Stopped The OLDing

[dumbass2]

It can work fine if you don't limit yourself to just OLD. I also go out, go to meet ups and have dabbled in speed dating and done very well as far as contacts go. Haven't been in a serious relationship since my ex 2 years ago, but not giving up, even though I'm in the older crowd. Burnt out on too many one and done dates because of people stretching the truth on profiles and too much baggage. I don't seem to have any problem attracting women, just ones that I'm also attracted to and don't have baggage they can't carry well. Taking a break from it all right now and maybe get back to it in Jan.

[Kelley]

I felt a bit despondent in the beginning, being ghosted after a few chats. I ghosted when alarm bells and my gut feeling told me something just wasn't right! Then in came a nice message and I replied, from there we got on like a house on fire over messages, lots in common, very funny good banter, then we met in person and really clicked.

 

It wasn't a romantic date just a coffee and some window shopping! We chatted and laughed and just felt comfy and have been dating a few weeks now. It's not about the romantic and expensive meal, it's the company. He is one of the most genuine and loveliest guys I have met in a long time! The genuine guys/girls do exist you just have to pass on A LOT of bad ones first to find them! Don't take it personally, online dating can be brutal but it can be successful. I'm enjoying taking it slow and having fun, who knows where it will lead, but it's looking good so far!

[DK_Casus]

I think the correlation is fairly obvious once they ghost....its only after like a month in. After they go on and on about how much they are into you, want a relationship blah blah blah.

 

You can't have your wall up all the time or you will never let people in. How about instead of blaming us the men stop lying to us and themselves. (Im only saying men because thats what I date).

 

Who's blaming anyone?

 

I just see this pattern a lot with women. All I'm saying is that when they describe the guys in question - all my red flags are raised ASAP. This is during the initial interaction. It's as if they actually know they've picked a bad apple, but just refuse to acknowledge it.

 

They keep dating the same kind of dude over and over again.

 

That said, I don't blame anyone as it's not my problem.

 

I simply believe you can spot the VAST majority of fakes by keeping your eyes open and brain functioning.

 

It's not about having a wall, because why would you even be attracted to this type in the first place? I don't get it.

 

Then again, I'm not a woman, so....

[VeveCakes]

Why wouldn't you be attracted when they act like perfectly nice men at first. I will play the scenario for you.

 

You meet a guy who is attractive and seems very kind. You ask what they are looking for and they say a relationship if they meet the right person etc. You chat and hang out and they say they are into you etc. The more you hang out, the closer you get. They take you out, help you around the house, want to be exclusive. You meet friends etc. They take on the boyfriend role and you seem to think things are going good.

 

Then one day they fade and either have no excuse or say they want to be alone, can't handle a gf, whatever.

 

It has happened to me a few times, and my friends a bunch of times. It's the same story over and over. It's not just one of us or one of them. It's all the freakin time. It's always with guys met on OLD...never when someone meets someone in the flesh.

 

I think it's easy to put the fault on us, but honestly I can only speak for myself and I am not an inexperienced dater. You shouldn't have to have psychotherapy level skills at reading people to know what you are getting into. I think the majority of men online think they want something and act that way then when it comes they find out they don't want it. Fair enough but, it still sucks.

 

Anyways it was just a rant about the experiences I have had and those around me have had, and the reasons I have taken a break from OLD.

[DK_Casus]

Why wouldn't you be attracted when they act like perfectly nice men at first. I will play the scenario for you.

 

You meet a guy who is attractive and seems very kind. You ask what they are looking for and they say a relationship if they meet the right person etc. You chat and hang out and they say they are into you etc. The more you hang out, the closer you get. They take you out, help you around the house, want to be exclusive. You meet friends etc. They take on the boyfriend role and you seem to think things are going good.

 

Then one day they fade and either have no excuse or say they want to be alone, can't handle a gf, whatever.

 

It has happened to me a few times, and my friends a bunch of times. It's the same story over and over. It's not just one of us or one of them. It's all the freakin time. It's always with guys met on OLD...never when someone meets someone in the flesh.

 

I think it's easy to put the fault on us, but honestly I can only speak for myself and I am not an inexperienced dater. You shouldn't have to have psychotherapy level skills at reading people to know what you are getting into. I think the majority of men online think they want something and act that way then when it comes they find out they don't want it. Fair enough but, it still sucks.

 

Anyways it was just a rant about the experiences I have had and those around me have had, and the reasons I have taken a break from OLD.

