Gut instinct about her male colleague

[crebel81]

Yeah...She is cheating...

 

Defiantly an emotional affair, with out a doubt.

 

The night of the out of town Xmas party she sleep with him. Probably had unprotected sex so she wants to have sex with you when she got home just in case she is pregnant.

 

Or, she felt guilty for screwing him and she wanted to reconnect.

 

The texts were deleted from her phone because they were inappropriate.

 

Want to know for sure, get the recovery software for her phone and recover the texts.

 

You need to think about dumping her. Chances are they have been screwing for a while.

 

Who want to bet this is how it turns out?

 

Appreciate your response man. I honestly don't believe she went this far, that's just my gut on it. If she did, and this I may never know, I will close the door on her and the relationship.

[crebel81]

You get married you will regret it..

 

I am telling you RIGHT NOW that it is not this guy that is the problem, for it could be ANY guy.

 

The guy is not engaged to you, she however is.

 

The problem is your fiance.

 

With your replies about her pushing the wedding it is even more imperative that you get your ducks in a row.

 

Engagement, like a Long Term Relationship is an application and entrance exam for a life together...and I mean life.

 

She is failing this exam. Think very carefully if you want to find out in Five or 10 years that there has been more than one guy or she has been banging him the entire time.

 

Dude, No guy expends that amount of energy being familiar with an engaged woman unless he s getting something out of it. In light of your replies and follow ups I would bet the farm they are having a long term physical affair.

 

You better get your kid DNA tested. I wouldn't trust this woman as far as I can throw her.

 

DO

NOT

GET

MARRIED!!!!!

 

Thanks for your input.

 

Firstly, I believe my child is mine. He is a miniature version of me and I don't think he is anybody else's.

 

I used to trust her but all these little things were always niggling in the background and have now come to the fore.

 

This guy is married by the way and expecting a second baby with his wife after s couple if years of failed attempts.

[LexiCat29]

Thanks for your input.

 

Firstly, I believe my child is mine. He is a miniature version of me and I don't think he is anybody else's.

 

I used to trust her but all these little things were always niggling in the background and have now come to the fore.

 

This guy is married by the way and expecting a second baby with his wife after s couple if years of failed attempts.

 

The bolded makes me really sad.

 

The best and most important advice you've received here so far is LISTEN TO YOUR GUT.

 

Don't confront her until you have hard evidence..Dr. Phone actually does work. You also might want to put a voice activated recorder in her car.

 

Unfortunately, from what you've posted here it does sound like something is going on. I'm so sorry.

[crebel81]

Extreme, yes it is. But like a cancer, I prefer to cut it out as soon as it is diagnosed rather than risk it metastasized. Just remember that in situations like this OP would be at a decided disadvantage, for he is not sure exactly what he knows...she, on the other hand, knows all and would probably only admit to what she thought he knew. Cheaters usually will only admit to what they think can initially minimize the damage to them that they themselves caused.

 

That's why "We never had sex" quickly turns into "We only had sex 3 times" to "Well we have been having sex for a few years".

 

Trickle Truth like OP would probably be getting if he just simply inquired

 

As I have stated to you before, you are much more tolerant than I am.

 

I just had such a bad experience with infidelity that I would never hesitate to toss anyone out on their arse regardless of how I felt about them. I could love them with all my heart, but now if faced with a fraction of the circumstantial evidence OP has discovered were floated in front of me that person would be gone from my life without a second thought.

 

I ignored all the signs that were staring me in the face and paid dearly for it, much to my chagrin.

 

What happened to me truly colors the Lion's share of my advice I dispense when people are faced with infidelity. Many people bristle at me being so absolutist on this and other forums, but I feel a soft response leaves the victim even more exposed to heartache and worse if they don't draw a line in the sand.

 

I just refuse to allow somebody to try to gaslight me anymore. I learned the hard way that I needed to be prepared to walk away at the first sign of trouble. Had I done that years ago my life would be very different than it is today.

 

Sorry to hear of your bad experience.

 

If we didn't have a child I have a feeling I would put the wedding off right away. Very confused after all the responses. Didn't expect such blunt responses but I appreciate them all the same.

