Why can some women not forget the past?

[Popbradley]

I know this sounds PRETTY sexist but I do not mean it to come across like that at all. I have done a lot of research into the area and have seen countless times women usually fall out of love because they only think about the bad in the relationship and don't think about the good at all.

 

Example with my ex girlfriend from a few months back. She fell out of love with me and to this day never gave me a real solid reason why. I have found out on my own more than likely all the reasons why but that's not the point of this.

 

When we were still in contact if I EVER brought up anything from the past she would turn it into something negative and you could STILL see the anger she had over something I said or did. She even remembered a fight we had 6 freaking years ago and something I said out of anger...yet we had talked a while back and I mentioned I learned a song from the past on the piano and she said "omg... I totally forgot about that song... I remember you playing it for me and how happy you were... Omg you are so sweet."

 

I on the other hand have ALWAYS gotten past the fights and only remember most of the good things unless I REALLY dig deep. She didn't even have to dig to bring up something that happened one time 6 years ago lol.

 

So why is this? Why is it so hard for them to let go of the past? I want to know all this for my next relationship so I can learn in the areas I failed in this one.

[Blanco]

If the person, man or woman, doesn't want the relationship anymore, they're not going to usually let themselves dwell too much on the positives of the other person.

 

It's often just a matter of time. If they're well-adjusted, then they'll be able to acknowledge the positive aspects and the good times once enough time has passed since the end of the relationship.

[elaine567]

Warning: Generalisations follow

 

1) Men seem to be very good at forgetting fights and disagreements, it may have been ugly and nasty at the time, but it is soon forgotten and it is a clean slate again.

 

2) Men tend to be good at dominating women and winning the argument, so he goes away thinking everything is great now, as they talked and she agreed with him..

 

3) Men are good at minimising women's concerns.

 

1) Women, after a fight/argument/misdemeanour don't tend to forget, it is not a clean slate it has mark on it. Next issue adds another mark and on and on. Nothing is forgotten, until one day she sees a slate with loads of dirty marks on it and she then decides to end it. He is blind-sided, he had no idea, to his mind all that stuff she now brings up as reasons for the split, he thought were all forgotten and done and dusted.

 

2) Women often end up after arguments feeling less than happy. They tend to want to keep the peace and capitulate rather than agreeing totally with the "agreed" result of the making up talk.

He wins the argument, but rather than confront the issue head on, she tells herself that it is OK, but resentment builds. Women tend to be good at storing up resentment.

Again he is blind-sided he thought they were on the same page, but she only agreed as that is what he wanted.

 

3) Women want the fairy tale. Perceived misdemeanours hence take on huge significance and are rarely forgotten. "Love" may mean some women will put up with a lot, but tolerance is not a bottomless pit and again she will be keeping score.

 

Of course not all women and men are like this, but enough are IME.

[Sweetfish]

I know this sounds PRETTY sexist but I do not mean it to come across like that at all. I have done a lot of research into the area and have seen countless times women usually fall out of love because they only think about the bad in the relationship and don't think about the good at all.

 

Example with my ex girlfriend from a few months back. She fell out of love with me and to this day never gave me a real solid reason why. I have found out on my own more than likely all the reasons why but that's not the point of this.

 

When we were still in contact if I EVER brought up anything from the past she would turn it into something negative and you could STILL see the anger she had over something I said or did. She even remembered a fight we had 6 freaking years ago and something I said out of anger...yet we had talked a while back and I mentioned I learned a song from the past on the piano and she said "omg... I totally forgot about that song... I remember you playing it for me and how happy you were... Omg you are so sweet."

 

I on the other hand have ALWAYS gotten past the fights and only remember most of the good things unless I REALLY dig deep. She didn't even have to dig to bring up something that happened one time 6 years ago lol.

 

So why is this? Why is it so hard for them to let go of the past? I want to know all this for my next relationship so I can learn in the areas I failed in this one.