 

Again, I'm not placing blame - so try not to focus on that. I'm talking about my own experiences with the women I know, so I can't know what you've been through.

 

Also, I don't know what you talk to guys about - or what you ask them. But, personally, I've had luck with OLD many times, and I do a LOT of "pre-screening" work if I can get away with it.

 

That means I ask for details about their past relationships - and I ask them about their position on several values that are important to me.

 

In this way, I find it very easy to detect when something "doesn't add up" - and when there are strange gaps in their stories, like when they want to change the topic for whatever reason.

 

Maybe you've been extra unfortunate, and maybe the men you've been seeing are masters of deception.

 

That's hard for me to say.

 

All I can say is that it's MY experience that people like this have been easy for ME to spot, so far.

[VeveCakes]

Don't worry I wasn't taking offence if you were blaming me lol

 

You are super lucky or maybe talented to be able to spot these things and avoid it. I can always see red flags but I used to ignore them. Ended up in a bad bad spot. Went to therapy after, learned how to ACT on red flags and my "gut".

 

Pretty much all the guys say they have been cheated on. Maybe that is a sign I shouldn't ignore. They all had past relationships that were long term. I actually have found a common factor is problems in the family life. Death of a parent. One parent left another...that type of thing, but I would never want to discredit someone because of that...it seems so shallow.

 

I think I just give everyone the benefit of the doubt that they are honest, and that is my own fault. I enjoyed reading your side of things.

[Larryville]

I've had luck with OLD many times, and I do a LOT of "pre-screening" work if I can get away with it.

 

That means I ask for details about their past relationships - and I ask them about their position on several values that are important to me.

In this way, I find it very easy to detect when something "doesn't add up" - and when there are strange gaps in their stories, like when they want to change the topic for whatever reason.

 

DK I agree, someone here once said the goal of OLD is “to meet people” whatever happens after that is on you.

 

I can spot flakes, and people with issues a mile away. From their user names, type of pictures, what is said and not said in profiles.

 

While things for many did not end up in relationships I can say overall that I have only been seriously disappointed in someone I actually met once in all the years I have been OLD. Yes I figure out that we are not the right “fit” but generally as people they were cool.

 

If you are not “meeting people” if you keep getting into bad situations or meeting terrible men or women, serious flakes, serious character flaws that is just like hiring the wrong person for a job.

 

If you do you do your homework on people and do due diligence on deciphering who and what they are really all about you will never be disappointed. Always follow your gut.

[DK_Casus]

Don't worry I wasn't taking offence if you were blaming me lol

 

You are super lucky or maybe talented to be able to spot these things and avoid it. I can always see red flags but I used to ignore them. Ended up in a bad bad spot. Went to therapy after, learned how to ACT on red flags and my "gut".

 

Pretty much all the guys say they have been cheated on. Maybe that is a sign I shouldn't ignore. They all had past relationships that were long term. I actually have found a common factor is problems in the family life. Death of a parent. One parent left another...that type of thing, but I would never want to discredit someone because of that...it seems so shallow.

 

I think I just give everyone the benefit of the doubt that they are honest, and that is my own fault. I enjoyed reading your side of things.

 

I've never been cheated on AFAIK, so maybe that's a factor - though it could simply be a fabrication on their part to give themselves an excuse to be a**holes.

 

I'm aware that, for men, it's a different culture. It's almost a goal in itself to get with as many women as possible - which I find incredibly destructive to ALL involved. Some guys seem to think it's super cool, until they discover that they too have feelings - and the women they want to share their lives with aren't receptive because of bad experiences with similar sheep-like guys.

 

It's a stupid and vicious circle. It's certainly no fun for someone like myself, who's never been interested in spreading my seed as a sport. For me, it was always love in itself that was special. Sex is more like a nice bonus. Encountering these damaged women is particularly discouraging, because I pay the price for the selfishness of others. A ton of wonderful and really attractive women are completely immune to what I would consider a level playing field. They seem so inundated with the concept of players and clowns that they struggle to believe a reasonable person is truly into them.

 

So, they shield themselves instead and get stuck with the exact type of guy that ruined it for them in the first place.

 

Anyway, with the women I know who keep dating these guys, I find it really amazing that they're THAT good at not listening to their gut. To me, it seems like it's a deliberate strategy to get themselves into the same **** over and over again.

 

It's a strange psychology for sure.

