What are the rules with FWB?

[wheream_i]

if he can't date, how could he get physical with you?

 

Um... what?

[Mumbles]

To make matters worse I have been continuing to date and see other men. Lovely, wonderful men but sadly no spark with them.

 

I am literally finding myself throbbing for this guy. I am really struggling to keep it platonic.

 

Help!

 

Heh

 

Honestly now, wheres the harm in going forward? The risk is that a coupling ends and the friend is lost - thats about it. Not to diminish this, certainly not if the guy is a well developed friend to you, but even so, with such strong physical feelings, can you move ahead, in a platonic friendship way, with this guy in any case? How are you going to feel, having stalled physical relations for as long as it takes, only to find him forming something with another woman? Its inevitable when you think about it - my guess is that you won't enjoy that time when it comes and the friendship you have might well suffer in any event.

 

The thought occurs that if you didn't already have the backstory on this guy (not being in the right place for a relationship) then you'd probably go ahead? Right? You'd take the leap of faith and see where it led.

[TheWhittler]

Heh

 

Honestly now, wheres the harm in going forward? The risk is that a coupling ends and the friend is lost - thats about it. Not to diminish this, certainly not if the guy is a well developed friend to you, but even so, with such strong physical feelings, can you move ahead, in a platonic friendship way, with this guy in any case? How are you going to feel, having stalled physical relations for as long as it takes, only to find him forming something with another woman? Its inevitable when you think about it - my guess is that you won't enjoy that time when it comes and the friendship you have might well suffer in any event.

 

The thought occurs that if you didn't already have the backstory on this guy (not being in the right place for a relationship) then you'd probably go ahead? Right? You'd take the leap of faith and see where it led.

 

I am worried though. My most recent ex (broke up several months ago) is back on the scene again and doesn't seem to want to give up. He has been doing a whole load of stuff to impress me. Now I am getting all the compliments and all of the "happy memory reminders".

 

So I have the FWB guy and the ex both "working" it. I know what they are doing but I just can't seem to resist.

 

Been on a couple of first dates in the last week and they were all lovely guys that I want to get to know better but it doesn't resolve the issue of what to do. The FWB guy really knows how to push my buttons with out seeming to try. Last night was steaming again. I don't know if we can keep up the friendship unless I do sleep with him.

[Kamille]

Things are getting a bit "steamy" and I don't think I am handling this very well.

 

We spoke last night and thank God I was out with mother or I think I would have got myself into trouble. To say I was a bit "frothy" over him is an understatement.

 

I now can't stop thinking about him and what it would be like. I really thought I would be OK with this but its not going that way. I can't get the thought of him running round in a rubber donkey mask and nothing else out of my head and I am not going to explain where that idea came from nor why I am thinking it, nor what happens next in that little idea that is going round in my brain.

 

To make matters worse I have been continuing to date and see other men. Lovely, wonderful men but sadly no spark with them.

 

I am literally finding myself throbbing for this guy. I am really struggling to keep it platonic.

 

Help!

 

Rubber donkey mask?!

 

This guy is occupying way too much of your brain space. Are you sure you're not into him? Sounds to me like things would get complicated really fast.

[TheWhittler]

Rubber donkey mask?!

 

This guy is occupying way too much of your brain space. Are you sure you're not into him? Sounds to me like things would get complicated really fast.

 

Yes.

 

Its all so new to me and he is stirring emotions and feelings that I didn't realise I had. I am getting really confused and I do not want to lose him as my friend. I just can't stop thinking about him yet I keep also thinking about my ex as well...

 

I just do not know what to do. Its getting harder every day.

 

I don't think I can do this just for sex as I need that emotional connection but equally I want to date others and find someone more suited to me.

[Kamille]

You can't be FWB with someone who "stirs feelings you never knew you had". In your shoes, I would stop contact with this friend, at least until such a time as you had a better hold on your emotions.

 

I don't know what the story is with your ex, but neither your ex nor this "friend" sound like they're the right match for you. Move on!

 

Ignore those two and keep dating. Or better yet, get yourself a good vibrator and spend some time on your own.

[TheWhittler]

You can't be FWB with someone who "stirs feelings you never knew you had". In your shoes, I would stop contact with this friend, at least until such a time as you had a better hold on your emotions.

 

I don't know what the story is with your ex, but neither your ex nor this "friend" sound like they're the right match for you. Move on!