 

I think your assuming. Since your the dumpee you only see the good. As a defense mechanism she only see's the bad.

 

It's simply your reference point is not on point. There are a lot of women who are treated bad by their boyfriend or husband that stay in the relationship just as much women treat men bad. It's simply relative.

[Slimtripper]

I think your assuming. Since your the dumpee you only see the good. As a defense mechanism she only see's the bad.

.

 

This is so true as to what happens. I chased a girl back that I had dumped. She text me after I broke up with her but all I could see was the negative.

Eventually after dumping someone u see the positive and for me it niggles at me until I knew I wanted to work it out.

I think with women though, when they are out they are out. Maybe a year down th line and you're both brand new people. But once her mind is made up, if she's got some intelligence and isn't needy or clingy, then it's done

[basil67]

Sometimes I've seen people who know that leaving a relationship is the right thing to do, but struggle with it anyway. My advice to them is to write a list on the fridge with all the reasons why you shouldn't go back.

 

And for what it's worth, I find that pain can run deep and cause rifts which we never truly recover from. That thing you said to her six years ago, it obviously really hurt her and she's not been able to let it go. Words can cut really deep and can never be taken back.

 

If you want to learn for future relationships, be it that you NEVER say things you don't mean or things that are hurtful.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I can't say for sure why we have such keen memories when it comes to bad times in a relationship but suddenly forget that we had already spent $200 on shoes last week (I'm not even kidding it isn't selective memory some of us actually forget really obvious things like that but can remember what was said in a fight on a Tuesday in Nov in 2011)

 

But I will tell you that because of this every time a man goes too far and says something he really regrets in a fight we never forget that.

 

It's like Elaine said we hold an involuntary record that is not a clean slate of all the bad incidents that hurt us deeply and you can say sorry, and show us with actions that you are remorseful and feel bad for what you did/said, but every time you do it again that slate gets fuller.

 

So the thing to remember is not so much why we can't forget these things but more so that if you make a mistake, learn from it and don't repeat it. Every hurtful action that is repeated gets stored away but erodes our view of you and feelings for you.

[BikerAccnt]

Warning: Generalisations follow

 

1) Men seem to be very good at forgetting fights and disagreements, it may have been ugly and nasty at the time, but it is soon forgotten and it is a clean slate again.

 

2) Men tend to be good at dominating women and winning the argument, so he goes away thinking everything is great now, as they talked and she agreed with him..

 

3) Men are good at minimising women's concerns.

 

1) Women, after a fight/argument/misdemeanour don't tend to forget, it is not a clean slate it has mark on it. Next issue adds another mark and on and on. Nothing is forgotten, until one day she sees a slate with loads of dirty marks on it and she then decides to end it. He is blind-sided, he had no idea, to his mind all that stuff she now brings up as reasons for the split, he thought were all forgotten and done and dusted.

 

2) Women often end up after arguments feeling less than happy. They tend to want to keep the peace and capitulate rather than agreeing totally with the "agreed" result of the making up talk.

He wins the argument, but rather than confront the issue head on, she tells herself that it is OK, but resentment builds. Women tend to be good at storing up resentment.

Again he is blind-sided he thought they were on the same page, but she only agreed as that is what he wanted.

 

3) Women want the fairy tale. Perceived misdemeanours hence take on huge significance and are rarely forgotten. "Love" may mean some women will put up with a lot, but tolerance is not a bottomless pit and again she will be keeping score.

 

Of course not all women and men are like this, but enough are IME.

 

Agree with all of this, however i do think the minimizing thing can often go both ways. Saying that, if more couples, both men and women, would speak up, not keep the peace, and fight tooth and nail on matters that are important to them, have a conversation without trying to win, maybe meant at the end of things both could move forward and wipe the slate.

 

Problem is, sometimes one partner just doesn't want to talk about a problem, even if the other is willing, then the issues just get buried, fester and as you say, mark up the slate.

