Gut instinct about her male colleague

[crebel81]

Every now and then, my Superchicken senses kick in.

I agree with the majority of the people here, that something is rotten in the state of Denmark!.

At minimum, there is an Emotional Affair, even if its not sexuall in nature, it does reap of emotion and feelings given by your GF to someone else.

 

 

Hopefully, its just something that she may just be a little ignorant about, or thinks that she is in control. But we know that Drunk people also feel in control, and believe they can make correct decisions.

 

 

So, in a nutshell, tread quietly, and observe everything.

 

 

 

 

Ted

 

Guys and gals, I really do appreciate the input.

 

It really is true about the gut. I sensed something was going on and recently I have been counting the number of condoms in my beside locker and checking to see if any are unaccounted for. Obviously nothing so missing so far but that's not to say they were got elsewhere.

 

As regards the emotional affair, everything I mentioned points to one. I would still be truly shocked if she slept with him but it's a possibility. She told me she has never cheated in her life and never would. Lately she has been cold and it is a conversation we have had. She puts it down to having a baby and being stressed etc which could be the case but as someone already said, there are too many red flags and they all can't just be a coincidence.

 

Unfortunately it's Christmas time and I'll just have to suck it up. I will be observing everything and I don't plan on bringing anything up. At the moment, I don't feel any love for her and feel like I don't even know her.

[Superchicken]

Hold on a minute..

If you don't have any love for her, then, you need to end it now.

Its not fair to both of you, if you continue together.

 

 

Do what some have suggested. Buy the software that undeletes the text messages, and confirm rather than cockup !.

 

 

I hope its not as bad as we think.

 

 

Ted.

[crebel81]

Hold on a minute..

If you don't have any love for her, then, you need to end it now.

Its not fair to both of you, if you continue together.

 

 

Do what some have suggested. Buy the software that undeletes the text messages, and confirm rather than cockup !.

 

 

I hope its not as bad as we think.

 

 

Ted.

 

I might not have explained that properly. I do love her but after all the comments so far, they have confirmed my suspicion and confirmed at the very least that they are having an emotional affair. It angers me.

[lolablue17]

I might not have explained that properly. I do love her but after all the comments so far, they have confirmed my suspicion and confirmed at the very least that they are having an emotional affair. It angers me.

 

Try not to see her as the devil in your mind because maybe she still deserves your love. You want to discover the truth, not to create one.

 

You should take people's advice very carefully. You want to listen, to get ideas, to clarify your thoughts. For example, I think people jumped to the emotional affair too quickly. It's possible of course, but at the same time maybe it's just not the case.

[crebel81]

Try not to see her as the devil in your mind because maybe she still deserves your love. You want to discover the truth, not to create one.

 

You should take people's advice very carefully. You want to listen, to get ideas, to clarify your thoughts. For example, I think people jumped to the emotional affair too quickly. It's possible of course, but at the same time maybe it's just not the case.

 

I hear ya. I have been given her the benefit of the doubt all along but something isn't adding up. I just can't see a genuine or justifiable reason for deleting messages.

[gaius]

I wouldn't even bother with tracking software, snooping through her phone or whatever. I'd just sit her down after Christmas and tell her exactly what you told us. That all this is causing your love for her to take a hit and if she wants to continue the relationship with this guy on any level then she needs to go and do that. Apart from you. That if you even get a whiff of this guy from now on that you're going to move on. Life is too short to spend it with a slob who feels the need to interact with some random married guy on any level while she's with you. Even if you did love her greatly.

 

Also, have a plan for following through with that threat if she decides she can't pull away. There are better women out there. I don't have to worry about any of that stuff because my SO, despite being stunningly beautiful and incredibly charming, nips attention from other men in the butt. The good ones are out there.

[crebel81]

I wouldn't even bother with tracking software, snooping through her phone or whatever. I'd just sit her down after Christmas and tell her exactly what you told us. That all this is causing your love for her to take a hit and if she wants to continue the relationship with this guy on any level then she needs to go and do that. Apart from you. That if you even get a whiff of this guy from now on that you're going to move on. Life is too short to spend it with a slob who feels the need to interact with some random married guy on any level while she's with you. Even if you did love her greatly.

 

Also, have a plan for following through with that threat if she decides she can't pull away. There are better women out there. I don't have to worry about any of that stuff because my SO, despite being stunningly beautiful and incredibly charming, nips attention from other men in the butt. The good ones are out there.

 

Thanks for your advice.

 

When I brought him up recently she mentioned that she would stop contacting him but that vibe I got was that it was more because I wanted her too and not because their relationship was wrong. She does speak about him a lot and a couple of time when I have been in their company I did notice that she had a sparkle in her eye when he made her laugh. It was like some kind of exclusive relationship that the had.

