I need your thoughts on this... [UPDATE: Breakdown triggered at 7-Eleven]

[Slimtripper]

Can you give me examples of what I must do to change?

 

Everything:

You are still at DAY 1 of the relationship break up.

Taking all the blame, asking questions, panicking.

You haven't admitted to yourself this is over.

You need to stop looking for peope to tell you it's going to work out n realize that it's over. She is gone.

You're 42. You must have been through this before and know what to do.

It hurts but it hurts a lot more the more you let yourself believe you still have a chance with her

[TimmyC]

Well first off new relationships don't mean anything...Unfortunately my ex ended a 20 year marriage because her husband cheated, I was the rebound so a year later they are back together and I'm heartbroken...So it's possible.

 

Anyways with that said, just let her go for now so you can heal, you mention she tested your jealousy... Don't beat yourself up entirely no one deserves to be toyed with, but do give yourself time to heal. Your 42, it's certainly not the end of the world and there's plenty of other fish in the sea, look at it this way. Atleast there are more people in your age group that know what they want and have their life together. Just take it as a lesson, and if you find someone that loves you don't let her go.

[jamili]

Everything:

You are still at DAY 1 of the relationship break up.

Taking all the blame, asking questions, panicking.

You haven't admitted to yourself this is over.

You need to stop looking for peope to tell you it's going to work out n realize that it's over. She is gone.

You're 42. You must have been through this before and know what to do.

It hurts but it hurts a lot more the more you let yourself believe you still have a chance with her

 

At 7 months, it's really time to start dating other women. I feel like you need to start doing this, to realize there are other girls out there who will show you love and affection.

 

At this point, if she came back tomorrow you would destroy it instantly, because you aren't healed enough to restart anew. You need to meet other women. Get on a dating site asap is my advice!

[LitTunnel]

So I walk in to a 7-Eleven tonight, minding my own business, truthfully, just wasting time. I had just finished a long drive across town through nightmarish, rainy LA traffic so I needed an excuse to finally take a break. I walk in and the place is surprisingly empty, so I casually stroll around, no pressure.

 

I proceeded to check my few lotto tickets to see if I won, no dice. Scan around to see what goodies to buy, undecided. I walk over to the hot-dog area, not hungry, again, just wasting time. Bored clerk walks behind the hot-dog cooker and slides open the door and proceeds to put on his plastic glove in one hand and snatches the tongues in the other and waits for me. Feeling pressured I start looking and thinking which one of the 3 hot dogs to pick, spicy, jumbo or regular,

 

when suddenly,

 

my ears focus their attention on the speaker above which started playing my ex's favorite band and song;

 

Fleetwood Mac, (forgot the name of the song but man was it sad and so perfect for the moment)

 

And in just those couple seconds, I suddenly felt it...

 

my heart imploded in overwhelming grief. The moment hit me like a freight train. I couldn't believe it. I quickly realized a breakdown was commencing. "OMG!"

 

I PANIC!

 

The clerk is still waiting on me.

 

But now I'm looking at him stone-faced.

 

He senses something is off, I can see it in his eyes.

 

But I can't hold it in.

 

MUST GO!

 

I tell the man in a panicked voice and backwards walk, "I have to go. I'll be back! I'll be back!"

 

YA RIGHT!

 

Woosh, I'm out that mofo and sprint straight to my car.

 

I hop in, threw it in reverse, then drive and gunned it out that driveway in a mad dash. I zipped quickly down the street scanning for a place to park. Hopefully it's dark and secluded because I knew what was coming. I find a perfect spot and screech right in. Throw it in park and with the car in idle I bury my face in my open palms,

 

Niagara falls...

 

Daaaaam, just like that, out of nowhere.

 

The song was still playing in my head in a loop as I balled and heaved. Like I said the song couldn't have been more perfect. Tears and snot all over my face, meanwhile feeling my ex, picturing her, the distance of her, the smell of her, the touch of her, the realization of her missing from my life and that I would perhaps never, ever see or hear from her ever again.

