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I think I saw my son yesterday... that I never knew about

GCar

By GCar
in General Relationship Discussion

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LexiCat29 Established Member

LexiCat29

Posted
Posted
With you. There is no point fighting over it. It's tiring and annoying, to say the least. If people want to think that a father should have no role than so be it. I however, believe that my rights are just as valid as hers. She knew that I had no idea about him, she said that herself. I don't know why she would let me into his life a little bit (through pictures and fake letters) and not fully but that's what she did. So yes, I'm mad. Am I taking that out on her? No, not at all. I wasn't even mad until I got home, then I was pissed. Of course I'm pissed. It wasn't a misunderstanding. She didn't think I knew and wanted nothing to do with them. She KNEW I was totally unaware.

 

My fiancee is a separate issue. She isn't happy and made it clear that if I even MET with my sons mother she'd leave.

 

 

 

That's what I was told, that my name is on his birth certificate. All I can go by at this point is what I'm told. I don't think there would be a reason for her to lie? At some point I'd figure it out, right. I have no idea what the process is like. If she "forged" my signature then that's obviously messed up. That being said, he's my son - does it really matter?

 

I did ask her about a DNA test, just to be sure. She said she would allow one, but doesn't want our son to know what it's for and that she already knows the answer. She said I was her first and only person she slept with "for a long time". I might have one done, just so I don't wonder but I'm not sure.

 

 

 

She has already said that she doesn't want money. I offered, a large sum not far off from what you just noted, and she declined. She said they don't need it and she doesn't feel right taking it. Rather, to put it into an account for him to use for school.

 

And to whoever said it... No, I don't plan on falling in love with her. This isn't a movie.

 

Hey! I'm on your side! I love that you're going to meet your son. She was terribly hurt though..and the same way you want people to have mercy on your 17 year old self, have mercy on hers too. And since then, she's been trying to take care of her kid.

 

I'm sad that your fiancée can't handle it but it's her right to be shocked and upset.

 

Best of luck to you and your son. I mean that.

Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

Posted
Posted

Something to consider.. you are not the legal Father until your name is on the birth certificate.

She could not make you the legal Father without your knowledge and agreement at the time of birth.

Even if your name but no acknowledgment is on the BC you are still not the legal Father.

 

Only a paternity action at this point can make you the legal Father..

 

Time to consult an ATTORNEY

 

From google.. I can't link the URL, guideline issues

 

 

Paternity Law, Information and FAQ

Introduction: Paternity is defined as the quality or state of being a Father. The person wanting to establish Paternity can either be the Mother, Father, or child, depending on the individual desires of the parties involved. With science giving us more accurate testing, the matter of establishing paternity is easier and more reliable than in the past. DNA testing methods include SWAB Test and DNA Genetic Identity. DNA testing centers are easy to locate and the costs are reasonable. For this reason, most paternity matters are settled prior to trial. In addition, Complaints and Petitions to establish Paternity are now often routine and agreed to by all parties. The resulting child support and custody proceedings are also involved.

 

 

Children born to unwed persons do not automatically have a legal Father without a Paternity action establishing the identity of the Father, whether agreed or contested. Note: Some States allow the establishment of Paternity by the execution of an Acknowledgment of Paternity form without a formal Court action.

Reasons to Establish Paternity:

Identity: To provide the child with a needed identity.

Health: It is important to know the health history of both the Mother and Father for medical care and treatment of the child.

Support: It takes two to fairly support a child in today's world to the extent of their ability.

Benefits: Establishing Paternity allows the child to be covered by health insurance, social security, inheritance and veteran's benefits.

Public Assistance: Paternity also means the parties can seek public assistance where they qualify.

How to Establish Paternity:

 

  • Paternity Court Proceeding
  • Voluntary Acknowledgment of Parentage or Paternity (in some States).