 

What to do? I don't have a clue. As a poster said, I don't have any hard evidence. To top it off, she does indeed work in the line of duty and can handle herself very well in an argument and it can be difficult to get a point across at times

[TobyBoy]

Dr fone! Like you were told. You'll get your answers.

[umirano]

Is this really doable ? I researched this and couldn't find any info without jail breaking a phone. Can you forward me some Intel please

 

It depends on the phone and version and on how it's set up. But most people neglect their phone's security. I also assumed that he has access to the unlocked phone in my post, as per the thread starter's opening post.

 

Google mobile phone forensics.

[BluesPower]

Everyone told you what to do...

 

You get the Dr.Fone software, not really that expensive 139.00 for every part of the tool kit. Google it.

 

If she has an I phone that is. Same type of software for android as well.

 

It is not hard to use.

 

Recovering the texts on her phone is the first and fastest step.

 

I look, I am sorry, but she is sleeping with the guy, you kind of need to deal with that. The sooner the better.

 

There is a lot more you can do but if the first step works it will tell you all you need to know.

 

Do not confront her without proof, she has already been lying to you for a long time.

 

 

Good luck...

[crebel81]

Everyone told you what to do...

 

You get the Dr.Fone software, not really that expensive 139.00 for every part of the tool kit. Google it.

 

If she has an I phone that is. Same type of software for android as well.

 

It is not hard to use.

 

Recovering the texts on her phone is the first and fastest step.

 

I look, I am sorry, but she is sleeping with the guy, you kind of need to deal with that. The sooner the better.

 

There is a lot more you can do but if the first step works it will tell you all you need to know.

 

Do not confront her without proof, she has already been lying to you for a long time.

 

 

Good luck...

 

Hmm OK. I will check it out for sure. I know it's immoral and I don't like doing it but how about checking her phone before getting any kind of software. I will say that she isn't protective of her phone one bit if that makes any difference. How you can you be sure she is physically cheating with him? She doesn't get a lot of alone time to be fair as we have a baby

[lolablue17]

Trickle Truth like OP would probably be getting if he just simply inquired

 

As I have stated to you before, you are much more tolerant than I am.

 

I'm not sure I'm so tolerant. If I were engaged I wouldn't tolerate lies of any kind. I would not have to have evidence, or proof for cheating. The lies would have been enough for me to leave.

 

The only problem with your solution is that it fits only to the scenario in which she's doing something very bad, and you don't believe in any other scenario. Your solution is 100% ending\damaging the relationship. Your solution is great for cancer. If so, why bother confronting her? He can just end it. He doesn't need her confirmation.

 

But there is a chance that it's not cancer. Maybe she's innocent and just took a wrong decision only once (the lie about the 3 hours drive). She lied at least once, and he can easily find out if she's lying again (By asking her if she deletes messages). If she can look at him in the eyes and swear she has never deleted their texts, (while he knows she has) Than it a proof that she's a liar, who will always lie. In that case why should he try to get proofs for cheating? It's irrelevant.

[BluesPower]

Look I could be wrong, but so far I have not been, sorry.

 

It is the overnight trip for sure. Too much opportunity, to convenient.

 

I could just go on and on. And later if we need to I will.

 

She is not protective of her because she deletes all his texts, big red flag. The probably have an understanding that no one texts after her shift, because she is at home.

 

She wanted to have sex and even initiated when she got home from the trip for the two reasons that I already stated. Almost all women do this to ease the guilt and try to reconnect with the husband.

 

And here is the other deal. You are fixing to get married. You have ever right to go through her phone, no matter what anyone here or anywhere else has to say. So just blow those people off. Do you have anything on your phone that you don't want her to see?

 

Here is what you are going to find:

 

1) That they have been texting way more than you imagined.

 

2) For sure that the slept together on the trip.

 

3) How long they have been sleeping together.

 

If you don't find anything maybe you are in the clear. But you are really not. There are a ton more things to do to be sure, this is just the first step.

[crebel81]

I'm not sure I'm so tolerant. If I were engaged I wouldn't tolerate lies of any kind. I would not have to have evidence, or proof for cheating. The lies would have been enough for me to leave.