 

Ignore those two and keep dating. Or better yet, get yourself a good vibrator and spend some time on your own.

 

I will try to follow your advice. It sounds sensible. I feel like I am getting over wrought and its all getting to be so much. I really do not know what to do. I am not used to this sort of situation.

[BlueIris]

Things are getting a bit "steamy" and I don't think I am handling this very well.

 

We spoke last night and thank God I was out with mother or I think I would have got myself into trouble. To say I was a bit "frothy" over him is an understatement.

I now can't stop thinking about him and what it would be like. I really thought I would be OK with this but its not going that way. I can't get the thought of him running round in a rubber donkey mask and nothing else out of my head and I am not going to explain where that idea came from nor why I am thinking it, nor what happens next in that little idea that is going round in my brain.

 

To make matters worse I have been continuing to date and see other men. Lovely, wonderful men but sadly no spark with them.

 

I am literally finding myself throbbing for this guy. I am really struggling to keep it platonic.

 

Help!

 

Throbbing, frothing and donkey masks are a clear sign: go for it. Have sex with him early and often. What do you have to lose?

 

Do you own a donkey mask?

[TheWhittler]

Do you own a donkey mask?

 

Technically no...

 

I just worry because I read these threads and most of the time this sort of thing goes horribly wrong.

 

While I am not naive in anyway I do worry about these sorts of things because I have never done this sort of thing before.

 

Its getting so confusing. Some say go for it some say not to... Then I have both of them pressing my buttons like a wretched piano concerto.

[BlueIris]

"Horribly" wrong? How horrible? So you might lose your mind briefly and thrash around and cry on the floor. Eh. It's not as though it's nuclear decimation of the planet.

[TheWhittler]

But what if I lose my friend?

[jen1447]

The first rule of FWB is be a good candidate for FWB.

 

I don't know if I should do this.

 

I am starting to think this is not for me.

 

I have decided to not go ahead.

 

1. It all seems just too messy

 

3. I just can't reconcile it in my head and it doesn't "feel" right.

 

And these are all signs you're not a good candidate for FWB - your head and your heart are too far into the prospect, not just your genitals.

 

So yeah do take a pass on this and focus on the realistic options that are available to you.

 

I am literally finding myself throbbing for this guy. I am really struggling to keep it platonic.

 

Help!

 

I'd suggest masturbating to him for a while and see if that helps. Be forewarned that it can actually make it worse depending on what the real nature of your desire for him is ....if he's ultimately shallow fling material and doesn't hold a place in your heart, you already think of him as disposable and getting some sexual gratification won't likely affect that and might even take the shine off. But if your desire is actually sth more than you're letting on here ....well when a woman's sexuality is unleashed in the direction of someone who holds real power over her it def gets much worse w masturbation.

 

But yeah in general masturbation is a harmless alternative solution for the hornies. Single women who generally want to keep it in their pants should get very proficient at it.

[MidwestUSA]

I've successfully done FWB, and still have a friend out of it.

 

But to be able to comment further, I need to know more about the donkey mask thing. Do you get 'frothey' around farm animals? Is this guy so hideous you'd rather see a donkey? How'd you get so far beyond silk ties and handcuffs?

[Haydn]

Furious but slightly tempered, `Taming of the Shrew` could be a feasible outlet. (As pointed out)

 

Coupled with a Donkey mask it could be an interesting evening in.

 

Good luck OP.

[TheWhittler]

I've successfully done FWB, and still have a friend out of it.

 

But to be able to comment further, I need to know more about the donkey mask thing. Do you get 'frothey' around farm animals? Is this guy so hideous you'd rather see a donkey? How'd you get so far beyond silk ties and handcuffs?

 

Its all so strange. I don't get excited in that way around any animals at all! So I actually have no idea why I had all these "stirrings" about the rubber donkey mask... Its all so alien to me. What other people do in the bedroom is none of my business and I have always felt along the lines of "each to their own" about those sorts of things...

 

Perhaps it was because I want to go and see Midsummer Nights Dream in the theater and have been searching for tickets. I don't know what it is all about but it is slightly worrisome.

 

Its all got worse with the ex and the potential FWB so I am ignoring everyone. It breaks my heart as I am not a mean person but I am struggling and I don't know what to say. I have a few prospects and I think there is a lovely man that is going to be asking me out on a date soon.