 

All I could think was how it all ended and the dumb mistakes I made pre and post breakup. Not like I haven't done this a million times before, only this time, this was different. This hit me deep. Real deep. The deepest part of my heart. Eerily I also felt almost as-if it was my destiny for this breakup to have happened and I was the poor sap chosen as sacrifice of the two, perhaps to serve me a great purpose down the line, who knows, but for now, hell no.

 

As my tears poured down my face, in disbelief, shaking my head no thoughts were racing. It's like I still didn't want to let go of her but deep down I knew it was over.

 

I'm still in denial.

 

I was so crushed I wanted to die, right there and then. I even spoke those words to God.

 

I couldn't believe it. Never in my wildest dreams I imagined I would ever be this heart broken over a woman, a toxic one at that. How did it ever come to this?

 

The way tonight played out was seriously like a scene straight from a movie man, only a nightmare because I also realized I was still so dam emotionally attached to this woman and I can't get out.

 

Now I'm home and it's been a few hours. I've obviously calmed down but wow, just wow. I'm still just so in shock. It was surreal.

 

8 months BU, 6 months NC. It has gotten better but this setback really got me good guys. I'm so embarrassed but I had to share this.

Edited February 4, 2017 by LitTunnel

[d0nnivain]

All I could think was how it all ended and the dumb mistakes I made pre and post breakup.

 

I was so crushed I wanted to die, right there and then. I even spoke those words to God.

 

I couldn't believe it. Never in my wildest dreams I imagined I would ever be this heart broken over a woman, a toxic one at that. How did it ever come to this?

 

 

Tears are cleansing. Hopefully this episode will help you on your path to get over her.

 

 

If she was as toxic as you describe, even if you made some mistakes you alone didn't cause the break up. It's impossible to maintain a healthy, happy relationship with a toxic person.

 

 

If you are still feeling suicidal, please call somebody. Do not kill yourself over a broken relationship. Although it hurts now, you will get over this & things will get better.

 

 

Hang in there.

[LitTunnel]

I would never kill myself over a woman like that. Mainly my biggest problem was how I let myself down post breakup. I pretty much gave her all the power which diminished my own self worth and boosted her ego beyond measure. I do miss her and love her but her bad side is so dam toxic. I just don't see her getting along with anyone long term. She's with someone else now but I can only imagine that relationship not lasting. She's totally insecure and a cheater. I know I had thoughts of dying but they were just thoughts because of the situation. I believe my depression, anxieties and panic are due to my own ego being mortally wounded. I am working on getting back out and meeting someone new. I learned the single most greatest lesson. Never give away your self worth and power to anyone. Value yourself. Stay as calm as possible and live like you don't need anyone.

[Sweetfish]

I would never kill myself over a woman like that. Mainly my biggest problem was how I let myself down post breakup. I pretty much gave her all the power which diminished my own self worth and boosted her ego beyond measure. I do miss her and love her but her bad side is so dam toxic. I just don't see her getting along with anyone long term. She's with someone else now but I can only imagine that relationship not lasting. She's totally insecure and a cheater. I know I had thoughts of dying but they were just thoughts because of the situation. I believe my depression, anxieties and panic are due to my own ego being mortally wounded. I am working on getting back out and meeting someone new. I learned the single most greatest lesson. Never give away your self worth and power to anyone. Value yourself. Stay as calm as possible and live like you don't need anyone.

 

 

Lit ... I've followed your threads and admitting thru you under the bus for you initiating the breakup. However, you never really said WHY you broke-up and as I read your post...little pieces of information peaks my interest.

 

I've been reading these forums for quit some time due to my breakup a few months ago. It was a very, very bad breakup, initiated by me, which later I regretted and wanted back with her but my ex told me to never call her again, mainly due to the fact that I acted like a complete and utter jack-arse. I hurt her big time. I was so ashamed, embarrassed and down-right shocked at how pathetic and weak I acted that it further drove me to chase her just so I could repair my mess-up, but only made matters worse. I was selfish because it was all about me.