How do you challenge Paternity:

 

  • Contested Paternity Action (Complaint to Establish Parental Relations or similar proceeding)
  • Revocation of Voluntary Acknowledgment (if within certain rules)

Paternity Proceedings:

 

  • Can be filed by the alleged Father, Mother, Child, or Child Support Division of the State.
  • Paternity testing can be ordered by the Court in most States. The Mother, Father and child can be ordered to submit to testing.
  • Testing can be by blood tests, swab test or other methods to obtain DNA samples.
  • Generally, testing is paid for by the Father if testing is positive, or the mother if testing is negative. The Parties may also agree to how the testing will be paid.

Birth Certificate: The Father will be shown on the birth certificate if he acknowledges paternity when or close in time to the birth, or the Court orders the birth certificate to be changed to reflect the Fathers name.

Child's Name: When the child is born, the Mother usually establishes the name of the child. If the Mother and Father acknowledge Paternity and complete the application for a birth certificate they can both choose the child's name. If the name is not established by this means, the Court can order the change of the child's name at any time.

Marital Status: Most paternity actions involve a child born out of wedlock. Paternity actions also occur between married persons where someone other than the Husband is the Father of the child, or where the Husband has fathered a child outside his marriage. There is a presumption that a child born to a married woman is the child of the husband. However, this presumption can be overcome by DNA and other evidence. In some states, the Mother and Husband can sign an "Affidavit of Denial of Paternity" where both agree that the Husband is not the Father of the child.

Age of Parents: Generally, the age of the parents does not matter and parents of any age can establish paternity.

Custody: Custody of a child can either be awarded to the Father or the Mother in Paternity actions, depending on the facts. Mothers receive custody more often but Fathers are being awarded custody under certain circumstances. The Parties may also sign an agreement addressing this issue that the Court may consider in awarding custody.

Child Support: Generally, the same rules that apply to child support in divorce actions, also apply to child support in Paternity actions. Either party can be ordered to pay child support to the other. Some Courts will also award back child support relating back to the date of birth or a specific number of years. The Parties may also sign an agreement providing for the payment of child support to be approved by the Court.

sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

Posted
Posted

 

If a grown adult is threatened by a old teenage relationship, especially one to that's it's evident that haven't spoken in 8 years...well IMO that's someone that isn't ready for marriage. Honestly, I think to be jealous of a teenage past is extremely disturbing.

 

 

Also the thinking someone isn't a "good catch" bc they have a child...is so bigoted...in the worst way, bc it's bigotry against a child, that's just awful!

 

Nonsense. Not wanting to date either a man or woman with a child, isn't bigotry. That doesn't even make sense. It can simply mean, not wanting the drama that comes with it. Nothing against the child at all.

 

You obviously don't know about all the affairs with high school sweethearts then. Anybody who has had a previous relationship (although this was a ONS) , could be a threat.

  • Like 1
sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

Posted
Posted
How can your name be on the birth certificate without your approval ??

 

You mean when my daughter was born I could have simply put on her birth certificate Mick Jaggar was the father! C'mon.

 

I thought this too.

 

In the UK, you can't put a father on the BC unless you're married. Otherwise anyone could put anyone down as the father.

PrettyEmily77 Established Member

PrettyEmily77

Posted
Posted

The mother may have confused the birth certificate with the declaration of paternity at hospital. Either way, he has a legal case if he wants one. A family member had to go through the process of recognition of paternity, and the judge ordered a paternity test.

 

Whether she asks for backdated childcare maintenance is up to her but I personally wouldn't fault her for that, and that wouldn't make her a bad person either - she wasn't the one initiating contact and she, too, is facing some challenging times and might to see how committed OP is this time round because her experience and memory of him is that he bailed on her in her hour of need. Also, she may have taken legal advice, which I wouldn't blame her for wither.

mikeylo Established Member

mikeylo

Posted
Posted

Among other things , since you shut her down at the very first go ,she backed off completely. When she was not heard, in her mind she decided what would work for her and what would not,without you.