[TheWhittler]

I'd suggest masturbating to him for a while and see if that helps. Be forewarned that it can actually make it worse depending on what the real nature of your desire for him is ....if he's ultimately shallow fling material and doesn't hold a place in your heart, you already think of him as disposable and getting some sexual gratification won't likely affect that and might even take the shine off. But if your desire is actually sth more than you're letting on here ....well when a woman's sexuality is unleashed in the direction of someone who holds real power over her it def gets much worse w masturbation.

 

But yeah in general masturbation is a harmless alternative solution for the hornies. Single women who generally want to keep it in their pants should get very proficient at it.

 

I will try this. I don't think it will work though as potential FWB is very good looking, I do have a soft spot for him as a friend and I am sure under those clothes his body is a bit edible. They wouldn't fit or sit so well on him if he didn't have definition and tone. I am however trying not to think about his that way so is it a good idea to use him as a fantasy? He has given me "ideas" so I can always think about one of those but isn't that going to put more pressure on me?

 

I am not very good at masturbation. I will practice.

[MidwestUSA]

Well, that clarifies things for me. Sort of.

 

May I suggest you find a single ticket to the play, wear a donkey mask, and put one of those small, remote controlled vibrators in your panties?

 

Three birds with one stone, so to speak.

[TheWhittler]

Well, that clarifies things for me. Sort of.

 

May I suggest you find a single ticket to the play, wear a donkey mask, and put one of those small, remote controlled vibrators in your panties?

 

Three birds with one stone, so to speak.

 

My potential FWB did suggest it. He thought it would be hot to have the control and keep whispering things in my ear and pressing "go" so to speak...

 

He does have a rather active imagination.

 

Anyway - I am trying to ignore him and not talk to him at the moment. Its difficult when he keeps sending all these filthy dirty messages that I should be embarrassed about but actually find rather exciting. I could never say this to any of my friends.

[jen1447]

I will try this. I don't think it will work though as potential FWB is very good looking, I do have a soft spot for him as a friend and I am sure under those clothes his body is a bit edible. They wouldn't fit or sit so well on him if he didn't have definition and tone. I am however trying not to think about his that way so is it a good idea to use him as a fantasy? He has given me "ideas" so I can always think about one of those but isn't that going to put more pressure on me?

 

I am not very good at masturbation. I will practice.

 

Well I mean the idea is you masturbate to him so as to kinda 'have' him in a manner of speaking and get rid of some of the novelty, which can work if he's just a fetish more or less. If he's more burning desire then masturbating to him will just ratchet up the tension. So it's def rolling the dice, but one way or another you need some release or this'll eat you alive and you'll end up just jumping all over him regardless. And then your 'FWB' won't be an FWB bc you actually want him more deeply than that.

[TheWhittler]

So the way to find out is to think about him while playing with myself and see how quickly I get off on the thought of him...

 

I guess it could work but I still have my doubts.

 

The Ex has been emailing all day.

[Kamille]

You keep mentioning your ex. Why did you two break up? And why are you keeping in touch?

 

Right now I'm debating whether you're better off sleeping with the FWB to get over the ex or sleeping with the ex to get over the FWB. My instinct tells me that neither of these options are good and that what you need is to spend time on your own.

[jen1447]

So the way to find out is to think about him while playing with myself and see how quickly I get off on the thought of him...

 

I guess it could work but I still have my doubts.

 

The Ex has been emailing all day.

 

Not so much to see how quickly you do it (actually a good long session would be better) but to see if getting off to him at all resolves any of your desire.

 

When you masturbate, do you find yourself naturally thinking about him?

[TheWhittler]

It was all a bit weird. I tried your advice last night Jen and it sort of fluctuated between the FWB, Ex and random new men...

 

The ex is just... It wasn't going to work out. He was still hung up on his ex.Now it appears he is hung up on me... There seems to be a pattern there. Now he wants me to move in with him and live with him... He has tried to arrange meeting up a few times and said he was going to come up to see me but he hasn't canceled and hasn't turned up so I am thinking he is just emotional or something. He does keep going on about he wants to commit to me and stuff like that though...

[jen1447]

I'm not sure why the ex is the ex but generally no, it's not a good idea to consider moving in w someone you just broke up with.

 

Who got your moment(s) last night, and was it good?

[TheWhittler]

I have really messed up. Big time. Now I am in a real pickle and not sure what to do about it.

