Any single OMs out there?

[road]

Thanks. This is a compelling viewpoint. Although we have had one OM chime in here to dispute this narrative, it does make sense and is likely correct in most cases.

 

I was not a women magnet when I was young and single. And I never had a FB or married woman. I like all young men wanted to get laid. Now would of that tempted me to sleep with a woman that was married? I would like to assume no.

 

 

But I knew men my age that were always getting laid by attractive women. Why? Because they could, while they had steady GF's that they then later married.

[rhymemepoet]

There's not a single day that goes by she is not on my mind. I reached out once or twice, yet I knew that I shouldn't. I wonder why I did it (called). I don't want the affair back, but I tell myself I miss her as a friend. I think it is true, I do miss her as a friend, she is the only woman I've ever been so interested in. I liked that she was "bad", and I even feel like that is the only woman who can keep my attention.

 

Of course I miss the sex, but if I had that I would not have a job or money, like a drug it consumes all of my energy leaving me useless to the world. With my freedom from the affair I've focused again on my career and am doing really well again.

 

I was separated (divorced without the decree) for six years while I dated MW. I have two young kids, she doesn't have any. She married her husband (he's eight years younger) to get over her MM. She would see him occasionally during our affair, that pretty much killed it for me (in terms of feeling like I loved her).

 

Inside I know I'm lucky to be out of this, yet I'm always pining for her ahs I can't help it. I probably shouldn't keep so many reminders, yet I don't want to let the memory go. I'm glad I had this affair because before I was broken but now I feel whole. I can only describe it as not being sad about myself anymore.

 

I think because I cared so much about her that part of me wants validation from her. I want her to see my new apartment my new clothes my new job and attitude. I want her to see that I'm the top dog and not toiling on the ground.

[aileD]

The allure of forbidden fruit and danger and lust and romance novel drama is very seductive, isn't it?

[MJJean]

My OM was single and childless when we met. We've been a couple for 17 years and married 14 of those.

[carhill]

The allure of forbidden fruit and danger and lust and romance novel drama is very seductive, isn't it?

IDK, I didn't really find MW's all that alluring, rather unavailable for a relationship. The only real alluring which occurred was with those who didn't disclose their marital status and I was treating them, and feeling about them, like they were single. Young man hormones I guess. I found it far easier to get attached as a young guy. Now, too old and too cynical. Once attached, it was hard to unwind, though became easier over time with experience. I think most guys got the lessons as teenagers with girlfriends cheating on them or with them, if cheating can apply to teenage dating. They learned from that. I got the lesson from married women instead and unfortunately from some who were quite proficient at it, so polished in seducing men. Easy to laugh about it now. Oh, well. At least the OP sounds like a sincere person and not a predator. Those are the scary ones.

[merrmeade]

I do believe it is entirely possible to develop feelings for another person, even in a happy marriage. It certainly happened to me. You see, a marriage can be happy and successful without a person being happy. I would say in my case I made this mistake because of other problems in my life and because of untreated depression.

 

If I've learned anything through this is that life and human emotions are extremely complicated. And that marriage is a choice. And never say never. And lots of other painful lessons.

Hmmm. I fail to see the great revelation/insight here or even contradiction. Was anyone arguing that you must have had a crappy marriage to have developed these feelings?

 

In fact, this is no new news to anyone. What apparently you do not understand is that it is also entirely possible to make sure you don't "develop feelings for another person" well in advance. It's possible to recognize and extricate yourself from circumstances favorable to extramarital relationships. You don't think betrayed spouses haven't had their share of opportunities? The difference is NOT that it just "happened" to you. It's that, for whatever reason, you did not manage those circumstances and nip those feelings in the bud. You could have. Will you next time is the question.

 

It's a choice, not fate. Ask my husband; he'll tell you.

[merrmeade]

ten characters

 

[- point was already taken and cleared up.]

Edited December 18, 2016 by merrmeade

[BoaConstrictor]

Hmmm. I fail to see the great revelation/insight here or even contradiction. Was anyone arguing that you must have had a crappy marriage to have developed these feelings?

 

In fact, this is no new news to anyone. What apparently you do not understand is that it is also entirely possible to make sure you don't "develop feelings for another person" well in advance. It's possible to recognize and extricate yourself from circumstances favorable to extramarital relationships. You don't think betrayed spouses haven't had their share of opportunities? The difference is NOT that it just "happened" to you. It's that, for whatever reason, you did not manage those circumstances and nip those feelings in the bud. You could have. Will you next time is the question.