 

Your anger is probably coming from the fact that she doesn't ' need' you and that is hurting your ego.

 

I guess their life will carry on the way it is ,without your drama. Your initial excitement has finished and now comes the hard part. You are going to repeat the same mistake that you did before.

 

In any case, she is stronger than you are.

 

I was with you till you brought up anger towards the mother.

  • Like 4
Mind-Chants Established Member

Mind-Chants

Posted
Posted (edited)
How can your name be on the birth certificate without your approval ??

 

You mean when my daughter was born I could have simply put on her birth certificate Mick Jaggar was the father! C'mon.

 

I think she might have listed him on the application but wouldn't have made it on to the actual birth certificate without his signature on a legal Acknowledgement of Paternity form.

 

GCar: Regardless you go ahead with the DNA test and ask for a copy of the birth certificate. If you guys are willing to go ahead and make up for the lost father-son time, seek some professional help (you take care of the expenses) to help the kid adjust with the changing parenting scene. Be responsible. Don't hold resentment towards her. It's very difficult to raise a kid alone without any support.

Edited by Mind-Chants
sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

Posted
Posted

Gcar,

 

I hope that you and your son can go on to develop a friendship and then a father /son relationship in time.

 

His mother probably didn't want it to seem like she was kicked to the curb by you, so she created a fantasy that you were interested in your son with the birthday and Christmas cards. Before you stay pissed about that, imagine how desperate she must have been to do that.

 

She could hardly tell him that you denied he was yours and said you wanted nothing to do with him when she told you she was pregnant.

 

There's a saying in my language, that literally translated means 'blood is strength'. There's a message in there, that you would discover your son at this time of year and instantlt have the gut instinct he was yours. Everything happens for a reason and maybe this is a time in your life you can handle it all.

 

No matter how peeved you are, think about how that 17 year old girl who really liked you for so long felt, when you blew her out back then. She may have secretly hoped you'd at least check up with her on how the termination went ..... but you never... and that was likely all the proof she needed that you didn't give a damn.

 

Think about how difficult it would have been for her to risk rejection from you a second time. So when we humans fear rejection, we stay away from the source of the pain. You were the source of pain for her. She was protecting her emotions.

 

So whilst we can't change the past, the fact that you've missed out on 8 years of his life, is 100% on you.

 

Just look to the future from now, but do some self reflection to stop you becoming angry and pissed with her.

 

I imagine now that you've met with her, you and your fiancée are on shaky ground as well.

 

This Christmas you can actually send him a card. Have a good Christmas and I hope it works out for you as best as possible.

  • Like 5
Lady2163 Established Member

Lady2163

Posted
Posted
Gcar,

 

I hope that you and your son can go on to develop a friendship and then a father /son relationship in time.

 

His mother probably didn't want it to seem like she was kicked to the curb by you, so she created a fantasy that you were interested in your son with the birthday and Christmas cards. Before you stay pissed about that, imagine how desperate she must have been to do that.

 

She could hardly tell him that you denied he was yours and said you wanted nothing to do with him when she told you she was pregnant.

 

There's a saying in my language, that literally translated means 'blood is strength'. There's a message in there, that you would discover your son at this time of year and instantlt have the gut instinct he was yours. Everything happens for a reason and maybe this is a time in your life you can handle it all.

 

No matter how peeved you are, think about how that 17 year old girl who really liked you for so long felt, when you blew her out back then. She may have secretly hoped you'd at least check up with her on how the termination went ..... but you never... and that was likely all the proof she needed that you didn't give a damn.

 

Think about how difficult it would have been for her to risk rejection from you a second time. So when we humans fear rejection, we stay away from the source of the pain. You were the source of pain for her. She was protecting her emotions.

 

So whilst we can't change the past, the fact that you've missed out on 8 years of his life, is 100% on you.

 

Just look to the future from now, but do some self reflection to stop you becoming angry and pissed with her.

 

I imagine now that you've met with her, you and your fiancée are on shaky ground as well.

