Will I ever be his #1?

[Foreverago]

You'll need to remind yourself repeatedly that you're playing with fire and the only one risking being burned over and over is you.

 

Cool to flowers and tickets, he's letting you know what he's willing to pay to buy your continuation for being used. Good on you for not falling for it even though you wanted to.

 

Honestly, change your number. Give yourself a clean slate. I know it's a pain to deal with but wouldn't the freedom of not wondering what his voicemails sounded like be great? Blocking isn't enough, I have a smart phone as well and blocked a certain harassing family member and they found ways around it. A extra work of a phone number change is worth it.

 

If he wants to prove it to you, he can do the work for it by filing for divorce. You're worth more than flowers and tickets. Come on now.

[sandylee1]

[quote=jennifernyc84;7170128

 

he's addicted to me, and I'm using that against him!

 

Can you believe that? Trying to turn the tables on me.

 

This is a completely new game and low for even him.

 

I do believe he's addicted to the easy access he's had to you for the past 4 years. Affairs can be addictive. If his wife is tired and not up to sex, there's always been you ..... until now. He can't believe he's hard/horny and Jenn isn't playing ball..

 

So in the absence of being able to offer you a serious non secret relationship, he tries this emotional crap on you. That your using his addiction against him. Talk about manipulation.

 

I suggest you leave a voicemail on your phone (until you sort out the technicalities), saying not to leave messages, as their is a fault and you aren't receiving any voicemails.

 

People should call or text you and you know he can't as he's blocked.

 

He's trying to break you down. Don't let him. Stop listening to the message and delete immediately. He's trying to lovebomb you back into the affair.

 

How very selfish of him and does he think your worth in life is to be a mistress forever? That says a lot you know.

 

Don't cave in.

[ASG]

Then what's the point of block if you still get a voice message? I thought the whole point of blocking was so their number is blocked and they cannot get through, including leaving a vm. Please check with your cell provider about this.

 

Nope, blocking a number only makes it go straight to Voicemail. And it will still show up on your phone logs, as a rejected call. Some people can't deactivate voicemail. I know I rely on it for work quite a lot. You won't get text messages, though.

 

Not sure whether you can block numbers at the provider or not. Don't think I can with mine, but it's a different one..

[aileD]

Nope, blocking a number only makes it go straight to Voicemail. And it will still show up on your phone logs, as a rejected call. Some people can't deactivate voicemail. I know I rely on it for work quite a lot. You won't get text messages, though.

 

Not sure whether you can block numbers at the provider or not. Don't think I can with mine, but it's a different one..

 

With sprint you can. I did it to OWs # through the A with my H.

 

Go on your provider website. Most places will let you do it online.

 

I could block the # from texts too

[waterwoman]

He knows what he needs to do if he wants to be with you. It's a simple choice, not an easy one but simple none the less.

[jennifernyc84]

And it's made me cringe 100 times so far. so much great advice was given to me and I did the opposite of it all. I did everything I didn't want to do.

 

I was actually thinking of calling him, but decided to read through the old posts and changed my mind.

 

PATHETIC!

[jah526]

And it's made me cringe 100 times so far. so much great advice was given to me and I did the opposite of it all. I did everything I didn't want to do.

 

I was actually thinking of calling him, but decided to read through the old posts and changed my mind.

 

PATHETIC!

 

Really? Did you break no contact? I've been trying to think of it this way - every time I break no contact, the clock resets and I have to start over.

[jennifernyc84]

Really? Did you break no contact? I've been trying to think of it this way - every time I break no contact, the clock resets and I have to start over.

 

No I haven't broken no contact. I was reading old posts and emails and just thinking about how dumb I was.

 

He has called me and left some voicemails and emails but I haven't responded.

[aileD]

Delete it all. Throw away your drugs!

 

It's like an alcoholic leaving a bottle of vodka in the cabinet and going back to stare at it over and over. Eventually something will happen and they'll open it and eff up their sobriety.

 

Get all the booze out!

[jennifernyc84]

Delete it all. Throw away your drugs!

 

It's like an alcoholic leaving a bottle of vodka in the cabinet and going back to stare at it over and over. Eventually something will happen and they'll open it and eff up their sobriety.

 

Get all the booze out!

 

Idk, I kinda like being reminded of how much of an a** hole he has been to me. In case I feel myself slipping.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Idk, I kinda like being reminded of how much of an a** hole he has been to me. In case I feel myself slipping.

