I need your thoughts on this... [UPDATE: Breakdown triggered at 7-Eleven]

[marky00]

Hi LitTunnel, I think the problem is that you're changing and becoming a better person for her, and not for yourself.

 

I disagree.

 

 

OP, our stories are very similar, although in my case I do think I handled the post BU well (but I was biting my tongue for a year or so).

 

 

It's normal to somewhat turn into the person your Ex wanted. This happens all the time and it happens to the dumper as well. It's like both people change the bits about themselves that they know assisted in the demise of the relationship.

 

 

I do still feel a bit like you and it's been almost 2 years although my relationship was 9 years on and off.

 

 

In my case, I only got WEAK coz my dog got sick and I couldn't face putting him to death. I know now I should have but it's too late for that.

 

 

It definitely sucks when you show a woman you love your weak side. I was strong and happy for like 7 years and then just got weak and depressed because of my dog and BOOM, she was gone.

 

 

But the longer you stay NC, you do start to get your dignity back. You feel better about yourself and they start to forget about how you were WEAK.

 

 

Like me, you think about her because she is in essence what keeps you hanging on to how you behaved. If she never existed and wasn't the mirror she was, you probably wouldn't even care that you were behaving in a certain way.

 

 

What you need to do is continue to forgive yourself for your behaviour, totally independent of her. You will start to realise they are 2 separate things. Deal with the one you can control. Then you will start to feel better about the other.

[LitTunnel]

I disagree.

 

 

OP, our stories are very similar, although in my case I do think I handled the post BU well (but I was biting my tongue for a year or so).

 

 

It's normal to somewhat turn into the person your Ex wanted. This happens all the time and it happens to the dumper as well. It's like both people change the bits about themselves that they know assisted in the demise of the relationship.

 

 

I do still feel a bit like you and it's been almost 2 years although my relationship was 9 years on and off.

 

 

In my case, I only got WEAK coz my dog got sick and I couldn't face putting him to death. I know now I should have but it's too late for that.

 

 

It definitely sucks when you show a woman you love your weak side. I was strong and happy for like 7 years and then just got weak and depressed because of my dog and BOOM, she was gone.

 

 

But the longer you stay NC, you do start to get your dignity back. You feel better about yourself and they start to forget about how you were WEAK.

 

 

Like me, you think about her because she is in essence what keeps you hanging on to how you behaved. If she never existed and wasn't the mirror she was, you probably wouldn't even care that you were behaving in a certain way.

 

 

What you need to do is continue to forgive yourself for your behaviour, totally independent of her. You will start to realise they are 2 separate things. Deal with the one you can control. Then you will start to feel better about the other.

 

Thank you marky00. I really need some encouragement right about now my man. I'm seriously struggling. But you enlightened me. I cried on my way home today because I was sad for myself and of course I missed her and the thought of her not in my life just hurt deep. But today I finally, after many months of blaming either God or Universe for my troubles and not helping me through this I actually forgave them and took full responsibility for my own actions. It sorta made me feel better. I also forgave myself too but I still feel like crapp. Here's to a better tomorrow:)

[Sweetfish]

Thank you marky00. I really need some encouragement right about now my man. I'm seriously struggling. But you enlightened me. I cried on my way home today because I was sad for myself and of course I missed her and the thought of her not in my life just hurt deep. But today I finally, after many months of blaming either God or Universe for my troubles and not helping me through this I actually forgave them and took full responsibility for my own actions. It sorta made me feel better. I also forgave myself too but I still feel like crapp. Here's to a better tomorrow:)

 

 

You say your actions, but you say she cheated? So its your fault that she cheated?

[LitTunnel]

You say your actions, but you say she cheated? So its your fault that she cheated?

 

No, the cheating part she is 100% wrong. What I was referring to was me taking her for granted, not giving her the attention she was desiring, me chasing her, begging and pleading making myself look like a total crazy person. This is the part that's killing me. Even if I knew we were to break up eventually due to incompatibility issues had I left with dignity I wouldn't be in this mess. But what's done is done. I can't change anything obviously. I just pray that I can get through this and eventually meet my future love.

[Logo]

So I walk in to a 7-Eleven tonight, minding my own business, truthfully, just wasting time. I had just finished a long drive across town through nightmarish, rainy LA traffic so I needed an excuse to finally take a break. I walk in and the place is surprisingly empty, so I casually stroll around, no pressure.

