Why can some women not forget the past?

[dreamingoftigers]

I noticed with my ex she could say the most hurtful things and call me every name in the book but the few times I fought she never let me forget about it and held it against me. God I am so glad to be out of that marriage.

 

Your ex would have blamed you for the Sun setting.

 

My father once literally blamed me for conditions causing World War 2.

 

He was so drunk I think he thought he was talking to his mother.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm glad you're out of that marriage too.

 

This is a perfect example of what NOT to do in an argument. It's essential to stay with the topic in hand and make sure to listen to your partner. The listening does of course go both ways.

 

For what it's worth, I've read female posters who say their men also raise past issues when in an argument. I'm not convinced it's a totally female thing.

 

I guess that there is a difference with an "old" argument vs. a "new" argument if the "old" is not directly linked with the "new."

 

I need to try to explain that better.

 

Let's say a couple is fighting over whether or not to get a beach house.

 

He says she's being cheap. She says he's being extravagant.

 

Then they start citing examples of each other's cheapness or extravagance.

 

That's not functional. It's attacking the person not the problem.

 

BUT if the argument involves, "we can't do it because you are behind on X bills or whatever major expense occurred in 2009" that ISN'T dragging in a character attack. That is PART OF the unresolved portion of the financial management argument.

 

This stuff happens all of the time with married couples.

 

My husband's flip out was always "you don't trust me even though it's been x number of years."

 

To which my standard response was, "no I don't because you've never disclosed or ever lifted a finger to resolve it. So no, I don't at all. I am pretty unhappy."

 

"Blah blah blah unforgiving."

 

"Blah blah blah I have no idea what I would even BE forgiving so quit blaming me for your crap."

 

SAME argument for eight years. (Things are pretty peaceful now actually).

 

But it would be different if he was like "you don't trust me etc."

 

And I pulled out something like "It's because you totally suck, don't do laundry, snore, have morning breath, don't always take out the trash, [x amount of examples of being a crappy person. Truth be told, aside from being a lying adulterer that tried to rugsweep everything for eight years, I have a pretty good husband LMAO].

 

That would be a crappy thing to do.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I think the dividing line is this:

 

Are you bringing it up because it's relevant to the discussion, or are you bringing it up to bolster yourself and make your partner feel bad?

 

My husband has historically brought up character attacks in arguments (I'm sure I have too) BUT what I do when he has done that is I say: "After we resolve this issue, I am more than happy to talk about that issue. Can we get this one done first." That tends to separate whether it is a legitimate priority for him or not.

[BluesPower]

I think you forgot one thing on the list -elaine567.

 

Good lists by the way.

 

I find that women are most of the time afraid to express their true emotions in a fight. Men are use to doing this since childhood. They express anger with their fists when they are younger then they learn to use words for the most part.

 

So, men are more use to letting their emotions out, even if they are not always their deep emotions, and when we let them out, we are done.

 

Women on the other hand are not use to really expressing their true emotions, which is one reason that they confuse men so much. They will talk around the issue and not solve the problem, not really express how they feel. The man in the argument has gotten his feelings out and he is good to go.

 

Because the woman in the argument did not really say how she was feeling, she lets it go and over time starts to let the resentment build.

 

That is how it is with my wife for sure. We are actively working toward her actually having her VIOCE and expressing how she really feels. I makes it so much simpler for me when she does not hold back. Usually I can just say, "OK cool, I did not realize that you felt that way. Works for me". Then she usually "wins" the argument by just saying what she really thinks and I am totally cool with it.

[Woggle]

I don't expect a woman to just ignore being hurt your over and over again but realize nobody is perfect including her and also don't hold a grudge forever if you have a man who would set out to hurt you. If I were with a woman who kept every little flaw to be used against me at any point then she can walk if she is that unhappy. I will even help her pack. What does a man get out of being with a woman who treats him as the bane of her existence? These kinds of women also never give any credit for good stuff? It's all negative all the time. Who needs it?

[benpom]

I think you forgot one thing on the list -elaine567.

 

Good lists by the way.

 

I find that women are most of the time afraid to express their true emotions in a fight. Men are use to doing this since childhood. They express anger with their fists when they are younger then they learn to use words for the most part.

 

So, men are more use to letting their emotions out, even if they are not always their deep emotions, and when we let them out, we are done.

 

Women on the other hand are not use to really expressing their true emotions, which is one reason that they confuse men so much. They will talk around the issue and not solve the problem, not really express how they feel. The man in the argument has gotten his feelings out and he is good to go.