 

This Christmas you can actually send him a card. Have a good Christmas and I hope it works out for you as best as possible.

 

That was the perfect way to put, Sandy. I think "Samantha" has really taken the high road and he has zero right to be pissed.

 

I can't help but wonder how many other women he's treated like crap. Hopefully, he is a better influence on his son.

  • Like 4
Springsummer Established Member

Springsummer

Posted
Posted

Maybe he should worship and eternally grateful for the woman. After all, if she went with his wishes/instructions, he won't have a son at all.

  • Like 1
LexiCat29 Established Member

LexiCat29

Posted
Posted
Gcar,

 

I hope that you and your son can go on to develop a friendship and then a father /son relationship in time.

 

His mother probably didn't want it to seem like she was kicked to the curb by you, so she created a fantasy that you were interested in your son with the birthday and Christmas cards. Before you stay pissed about that, imagine how desperate she must have been to do that.

 

She could hardly tell him that you denied he was yours and said you wanted nothing to do with him when she told you she was pregnant.

 

There's a saying in my language, that literally translated means 'blood is strength'. There's a message in there, that you would discover your son at this time of year and instantlt have the gut instinct he was yours. Everything happens for a reason and maybe this is a time in your life you can handle it all.

 

No matter how peeved you are, think about how that 17 year old girl who really liked you for so long felt, when you blew her out back then. She may have secretly hoped you'd at least check up with her on how the termination went ..... but you never... and that was likely all the proof she needed that you didn't give a damn.

 

Think about how difficult it would have been for her to risk rejection from you a second time. So when we humans fear rejection, we stay away from the source of the pain. You were the source of pain for her. She was protecting her emotions.

 

So whilst we can't change the past, the fact that you've missed out on 8 years of his life, is 100% on you.

 

Just look to the future from now, but do some self reflection to stop you becoming angry and pissed with her.

 

I imagine now that you've met with her, you and your fiancée are on shaky ground as well.

 

This Christmas you can actually send him a card. Have a good Christmas and I hope it works out for you as best as possible.

 

This. And also, she was probably protecting her child too. She had no reason to believe he wouldn't abandon his son too if he knew about him so she was trying to spare him the pain of being rejected (again) by his own father.

seren Established Member

seren

Posted
Posted

I know my situation was very different, but it relates to wanting the father of my son to be in his life. I was married to my son's father, he was a father for 4 yrs, then we split up due to his attitude to parenting. For a couple of years he had sporadic contact with his son, then he went to live in the States and dropped all contact. I forged Christmas cards, presents, Birthday Cards and anything that had my son believe he had a father who loved him and was interested in him. In hindsight, it was the wrong thing to do as it had my son believe he had a father who gave a damn. As he got older he figured out that it was Mum who was sending the presents and cards, it broke his heart that his father didn't want anything to do with him. But, by that time me and my H had got married and my son loved his stepfather and saw him as his Dad.

 

Some 28 yrs later my ex got in touch with my son and wanted to meet, they did and my son says he felt like a stranger and wanted nothing to do with him. I always just wanted my son to feel he was loved, that he wasn't just forgotten. My point is, you have been given a gift, the child your 17 yr old self wanted nothing to do with is there, your ex is hopefully on board with you and he having a relationship and you want that too. grab it with all that you have, the semantics don't matter, the right or wrong of it, doesn't matter, what matters is that if you and she can work together, if you are truly in this for the long haul and can work together, you have the most wonderful opportunity to be a father.

 

It will take careful handling, you cannot just steam in and be a father because you are biologically a father, you have to learn to be a Dad and that takes time, hard work and lots of love. It will not just happen, he might be resentful, he might be angry and he certainly will be suspicious. But, if you work with his mother to have the best outcome for your son, then the future can be so wonderful, there is no greater relationship than between a parent and child. I would work at his pace, don't expect to be able to say I want, when he might not, slowly, slowly does it. You and his mother need to decide a plan, stick to it, try also to remember she has done all this on her own, she is not your enemy, she has done what she did simply out of love for her child.

