Will I ever be his #1?

[cloche]

Jennifer - just wanted you to know that I have found this entire thread of yours more helpful than you could possibly know. I've been reading and re-reading your thoughts and other's responses when I find my own thoughts returning to things along the lines of 'maybe if I had stuck it out longer,...', and 'if only I had X...then she might have Y...', and so on, and reconnecting with my own anger at her bad behavior and how I allowed it - colluded with her, in fact.

 

Thank you. And please, please, keep writing.

[jennifernyc84]

I feel good about this. It's like a breath of fresh air. A weight has been lifted off of me. I feel like I could do this.

 

I think I needed to feel the extreme amount of pain for me to realize that the pain is not the end of the world. The pain doesn't mean you're dying. It's a sign that you're still alive. And as long as there is breath in your body, you've got a chance.

 

I told her (younger me) that she hasn't done anything wrong. In fact, I apologized for not taking better care of her. I told her that I loved her and wanted nothing but the best for her. I told her I know that her friend Josh means a lot to her and that making him happy is all she wanted to do, but it was never her job to keep him happy. I told her that making him happy would hurt a lot of people including herself. I told her that she grows up to be smart, successful, beautiful inside and out, and she has her own apartment in New York City. How cool is that! I told her she isn't a bad person. She's done a bad thing but that doesn't define who she is. I told her to stop blaming herself. I told her not to be afraid. I told her to be strong and not to cry anymore. I promised her that I'd take better care of her, and I promised her her OWN happy ending. One that wouldn't hurt other people in the process. I promised her that from now on she could trust me. I told her that it was time to put childish things away and become a woman.

 

 

When I was a kid, I don't know, maybe around 6 or 7. My aunt was playing around with me, and my brother and sister and our cousins. She had us all write out essays about what we wanted to be when we grew up and why. I wrote down that I wanted to be a princess. Because everyone would have to listen to me and do whatever I said.

 

Then my aunt told me that I couldn't become a princess. That it wasn't a real job. And I remember thinking how mean that was of her. I remember not liking her for a long time. I've forgive her now lol.

 

But she was right. Sometimes dreams can't happen because they aren't real.

 

I will still miss him and I still love him a lot. But it's time to realize it ain't gonna happen no matter how hard I try.

[whichwayisup]

In the new year, look into finding a really good therapist who can help you work to detach and rid of the fantasy one sided love you've had since a child. It's not going to go away without professional help.

 

The letter is a great idea, so helpful and the support here is good for you too, so keep posting and just know with your hard work and desire to let go of 'the fantasy' dream, can and will happen so you can be happy as a whole person without unrealistic expectations.

[jennifernyc84]

Jennifer - just wanted you to know that I have found this entire thread of yours more helpful than you could possibly know. I've been reading and re-reading your thoughts and other's responses when I find my own thoughts returning to things along the lines of 'maybe if I had stuck it out longer,...', and 'if only I had X...then she might have Y...', and so on, and reconnecting with my own anger at her bad behavior and how I allowed it - colluded with her, in fact.

 

Thank you. And please, please, keep writing.

 

I guess that's the purpose of this forum. We help each other grow and heal.

 

Be blessed and happy holidays.

[Chica80]

Because it is all you know.

 

Because it is a habit...longing for him is what you've done.

 

Because you believe somewhere inside yourself that his incapability to love you is a failing on your part, and that if you were good enough, he would love you.

 

Because you see in him what you wish him to be...the life you wish you had with him. Instead of seeing him for the whole of who he is.

 

Because you believe that if you love him hard enough, he will break free of his lies, manipulation, lack of character, and magically become the great man you know he is inside.

 

Because letting go means you have wasted years and years of your life on him.

 

Because why did you have to go through all this pain without a happy ending?

 

Because you have taught yourself to listen to the same self-talk and you are stuck in a loop.

 

----

 

You can WANT something and know it is not what you NEED.

You can LOSE something, and go through the hurt, and still walk through the fire to the other side.

 

THIS breaks my heart and touches my soul.....

[Satu]

There's nothing wrong with having hopes and dreams, but its best if those hopes and dreams are attainable.

 

If they bring only ongoing disappointment, they aren't worth anything.

 

 

Take care.

