Any single OMs out there?

[BoaConstrictor]

I haven't read all replies but just had a random thought.

 

Of course single men are in affairs for the sex.

 

Do you think they want to MARRY a woman who's already proven she can't be a faithful wife?

 

Nope. Sex. Maybe some kind feelings...but they're not looking for a soulmate

 

See, I reject these strict gender divisions on principle. What are you suggesting here about women, since we know they will marry a man who's proven he can't be a faithful husband?

 

And what about married men? Does the fact that they are married themselves change the equation and make them more open to marry "wayward women"?

 

I'm fascinated by all these questions surrounding gender.

 

I don't necessarily have a dog in this fight per se. I'm perfectly fine with my ex-OM solely wanting sex. It makes my emotions easier post-facto. But the evidence doesn't fit the proposition. He was far more demonstrative and emotional than I was FWIW. Eh, whatever. I would be better to conclude it was solely to get into my pants, though if that was what he wanted, he chosen someone awfully far away for said romp.

 

If he's unattractive to single women (especially attractive ones), he will hang onto you. If he can get an attractive single woman, he will dump you.

It's entirely possible. But this simple equation tends closer to misandry and stereotype than I usually like to be. Or perhaps by "attractive" you mean attractive physically, intellectually, and emotionally?

Edited December 15, 2016 by BoaConstrictor

[aileD]

Iof course there are people who are different. But I do think some gender stereotypes have some tooth to them. Women tend to get more attached emotionally in situations like this as we have all seen here. Not all women, but more than not. Single women becomeing attached emotionally to married men and hooking onto the fantasy of a life together tend to overlook the obvious "if he cheated with you he'll cheat on you" thing.

 

From a. Purely biological standpoint Primal instinct for men is to spread their seed and procreate. Primal urge for women is to find a man to stay and protect them and offspring. So it's wired in women to get more emotionally attached. Men's primal instinct is not going to want to stay and protect a woman who has a good chance of procreating with some other mans seed.

 

It's not that we are dumb and can't see it's not a good idea to marry someone who cheated with you....it's just that the emotions flood and overlook the bad stuff....you see it all the time here. I feel like single men can see that more clearly sometimes

 

Of course this isn't the case all the time because we are beings with rational thought. But I think biological urges are still present within us

[DKT3]

My wife's AP was single, he pushed hard for her to leave and be with him. I asked her to come read this thread, she said she would over the weekend.

 

But from what I know he was in love, but its second hand knowledge on my part.

 

I do have a friend who for a period of time dated exclusively MW after he divorced. His thinking was they wouldn't want to give up thier way of life and they could just enjoy the time that had together for what it was. His views have since changed after one blow up his career after her husband found out.....

[cloche]

xOM here.

 

We met in our mid-forties, about 7 years ago now. I divorced immediately, she did not, and we spent the next 5 years struggling with whether she could, would, etc. until I finally gave up and walked away. We've had no contact now for 2 1/2 years.

 

I disagree with your assertion (expressed elsewhere) that resuming contact with him would be 'cruel' (to him).

 

Nonsense. He's a grown man, quite capable of deciding for himself whether or not to respond to your communication. If he want's NC, he will have it - that's not up to you.

 

Reaching out to him may well be ill-advised for other reasons, however. Especially if you value your marriage. Do you want to get over this man and move on with your husband or not? If so, i would have thought that continued contact with him can only impede doing so.

 

Warmly,

 

cloche

[cloche]

Of course single men are in affairs for the sex.

 

Do you think they want to MARRY a woman who's already proven she can't be a faithful wife?

 

Nope. Sex. Maybe some kind feelings...but they're not looking for a soulmate

 

Except when they are.

 

You are painting with a very broad brush here, aileD.

 

I absolutely intended to marry her. More to the point, she led me to believe that she wanted this too, and was heading in that direction.

[DKT3]

xOM here.

 

We met in our mid-forties, about 7 years ago now. I divorced immediately, she did not, and we spent the next 5 years struggling with whether she could, would, etc. until I finally gave up and walked away. We've had no contact now for 2 1/2 years.

