Why can some women not forget the past?

[Frozensushi]

It's actually not petty. Petty is forgetting to put the toothpaste lid on. Your girlfriend was being downright unreasonable.

It worries me when people write off arguments as being petty. I suspect that most times they aren't petty at all.

 

My Ex and I had planned a camping trip together. I bought supplies and equipment in preparation. We got into a fight over, something stupid, she told me she needed space. A few days later was the trip, but I still hadn't heard from her so I guess she called it off. The following day I started seeing all these pics on Facebook of her and a friend on the trip. It really hurt that she went without me, so I unfollowed her posts as they were very upsetting.

 

A few days later, the first contact I get from her was angry texts about how I was 'liking' all these other people's posts but not hers. Completely oblivious to the fact that these photos of her on the trip we planned together, you know, might be upsetting for me.

 

At the time I considered her being angry about that was petty. Now, though, perhaps I too was just writing it off like Woggle did with his Ex.

 

ugh, It's so confusing. lol

[Sunkissedpatio]

One time my ex and I were trying to decide a place to eat and I asked her what she felt like. She told me that she didn't care and as man it was my place to decide. She wouldn't give me the slightest hint as to what she felt like so I picked what I wanted and she blamed me for not magically reading her mind on what she wanted and never forgot about it. It was so petty.

 

Wow that's bat-sht crazy not petty. The whole you are "the man it's your place to decide..." to then balk at your choice is pretty crazy-making stuff.

 

so is this wow!

 

My Ex and I had planned a camping trip together. I bought supplies and equipment in preparation. We got into a fight over, something stupid, she told me she needed space. A few days later was the trip, but I still hadn't heard from her so I guess she called it off. The following day I started seeing all these pics on Facebook of her and a friend on the trip. It really hurt that she went without me, so I unfollowed her posts as they were very upsetting.

 

A few days later, the first contact I get from her was angry texts about how I was 'liking' all these other people's posts but not hers. Completely oblivious to the fact that these photos of her on the trip we planned together, you know, might be upsetting for me.

 

[Sunkissedpatio]

Example, she made a homemade pizza one time with this gluten free crust. She never made it before. The crust was literally hard as a rock, she knew it was bad. She asked me how I liked it. I was honest and told her the crust was almost impossible to eat but the toppings were amazing, but I just didn't like the crust. I said, 'I'm sure next time you'll nail it'. She got so upset and told me how hurtful that was and you're not supposed to tell people things like that when they do something nice for you.

 

I remember the first time I made bread and it so hard it was completely inedible and my bf at the time and I laughed and laughed and laughed about it, it was hilarious. We took it to feed the ducks but decided it was probably lethal to them so we chucked it away. It was a great day.

 

 

We had just gotten back from a trip to St Maarten and had dinner out on the French side of the island at this place that made these delicious beef skewer things that were marinated in orange to tenderize the meat and add flavour. We loved them so much I had asked the waiter to give us a rundown of how to recreated them.

 

When we got home I tried to find the right cut of meat and followed the instructions and it just turned out like orange flavoured meat they were quite revolting actually.

 

I remember looking at this face when we took the first bite and we both looked at each other and he tried so hard to pretend like it was ok and I said it's ok we don't have to eat them. And we both started laughing. We went out down the street to our fave pub for a burger instead.

 

You gotta be able to laugh at yourself.

[dreamingoftigers]

We had just gotten back from a trip to St Maarten and had dinner out on the French side of the island at this place that made these delicious beef skewer things that were marinated in orange to tenderize the meat and add flavour. We loved them so much I had asked the waiter to give us a rundown of how to recreated them.

 

When we got home I tried to find the right cut of meat and followed the instructions and it just turned out like orange flavoured meat they were quite revolting actually.

 

I remember looking at this face when we took the first bite and we both looked at each other and he tried so hard to pretend like it was ok and I said it's ok we don't have to eat them. And we both started laughing. We went out down the street to our fave pub for a burger instead.