[Jemima1234]

I feel good about this. It's like a breath of fresh air. A weight has been lifted off of me. I feel like I could do this.

 

I think I needed to feel the extreme amount of pain for me to realize that the pain is not the end of the world. The pain doesn't mean you're dying. It's a sign that you're still alive. And as long as there is breath in your body, you've got a chance.

 

I told her (younger me) that she hasn't done anything wrong. In fact, I apologized for not taking better care of her. I told her that I loved her and wanted nothing but the best for her. I told her I know that her friend Josh means a lot to her and that making him happy is all she wanted to do, but it was never her job to keep him happy. I told her that making him happy would hurt a lot of people including herself. I told her that she grows up to be smart, successful, beautiful inside and out, and she has her own apartment in New York City. How cool is that! I told her she isn't a bad person. She's done a bad thing but that doesn't define who she is. I told her to stop blaming herself. I told her not to be afraid. I told her to be strong and not to cry anymore. I promised her that I'd take better care of her, and I promised her her OWN happy ending. One that wouldn't hurt other people in the process. I promised her that from now on she could trust me. I told her that it was time to put childish things away and become a woman.

 

 

When I was a kid, I don't know, maybe around 6 or 7. My aunt was playing around with me, and my brother and sister and our cousins. She had us all write out essays about what we wanted to be when we grew up and why. I wrote down that I wanted to be a princess. Because everyone would have to listen to me and do whatever I said.

 

Then my aunt told me that I couldn't become a princess. That it wasn't a real job. And I remember thinking how mean that was of her. I remember not liking her for a long time. I've forgive her now lol.

 

But she was right. Sometimes dreams can't happen because they aren't real.

 

I will still miss him and I still love him a lot. But it's time to realize it ain't gonna happen no matter how hard I try.

 

I love this letter! I am going to write myself one!! Brilliant idea thanks

[jennifernyc84]

I love this letter! I am going to write myself one!! Brilliant idea thanks

 

It felt really therapeutic.

 

I think I finally got the closure I needed.

[eye of the storm]

Jennifer, I'm glad you are feeling better. So I hope this comes out the way I mean it to. Don't get cocky.

 

You know in the movies when the good guy puts down the bad guy and turns their back for a snappy comment? And the bad guy gets back up? Do you see what I mean?

 

Recovery is a roller coaster. You will have highs and lows. But in time the ride ends and we can get off and move on to something much better.

 

Enjoy the highs, use them to strengthen yourself for the lows. But if you get cocky you will accidentally leave yourself open for the bad guy to get back up. It happened to me. I thought, "I got this". Turned out, I didn't. Well, now I know.

 

I am so glad you are feeling stronger. Keep it up!

[Satu]

I had a lot of therapy but most of my healing came from writing.

[jennifernyc84]

Jennifer, I'm glad you are feeling better. So I hope this comes out the way I mean it to. Don't get cocky.

 

You know in the movies when the good guy puts down the bad guy and turns their back for a snappy comment? And the bad guy gets back up? Do you see what I mean?

 

Recovery is a roller coaster. You will have highs and lows. But in time the ride ends and we can get off and move on to something much better.

 

Enjoy the highs, use them to strengthen yourself for the lows. But if you get cocky you will accidentally leave yourself open for the bad guy to get back up. It happened to me. I thought, "I got this". Turned out, I didn't. Well, now I know.

 

I am so glad you are feeling stronger. Keep it up!

 

Oh my goodness, I'm in no way feeling cocky at all. I had to convince myself not to cry 4 times today.

 

Rollercoaster indeed. I'm trying to pull myself together and I do feel hopeful for the first time, but I'm nowhere near where I need to be.

 

I'm still very bruised. I probably have no right saying that, being the OW and all, but I am. Very, very bruised.

 

Thank you for the advice. I know exactly what you're saying.

 

I am still afraid of relapsing if/when he finds a way to reach me. I hope I can resist if it does come to that.

 

Still not 100% I can, though.

[DKT3]

Jennifer, I've avoided your thread because I'm a tough guy who believe in tough love. But I understand when someone isn't accepting of that style.

 

I had to text my wife to see if she was OK with me sharing this. It's very personal. Shortly after I started the divorce she place this note in my daughters diaper bag

 

We live

We love

We lose

We learn

The tragedy is not embracing each step, not accepting that each will happen no matter what we do or try. I want to repeat those 4 L's

Live as your wife

Love you as your wife

Lose your old wife

Learn to be a better a wife.