 

Send everything to an old email you don't use much and not on your phone. One day you may need it to prove your side. Trust me on that part. But definitely get it off your phone and main email.

[jennifernyc84]

Send everything to an old email you don't use much and not on your phone. One day you may need it to prove your side. Trust me on that part. But definitely get it off your phone and main email.

 

Nothing to hide or prove on my part. I personally don't care who knows. He's the one that wanted secrecy. If she were to ask me I'd tell her straight out. When she confronted me in the passed, I didn't beat around the bush, I told her. Yes, I'm sleeping with him, yes, I love him.

 

Nothing to hide here at all and nothing to prove.

[whichwayisup]

No I haven't broken no contact. I was reading old posts and emails and just thinking about how dumb I was.

 

He has called me and left some voicemails and emails but I haven't responded.

 

BLOCK his email. Why haven't you done that yet?

[elaine567]

I don't think there is anything wrong with Jen reading her old threads and posts and listening to the advice posted and taking heed this time.

It has apparently done her good and pointed her in the right direction.

[PinkElephants]

How will their (his and his wife's) friends be to you?

This really caught my attention. Jen, you're my age and I actually have some experience with this part of it.

 

In the last couple years I've met a friend group that's been together for a long time. In it there's a WBF and his exBGF. He was caught cheating and she dumped him. She's now happily married to a really hot, sweet guy and they have kids. Her husband was immediately and enthusiastically welcomed.

 

The former cheating BF is still with the OW. 8 years later he still hasn't married her. 8 years later he still doesn't live with her. 8 years later the friends still hate her. I still don't know her name because everyone calls her "Bob's girlfriend". The wives and girlfriends wrinkle their noses in disgust when they talk about her. The guys don't mention her at all.

 

I've never met her because she's never invited to anything. She will never be anything more than the wh0re and no one will accept her no matter how long they stay together.

 

You don't sound like you need any more motivation to cut him off but if you do please know that it won't be all sunshine and roses if you do wind up together. Everyone in the group is so happy and supportive of each other; they have holiday parties, throw baby showers and call each other regularly but she'll forever be standing on the lawn with her nose pressed to the window. Looking in but never invited. Watching others happily walk in but never allowed to follow. It's sad. I hope you want more for yourself.

[PinkElephants]

I've got something that he wants and I'm not supplying it.

 

What I'm trying to say is, I for once, feel like I'm the one calling the shots.

 

I broke up with him, I stopped taking his calls, texts, emails, social media, I turned down his big night out. I didn't think I'd ever be able to do these things.

Keep it up!

 

It'll be so empowering to end it on your terms rather than being sucked in to lose more years or be dumped and left writhing in pain.

 

You may not be his #1 but you can be to someone else. Now you have the opportunity to go find that guy

[imsosad]

Pink Elephant,

Your friends have a problem with Bob's girlfriend,but have no problem with Bob himself?

You know, the one who actually committed the cheating?

Your friends should really grow up and update their views a little bit.

If they are so dead against cheating, Bob should have been kicked out from the group years ago. Sounds like they're cool with cheaters,as long as they are men.

[elaine567]

Pink Elephant,

Your friends have a problem with Bob's girlfriend,but have no problem with Bob himself?

You know, the one who actually committed the cheating?

Your friends should really grow up and update their views a little bit.

If they are so dead against cheating, Bob should have been kicked out from the group years ago. Sounds like they're cool with cheaters,as long as they are men.

 

I don't think that is an uncommon attitude.

He was just "being a man", and no doubt his men friends treat him no differently, but she is an outsider and a "conniving witch" to boot, who may steal their men, so she is best avoided and ostracised from the group.

Married women tend to not like an "OW" around their men.

 

Some don't even like a single women hanging around and that may mean divorcees or even widows. A "single woman" can alter the dynamics of a happily married group, so she may not be tolerated. She may just find her invites dry up.

Edited December 28, 2016 by elaine567

[imsosad]

I don't think that is an uncommon attitude.

He was just "being a man", and no doubt his men friends treat him no differently, but she is an outsider and a "conniving witch" to boot, who may steal their men, so she is best avoided and ostracised from the group.

Married women tend to not like an "OW" around their men.

 

Some don't even like a single women hanging around and that may mean divorcees or even widows. A "single woman" can alter the dynamics of a happily married group, so she may not be tolerated. She may just find her invites dry up.

I get what you're saying,Elaine, but I feel that it shouldn't be accepted as fact. It is a common view, but having a slave was once common. The post pretty much labeled the OW as a whore, without offering any critisism towards this double standard.

