How do I make peace?

[Redhead14]

Yes, he is done with me and it hurts. I couldnt take it anymore. We never really had a normal conversation (during break up, so I texted him).

Me

Would you consider giving us another chance, or should I respect your decision and move on?

He

I don't think it makes any sense unless there is a change of circumstance.

I really care for you. And this whole thing has been hard. The things you said in anger cut deep and I would rather have good memories than fight with you for another few months and have you get mad at me again.

Me

What do you mean by change of circumstance?

 

A change in distance.

Me

Well, that is impossible for now

He

I am aware. That's why I didn't think it would work. At least for the next 1.5 years

Me

Ok. I guess I wanted to hear it again but when we are both calm. I will respect that

He

Thank you for reaching out again. I wish you a very happy holiday season and for you to stay warm, and happy

 

I know he wants nothing to do with me. He made it seems like it is our fghts that bother him. But, I honestly think he lost interest. He is aware that he is not fair to me when he is busy. Anyone interested enough would suggest a compromise. Even when we made up the first time, he warned me our communication would be similar because he will be busy.

I thought of saying that I will work on my issues, and communicate about what bothers me, rather than fight. But I realized it is probably not the fights but lack of interest on his part. It hurts regardlesss

He made it seems like it is our fghts that bother him. But, I honestly think he lost interest. - He lost interest because of the fights . . .

[Blanco]

Hopefully with some time and distance from this relationship, you will have enough introspection to see how you greatly contributed to this relationship failing rather than pinning the blame on him for abstractly "losing interest."

 

You broke up with him multiple times in a few months. You said hurtful things that any self-respecting person would not be able to simply forget. You seemed, based on your own descriptions of conversations, interested in starting arguments rather than discussing things in a civil fashion.

 

Sure, you can chalk this up to just him losing interest, but if that's as deep as your introspection of this relationship goes, do not be surprised when your next relationship bombs out for similar reasons.

[Iva0201]

Hopefully with some time and distance from this relationship, you will have enough introspection to see how you greatly contributed to this relationship failing rather than pinning the blame on him for abstractly "losing interest."

 

You broke up with him multiple times in a few months. You said hurtful things that any self-respecting person would not be able to simply forget. You seemed, based on your own descriptions of conversations, interested in starting arguments rather than discussing things in a civil fashion.

 

Sure, you can chalk this up to just him losing interest, but if that's as deep as your introspection of this relationship goes, do not be surprised when your next relationship bombs out for similar reasons.

 

I know what are you saying. I am trying to understand what happened. But I was scared, I was scared that he was losing interest and was never serious about me while I was investing soooo much in this relationship.

Why made me think he was losing interest or was never serious about me?

Well, I am a student (struggling with loans and money in general). He is not rich but has a lot support from his family (for example, he lives in his parent house and doesnt pay rent, his school loan was paid by his parents as well). But when we travelled to meet, we always split everything. I wasn't looking for him to pay my expenses but... for example, he once said "I just realized how many payments and expenses you have. I have none of it. Maybe we can do something cheaper next time or I can pay a part of trips expenses." Well, our next vacation, he was little distant and didnt offer to pay anything for me. When we came back, his work became his priority. On certain days, I would hear from him at 4pm first time. I just couldn't undrstand how you can miss someone, but not talk to them.

And then, the last time I hadn't heard from him at all. I understand he was busy and stressed but.... the entire day.

What I am saying I didnt have anything to make me feel appreciated in the relationship. Except for daily texts (on majority of days) everything else went downhill.

Before, he would plan trips months in advance. Now, he was too stressed to talk about it, "miss you" texts were rare and he never offered to help me out when I was flying to see him. And he was distant on our last vacation (we never had fights up to that point).

I guess I got frustrated. I am not trying to defend myself, just trying to explain why I reacted the way I did.

 

And, while on last vacation I tried to have a civil conversation with him. I asked if continuing relationship was something he really wanted. He said yes, but then wasnt as enthusiastic about it. He kept talking how difficult it would be, how we can try and see where it goes....

Edited December 14, 2016 by Iva0201

[Iva0201]

When I broke up the last time, all I could think about was "how can I change my whole life and move over the country for someone who shuts me down completely when he is busy at work. I am also all for equality and paying your own share, but... i am also a generous person. For example, I work but have some friends I go to school with who dont. I always (or at least sometimes) pay for them if go out to do a project or homework or something. And he couldn't even treat me like a lady or show some (not paying my tickets or a hotel) appreciation.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, think about how you're describing him.

 

You have listed several things that made you unhappy about him. Rightly or wrongly, you weren't satisfied in this relationship.

 

I therefore don't get why you're fretting so much about this being over. You can clearly see there were some significant incompatibilities, no?

[Iva0201]

OP, think about how you're describing him.

 

You have listed several things that made you unhappy about him. Rightly or wrongly, you weren't satisfied in this relationship.

 

I therefore don't get why you're fretting so much about this being over. You can clearly see there were some significant incompatibilities, no?

 

Yes, I know. Part of me would be even scared to get back with him. I don't feel 100% sure anymore that he has enough feelings for me (i am not going to say love me as he never said that).