 

I proceeded to check my few lotto tickets to see if I won, no dice. Scan around to see what goodies to buy, undecided. I walk over to the hot-dog area, not hungry, again, just wasting time. Bored clerk walks behind the hot-dog cooker and slides open the door and proceeds to put on his plastic glove in one hand and snatches the tongues in the other and waits for me. Feeling pressured I start looking and thinking which one of the 3 hot dogs to pick, spicy, jumbo or regular,

 

when suddenly,

 

my ears focus their attention on the speaker above which started playing my ex's favorite band and song;

 

Fleetwood Mac, (forgot the name of the song but man was it sad and so perfect for the moment)

 

And in just those couple seconds, I suddenly felt it...

 

my heart imploded in overwhelming grief. The moment hit me like a freight train. I couldn't believe it. I quickly realized a breakdown was commencing. "OMG!"

 

I PANIC!

 

The clerk is still waiting on me.

 

But now I'm looking at him stone-faced.

 

He senses something is off, I can see it in his eyes.

 

But I can't hold it in.

 

MUST GO!

 

I tell the man in a panicked voice and backwards walk, "I have to go. I'll be back! I'll be back!"

 

YA RIGHT!

 

Woosh, I'm out that mofo and sprint straight to my car.

 

I hop in, threw it in reverse, then drive and gunned it out that driveway in a mad dash. I zipped quickly down the street scanning for a place to park. Hopefully it's dark and secluded because I knew what was coming. I find a perfect spot and screech right in. Throw it in park and with the car in idle I bury my face in my open palms,

 

Niagara falls...

 

Daaaaam, just like that, out of nowhere.

 

The song was still playing in my head in a loop as I balled and heaved. Like I said the song couldn't have been more perfect. Tears and snot all over my face, meanwhile feeling my ex, picturing her, the distance of her, the smell of her, the touch of her, the realization of her missing from my life and that I would perhaps never, ever see or hear from her ever again.

 

All I could think was how it all ended and the dumb mistakes I made pre and post breakup. Not like I haven't done this a million times before, only this time, this was different. This hit me deep. Real deep. The deepest part of my heart. Eerily I also felt almost as-if it was my destiny for this breakup to have happened and I was the poor sap chosen as sacrifice of the two, perhaps to serve me a great purpose down the line, who knows, but for now, hell no.

 

As my tears poured down my face, in disbelief, shaking my head no thoughts were racing. It's like I still didn't want to let go of her but deep down I knew it was over.

 

I'm still in denial.

 

I was so crushed I wanted to die, right there and then. I even spoke those words to God.

 

I couldn't believe it. Never in my wildest dreams I imagined I would ever be this heart broken over a woman, a toxic one at that. How did it ever come to this?

 

The way tonight played out was seriously like a scene straight from a movie man, only a nightmare because I also realized I was still so dam emotionally attached to this woman and I can't get out.

 

Now I'm home and it's been a few hours. I've obviously calmed down but wow, just wow. I'm still just so in shock. It was surreal.

 

8 months BU, 6 months NC. It has gotten better but this setback really got me good guys. I'm so embarrassed but I had to share this.

 

 

I totally understand the feeling and can relate. It's not an easy feeling for sure. It's amazing how love and loss can have such an impact on a person.

 

By the way, I just wanted to let you know that you write really well; I felt like I was there with you.

[NopeNah]

Hope you're feeling a bit better.. Here's my take: You were insecure from the start. Your financial position had you questioning your self-worth. She showed you some attention and was 'ok' with your position in life at the moment but,was always looking for better. You became a 'placeholder/warm body'..you also became complacent in bettering yourself,for yourself. Had you spent these past few months working on you,for you(not her), you'd be ahead of the game. I'm not saying this to 'dog you' or anything..Just the way I see it. I was the same way in my past. I got personal and relationship lazy..the relationship part happens over time but, I've learned you should never get lazy on yourself! Take care!

[LitTunnel]

This thread might be controversial but I've been feeling this for quit some time and wanted to express it to you guys even though it might possibly cause a lot of backlash, so here goes...

 

I originally broke it off with my ex. Soon after I back peddled like a weakling only to be totally denied. No surprise there, I was an A-hole. I won't go into details as I'm sure many of you already know of my situation. But pretty much I begged, pleaded and pretty much made an absolute fool of myself because I didn't know like I do now NOT to do those things without expecting serious repercussions. Needless to say I chased my ex far far away to a distant land and now wants nothing to do with me. Even after all these many months I still sense she literally hates me for how I broke things off, how I neglected her and hurt her feelings during the relationship. Not that she was an Angel herself because she certainly wasn't, but I digress.