 

 

^^^ this was the initial post you made and for some odd reason I have a feeling your starting to see things in the relationship that is unraveling, but you can't put your finger on it? Is this the case? Why did you break-up with her?

[LitTunnel]

Truthfully I don't want to give details for fear of possibly being recognized but what I can tell you is that I acted very weak. I over persude her and scared her off to another man and now she doesn't care if I'm living or dead. I pretty much gave her ALL the power because I handled the relationship and post breakup very poorly. I mean typically I get over women within a couple weeks, at longest 1 month but with her, even knowing she's not the right one for me, I can't seem to detach from her no matter what I do, think or say. It's like I'm in her orbit and can't escape. I'm just obsessed with her thoughts and feel like I need her validation to move on. This is nuts! But I will say I've gotten much better but still, she's there.

[Sweetfish]

Truthfully I don't want to give details for fear of possibly being recognized but what I can tell you is that I acted very weak. I over persude her and scared her off to another man and now she doesn't care if I'm living or dead. I pretty much gave her ALL the power because I handled the relationship and post breakup very poorly. I mean typically I get over women within a couple weeks, at longest 1 month but with her, even knowing she's not the right one for me, I can't seem to detach from her no matter what I do, think or say. It's like I'm in her orbit and can't escape. I'm just obsessed with her thoughts and feel like I need her validation to move on. This is nuts! But I will say I've gotten much better but still, she's there.

 

 

understandable... but did you break-up because her behavior or because you kinda had a grass is greener syndrome..

 

set aside the beta vs. alpha or clingy or needy behavior.

 

At the beginning of the relationship did she love bomb you and mirror everything you liked?

[Ronni_W]

, even knowing she's not the right one for me, I can't seem to detach from her no matter what I do, think or say.

Do you think...possibly... Given that this is not typical behaviour for you, and even though you know that she's not 'the right one' for you, that the seeming inability to detach is less about her and more about what made you feel attraction for her in the first place? (Does that make sense?)

 

Like...your mind is looking at her, on that side, and saying/obsessing, "I can't detach from her; why can't I detach from her???" -- but really, that's happening only because your mind doesn't want to be looking at you, on this side, and ask, "Hey! What's wrong with you that you could get so involved, in the first place, with someone who is so not right for you?"

 

It doesn't feel that I'm articulating this very well...but perhaps you'll know what I mean, nonetheless. .

 

BTW. I also experienced what happened to you this morning - only my melt-down was in a 'Carlton Cards' store in some shopping mall. Oh well...whadda we gonna do? .

[LitTunnel]

understandable... but did you break-up because her behavior or because you kinda had a grass is greener syndrome..

 

set aside the beta vs. alpha or clingy or needy behavior.

 

At the beginning of the relationship did she love bomb you and mirror everything you liked?

 

Pretty much yes, she love bombed me and I was in total uphoriah. She's got very fast attachment. She's incredibly insecure. Don't get me wrong I'm insecure too but mine showed up more later in the relationship where as her I saw it almost immediately. I was just so attracted to her. I was told by several people that I shouldn't have gotten mixed up with her mainly due to her history but I didn't care because she gave me all the attention and admiration that i was longing and also I was absolutely hot for her. Shes so besutiful. I still gave her freedom and what not so I never smothered her. In fact I might have given her too much freedom cause she would always drop hints that I needed to spend more time with her but as the relationship progressed I did less of that. I guess what really drew me in to her is that she was so vulnerable. I felt strong in her presence. I'm insecure because I don't have a strong financial foundation which has caused me much anxieties and insecurities because of past mistakes and because she accepted me for who I was this made me more into her. I guess also that when I look at her I'm looking at my self. She was the perfect storm, I swear. I feel like this was all planned out for it to happen in my life. It all just fell into place and apart so perfectly that it's scary. I pretty much broke up with her because she tried to get me jealous on the day I broke up with her and I didn't appreciate her lying to me. Again, I don't want to get into detail but I was just frustrated with her and all the petty arguments. But the problem now is I'm putting all the blame on myself, like I didn't do enough. That I was selfish. That I didn't listen to her. I didn't talk to her in a loving way like I did at the beginning and I'm blaming myself for driving her onto the arms of another man because I forced her hand. Who knows but the guilt and regret feels overwhelming. I started seeing a therapist last week. I was feeling better up until last night's episode at 7-Eleven. Today I started feeling panicky again and I'm upset because I feel like I had a major setback. Anyways, what's done is done.

