Will I ever be his #1?

December 21, 2016

Hi all.

Today was nice, catching up with family.

I'm still feeling empowered, but a little jealous that he gets to spend Christmas all happy, exchanging gifts with her and their son, while I'm here, trying to steal a few moments here and there, that don't sting so bad.

I know this sounds absolutely horrible and childish of me, but right now I don't care how I sound. I want to rip his world to shreads. I want him to feel the pain that I have felt. I want every part of him to hurt so badly, and have him know that the only thing that can stop that pain, is the same thing that's causing it.

I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I promised that I wouldn't be so weak anymore. I want revenge.

Is what I'm feeling normal/common? Is this part of the process? I know it isn't right.

December 21, 2016

My Ex Wife asked me how I felt about her after the divorce. My response, "Honey, you're just version 1.0 and I just upgraded".

That's my mentality. Did I find someone else? Nope. I gained my freedom. And that was an upgrade to me.

December 21, 2016

Yes it is normal to feel like taking revenge. Somebody once wrote that Revenge is a dish best served cold. Pause and think about how many others you would be tearing to shreds and if they deserve it. Seriously, it is childish to want to destroy others because of what you have done.

You and MM put yourselves into the A. His family didn't choose to be.

Poppy.

December 22, 2016

Hi all.

Today was nice, catching up with family.

I'm still feeling empowered, but a little jealous that he gets to spend Christmas all happy, exchanging gifts with her and their son, while I'm here, trying to steal a few moments here and there, that don't sting so bad.

I know this sounds absolutely horrible and childish of me, but right now I don't care how I sound. I want to rip his world to shreads. I want him to feel the pain that I have felt. I want every part of him to hurt so badly, and have him know that the only thing that can stop that pain, is the same thing that's causing it.

I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I promised that I wouldn't be so weak anymore. I want revenge.

Is what I'm feeling normal/common? Is this part of the process? I know it isn't right.

Yes with the newness of ending everything, this emotion is totally normal.. you are hurting and you are angry, you are imagining him running off into the sunset happy as can be with her at his side while your heart is in shreds on the floor..... focus on your healing and not your next move with or for him..

But again I think all of us OW have at one time or another had that same vision as you are having.. eventually you will stop caring what he is or isn't doing and that is relief beyond him suffering with you.

December 22, 2016

It's not that I care what he's doing. (Ok, maybe I do a little)

But I feel it's not fair for him to just go back to his life like nothing ever happened, and I'm struggling for any bit of "happiness" I can find day to day.

I understand that I am responsible for my own actions, but shouldn't he pay a little too? He was the one that started all this. He knew how I felt about him. He played me. He saw an opportunity and he took it.

I can't believe he would do that. I didn't ever think he would do that to me. He said he loved me. I really believed him.

December 22, 2016

What you are thinking about doing is telling his wife isn't it?

Because he should suffer too right?

But The deeper reason you want to tell her is because it will draw HIM back int your world

This is your heart trying to sabotage you. Don't let it.

She didn't win. She's got a cheating husband.

Don't get drawn back in.

December 22, 2016

What you are thinking about doing is telling his wife isn't it?

Because he should suffer too right?

But The deeper reason you want to tell her is because it will draw HIM back int your world

This is your heart trying to sabotage you. Don't let it.

She didn't win. She's got a cheating husband.

Don't get drawn back in.

You are absolutely right.

I want him to suffer but if he were to call me and say he's single right now, I'd jump right to it.

And it's true,. He's a lying cheating pig. I know she didn't really win. But she's got something that I want.

I see him giving her the life I want. I did not want the life he has given me.

I don't enjoy watching him take care of his family while I'm all alone.

During hurricane sandy. I was all alone for the worse storm the city has ever had. I lost power for 3 or 4 days. I was scared. He was there to comfort her. But not me. I didn't even get a phone call.

There were lots of things like that.

I get the horny guy who likes to act out his fetishes and have rough, hard, fast sex. while she gets the gentle loving man I've always wanted.

Best of both worlds for him. I'm starting to realize that now. I didn't before because I was so drunk in love. But I'm seeing it now. Does it still hurt? Oh god yes! Worse than it ever did. That's what makes me so mad. He's not even hurting at all. Neither is she.

Only me. I don't feel like it's fair.

December 22, 2016

Thoughts of revenge, of contacting his wife, etc. are absolutely normal. But as others here have already said; don't act upon them. If you do, you will regret it later - all of us here *know* this.

aileD is spot on; both in her observation that your underlying motivation for contacting her is as a pretext for re-engaging with him - this is the addiction exerting its grip on you - as well as her observation that neither he nor she has in any way 'won' anything.

Moreover, he's hurting too right now - badly so - but the two of you can do *nothing* to soothe one another without ultimately perpetuating it and so making matters worse. Nothing, that is, other than continued and committed NC.

Instead, hold onto this thought: with this experience eventually behind you, you will find that you are in a *much* better place than he is; free to move on, your dignity intact, wiser about yourself, your strength, what you want in life, etc. and *in a position to go find it*.