 

I hope it all works out, I hope you are able to be a Dad, being a father is easy, being a Dad is hard, for the long term and needs careful handling. I wish you all the very, very best xx (I would give anything for my ex to want to be in my son's life and for my son to want that too, but it was too little too late, he has a Dad, one that adores him and he him. For that I am truly happy).

  • Like 1
Whoknew30 Established Member

Whoknew30

Posted
Posted
Nonsense. Not wanting to date either a man or woman with a child, isn't bigotry. That doesn't even make sense. It can simply mean, not wanting the drama that comes with it. Nothing against the child at all.

 

You obviously don't know about all the affairs with high school sweethearts then. Anybody who has had a previous relationship (although this was a ONS) , could be a threat.

 

Yes it is...you're saying someone is considered less bc they had a child out of wedlock & can be considered "not a great catch" that kind of thinking the definition of bigoted.

 

I married my high school sweetheart & he had a long term gf before me...even in high school I didn't consider it a "big deal" bc 99.9% of the population dated someone before settling down, if a person can't handle that, they are not ready for marriage.

sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

Posted
Posted

 

I married my high school sweetheart & he had a long term gf before me...even in high school I didn't consider it a "big deal" bc 99.9% of the population dated someone before settling down, if a person can't handle that, they are not ready for marriage.

 

You've obviously missed my point entirely, but let's not t/j and stick to supporting the OP.

  • Like 1
ASG Established Member

ASG

Posted
Posted
I thought this too.

 

In the UK, you can't put a father on the BC unless you're married. Otherwise anyone could put anyone down as the father.

 

People have kids out of wedlock all the time... How the hell does the father's name go on the birth certificate? Someone I know had a child in the summer and only married a few weeks ago. I'm sure his name is on the BC.

LD1990 Established Member

LD1990

Posted
Posted
Yes it is...you're saying someone is considered less bc they had a child out of wedlock & can be considered "not a great catch" that kind of thinking the definition of bigoted.

 

I married my high school sweetheart & he had a long term gf before me...even in high school I didn't consider it a "big deal" bc 99.9% of the population dated someone before settling down, if a person can't handle that, they are not ready for marriage.

 

Holy sh*t you're actually comparing being with someone who was in a serious relationship to being with someone who has a kid? Give me a break. This guy's fiance is in a lousy spot. It's obvious why someone would prefer a partner without kids. If you're going to call that bigoted, you could call just about any dating preference on earth bigoted.

 

"You don't want to date that guy because he's homeless and doesn't have a job? That's bigoted!"

 

People can want whatever they want, doesn't make them a bigot.

 

People have kids out of wedlock all the time... How the hell does the father's name go on the birth certificate? Someone I know had a child in the summer and only married a few weeks ago. I'm sure his name is on the BC.

 

If they're not married, the father and mother have to both sign off on a paternity declaration, which is what happens often for children born out of wedlock (and is probably what occurred with your friend). If the father and mother don't agree, they take a paternity test.

 

Either the hospital screwed up by putting this guy's name on the birth certificate without his consent, the mother is lying, or the mother forged his signature.

  • Like 1
Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
Posted (edited)

I'm late to this thread, but I am in favor if you getting involved in your son's life now. That is very honorable of you. I would highly recommend getting the paternity test done, though, to dispell any doubt. And, I wouldn't worry too much about oweing back child support. A petition has to be filed in court requesting child support and an order be made (which you would have known about) before any child support is due. There is no back-dating. You're doing the right thing.

Edited by Popsicle
Lady2163 Established Member

Lady2163

Posted
Posted
Yes it is...you're saying someone is considered less bc they had a child out of wedlock & can be considered "not a great catch" that kind of thinking the definition of bigoted.