 

The problem I have with the many of you (I've found myself to say the same things at times too but I've caught myself recently) is that when posters who had recently broken up with their exes or have been recently contacted by their exes come to LS to vent their concerns/advice in almost every case the immediate response from the vast majority of LS members is "ignore, don't respond, block, delete, wipe them from the face of the earth, they'll never change."

 

On the face of it, yes, it's solid advice and makes perfect sense to prevent the hurt party from further trauma but where I'm having trouble with is this. Take my situation for example. Yes, on the face of it when my ex likely explained our situation to someone who cared for her (friends, family, online) the advice she most likely got was what everyone here suggests as the norm: block, wipe, forget, never respond, will never work, they haven't changed, delete, they're evil/bad yada, yada, yada.

 

The thing is it's been many months past and I've completely changed as a person. The old me is almost completely dead. I've done so much introspection that I truly feel deep down that I've learned my lesson. I've totally been humbled, please believe me. I can honestly and genuinely say this with confidence. I feel that I've really grown from this whole traumatic experience and that I'm a much stronger person, even though I still have my breaking points. The point being is that my intention of ever reconnecting with my ex is severed now because of advice usually given, that of total and utter NC. Because of this advice I'll basically never be given a chance at redemption.

 

I in no way shape or form will ever, EVER do what I did before. Like I said I learned my lessons. I will never take her or my future new partner ever for granted. I will show her or anyone else I end up with the love, respect and admiration they truly deserve. I will listen more, be present more, be more understanding, calm, cool, a leader with confidence. But because the advice that is normally given to ignore their ex like the plague is given this pretty much eliminates my chance of ever reconciling with my ex and it just really, reeeeeally saddens me. I want nothing more than to see her happy again with me but now she'll never know.

 

I've done my part. I learned about myself through sound advice from family, friends, forums, reading books, introspection, therapy, etc. I'm a much more mature and wiser person now then I ever was before the split. I dare say that if her and I ever got together that she would get the new and improved version of me and that she would be on cloud 9. I learned from my traumatic experience and feel that I'm ready to make something happen again with my ex in a healthy way, but when all the advice exes get is to ignore, block, delete, never respond to someone like me who did their part and grew from their experience almost NEVER will get a chance again. Not all who cause pain to others should be automatically discarded as not worth a chance again. I'm a human being and I made a mistake but I learned form it and someone like me shouldn't deserve total abandonment. I'm a good guy that simply made mistakes and has learned and made better from it.

 

Anyways, sorry if you guys totally disagree with me on this. This is how I strongly feel and I really think many of you should really reconsider your advice on total NC even though I know this won't happen. Not all people are bad. Some do actually grow from their experience and become better people, such as myself.

 

Thank you:)

[BluesPower]

Here is the issue: You may have learned and grown, but it does not change what you have done.

 

Once you chase a woman away by being weak and needy, there is nothing there anymore.

 

And, let's say you made contact with her and won her back, which is possible in some situations, SHE will never have any respect for you, ever.

 

When you do that type of stuff with a woman, you really ruin that relationship with her forever. You are better off taking the growth and finding a new relationship where you can start fresh.

 

You will never be on equal footing with a woman that you have begged and pleaded with.

[elaine567]

Its not only the weak and needy bit she will remember it is also all the times you hurt her and took her for granted, all the times you acted like a_hole, all the times she ended up hating you for letting her down... etc.etc.

 

AND she will most likely never really forgive you for breaking up with her.

How can she ever trust you again?

As someone here said the original relationship gave her peace and a warm feeling but after the break up and during the second chance she was always nervous and on edge - it was just not the same.

 

Also despite a break up being a whole learning experience, once back together couples then tend to gravitate towards the same groove. All the same issues resurface, so chances are despite your protestations now, you will get cosy and you will end up taking her for granted again, she will start to annoy you and you will start neglecting her and hurting her.... and eventually you will split up. Only this time it may be her that dumps you.

 

That is why people say move on and don't look back.

[d0nnivain]

People generally don't change. If you are somebody who has changed, you are the exception that proves the rule.

 

 

NC is about healing, not punishment. Dumpees need to stay away do they can get over being rejected. To constantly be around somebody who doesn't want them will be painful. Dumpers need to stay away because as the source of the other person's pain, they cannot simultaneously be the one to offer comfort.

 

 

During the period of time when the relationship was broken apart even if one person, like you, managed to change does not mean that you are miraculously more compatible with your EX. New experiences & life events changed your EX too, even in subtle ways. In the best case scenario for the EX that person has a new romance. They are not obligated to go backwards & revisit a relationship that didn't work.