He, however, will likely not. He's f**d up his life badly, lost his opportunity to move forward with you, raised his marriage to the ground, yet must now live amongst its rubble *every single day*.

I would not trade places with this man for anything in the world.

Edited December 22, 2016 by cloche

December 22, 2016

You are absolutely right.

I want him to suffer but if he were to call me and say he's single right now, I'd jump right to it.

And it's true,. He's a lying cheating pig. I know she didn't really win. But she's got something that I want.

I see him giving her the life I want. I did not want the life he has given me.

I don't enjoy watching him take care of his family while I'm all alone.

During hurricane sandy. I was all alone for the worse storm the city has ever had. I lost power for 3 or 4 days. I was scared. He was there to comfort her. But not me. I didn't even get a phone call.

There were lots of things like that.

I get the horny guy who likes to act out his fetishes and have rough, hard, fast sex. while she gets the gentle loving man I've always wanted.

Best of both worlds for him. I'm starting to realize that now. I didn't before because I was so drunk in love. But I'm seeing it now. Does it still hurt? Oh god yes! Worse than it ever did. That's what makes me so mad. He's not even hurting at all. Neither is she.

Only me. I don't feel like it's fair.

Harsh truth: Even if you tell her she will STILL have soemthing you want because he is not going to choose you. He continuously has not chosen you.

You will end up with hatred from him which will hurt you even more and delay your healing

It will bring more drama into your life and make you feel more worthless than you do, because he is going to choose his family over you.

Let it go. You're free, don't bring chaos back

The best revenge is living well.

December 22, 2016

I get the horny guy who likes to act out his fetishes and have rough, hard, fast sex. while she gets the gentle loving man I've always wanted.

Yes not uncommon, you thought you were giving him just what he wanted in bed so that he would choose you, the sexually adventurous one; but he was only using you to act out his fantasies, the stuff his wife wouldn't do or he wouldn't ask her to do as those things do not befit "a wife".

Seems to me that many married men like rough sex with their OW. They like the feeling of hurting her, the power it gives them and whilst some are just expressing their sexuality, I think some may enjoy it because it has a deeper and darker meaning for them.

Guilt, frustration, revenge, power, misogyny etc. are things perhaps that can only really be expressed for some in the confines of a secret relationship with a woman who will accept almost anything to have him in her life.

The OW often reports that her MM is "cruel" to her, I think in many cases it is intentional.

December 22, 2016

Best of both worlds for him. I'm starting to realize that now. I didn't before because I was so drunk in love. But I'm seeing it now. Does it still hurt? Oh god yes! Worse than it ever did. That's what makes me so mad. He's not even hurting at all. Neither is she.

Only me. I don't feel like it's fair.

The question to ask yourself is this:

Is he not hurting because he just went back to his "happy life", or is he not hurting because he is INCAPABLE of the depth of emotion you have? I mean - this is a guy who thinks nothing of using you, then going back and lying to his family, living a completely double-life. No guilt or remorse. No pain over all the people he is hurting and lying to. He just got what he wanted and didn't care.

If he is a sociopath or has an extremely low EQ, he just may not feel this kind of pain.

So getting revenge wouldn't hurt him. It would just put a temporary nail in the road he'd have to drive over. Then he would beg his wife for forgiveness, lie to her, make promises, and go back to her. Or he'd move on and find some new honey to lie to. OR - WORST CASE OF ALL - he'd run to you AND find some new honey to lie to YOU about. Because you know he would. You'd never trust him.

He will NEVER be who you want him to be.

You have to understand that it would be the worst case scenario for him to run to you.

And you have to get to a place where if he did, you would tell him to go away. I know it hurts. But you have to go through it.

December 22, 2016

Oh but yes - wanting revenge is perfectly normal.

You need to redirect yourself and find other things to focus on. He's not worth your energy.

December 22, 2016

You are absolutely right.

I want him to suffer but if he were to call me and say he's single right now, I'd jump right to it.

And it's true,. He's a lying cheating pig. I know she didn't really win. But she's got something that I want.

I see him giving her the life I want. I did not want the life he has given me.

I don't enjoy watching him take care of his family while I'm all alone.

During hurricane sandy. I was all alone for the worse storm the city has ever had. I lost power for 3 or 4 days. I was scared. He was there to comfort her. But not me. I didn't even get a phone call.

There were lots of things like that.

I get the horny guy who likes to act out his fetishes and have rough, hard, fast sex. while she gets the gentle loving man I've always wanted.

Best of both worlds for him. I'm starting to realize that now. I didn't before because I was so drunk in love. But I'm seeing it now. Does it still hurt? Oh god yes! Worse than it ever did. That's what makes me so mad. He's not even hurting at all. Neither is she.

Only me. I don't feel like it's fair.

I know how you feel. Even though we ended a year ago (I ended it) there was a D-day a few days ago and he threw me under the bus and made it seem like I was the pursuer. Right now I'm honestly feeling a bit vengeful and also angry yet wistful for our time together.