[Blanco]

I have a family member who was in education for decades and used to do class candy fundraisers to help bankroll certain activities for her classes. She can remember a lot of the students who still owe for candy from 1991, even though she can barely remember what day it is a lot of the time.

[Slimtripper]

I think it's because women are always thinking long term. Men are mostly not.

I know i am not.

My thought process is that im happy like this. Then ill start putting in less effort and getting comfortable.

Women, are always thinking long term, from the first date. What you do and say tells them if you are a safe bet long term and if they don't think you are. Then they have the mindset to cut if off now rather than be stuck in this.

Probably has something to do with them having eggs and men not. As a man i can impregnate someone pretty much until im dead. If you know that before a certain time you have to have kids, start a family, all that kinda stuff.

Then you're more likely to base your decisions like that.

Its a much better way of doing things.

[Frozensushi]

1) Women, after a fight/argument/misdemeanour don't tend to forget, it is not a clean slate it has mark on it. Next issue adds another mark and on and on. Nothing is forgotten, until one day she sees a slate with loads of dirty marks on it and she then decides to end it. He is blind-sided, he had no idea, to his mind all that stuff she now brings up as reasons for the split, he thought were all forgotten and done and dusted.

.

 

I'd like to add something. Men try to make amends with women by garnering enough goodwill through acts of kindness and understanding that it will balance things out. But when things go awry and she pulls out her slate, none of those "acts of goodwill/kindness" are present, just the bad.

 

Also, I have found that unfounded accusations made by women that were later proven baseless still get marked off on said 'slate'.

[BikerAccnt]

But I will tell you that because of this every time a man goes too far and says something he really regrets in a fight we never forget that.

 

It's like Elaine said we hold an involuntary record that is not a clean slate of all the bad incidents that hurt us deeply and you can say sorry, and show us with actions that you are remorseful and feel bad for what you did/said, but every time you do it again that slate gets fuller.

 

.

 

I really wish I understood this about women, because in my experience, it is so much different than we men. Generally, if a GF really upsets me, for whatever reason sans something deal breaking like cheating, if she really apologizes, and is remorseful about it. I tend to forget about it. I don't have this "slate". Now if she keeps doing the same thing over and over, that's different. It shows she wasn't really remorseful or sorry.

 

But if I've forgiven and forgotten about incident A, and Incident B happens a few months down the road, I don't tie A+B = C and oops her slate is filling up. I only have B I'm worrying about.

 

Again, it does matter what the incidents are but, if they are indeed misdemeanors, most guys will forget it and move on.

[BikerAccnt]

Also, I have found that unfounded accusations made by women that were later proven baseless still get marked off on said 'slate'.

 

 

Truth..my GF, soon to be ex I fear, keeps accusing me of talking to my previous EX, simply because I see her at my MC club meetings, and because I was foolish enough to answer her truthfully if I've ever talked to her after our breakup last year. I told her that yes, she texted me once to ask about club related stuff. And that's it period. One time in one year and..she asks me if I'm still talking to my Ex at least once a month. She thru it in again when we argued about something completely different last week.

 

I'm sure my imaginary conversations are filling up the slate :/

[Slimtripper]

Truth..my GF, soon to be ex I fear, keeps accusing me of talking to my previous EX, simply because I see her at my MC club meetings, and because I was foolish enough to answer her truthfully if I've ever talked to her after our breakup last year. I told her that yes, she texted me once to ask about club related stuff. And that's it period. One time in one year and..she asks me if I'm still talking to my Ex at least once a month. She thru it in again when we argued about something completely different last week.

 

I'm sure my imaginary conversations are filling up the slate :/

 

What are you doing talking to your ex though? For me, that's a huge no no.

I mentioned above that i broke up with a girl once and that was why. She wanted to be friends when we eventually broke up again saying that she is friends with all her exes.

That pretty much made up my mind that i was out of there.

