Improbable Romance [UPDATE: Is "Stop" the Only Response?]

[CuriousQD]

CuriousQD, it is very easy to get attached to someone you don't see every day. The daily stressors aren't there. Talking to him is a break from reality. When you both pick up the phone you are able to totally focus on each other. But it isn't real its a break.

 

I was an OW for years. And here I am 6 years later, struggling to restart my life that I put on hold to be with someone that was not available to me.

 

As are a fantasy. You cannot live your life in a fantasy. Much as we would like to.

 

But if you are content to have an AP that you only talk to on the phone and see once/twice a year instead of going out and having a partner that you can see and touch when ever you want. So be it.

 

Thank you for this perspective. Do you completely regret your experience? What would you have done differently to avoid where you are now?

[oldshirt]

....and the reason I am not getting down on Francois' so much and not standing up for Mrs Francois' is this is obviously part of their dynamic as a couple.

 

This ain't his first rodeo and if chicks are flying in from America and his friends and family are feeding her breakfast and showing her the sights of the area, then that is not something that can really be kept hidden from some poor, naïve little wifey home sweating and slaving over a hot stove completely in the dark and unaware.

 

And if for some reason she is completely unaware and in the dark, with as much work and effort as people are putting in to keeping this a secret and as supportive as they are being of Curious, then there is a reason for it.

 

This is either a very open marriage and is a lifestyle choice for them. Or she is no Wife-Of-The-Year candidate.

 

Either way, he is choosing to stay in the marriage and take mistresses so it's not like he is going to packing up and moving to America to ride off into the sunset with Curious and she needs to be aware of that.

 

But this isn't a garden variety A with some joker diddling his secretary in the office while his innocent and trusting wife is home taking care of the home and children thinking everything is just wonderful.

[BluesPower]

Yes OS is very wise...

 

I just want to stress, for the love of everything holy, please do not fall in love. Just enjoy yourself.

 

Don't let yourself get hurt. I have seen too much of it and it gets UGLY.

 

Just have a fun and wonderful fling.

[CuriousQD]

In looking back at my posts I probably do come off as sounding somewhat supportive and complicit of your "affair." I am normally quite harsh on cheaters and OW/OM.

 

I think the difference here with you is that you do grasp that this is a long-awaited hormone surge and a school girl crush and that it is not actually a fairytale romance and that there is not going to be a true happy ending here.

 

I think you know you are going to get a bloody nose and maybe even a few stitches out of this deal in the end.

 

I have faith that you are smart enough and strong enough to stop it before you get to that point. But I also think if you want it bad enough and are aware you are going to get some dings and scrapes, but want to experience it anyway, then that is on you. You'll get what you get and we can all say I told you so.

 

I think what you are finding "comforting" here, is that you have known all along what the outcome will be and you are just having some others confirm it.

 

It's kinda like when you have to go in for surgery. You know that you are going to be laid up awhile. You know it's going to hurt for awhile and you know it's going to be miserable while you are home recovering. But if the surgeon can spell out for you how many days you'll be in the hospital off your feet, living on soup and pain medication and then how many days you'll be home on the couch before you are up living a normal life again, it makes it a lot easier than going in under the knife without any clue of what lies ahead.

 

You're gonna get hurt here. You're may have some fun a thrills another time or two and then it is all going to start to unwind and you are going to find out that Francois' is just another playa' and you are just another sex toy and that this fairy tale romance is nothing more than a very expensive and time consuming booty call and ego boost for both of you.

 

But you are getting your girl-game back on and you are going to transition from cheated-on divorcee to hot, single chick ready to take on the singles dating market again soon.

 

That may or may not be worth a bloody nose and some stitches to you.

 

 

I'm so glad I came here and can drink from the fountain of your wisdom! I am at the same time the biggest hypocrite ever but also reawakened and haven't felt this alive in some time.

 

You're absolutely right, which is why the strategy that I want to use is to start another relationship here. I am not sure I can do it, but my guess is that someone here and present would eventually drown out the call of "Francois." I know I won't want this new guy whoever he is, but if I force myself to continue, eventually, I'll be able to part ways with Francois. Is that bad? Unrealistic?

