How do I make peace?

[Redhead14]

I am not making excuses. If I believed in his excuse too busy I would have still been in a relationship.

What bugs me is that I cannot pinpoint what exactly was wrong. He was still contacting me daily (few times a day), we were still planning to meet but it just seemed that all the enthusiasm had faded.

When you say "is either not interested or should not be in a relationship" this reminds me that he offered to be friends for a while and try again when we are both in a better place. He told me that he has too much on his plate and doesnt want to lose me completely.

But I took it as his way to pull away gradually, so I told him no. Then he agreed to keep doing what we were doing (meet every two months and talk daily).

 

But I took it as his way to pull away gradually ... He is pulling away gradually by offering to be friends!!!!!!! He doesn't want to lose you completely, until he find someone he wants to give himself to completely. He is stringing you along!!!!!

[Blanco]

When you say "is either not interested or should not be in a relationship" this reminds me that he offered to be friends for a while and try again when we are both in a better place. He told me that he has too much on his plate and doesnt want to lose me completely.

 

That was his way of letting you down gently. If you want a future with someone, you don't offer to let them go potentially pursue other relationships with the hope of reconvening again in some ambiguous point in the future.

[Iva0201]

That was his way of letting you down gently. If you want a future with someone, you don't offer to let them go potentially pursue other relationships with the hope of reconvening again in some ambiguous point in the future.

 

I agree that is a way of letting down someone, dont get me wrong. But, later when I tried breaking up with him twice, he never agreed to it. He even asked me if I would move over to live with him in a year. When I said yes, I would love to, he said that is also what he would want and how he sees our relationship.

[Redhead14]

I agree that is a way of letting down someone, dont get me wrong. But, later when I tried breaking up with him twice, he never agreed to it. He even asked me if I would move over to live with him in a year. When I said yes, I would love to, he said that is also what he would want and how he sees our relationship.

 

Great. Tell him you are coming there now to explore job opportunities and places to live and that you need a place to stay while you look . . .

[Been]

I'm starting to figure out that 9 out of 10 times people want to stay in contact with thier exs not to really be friends but for other reasons:to get back togeather, to see what the ex is up to,so they aren't alone etc.

You acted like a jerk to him but who is really calm and themselves during a heated conversation with an ex?We say mean things because we want them to hurt like we do-inflict some kind of pain on them like they did to us.

I'm sure he is aware you didn't mean it.

[basil67]

But, what I cant accept is the excuse that work is his priority and he is too stressed.

 

It's not an excuse - it's the absolute truth.

 

His actions are in keeping with the actions of a person who's work is their number one priority. Had the relationship been his number one priority, then he would have found the time to call you.

 

You need to start to believe what he says: You are not the priority.

[Iva0201]

It's not an excuse - it's the absolute truth.

 

His actions are in keeping with the actions of a person who's work is their number one priority. Had the relationship been his number one priority, then he would have found the time to call you.

 

You need to start to believe what he says: You are not the priority.

 

I apologize for being dumb but this never happened to me before. So, does this mean that he is just not that into me? If he really fell for me, work would have never been his priority. I ask because he was really serious about us moving in together.

His background: he doesnt own his house and it is a big deal to him. He started this new job (great money but very demanding) with the goal to save enough to buy his own place. With all this in mind, is he just not that into me?

[Redhead14]

You've only met in person 5 times in 9 months . . . I don't think there's been enough time spent together for either of you to know or be "into" each other. You two might be "into" the vision for a relationship, etc.

 

I don't think it's wise/reasonable for someone to want to move in with another person that they've only met 5 times. It's a huge risk for a couple who has been seeing each other regularly in a 9 month period.

 

If you want to see how difficult an LDR relationship can be to develop, you should read Venusishername's thread called "When it Rains It Pours". It goes on for 105 pages, 1562 posts and over the course of a year and a half.

[Iva0201]

You've only met in person 5 times in 9 months . . . I don't think there's been enough time spent together for either of you to know or be "into" each other. You two might be "into" the vision for a relationship, etc.

 

I don't think it's wise/reasonable for someone to want to move in with another person that they've only met 5 times. It's a huge risk for a couple who has been seeing each other regularly in a 9 month period.

 

If you want to see how difficult an LDR relationship can be to develop, you should read Venusishername's thread called "When it Rains It Pours". It goes on for 105 pages, 1562 posts and over the course of a year and a half.