 

I'm sad to hear about your bad experiences. I truly hope you meet a decent and worthy guy soon

Edited December 23, 2016 by DK_Casus

[VeveCakes]

 

Anyway, with the women I know who keep dating these guys, I find it really amazing that they're THAT good at not listening to their gut. To me, it seems like it's a deliberate strategy to get themselves into the same **** over and over again.

 

It's a strange psychology for sure.

 

I'm sad to hear about your bad experiences. I truly hope you meet a decent and worthy guy soon

 

I just wanted to comment on this. It is not deliberate. I learned about this a lot in therapy. Before this year, yes, I always seemed to end up with emotionally abusive *******s. I never knew why! I thought it was bad luck but it wasn't. I have obviously learned this now. I am completely changed person in dating now and what I look for and see in a romantic partner. I have grown immensely. I can confirm %100 though, that the women that date these types who are huge *******s or abusive are not doing it on purpose. For me, I just was too forgiving. Ignore the subtle signs because I was attracted and attached. Didn't know my worth enough to know I deserved better. I do now.

 

The funny thing about OLD for me at this point is if guys just wanted sex, I would be fine with that. It's them saying they want a relationship and then backing out saying they don't. It happens a lot. If they said they didn't want a relationship with ME I would be fine with that too! I can take rejection. I know not everyone will like me and that is totally fine. I just think they don't know what they want and it wastes everyones time. All of these guys (myself and friends) have dated are actually still single so I believe the reason was truly they didn't want a relationship. Just wish they knew that before wasting everyones time.

 

Thank you for the kind words I have a lot of love to give so I hope I find someone who is worthy

[DK_Casus]

I just wanted to comment on this. It is not deliberate. I learned about this a lot in therapy. Before this year, yes, I always seemed to end up with emotionally abusive *******s. I never knew why! I thought it was bad luck but it wasn't. I have obviously learned this now. I am completely changed person in dating now and what I look for and see in a romantic partner. I have grown immensely. I can confirm %100 though, that the women that date these types who are huge *******s or abusive are not doing it on purpose. For me, I just was too forgiving. Ignore the subtle signs because I was attracted and attached. Didn't know my worth enough to know I deserved better. I do now.

 

The funny thing about OLD for me at this point is if guys just wanted sex, I would be fine with that. It's them saying they want a relationship and then backing out saying they don't. It happens a lot. If they said they didn't want a relationship with ME I would be fine with that too! I can take rejection. I know not everyone will like me and that is totally fine. I just think they don't know what they want and it wastes everyones time. All of these guys (myself and friends) have dated are actually still single so I believe the reason was truly they didn't want a relationship. Just wish they knew that before wasting everyones time.

 

Thank you for the kind words I have a lot of love to give so I hope I find someone who is worthy

 

Obviously, each individual is unique.

 

But, I'm afraid I think the majority of these guys are simply saying and doing whatever they think will get them laid for however many times it takes for them to feel like they've "conquered" their target - and then they move on.

 

I'm sure there are exceptions, but that would be my guess - based on males in my own social circle who have success with "many" women.

 

I don't think it has anything to do with them not wanting a relationship with YOU - they're simply not thinking along those lines at all.

 

They just want their immediate needs met, which can include the "sensation" that they could have you as a girlfriend if they wanted to.

 

Eventually, they'll figure out how vacant that is, but by then the damage is done.

 

It's a sick culture.

[Larryville]

It's a sick culture.

 

Didn't know my worth enough to know I deserved better. I do now.

 

Very important!!

 

I’ll just add this is why we all need to reexamine our past. If you are someone who keeps failing in relationships or meeting the wrong people you must discover who your relationship role models are.

 

From whom did you learn you social skills from?

 

Did you see or experience “good” relationship role models growing up? (parents who had a good solid marriage, love AND respected one another?)

 

V as you stated did someone (a role model of some type) help you explore and discover your value as a human being?

 

Also people MUST fundamentally get that “respect” is a far more important aspect to human relationships that love or basic companionship.

 

Virtually every thread on this board when it comes down to some relationship or dating breakdown or people being @$$holes is lack of basic human respect.

 

Kinda like a quote I saw recently:

 

“you don’t have to blow someone’s candle out to make yours shine brighter”

 

Some people are just content to screw with, manipulate, lie, and deceive people because they simply don’t value or care about anyone other than themselves.

[Weezy1973]

I'm another person who really enjoyed OLD when I was doing it. I'm a very average man (or even somewhat below average), in practically every trait - looks, height, career, education etc, and had what I consider a ton of success. I define success meeting many women that I was attracted to, developing multiple short term relationships (1-3 months) and a couple of long term relationships (6 months+), including my current relationship.