[kztar]

Its not only the weak and needy bit she will remember it is also all the times you hurt her and took her for granted, all the times you acted like a_hole, all the times she ended up hating you for letting her down... etc.etc.

 

AND she will most likely never really forgive you for breaking up with her.

How can she ever trust you again?

As someone here said the original relationship gave her peace and a warm feeling but after the break up and during the second chance she was always nervous and on edge - it was just not the same.

Also despite a break up being a whole learning experience, once back together couples then tend to gravitate towards the same groove. All the same issues resurface, so chances are despite your protestations now, you will get cosy and you will end up taking her for granted again, she will start to annoy you and you will start neglecting her and hurting her.... and eventually you will split up. Only this time it may be her that dumps you.

 

That is why people say move on and don't look back.

 

This is very accurate. Things are NEVER the same. You may have learned from your experience but you cannot take what is done back.

 

I mentioned this in one of my threads but the first time around I had NO worries and felt very secure. Second time around I was Always nervous and on edge.

[Crystal1111]

LitTunel,

If my ex was half as brave and insightful as you, I would take him back in a second.

 

Sadly, I just think it's rare for someone to look in a mirror at themselves and be so honest. I'm guilty of that too.

 

I would give just about anything for my ex to see how his selfishness hurt our relationship, I just don't see it happening.

 

It's pretty awesome that you were able to do that.

[spiderowl]

You make an interesting point. I do know of a woman whose boyfriend dumped her when she was 18. She was totally in love with him and hurt beyond belief. Some 20 years later, her marriage was breaking up and her ex made contact with her via Facebook. They got chatting, both were in difficult marriages that were ending (they really were taking action, not just thinking about it at that point), and yes, they are now together and adore each other.

 

It took a long time but he obviously learned his lesson. He respects her. She thinks the world of him but she is a stronger person, a manager of a care home, and will not stand for any nonsense from him or anyone else. People do reflect and learn, not everyone, but some.

[AT15]

What kind of ******* things did you do?

[d0nnivain]

. Some 20 years later,

 

 

20 years later I agree most people grew up & changed.

 

 

A few months later, it's hard to make long term changes that alter life to date in such a short period of time.

[elaine567]

20 years later I agree most people grew up & changed.

 

 

A few months later, it's hard to make long term changes that alter life to date in such a short period of time.

 

Also 20 years later they are not still caught up in the nitty gritty of their failing relationship.

It is like a new start, they remember the bond, the love and the good stuff and they forget the bad stuff.

 

Not so easy to do when all that hurt and pain is still at the forefront of your mind.

[SevenCity]

LitTunel,

If my ex was half as brave and insightful as you, I would take him back in a second.

 

Sadly, I just think it's rare for someone to look in a mirror at themselves and be so honest. I'm guilty of that too.

 

I would give just about anything for my ex to see how his selfishness hurt our relationship, I just don't see it happening.

 

It's pretty awesome that you were able to do that.

 

 

I think most dumpers don't have the guts to admit they made a mistake so hats off to Lit.

 

OP, what you are feeling now is regret. This is similar to what causes the dumpee to beg and plead saying they will change. It's ironic that the shoe is on the other foot.

 

People want what they can't have and rejection breeds obsession. Now that you are the one rejected you are feeling what she went through during the breakup. It hurts. Bad.

 

Best thing you can do is apply your new skills to the next girl.

 

NC is meant to heal the dumpee. In this case it seems to have worked.

 

And for future reference, women have a lot more opportunities with the opposite sex than do men. They tend to move on faster and more permanently as a result.

 

Next time you want to break up with a girl, make sure you REALLY mean it. Personally, I wonder if it is her you miss or the feeling she gave you coupled with the rejection causing your obsession now.

[mightycpa]

Because of this advice I'll basically never be given a chance at redemption.

 

The thing is it's been many months past and I've completely changed as a person. The old me is almost completely dead. I've done so much introspection that I truly feel deep down that I've learned my lesson. I've totally been humbled, please believe me. I can honestly and genuinely say this with confidence. I feel that I've really grown from this whole traumatic experience and that I'm a much stronger person, even though I still have my breaking points. The point being is that my intention of ever reconnecting with my ex is severed now because of advice usually given, that of total and utter NC. Because of this advice I'll basically never be given a chance at redemption.