 

Because the woman in the argument did not really say how she was feeling, she lets it go and over time starts to let the resentment build.

 

That is how it is with my wife for sure. We are actively working toward her actually having her VIOCE and expressing how she really feels. I makes it so much simpler for me when she does not hold back. Usually I can just say, "OK cool, I did not realize that you felt that way. Works for me". Then she usually "wins" the argument by just saying what she really thinks and I am totally cool with it.

 

There is some good truth in your words.

 

For a variety reasons, women and men don't express true emotions, because 'I should always put others first', 'I don't want to hurt anyone', 'that makes me look weak', 'that makes me look like the insecure type', 'that makes me sound like the jealous type', etc. All those little secrets can brew hidden resentment and disconnection.

 

The other half of the equation is the guy/lady simply doesn't care how the other person feels, like what's conveyed in the words 'You need to deal with your own insecurities', 'why can't you forget what happened and move forward'?

[benpom]

I don't expect a woman to just ignore being hurt your over and over again but realize nobody is perfect including her and also don't hold a grudge forever if you have a man who would set out to hurt you. If I were with a woman who kept every little flaw to be used against me at any point then she can walk if she is that unhappy. I will even help her pack. What does a man get out of being with a woman who treats him as the bane of her existence? These kinds of women also never give any credit for good stuff? It's all negative all the time. Who needs it?

 

'Little flaw' in one person's eye may not be so little in the other person's eye. Some people even consider cheating as something 'little' if he/she is the one doing the cheating.

 

Purposefully using past mistakes to punish a person is manipulation. But genuinely venting the past hurt is a whole different thing. It's all in the intention.

 

A relationship is made to be broken. For the ones who make it to the end, at least one of them knows how to fix things and is willing to put effort into fix things.

[Popbradley]

Popbradley, do you realise how dysfunctional these relationships are? Perhaps you think that fighting like this is normal. But it's not.

 

When it comes to women (and men!) who leave because of the fighting, despite their own part in escalating the fights, it's actually really easy to understand. If a partner doesn't bring out our best, then it's best to end it.

 

Here's the thing: A person finds their partner's actions so infuriating that they lose control of their temper. This happens too frequently for their comfort. The partner's behaviour which triggers their reaction isn't going to change despite discussion about it. The only option left to the person is to leave.

 

A male friend of mine had this happen to him. He was always the most calm person to be around. But a new girlfriend managed to infuriate him to the point where he'd be yelling. This was so unlike him. She was bad for him and he needed to leave.

 

As every girlfriend you've ever had gets so infuriated that she loses her temper to this degree, then it stands to reason that you're the constant. Look inside and work on yourself. If someone gets upset with you, don't forget about it. Look inside at what you did and apologise. Make changes. Forgetting about the fight means that you aren't making positive changes to yourself and you're not recognising how your actions affect others.

 

Make yourself a good partner to be around and reap the rewards of a healthy and calm relationship.

 

 

So you never had fights with your loved one? Never had a crazy argument over something trivial and it escalate? I'm not trying to be rude but.. Come on... Every relationship has fights and I can easily point out bad in many many other relationships that have lasted years. My grandparents have been married since they were 24 and 21. They actually had hit each other, scream fights, horrific argument, broke stuff, words said in anger and yet.. They have been married this whole time and they are now in their 70's.

 

That is the logic in today's age that this kind of action is NOT normal and is dis functional. She slapped me across the face one time in 7 years in a fight that got insanity out of hang. Her dad actually hit her mother across the face one time in 20 plus years of marriage but by all standards THAT is an unhealthy relationship. Naturally you should never hit but sometimes stuff happens and that just further goes along with what I say. A woman sees this and thinks it is time to run in most cases because he will ALWAYS do it and the relationship is toxic. Yet he sees it and never does it again but that one strike is usually to late. If SHE slaps HIM then somehow he got her to the point to do that... Come on.

 

This is again all the same. Logic vs emotion. Men's logic vs women's emotions. It's two different ways of thinking that neither side will ever agree on and most likely never understand.

 

I'm the constant? So when I was 18 and had a girlfriend who was 29 and she would leave for work after verbally abusing me for 0 reason and accuse me of cheating every week and became infuriated with me because I did something wrong and she would go to hotels after work and screw different men from her bar that is MY fault?