 

I disagree with your assertion (expressed elsewhere) that resuming contact with him would be 'cruel' (to him).

 

Nonsense. He's a grown man, quite capable of deciding for himself whether or not to respond to your communication. If he want's NC, he will have it - that's not up to you.

 

Reaching out to him may well be ill-advised for other reasons, however. Especially if you value your marriage. Do you want to get over this man and move on with your husband or not? If so, i would have thought that continued contact with him can only impede doing so.

 

Warmly,

 

cloche

we all know her true motivation is to navigate the situation in a way that she can both stay married and continue some sort of relationship with OM. As long as she is in this mode she running on a thread mill, busting a$$ sweating and not going anywhere.

[Doorstopper]

The last time he wrote, I responded very briefly and with no flourish. I certainly don't grieve to him or tell him what I'm thinking or feeling. If he writes another quick and meaningless e-mail to me -- something like "Hope you had a great week" or whatever -- I'll try my darndest not to respond. But like you, I'm only human too. It's hard. I never thought I'd be in this position. Our emotional connection/flirtation was very short. I've never met him in person. It's crazy how these things can develop. I've had feelings for other men before in our marriage, but it's the reciprocation that makes this demonstrably different.

 

 

 

FWIW, this is not NC. He is sending you e-mails, you read them and respond. You need to take action so you don't read them. Set up a filter that send the the e-mail to trash, and block him from being able to text. He could continue to do this for months. You shouldn't put yourself n the position where you hear from him and have to decide not to respond. Of course it's not easy, but by leaving him the ability to contact you, you are making it harder for you.

 

Remember, NC is ..... NO CONTACT. He's got nothing to loose .... you might, regardless about how understanding your husband may be.

 

And as you alluded to above, you absolutely have to take everything you read with a grain of salt. Everyone's situation is different. If I listened to everything I was told, I'd be divorced, right now.

 

My situation has a lot of similarities to yours, though also has some differences. My wife had a 9 month EA, and suffered from untreated depression which ended up in a hospitalization 3 weeks after D-day. Fortunately, with help, a year later, MC and my IC are done; her IC continues, but we are in a much better place.

 

One final question: Are you sure your OM is single? It only took me a couple of hours after D-day for me to find out that the single man my wife had her EA with, was actually somewhat happily married, according to his wife, LOL

 

Be Strong and Good Luck!

Edited December 15, 2016 by Doorstopper

[CommittedToThis]

Back when I was a sparkling pup at the tender age of nineteen, I was an OM.

 

I worked in a remote location where, let's just say the pickings were slim as far as single women go.

 

There was a married woman who started flirting with me at the local bar, and over the course of a couple weeks of more intense communication, kissing, etc., she invited me to her house one night while her husband worked the night shift.

 

I went over to her house all super-nervous -- I'd slept with 2 women in my life at that point -- and she opens the door wearing a Victoria's Secret teddy-type bodice, whatever those awesome things are called. It was crotchless -- wow!

 

Well, we did the deed and I stupidly went home and told -- bragged? -- some of my friends about my conquest. One of those friends worked alongside her husband and told him about it.

 

The husband, who was a casual acquaintance, never said a word to me about it, but a few days later I saw the wife in the grocery store. She was wearing sunglasses, inside. I said, "Hi! Hey, I haven't seen you in a week, where have you been? I've missed you."

 

She said nothing, she simply removed her sunglasses so I could see both of her swollen, black-and-blue eyes.

 

I about died. I said nothing, and we never spoke again, nor did her H and I ever maintain anything more than professional courtesy. I moved to another state a year later.

 

To this day I am still incredibly ashamed and guilty for what I did. Yeah, I can "blame" it on being nineteen and horny, an older married woman wanting me for the thrill, but at the end of the day there is one fact:

 

The wife got beaten due to my decision to see her.

 

I still feel incredibly bad about it even though it was over 25 years ago. I have never once been with a married or otherwise taken woman since, and I never will, at least not knowingly.

 

So, yeah, for me being the OM was all about getting my sexual needs met, nothing more. I didn't want her to leave her H, I just wanted to get laid.