 

Ideally I would like to have this chat before Christmas as its playing on my mind. I have no appetite today.

 

Am I wrong to ask her to stop communicating with him? Some part of me feels this will come up with another guy again. As you said your wife nips it in the bud. It's not something my Gf does.

[doyathinkso]

"I would like to have this chat before Christmas as its playing on my mind."

 

Then do so. Time won't wait for you you know.

[crebel81]

Yes I know that. Thanks for your input.

[BluesPower]

Look I know how much this hurts.

 

Buddy I have been here. But I have some questions and some comments.

 

Why, knowing that she was communicating with this guy, would you ever be ok with the out of town Christmas party? You knew that she was being inappropriate with this guy. She was communicating with another man, married or not, and you thought it was ok for her to go.

 

BTW, she knows that her R and the communication with him is wrong. She has been gas lighting you from the beginning.

 

Some of it I get. You just cannot believe that she is sleeping around on you. You want to believe that she loves you. Sometimes when we are so close to a situation we really cannot see the forest from the trees.

 

On the other hand, you are not a kid and you have had some huge red flags for a long time. Ask yourself, why have I allowed this. And you guys are planning a wedding? You really need to check yourself and figure out why you have not dumped her already.

 

And Lola and everyone else, including OP, I understand that my posts are a little too blunt, but coming to LS months ago really helped me start to realize that I had let myself be taken advantage of in my marriage. It really helped me get my head together.

 

I try to do that for others so that they can start to see reality as well.

 

So to OP I say this. Your fiancé is sleeping around on you. I am about 100% sure that she is. If I am wrong I will be happy to eat crow in public.

 

You basically have 2 choices. You can set her down and tell her you know that she is sleeping around on you and she needs to leave and start her new life with him or whoever she wants, but not with you.

 

If you breakup with her this way, she either confess or lie to you. Whatever she says, you have to stand firm that it is over and ask her to leave or you can move out if you want to do that.

 

Option 2 is to do the detective work and confront her with the evidence that you find. And make no mistake you will find it without a doubt.

 

Either way, I am sorry to say, that if you choose to stay with her you are in for a life of misery.

 

The pain that you feel now, is nothing compared to the pain that you will feel later. What you are going through is one of the most difficult things in your life. And, the sad part is that none of it is your fault. You have been betrayed by the woman that you love.

 

Brother I am so sorry. But know that we will be here for you when you find out the truth and come to realize the depth of her betrayal.

[smackie9]

I think the the discussion should be about her behavior when she is around him, all the selfies, her continually talking about him and that you can SEE that she has feelings for him, because of their closeness. Be a man about it, because just telling her to stop texting him is going to do nothing. You need to be direct with her, so she has no choice but to be honest about it.

[TobyBoy]

If she backed up her phone on your laptop, then your golden! Download drfone and get those deleted texts. You can have your answers today.

 

PS. Never confront without definite proof.

[DKT3]

I might not have explained that properly. I do love her but after all the comments so far, they have confirmed my suspicion and confirmed at the very least that they are having an emotional affair. It angers me.

 

No need to explain, it's understandable, and normal for a long relationship. Sometimes your head over heels in love sometimes your OK and other times where you can barely stand to be around them.

 

Three ways to go about this

 

1) do nothing, which you've been doing so far and run the risk of thier connection growing stronger while she disconnects with you.

 

2) play hardball and tell him what to do. This is controlling and you actually run the risk of pushing her farther into his arms.

 

3) tell her that it's unacceptable and take control of your life. Doesn't matter what she has done or hasn't done, take control. Tell her you will not be apart of any three person relationship and you will remove yourself from the equation.

 

Women understand and respect strong actions. You can do the pick me dance, try to love her back, try to control and dominate her none will work. Simply remove yourself and make her make the decision.

 

It all sucks, but at least control your part.

[CobraX]

When I brought him up recently she mentioned that she would stop contacting him but that vibe I got was that it was more because I wanted her too and not because their relationship was wrong. She does speak about him a lot and a couple of time when I have been in their company I did notice that she had a sparkle in her eye when he made her laugh. It was like some kind of exclusive relationship that the had.

Ideally I would like to have this chat before Christmas as its playing on my mind. I have no appetite today.

Am I wrong to ask her to stop communicating with him? Some part of me feels this will come up with another guy again. As you said your wife nips it in the bud. It's not something my Gf does.

 

I just want to say that there are so many similarities between what you describe and my xwifes affair. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

[crebel81]

Look I know how much this hurts.