 

The only problem with your solution is that it fits only to the scenario in which she's doing something very bad, and you don't believe in any other scenario. Your solution is 100% ending\damaging the relationship. Your solution is great for cancer. If so, why bother confronting her? He can just end it. He doesn't need her confirmation.

 

But there is a chance that it's not cancer. Maybe she's innocent and just took a wrong decision only once (the lie about the 3 hours drive). She lied at least once, and he can easily find out if she's lying again (By asking her if she deletes messages). If she can look at him in the eyes and swear she has never deleted their texts, (while he knows she has) Than it a proof that she's a liar, who will always lie. In that case why should he try to get proofs for cheating? It's irrelevant.

 

Thanks for your response.

 

Just to clear one thing up, she lied about the drive by omission. She never said she didn't drive with him, it's just being a couple I thought she would have mentioned it before driving half way up the country. She told me the day after that he got a lift from her. im sure if I picked up my female colleague without mentioning it to her it would raise suspicion.

[MrBojangles]

Yeah...She is cheating...

 

Defiantly an emotional affair, with out a doubt.

 

The night of the out of town Xmas party she sleep with him. Probably had unprotected sex so she wants to have sex with you when she got home just in case she is pregnant.

 

Or, she felt guilty for screwing him and she wanted to reconnect.

 

The texts were deleted from her phone because they were inappropriate.

 

Want to know for sure, get the recovery software for her phone and recover the texts.

 

You need to think about dumping her. Chances are they have been screwing for a while.

 

Who want to bet this is how it turns out?

 

BluesPower, I used to roll my eyes when I read your posts like this. But, you've definitely earned my respect because of your accurate calls on threads like this one.

 

OP, sadly I must agree with BluesPower in this case. There are just too many Red Flags to ignore in what you've written. One thing that I've learned about cheaters in my life time, is that they can't keep their big mouths shut (among other things)... and feel the need sometimes to talk about their affair partners in some way, even to their betrayed partners!

[lolablue17]

Thanks for your response.

 

Just to clear one thing up, she lied about the drive by omission. She never said she didn't drive with him, it's just being a couple I thought she would have mentioned it before driving half way up the country. She told me the day after that he got a lift from her. im sure if I picked up my female colleague without mentioning it to her it would raise suspicion.

 

I know, but for me, omission is kind of a lie, especially it was a deliberate omission. I agree that it's not the worst lie in the book, but she also forgot to tell you about the deleted texts. Another omission... If you ask her, you can immediately know if it's only omission or will turn into a lie.

[crebel81]

I know because of the line of work she is in I.e. police force, bonds are formed as you are working with your colleagues for 10 hour periods and obviously you have to talk about something.

 

If I see an opportunity, I am going to grab her phone and take a look. I'll then decide my next course of action if any. But I will definitely focus on getting an answer from her about the deleted text messages.

 

I think I know it's wrong, but you folks, is it acceptable for a bunch of colleagues to carry on drinking back at one of the hotel rooms? Mostly males in attendance. What's going through my head is they were obviously all drunk. Where did they sit/lie? On the bed obviously. She said she drank tea when they got back there. Numerous thoughts. I know for a fact she will say I am overreacting

[CommittedToThis]

Many people bristle at me being so absolutist on this and other forums

 

For what it's worth, I agree with you.

 

I was never much of a snoop (I snooped ex's email a few times early on with good reason, I busted her, then I stopped because it made me feel like crap) but these days if my gut says something's off-kilter, I'm walking. No snooping, no worrying, just heading to a bar to congratulate myself for not being a co-dependent doormat.

 

I might even get a phone number, who knows.

 

But, yeah, zero tolerance here. I've re-played every scenario my ex put me thru and re-imagined myself responding as I should have: throwing her to the curb.

[crebel81]

For what it's worth, I agree with you.

 

I was never much of a snoop (I snooped ex's email a few times early on with good reason, I busted her, then I stopped because it made me feel like crap) but these days if my gut says something's off-kilter, I'm walking. No snooping, no worrying, just heading to a bar to congratulate myself for not being a co-dependent doormat.

 

I might even get a phone number, who knows.