U gotta leave that in the past. if she goes the same place as u, u stop going there

[Sunkissedpatio]

Agree with all of this, however i do think the minimizing thing can often go both ways. Saying that, if more couples, both men and women, would speak up, not keep the peace, and fight tooth and nail on matters that are important to them, have a conversation without trying to win, maybe meant at the end of things both could move forward and wipe the slate.

 

Problem is, sometimes one partner just doesn't want to talk about a problem, even if the other is willing, then the issues just get buried, fester and as you say, mark up the slate.

 

This an interesting point and the other notion is that suppressing for the sake of peace also builds a tonne of resentment.

 

Brings up a really crappy memory for me of my last relationship in that he used to tell me he would let me "have certain things" in terms of my way of doing something for example because if it clearly meant more to me than it meant to him, he was willing to let that go and it wasn't worth squabbling over.

 

So for example, it was important (or better yet my preference was) to not use Windex and paper towels to clean an entire bathroom counter top and surrounding areas. I preferred we used cleaning products that were appropriate for the toilet on the toilet, Windex for all the mirrors and cleaning product for the counters and sinks and wet cloths (isn't that how the rest of the world does it? ).

 

But then in a fight he would use against me the notion that "everything had to be done my way around the house" Which was news to me he felt that way because he would willingly volunteer that he was totally fine with letting certain things go because those things just weren't important to him. Yet clearly they were. And if he had given me a chance to discuss it I really REALLY could have looked the other way every time he wanted to clean the bathroom with Windex I was happy he was cleaning the bathrooms

[Blanco]

I remember my one ex got it into her head during the first year of the relationship that I didn't conduct myself well on special occasions. This was based mostly on one incident that was more of a misunderstanding than outright malfeasance. I saw her side of it, we talked it out, and I thought we moved on from it. Nope. We had another misunderstanding around a holiday a few weeks later. Again, not anything specific, but just a case of us being out of sync.

 

Nevertheless, it seemed like after that, she almost made it her mission to find something I did wrong on a special occasion so that she could reinforce this narrative that I simply had to "ruin" them. It didn't matter what I did right on that day. It could all be washed away with one perceived wrongdoing. By the end, that could entail something as small as not engaging her family enough for her liking (totally overlooking the fact that she was pretty lousy at engaging with my own family).

 

Just typing all of this out makes me glad I've gotten to spend the last day and a half eating and napping rather than walking around on eggshells while I wonder what it is that I do or don't do that will later be used against me.

[elaine567]

Again, it does matter what the incidents are but, if they are indeed misdemeanors, most guys will forget it and move on.

 

Which explains why many men think the bunch of flowers, the new dress, the lovely dinner will make up for the misdemeanour or the hurtful words said in anger, or even that slap.

It is not A+B-A = B then B-B= O, it is still A+B+C+D = 4 and counting.

 

I think Slimtripper's long term theory is correct, it is in a woman's best interests to keep score.

NO point in forgetting that the guy is unreliable when under pressure, or he can have a volatile temper, if you are going to then expect him to be a good father to your children.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I think the answer might be as simple as we are just much more sensitive than men are.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I'd like to add something. Men try to make amends with women by garnering enough goodwill through acts of kindness and understanding that it will balance things out. But when things go awry and she pulls out her slate, none of those "acts of goodwill/kindness" are present, just the bad.

:

 

 

Guilty as charged!

 

And that's a terrible habit to have, to rehash past hurt from past fights or situations that have been put to rest.

 

Can go for years without resorting to past stuff but push me hard enough and it somehow opens the floodgates and out comes the bull.

 

Truth..my GF, soon to be ex I fear, keeps accusing me of talking to my previous EX, simply because I see her at my MC club meetings, and because I was foolish enough to answer her truthfully if I've ever talked to her after our breakup last year. I told her that yes, she texted me once to ask about club related stuff. And that's it period. One time in one year and..she asks me if I'm still talking to my Ex at least once a month. She thru it in again when we argued about something completely different last week.