 

I shared this because I think it can apply to you. Don't run from this, embrace it learn and grow.

[LexiCat29]

Oh my goodness, I'm in no way feeling cocky at all. I had to convince myself not to cry 4 times today.

 

Rollercoaster indeed. I'm trying to pull myself together and I do feel hopeful for the first time, but I'm nowhere near where I need to be.

 

I'm still very bruised. I probably have no right saying that, being the OW and all, but I am. Very, very bruised.

 

Thank you for the advice. I know exactly what you're saying.

 

I am still afraid of relapsing if/when he finds a way to reach me. I hope I can resist if it does come to that.

 

Still not 100% I can, though.

 

Telling yourself that you're not sure you can is setting yourself up for failure. People do this every single day. You're not the first and you won't be the last..you're definitely not alone in any of this.

 

You've been strong so far. You can continue being strong.

[Foreverago]

I'm going to share something that I learned while going through eating disorder treatment. I was a bulimic with anorexic tendencies from the time I was 11 until shortly after the affair in my early 20's and its not like one can go cold turkey on food. It's around, the urge to abuse oneself is heavily there, relapse happens. So I get it.

 

But we aren't defined by it, we can't be. Every day we get to make small choices on whether we live or destruct. You need to pick up and keep going, keep moving forward and not focus on the relapse or possible relapses. It keeps your mind directed at your addiction. I'm no longer going to refer to him as a man, he doesn't deserve it. The Addiction sums it up more efficiently.

 

Have you maybe given thought to cognitive behavioral therapy?

The only reason I'm even suggesting looking into it, is it's been literal years you've used it as a coping mechanism and you'll need those skill sets when you no longer have the addiction to cope with reality.

 

You have a bunch of people here rooting for you myself included.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I actually heard on one of my podcasts, talking about affairs and recovery, that an addiction counselor can be good for those of use who seem to be 'addicted' to the AP.

 

I also agree with Eye- you will have good moments embrace those and enjoy them but also the bad times will happen and the pain will come and if you are not ready for those moments they will break you. The best advice i can give you is to walk through that pain , do not ever put actions to high emotions; wait until they pass a bit before you make any decisions. Most of the time it is okay to just feel an emotion, accept it, and move forward.

[jennifernyc84]

I'm going to share something that I learned while going through eating disorder treatment. I was a bulimic with anorexic tendencies from the time I was 11 until shortly after the affair in my early 20's and its not like one can go cold turkey on food. It's around, the urge to abuse oneself is heavily there, relapse happens. So I get it.

 

But we aren't defined by it, we can't be. Every day we get to make small choices on whether we live or destruct. You need to pick up and keep going, keep moving forward and not focus on the relapse or possible relapses. It keeps your mind directed at your addiction. I'm no longer going to refer to him as a man, he doesn't deserve it. The Addiction sums it up more efficiently.

 

Have you maybe given thought to cognitive behavioral therapy?

The only reason I'm even suggesting looking into it, is it's been literal years you've used it as a coping mechanism and you'll need those skill sets when you no longer have the addiction to cope with reality.

 

You have a bunch of people here rooting for you myself included.

 

 

I went for a few sessions of therapy when I found out that they were pregnant. I broke down and got physically sick. I went to a psychiatrist for a few weeks but I don't know. I didn't feel like it was helping.

[BuddyX]

"Sometimes you miss the memories, not the person".

 

Separate the two.

[eye of the storm]

I went for a few sessions of therapy when I found out that they were pregnant. I broke down and got physically sick. I went to a psychiatrist for a few weeks but I don't know. I didn't feel like it was helping.

 

My therapist gave me exercises that I thought was stupid. Very very stupid. one was to go outside for 10 minutes a day and stare at the sky. Stupid. For weeks I went outside, rain or shine and did it. Thinking, how stupid. Then one day I noticed the sky. Instead of thinking how stupid, I was noticing the sky.

 

It helped. It reminded me that there was more than me. It reminded me of my place in the universe. I still do it. In the beginning I couldn't believe how stupid but it helped.