 

On Friday night the FWB came over. We were just going to hang out and watch a movie, help each other wrap Christmas presents, write cards and eat takeaway etc because the party he was going to go to was cancelled at the last minute and he was feeling a bit glum about it. It all went a bit wrong. He asked me to smell his new after shave at one point and after the conversations we had had during the day it went down hill from there. It was rather confusing for both of us. We both felt a little awkward after and he claims he has never had such explosive sex before. Personally I can't help but think that he may just be saying that as surely he must have done this before to suggest it?

 

Anyway Saturday is a new day and I ended up meeting up with my ex to exchange cards for our respective families. He was talking about all the things he has done to change and improve himself over the past few months. We went out for a Starbucks as he wanted some Christmas latte he had heard about and to do a bit of shopping for various bits, wrapping paper and stuff. On the way home he suddenly pulled over and started kissing me and telling me how much he loves me and how sorry he is that he wasn't ready for a relationship... Yup... No need to guess that one... Right there in the lay by by the side of the road. He wants me to move in.

 

So Ex stays over on Saturday night and I end up cooking for him amongst other "things". It was a lovely stew. We had dumplings and all sorts of lovely veg and ended up with second and third helpings that did not consist of food. It was amazing. Started off being very kinky after he discovered the rubber donkey mask then got very tender for some reason. It was as though he was making love to me. All the old feelings rekindled. He wants to try again but I don't know. I just don't know. I felt a bit dirty sleeping with two different men so quickly so I called the FWB to call it off after my ex had gone. Because I shouldn't have done it even though I may lose him as a friend. I figured time to make a decision one way or the other.

 

I am shocked at myself. Just a couple of hours after being "in bed" (for the want of a better phrase) with my ex the FWB turns up. We end up getting very frothy then eating the rest of the stew for supper and one thing lead to another. I hadn't even had time to shower before he got there and he was all over me. I barely touched him this time, because I didn't know what to think about it all and we ended up playing some stupid game where he was my slave and I got to see what he actually looked like running round naked in a rubber donkey mask rather than just thinking it... all be it also wearing a pair of black socks. It was as though I had completely forgotten about my ex 10 minutes after the FWB turned up. After he was really attentive and was saying how he wished it could be like this all the time. So I think he may want a relationship with me.

 

I don't know which way to turn. I have a date tonight with a new chap who seems lovely. FWB is meeting up with me for lunch. The ex has phoned and emailed... Its all just... Its really messy and I don't know what to do. I can't concentrate.

 

During our conversation this morning the ex said he has doubts because he felt I was needy by cooking him such a lovely dinner. But he still wants me to move in with him and to get back together again. Which just makes me more confused as how can it be needy if only a couple of hours later I am serving up the same to my FWB? I haven't been calling him, he has been calling me so whats with the needy stuff?

 

What do I say to the new chap? What if he asks? How can I say that after months of being single and having never behaved like this ever before in my life I have suddenly turned into a stark raving nymphomaniac and the village bike? Am I acting like a bike? After all, logically, I am single and free to do as I please with whom I please but even still... I have never known my ex be so loving and caring and generous and gentle as he was. He says he doesn't want to get back together yet because of the whole cooking him lunch thing but he still wants us to move in together. Truth is I was supposed to be going to meet my family and taking the food with me but ended up having sex with him instead... How can that be needy and the fact he was so loving and gentle, wants us to move in together now, sort of says the opposite and that he does want to get back together.

 

Both guys wore the donkey mask during some of our antics which was frighteningly sexy to me and I thought that I would be able to choose between them if I tried out both with the same sort of sex. They are both very different but no less erotic in their approach and the FWB was going on about needing to have that emotional connection before he can sleep with people so does this mean he has that with me? He held me a lot and was very attentive. While laying the slave game he was amazing. He also washed up and did some odd jobs about the house so he must care?

 

The ex wants to come round tonight. I told him that I have a date tonight that has been organised for a while now and that he should leave me alone for the time being so I can think about it all and he responded with comments about how great the sex was and how he loves me and wants to take it steady, see where things go and that I should cancel my date and see him...

 

I am so sorry this is long long but I really am in a fix here and I obviously can not talk to my friends or family about it - what would they think if they knew the truth about what I have been doing all weekend? Who do I choose and how do I get myself round all of this. I really like the sound of the guy I am going on the date with tonight. I think he could be perfect for me as long as I approach it right. Equally the Ex wants to move in and now the FWB is being even more attentive than before the B bit of the FWB...

 

Help!