 

But, yeah, zero tolerance here. I've re-played every scenario my ex put me thru and re-imagined myself responding as I should have: throwing her to the curb.

 

Zero tolerance is my preferred policy but I have no concrete evidence that anything happened. Everything I have said points towards something being hidden yes...

[Space Ritual]

I know because of the line of work she is in I.e. police force, bonds are formed as you are working with your colleagues for 10 hour periods and obviously you have to talk about something.

 

Being in Law enforcement or corrections virtually guarantees a short shelf life on romantic relationships they have with civilians.

 

When I was doing my stretch literally Ninety percent of the corrections officers assigned to my prison were having affairs with each other or other inmates while they had families at home.. And you are right, the long hours and the daily proximity to each other and that whole fraternity/sorority of L.E.O. with the commonality of experiences stuff when working is fertile ground for affairs.

 

You'll never be able to compete with it.

 

I'm really sorry. I doubt there is going to be any resolution other than to break up and be a co parent. If it is not this guy, there will be another cop that comes along and it will be lather, rinse, repeat.

 

Get out now while you still can

[kgcolonel]

crebel81....here's a thought...she knew you wouldn't be comfortable with the driving arrangements nor the hotel incident so how did she handle that? She lied or omitted the truth (which only you can decide whether or not that is lying). But think about this...if she'll lie to you now while planning your wedding, when would she not lie. Even if there is nothing going on, (not likely) she chose not to be upfront and truthful with you on this. This is a pattern...you know that they are texting and yet you find no messages on her phone???? Really?

 

Even if there is no infidelity here, there is great deceit...is this what you want in a wife? It's an easy question.

[crebel81]

Being in Law enforcement or corrections virtually guarantees a short shelf life on romantic relationships they have with civilians.

 

When I was doing my stretch literally Ninety percent of the corrections officers assigned to my prison were having affairs with each other or other inmates while they had families at home.. And you are right, the long hours and the daily proximity to each other and that whole fraternity/sorority of L.E.O. with the commonality of experiences stuff when working is fertile ground for affairs.

 

You'll never be able to compete with it.

 

I'm really sorry. I doubt there is going to be any resolution other than to break up and be a co parent. If it is not this guy, there will be another cop that comes along and it will be lather, rinse, repeat.

 

Get out now while you still can

 

Yes I have heard that it is quite common and the reasons behind it make sense. She has never said it but I do think she likes all the male attention at work. In that case, what am I, a babysitter?!

[crebel81]

crebel81....here's a thought...she knew you wouldn't be comfortable with the driving arrangements nor the hotel incident so how did she handle that? She lied or omitted the truth (which only you can decide whether or not that is lying). But think about this...if she'll lie to you now while planning your wedding, when would she not lie. Even if there is nothing going on, (not likely) she chose not to be upfront and truthful with you on this. This is a pattern...you know that they are texting and yet you find no messages on her phone???? Really?

 

Even if there is no infidelity here, there is great deceit...is this what you want in a wife? It's an easy question.

 

Absolutely not what I am looking for in a wife.

 

Am I right in thinking hanging out in a male colleagues hotel room is going beyond the acceptable boundaries of a normal relationship and is inappropriate? I see it as disrespectful in a way...none of my 30 something friends hang out in other chicks hotel rooms, irregardless of whether it is innocent or not.

[frus69]

Absolutely not what I am looking for in a wife.

 

Am I right in thinking hanging out in a male colleagues hotel room is going beyond the acceptable boundaries of a normal relationship and is inappropriate? I see it as disrespectful in a way...none of my 30 something friends hang out in other chicks hotel rooms, irregardless of whether it is innocent or not.

 

If this is making you uncomfortable, she should stop, stop being too close to him. Because you are her priority, not her male college. If the whole thing is innocent and she doesn't have any attachment to him then there is no reason she can't stop.

 

 

Don't even worry about cheating, if she doesn't put you as a priority, it is a deal breaker already.

[BluesPower]

OP do not confront her at all about anything until you have proof.

 

She will lie like she has been doing already.

 

If you let her know that you are on to her she will take it underground and keep it up.