[oldshirt]

Are you saying though, that he couldn't be developing feelings for me? Just being the rooster in the hen house and that's it?

 

Good analogy.

 

Roosters have feelings for the hens while they a strutting their stuff and fluffing their feathers trying to score with them.

 

Once the hen is sitting on the eggs and not raising up their tail feathers for them, the rooster forgets about them and is off strutting and fluffing their feathers for other hens.

 

Horny feelings are feelings and after he cums, he has nice warm fuzzy feelings for awhile. So yes he has feelings for you, otherwise he wouldn't talk to you or do anything with you.

 

The take away though is this is still a hormone-driven crush and not the real deal. It's a fun diversion and distraction from your previous asexual life.

 

It was a fun fantasy fairytale romance that many women will drool over and envy you and it will be some memories that you will look back on and have a naughty little smirk and twinkle in your eye.

 

That is assuming that you don't lose your head and allow yourself to do anything dumb and allow yourself to get actually damaged and disheartened.

 

You will survive a bloody nose and some bumps and bruises in the course of getting your sexy back and getting back on the single market.

 

If you allow yourself to become one of these butt-bleeding, desperate, pathetic OW that truly believes this is their one love of a lifetime and that the MM will leave their W and live happily ever after with them, you will become damaged and disillusioned and embittered and scornful.

[oldshirt]

I'm so glad I came here and can drink from the fountain of your wisdom! I am at the same time the biggest hypocrite ever but also reawakened and haven't felt this alive in some time.

 

You're absolutely right, which is why the strategy that I want to use is to start another relationship here. I am not sure I can do it, but my guess is that someone here and present would eventually drown out the call of "Francois." I know I won't want this new guy whoever he is, but if I force myself to continue, eventually, I'll be able to part ways with Francois. Is that bad? Unrealistic?

 

I think that is just mental gymnastics that you are using to try to pull the wool over your own morals and value's eyes to justify to yourself fckng another woman's husband. In other words that is what you are telling yourself to justify your affair.

 

If you want to move on, get over this and take your new-found sexuality and vitality and get back on the legitimate dating market, then do it...

 

....today.

 

Booking another international flight and banging from Frenchie amongst the grape vines while his wife is home cooking supper and helping his child with homework is just continuing with another affair. All it's doing is using pretty words to cover it up. It's like spraying perfume around the bathroom after you take a big dump. There may be a perfume smell in the room but there is still a big ol' turd there and it still smells like $h1t.

 

you can keep spraying perfume around but you are still going to get $h1t on you here.

 

If you want to get back on the market and want to have a real relationship that is healthy and supportive and legitimate, then do that. Now. today. Get crack'n.

 

The time and energy you spend chasing this French fantasy fairytale is just time and energy wasted and delaying that which you actually want and which is actually good for you.

[CuriousQD]

....and the reason I am not getting down on Francois' so much and not standing up for Mrs Francois' is this is obviously part of their dynamic as a couple.

 

This ain't his first rodeo and if chicks are flying in from America and his friends and family are feeding her breakfast and showing her the sights of the area, then that is not something that can really be kept hidden from some poor, naïve little wifey home sweating and slaving over a hot stove completely in the dark and unaware.

 

And if for some reason she is completely unaware and in the dark, with as much work and effort as people are putting in to keeping this a secret and as supportive as they are being of Curious, then there is a reason for it.

 

This is either a very open marriage and is a lifestyle choice for them. Or she is no Wife-Of-The-Year candidate.

 

Either way, he is choosing to stay in the marriage and take mistresses so it's not like he is going to packing up and moving to America to ride off into the sunset with Curious and she needs to be aware of that.

 

But this isn't a garden variety A with some joker diddling his secretary in the office while his innocent and trusting wife is home taking care of the home and children thinking everything is just wonderful.

 

Hadn't thought of this. He told me that sometimes she does not get along with the aunt, but the way he described it, it sounded like squabbles over Sunday dinners. Of course it's much deeper than that. But I met male friends and female friends. It should have gotten back to her ASAP, so what on earth could be going on.

 

I don't expect him to come here. I accept no happily ever after is coming. Why doesn't he just turn into a jerk already so I can sever ties? Why is he sooooooo sweet? There must be a hundred women who are closer who he can carry on affairs with. Why bother with the American?

