isn't for everyone either. I always try and keep that seperate so men know I support that hobby myself and can carry a conversation on about something other than horses lol

 

I am moving shortly to the city I work in but it is just outside the city on a small farm. I'm hoping being in a bigger city full time will help with meeting people outside old.

[OatsAndHall]

It's an interesting area because although I live on a farm I am only 2 minutes from the town. I work in a neighbouring city 30 minutes away in a business type career. So I wear both hats, the professional and the country girl.

 

Although I am definitely self sufficient and independent, I try to show guys I can also be the wife type - cook dinner and take of my man type of thing. I am sure there could be something about me or my life that guys don't want a part of. I mean the horse owner lifestyle isn't for everyone either. I always try and keep that seperate so men know I support that hobby myself and can carry a conversation on about something other than horses lol

 

I am moving shortly to the city I work in but it is just outside the city on a small farm. I'm hoping being in a bigger city full time will help with meeting people outside old.

 

This might be the Dayquil talking (I'm wrecked on it, lol) but I know that my female friends with a specific "type" struggle to find quality relationships. Especially when dealing with OLD sites. One is all about highly educated, intellectual, "beta male", millennial men and she has hit a brick wall in her dating pursuits. She is continually complaining that these guys are either quietly arrogant/passive aggressive or they have absolutely no self-confidence. But, I don't know what she expects: she's looking for specific traits in men and those traits come with their positives and negatives. I used to be the same way. I wanted an athletic, super active, college educated woman with the exact same religious and political views as me and was completely turned off by tattoos. I was painting myself into a corner and missing out on some quality relationships with women who weren't my "type". The gal I am with now only has a few of those "prerequisites" but we get along well.

 

I met my current girlfriend via OLD and we have a pretty solid relationship. But, I know that I wouldn't be using those sites much anymore if I were single. I have always had more luck meeting women in the real-world than over any dating site. It's so much easier to strike up a conversation with a woman face to face than it is to continue to play the OLD game. I grow weary of trying to sell myself through my profile and messages.

 

It's funny, I was donating blood the other day and I had actually messaged the gal that was drawing it over POF (yes, it's a very small world where I live). She had read the message but never responded. I recognized her instantly but she didn't recognize me. We had a great, twenty minute long conversation about a variety of subjects: work, college, etc..etc.. I thanked her and left without saying anything about the OLD site. Had I been single, I would have left her my number and, judging by how much I made her laugh, I think would have gotten a date. People say that there's no difference between OLD and the real-world and there shouldn't be. But, in my experience, there is.

[BoatsBoatsBoats]

You are missing one possibility, the guys are looking for a relationship, but don't see you as the right girl for them. Just because they lose interest after a month doesn't necessarily mean they lied or changed their mind about their long term goals (though I admit there are guys who do lie, just are there are women that do).

 

This is why I always swipe left on guys who put "Only looking for a serious relationship" or "Swipe left if you're only looking for a fling" on their profile. I'm not against pursuing a relationship at all, but how the frack am I supposed to know whether I will like this guy enough to want to be exclusive with him before going on a few dates with him? I'm not gonna risk having some dude flip out and tell me I'm a lying slut if I reject him.

[joseb]

Did you just say -- will you be happier???

 

Let me tell you what happens when people ghost after dating you and sleeping with you-

 

Generally they would be texting with you normally and suddenly go quiet without a warning.

 

You spend 2 days wondering where they are.

Then you send them a text.... no answer....

You spend 2 more days wondering what happened... it starts to sink in that maybe they ghosted you...

Then you text them just one last time.... they respond back... even chat with you back and forth... your hopes are up... maybe you were overthinking and over analyzing.

Then again silence... now you feel broken... you shed few tears... you go over all the dates to think and re think where were the signs... how could you miss them... you think again maybe he needs space... maybe he will be back in few days... you sit and wait... he texts you... and then goes silent.... you start to feel angry but you dont want to show it... finally you ask him... whats is up.... he says something like -- oh my dad is sick, my dog is sick, my family is having troubles... you wonder if it is true... you give him some more space... then it is complete silence.... you know its over... you breakdown... spend few days crying and hurting and going over and over and over all the details in your head or with your friends or ask on some forum for help... you suffer most thinking that was I not even of enough value to be told that it is over.... you question your worth.... it pains too much.... it is hard to believe that all the things he said were lies or meaningless... you mean absolutely nothing to him... maybe not even a human with feelings.... you are broken so much now it will take you few weeks or few months to be able to feel okay enough to date someone seriously again.

 

Well, I have had a girl do almost exactly that to me recently, so I do know where you are coming from. It sucks. Especially as I liked her.

I try not to dwell on it though. Once I would have, but now I just say, whatever, and move on. It could be any number of reasons. Maybe she didn't like the sex that much. Or something about my body. Maybe she rekindled with an old flame.

Maybe she is dating someone else, who she likes better.

 

I'm not going to let it get to me or think there is something wrong with me simply because someone decides they don't want to keep seeing me.

And you shouldn't either.

 

It's an interesting point though - is it always better to know the whole truth?

 

Do you have some examples of breakups where a guy told you the real reason and you were OK with it?

 

I can't think of any breakups where the girl was like "oh, ok, i understand, in that case yeah we should break up, thanks for that".

Edited December 26, 2016 by joseb