 

Buddy I have been here. But I have some questions and some comments.

 

Why, knowing that she was communicating with this guy, would you ever be ok with the out of town Christmas party? You knew that she was being inappropriate with this guy. She was communicating with another man, married or not, and you thought it was ok for her to go.

 

BTW, she knows that her R and the communication with him is wrong. She has been gas lighting you from the beginning.

 

Some of it I get. You just cannot believe that she is sleeping around on you. You want to believe that she loves you. Sometimes when we are so close to a situation we really cannot see the forest from the trees.

 

On the other hand, you are not a kid and you have had some huge red flags for a long time. Ask yourself, why have I allowed this. And you guys are planning a wedding? You really need to check yourself and figure out why you have not dumped her already.

 

And Lola and everyone else, including OP, I understand that my posts are a little too blunt, but coming to LS months ago really helped me start to realize that I had let myself be taken advantage of in my marriage. It really helped me get my head together.

 

I try to do that for others so that they can start to see reality as well.

 

So to OP I say this. Your fiancé is sleeping around on you. I am about 100% sure that she is. If I am wrong I will be happy to eat crow in public.

 

You basically have 2 choices. You can set her down and tell her you know that she is sleeping around on you and she needs to leave and start her new life with him or whoever she wants, but not with you.

 

If you breakup with her this way, she either confess or lie to you. Whatever she says, you have to stand firm that it is over and ask her to leave or you can move out if you want to do that.

 

Option 2 is to do the detective work and confront her with the evidence that you find. And make no mistake you will find it without a doubt.

 

Either way, I am sorry to say, that if you choose to stay with her you are in for a life of misery.

 

The pain that you feel now, is nothing compared to the pain that you will feel later. What you are going through is one of the most difficult things in your life. And, the sad part is that none of it is your fault. You have been betrayed by the woman that you love.

 

Brother I am so sorry. But know that we will be here for you when you find out the truth and come to realize the depth of her betrayal.

 

Man you have scared me. If or when I find out, there is no going back.

[crebel81]

I think the the discussion should be about her behavior when she is around him, all the selfies, her continually talking about him and that you can SEE that she has feelings for him, because of their closeness. Be a man about it, because just telling her to stop texting him is going to do nothing. You need to be direct with her, so she has no choice but to be honest about it.

 

Thanks Smackie. I'm hoping to bring it up tonight. I want to catch her out on the deleted texts at least. Plus I know her body language. If she is lying she might show it.

 

I hear you on being a man about it. I won't bitch or whine.

[crebel81]

I just want to say that there are so many similarities between what you describe and my xwifes affair. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

 

Did you ever think your ex wife was capable of an affair?

[salparadise]

I agree with what BluesPower said. Deleted texts, plus going away overnight with him... my guess is that it was their hotel room they went to, and that nobody else was there at all.

 

Don't blow this thing up until you have proof. You don't want to be hanging in limbo trying to decide if she lying or not, and if you tip your hand they'll make it very hard to gather any more evidence.

[crebel81]

Look I know how much this hurts.

 

Buddy I have been here. But I have some questions and some comments.

 

Why, knowing that she was communicating with this guy, would you ever be ok with the out of town Christmas party? You knew that she was being inappropriate with this guy. She was communicating with another man, married or not, and you thought it was ok for her to go.

 

BTW, she knows that her R and the communication with him is wrong. She has been gas lighting you from the beginning.

 

Some of it I get. You just cannot believe that she is sleeping around on you. You want to believe that she loves you. Sometimes when we are so close to a situation we really cannot see the forest from the trees.

 

On the other hand, you are not a kid and you have had some huge red flags for a long time. Ask yourself, why have I allowed this. And you guys are planning a wedding? You really need to check yourself and figure out why you have not dumped her already.

 

And Lola and everyone else, including OP, I understand that my posts are a little too blunt, but coming to LS months ago really helped me start to realize that I had let myself be taken advantage of in my marriage. It really helped me get my head together.

 

I try to do that for others so that they can start to see reality as well.

 

So to OP I say this. Your fiancé is sleeping around on you. I am about 100% sure that she is. If I am wrong I will be happy to eat crow in public.

 

You basically have 2 choices. You can set her down and tell her you know that she is sleeping around on you and she needs to leave and start her new life with him or whoever she wants, but not with you.

 

If you breakup with her this way, she either confess or lie to you. Whatever she says, you have to stand firm that it is over and ask her to leave or you can move out if you want to do that.

 

Option 2 is to do the detective work and confront her with the evidence that you find. And make no mistake you will find it without a doubt.

 

Either way, I am sorry to say, that if you choose to stay with her you are in for a life of misery.