 

I married my high school sweetheart & he had a long term gf before me...even in high school I didn't consider it a "big deal" bc 99.9% of the population dated someone before settling down, if a person can't handle that, they are not ready for marriage.

 

I did just have a flash of sympathy for his fiancée. I'm guessing she is in her 20s and was mentally planning this great life with the OP. Kids, home etc. Now she's found out he has a son, he was a total jerk to the mother of the child.

 

If this had happened to me when I was engaged, it might have been, it probably would have been a deal breaker. We were struggling to make ends meet and seeing what little extra we had go for child support would have been a death knell. I don't think OP has that problem.

 

If this happened to me now, at 50, I'd still be pretty hesitant to get married. If I was seeing a man who didn't have children, who knew I couldn't have children and wasn't interested in adoption and he finds out he has an 8 year old child, while finances wouldn't be an issue now, time would.

 

Being a step mother is a life long job and it is a thankless one. Being a step parent at all is thankless. I don't know that I could sign on for that.

  • Like 2
PinkElephants Established Member

PinkElephants

Posted
Posted
They were teenagers, enough said. You can't hold how a teenage kid initial reaction to such big news.

Teenagers have choices and face consequences just like the rest of us. Some teenagers kill people and then go to prison; they don't get excused with an "oh, he was just being a teen" and let go. My friend ended up splattered on a hill at 17 because she drove drunk. Should physics somehow have not held her responsible for her actions because she was a teen?

 

Kids have sex. Kids get pregnant. Some act like the adults and some act like GCar.

 

So it's ok for a woman tell the man she supposedly loves not to do the right thing bc of her insecurity & still expect to be looked at as wife & mother material?

Absolutely not. In fact, I said that she shouldn't be allowed around his son if she's acting like this and that she's ineffectively, immaturely and, now, futilely attempting to hang on to a dream that can no longer exist: a future with a childless GCar. What I was getting at is that he could help the situation. He wants her to stand by his side but he won't stand by hers. She has two choices: get over it or get out.

 

GCar hasn't addressed my post and I suspect he'll continue to ignore it because he really wants to portray himself a certain way. In his mind he was a mixed up teen who behaved regrettably but has since grown up and desperately wants to make amends. He's willing to go slow, sell his house and if he has to sacrifice true love on the altar of parental responsibility then, by golly, he'll do it because that's just the selfless guy he is.

 

The truth is he was a teen who abandoned his hook up, never sought her out and moved on like she didn't exist because pregnancy was inconvenient. Now he's going to abandon his fiancee and move on like she doesn't exist because her frustration is inconvenient. He's attempting to solve his previous abandonment by abandoning someone else while arguing that he's grown up and learned from his initial act of abandonment. The lack of logic would be amusing if this wasn't such a sad situation.

 

His m.o. is to discard people who don't fit into whatever he's decided is right. I seriously doubt his ability to be a responsible, reliable parent because it means sticking around and being there for a person who will absolutely frustrate and disappoint you. GCar hasn't demonstrated the ability to do that.

 

It's too bad for his fiancee that he feels no need to honor his commitments and that he's about to dump her for not doing something that he's incapable of doing in return. Hopefully he'll take a good look at why he views people as disposable before attempting to be a parent.

  • Like 3
ASG Established Member

ASG

Posted
Posted

Hmmm... I don't know re: OP's fiance. The way I read it, and I could be wrong, SHE gave him an ultimatum, that if HE even MET with his supposed baby momma, that she would walk.

 

I don't know about you, but that doesn't really sound like HE's abandoning her, but more that SHE is abandoning him. Because it's a very clear line on the sand that if he even attempted any contact, she would be done.

 

What is he supposed to do? Go.. "oh yeah, you're right, I have a child but I'm gonna continue to be a jackass and ignore that fact because you're not happy about it"??

 

So in this case, it doesn't look to me like he thinks she's disposable, she's just making things incredibly hard for their relationship (and I kinda get it. She's gotten the raw end of the deal here and it's not an easy thing to process or deal with, however, it's also not his fault)

Robert Established Member

Robert

Posted
Posted

Moderation here....