 

The girl I was with who I liked because she was nerdy and fun but only got to see monthly because of distance. She cheated on me several times and was also verbally abusive in the end. Know how we met? She broke up with her boyfriend and gave me some sob story he didn't support her and she had cancer and would not live very long. She never had cancer and lied about it until the day she left me. Her "treatments" we're her going out to another guys house she was seeing and having sex with him.

 

I am an extremely nice guy and put up with a lot of stuff and people abuse it. I had very little arguments with my ex but it mostly happened the last year over stress but we still did bicker every once in a whole but every single last person on this earth fights in some way or another. It's impossible to avoid it. Even the couple that's miss perfect and mister perfect? You better believe they probably fight the most.

 

I just know never fighting is completely unrealistic but a lot of people claim its toxic. I just disagree. Now what I do agree fully on is all my relationships have been bad in the end. This last one though was the best one I had. I know it could of went the long haul if she didn't see the fighting over petty things as toxic like others and totally cut me off emotionally.

 

I for sure HAVE improved after this and every single relationship before it. This one I've changed the most and realized all my short comings in time and actively seemed to fix my problems with therapy. She has done nothing. We actually talked briefly yesterday and she really sees how she did wrong in the relationship but it doesn't matter and she "isn't going to apologize for her own quirks" so their you go. I've been in therapy. I got super messed up after this and needed to be prescribed mess for my heart. I developed massive migraines from guilt and stress. I lost almost all my hair from the stress and still improved on myself and am still struggling with guilt. While she sits at home and is fine with her decision because we had arguments over some stressful stuff but it's "what's best for her"

 

I learned a lot and really she has learned nothing. It is like all my other relationships before this one. They did not learn a thing and every last girlfriend called me up one day years later to apologize for how awful they treated me. One actually called me up 2 years into the relationship with my ex fiancé because she "felt so horrible for all the lying and cheating she did to me" I told her I forgave her, told her I was with someone and she CUSSED me out 10 minutes later because it was essentially a call to get me back.

That relationship was horrible and I'm glad it's over but this one I will truly always regret and wonder why it ended over something so petty.

 

Sorry went on a rant but just had some bad feelings come back into my head after reading that lol. Sorry about that.

[Popbradley]

Well, I don't think it's exactly fair to say that the person telling is always being pushed there.

 

I think that in the OP's case it could be:

 

1) His problem with his own communication

2) He picks women who blast off, maybe he even likes that, who knows?

3) some kind of combination of both

OR 4) it is a fluke.

 

I mean, there's all kinds of people in the world. You know that someone has been divorced five times that actually DID all of the right stuff, but got totally hosed. Statistically that person exists.

 

I hate drama and I try to pick my women based off the calm Bibbly personalities they had. Yet I got screed in all of them. This last one I totally changed it up and went with a really shy timid girl who has NEVER had a boyfriend before (crazy I know).

 

1 is hands down easily a problem in the last relationship because we could not communicate effectively to each other. How many guys do you know would know they are hurting their women with something they are doing so sit down on the couch, turn the tv off, and really try to discuss WHY it was affecting her and how he could change it? Yep that was me. Yet she never wanted to talk about problems. She closed off emotionally and never wanted to discuss things and let them get to an unhealthy boiling point. I'm going to put an email her she actually sent me yesterday after I told her about me volunteering at the church, going to therapy, and really trying to fix myself as A person for myself.

[Popbradley]

This is her email.

 

"You are great at calming people down. You have a good brain:) and heart

Idk if I'm ready for that sort of counseling advice stuff yet honestly. I'm still in the crying/avoiding/internalizing stage but I'm getting better. I just don't want to talk about my feelings... still lol. I know I'm so annoying lol. But I do feel myself getting better, I really do. "

[Popbradley]

Precisely my experience too.. It's dismissing the other person's feelings and making them feel like they are overreacting. Basically a 'like it or lump it' attitude. Hard to move past that.

 

I do agree with this though and really figured out I'm guilty of this... I never considered it as dismissing ones feelings but instead saw it as me trying to explain WHY it shouldn't be such a big deal (I think guys can relate to what I am saying) yet to HER it was a big deal and it should of been a big deal to me as well. I learned this in this relationship and I will always try to fix the problems and listen as best I can from now on.

 

Hard to think rationally when emotions are high and both sides are going to be "me me me" when trying to win a fight. When you step back it's much easier to see how and why you are wrong. I've always been great at giving advice but when it came to my relationship I was awful at seeing the problems within. Myself until AFTER it ended.