[oldshirt]

Let me give you the nuts and bolts and realities of it this way.

 

Right now there is a single, available, kind, decent, good looking man within an hour's drive of you that will be perfectly capable of putting your legs up over his shoulders and making your eyes roll up in the back of you head that you can have an honest, legitimate relationship with.

 

Every moment that you spend chasing and pining over Francois' is a moment that you are delaying getting together with that guy.

 

That is a fact and that is a cosmic truth no matter how you try to spin it or flower it up or spray perfume on it.

 

Time, energy and money spent on Francois' is time, energy and money wasted and time delayed until you have a real relationship.

 

I can't put it any clearer than that.

[oldshirt]

If you walk away now, this is a very romantic fairytale story that you may be able to tell your adult granddaughter some day.

 

If you continue to pursue it, at best you will delay getting with a decent guy for a real relationship.

 

And at worse you run a very real risk of being used and abused for years and years and end up a broken, bitter, scornful, angry, lonely, used up hag.

 

You make that choice for yourself by your own actions.

 

I can't put that any clearer either.

[CuriousQD]

Yes OS is very wise...

 

I just want to stress, for the love of everything holy, please do not fall in love. Just enjoy yourself.

 

Don't let yourself get hurt. I have seen too much of it and it gets UGLY.

 

Just have a fun and wonderful fling.

 

Noted! My head gets it, but I'm white-knuckling on not falling for this guy.

[oldshirt]

Hadn't thought of this. He told me that sometimes she does not get along with the aunt, but the way he described it, it sounded like squabbles over Sunday dinners. Of course it's much deeper than that. But I met male friends and female friends. It should have gotten back to her ASAP, so what on earth could be going on.

 

I don't expect him to come here. I accept no happily ever after is coming. Why doesn't he just turn into a jerk already so I can sever ties? Why is he sooooooo sweet? There must be a hundred women who are closer who he can carry on affairs with. Why bother with the American?

 

Not your monkey. Not your circus.

 

What goes on in his house and with his family and with his courtesans is not your concern.

[CuriousQD]

If you allow yourself to become one of these butt-bleeding, desperate, pathetic OW that truly believes this is their one love of a lifetime and that the MM will leave their W and live happily ever after with them, you will become damaged and disillusioned and embittered and scornful.

 

Butt-bleeding? :laugh: What on earth? I've never been in this company before, and that does not sound like a good deal. My head will prevail...someday.

[oldshirt]

 

but also reawakened and haven't felt this alive in some time.

 

You're absolutely right, which is why the strategy that I want to use is to start another relationship here.

 

Let me through this out there and let it soak in.

 

You are already there.

 

You already got your sexy back. I bet you sucked his junk like robin sucking a worm out of ground after an April shower. You already have it in you (I swear to God no pun intended)

 

You are like the tin man, scarecrow and lion at the end of the Wizard of Oz. You don't need anyone to give you sexy because you already have it and you have already lived it.

 

You are hot and sexy and desirable. And you got da skilz.

 

Now you just need to put your credit card down, don't book the flight and go out into your own town and put that sexy and those skilz to work for you.

 

Yes, we all get it that you are hung up on Francois' at the moment. Those feelings for him will fade over time if you stay away from him and they will fall off precipitously once you start dating legitimate men at home.

 

It may not be the first man you date or even the tenth but it will happen.

 

You are like the scarecrow, you do have brains. You're like the tin man and you do have a heart. And you are like the lion and you do have courage.

 

You already have what you need. You just need to get out there and put it all to work for you.

[CuriousQD]

 

....today.

 

This word stands out. It tells me I am not ready, and I should mention I really don't have the skills to do. This whole thing caught me by complete surprise. I hadn't said more than two sentences to this man while we were standing in line in the same place back in September. Hadn't a clue he even took any notice of me, and then he caught me alone and started kissing me. I was like a deer in headlights, and you know the rest.

 

Before that, Workaholic was my middle name. I've pulled at least one all-nighter for work every week for the past SIX years. Everyone in my life has stopped asking what's new with me because the answer is always the same. I haven't even been able to keep all of my friends as close because of how work has been. So you're saying go meet a man and start a real relationship. How? is a very honest question.