 

It's a choice, not fate. Ask my husband; he'll tell you.

People argue that first point all the time. It's like the cornerstone of many interpretations of affairs -- that you wouldn't seek outside companionship or validation if you were getting it all in the marriage. I guess that doesn't mean the marriage is ipso facto crappy, but most people looks for the cracks in the marriage first rather than in the mental health (or lack thereof) of the wayward spouse, their past, or other structures of their life that might have lead to the decision.

 

And I agree with everything else you said. I don't subscribe to the concept of fate, especially not for this. I think you over-interpreted my use of "it happened" based on the common held excuse, "it just happened." How about this: I allowed this to happen. Does that express the proper agency and responsibility?

 

I actually don't agree with you about how it's always entirely possible to ensure you don't develop feelings for another person. It's possible to stop your feelings from becoming advanced, and it's certainly possible to never act on those feelings. But feelings originally? They often come unbidden. Prior to this, I develop feelings several times in my marriage, which eventually dissipated and were never articulated or acted upon.

[2.50 a gallon]

When I married we moved several states away from our home town. I caught her cheating 6 months into the marriage, and walked away.

Before that time married women were strictly taboo. However being in a new environment, with no friends, I found married women to be an easy source for sex. Also I had given up on love and marriage, so the sex was without entanglements. I did not have to worry about them wanting to have a permanent relationship.

In fact I dated MW exclusively for a good year after the break up. After that I never did take married women off the menu. In fact at times I found it stimulating to make it with another man's wife.

[BoaConstrictor]

When I married we moved several states away from our home town. I caught her cheating 6 months into the marriage, and walked away.

Before that time married women were strictly taboo. However being in a new environment, with no friends, I found married women to be an easy source for sex. Also I had given up on love and marriage, so the sex was without entanglements. I did not have to worry about them wanting to have a permanent relationship.

In fact I dated MW exclusively for a good year after the break up. After that I never did take married women off the menu. In fact at times I found it stimulating to make it with another man's wife.

If I were at all into psychoanalyzing things, I would say you were exacting your revenge on your ex through sleeping with other married women. But it makes sense that no strings attached sex was the motivator. Was this a while ago? In this day and age of FWB/FB, it should be easy to find this with a single woman.

 

But really, I get it. I think the illicit part likely goes both ways; in other words, it's stimulating both for the married person and the single person. I never had sex with my OM. Never even met him, but it's not hard to imagine how intoxicating illicit sex is, even if I've never had it.

[merrmeade]

I actually don't agree with you about how it's always entirely possible to ensure you don't develop feelings for another person. It's possible to stop your feelings from becoming advanced, and it's certainly possible to never act on those feelings. But feelings originally? They often come unbidden. Prior to this, I develop feelings several times in my marriage, which eventually dissipated and were never articulated or acted upon.

yes, that is my point

[merrmeade]

I find it very hard not to respond.

 

Why? Because I do care about him. I do want to know how is doing. I miss him. Sometimes I think if I could split myself in two, I would.

 

One thing that helps me is having a open transparency with my husband. I tell him when the OM sends me a message and also tell him if I respond. This definitely keeps me from writing him. I would recommend it for any WS who really wants to be NC.

Well, that’s just great. So NC works because of open transparency, which consists – in this case – of the WS revealing any contact between WS and AP to the BS. Tick that off the list of things that work “for any WS who really wants to be NC.”

 

Huh? Then WHAT, pray tell, IS ‘open transparency’—besides redundant? Broadly speaking, transparency is supposed to be an agreement to essentially self-disclose and be completely honest. But the more specific applications of NC in a given relationship should be whatever helps the WS regain BS’s trust – not whatever keeps WS in place, but straining against the leash. Good grief, give me my 100% transparent ex-serial cheater husband any day.

 

No, transparency is far more than telling the BS when the APs have been in contact. It’s about the WS’s communication with BS, asking for help with providing transparency, and good faith effort to regain trust. But if WS is, instead, asking internet strangers how to “stay strong” rather than focusing all efforts toward reassuring the BS of abiding commitment and openness, well, reconciliation has not started and this is not transparency.