 

You gotta be able to laugh at yourself.

 

I remember I made this dish for my neighbour in a slow-cooker that she would have liked. But then she never showed to get it. (Really annoying circumstance actually. Like "I'm not inviting you for anything anymore" circumstance.) So my husband tried some of it and just gagged.

 

He hates cooked carrots, sweet potatoes and anything that sweetens meat or vegetables. It was a cooked carrot, sweet potato with this weird fig-OJ marinade. (I know, yuck) so I got stuck with this icky pot of food that I couldn't give to a homeless person.

 

We ended up giving it to my friend's Mom who had it with the roast and actually ate ALL of it. (It must be generational).

 

But that food became the benchmark for many jokes and "please don't be mad at me enough to make THAT for dinner."

[Sunkissedpatio]

Dreaming - that actually sounds pretty good

[dreamingoftigers]

Dreaming - that actually sounds pretty good

 

Well any time I get mad at my husband enough to make a dish like that, you can have it after he refuses it.

[basil67]

Dreaming - that actually sounds pretty good

 

I agree. Sounds like some type of North African tagine. Yum

[Sunkissedpatio]

Well any time I get mad at my husband enough to make a dish like that, you can have it after he refuses it.

 

Sure! Just don't try to pass me the recipe because as we already know, I'll end up down at the pub for a burger instead.

 

(I'm actually a pretty good cook, but every so often I make a stinker of a miss)

 

I bought fresh basil in China town once, or what I thought it was, and made an entire lasagna with mint. It turned out surprisingly ok.

 

@Basil mmmm I love tagine!!!

[dreamingoftigers]

I agree. Sounds like some type of North African tagine. Yum

 

No. It's wasn't really like that.

 

I like Tagine. H and I go for Morrocan food when it's convenient

[dreamingoftigers]

Sure! Just don't try to pass me the recipe because as we already know, I'll end up down at the pub for a burger instead.

 

(I'm actually a pretty good cook, but every so often I make a stinker of a miss)

 

I bought fresh basil in China town once, or what I thought it was, and made an entire lasagna with mint. It turned out surprisingly ok.

 

@Basil mmmm I love tagine!!!

 

Once I asked H to pick up some Marsala to marinade / simmer chicken in. Then I left the recipe on the counter and had to finish getting ready. So he put the marinade together and it didn't look right.

 

He had gotten MASALA, the spice blend.... So it didn't work at all. It was pretty funny.

 

And no, in keeping with the thread topic, o don't love him less for it.

[Blanco]

I am a bit surprised at how shocked, irritated, indignant or angry some men are over the fact that a woman may be keeping score over perceived misdemeanours and hurts.

What do they expect? That a woman will just forget or ignore bad behaviour for ever and a day?

No-one sensible and intelligent is going to get hurt over and over again and just accept that, of course they are going to remember, take note and put it away for future reference.

 

It's important to remember that there's a difference between remembering past indiscretions of your partner and keeping score over every perceived infraction of your partner.

 

Most of the accounts I'm reading here are about partners with impossibly high standards. Their memory for "bad" behavior goes deeper than poor treatment or disrespect. These are the people who cannot let go that maybe the guy doesn't load the dishwasher to her liking. The type of score-keeping that the other person has no chance against, because the simple act of being human will chronically lead to more additions to the mental list.

[Blanco]

If my husband raises an issue with me, I ALWAYS take it seriously. I know him well enough to know that he doesn't gripe about things which don't matter. He does the same with me.

 

Because we take each other's concerns seriously, we listen to each other without trying to defend our position. This is why we don't fight over small stuff. Thing is, if we dismiss each other's concerns as being petty then we'd end up in a cycle of fighting without resolution.

 

This wound up being a major issue for me that just drained me so much that by the end of the relationship, I could no longer muster the initiative to discuss any relationship issues.