 

I in no way shape or form will ever, EVER do what I did before. Like I said I learned my lessons. I will never take her or my future new partner ever for granted. I will show her or anyone else I end up with the love, respect and admiration they truly deserve. I will listen more, be present more, be more understanding, calm, cool, a leader with confidence. But because the advice that is normally given to ignore their ex like the plague is given this pretty much eliminates my chance of ever reconciling with my ex and it just really, reeeeeally saddens me. I want nothing more than to see her happy again with me but now she'll never know.

 

I've done my part. I learned about myself through sound advice from family, friends, forums, reading books, introspection, therapy, etc. I'm a much more mature and wiser person now then I ever was before the split. I dare say that if her and I ever got together that she would get the new and improved version of me and that she would be on cloud 9. I learned from my traumatic experience and feel that I'm ready to make something happen again with my ex in a healthy way, but when all the advice exes get is to ignore, block, delete, never respond to someone like me who did their part and grew from their experience almost NEVER will get a chance again. Not all who cause pain to others should be automatically discarded as not worth a chance again. I'm a human being and I made a mistake but I learned form it and someone like me shouldn't deserve total abandonment. I'm a good guy that simply made mistakes and has learned and made better from it.

 

Thank you:)

Hi, a couple things about what you've written...

 

You don't need to redeem yourself in her eyes, and I'm not sure you can. Let's say it's true, you were a terrible boyfriend, not because you're a total @$$h*le, but because you had your head up you @$$. The trouble with your idea is that you think she's working off of a checklist,

 

He ignores me when I talk. Check

He doesn't give me enough attention. Check

He is not affectionate in front of friends. Check

 

and that you can fix the items on the list and get back into compliance. Usually, she's not and you can't. A better way to describe what goes on is that she thinks you are THIS person, she hangs out with you for a while, and then she figures out that you are THAT person. The reason this is important is because once she goes there, you've lost that "specialness" or "loveability" and this is not something gained and lost by changes in your behavior. This is a characteristic that you gain or lose once in your life.

 

Second, your desire to show her the new you reeks of desperation. Who does that, other than a jilted lover? Nobody, that's who. As a result, she'll never believe it, and she'll think it's really just you reacting, not changing.

 

She's probably right. You'll never take someone for granted again or not treat a girl perfectly? BS. We all do that, at least every once in a while. So you see, you actually ARE reacting. A changed man would say that he won't make as many mistakes with the next one, or at least, not the same ones. A changed man might push back a little, and say some of those things weren't mistakes, they were responses to the way she was acting. It wasn't all you, believe it or not. You're also going to make more mistakes as you go along, ones that you haven't even figured out yet.

 

Anyway, to wrap up with my final point, relationships are like sports. You don't get really good playing against the same team every week. You get better by playing against a bunch of teams, seeing a lot of different lineups and formations and tactics. Go make your mistakes with as many girls as you can, so that you can be ready when it's time for the big game.

 

This girl has served her purpose in your life. Next!

[AT15]

You may need to totally move on before she come back.

But, if you drop the poor me story and the feelings and emotions that go along with it, knowing what you know now...go back to meeting her, would you open your heart to her?

 

I ask this because, obviously our emotions fog our judgement. We want to feel the love that we "think" we lost so much that we forget the nuts and bolts of the core character of the person.

 

You may be in a much better place in a year or two and look back on this, and be SO happy she never returned. Or reject her when she does finally return.

[Bromeo]

OP, remember that this is predominantly a community of dumpees, so sympathy for a dumper may be waning at times.

 

Everything said thus far is accurate. I was the dumpee, and chased my ex for months. Its so true, it only drives them away further. In contrast to most, when I backed away, then mine would reach out. It drove me nuts.

 

Just remember that staying in something that your heart isnt in is not healthy. A very wise poster here said looking at the past ensures depression, while looking at the future ensures anxiety, so live in the present.

 

Be safe out there.

 

.02c.

[LitTunnel]

Look, I can understand what a lot of you are saying but I would have to still disagree with the whole gung-ho "it's too late, sorry, move on, no way, no how, no chance" mentality/advice. It's been almost 9 months since my breakup and I've had much, much time to reflect, observe and grow. And yes, I can tell you without a shred of doubt I've changed permanently but this whole mindset that it will never, ever work to me just seems ridiculous.

 

And it's not like I was the only one who was part of the failing in the relationship. She too exhibited a lot of jealous and insecure tendencies, trust me, more so than me, quit honest, only I showed mine as the last act so my behavior seemed more memorable and at the forfront. But because people keep advocating "delete, forget, won't work, lost cause, move on, block, ignore" my ex will get this false sense that she was the only victim and not take any responsibilities for her own actions.