[Sunkissedpatio]

So you never had fights with your loved one? Never had a crazy argument over something trivial and it escalate? I'm not trying to be rude but.. Come on... Every relationship has fights and I can easily point out bad in many many other relationships that have lasted years. My grandparents have been married since they were 24 and 21. They actually had hit each other, scream fights, horrific argument, broke stuff, words said in anger and yet.. They have been married this whole time and they are now in their 70's.

 

 

I know! Was thinking the same thing.

 

Fine ok you can control yourself not to rehash old pain but she cited an example of her husband getting drunk a few times a year past the point of it being ok and says she holds that in her memory but doesn't act on it because "it isn't a big deal anyway" Well then then if it isn't a big deal then why even keep it your memory bank as something he does that crossed your threshold from mistake to pain? That's not an example suitable to this discussion then. Surely he must do things that are so hurtful that they do hit a nerve if they are repeated and that are "a big deal" Those are the types of memories we are talking about.

 

 

Ya sure I can remember that last time we were out with his family he made some numb-nutty comment that made feel uncomfortable in front of everyone and it didn't feel great and it isn't a big deal anyway so why in the world would I EVER resort to bringing that up again? We discussed it, he didn't even realize it would make me feel uncomfortable, he apologized, I accept his explanation. No harm done.

 

Unless this becomes habit and he starts to outright disrespect me or make me the butt of his jokes in every social gathering well then of course it would be something that would be active in my mind and something that would become extremely hurtful and erode my trust for him and have me question how he sees me.

 

Spewing past "infractions" for sport is one thing, being hurt to the point that it awakens other similar or exact same pain. Totally different thing.

 

Because here is what it boils down to. When we say sorry, it isn't about the word sorry, but about recognizing that what we did had a negative affect. If you are truly sorry you are willing to not do that again. Otherwise sorry becomes meaningless.

[Popbradley]

To all the ladies commenting on this topic currently and any others that want to join in WHAT would it take for you to see your man was serious about changing for the better?

 

If you are currently in a new relationship or are broken up with someone WHAT would it take for you to see him and not question if he has changed or not?

 

I started this asking why it seems some people cannot forgive and forget but since men forgive and forget so easily and (stupidly?) what would it take to forgive someone and really accept the change in them if it was genuine? What would it take to break The emotionally wall you built within you?

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't expect a woman to just ignore being hurt your over and over again but realize nobody is perfect including her and also don't hold a grudge forever if you have a man who would set out to hurt you. If I were with a woman who kept every little flaw to be used against me at any point then she can walk if she is that unhappy. I will even help her pack. What does a man get out of being with a woman who treats him as the bane of her existence? These kinds of women also never give any credit for good stuff? It's all negative all the time. Who needs it?

 

If it's "every little flaw" to keep a working inventory just to get a keg up in arguments or foster resent, then yes, that's dysfunctional.

 

But my general experience is: it's an ongoing issue and it's often the exact.same.one. over and over. It boils down to willful ignorance that causes resent.

 

If she tells him over and over again 'I just mopped this floor, please stop walking through with your muddy workboots' it's a 'small thing' for him. "Whatever" right? But for her, she just made the effort, he just walked all over it, again, literally. She's said it dozens of times before and because it's a 'small thing' to him, he just doesn't care. In fact, 'he works real hard so it shouldn't be a big deal to her to mop a floor.'

 

It boils down to entitlement, minimizing and avoidance

[basil67]

So you never had fights with your loved one? Never had a crazy argument over something trivial and it escalate? I'm not trying to be rude but.. Come on... Every relationship has fights and I can easily point out bad in many many other relationships that have lasted years. My grandparents have been married since they were 24 and 21. They actually had hit each other, scream fights, horrific argument, broke stuff, words said in anger and yet.. They have been married this whole time and they are now in their 70's.

 

Sure, I had some yelling fights with ex boyfriends and an ex husband. Note the word 'ex'. But with my now partner of 25 years, we've never had a fight escalate. Sure, we bicker and disagree - but we never lose control. We never, ever say hurtful things or dredge up stuff from the past. I did yell at him once about 20 years ago because he drove while drunk but that didn't escalate because he knew he'd done the wrong thing.

 

If SHE slaps HIM then somehow he got her to the point to do that... Come on.