 

I'm atypical for a guy in that I actually like sitting down and going over a pressing issue, assume it's done in a productive and healthy manner. I can count on one hand how many times in a few years a concern or gripe of mine was actually received in a way that let me know my partner had my back and put value in my thoughts, even if she didn't necessarily see it the same way. The more common outcome was to either have my concerns marginalized ("Oh, you're so dramatic!") or turned against me, ("Well, you did this unrelated thing a while ago, so I was justified in acting like this.")

 

My ex was a calm, monotone person, so it took me an insane amount of time to realize that no matter how calm and articulate I was about a relationship issue, she either dismissed it or went on the defense, because being in the right was more important to her.

[Blanco]

She told me one night in bed. She might have had one too many glasses of wine. It was unnerving. But it made me feel determined not to be just another statistic on her timeline of failed relationships. That's why I tried so hard to make an impossible relationship succeed.

 

Lesson learned!

 

Unfortunately, it's far too common for both men and women to see a red flag in a partner/potential partner and view it as a challenge to be conquered rather than a sign to GTFO.

[basil67]

It's important to remember that there's a difference between remembering past indiscretions of your partner and keeping score over every perceived infraction of your partner.

 

Most of the accounts I'm reading here are about partners with impossibly high standards. Their memory for "bad" behavior goes deeper than poor treatment or disrespect. These are the people who cannot let go that maybe the guy doesn't load the dishwasher to her liking. The type of score-keeping that the other person has no chance against, because the simple act of being human will chronically lead to more additions to the mental list.

 

I agree 100%.

 

I think that one of the areas of misunderstanding in this thread is the lack of distinction between keeping track of ALL wrong things done over time vs remembering the really serious stuff which may become real issues in time if it's kept up.

 

I suspect that some of the male posters have experienced the former when the rest of us who are justifying remembering are talking about the latter.

 

As in all things, it's about moderation.

[Blanco]

One time my ex and I were trying to decide a place to eat and I asked her what she felt like. She told me that she didn't care and as man it was my place to decide. She wouldn't give me the slightest hint as to what she felt like so I picked what I wanted and she blamed me for not magically reading her mind on what she wanted and never forgot about it. It was so petty.

 

Ah yes, the mind-reading expectations.

 

I cannot tell you how many times I got on her bad side for not inferring what she wanted or expected me to do. I would tell her that I don't always pick up on cues and can, quite frankly, lack some common sense, so I'm not always thinking, "Hey, I should do this right now." A quick workaround would just be asking me to do something, since I rarely gave her any pushback on such requests.

 

But in her mind, I should've just been on her wavelength. Her excuse for expecting that was that she and her ex (the father of her kids) had always just been on the same page and could take care of a lot of things without verbal cues. I always thought that was amusing, because I could distinctly remember countless times early in our relationship where she would complain about little things he had done wrong/differently than she would have.

 

In retrospect, those early gripes about him should've been my heads up on what to expect if we progressed the relationship. Live and learn.

[Blanco]

I agree 100%.

 

I think that one of the areas of misunderstanding in this thread is the lack of distinction between keeping track of ALL wrong things done over time vs remembering the really serious stuff which may become real issues in time if it's kept up.

 

I suspect that some of the male posters have experienced the former when the rest of us who are justifying remembering are talking about the latter.

 

As in all things, it's about moderation.

 

Right. I'm defensive, but in relationships, I am generally receptive to things that are bothering my partner. But with that one, I just got to a point where I felt like she was moving the goalposts, and there was literally no way around supposedly messing up in some fashion.

 

I feel like I've got dozens of stories where it seemed like I was retroactively in trouble for doing the wrong thing in an earlier situation. The right thing, after a while, literally seemed to be the opposite of whatever I had done, even when I was modifying my behavior in accordance with what I thought she would want me to be doing.

Edited November 28, 2016 by Blanco

[Frozensushi]

Unfortunately, it's far too common for both men and women to see a red flag in a partner/potential partner and view it as a challenge to be conquered rather than a sign to GTFO.