 

The WS should be worried about making mistakes and losing the BS, not about how well the constraints work and certainly not about losing the OM. You should have seen my husband’s white face when he realized that OW had just tricked him into breaking NC by asking her neighbor to ask him a question—which he answered. His fear was losing me by losing my trust; it was not, losing her. What is your fear, Boa?

 

So back to your “open transparency,” if that’s the extent of it:

What about this thread? Is this another secret world you’re keeping from your husband? Why aren’t you discussing these things with him, trying to convince him of your good faith effort to regain his trust? Or is this is a place you can come and talk all you want about you and your losses?

[merrmeade]

Either way, all you OMs out there who were unfortunate enough to fall for a married woman who did not want to leave her husband for you, here's you chance to tell me all the reasons why I should stay strong and let you go. []

STAY strong? Stay? When did you start?

 

Now that I've finished the thread, there have been so many more examples that, at worst, this situation is a disaster waiting to happen and, at best, a farce. Maybe both. If the thread question were more general, I'd ask you many more about your husband's reactions, though, based on other interpretations, not sure I'd believe your assessment. But if it WERE more general, I'd ask you about his suffering, how he showed that he was hurt and how that was for you, how difficult it's been for him trying to reconcile and generally how much you know about how he's feeling. Then I'd ask which concern occupies you more—his suffering or your longing for OM?

 

After asking those questions, I'd probably be unable to resist telling you that I think a huge problem for you is a lack of self-awareness. I’d give as an example how unaware you seem that your cute, bouncy banter (for example, #16) could be taken for flirting. Also, there’s the bigger red flag that your general affect seems unhampered by regret or sorrow at the pain your husband must be suffering as we speak. The tone, in fact, is the opposite of the many WSs, who post here all the time, with staggering remorse. On the contrary, the "haha" comments, glib speculations and pedantry indicate that you are neither remorseful nor in reconciliation and render your queries more academic than sincere. They are queries, by your own admission, focused on your relationship with OM and will not help you achieve the self-awareness and authenticity you need to help your husband heal and help you recommit and be honest with yourself.

 

At any rate, that's what I WOULD do and say, if we could address ALL the disturbing incongruities in the thread. The biggest of fallacy of all is the basic premise that the thread is about the sub-topic—getting over your OM—when the ensuing 5-page discussion hones in exclusively on you and OM. That would also be begging the question.

 

My question is WHY should you get over OM?

[Cymbeline]

I don't get internet affairs. What are they about if you don't meet? How can someone be hung up on typed paragraphs? I'm really curious.

[carhill]

Some good explanations of the internet affair phenomena can be found in an old member's posts regarding his wife's EA through an online gaming community. They reconciled, and for a number of years, when the member last visited. The username is 'Owl'. The OP could likely gain some tools from reviewing that content.

[BoaConstrictor]

I don't get internet affairs. What are they about if you don't meet? How can someone be hung up on typed paragraphs? I'm really curious.

I imagine those who fall prey to internet affairs are those like me who spend a fair amount of time at home or who have more constrained friend or social circles. I also am a lover of words and ideas, so typed paragraphs can hold a fair amount of appeal if they are well crafted and such. But I'm sure there are lots of other reasons.

[DKT3]

i imagine those who fall prey to internet affairs are those like me who spend a fair amount of time at home or who have more constrained friend or social circles. I also am a lover of words and ideas, so typed paragraphs can hold a fair amount of appeal if they are well crafted and such. But i'm sure there are lots of other reasons.

 

fantasy. ..

[Cymbeline]

" I also am a lover of words and ideas, so typed paragraphs can hold a fair amount of appeal if they are well crafted"

 

I knew when I wrote 'typed paragraphs' that this would be a likely response. Abut many of us have postgrad degrees in Literature or Philosophy or simply enjoy words.

 

I can see that if someone is having psychological difficulties that this might happen, but people on this forum seem bright and educated. So I'm still struggling to understand how wordsnon a screen can cause such feelings.

 

I write on forums sometimes but I don't start to feel that people are close friends. Cyrano de Bergerac wooed with words, being too ugly in the flesh, but he had a real live man speaking his words to a woman.

 

I can see how a friendship might start if you are online a lot. I looked at Owls story (thank you for that) and was puzzled but at least she was unwell at the time, but to feel so very strongly for an online person that they take precedence over available people seems to me a rejection of life, and a terrible waste of life.