 

I was determined to get better. If she had told me to stand on my head I would have. And I'm glad I did.

 

Don't quit therapy just because in the beginning you don't understand the goal. It isn't an instant result, it takes time. It took time to get where you are, it takes time to heal.

[jennifernyc84]

My therapist gave me exercises that I thought was stupid. Very very stupid. one was to go outside for 10 minutes a day and stare at the sky. Stupid. For weeks I went outside, rain or shine and did it. Thinking, how stupid. Then one day I noticed the sky. Instead of thinking how stupid, I was noticing the sky.

 

It helped. It reminded me that there was more than me. It reminded me of my place in the universe. I still do it. In the beginning I couldn't believe how stupid but it helped.

 

I was determined to get better. If she had told me to stand on my head I would have. And I'm glad I did.

 

Don't quit therapy just because in the beginning you don't understand the goal. It isn't an instant result, it takes time. It took time to get where you are, it takes time to heal.

 

Wow! I do that. The looking at the sky thing. I've always done it. Whenever I'd feel alone, or like I was some place strange, I'd look up at the sky and remember that it's the same sky. No matter where you are, no matter where that person is, they are under the same sky. And I'd feel so comforted by that.

[jennifernyc84]

"Sometimes you miss the memories, not the person".

 

Separate the two.

 

I believe this is true.

 

I do miss him though. I miss the way that no matter what mood I would be in, the sound of his voice would make me smile. I miss how just one touch from him would send vibrations through my entire body. I miss the way his face stubble would scratch my neck as he'd kiss it.

 

But those are just things. I'm sure there will be other people to give me butterflies.

 

In the end, the bad outweighed the good by a ton..or two.

[whichwayisup]

I second CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy. It'll re train your brain from the habits and thought patterns you have now, you'll learn how to cope without him in your life in a healthy way.

[FoundMyStrength]

My therapist gave me exercises that I thought was stupid. Very very stupid. one was to go outside for 10 minutes a day and stare at the sky. Stupid. For weeks I went outside, rain or shine and did it. Thinking, how stupid. Then one day I noticed the sky. Instead of thinking how stupid, I was noticing the sky.

 

It helped. It reminded me that there was more than me. It reminded me of my place in the universe. I still do it. In the beginning I couldn't believe how stupid but it helped.

 

I did my own version of this without the therapist. My neighborhood is basically a long loop filled with trees. I would go and out walk a ridiculous number of times per day. At first, I felt numb, and couldn't *see" the beauty. And then I saw it. I saw the leaves on the trees. I saw them change color as fall began. I saw them drift to the ground as fall ended. And then I saw the beauty of the empty trees. It felt like my spirit was renewing with each lap, my internal changes mirroring nature's external ones.

 

It takes time, but it gets better. It will feel better. We all just need to patient with ourselves until we get there.

[CommittedToThis]

When I dumped my ex I moved from a huge metropolitan area (SoCal) to a small mountain community just for the beauty of nature. Many times over the last year simple changes in the weather -- like, SNOW! -- made me feel elated.

 

Today it's raining and melting the snow we got last weekend.

 

It's hard to feel too sad when evidence of life independent from humanity is present.

[pteromom]

Don't give up on therapy because you didn't feel it was helping. You gotta find someone you CONNECT with. You know how you are responding to my posts emotionally and they are working on something inside you? Well - that's because we are on the same wavelength. I can talk your language so you hear me.

 

You have to find a therapist like that. And it's NOT an easy task.

 

Start reading websites for psychologists and counselors in your area. See if you can find a site that is written in a way that resonates with you. If you feel a pull toward a certain counselor, try them out!

[pteromom]

Being here, in the small town we grew up in, I think wasn't the best thing for me right now. I got so caught up with going home and being with family, that I absolutely forgot that this was the place where we shared most of our memories.

 

Our school, our mall, our favorite pizza place. Where we had our first kiss. It's all still here. Just driving down the streets, each street is another memory.

 

His old house is directly across the street from my parents, and I remember looking out this very window and watching him play basketball with his brothers. Or washing the car.

 

I think I made a mistake coming here. He's all around me. It's made me feel 10 times worse than I did today.

 

That young man you crushed on and won over is a completely different person than the cheating manipulator he grew up to be. It's ok to miss the boy and still walk away from the man.