 

Thanks for recommendation. I am going to read it. I have my finals and cant focus on anything. Instead of studying I run thoughts in my head over and over again.

[basil67]

I apologize for being dumb but this never happened to me before. So, does this mean that he is just not that into me? If he really fell for me, work would have never been his priority. I ask because he was really serious about us moving in together.

His background: he doesnt own his house and it is a big deal to him. He started this new job (great money but very demanding) with the goal to save enough to buy his own place. With all this in mind, is he just not that into me?

 

He might have been into you. But he was into work more.

 

At any rate, it's all over now. Time to move on - go find yourself a local boy who you can have a proper relationship with.

[Iva0201]

I posted about this guy here before. Actually it was about me getting mad and sending him nasty texts. I am not going to go into details here (you can read my texts iny other thread). Basically, I told him that he was not man enough in a relationship and that I never had a high opinion of him. Why did I say these horrible things? We are in a LDR.

I broke up with him (sent him a text that we were done blah blah) because I didnt har from him the whole day. Next day, I realized how stupid it was (this was the 3rd time I was breaking up over the same issue), and gave him a call. I apologized and we discussed how to solve the problems (he is busy, I am needy). He said something like "we could give this another chance but let sleep on it and talk tomorrow." The next day, when I didnt hear from him, I snapped again and sent an angry text. He replied he was waiting for me to call and wasnt happy about my angry text.

Anyway, that is when he said that, in his opinion, things between us would only get worse with time. Then he had to go back to work and promised me to continue the conversation once he was done with work. He got off really late and asked me to reschedule the conversation. The day after was a holiday, he apologized again and postponed it again. I never heard from him after that.

4 days later I texted him that what he did was disrespectful (just ghosting me) and that is when I said all the nasty things. He said that he thought about everything and thought that things between us wouldnt work out in the future.

Today, I actually apologized. He thanked me and said he was sorry too (that he was taking too long to give me a call) and never meant to disrespect me.

 

My question: is he done with me? Why was he willing to consider giving us another chance right after I broke up but then call him? Was it just easier to say over the phone and then he texted me that he didnt think it would work out.

I was thinking of asking him one more time if he would be willing to give us another chance? How do I do it?

 

Background: we were together for 9 months, saw each other every two months and it was amazing every time. We talked about me moving to his state in a year or so. But the last few months he got busy with work and little distant and I have a bad temper and would snap at him every time I didnt hear from him.

Edited December 13, 2016 by Iva0201

[LargoLagg]

Wow! You have got to be the worst candidate for LDR that I've ever heard of.

 

Needy doesn't begin to cover it. I can't imagine that he's not done with you. I can't imagine he's not cut you off already. I wonder if he thinks you're ever going to change? I wonder if you think you can change?

 

Do this guy a huge favor and cut him loose. Find somebody local you can smother in person.

[Iva0201]

Wow! You have got to be the worst candidate for LDR that I've ever heard of.

 

Needy doesn't begin to cover it. I can't imagine that he's not done with you. I can't imagine he's not cut you off already. I wonder if he thinks you're ever going to change? I wonder if you think you can change?

 

Do this guy a huge favor and cut him loose. Find somebody local you can smother in person.

 

I know... but in my defence:

He was great at the beginning. I wasnt needy, I wasnt expecting anything. One day I asked him where he sees this going. He replied he would want to keep seeing me, and eventually we could move in together (when I move over to his state. He said it would be difficult, and expensive but worth it. I was soo happy with his answer and I started falling for him. When we met again in two months, he was little distant (he started his new business and claimed to be stressed). I asked him again, his reply was LDR are tough, I cant garantee anything but lets keep seeing wach other and see what happens. Then his texts became less sweet, miss you texts were rare or nonexistent. That is when I got insecure and broke up with him 2 times. He talked me out of it both times and claimed that it was work and he emotionally shuts down when he is stressed.

Next time I didnt hear from him the entire day, I got pissed and this happened.

Edited December 13, 2016 by Iva0201

[LargoLagg]

Well, now that I have this new information, I'd say:

 

Wow! You have got to be the worst candidate for LDR that I've ever heard of.

 

Needy doesn't begin to cover it. I can't imagine that he's not done with you. I can't imagine he's not cut you off already. I wonder if he thinks you're ever going to change? I wonder if you think you can change?