 

Pretty lame but it is what it is.

Edited December 15, 2016 by CommittedToThis

[aileD]

Wow what a crazy story!

[BoaConstrictor]

we all know her true motivation is to navigate the situation in a way that she can both stay married and continue some sort of relationship with OM. As long as she is in this mode she running on a thread mill, busting a$$ sweating and not going anywhere.

Snort. I'm glad you've got the sight to read my motivations, because I sure as hell don't. If you threw some empathy and a little more "what ifs" into your theory, you might be a good therapist.

 

Obviously brains recovering from crossing boundaries navigate towards cake eating once in a while. The desire to avoid pain is pretty hard wired in our DNA.

 

Running on a treadmill is a pretty good analogy for how my brain works. I can't deny that.

 

You know, at some level, I'm glad to fall into the proverbial basket of deplorables. You see, I was a pretty judgmental person in my younger years. But life has this way of showing you all the ways you suck. It's pretty amazing really. But I'm okay with it, because usually in life it's not a matter of if you muck it up and have to dig deep in your psyche to uncover the reasons why; it's when.

 

Or I guess there are those who make it through without screwing up or falling into addiction or depression or something else hard to deal with, but then they run the risk of becoming insufferably for other reasons.

[BoaConstrictor]

One final question: Are you sure your OM is single? It only took me a couple of hours after D-day for me to find out that the single man my wife had her EA with, was actually somewhat happily married, according to his wife, LOL

 

Be Strong and Good Luck!

Thanks. LOL to the "somewhat happily married" part.

 

No, ultimately I don't know. The only way to find out for sure would be to show up at his door unannounced. Haha. Ill-advised on many, many levels. Plus, I don't have his address. Plus, I'm not a stalker.

 

So I'll assume he isn't married...with a healthy dose of skepticism. His life story is actually pretty dramatic, so much so that when I told my husband about all this, he totally thought it was made up and used to entrap a vulnerable SAHM. I think he's telling the truth, but what do I know ultimately? Less than I give myself credit for.

 

Look, I'm no dummy. I am choosing my marriage, because....yeah, the grass is rarely greener. And I'm not a gusher, but I love my husband. Have for 14 years. My story is also primarily about untreated depression and the self-destructive things that it leads you to do. So I definitely sympathize with your wife.

[BoaConstrictor]

I still feel incredibly bad about it even though it was over 25 years ago. I have never once been with a married or otherwise taken woman since, and I never will, at least not knowingly.

 

So, yeah, for me being the OM was all about getting my sexual needs met, nothing more. I didn't want her to leave her H, I just wanted to get laid.

 

Pretty lame but it is what it is.

I'm usually of the opinion that, within reason, people get a pass or at least forgiveness for what they did prior to the age of twenty. Easier said than done, I know, but I think you should forgive yourself for what happened. If it hadn't been you, it would have likely been another teenager that she brought home.

 

And that probably wasn't the first time he had hit her.

 

But yeah, I can totally understand why you carry guilt around for that. I probably would too.

[BoaConstrictor]

xOM here.

 

We met in our mid-forties, about 7 years ago now. I divorced immediately, she did not, and we spent the next 5 years struggling with whether she could, would, etc. until I finally gave up and walked away. We've had no contact now for 2 1/2 years.

 

I disagree with your assertion (expressed elsewhere) that resuming contact with him would be 'cruel' (to him).

 

Nonsense. He's a grown man, quite capable of deciding for himself whether or not to respond to your communication. If he want's NC, he will have it - that's not up to you.

 

Reaching out to him may well be ill-advised for other reasons, however. Especially if you value your marriage. Do you want to get over this man and move on with your husband or not? If so, i would have thought that continued contact with him can only impede doing so.

 

Warmly,

 

cloche

Yes, you are indeed right about the NC and it being his choice. He has reiterated multiple times that he's a grown ass man.

 

No, reaching out is ill-advised. There's no doubt about that. The main reason I am seeking to be full NC is because of my marriage, but I find when I'm struggling, attacking the desire to contact him from all angles seems to help. That's kind of where I concocted that idea of mine that it's "cruel" to him.