 

We both acted immature and unhealthy, we're both guilty of that. But what I wanted was an opportunity to show my ex that not only am I willing to work on the relationship but that I took the nessecary steps, learned and became a stronger person from it. Shouldn't this show her confidence? Shouldn't this empower her as well? Shouldn't this be a stronger reason to give the relationship at least another chance? Respect?

 

The thing is even if she had the slightest reason at giving it a chance all it would've taken was a couple of people to tell her "no, don't do it, it will never work" to totally turn her off and go the other way. It just seems that people give up too easily nowadays and it's a shame.

 

And also, why is it that an ex-ex of mine wants back into my life again when her and I didn't exactly end it on good terms as well? Albeit it wasn't as bad as my current ex but it was still pretty bad and now I can tell she wants me so bad and do you know why?! Because she knows, from the way I've been behaving and talking that I've changed completely. And this is recent. I'm just not that same person anymore and she totally senses it. I can literally feel her attraction has totally shot through the roof as of late. Where as before we split when we would talk every little thing would trigger petty arguments, now I'm as cool as ice man and we've been talking a lot. In fact she's still at times saying the same things that in the past would annoy me but now im noticing that I'm behaving much more mature and clear headed and it feels fantastic. Its like even though I totally disagree with her ideas I'm totally taking the high road. And I can show this because she came around on her own accord unlike my current ex, this ex-ex of mine is much more secure and alpha so she really doesn't need advice from anyone. She made the decision on her own to rekindle talks with me and now has seen the massive change and it's driving her crazy that I'm not pursuing her anymore. It's just unfortunate that I no longer feel the same for her anymore.

 

Anyways, I know my argument is going to fall on deaf ears but this is how I strongly feel.

 

Thank you:)

[goldway90]

But because people keep advocating "delete, forget, won't work, lost cause, move on, block, ignore" my ex will get this false sense that she was the only victim and not take any responsibilities for her own actions.

 

9 days ago you had a breakdown, now you completely changed! i personally doubt it, you're in denial and bull****ting yourself making excuses for her.

 

We both acted immature and unhealthy, we're both guilty of that. But what I wanted was an opportunity to show my ex that not only am I willing to work on the relationship but that I took the nessecary steps, learned and became a stronger person from it. Shouldn't this show her confidence? Shouldn't this empower her as well? Shouldn't this be a stronger reason to give the relationship at least another chance? Respect?

 

You show her confidence by moving on, by having options and dating other women. Pursuing and fighting for a dead relationship is a needy behavior.

Edited February 13, 2017 by goldway90
typo

[Crystal1111]

Look, I can understand what a lot of you are saying but I would have to still disagree with the whole gung-ho "it's too late, sorry, move on, no way, no how, no chance" mentality/advice. It's been almost 9 months since my breakup and I've had much, much time to reflect, observe and grow. And yes, I can tell you without a shred of doubt I've changed permanently but this whole mindset that it will never, ever work to me just seems ridiculous.

 

And it's not like I was the only one who was part of the failing in the relationship. She too exhibited a lot of jealous and insecure tendencies, trust me, more so than me, quit honest, only I showed mine as the last act so my behavior seemed more memorable and at the forfront. But because people keep advocating "delete, forget, won't work, lost cause, move on, block, ignore" my ex will get this false sense that she was the only victim and not take any responsibilities for her own actions.

 

We both acted immature and unhealthy, we're both guilty of that. But what I wanted was an opportunity to show my ex that not only am I willing to work on the relationship but that I took the nessecary steps, learned and became a stronger person from it. Shouldn't this show her confidence? Shouldn't this empower her as well? Shouldn't this be a stronger reason to give the relationship at least another chance? Respect?

 

The thing is even if she had the slightest reason at giving it a chance all it would've taken was a couple of people to tell her "no, don't do it, it will never work" to totally turn her off and go the other way. It just seems that people give up too easily nowadays and it's a shame.

 

And also, why is it that an ex-ex of mine wants back into my life again when her and I didn't exactly end it on good terms as well? Albeit it wasn't as bad as my current ex but it was still pretty bad and now I can tell she wants me so bad and do you know why?! Because she knows, from the way I've been behaving and talking that I've changed completely. And this is recent. I'm just not that same person anymore and she totally senses it. I can literally feel her attraction has totally shot through the roof as of late. Where as before we split when we would talk every little thing would trigger petty arguments, now I'm as cool as ice man and we've been talking a lot. In fact she's still at times saying the same things that in the past would annoy me but now im noticing that I'm behaving much more mature and clear headed and it feels fantastic. Its like even though I totally disagree with her ideas I'm totally taking the high road. And I can show this because she came around on her own accord unlike my current ex, this ex-ex of mine is much more secure and alpha so she really doesn't need advice from anyone. She made the decision on her own to rekindle talks with me and now has seen the massive change and it's driving her crazy that I'm not pursuing her anymore. It's just unfortunate that I no longer feel the same for her anymore.