 

Unless it is the equivalent of people who prefer dogs to people - that the complexities of real relationships are too difficult to navigate. (that isn't meant to sound insulting).

 

I should say the whole

Fantasy aspect of all affairs escapes me entirely. And it isn't because I lack imagination. But fantasy ( or phantasy as Freud would call this particular pathology) tend to stay delineated as exactly that in my life. I know people who have them aren't stupid or bad and would be fun to be with. I would just love to be able to understand.

[harrybrown]

Have you let your H know about your A?

 

sometimes that helps to stop either the A or the marriage.

 

 

Good luck to you.

[BoaConstrictor]

Cymbeline, I wonder if the idea of a pen pal would give you more insight. In other words, do you think can people fall for each other through handwritten correspondence?

 

Clearly when certain people meet after a long correspondence, some find that the relationship works in person, whereas others realize they are not attracted to each other or that the person isn't who they thought they were. But the same thing happens when a couple moves in together. The relationship disintegrates in the face of a new dynamic or new aspects of the person is revealed under the new circumstances that changes someone's feelings.

 

I guess my point is that all of human connection is limited or inscribed by the circumstances in which we know someone.

 

Do you feel the same way about online friendships? That they reveal a lack of something in someone? I have a very close friend I developed this year. She and I have never heard each other's voices or looked in each other's eyes, but I find her friendship invaluable. Sometimes it's hard to find someone that you can connect with, especially if you have a niche hobby or passion, and especially if you live in a smaller city. I don't see her as someone who keeps me from my local friendships but rather as a valuable addition to my already large friendship circle locally.

 

Anyway, these musings are not related to my own situation, or at least only peripherally. I have already granted that I have made unhealthy choices due to untreated depression and am now working through that with a therapist. But just because this might have happened in my life due to a "defect" doesn't mean that I agree with your rather blanket argument that only people with psychological problems have such an emotional reaction to words on a screen.

[BoaConstrictor]

Have you let your H know about your A?

 

sometimes that helps to stop either the A or the marriage.

 

 

Good luck to you.

Thanks. Yes, he knows about it.

[cloche]

My husband knows. It's over. But anyone who's ended an affair before knows that we can use all the ongoing encouragement we can throughout the extrication process. And I mean the emotional extrication process. Sorry if I wasn't entirely clear in the original post.

 

FWIW, I've noticed on here that xMM seem to contact OWs quite a bit. At least so far in my case, it has only been the OM who has broken NC once we finally committed to NC.

 

How exactly did he break NC?

[cloche]

Either way, all you OMs out there who were unfortunate enough to fall for a married woman who did not want to leave her husband for you, here's you chance to tell me all the reasons why I should stay strong and let you go.

 

Well that depends...

 

Were you completely honest with OM at all times?

 

Were you clear and explicit with him that you would never leave your marriage? Or did you encourage him to believe that you one day might?

[BoaConstrictor]

How exactly did he break NC?

Through email. We've never met and only talked on the phone three times. I refused to talk on the phone anymore or meet him.

[BoaConstrictor]

Well that depends...

 

Were you completely honest with OM at all times?

 

Were you clear and explicit with him that you would never leave your marriage? Or did you encourage him to believe that you one day might?

I actually was honest with him at all times. Too honest possibly. That was part of the problem -- that I laid myself bare to him emotionally in ways that I shouldn't have. And part of what was attractive to me was that I shared some very dark and personal things about myself, things that many people would likely run the other direction from. Yet still he wanted me. That's some heady stuff, especially to someone who feels like many people in her regular life don't know the "real her".

 

But I never said a bad word about my husband. I have nothing bad to say about my husband. I love him, even if I've done a poor job demonstrating that love over the past few months. More often than not, I praised my husband -- to the point that once the OM expressed how he hoped one day to have what we have. Sound pretty ridiculous, I know, given the fact that I became emotionally entangled with another man.

 

Yes, I was explicit that I would never leave my marriage, although obviously I recognize that remaining in contact with him or responding to any emails sent a different message than my unequivocal words did.

 

I admitted both to the OM and my husband my feelings for the OM, even as I qualified their likely origin. In other words, in the face of his proclamations of love, devotion, and adoration, I did admit that for me he represented an escape, a fantasy, and a break from the doldrums of life.