 

Sorry, she didn't follow through on her promise to leave her husband. It sounds like you've handled it maturely. Do you have regrets about leaving your own marriage or was that the right decision regardless?

 

Thanks for telling your story, in large part because it deviates from the picture that has been painted here. At least based on words and proclamations alone, my story does too, but ultimately it doesn't matter, I guess.

[CommittedToThis]

I'm usually of the opinion that, within reason, people get a pass or at least forgiveness for what they did prior to the age of twenty.

 

Thanks, I pretty much feel the same way and I haven't spent the last 25 years ruminating about it. I was a kid and she wanted my lily-white azz and I went for it.

 

Ultimately it taught me the lesson to not get involved with anyone already involved. Not worth it. I was lucky the H didn't beat ME to a pulp, too, he was a big dude.

[CommittedToThis]

My story is also primarily about untreated depression

 

You know what they say about depression -- don't let it get you down.

 

Hoping you have sought or will seek treatment at some point.

[Chica80]

Can I ask why you reach out still? Is it that you still hope? Are you testing the waters to see if he'll respond? It does frustrate me a bit that NC holds for me and not him. Yes, of course I can always block him, which is probably what I'll have to do eventually.

 

 

 

Why do I keep coming back? HE has become a very integral part of my life. Our A is going on almost 2 years now. We have on periods, off periods and in between periods...mostly in between. Off mostly initiated by me. Off never been more than 2 weeks.

 

It's emotional as well as some physical. But I suspect the emotional is what draws me back. He supports me, encourages me to go after what I want...as far as career life etc. He listens gives me advice. After this amount of time he understands me. How I work, How I think what makes me tick, How I process things. I have a lot of friends, but a small circle of people who have been with me through this process. Who I turn to, rely on. He is one of them. If I need him, he shows up.

 

I in turn support him. He is a workaholic very ambitious, I listen to his work things, I know what things drive him. Why they do and what is important to him. What he wants to accomplish. So I provide encouragement that way.

 

It's that, that's what brings us back. The longer it goes on the harder it is to pull away. Sex is one thing but emotional attachment goes far beyond that.

 

If you have any more questions you can PM me. As I was MOW when this started....

Edited December 15, 2016 by Sunshinechica

[BoaConstrictor]

Man, I hate it when I'm wrong! Should have blocked him a few weeks ago. The mind games are hard.

 

Got a note this morning from OM saying that he's glad I've moved on but he hasn't so he's blocking me. Hard not to see it as goading, considering he could have just blocked me without telling me. That's probably something that someone who truly meant it would do.

 

I don't fault him for wanting to hurt me, and it feels like that's what he was doing. It's goading at best, hurting at worst. Hey, I have so much self-loathing at this point, I don't really blame him.

 

I have my own mental gymnastics and mental tricks but have rarely if ever shared them with the OM when we were still communicating. I have an open Word document in which vomit up all my thoughts now, many of which I also share with my husband.

 

For me, successfully going NC has been about tricking my brain into thinking, "It's not really permanent," even though intellectually I knew it was permanent. That's why blocks and nevers have been something that I've ignored, because they (probably non-paradoxically) created more of a pull and need in me. I can't imagine I'm the only one whose brain works that way.

 

For me the key is removing the tether and the addictive need, which is a process -- a damn hard process that defies logic. My therapist thinks it's about locating what need he filled in myself and finding something else to fill that need. I still don't know what removes the bond. I'm hoping it's just time.

[road]

 

For me the key is removing the tether and the addictive need, which is a process -- a damn hard process that defies logic. My therapist thinks it's about locating what need he filled in myself and finding something else to fill that need. I still don't know what removes the bond. I'm hoping it's just time.

 

 

 

It never removes the bond NC just allows the bond to fade so that you no longer notice it and forget about it. But it will forever be there. Many affairs restart because they allow NC to be broken which ignites the cravings for the addictive feelings that the affair and AP created.