 

Anyways, I know my argument is going to fall on deaf ears but this is how I strongly feel.

 

Thank you:)

 

Hey, if it makes any difference, from what little I know about you, just from these forums. I personally think you've changed (from what you've said before)

 

I don't think someone could get inside my head (as you did, responding to my posts) if you hadn't. Only my opinion.

 

Like I said, if my ex displayed any sort of responsibility or even tried at all to communicate like a healthy person, I wouldn't be here.

 

Best of luck and thanks again for all your helpful insight. You've helped me understand my ex alot better.

 

Hang in there and you can PM me anytime. As soon as I've been here long enough to be able to PM.

[LitTunnel]

Hey, if it makes any difference, from what little I know about you, just from these forums. I personally think you've changed (from what you've said before)

 

I don't think someone could get inside my head (as you did, responding to my posts) if you hadn't. Only my opinion.

 

Like I said, if my ex displayed any sort of responsibility or even tried at all to communicate like a healthy person, I wouldn't be here.

 

Best of luck and thanks again for all your helpful insight. You've helped me understand my ex alot better.

 

Hang in there and you can PM me anytime. As soon as I've been here long enough to be able to PM.

 

Thank you Crystal. It means a lot to have some extra support from you. I had a pretty rough morning today but at the end of the day it got much better. Thank God. But see, today I kinda went into depression again because I got to thinking of her again and all my regrets and of course that sent me in a downwards spiral. Nothing really I can do. It just kinda happens from time to time. But I've noticed these episodes are spreading further apart so hopefully in due time they can stop, or until I meet my next luverrrrrr!!!! oh ya, lol:)

 

And ya, I just got my ability to PM so when you get yours up we can def chat for support.

[whatdeww18]

Look, I can understand what a lot of you are saying but I would have to still disagree with the whole gung-ho "it's too late, sorry, move on, no way, no how, no chance" mentality/advice. It's been almost 9 months since my breakup and I've had much, much time to reflect, observe and grow. And yes, I can tell you without a shred of doubt I've changed permanently but this whole mindset that it will never, ever work to me just seems ridiculous.

 

And it's not like I was the only one who was part of the failing in the relationship. She too exhibited a lot of jealous and insecure tendencies, trust me, more so than me, quit honest, only I showed mine as the last act so my behavior seemed more memorable and at the forfront. But because people keep advocating "delete, forget, won't work, lost cause, move on, block, ignore" my ex will get this false sense that she was the only victim and not take any responsibilities for her own actions.

 

We both acted immature and unhealthy, we're both guilty of that. But what I wanted was an opportunity to show my ex that not only am I willing to work on the relationship but that I took the nessecary steps, learned and became a stronger person from it. Shouldn't this show her confidence? Shouldn't this empower her as well? Shouldn't this be a stronger reason to give the relationship at least another chance? Respect?

 

The thing is even if she had the slightest reason at giving it a chance all it would've taken was a couple of people to tell her "no, don't do it, it will never work" to totally turn her off and go the other way. It just seems that people give up too easily nowadays and it's a shame.

 

And also, why is it that an ex-ex of mine wants back into my life again when her and I didn't exactly end it on good terms as well? Albeit it wasn't as bad as my current ex but it was still pretty bad and now I can tell she wants me so bad and do you know why?! Because she knows, from the way I've been behaving and talking that I've changed completely. And this is recent. I'm just not that same person anymore and she totally senses it. I can literally feel her attraction has totally shot through the roof as of late. Where as before we split when we would talk every little thing would trigger petty arguments, now I'm as cool as ice man and we've been talking a lot. In fact she's still at times saying the same things that in the past would annoy me but now im noticing that I'm behaving much more mature and clear headed and it feels fantastic. Its like even though I totally disagree with her ideas I'm totally taking the high road. And I can show this because she came around on her own accord unlike my current ex, this ex-ex of mine is much more secure and alpha so she really doesn't need advice from anyone. She made the decision on her own to rekindle talks with me and now has seen the massive change and it's driving her crazy that I'm not pursuing her anymore. It's just unfortunate that I no longer feel the same for her anymore.