[elaine567]

I get what you're saying,Elaine, but I feel that it shouldn't be accepted as fact. It is a common view, but having a slave was once common. The post pretty much labeled the OW as a whore, without offering any critisism towards this double standard.

 

I definitely agree it is a huge double standard, but I guess it may be difficult if not impossible to persuade a group of married woman who are friends with a BGF, to accept the WBF's OW as a bosom buddy and a valued member of their clique.

Slavery did not have "morality" on its side, ostracising a former OW would still be seen by many as "moral" and as "keeping up the standards"...

[Foreverago]

It has the double standard, because right or wrong, mistresses are considered a moral infection. A flu, if you will. She is contagious and that's why the MM cheated, he was infected by the lusts. Look at how often it's only the OW blamed from the affair. She (rarely a he) is the easiest person to blame for everything without fallout. She can't be trusted not to infect the rest of the group is the mentality. The women of the group will always side eye her and the men usually don't care enough either way.

 

It sucks, because we are all just human here, but it's the societal dynamics and when you engage in an affair, you are breaking the top layer of society rules. Those who break those rules get punished for it by rejection. Is it mature? No, not really. But neither is the affair so pot and kettle that.

 

Plus, there's two more dynamics at play:

if the group are all friends with each other, that's another layer of expecting a friend to betray another friend and that's a no no for a lot of people. There is a whole section of humanity where loyalty is actually a strong character trait.

 

And, lastly, there's also the people who hate drama. The mistress stands for a whole lot of drama for not enough reward to want to know her.

[Foreverago]

And actually I have a perfect example of this. Take Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. They were together 7-8 years before she filed for divorce? If you read gossip posts, people were still tearing her alone apart over the affair even though it's about their divorce, they have kids together and were married. Something that was a long ass time ago and none of the general population know them personally, a huge amount of people are still angry with her over the mistress tag.

 

People were wishing her unhappiness. Is it fair? Hell no. The MM is the biggest person to blame, but for now, this is what people deal with in affairs. The mistress gets leftovers and even when she "wins" the man, she still gets to deal with attitude.

 

I'm sure there are some happy endings but majority rules for the majority.

[gettingstronger]

I definitely agree it is a huge double standard, but I guess it may be difficult if not impossible to persuade a group of married woman who are friends with a BGF, to accept the WBF's OW as a bosom buddy and a valued member of their clique.

Slavery did not have "morality" on its side, ostracising a former OW would still be seen by many as "moral" and as "keeping up the standards"...

 

 

I have to agree here- in social groups its usually the men accepting the men, the women accepting the women- sure the women may think the cheating husband is a jerk but they accept him if the men accept him (which they usually do)- for women, a woman that sleeps with another womans guy is an outcast, so they women won't easily accept her and therefore neither will the men-

Not really a double standard per se- just gender differences on what is acceptable and what is not-women tend to hold each other to different standards than men do-

[BTDT2012]

I called him. I told him that I didn't want to see him. Like sandy suggested, I am trying to find my anger. He begged and pleaded on the phone, he faked some tears and spit out some promises.

 

I called him just about every name in the book. And hung up.

 

The tears are streaming down my face as I type this. I'm mad at myself for turning him down. I don't know how I could do this to him

You did this for YOU, not to him. You should be very proud of yourself.

[jennifernyc84]

You did this for YOU, not to him. You should be very proud of yourself.

 

Thanks. You're so right. I cannot tell you how good I've been feeling. I don't even feel like I miss him anymore. I don't hate him, but I don't feel like I need him either.

 

I feel relieved that he's out of my life. I've blocked him everywhere he can be blocked. And I've decided to start dating again. Like single guys lol.

 

2017 will officially be the year that I got over Josh. I've never felt like this in almost 22 years.

 

I don't need him. I don't even want him. He's a dirty, perverted, disgusting cheating pig.

 

I will find a guy who feels for me the same way I feel for him. That's how a relationship should be. It should be about caring, respecting, loving unselfishly, and being there for one another.

 

I'm so sorry I ever let myself go through this. It never should have gone this far. So many years wasted. I could have been someone's wife. Someone deserving. I could have been a mom. He never let me stop him from being a husband or a dad. Why would be rob me of that? Because he's a selfish thief. I wouldn't wish him on my worse enemy.

 

She could have him.

 

As a matter of fact, I hope she finds out what a conniving man she has as a husband. She can do so much better.

 

Anywho,.....

 

Happy new year to me!! Feeling so positive