 

 

Find out what needs you need filled and have your husband learn to fill them.

[carhill]

Good point. Unfinished business can be a bugger. On the topic, in my case, it took over a generation to finish it. However, in the OP's case, IIRC, they're getting professional help and I found that key to gaining the tools to finish the business. Some people have the tools naturally. I did not and was too stubborn to seek help as a young man. That was a mistake.

 

OP, shut this guy off. Block him. It's not coincidental that he's contacting you, similar to your statement about MM's contacting OW's. I understand that you may not understand why but that's because you're not a man. We take risks, we prosecute, kill, penetrate and procreate. We are the overt aggressors. Peacefully, most of the time but not always. His contact with you is a sign that he is acting as men normally do. Sure, his boundaries are off to most people, pursuing a married woman, but he's acting like men do in his pursuit. It's up to you to shut him down. It was far easier when I was a young OM and the options were in-person, mail or corded phone stuck to a wall or on a table. Still, I'd get phone calls from MW's at night while their H's and kids slept, right in the house, along with the usual pay phone stuff. Times are different now. IMO, be more proactive. Then, use the tools, or get them, to accept and resolve the attachment in your own mind. You'll get there.

[oldshirt]

 

 

I haven't noticed that many OMs floating around LS. Is it because more MM have affairs with unattached OW, or is it just cycles?

 

Either way, all you OMs out there who were unfortunate enough to fall for a married woman who did not want to leave her husband for you, here's you chance to tell me all the reasons why I should stay strong and let you go. []

 

I was a serial single OM back in my upper 20s.

 

The reason you don't see many single OM here is because people who write to forums usually have some kind of dilemma that they are trying to work through or have some kind of problem they want advice for.

 

Single OM don't have any problems and are not conflicted with anything. They are happy they are getting some extra NSA sex and are good with it.

 

Single OM do not "fall" for MW and the vast vast majority really do not want the MW to leave her husband. If the MW leaves the marriage, then she will want the OM to change her oil and unclog her toilet, rub her feet and kill spiders. Single OM want her to stop by their house for some hot monkey sex and then go home so her H can do all those other things.

 

If a single OM wanted a real relationship with all the trimmings, he would get a single woman.

 

 

As far as why you should let a single OM go, well that all depends on what your objectives are. If at the end of the day you want a full service relationship, then you should let him go because he is simply not full service relationship material and that is not his objective in seeing you.

 

But if your objective is to get some hot, sweaty monkey sex on the side in a completely NSA arrangement and keep your husband at home so you can tell him all of your problems tell him about all the people that have annoyed you during the day, and you want someone around to kill the spiders and unclog the toilet, then you are best off keeping the OM around.

 

cont.....

[oldshirt]

cont....

 

But here is the real risk - if your H finds out and decides to leave, then you will end up with neither because 99% of single OM are in it for the easy, no-effort, NSA sex.

 

Once you show up on his doorstep with a bunch of baggage and want him to start listening to all of your problems and rubbing your feet and killing spiders for you - he's going to lose interest real fast and start spending more time with his GF or finding another MW for the fun stuff that doesn't come with such a steep price tag.

 

The take away message here is Single OMs are in it for the NSA sex. They are not like single OW that are dreaming of moving into the manor and taking over as the lady of the house.

 

Single OM are all about the quick and easy sex that doesn't require any work or effort on their end. They don't want you leave the marriage. They don't want you for their wife and partner (after all, they know best of what you do when your H isn't looking)

 

When a MW screws a single OM, she is automatically taking off of his potential spouse list.

 

Single OMs are for quick, easy, hot sex. They really aren't good for anything else and they don't want anything else from the MW.

[DKT3]

Snort. I'm glad you've got the sight to read my motivations, because I sure as hell don't. If you threw some empathy and a little more "what ifs" into your theory, you might be a good therapist.

 

Obviously brains recovering from crossing boundaries navigate towards cake eating once in a while. The desire to avoid pain is pretty hard wired in our DNA.

 

Running on a treadmill is a pretty good analogy for how my brain works. I can't deny that.