[Sweetfish]

Pretty much yes, she love bombed me and I was in total uphoriah. She's got very fast attachment. She's incredibly insecure. Don't get me wrong I'm insecure too but mine showed up more later in the relationship where as her I saw it almost immediately. I was just so attracted to her. I was told by several people that I shouldn't have gotten mixed up with her mainly due to her history but I didn't care because she gave me all the attention and admiration that i was longing and also I was absolutely hot for her. Shes so besutiful. I still gave her freedom and what not so I never smothered her. In fact I might have given her too much freedom cause she would always drop hints that I needed to spend more time with her but as the relationship progressed I did less of that. I guess what really drew me in to her is that she was so vulnerable. I felt strong in her presence. I'm insecure because I don't have a strong financial foundation which has caused me much anxieties and insecurities because of past mistakes and because she accepted me for who I was this made me more into her. I guess also that when I look at her I'm looking at my self. She was the perfect storm, I swear. I feel like this was all planned out for it to happen in my life. It all just fell into place and apart so perfectly that it's scary. I pretty much broke up with her because she tried to get me jealous on the day I broke up with her and I didn't appreciate her lying to me. Again, I don't want to get into detail but I was just frustrated with her and all the petty arguments. But the problem now is I'm putting all the blame on myself, like I didn't do enough. That I was selfish. That I didn't listen to her. I didn't talk to her in a loving way like I did at the beginning and I'm blaming myself for driving her onto the arms of another man because I forced her hand. Who knows but the guilt and regret feels overwhelming. I started seeing a therapist last week. I was feeling better up until last night's episode at 7-Eleven. Today I started feeling panicky again and I'm upset because I feel like I had a major setback. Anyways, what's done is done.

 

 

Ok. everything makes total sense now. You don't need to go into details.

 

You did not drive this girl into the arms of another man. Both of you are suffering codependent issues. Your codependent issues are of the cluster A traits and her dependence are from the cluster B traits. Relationships like this do not last as you coming from cluster A will never get tried of B...while B will eventually get tired of A.

 

The love bombing is a trait of emotionally unstable cluster B individuals.

 

NPD

HPD

BPD

 

Cluster A individuals are inexperience in healthy relationships so the love bombing appears to be what "real love must be" its not.. its a fallacy.. its fake.

 

This supplies the cluster A insecurities and thus they have an unhealthy bond to the other individual. The sad part is that eventually the other individual will be unable to continue this fake or unstable love and it will dissolve.

 

Like crack you will be looking for this "high" again and the only way to obtain it is to get into another toxic relationship.

 

I am laying out the cards because I want you to see the reality your in so you can heal. The only blame you should accept is your insecurities and realize you are whats important and until you get pass your insecurities it is you who will never find healthy relationships. This will be hard to swallow and a painful journey...but its the truth.

[Goodguy05]

Mate i empathise wth u mines only just started 4 mths in 2 mths officially. The 1st cpl mths we cling on to hope they'll wanna work things out that 6 mth place is where it dawns on us it's looking less likely still u never know I had an ex wife contact t me aftrr 7 to 8 mths they come back wen thy kno2 uv moved on i donno wat it is but they pick up tg he energy and suddenly run back to u but by then it's usually too late as uve moved on lol . Watch a movie called swingers I think u will definatley relate. It's got Vince Vaughn in filmed around la too...big man hug dude..I think of breakups as a big storm going thru ur body feel the emotions don't run from them and focus on how it changed. The electrical charge of the emotion can then subside and get less and less over time watever u do don't run into another relationship till u heal those wounds. Good luck and God bless im wth u all the way

[SevenCity]