 

The pain that you feel now, is nothing compared to the pain that you will feel later. What you are going through is one of the most difficult things in your life. And, the sad part is that none of it is your fault. You have been betrayed by the woman that you love.

 

Brother I am so sorry. But know that we will be here for you when you find out the truth and come to realize the depth of her betrayal.

 

I didn't even know this guy was going to the party. He has been out of the job for the past year due to an injury.

[CobraX]

Did you ever think your ex wife was capable of an affair?

 

No. I trusted her 100%. She would always tell me how she would never do that and frequently commented disparagingly about people who did do that sort of thing.

 

It was a coworker for her too. The deleted texts. Taking him to work Christmas Parties without me... The way she keeps bringing him into your conversations because she is thinking about him... The way you describe them interacting together... ect.

[crebel81]

No. I trusted her 100%. She would always tell me how she would never do that and frequently commented disparagingly about people who did do that sort of thing.

 

It was a coworker for her too. The deleted texts. Taking him to work Christmas Parties without me... The way she keeps bringing him into your conversations because she is thinking about him... The way you describe them interacting together... ect.

 

Sorry to hear that.

 

I have been through a painful breakup before I met my current Gf. I'm not sure I have the strength to deal with another one.

 

Did you ever pass comment to her about their relationship? How did you find out if you don't mind me asking?

[lolablue17]

How, what and when ever you decide to talk to her about it, if after the conversation you decide to stay, NEVER ask her to stop contacting him. She must offer it herself and be totally commited to her statements.

 

If you ask her, you're being weak, controlling, insecure, whatever in her eyes. You just transmit your concerns and feelings, and she must reach out to you. If she doesn't initiate it herself, well, this is a huge red flag, even a deal breaker.

[crebel81]

How, what and when ever you decide to talk to her about it, if after the conversation you decide to stay, NEVER ask her to stop contacting him. She must offer it herself and be totally commited to her statements.

 

If you ask her, you're being weak, controlling, insecure, whatever in her eyes. You just transmit your concerns and feelings, and she must reach out to you. If she doesn't initiate it herself, well, this is a huge red flag, even a deal breaker.

 

She offered this recently but she put it to me as a question...she said "I can stop contacting him if you like" as she cares about my feelings??? Ha

 

I know, I don't want to come across like that and I know women don't dig it at all. I'll be pushing her further away!

[lolablue17]

She offered this recently but she put it to me as a question...she said "I can stop contacting him if you like" as she cares about my feelings??? Ha

 

I know, I don't want to come across like that and I know women don't dig it at all. I'll be pushing her further away!

 

The answer to "I can stop contacting him if you like" should be "You do what ever you like, while knowing what it does to our R, just let me know what is your decision about it, ".

Edited December 22, 2016 by lolablue17

[Space Ritual]

Am I wrong to ask her to stop communicating with him? Some part of me feels this will come up with another guy again. As you said your wife nips it in the bud. It's not something my Gf does.

 

 

You realize that you are setting yourself up for failure do you not?

 

Look, I get you wanting to gather everyone's advice and while that is good, you should understand that as opposed to thanking everyone for their post and then asking basically the same question over and over you are doing yourself a disservice. Simply put, you are delaying the inevitable.

 

You have spent the balance now of Five pages hoping somebody is going to come along and tell you that this is all a misunderstanding and that you have it all wrong and there is nothing going on...

 

I get that, we all get that. Dealing with this shyte is mind numbing. Especially when your Fiance KNOWS this is bothering you yet doing nothing but paying you some sort of lipservice to you in hopes that you will just shut up about it because it's the holidays and you are ruining the spirit of the season.

 

That is what the hell is going on OP.

 

We can only basically tell you the same thing so many times. Five pages worth of literally a broken record of us pleading with you to allow the scales to fall from your eyes and ACT.

 

Again, many of us have been where you are right now. We also know that nothing changed until there was an action in order to bring about some form of resolution.

 

She has little to no respect for you as it is. Attempting to either nice her back or to rug sweep this is gong to destroy any chance you have of saving this relationship.

 

I'll step away from this thread because the frustration level I feel for you reminds me some of when I didn't know what was wrong in my relationship and I was totally oblivious until it slapped me in the face. I don't want you to get slapped in the face by what you will further discover, but I think you are at a point where you are looking or one of us to sprinkle some sort of fairy dust on you and tell you this is all a bad dream.

 

I wish you the best of luck. In closing I will one more time appeal to you to make a choice. You can either let it go, do something about it, or nice her back and act like it never happened...but all three are a choice.

 

But a choice you are going to need to make, and soon. Because if you don't make a choice, she is going to make one for you.