 

Physical abuse is never OK. Yes, people can rile each other, but a sensible person will recognise the pattern and leave before it gets to the point of violence. And there can be two different dynamics going on here: reasonable people who can be driven crazy by an infuriating partner. Or unreasonable people who will be angry and frightening without being goaded. Either way, it's a toxic situation and needs to be abandoned.

 

I'm the constant? So when I was 18 and had a girlfriend who was 29 and she would leave for work after verbally abusing me for 0 reason and accuse me of cheating every week and became infuriated with me because I did something wrong and she would go to hotels after work and screw different men from her bar that is MY fault?

 

The girl I was with who I liked because she was nerdy and fun but only got to see monthly because of distance. She cheated on me several times and was also verbally abusive in the end. Know how we met? She broke up with her boyfriend and gave me some sob story he didn't support her and she had cancer and would not live very long. She never had cancer and lied about it until the day she left me. Her "treatments" we're her going out to another guys house she was seeing and having sex with him.

 

OK, so perhaps your 'constant' in this situation is that you accept the unacceptable. You should have left the 29yo the first time she pulled that stunt. You should have left the nerdy girl the first time she cheated.

 

I am an extremely nice guy and put up with a lot of stuff and people abuse it. I had very little arguments with my ex but it mostly happened the last year over stress but we still did bicker every once in a whole but every single last person on this earth fights in some way or another. It's impossible to avoid it. Even the couple that's miss perfect and mister perfect? You better believe they probably fight the most.

 

No, you're a guy who doesn't know when to pull the plug. You allow yourself to stay in abusive situations.

 

On the other hand, I'm nice but I would not consider continuing dating someone who's like you describe. Heck, road rage in a partner would be a deal breaker for me. If a person abuses a stranger who made a mistake, it's only a matter of time before they do that to me.

 

And yes, I would imagine all couples bicker. But bickering and disagreements can be had respectfully. Not all couples have escalating fights and pull out old gripes out to throw at each other. Both my partner and I have never seen our respective parents yell at each other.

 

I just know never fighting is completely unrealistic but a lot of people claim its toxic. I just disagree. Now what I do agree fully on is all my relationships have been bad in the end. This last one though was the best one I had. I know it could of went the long haul if she didn't see the fighting over petty things as toxic like others and totally cut me off emotionally.

 

Thing is though, if an issue is petty, why fight over it? Sure, you might have a little bicker with no harsh words or raised voices...but if it's only a petty thing, fighting over it will harm the relationship. And yes, having an actual ding dong fight over something petty IS toxic. It's toxic because the petty nature of the issues means that a fight is totally unnecessary. if I understand the bit in bold correctly, all the girls you've dated have felt the same way. Ever think that on this topic they may be right?

 

More over, if an issue is petty, the best thing to learn is to let it go. Just don't react. We have an expression about "letting it through to the keeper". Perhaps a US interpretation would be "letting it through to the short stop". If a partner says something odd or snappy but is in the grand scheme of things not worth getting riled about, you're better off saving your energy and just letting that ball sail on through. Pick your battles. A petty issue is not a hill to die on.

 

I for sure HAVE improved after this and every single relationship before it. This one I've changed the most and realized all my short comings in time and actively seemed to fix my problems with therapy. She has done nothing. We actually talked briefly yesterday and she really sees how she did wrong in the relationship but it doesn't matter and she "isn't going to apologize for her own quirks" so their you go. I've been in therapy. I got super messed up after this and needed to be prescribed mess for my heart. I developed massive migraines from guilt and stress. I lost almost all my hair from the stress and still improved on myself and am still struggling with guilt. While she sits at home and is fine with her decision because we had arguments over some stressful stuff but it's "what's best for her"

 

So you're doing all this therapy, you're so sick that you're losing hair and need medicine to help you cope. You are guilty and stressed. And yet she does nothing. She will not start therapy, she doesn't thinks she did anything wrong. What is wrong with this picture??

 

YOU MUST LEAVE. This is the perfect example of a toxic relationship which must be abandoned. Your assertion that fighting is normal is leaving you in the most horrible physical and mental health situation.

 

Sorry went on a rant but just had some bad feelings come back into my head after reading that lol. Sorry about that.

 

Rant away. Perhaps talking about it all will be good for your mental health and give you clarity.

Edited November 27, 2016 by basil67

[dreamingoftigers]

I think you forgot one thing on the list -elaine567.

 

Good lists by the way.

 

I find that women are most of the time afraid to express their true emotions in a fight. Men are use to doing this since childhood. They express anger with their fists when they are younger then they learn to use words for the most part.