 

Do the phone software thing and look at the deleted texts. That will tell the tale.

 

I am sorry for what you are going to find out though. Way to many read flags for her not to be sleeping with him. Not that is matters but this happens all the time in the police forces.

 

Do the phone software and that will show you what you need to know to dump her.

[Try]

About 6 months into our relationship she told me that he wanted to take me out for a drink to tell me how lucky I am to have her. The thing is he was serious. I can list a number of things which made me uncomfortable but the most concerning thing to me was that my gf had no issue with it. She didn’t see it as him overstepping any boundaries.

This is him telling her that he thinks that she is so special that any man would be lucky to have her; i.e. he is letting her know that he is crazy about her. This is also him protecting her against you, where they are the "us" and you are the outsider that he needs to set straight.

 

Her colleague was going through a stressful time with work and he confided in her about his marriage etc and any problems they were having.

This is him telling her that he is not happy with his marriage, which is a standard thing that a cheater establishes with his affair target. The classic "my wife does not understand me like you do".

 

I had a look through her phone. I could see two different numbers stored in her phone for the guy above…There was only one message received from each number (from what I recall) even though I know they text regularly enough. She obviously deleted all the texts. I checked her other contacts (wrong I know) and no messages were deleted from them.

One number is his main cell number and the other may be his burner phone that his wife does not know about. The deleting of messages only between them is a clear confirmation that she does not want you to know the true nature of their relationship. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. To help you better understand what is normal, I have been married for decades, and have never found the need to delete messages with other women to hide them from my wife, and have also never seen my wife do this with other men.

 

Fast forward a couple of weeks and they have a xmas night out in a different part of the country. She told me she was driving up herself as she wanted to leave early the next morning and didn’t want to be waiting on her colleagues following a night of drink. So she came home the next day

She tells me that she had collected her work colleague, the guy I have been on about all along, and they drove up to the city where the xmas night out was being held. It’s a 3 hour drive. She also dropped him home the next day.

What you just said is that she secretly left (she told him but not you so it was a secret) with the other man (OM) for a night of partying, spent many hours alone with the OM, and did not come home until the next day; BTW, when and where did they sleep? She also told you that she was "driving up herself" and not the truth that she was diving up with the OM, a deliberate lie by omission that is in keeping with her deleting their messages. If they are physically cheating, this is exactly the type of thing that cheaters do to facilitate their cheating.

 

If you Google "emotional affair" (EA) you will see that her relationship with the OM is at least a textbook EA, and that is if you give her the benifit of the doubt that they have not been physically intimate with each other in any way. Looking at the overnight trip together, how could you not suspect that it is probably physical? If you are waiting for her to admit it, or for a photo of them having sex, that is not likely to ever happen as studies show that most affair go completely undetected, with only 3% ever being caught in the act, and only 7% ever admitting it (that includes the 3% caught in the act). It is really amazing how cheaters can be caught lying and sneaking around, and still expect you to deny common sense and your gut and instead trust them at their word.

Edited December 22, 2016 by Try

[CobraX]

Absolutely not what I am looking for in a wife.

Am I right in thinking hanging out in a male colleagues hotel room is going beyond the acceptable boundaries of a normal relationship and is inappropriate? I see it as disrespectful in a way...none of my 30 something friends hang out in other chicks hotel rooms, irregardless of whether it is innocent or not.

 

Have you tried reaching out to this guys wife on Facebook?

 

Honestly if you are getting a weird feeling I bet she is too. Maybe she can checks his two phones and see if the messages are deleted.

 

Also... look at the volume and time they texts. That's how I caught my xwife... 20 texts a day on average going up to 200... and often late at night

[Superchicken]

Every now and then, my Superchicken senses kick in.

I agree with the majority of the people here, that something is rotten in the state of Denmark!.

At minimum, there is an Emotional Affair, even if its not sexuall in nature, it does reap of emotion and feelings given by your GF to someone else.

 

 

Hopefully, its just something that she may just be a little ignorant about, or thinks that she is in control. But we know that Drunk people also feel in control, and believe they can make correct decisions.

 

 

So, in a nutshell, tread quietly, and observe everything.

 

 

 

 

Ted