Deeply hurt- need

[katielee]

I have never been a woman magnet so I never had any 10's chasing after me. Though I will now get to the point. Every day I see at least one hot woman. The thought through my mind is damn I would like to do her.

 

 

Not really want to do her but this I how men react when they see a woman they find attractive. It just is us admitting that she is good looking.

 

 

Finding a woman attractive is all a man needs to have sex with her. There does not have to be a mental connection. Now being married usually keeps a man from acting on his attraction to her.

 

This is..., depressing.

[katielee]

Wily- she maybe is doing everything perfectly. We don't know. Maybe he just can't get over it, understandable. The honorable thing is to divorce.

If you are in a marriage where there is irreparable damage then realize it. And move on without that partner. Don't betray your own values to stay in it.

[BluesPower]

Of course you did nothing wrong. A BS is never, ever responsible for a WS's affair. Never can be never will be.

 

And Katie, I guess you guys know each other or are related. What he told you is BS. Men do not think that way, they say that to relatives, friends and wives.

 

I know you think I am just horrible for laying it out like this. But honestly, I really know a lot about cheating. I had a real problem with it before I got my head together.

 

I am not saying that he does not feel guilty and feel horrible about what he did. And I know that he feels guilty about hurting his wife and family, with out a doubt.

 

And OP, no he did not have feelings for the OW. Men are almost all like that. I know that all women that are involved in affairs get feelings for the AP, but almost none of the men do. And ladies, don't hit me with any sociology that says otherwise, what I am telling you is reality.

 

I am not saying that NO MAN EVER HAS FEELINGS, I am just saying that most do not. I am betting the OP's H did not.

[Marc878]

Now you know the other side of the equation.

 

Infidelity never goes away it may dissipate but it'll always be there.

 

Look back. Were you truthful? If you had maintained contact with your other man would the affair have continued.

 

That will shed some light on what you're dealing with.

[BluesPower]

Katie...

 

Have you ever had an affair? Has your husband?

 

It does not work that way. For men or women.

 

Of course it is more honorable to divorce and move on. Almost no one does it. He loves his wife and kids.

 

Some thing was lacking in him and the marriage, and he thought he would not get caught. No one thinks the will get caught, no one.

 

He thought he could get some tail on the side and he got caught, it really is as simple as that.

 

I know all women want to think the their H, BF, or what ever are not like other men. But guess what. They are MEN.

 

If is was allowed in society, men would screw every woman they could find that wants to have sex. That is the way we are made. Some won't admit it, some don't understand it, some realize it, but all of them feel that way.

 

He screwed her because he wanted some strange, that is the reason. It was stupid, it has and will hurt his wife and other people, it will hurt him, but it is not that complicated.

 

When most women have affairs, and I say most not all, it is complicated. They think about it, the get feelings and they do it anyway.

 

For the most part men don't think about it.

[Marc878]

This is..., depressing.

 

Yes, but for the most part Road is correct.

[WilyWill]

Road is correct. Men are very visual creatures that spend the whole day noticing attractive women. When we politely let you out of the elevator before us, we impolitely look at your behind. It's automatic.

 

But I've been married 20 years, never cheated on my wife, and never will. I believe that most married men are like me.

[Marc878]

rug sweeping this will not help. All cheaters lie. I doubt you have the full story.

However, the one one good thing is he confessed. Most cheaters won't. Is it the full truth? Doubtful.

 

Look back. Did you confess or get caught?

 

You can understand by your actions during your affair. All cheaters follow the same script.

[katielee]

So I'm married to someone who wants to screw any attractive woman he sees? After he has had two affairs? Yeah, not interested then. If he is lying about this then he is married to me by lying to me. Not something I'd do. Wouldn't it be easier and more authentic to leave. I wouldn't want to be loved for who I'm not.

 

I guess that any man who sees me as attractive thinks the same thing. How very.... objective. And unfair.

Edited November 25, 2016 by katielee

[BluesPower]

Are you so naïve that you do not realize that most men are like this?

 

Are you so shocked that you have a hard time believing what other men are telling you?

 

Not all of them act on it, but yes, a man sees an attractive women and he "thinks" about screwing her. Honestly, there is only one reason that men talk to women at all, can you think what that reason may be?

 

If you don't want to be married to a man that looks, and thinks about screwing other women, I think you would have to marry a Gay man. But then that may present other problems.

 

OMG yes men are like that...