Mate i empathise wth u mines only just started 4 mths in 2 mths officially. The 1st cpl mths we cling on to hope they'll wanna work things out that 6 mth place is where it dawns on us it's looking less likely still u never know I had an ex wife contact t me aftrr 7 to 8 mths they come back wen thy kno2 uv moved on i donno wat it is but they pick up tg he energy and suddenly run back to u but by then it's usually too late as uve moved on lol . Watch a movie called swingers I think u will definatley relate. It's got Vince Vaughn in filmed around la too...big man hug dude..I think of breakups as a big storm going thru ur body feel the emotions don't run from them and focus on how it changed. The electrical charge of the emotion can then subside and get less and less over time watever u do don't run into another relationship till u heal those wounds. Good luck and God bless im wth u all the way

 

This is so true. As crazy as this sounds, I believe the universe transmits your energy to your ex through the bond that was once there. Never seems to fail.

[LitTunnel]

Ok. everything makes total sense now. You don't need to go into details.

 

You did not drive this girl into the arms of another man. Both of you are suffering codependent issues. Your codependent issues are of the cluster A traits and her dependence are from the cluster B traits. Relationships like this do not last as you coming from cluster A will never get tried of B...while B will eventually get tired of A.

 

The love bombing is a trait of emotionally unstable cluster B individuals.

 

NPD

HPD

BPD

 

Cluster A individuals are inexperience in healthy relationships so the love bombing appears to be what "real love must be" its not.. its a fallacy.. its fake.

 

This supplies the cluster A insecurities and thus they have an unhealthy bond to the other individual. The sad part is that eventually the other individual will be unable to continue this fake or unstable love and it will dissolve.

 

Like crack you will be looking for this "high" again and the only way to obtain it is to get into another toxic relationship.

 

I am laying out the cards because I want you to see the reality your in so you can heal. The only blame you should accept is your insecurities and realize you are whats important and until you get pass your insecurities it is you who will never find healthy relationships. This will be hard to swallow and a painful journey...but its the truth.

 

I understand your post and I agree with you wholeheartedly. This could be the case. So how can I break from this addiction? Ive only seen my therapist once thus far but i have another appointment next wednesday so ill bring this up with my therapist. But what happens if she maybe down the line contacts me? Because I get the feeling she might because she's going to drive away the other guy eventually for sure because I know how she is. She might then come back. Maybe. I already decided that if she did contact me that I was going to just play it super cool and not act desperate at all. And then what I was going to do is butter her up and get her to confess to her cheating and bad ways on her own accord of course and then dump her, only on my terms. I NEED this closure. It's driving me insane.

[Sweetfish]

I understand your post and I agree with you wholeheartedly. This could be the case. So how can I break from this addiction? Ive only seen my therapist once thus far but i have another appointment next wednesday so ill bring this up with my therapist. But what happens if she maybe down the line contacts me? Because I get the feeling she might because she's going to drive away the other guy eventually for sure because I know how she is. She might then come back. Maybe. I already decided that if she did contact me that I was going to just play it super cool and not act desperate at all. And then what I was going to do is butter her up and get her to confess to her cheating and bad ways on her own accord of course and then dump her, only on my terms. I NEED this closure. It's driving me insane.

 

 

Therapist are more like listeners... They do what every they can not to trigger you...because this can cause you to be suicidal. They will walk on egg shells and be more concern with you than people around you.

 

The only thing you can do is walk away. The closure you seek will just make you hurt more. Your terms will put you her back in control again..over your emotions.

[bluefeather]

I started seeing a therapist last week. I was feeling better up until last night's episode at 7-Eleven. Today I started feeling panicky again and I'm upset because I feel like I had a major setback.

 

Maybe that therapy session let out some suppressed emotions?

[preraph]

I call that driving and crying. I'm an extreme music lover, made my early career in it, and music was my whole life. I marked time by it. Every song I love and some I don't hold my memories. I went through a major breakdown when I couldn't bear to listen to music because of the vine of associations with it. It was too painful. It was a long period. At the end of it, I read my journals as I listened to the music referenced in them and cried and cried as I typed my handwritten journals into Word. Music is my memory card. If I want to remember things, I play certain music. Mostly it's bittersweet to do so.