 

To be honest, that was just yet another thing to put on the long list of red flags. If you knew all the stuff, you'd probably think I needed my head examined for putting up with it all. It's really is no surprise she had so many failed relationships.

 

It makes me wonder about a person like that. Going through life and never being able to sustain a healthy relationship and quite possibly, never even knowing what one is like. Do they even consider it might be them?

 

You know, going through something like that has given me a whole new appreciation for healthy relationships.

[elaine567]

It's important to remember that there's a difference between remembering past indiscretions of your partner and keeping score over every perceived infraction of your partner.

 

Most of the accounts I'm reading here are about partners with impossibly high standards. Their memory for "bad" behavior goes deeper than poor treatment or disrespect. These are the people who cannot let go that maybe the guy doesn't load the dishwasher to her liking. The type of score-keeping that the other person has no chance against, because the simple act of being human will chronically lead to more additions to the mental list.

 

I agree that loading the dishwasher wrongly is a very minor indiscretion but I guess not many relationships fail ONLY because the dishwasher wasn't loaded properly or at all.

However the dishwasher problem can identify deeper issues.

Not listening, refusing to listen, minimizing her concerns, over ruling her, taking her for granted, always being right even when obviously wrong... etc. etc.

All deeper issues that a simple thing like loading the dishwasher, may highlight.

The straw that finally broke the camel's back did not weigh 10 tons, did it?

[elaine567]

If you knew all the stuff, you'd probably think I needed my head examined for putting up with it all.

 

Watch this video, you probably put up with all that because you suffer from a degree of People Pleaser Syndrome -

[Sunkissedpatio]

Can I just say how much I love Richard Grannon!!

 

When I first discovered him online I ate up all his videos. Aside from the obvious, he is so engaging and charismatic and absolutely hilarious, he has a really good grasp on abuse in relationships. Some of his stuff really cross-referenced with what I've learned through therapy.

 

Great recco Elaine, I forgot about him.

[Frozensushi]

Watch this video, you probably put up with all that because you suffer from a degree of People Pleaser Syndrome -

 

Thanks for sharing, I watched the video. I do resemble some of those traits. I understand how this could be seen as "enabling" behavior on my part. Going out of my way to please her and focusing on her needs whereas my own weren't even considered. Allowing her bad behavior to slide and getting punished anytime I did something she didn't like (even if she had done the same thing to me). Yeah, I sort of allowed myself to become the epitome of a walking doormat.

 

It was a manipulation, I see it now. At the time, being in the heart of it, I was convinced she must have had valid reasons for always getting so mad at me. Always telling me I needed to get help. It wasn't until later on, I started asking some female friends if what I did or said was wrong. They all were pretty horrified and shocked I would stay with her after all that.

 

I'm working on it, boundaries, self-respect, integrity. Thank you for the advice.

[basil67]

To all the ladies commenting on this topic currently and any others that want to join in WHAT would it take for you to see your man was serious about changing for the better?

 

If you are currently in a new relationship or are broken up with someone WHAT would it take for you to see him and not question if he has changed or not?

 

I started this asking why it seems some people cannot forgive and forget but since men forgive and forget so easily and (stupidly?) what would it take to forgive someone and really accept the change in them if it was genuine? What would it take to break The emotionally wall you built within you?

 

If I was currently in a relationship, demonstrating sustained change would make me believe. The longer he kept it up, the more confident in him I would become.

 

If we had broken up, I would not give another chance. When I'm done, I'm DONE. It's not because I haven't forgiven (I don't hold grudges), it's because I've gotten to the stage of having zero love and attraction left for him.

 

I think it's a mistake to suggest that all men forgive and forget easily. There are plenty of men who have strong boundaries and dump women without regret.

[Sunkissedpatio]

This might sum up this thread up rather nicely...maybe it is a bit of a

lady's world after all. Thanks guys for putting up with us