 

Do this guy a huge favor and cut him loose. Find somebody local you can smother in person.

[Iva0201]

And when I said "I snapped every time he didn't text me" dont take it literally. We would be texting every day. And then, three times in 4 months (i know) I would tell him I am not happy with the way things are (with his lack of communication) and would initiate a break up. So, that is what I meant by "snap". More like get upset, because I cant imagine being in love with someone but not reach out to them even on the busiest, most stressful day.

[Iva0201]

Well, now that I have this new information, I'd say:

 

At least you made me laugh )))

 

Even he admitted that this was the first time that work was interfering with his relationship and he knew it wasnt fair to me (but as he said work was his priority at the moment).

I just want one more chance to see him in person.

[Iva0201]

I was in a LDR for 9 months.

I broke up with him (sent him a text that we were done blah blah) because I didnt hear from him the whole day. Next day, I realized how stupid it was (this was the 3rd time I was breaking up over the same issue), and gave him a call. I apologized and we discussed how to solve the problems (he is busy, I am needy). He said something like "we could give this*another chance, but let's sleep on it and talk tomorrow." The next day, when I didnt hear from him, I was hurt and pissed and sent an angry text. He replied he was waiting for me to call and wasnt happy about my angry text.*

 

Anyway, that is when he said that, in his opinion, things between us would only get worse with time. Then, he had to go back to work and promised me to continue the conversation once he was done with work. He got off really late and asked me to reschedule the conversation. The day after was a holiday, he apologized again and postponed it again. I never heard from him after that.

4 days later I texted him that what he did was disrespectful (just ghosting me) and that is when I said all some nasty things (that he wasnt man enough in a relationship and that I never had a high opinion of him, so the break up was for the best). He said that he thought about everything and thought that things between us wouldnt work out in the future but he didnt know how to say it (so he never called back when he promised).

Today, I actually apologized for everything I said. He thanked me and said he was sorry too (that he was taking too long to give me a call) and never meant to disrespect me.*

 

My question: is he done with me? Why was he willing to consider giving us another chance right after I broke up (when I called him next day). Was it just easier to say over the phone and then he texted me that he didnt think it would work out.*

I was thinking of asking him one more time if he would be willing to give us another chance? How do I do it? Do I do it?

 

Additional info:

We were together 9 months LDR, meeting every two months). In the beginning, I wasnt needy, I wasnt expecting anything. One day I asked him where he sees things going. He replied he would want to keep seeing me, and eventually we could move in together (when I move over to his state. He said it would be difficult, and expensive but worth it. I was soo happy with his answer and I started falling for him. When we met again in two months, he was little distant (he started his new business and claimed to be stressed). I asked him again, his reply was "LDR are tough, I cant garantee anything but lets keep seeing wach other and see what happens." Then his texts became less sweet, miss you texts were rare or nonexistent. That is when I got insecure and broke up with him 2 times. He talked me out of it both times and claimed that it was work and he emotionally shuts down when he is stressed. This is the third time but I want him back

[Blanco]

You can start as many new threads as you want about this (that will all end up merged with this one, as you are seeing), but the answers won't change. This "relationship" is done and you should really take some time to gain some insight as to what triggers such neediness and harsh reactions (i.e. nasty texts) when things aren't going your way.

[Iva0201]

You can start as many new threads as you want about this (that will all end up merged with this one, as you are seeing), but the answers won't change. This "relationship" is done and you should really take some time to gain some insight as to what triggers such neediness and harsh reactions (i.e. nasty texts) when things aren't going your way.

It is annoying when threads get merged. They are about the same guy but different questions. Really, no need to go over everything again.

[Redhead14]

If you want peace with him, you first need to BE at peace within yourself. You are impulsive and reactionary which is indicator of some inner turmoil/emotional immaturity that hasn't been addressed.

 

I'd say it's too late for this "relationship". And, I'm thinking you would have the same "issue" if you had a "local" relationship. It takes a very strong, independent, secure person to manage/handle a long-distance relationship. It takes that kind of person to be in a "local" relationship as a matter of fact.

 

Maybe part of your problem is that the distance was wearing on you. There has been a lack of a constructive and concrete plan for solving the distance problem and was frustrating you. Regardless of all that, the way you dealt with it was destructive. If he were here posting about you, we would be telling him to run for the hills and never look back. I would not tolerate this from anyone.