 

I was in a grocery store one time when the Pretenders Christmas song came on. I literally hadn't heard it for 15 years or so. I wasn't even aware what was going on at first. I had this rush of memories and felt very disoriented and then realized this song was playing and knew why. That wasn't even a big important song to me, but it was from a specific relationship, a friend lost when the relationship ended.

 

Once during my depression I was at a dinner party of gay guys. Usually no worries about the music there because dance music isn't my thing. Then out of the blue the host put on my favorite artist, my second favorite album by the artist, one loaded with memories and emotion. I just more or less went into shock. The host noticed something was wrong. He asked. I didn't know these guys well except the host, and I pulled it together, but it shook me up real bad because that was when I realized during this depression that I was avoiding my favorite music and why.

 

In the days when I was healing by reading and transcribing my journal after this long depression, I was raw, of course. I had to face the music. I chose my place to do it. Back then I was driving a black on black Firebird with an astonishing sound system. I booked a room at a lodge inside an animal sanctuary in the hills. There was a creek that crossed the road that you would drive through to go from the lodge to the other part of the santuary. I got in my car and drove to the middle of the creek and parked, surrounded by a large herd of white gazelles. I put my favorite album on for the first time in 10 years and was overwhelmed by it's beauty, by the beauty around me. It was how I imagine bipolar people are when they're high -- everything is hitting them like wind.

 

It was the beginning of my healing. Of getting myself back.

[LitTunnel]

Preraph, the feeling is so unbearable:( It's crazy because I know deep down my ex is not for me. She's toxic, unreasonable, angry, cheater and egocentric. But for some oddball, crazy, unexplained reason I still want her. It's like I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm so vulnerable. I constantly yearn for her and I'm sick of it. I wish I NEVER met her, even if it was meant to teach me a lesson.. It's just not worth the pain. It's just not. I'm sick of hearing it too "It's for a reason and for your own good." Hell, even I have said it and I don't even know why. I guess deep down I want it to be for a good reason but every day that passes and I still feel like utter poo I think if there really is a reason behind all this. I dunno. All I know is I can't bare these deep yearning for my ex anymore. Is there a pill that can wipe away a particular person from our memory? lol:)

[Ronni_W]

LitTunnel,

Your experience is Calling for you to look at yourself -- kindly, lovingly and yet also firmly, critically and objectively. (Not 'critically' in a negative sense but in the scholarly sense.)

 

What aspects of yourself did this person's personality and character traits bring out in you? (Disbelief? Anger? Compassion? What?)

What aspects of how you used to feel or react are you now missing?

[Sweetfish]

Preraph, the feeling is so unbearable:( It's crazy because I know deep down my ex is not for me. She's toxic, unreasonable, angry, cheater and egocentric. But for some oddball, crazy, unexplained reason I still want her. It's like I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm so vulnerable. I constantly yearn for her and I'm sick of it. I wish I NEVER met her, even if it was meant to teach me a lesson.. It's just not worth the pain. It's just not. I'm sick of hearing it too "It's for a reason and for your own good." Hell, even I have said it and I don't even know why. I guess deep down I want it to be for a good reason but every day that passes and I still feel like utter poo I think if there really is a reason behind all this. I dunno. All I know is I can't bare these deep yearning for my ex anymore. Is there a pill that can wipe away a particular person from our memory? lol:)

 

 

This is what abusers suffer its like an addiction.

[preraph]

Preraph, the feeling is so unbearable:( It's crazy because I know deep down my ex is not for me. She's toxic, unreasonable, angry, cheater and egocentric. But for some oddball, crazy, unexplained reason I still want her. It's like I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm so vulnerable. I constantly yearn for her and I'm sick of it. I wish I NEVER met her, even if it was meant to teach me a lesson.. It's just not worth the pain. It's just not. I'm sick of hearing it too "It's for a reason and for your own good." Hell, even I have said it and I don't even know why. I guess deep down I want it to be for a good reason but every day that passes and I still feel like utter poo I think if there really is a reason behind all this. I dunno. All I know is I can't bare these deep yearning for my ex anymore. Is there a pill that can wipe away a particular person from our memory? lol:)

 

I wish there was a pill! If we invent one, we'll make a gazillion dollars.