[katielee]

Think of it from the attractive woman's perspective. -

are you that naive to think that it's insulting to be thought of as screwable when we just want to Exist have peace in this world. What a violation. Are you ok with your daughters being thought of like this? If no, then just f u c k ing stop

[Marc878]

So I'm married to someone who wants to screw any attractive woman he sees? After he has had two affairs? Yeah, not interested then. If he is lying about this then he is married to me by lying to me. Not something I'd do. Wouldn't it be easier and more authentic to leave. I wouldn't want to be loved for who I'm not.

 

I guess that any man who sees me as attractive thinks the same thing. How very.... objective. And unfair.

 

Men are for the most part wired differently than women. Men do not have to be in love or emotionally involved to have sex. That doesn't mean they'll screw anything that looks good to them even though they may think about it or look.

 

Most guys I know would not cheat on their wives. Looking is another story.

[fenix]

For those who are in the gender fight (from both sexes!), please note that this is not the place! Here it is a woman who has a real life issue and needs advise not your opinion on how men should look at women.

 

It doesn't matter OP is a woman or a man, she is someone who is in pain because her SO has cheated.

The background history is that she cheated first, that to my point of view changes many things, it doesn't make his betrayal less of a betrayal, it doesn't make her pain less, it doesn't give him a free pass to cheat but it is clear that he has not been able to get over the fact that OP cheated on him, it is part of the issue we have at hand now and it can't be disregarded.

Many people here thinks that once you decide to reconcile the issue is erased but the problem is that is not erased. When OP talk about the happy times she lived after she remarried, she is talking from her perspective, but she doesn't realize that that happiness was tainted by her cheating for her husband. It is painfully obvious when she says that her husband reminds her of her cheating often (you can see that in one of her posts).

OP, your husband never completely forgive you for your cheating, probably he tried but he didn't. He used that to justify his cheating and that is wrong, he should now give you the same comfort that you give him then. But you should not, at any cost, tell him that his cheating is worse than yours... that won't bring you any good. It will make him more angry and less willing to be collaborative and understanding to you.

[Deeplyhurt30]

I know what I did in the past was wrong- I have that to live with for the rest of my life. Do I think I'm a bad person? No. I have suffered many years for the consequences. Yes no one is perfect- but you either learn from your mistakes or they become a personality trait.

 

To me what is most hurtful is why would you wait until there is more at risk-our kids. If you knew my husband you would see hat he is very much a family man-- this alone makes me the most shocked.

 

Now I can tell you around the time of his affair- one of his male coworkers was also having an affair (the two female coworkers were friends) I think it was encouraged from the start because my husband has never been with anyone else. The male coworker is literally one of the most perverted people I've ever met. Still "trying to fit in" gave him no excuse.

 

For a while, I never knew I did anything wrong, he made sure now looking back to make things unnoticeable- until my gut feelings kicked in and I was around the girl (as he introduced us and we began hanging out)

 

 

One of my main questions is why wait two years to tell me about it (he says it was because of the fear of losing me)and let us suffer through so much arguing over feeling like he was doing something with her. It was almost like he was trying to protect her. I have rode in her car-- in the backseat -- I just never did those things to my husband. I would've never introduced my AP to my husband like that ,wanting us to be friends- ride in the backseat where they had sex. She was acting as she wanted to be a training client of mine( I'm a personal trainer) I helped her. It's just a little different.

 

 

Also just yesterday I asked him about how things ended. He told me it was mutual. But he told me too that they still stopped and talked (asking how each other are etc.) this too is different. He sees her daily, attends meetings, has email conversations. I've already seen for myself how emails have been deleted. He told me he just didn't want me to get mad but he will leave them now.

[Deeplyhurt30]

I don't know if it is my gut or just a feeling of putting a shield up- but I do feel there is more to the story. Maybe the length of time it lasted. I don't know. She knows intimate things about us. He apparently was very open during that time. He tells me what a stupid mistake it all was-- but he also told me he doesn't want to hear about it everyday for the rest of his life. He also says "I didn't have to tell you about it but I chose to" . He assures me she is the only one he has been unfaithful with.

 

This is just so hard.

[fenix]

Deeplyhurt30, I don't think anyone here thinks you are a bad person, we are just trying to explain you what role your previous cheating have in his behavior. This is your post and not your husband's so we try to give YOU advice.

You should not allow him to think he can rug-sweep his affair, you should tell him clearly where your boundaries are and how he needs to work to help you healing if there is a chance to save your marriage...BUT... you need to do all this from the point of view of understanding how he may have felt inadequate because of your cheating, he may have needed to get validation after you made him feel a lesser man.