 

And anybody who thinks not getting a response from someone on OLD is a rejection is ridiculous. Nothing is anything until you actually meet in person. OLD is place to meet single people. Once you meet, then you decide if you want to go out on a date. And most of the women I met, although attractive in many ways, I was not compatible with. One and done. And that's what I would expect when meeting strangers.

 

People that aren't happy with OLD tend to have unreasonable expectations.

[CobraX]

ummmmm I don't know. Guys who all say they want a relationship and then date you and then ghost you after a month. And it's not just me, all my friends... It's really hurtful to have the constant fake pulled on you.

 

This has more to do with the dating marketplace than anything else. Women under 30 make more than men under 30 by 20% and climbing... the colleges are damn near 70% female. So do the math. The competition for educated successful guys has never been harder. The guys know this and have become extremely picky.

 

My suggestion... go for a Larry the Cable guy type.

[VeveCakes]

Obviously, each individual is unique.

 

But, I'm afraid I think the majority of these guys are simply saying and doing whatever they think will get them laid for however many times it takes for them to feel like they've "conquered" their target - and then they move on.

 

I'm sure there are exceptions, but that would be my guess - based on males in my own social circle who have success with "many" women.

 

I don't think it has anything to do with them not wanting a relationship with YOU - they're simply not thinking along those lines at all.

 

They just want their immediate needs met, which can include the "sensation" that they could have you as a girlfriend if they wanted to.

 

Eventually, they'll figure out how vacant that is, but by then the damage is done.

 

It's a sick culture.

 

That makes me so sad if that is the reality but it makes sense. I would enjoy some casual sex these days so they wouldn't have to lie to me but I guess they figure they have to. Which leads into the next I quoted which I agree - lack of respect for others.

 

Very important!!

 

I’ll just add this is why we all need to reexamine our past. If you are someone who keeps failing in relationships or meeting the wrong people you must discover who your relationship role models are.

 

From whom did you learn you social skills from?

 

Did you see or experience “good” relationship role models growing up? (parents who had a good solid marriage, love AND respected one another?)

 

V as you stated did someone (a role model of some type) help you explore and discover your value as a human being?

 

Also people MUST fundamentally get that “respect” is a far more important aspect to human relationships that love or basic companionship.

 

Virtually every thread on this board when it comes down to some relationship or dating breakdown or people being @$$holes is lack of basic human respect.

 

Kinda like a quote I saw recently:

 

“you don’t have to blow someone’s candle out to make yours shine brighter”

 

Some people are just content to screw with, manipulate, lie, and deceive people because they simply don’t value or care about anyone other than themselves.

 

I agree, the lack of respect is appalling.

 

My parents fought like crazy and divorced when I was 12. I'm sure this affected me but I was happy when they split. My mom soon after got into a very loving and good relationship and my step father is considered my father as he was more of a father to me than my bio one ever was.

 

I entered intense therapy in April because my ex boyfriend tried to kill me. He was also cheating and lying etc and when I found out is when he attacked me. It was a rough recovery but I am almost thankful for the experience because it brought me to therapy and thus learning so much about myself. My therapist is wonderful and very insightful and helped me see my patterns and why etc. It was very enlightening.

 

I have taken a break from dating now because of the experiences I have had lately. Maybe I need to grow a bit more to attract the right man.

[VeveCakes]

This has more to do with the dating marketplace than anything else. Women under 30 make more than men under 30 by 20% and climbing... the colleges are damn near 70% female. So do the math. The competition for educated successful guys has never been harder. The guys know this and have become extremely picky.

 

My suggestion... go for a Larry the Cable guy type.

 

I am a successful professional myself. Own a beautiful farm, just bought another house (fixer upper). A car/truck. 4 horses I compete. Take care of my appearance. I do not want a man for what he has but for his heart and the physical connection. I have no problem attracting men...just the ones I am attracted to seem to be wrong ones lol

 

and I love your comment because that is the type I go for. Country boys, trade workers etc.

[DK_Casus]

That makes me so sad if that is the reality but it makes sense. I would enjoy some casual sex these days so they wouldn't have to lie to me but I guess they figure they have to. Which leads into the next I quoted which I agree - lack of respect for others.

 

As an attractive woman, you can get all the casual sex you want by being honest about it. Most men would be willing and you wouldn't need to feel betrayed.