 

So, men are more use to letting their emotions out, even if they are not always their deep emotions, and when we let them out, we are done.

 

Women on the other hand are not use to really expressing their true emotions, which is one reason that they confuse men so much. They will talk around the issue and not solve the problem, not really express how they feel. The man in the argument has gotten his feelings out and he is good to go.

 

Because the woman in the argument did not really say how she was feeling, she lets it go and over time starts to let the resentment build.

 

That is how it is with my wife for sure. We are actively working toward her actually having her VIOCE and expressing how she really feels. I makes it so much simpler for me when she does not hold back. Usually I can just say, "OK cool, I did not realize that you felt that way. Works for me". Then she usually "wins" the argument by just saying what she really thinks and I am totally cool with it.

 

I'm not sure how universal this is.

 

I think it may not be a gender thing at all.

 

For years both my husband and I had trouble expressing our feelings about stuff. But I think he was even more crippled in that department. (I'm not judging him at all about that, my family was terrible about feelings but his mother is what I would call 'emotionally scalding.' I spent two days with her some years ago and it felt like I had third-degree burns. I cried, called him and told him I didn't know how he survived.)

 

But due to that crippling, it was very difficult to express anything at all without being submerged right afterwards with a series of attacks and minimizations. Extremely frustrated. I started even having to say "that IS how I FEEL about X, whether or not you think it is legitimate, warranted or fair. It is how I feel and I'm not going to stop feeling it just because you aren't comfortable with it."

[Frozensushi]

But my general experience is: it's an ongoing issue and it's often the exact.same.one. over and over. It boils down to willful ignorance that causes resent.

 

My perspective on this changed after my current breakup. With my Ex, there was no room to make a mistake. The first offense was a hanging offense.

 

Example, she made a homemade pizza one time with this gluten free crust. She never made it before. The crust was literally hard as a rock, she knew it was bad. She asked me how I liked it. I was honest and told her the crust was almost impossible to eat but the toppings were amazing, but I just didn't like the crust. I said, 'I'm sure next time you'll nail it'. She got so upset and told me how hurtful that was and you're not supposed to tell people things like that when they do something nice for you.

 

I agreed and apologized up and down. I told her that I didn't take her feelings into consideration, that it was an incredibly insensitive thing for me to say. Didn't matter, she acted cold/distant the rest of the evening.

 

The next time she made dinner for me, I kept telling her how delicious it was as I ate. The whole time she was giving me this odd look that made me feel uncomfortable. After I cleaned my plate she asked how I liked it. I said I love it, thank you so much! She then got upset and said "You're lying! I know you're lying!! You hated it!". No amount of convicing would change her mind.

 

After that, she never invited me over for dinner, unless I was making it.

 

Keeping a mental check list of 'real' and intentional transgressions is fine by me. No one should be repeatedly abused emotionally. I just have a problem being silently judged for offenses which could be solved by healthy communication.

 

*I know my case is a little extreme. My Ex is not the norm. She's been in over 25 failed relationships (they all broke up with her).

[elaine567]

My Ex is not the norm. She's been in over 25 failed relationships (they all broke up with her).

When did you find that little nugget of information out?

[basil67]

I never considered it as dismissing ones feelings but instead saw it as me trying to explain WHY it shouldn't be such a big deal (I think guys can relate to what I am saying) yet to HER it was a big deal and it should of been a big deal to me as well. I learned this in this relationship and I will always try to fix the problems and listen as best I can from now on.

 

That was good timing. I was just coming back to talk about how a thing may be petty to one person but to the other person it's serious and found that you'd already posted it.

 

If my husband raises an issue with me, I ALWAYS take it seriously. I know him well enough to know that he doesn't gripe about things which don't matter. He does the same with me.

 

Because we take each other's concerns seriously, we listen to each other without trying to defend our position. This is why we don't fight over small stuff. Thing is, if we dismiss each other's concerns as being petty then we'd end up in a cycle of fighting without resolution.

[basil67]

My perspective on this changed after my current breakup. With my Ex, there was no room to make a mistake. The first offense was a hanging offense.

 

Example, she made a homemade pizza one time with this gluten free crust. She never made it before. The crust was literally hard as a rock, she knew it was bad. She asked me how I liked it. I was honest and told her the crust was almost impossible to eat but the toppings were amazing, but I just didn't like the crust. I said, 'I'm sure next time you'll nail it'. She got so upset and told me how hurtful that was and you're not supposed to tell people things like that when they do something nice for you.