What I am trying to say is that you both need help and I think you need help no one here can really give you. Can you guy afford marital counseling? I think you guys need MC and IC. You both have hurt from your so's bad decisions and you need to learn how to heal...obviously you didn't do a great job last time.

My 0.05$ is to look for therapy to save your marriage... you both need it.

Edited November 25, 2016 by fenix

[ladydesigner]

I know what I did in the past was wrong- I have that to live with for the rest of my life. Do I think I'm a bad person? No. I have suffered many years for the consequences. Yes no one is perfect- but you either learn from your mistakes or they become a personality trait.

 

To me what is most hurtful is why would you wait until there is more at risk-our kids. If you knew my husband you would see hat he is very much a family man-- this alone makes me the most shocked.

 

Now I can tell you around the time of his affair- one of his male coworkers was also having an affair (the two female coworkers were friends) I think it was encouraged from the start because my husband has never been with anyone else. The male coworker is literally one of the most perverted people I've ever met. Still "trying to fit in" gave him no excuse.

 

For a while, I never knew I did anything wrong, he made sure now looking back to make things unnoticeable- until my gut feelings kicked in and I was around the girl (as he introduced us and we began hanging out)

 

 

One of my main questions is why wait two years to tell me about it (he says it was because of the fear of losing me)and let us suffer through so much arguing over feeling like he was doing something with her. It was almost like he was trying to protect her. I have rode in her car-- in the backseat -- I just never did those things to my husband. I would've never introduced my AP to my husband like that ,wanting us to be friends- ride in the backseat where they had sex. She was acting as she wanted to be a training client of mine( I'm a personal trainer) I helped her. It's just a little different.

 

 

Also just yesterday I asked him about how things ended. He told me it was mutual. But he told me too that they still stopped and talked (asking how each other are etc.) this too is different. He sees her daily, attends meetings, has email conversations. I've already seen for myself how emails have been deleted. He told me he just didn't want me to get mad but he will leave them now.

 

Deeplyhurt30 you are dealing with a different beast here. First he had an LTA (long term affair), those are nearly impossible to recover from and then throw into the mix that he introduced and had you assimilate with the OW is just plain wrong. My stbxwh did the same thing and it does play into the ending of our M. I had an affair after my stbxwh's first affair and again here at the end but I am ending my M, for me it's too much resentment from both sides and neither of us want to put anymore work into it. Then top it off with a personality disorder (my stbxh), it was a real sh*tshow. If you REALLY want your M I suggest you both go to IC first and MC. It takes 2-5 years to somewhat heal from the A.

Edited November 25, 2016 by ladydesigner

[road]

So I'm married to someone who wants to screw any attractive woman he sees? After he has had two affairs? Yeah, not interested then. If he is lying about this then he is married to me by lying to me. Not something I'd do. Wouldn't it be easier and more authentic to leave. I wouldn't want to be loved for who I'm not.

 

I guess that any man who sees me as attractive thinks the same thing. How very.... objective. And unfair.

 

 

 

Again wanting to have sex seems to be a hanging point for you. Lets replace it with finding her sexually attractive. No man would be repulsed with the thought of having sex with an attractive woman. A married man recognizing that a woman is sexually attractive does not mean he wants to have an affair. So a man can see and say to himself or to another man damn she is hot how I would like to do her does not mean he is going past the point of just finding her hot. He is just finding her hot.

 

 

Even single men do this. You may ask why a single man does not always cross the line. Simple from the life experience of a man that is not a woman magnet. Woman do not want to and will not jump us as they do an actor or rock star. We drool from afar because we lack looks, game, money, fame, whatever. However good looking is still good looking and we will find her attractive. We still can not like her because the person she is ugly.

 

 

Objective?

 

 

A woman complains we look at them as an object. Yet they take effort with the hair, clothes from head to toe, make up to showcase their Assets and draw our attention. You can claim all they want that they are only doing it for themselves. How can women live in such denial?

 

 

Unfair?

 

 

Life is unfair? I do not have Trumps money, George Clooney's looks (women you can insert your favorite actor). All men want to get laid, re-laid, over laid, under laid, maid, re-maid, de-laid, par-laid, rest and get re-laid all over again.

 

 

There are the Rosie O Donnell's that I will never touch and the 10's out there that won't even tell what time is it.

 

 

Life is fair for we all have the same opportunity to go out and do the best that we can.

[Deeplyhurt30]

I have never told him his cheating is worse- I just told him my pain is deep right now because of everything risked and the time we are at in our lives. Having children was an eye opener for me on a lot of different things. I know that my actions affect more than just me. In that perspective I know within myself I would never risk anything to break up our family. That is all I am trying to say.