 

Anyways, I know my argument is going to fall on deaf ears but this is how I strongly feel.

 

Thank you:)

 

I'm glad to hear that you have grown from this experience; any break up is difficult. It's evident in the development of your posts that you are not as bad and going through the initial break up motions that you were before.

 

It's good because now you are able to see you both had faults in the relationship. I think it's pretty normal to see the faults of your ex and sort of demonize him/her to a point to help you move on a bit.

 

I won't say that you've been growing for yourself or for your ex as some have been trying to point out. That's something that you know. However, I would say that there are some things that I would like to highlight and bring to your attention. I only want to bring these up so you have another perspective and possibly see this situation in a different light.

 

I really enjoyed Marky00's post as he said it's pretty natural for you to fix and change yourself to become the person your ex wanted. It's what you perceive broke the relationship. Now that it's happened, maybe you're looking for validation that you, indeed, have changed, and you're looking for that validation from your ex.

 

Maybe, you're looking back on the relationship and feel guilty for acting immature and insecure? To appease that guilt, you're wishing you had one chance to show your ex you have changed.

 

I would say you still feel really guilty about certain things, maybe there's one or two scenarios from the relationship or break up that you keep replaying and ask, "why did I act like that?" I may be completely wrong, and that's okay too. I don't know what you're feeling, I can only extrapolate from your post and how you've written it.

 

All this, combined with the fact that you loved your ex, is keeping you dangling on the want, possibly dire need, to have just one last chance with your ex. Now, add all this to some of the responses you've gotten, where people have been saying to "learn from this, move on, it's done," seems to squash this chance. You believe your ex will be getting this advice as well (she probably is). She may also get advice like other posters, where it's advocated to move on, learn, and if you talk in the future, you will be a better person for a better reconciliation. She will probably be getting mixed advice as well. So, look at you. You're still wanting that one last chance despite all the advice given. Advice is just that, what other people believe is best for you. You don't have to listen to it and you will ultimately follow what you believe you feel is best.

 

Your ex is doing what she feels is right, what she believes will make her happy. This is where I believe it's such a hard part of the break up: forgiving yourself and acceptance. To get over your insecurities, guilt, anger, YOU have to forgive yourself. It's the hardest to forgive oneself for mistakes made. Just know, everyone makes mistakes in a relationship. You're not the only one who has done what you did. Furthermore, you have to accept that what your ex believes will make her happy is not being with you or giving you a chance for now. It sucks. A lot. That's not to say that in time, she may come to realize her mistakes, her faults, and think you two together is what she wants. She may never come to realize that. It's the harsh reality but the sooner you accept it, the easier things get.

 

The number of months of healing and all that means so very little if you don't take the proper steps to address YOUR feelings and coming to terms with the break up. Some can simply do all of the steps in a few months, kudos to them. Others take up to the better part of a year or more. There's really no rush.

 

I don't want to put words in the mouths of posters who have told you to give up. However, no one here is trying to ruin a possible second chance for anyone. I would imagine, they've been in a similar situation or have heard of a similar situation, and are giving you what they believe is the best advice: to move on and give up. This, will probably help speed up the process of coming to terms with the break up, as mentioned in the previous paragraph.

 

Everyone is different and so will their views on reconciliations. Some just don't believe in second chances, for a plethora of reasons. Others disagree, and it works. Your argument doesn't fall on deaf ears. People listen. On Loveshack, it's promoted that not all ex's come back, not everyone gets a second chance, and these posters (usually from experience I would assume) have been there. The pain of the break up lingers that much longer if you hold on to hope that an ex will come back. So, it's believed to be better to advise someone to learn from the break up, grow, lose hope for the ex coming back, and move on. If the ex comes back, he/she does. Then, the ball will be in your court, in which, you have applied what you have learned in the time away from each other to decide if it's worth giving another shot. And even then, the advice to take back the ex is mixed. Relax, and let what happens, happen. Just be the best you that you can be, and truly just work on being happy with yourself

 

To finish off this entirely long post, we all know you are hurting. We've been hurt too. My post may be completely wrong. I'm not that experienced with break ups, and the such, anyways. All in all, what I'm trying to say is that people are just giving their experiences/advice to help you and I am trying to help you see why they give it and possibly why it may have rubbed you in the wrong way, at this point in time. Just take the advice given with a grain of salt, since not everyone has the same views. The beauty of Loveshack, differing views to give you some perspective, right?

 

Really am wishing you the best

Edited February 14, 2017 by whatdeww18