 

If you are hoping to recover this relationship, you are going to have to demonstrate that you are capable of controlling yourself and he needs to be able to observe that for a long time if he would even think of picking things up with you.

 

Do not reach out to him at all. Let things settle down and let him come to you if he is going to. In the meantime, you start reflecting and focusing on YOU. Get focused and centered and be clear in your head about what it is you want and need from him or another partner and learn how to communicate those needs in a more mature, respectful, effective ways, so that if/when he does come to you he will see that you are at least focusing on the issues and attempting to become the kind of person who can deal with the distance. He won't want to come back to the same old you. Have something more/better to offer him -- a stronger, more centered and focused, level-headed woman who knows what she wants and communicates with the man she loves instead of bashing him anytime there is a perceived, imagined, unexplained sleights. If he doesn't come back, you will have that to offer a new partner in the future.

Edited December 13, 2016 by Redhead14

[LargoLagg]

At least you made me laugh )))

That's why the women love me, baby! Listen, you'll be fine, this stuff just take some time.

 

I'm serious, find a local guy. I feel like it's almost a calling to rid the world of LDRs.

[Blanco]

It is annoying when threads get merged. They are about the same guy but different questions. Really, no need to go over everything again.

 

Starting new threads deprive new readers of proper context. It's easier to dispense appropriate advice if the person has more than just a super glossed over summary of the problem.

[anika99]

E

 

I initiated maybe 1/4 of the conversations. Well, I know it sounds ridiculous to get upset over 1 or 2 days in a month. However, something else felt different. Not sure, if that was because he was stressed or something else was going on but he wasnt as sweet anymore. Miss you text were rare and he would be usually very enthusiastic about visiting each other. But this time he only briefly mentioned that his next free month would be Jan and we could plan something.

I begged him to tell me if he lost feelings, because long distance is hard and expensive and the last thing I wanted was to be with someone who wasnt sure about me. But he denied losing feeelings and even talked about closing the distance.

 

I read this whole thread and the above statement is the one I"m stuck on. It sounds like he did the majority of the contacting, that he was the initiator 75% of the time. You would freak out and break up with him over the occasional lapse. How do you figure that is fair? Why was your expectation that he always be the one to initiate contact? If he's the one initiating 75% of the time then why make such a big deal over the odd missed day. If somebody never contacts me first then obviously I'm going to have a problem with that but if contact is split about 50/50 then if I want to talk to that person I'll just go ahead and contact them first, not sit there and stew over how it's unfair that they are not contacting me first. Then you end it by telling him you never had a high opinion of him? Really, I hope he stays gone. You are too needy and come with too much drama.

[ExpatInItaly]

My answer is the same as in the original thread.

 

Yes, I think he really is done with this. There's not much to return to, in my mind. You two had spent very little time together in person and the distance and communication clearly wasn't working for you, OP.

 

It might have been okay in the beginning, but as time passed he could see this relationship had become tumultuous rather than a pleasure. That usually kills attraction.

[Iva0201]

Yes, he is done with me and it hurts. I couldnt take it anymore. We never really had a normal conversation (during break up, so I texted him).

Me

Would you consider giving us another chance, or should I respect your decision and move on?

He

I don't think it makes any sense unless there is a change of circumstance.

I really care for you. And this whole thing has been hard. The things you said in anger cut deep and I would rather have good memories than fight with you for another few months and have you get mad at me again.

Me

What do you mean by change of circumstance?

 

A change in distance.

Me

Well, that is impossible for now

He

I am aware. That's why I didn't think it would work. At least for the next 1.5 years

Me

Ok. I guess I wanted to hear it again but when we are both calm. I will respect that

He

Thank you for reaching out again. I wish you a very happy holiday season and for you to stay warm, and happy

 

I know he wants nothing to do with me. He made it seems like it is our fghts that bother him. But, I honestly think he lost interest. He is aware that he is not fair to me when he is busy. Anyone interested enough would suggest a compromise. Even when we made up the first time, he warned me our communication would be similar because he will be busy.

I thought of saying that I will work on my issues, and communicate about what bothers me, rather than fight. But I realized it is probably not the fights but lack of interest on his part. It hurts regardlesss