Therefore, I am confused, scared, angry, hurt, insecure and what not. I guess I want answers. I know I was needy but I dont feel 100% guilty. A woman knows when he is desired. I didnt feel it for the last few months. Even when we discussed that I should move over, he sounded more pissed or angry than existed (conversation was a part of fighting/make up process but still....)

I dont know... it just hurts...it hurts a lot...

He was the one who suggested LDR, he suggested moving over, he insisted it would be worth it, he kept scheduling trip after trip and I couldnt say "no". Instead, I worked so hard to afford all these trips and now he is too busy and stressed....

Edited December 14, 2016 by Iva0201

[basil67]

I know what are you saying. I am trying to understand what happened. But I was scared, I was scared that he was losing interest and was never serious about me while I was investing soooo much in this relationship.

Why made me think he was losing interest or was never serious about me?

Well, I am a student (struggling with loans and money in general). He is not rich but has a lot support from his family (for example, he lives in his parent house and doesnt pay rent, his school loan was paid by his parents as well). But when we travelled to meet, we always split everything. I wasn't looking for him to pay my expenses but... for example, he once said "I just realized how many payments and expenses you have. I have none of it. Maybe we can do something cheaper next time or I can pay a part of trips expenses." Well, our next vacation, he was little distant and didnt offer to pay anything for me. When we came back, his work became his priority. On certain days, I would hear from him at 4pm first time. I just couldn't undrstand how you can miss someone, but not talk to them.

And then, the last time I hadn't heard from him at all. I understand he was busy and stressed but.... the entire day.

What I am saying I didnt have anything to make me feel appreciated in the relationship. Except for daily texts (on majority of days) everything else went downhill.

Before, he would plan trips months in advance. Now, he was too stressed to talk about it, "miss you" texts were rare and he never offered to help me out when I was flying to see him. And he was distant on our last vacation (we never had fights up to that point).

I guess I got frustrated. I am not trying to defend myself, just trying to explain why I reacted the way I did.

 

And, while on last vacation I tried to have a civil conversation with him. I asked if continuing relationship was something he really wanted. He said yes, but then wasnt as enthusiastic about it. He kept talking how difficult it would be, how we can try and see where it goes....

 

This is quite a bit about your feelings, but none of it explains your nasty texts. If you're unhappy in a relationship, you address the issue civilly or you end it.

 

The only thing which explains your nasty texts is immaturity and poor problem solving skills on your part.

[Iva0201]

This is quite a bit about your feelings, but none of it explains your nasty texts. If you're unhappy in a relationship, you address the issue civilly or you end it.

 

The only thing which explains your nasty texts is immaturity and poor problem solving skills on your part.

 

Well, right after that last vacation, I called him and told him that I felt he was distant and that something had changed. I told him I thought he was acting weird at the airport blah blah. He reassured me that nothing had changed and he still felt the same about me. Then, he would start texting me later and later during the day. I told him I was not happy anymore (wanted to break up again). We made up. And this time, after I broke up, I called him and we talked. For some reason, he kind of agreed to continue the relationship but wanted to sleep on it. Then, he kept promising he would give me a call. And I waited, and waited. And when, the call never happened, I lost it.

 

Did he think that just ghosting would be fine? We have been talking every day for 1.5 years. And after rescheduling the talk two times, he decided just not to call at all (and I was supposed to get a hint). That (in a combination with being too busy and stressed and distant) made me send him nasty texts. I just really saw it as a lack of respect.

 

So, I wanted to talk and try solve the problem, but he chose ghosting (ignoring) instead, while I kept staring at the phone waiting for his call.

[Iva0201]

Since he said he didnt want to deal with fights and me getting mad again in the future, he didnt want to get back together (he said that when I texted him last night).

Maybe, I should have promised to work on my issues and talk rather than fight in the future. Maybe we should meet in person in January and talk about everything.

 

Is it insane to text him that now? I have been studying the whole day for my finals (while also thinking about him and hurting). I cant think straight.

[basil67]

Well, right after that last vacation, I called him and told him that I felt he was distant and that something had changed. I told him I thought he was acting weird at the airport blah blah. He reassured me that nothing had changed and he still felt the same about me. Then, he would start texting me later and later during the day. I told him I was not happy anymore (wanted to break up again). We made up. And this time, after I broke up, I called him and we talked. For some reason, he kind of agreed to continue the relationship but wanted to sleep on it. Then, he kept promising he would give me a call. And I waited, and waited. And when, the call never happened, I lost it.

 

Did he think that just ghosting would be fine? We have been talking every day for 1.5 years. And after rescheduling the talk two times, he decided just not to call at all (and I was supposed to get a hint). That (in a combination with being too busy and stressed and distant) made me send him nasty texts. I just really saw it as a lack of respect.

 

So, I wanted to talk and try solve the problem, but he chose ghosting (ignoring) instead, while I kept staring at the phone waiting for his call.

 

Instead of losing your temper when he didn't call, you should have just called him to see how he was feeling.

 

As the dumper who wanted a second chance, the onus was on YOU to make this good again. It was your job to woo him back. You should have been working for this reconciliation - not reinforcing his opinion of you and driving him away further.

Edited December 15, 2016 by basil67