 

I'm sure my imaginary conversations are filling up the slate :/

 

Well we do take note of things and we do observe and file it away for a "stormy" day. Yes there is that.

 

But worse than that are those mean things that can be said in anger sometimes that really hurt, those are the ones that get added to the slate and will come back out. Those erode that lustrous image we have of you that keeps us in love.

[Frozensushi]

I think Slimtripper's long term theory is correct, it is in a woman's best interests to keep score.

 

On the flip side, women can get away with a lot of bad behavior because men generally "move on" and don't keep score. This can cause a relationship to become toxic as the woman knows she can just kiss up, take her man to bed and the next day, all is forgiven and forgotten.

 

This was the case for me. I wish I had kept a journal or something of my Ex's bad behavior. How fun would that be? Anytime we get into an argument and the deluge of my past infractions comes pouring out, I could whip out my little book of fun, with times and dates and we could spend the evening exchanging details about how horrible we are to each other. hahaha

[BikerAccnt]

What are you doing talking to your ex though? For me, that's a huge no no.

I mentioned above that i broke up with a girl once and that was why. She wanted to be friends when we eventually broke up again saying that she is friends with all her exes.

That pretty much made up my mind that i was out of there.

U gotta leave that in the past. if she goes the same place as u, u stop going there

 

Um...no, I won't quite my Motorcycle club because she decided to join it, not going to happen. I've been with the MC for 12 years, she was invited to join by others in the club just before we split. Though she's my ex, I consider her a "sister" in the club. I am not her friend, but I am friendly with her. MC clubs are pretty tight you know. She's an Ex for over a year now. The only reason current GF even knows she was an ex, is because I'm an honest man and told her that she was hoping to eliminate the appearance of hiding something. That obviously, counts for nothing on the slate as someone pointed out.

[Sunkissedpatio]

On the flip side, women can get away with a lot of bad behavior because men generally "move on" and don't keep score. This can cause a relationship to become toxic as the woman knows she can just kiss up, take her man to bed and the next day, all is forgiven and forgotten.

 

You know...I wonder about that..do guys really put things to rest or do they just compartmentalize and are more reserved when it comes to bringing stuff up in a fight but it sits somewhere in the depths of the psyche because guys are just conditioned to suppress?

 

I wish I had kept a journal or something of my Ex's bad behavior. How fun would that be? Anytime we get into an argument and the deluge of my past infractions comes pouring out, I could whip out my little book of fun, with times and dates and we could spend the evening exchanging details about how horrible we are to each other. hahaha

 

Good times, yay!

[BikerAccnt]

You know...I wonder about that..do guys really put things to rest or do they just compartmentalize and are more reserved when it comes to bringing stuff up in a fight but it sits somewhere in the depths of the psyche because guys are just conditioned to suppress?

 

 

 

Good times, yay!

 

That's a very good questions. You are probably right in that we don't necessarily forget about it. I mean, if we all, always, forgot about slights against us, there'd never be any of us here talking about breaking up, cause there'd never be any breaking up.

 

I think we forget more than we remember, but, the difference is, we don't throw the old stuff in with the new (usually) when we are in the midst of a disagreement about something else. At least I try not to.

[Woggle]

Why would a man want to be with a woman like this? Who wants to be a in a relationship where you always feel on trial? Women do this because men let them and instead of telling her take it or leave it they try to make amends when they don't even know why she is mad. Never ever give up your self respect in a relationship.

[Frozensushi]

You know...I wonder about that..do guys really put things to rest or do they just compartmentalize and are more reserved when it comes to bringing stuff up in a fight but it sits somewhere in the depths of the psyche because guys are just conditioned to suppress?

 

Just look at how some women treat each other. Guys get into a fight with each other, a few days later we don't even remember what it was about. Women, I've seen can hold a grudge against other women for years and even decades.

 

I'm pretty sure a man came up with the phrase "let bygones be bygones" jk