[CobraX]

Both good points, I guess as far as this woman is concerned my thinking is this, my profile is very clear about things I am not interested it, I’m not a “lister” but something as simple as having seriously outdated photos, a number of blurry photos for example. There are clearly things in her profile I state in mind that I'm not interested it. But bottom line she is seriously unattractive to me, my interest is less than zero, so I think are people that freaking clueless?

So when she keeps reaching out to me after all of these years I think I get more and more flabbergasted.

So as your statement if I had just said “not interested” years ago would I have saved her time and validation?

What is worse getting a “not interested” or not getting a response?

I’ve had countless women say that when they send a “not interested” dudes get belligerent, nutty because they don’t handle rejection well.

 

Here is the thing... she knows that she likely isn't attractive to you, but she has hope.

 

Those guys who get belligerent are often upset long before and when they receive a rejection message it seems to them an opportunity to vent frustration. Also, some guys who don't get much rejection can freak out when they receive it.

 

I personally would prefer to receive constructive criticism. I can change my profile, change my pictures... present myself in a different way. I don't need to change my face.

[VeveCakes]

As an attractive woman, you can get all the casual sex you want by being honest about it. Most men would be willing and you wouldn't need to feel betrayed.

 

It's hard because I have to be really attracted physically to the person, and I don't have a type but I just know what I like when I see it.

 

I have changed my mindset now when I go into things I just assume it is casual and then I won't be let down or disappointed. This has actually allowed me to gain a fwb and feel a lot more nonchalant about things in dating which is nice but kind of sad too because I always believed in movie type love. I know now that is ridiculous at the start lol

 

This thread has been a bit therapeutic for me so thank you all

[DK_Casus]

It's hard because I have to be really attracted physically to the person, and I don't have a type but I just know what I like when I see it.

 

I have changed my mindset now when I go into things I just assume it is casual and then I won't be let down or disappointed. This has actually allowed me to gain a fwb and feel a lot more nonchalant about things in dating which is nice but kind of sad too because I always believed in movie type love. I know now that is ridiculous at the start lol

 

This thread has been a bit therapeutic for me so thank you all

 

Well, I could never make do with just sex, but I can certainly understand the pursuit

[VeveCakes]

Well, I could never make do with just sex, but I can certainly understand the pursuit

 

not my ideal scenario but my drive is through the roof these days ahah:bunny:

[DK_Casus]

not my ideal scenario but my drive is through the roof these days ahah:bunny:

 

I wish you all the best satisfying that and all other needs

[CobraX]

I am a successful professional myself. Own a beautiful farm, just bought another house (fixer upper). A car/truck. 4 horses I compete. Take care of my appearance. I do not want a man for what he has but for his heart and the physical connection. I have no problem attracting men...just the ones I am attracted to seem to be wrong ones lol

and I love your comment because that is the type I go for. Country boys, trade workers etc.

 

If you live out in the country this should not be a big issue for you. I know 400lb ladies with a beard who have great husbands in the countryside. If you are getting ghosted frequently there is a reason. Maybe you are intimidating?

[VeveCakes]

It is not always ghosting, my ex bf did ghost me, but usually its them saying they dont actually want a relationship when they initially say they did. It's annoying too because I am fine with casual dating and I am not pressuring them to jump into anything!

 

Every single guy I date tells me I am intimidating...so yeah that is probably part of the problem too.

[CobraX]

It is not always ghosting, my ex bf did ghost me, but usually its them saying they dont actually want a relationship when they initially say they did. It's annoying too because I am fine with casual dating and I am not pressuring them to jump into anything!

Every single guy I date tells me I am intimidating...so yeah that is probably part of the problem too.

 

If you don't already you should have a new thread about this issue. There is a chance these guys are looking for something serious, but you don't fit their criteria once they get to know you.

 

Intimidating is generally a way to say "too masculine"

[VeveCakes]

If you don't already you should have a new thread about this issue. There is a chance these guys are looking for something serious, but you don't fit their criteria once they get to know you.

 

Intimidating is generally a way to say "too masculine"

 

LOLLL

 

I am laughing because I am so not masculine physically (AT ALL) but I am definitely more like a a guy personality wise. I kind of thought maybe my independent strong and successful nature might have been the problem for some guys. I have considered a lot of things but I will never know if they just don't ever tell me!

 

I honestly think it is more the guys online in my area. Flaky and emotionally unavailable. But what do I know. Clearly nothing since I'm not having much luck