[CuriousQD]

Let me through this out there and let it soak in.

 

You are already there.

 

You already got your sexy back. I bet you sucked his junk like robin sucking a worm out of ground after an April shower. You already have it in you (I swear to God no pun intended)

 

You are like the tin man, scarecrow and lion at the end of the Wizard of Oz. You don't need anyone to give you sexy because you already have it and you have already lived it.

 

You are hot and sexy and desirable. And you got da skilz.

 

Now you just need to put your credit card down, don't book the flight and go out into your own town and put that sexy and those skilz to work for you.

 

Yes, we all get it that you are hung up on Francois' at the moment. Those feelings for him will fade over time if you stay away from him and they will fall off precipitously once you start dating legitimate men at home.

 

It may not be the first man you date or even the tenth but it will happen.

 

You are like the scarecrow, you do have brains. You're like the tin man and you do have a heart. And you are like the lion and you do have courage.

 

You already have what you need. You just need to get out there and put it all to work for you.

 

I just spit out all the water I was drinking, and almost coughed up a lung laughing at this....guilty as charged. :laugh:

 

**Clicking my heels three times.** (but I booked two weeks ago...)

[oldshirt]

This word stands out. It tells me I am not ready, and I should mention I really don't have the skills to do.

 

I call BS on this Scarecrow.

 

See my post #38 above.

 

you got da skilz.

 

I'm bet'n poor old Francois' is still wobbly in the knees and still doesn't know what him.

 

I'm kinda envious of him in a way ;-)

[oldshirt]

 

(but I booked two weeks ago...)

 

That's the beauty of travel insurance m'dear.

 

And even if you didn't purchase the insurance and were still hell bent on going, that doesn't mean you can't go and hit the clubs and hot spots and dance and party the nights away with eligible single guys instead of seeing him while you are over there.

 

That would be quite the adventure. A lot of people would like to hear all about that.

[CuriousQD]

I call BS on this Scarecrow.

 

See my post #38 above.

 

you got da skilz.

 

I'm bet'n poor old Francois' is still wobbly in the knees and still doesn't know what him.

 

I'm kinda envious of him in a way ;-)

 

:laugh: You have more confidence than I do about that. I meant the go-meet-people-and-start-relationships skill. Like I said, I didn't pursue him or even flirt with him in the beginning, and I didn't even know he noticed me. I haven't been out there on the prowl in ages.

[oldshirt]

 

So you're saying go meet a man and start a real relationship. How? is a very honest question.

 

That is a question for the fine folks over at the "In Search Of" and the "Dating" forums.

 

Our job here is help you navigate through the treacherous waters of being an OW.

 

They are the ones that can help you get back up and running on the dating market.

 

Getting back on the dating market is scary, we get it.

 

But very few things will be worse that being hung up on a married man on the other side of the world and being stuck in a tiny little pigeon hole of being his side dish.

 

It will be scary and it won't come without effort and few bumps and bruises as well. But you already have the brains, courage, heart and sexy within you.

 

Pose your dating questions to them over on those forums. People have given you good advice, insight and personal experiences here with this matter. There is no reason to think you would not get equally good advice, insight and personal experiences on those forums as well.

[CuriousQD]

That's the beauty of travel insurance m'dear.

 

And even if you didn't purchase the insurance and were still hell bent on going, that doesn't mean you can't go and hit the clubs and hot spots and dance and party the nights away with eligible single guys instead of seeing him while you are over there.

 

That would be quite the adventure. A lot of people would like to hear all about that.

 

Hmmm, well of course I was being cheap and didn't get the insurance. But my girlfriend actually knows a few people there and I've all kept in touch here and there, so that is a possibility.

[CuriousQD]

That is a question for the fine folks over at the "In Search Of" and the "Dating" forums.

 

Our job here is help you navigate through the treacherous waters of being an OW.

 

They are the ones that can help you get back up and running on the dating market.

 

Getting back on the dating market is scary, we get it.

 

But very few things will be worse that being hung up on a married man on the other side of the world and being stuck in a tiny little pigeon hole of being his side dish.

 

It will be scary and it won't come without effort and few bumps and bruises as well. But you already have the brains, courage, heart and sexy within you.