 

Let's keep the posts helpful and on topic, helping the thread starter with the issue they are dealing with is where you will make the most impact with your words, bullying and making yourself feel better by taking pot shots at him isn't the way to help someone.

 

No cleanup has been done yet,

 

Thanks

sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

Posted
Posted
People have kids out of wedlock all the time... How the hell does the father's name go on the birth certificate? Someone I know had a child in the summer and only married a few weeks ago. I'm sure his name is on the BC.

 

To clarify. ......

 

I meant that you can't put the father's name down, unless he also comes along to register the birth. Only married people can register the birth on their own and put both parents on the BC.

  • 4 weeks later...
Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted

 

My fiancee is a separate issue. She isn't happy and made it clear that if I even MET with my sons mother she'd leave.

 

 

 

 

She has already said that she doesn't want money. I offered, a large sum not far off from what you just noted, and she declined. She said they don't need it and she doesn't feel right taking it. Rather, to put it into an account for him to use for school.

 

And to whoever said it... No, I don't plan on falling in love with her. This isn't a movie.

 

GCar, any update?

 

I'm curious how any and all of these relationships turned out. Also wondering what happened if/when you met your son. Let us know if you're comfortable discussing...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 1
  • Author
GCar Member

GCar

Posted
  • Author
Posted
GCar, any update?

 

I'm curious how any and all of these relationships turned out. Also wondering what happened if/when you met your son. Let us know if you're comfortable discussing...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

My fiancee made the decision leave. She decided that she couldn't deal with me having a relationship with my son, or a co-parenting type relationship with his mother. She gave me an ultimatum, her or my son, and didn't like my answer.

 

On Christmas my son's mother gave him a Christmas card from me, a real one this time. She told him that I moved back (previously told him I lived far away) and that if he wanted to talk to me or see me that could be arranged. He asked if I was going to come over for Christmas dinner. Neither of us were comfortable with that first meeting. She gave him a reason why I couldn't but said he could meet me the next day if he wanted to.

 

We met at a park, he said hi and kept doing what he was doing. It wasn't a big deal to him. He just played and asked me to go with him (and his mom too). It was more awkward between his mom and me than me and him. I wasn't sure how to act, she said to just be natural and if I did something wrong she would correct me.

 

I have spent time with him 6 times over the last 4 weeks. Right now we are only spending time together if he says that he wants to. I don't want to force anything. It's hard to hold back on getting to know him all at once. I missed a lot and I have the urge to learn everything but it has to happen slowly. I haven't spent time alone with him yet, which is ok. He knows that I'm his dad, but I'm not his dad (in the way his mom is his mom). There is a local church that is 90% blacks, she takes our son there even though she isn't religious for the culture. He asked me to go so tomorrow I'll be doing that with them. The funny thing is I have been there a few times for random events and there were a lot of kids there, he could have been there.

 

His mom is having a harder time than he is. She isn't use to "sharing" him and letting someone else in his life. She doesn't want to lose time with him but knows she needs to encourage time spent with me. I live next to his school so at some point, when he is comfortable with it, she will let me pick him up from school. We will come up with a schedule later. We have been trying to get to know each other but she has walls that nearly indestructible. She asks me questions and she is learning things about me but it's not really going both ways. At some point hopefully she will open up.

 

I don't regret my decision at all.

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seren Established Member

seren

Posted
Posted

I am so happy for you all, sounds like you and his Mom are working things out just right. Of course she is apprehensive, you son sounds like he is a level headed young man, children are so amazingly resilient. I hope it all continues to work out as it has started to, sorry about your fiancee, but you would have needed her to understand your situation, once you make their bond with your son, never, ever let him down and never ever miss a meeting with him, unless you can help him and have discussed it with him. I wish you all the very best of times ahead, you will have bumps along the road, but that just goes with being a parent. xx

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