 

At some point you just have to realize you loved who you hoped she would be and how you hoped the relationship would be and that's what you yearn for. Because I know your ideal love is not someone who doesn't love you back or couldn't keep it going.

 

Just realize that once you do move on, at some point, you will probably be able to enjoy some of the memories without dwelling on them.

[LitTunnel]

This is what abusers suffer its like an addiction.

 

Sweetfish, are you referring me as the abuser? Just curious. And if so what do you mean as me as the abuser?

 

But ya, she brought out a lot of emotions in me that were the typical relationship enjoyments like having a companion there when you want to spend time with, sex, communication but the bad parts were insecurities and jealousy. In some instances I wanted her all to myself when we were out and about. I never made it overt but more internally and I hated feeling this way because the feelings associated were very unsettling. I just always felt like I couldn't trust her. She was just very odd at times the things she'd say and do just didn't make sense to me and to others but it made me want her more. I guess I was driven to passionately yearn for her more due to the fact that she was unpredictable. Plus I was incredibly attracted to her.

 

Last night I saw her fb profile after a month of not doing that and man she's so beautiful. I just want to kiss her non stop. Dam, wish I didn't do it but I'm not as bad as I thought. Btw, we are not friends on fb. Her fb is set to private. On Dec 7th she unblocked me after 3-4 months and has been unblocked since but I'm only assuming it's due to her feelings of indifference. She hasn't at all sent me any breadcrumbs whatsoever. Dam, I really must've screwed it up. Just sucks that I acted a fool. It didn't have to go down like this. I could've walked away with dignity but instead I'm like yearning her every thought like she some kind of goddess. I really hope I can meet someone new and that I can make a connection with. I can't wait.

[Sweetfish]

Sweetfish, are you referring me as the abuser? Just curious. And if so what do you mean as me as the abuser?

 

But ya, she brought out a lot of emotions in me that were the typical relationship enjoyments like having a companion there when you want to spend time with, sex, communication but the bad parts were insecurities and jealousy. In some instances I wanted her all to myself when we were out and about. I never made it overt but more internally and I hated feeling this way because the feelings associated were very unsettling. I just always felt like I couldn't trust her. She was just very odd at times the things she'd say and do just didn't make sense to me and to others but it made me want her more. I guess I was driven to passionately yearn for her more due to the fact that she was unpredictable. Plus I was incredibly attracted to her.

 

Last night I saw her fb profile after a month of not doing that and man she's so beautiful. I just want to kiss her non stop. Dam, wish I didn't do it but I'm not as bad as I thought. Btw, we are not friends on fb. Her fb is set to private. On Dec 7th she unblocked me after 3-4 months and has been unblocked since but I'm only assuming it's due to her feelings of indifference. She hasn't at all sent me any breadcrumbs whatsoever. Dam, I really must've screwed it up. Just sucks that I acted a fool. It didn't have to go down like this. I could've walked away with dignity but instead I'm like yearning her every thought like she some kind of goddess. I really hope I can meet someone new and that I can make a connection with. I can't wait.

 

 

No. She is the abuser..

 

Also, your current state of mine is not healthy what so ever. I would seek help from family and friends

[LitTunnel]

No. She is the abuser..

 

Also, your current state of mine is not healthy what so ever. I would seek help from family and friends

 

Can u elaborate? And I am seeking help through a therapist. My 2nd therapy is this Wednesday. I'm really struggling man. She's constsntly on my mind. The regret of making a fool of myself had literally sucked the life force out of me. I keep reliving the moment during and post breakup and just feel awful obsessively. Although it doesn't hurt as bad but what scares me is that I still am doing this. I wish I could stop but I cant. I just feel so helpless, like I'm drowning in the middle of the ocean. I've never been this way ever in my life and coping has been an absolute nightmare.