 

Pose your dating questions to them over on those forums. People have given you good advice, insight and personal experiences here with this matter. There is no reason to think you would not get equally good advice, insight and personal experiences on those forums as well.

 

 

Thank you, Oldshirt. Is there some kind of medal I can give you for scratching out my head? LOL. And thanks to everyone who's giving me a dose of reality. I really appreciate all the advice.

[oldshirt]

I didn't pursue him or even flirt with him in the beginning, and I didn't even know he noticed me. I haven't been out there on the prowl in ages.

 

That means one of two things -

 

- one is that you do got it going on and you caught his eye and he was moved to get with you. and if he's as hot as you make him out to be, that means you got it going on enough to do it again.

 

- and the other is that he is a total predator that could smell your desperation and smell you blood in the water and it triggered his predator instincts to attack.

 

And the answer to both of those situations is to get back out there and get your sea legs back. If you got it going on then you can get back out there and things will get there and fall into place.

 

And on there other hand if you are that desperate and pathetic that sharks are smelling blood in the water, then the answer to that is to bump up your girl-game and get back out there and get your own fighting instincts developed back up again. You'll need to get your confidence and skillset back up so you don't continue to be vulnerable to predators, playa's and users.

 

The fix is the same either way.

[freengreen]

Hmmm, this is excellent perspective I never considered. Your guy sounds a lot like mine. I do believe some men have this thing about them that is irresistible. And we temporarily lose our minds when we get caught up in that mist. What made you able to step back and leave the EA?

 

I was plain tired of his games. Sometimes he came too obvious that he had an agenda and it was not me as in person but what he could gain out of me. Then when I saw it, I also saw what my husband has been doing for me all these years . I know it sounds strange, why i only see now but somehow I started to see all good yhings in my H. We had fights but still he loved me for ME notbecause he had an agenda.

 

I had already started NC and D Day happened. It came handy.

 

I miss the banter me and MM had . I miss his wooing words.But they were just words. If I see through it all, it was more of a pain and a lying life.

[Southwardbound]

I am a current OW, so you should know I have nothing against this. But, some long distance relationships are harder than others. And this one you've decided to embark upon, is not going to be an easy one.

 

So, saying that: Regardless of how you feel about him and he may feel about you, you haven't really thought much about it sounds like about the whole long-term logistics of a relationship like this.

 

You live in the USA (?), he lives somewhere in the EU (?). You can only live over there for so many months on a tourist visa, & then they kick you out. Your other option is a fiance visa or a married persons visa - all of which you WILL need if you wish to long-term live together. But neither of those visa's are possible for you, or him, since he is Married.

 

So, not meaning to be crude, nor mean, but the reality is- : unless he decides to get a divorce- this will never be more than an expensive (literally - if you figure in overseas flights cost, lost pay, etc.) good-time romp holiday.

 

If you're ok with knowing the reality of that, then by all means go have some fun. But, if you're not, then, you really need to have a think about whether or not this is in your best emotional & financial long-term interest.

[CuriousQD]

That means one of two things -

 

- one is that you do got it going on and you caught his eye and he was moved to get with you. and if he's as hot as you make him out to be, that means you got it going on enough to do it again.

 

- and the other is that he is a total predator that could smell your desperation and smell you blood in the water and it triggered his predator instincts to attack.

 

And the answer to both of those situations is to get back out there and get your sea legs back. If you got it going on then you can get back out there and things will get there and fall into place.

 

And on there other hand if you are that desperate and pathetic that sharks are smelling blood in the water, then the answer to that is to bump up your girl-game and get back out there and get your own fighting instincts developed back up again. You'll need to get your confidence and skillset back up so you don't continue to be vulnerable to predators, playa's and users.

 

The fix is the same either way.

 

Hmmm, I hope I have it going on, because I don't know what I could have said or done to make him think anything of me. But point taken. Me 2.0 is coming along nicely, and you'll be happy to know someone who works in my office building asked me to lunch today. It was a dutch-treat in the cafeteria downstairs. I had already bought my food when he said I could join him because there were no tables left. I sat there and listened, thought of Francois the whole time, but I stayed put and got his phone number!