 

You know, at some level, I'm glad to fall into the proverbial basket of deplorables. You see, I was a pretty judgmental person in my younger years. But life has this way of showing you all the ways you suck. It's pretty amazing really. But I'm okay with it, because usually in life it's not a matter of if you muck it up and have to dig deep in your psyche to uncover the reasons why; it's when.

 

Or I guess there are those who make it through without screwing up or falling into addiction or depression or something else hard to deal with, but then they run the risk of becoming insufferably for other reasons.

Haha, the way you intended to insult me is disgested in a manner that I'm not at all.

 

It's really not that complicated, cheating and affairs are never complicated. What you have is two paths and cheaters pick the one that they know they should not it's that simple.

 

You see one doesn't wake one morning as a married person is not love with someone who isn't thier spouse. Long before any feelings are involved you actively made a series of decisions that lead you here, those were decisions to cross boundaries and betray trust in those you claim to love.

 

Human behavior, actions and reactions are not as varied as the masses would like to believe, we do in fact follow distinct patterns. Understanding your motivation isn't complicated based on what you've written here for those who understands the patterns.

 

You're a bright woman, so you have to know that continuing contact only prolongs the pain of ending it and also places your marriage at greater risk. But your desire to maintain some sort of relationship is worth it, right?

[oldshirt]

 

Single OM are all about the quick and easy sex that doesn't require any work or effort on their end. They don't want you leave the marriage.

 

Now to be honest, many OM will be encouraging the MW to leave her H and telling her that her H isn't good enough for her and that she would be better off without him blah blah blah. That is pretty standard fare.

 

HOWEVER, he is not saying that because he wants to marry you and father and raise the rest of your children and live happily ever after with you.

 

It is because he wants to have even more access to the NSA hot monkey sex and erroneously thinks that if you leave your H, you will be living the wild and carefree single life and that you will be available to come over and ride him like a stolen horse more often without the H and the marriage getting in the way.

 

He really isn't taking into account that you will be wanting more out of him than simply more NSA wild monkey sex.

 

A single OM doesn't think beyond the monkey sex. Even if you were to leave the marriage.

 

That's a very important distinction to make. Many MW and OM themselves get confused over that part.

[BoaConstrictor]

Now to be honest, many OM will be encouraging the MW to leave her H and telling her that her H isn't good enough for her and that she would be better off without him blah blah blah. That is pretty standard fare.

 

HOWEVER, he is not saying that because he wants to marry you and father and raise the rest of your children and live happily ever after with you.

 

It is because he wants to have even more access to the NSA hot monkey sex and erroneously thinks that if you leave your H, you will be living the wild and carefree single life and that you will be available to come over and ride him like a stolen horse more often without the H and the marriage getting in the way.

 

He really isn't taking into account that you will be wanting more out of him than simply more NSA wild monkey sex.

 

A single OM doesn't think beyond the monkey sex. Even if you were to leave the marriage.

 

That's a very important distinction to make. Many MW and OM themselves get confused over that part.

 

Thanks. This is a compelling viewpoint. Although we have had one OM chime in here to dispute this narrative, it does make sense and is likely correct in most cases.

[BoaConstrictor]

Haha, the way you intended to insult me is disgested in a manner that I'm not at all.

 

It's really not that complicated, cheating and affairs are never complicated. What you have is two paths and cheaters pick the one that they know they should not it's that simple.

 

You see one doesn't wake one morning as a married person is not love with someone who isn't thier spouse. Long before any feelings are involved you actively made a series of decisions that lead you here, those were decisions to cross boundaries and betray trust in those you claim to love.

 

Human behavior, actions and reactions are not as varied as the masses would like to believe, we do in fact follow distinct patterns. Understanding your motivation isn't complicated based on what you've written here for those who understands the patterns.

 

You're a bright woman, so you have to know that continuing contact only prolongs the pain of ending it and also places your marriage at greater risk. But your desire to maintain some sort of relationship is worth it, right?

I wish I had your certainly about the predictability and simplicity of human behavior and motivations. I really do. But it belies what I've seen in myself and others over the years.