 

I agreed and apologized up and down. I told her that I didn't take her feelings into consideration, that it was an incredibly insensitive thing for me to say. Didn't matter, she acted cold/distant the rest of the evening.

 

The next time she made dinner for me, I kept telling her how delicious it was as I ate. The whole time she was giving me this odd look that made me feel uncomfortable. After I cleaned my plate she asked how I liked it. I said I love it, thank you so much! She then got upset and said "You're lying! I know you're lying!! You hated it!". No amount of convicing would change her mind.

 

*I know my case is a little extreme. My Ex is not the norm. She's been in over 25 failed relationships (they all broke up with her).

 

Sushi, I'm sad that you agreed with her comment and apologised up and down. If she had half a brain, she would have known the crust was bad and the two of you could have laughed over it.

 

I talked in the previous posts about not dismissing a partner's concern as petty. But there's also an argument for recognising when a partner's concern is downright nutty and should be viewed as a red flag. In this case, the red flag would have been "hypersenstive"

 

Not surprised that she's been dumped 25 times!

[Frozensushi]

When did you find that little nugget of information out?

 

She told me one night in bed. She might have had one too many glasses of wine. It was unnerving. But it made me feel determined not to be just another statistic on her timeline of failed relationships. That's why I tried so hard to make an impossible relationship succeed.

 

Lesson learned!

[Frozensushi]

Sushi, I'm sad that you agreed with her comment and apologised up and down. If she had half a brain, she would have known the crust was bad and the two of you could have laughed over it.

 

ME TOO!! And, laughing would have been what, IMO, a normal person would have done.

 

You just have to understand, at times it felt like she was looking for things to get mad at me about. I was always walking on eggshells and it was just my default reaction.

[Woggle]

'Little flaw' in one person's eye may not be so little in the other person's eye. Some people even consider cheating as something 'little' if he/she is the one doing the cheating.

 

Purposefully using past mistakes to punish a person is manipulation. But genuinely venting the past hurt is a whole different thing. It's all in the intention.

 

A relationship is made to be broken. For the ones who make it to the end, at least one of them knows how to fix things and is willing to put effort into fix things.

 

I am very anti-cheating. I am not talking about deliberately being inconsiderate towards a partner or not caring how much you hurt though if somebody causes that much resentment to me it is better to leave than sit and stew over things you just can't let go. I will give you an example.

 

One time my ex and I were trying to decide a place to eat and I asked her what she felt like. She told me that she didn't care and as man it was my place to decide. She wouldn't give me the slightest hint as to what she felt like so I picked what I wanted and she blamed me for not magically reading her mind on what she wanted and never forgot about it. It was so petty.

[elaine567]

Sushi, I'm sad that you agreed with her comment and apologised up and down. If she had half a brain, she would have known the crust was bad and the two of you could have laughed over it.

I remember the first time I made bread and it so hard it was completely inedible and my bf at the time and I laughed and laughed and laughed about it, it was hilarious. We took it to feed the ducks but decided it was probably lethal to them so we chucked it away. It was a great day.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am very anti-cheating. I am not talking about deliberately being inconsiderate towards a partner or not caring how much you hurt though if somebody causes that much resentment to me it is better to leave than sit and stew over things you just can't let go. I will give you an example.

 

One time my ex and I were trying to decide a place to eat and I asked her what she felt like. She told me that she didn't care and as man it was my place to decide. She wouldn't give me the slightest hint as to what she felt like so I picked what I wanted and she blamed me for not magically reading her mind on what she wanted and never forgot about it. It was so petty.

 

My mother-in-law is just like that. Perfect example. Bit if course she had to throw a screaming fit IN the restaurant on top of it all.

 

I tipped the waiter an insane amount just for having to deal with her.

 

Her behaviour type is definitely out there, but very far from normal.

[basil67]

One time my ex and I were trying to decide a place to eat and I asked her what she felt like. She told me that she didn't care and as man it was my place to decide. She wouldn't give me the slightest hint as to what she felt like so I picked what I wanted and she blamed me for not magically reading her mind on what she wanted and never forgot about it. It was so petty.

 

It's actually not petty. Petty is forgetting to put the toothpaste lid on. Your girlfriend was being downright unreasonable.

 

It worries me when people write off arguments as being petty. I suspect that most times they aren't petty at all.