 

As far as how things were handled back then for me- anything he asked I did- I completely gave in to his needs for his terms of getting back together- I disconnected myself completely. Changed jobs, changed phones- no contact- we don't even mention his name to this day.

 

 

My husband just got a promotion about 6 months ago to manager of the iT department. He is trying to convince me now that he has done nothing wrong during the two years after ending, that he is even hiring a helper whom he is going to assign all things with the AP to. Is this acceptable? He says he can go to work and is not tempted to revert back because he had no feelings for her. He knows he will not do anything again because he is regretful. But in reality from my point of view - there is still opportunity and still contact, walking by each other, ... I sat in the car on Friday for him to run up to work for a phone issue (I parked away from the door) the girl walks out, smiling and even saying hey to him-- he told me he didn't say anything to her

 

 

I guess I need to mention here that I talked to her a few days after the affair was exposed to me and she asked that I not tell her SO because of children involved also- and that she too didn't want to lose her family--she too said she regretted the situation- I chose not to expose the affair at his work because I do not want to get my husband fired (she told me her man would come up to the job looking for trouble-he is the type who would start a fight) .

 

 

What I am worried about here is that she has literally suffered no consequences (other than the fact she told me herself she would not tell her husband and would have to live with that) so how do I know she's not going to try my husband anymore-- especially all smiling at him on Friday?

[Deeplyhurt30]

She did not see my car, nor did she know I was there

[ladydesigner]

I have never told him his cheating is worse- I just told him my pain is deep right now because of everything risked and the time we are at in our lives. Having children was an eye opener for me on a lot of different things. I know that my actions affect more than just me. In that perspective I know within myself I would never risk anything to break up our family. That is all I am trying to say.

 

As far as how things were handled back then for me- anything he asked I did- I completely gave in to his needs for his terms of getting back together- I disconnected myself completely. Changed jobs, changed phones- no contact- we don't even mention his name to this day.

 

 

My husband just got a promotion about 6 months ago to manager of the iT department. He is trying to convince me now that he has done nothing wrong during the two years after ending, that he is even hiring a helper whom he is going to assign all things with the AP to. Is this acceptable? He says he can go to work and is not tempted to revert back because he had no feelings for her. He knows he will not do anything again because he is regretful. But in reality from my point of view - there is still opportunity and still contact, walking by each other, ... I sat in the car on Friday for him to run up to work for a phone issue (I parked away from the door) the girl walks out, smiling and even saying hey to him-- he told me he didn't say anything to her

 

 

I guess I need to mention here that I talked to her a few days after the affair was exposed to me and she asked that I not tell her SO because of children involved also- and that she too didn't want to lose her family--she too said she regretted the situation- I chose not to expose the affair at his work because I do not want to get my husband fired (she told me her man would come up to the job looking for trouble-he is the type who would start a fight) .

 

 

What I am worried about here is that she has literally suffered no consequences (other than the fact she told me herself she would not tell her husband and would have to live with that) so how do I know she's not going to try my husband anymore-- especially all smiling at him on Friday?

 

My stbxwh's MOW worked for him. I gave him one whole day to let her go. He did. I don't think I could have attempted R knowing they were still working together. Just my .02 cents

Edited November 25, 2016 by ladydesigner

[Deeplyhurt30]

My husband is wanting me to consider his love for his job- being so young and being over so much already (and I am extremely proud of him for his accomplishments) he wants me to let him show me he can still work there and be trusted. He assures me the new guy will handle all things with her. Who has for the past two years- my husband. Is this even something to consider?!

 

Guys on here, be honest- how is anyone ok being around someone on a daily basis they've had an affair with ?

[Marc878]

I guess I need to mention here that I talked to her a few days after the affair was exposed to me and she asked that I not tell her SO because of children involved also- and that she too didn't want to lose her family--she too said she regretted the situation- I chose not to expose the affair at his work because I do not want to get my husband fired (she told me her man would come up to the job looking for trouble-he is the type who would start a fight) .

 

 

What I am worried about here is that she has literally suffered no consequences (other than the fact she told me herself she would not tell her husband and would have to live with that) so how do I know she's not going to try my husband anymore-- especially all smiling at him on Friday?

 

this is cheater script. They always say this to protect themselves. Cheaters lie a lot.

 

If they have contact the chances are great the affair is ongoing or will start back up. Affairs are addicting. Get the addict around the source you get relapse.

 

I'm sure they appreciate you helping hide their affair.

If it were me I'd expose to her spouse. He deserves to know. The truth fixes a lot of things. Yes, they will be angry but it's the right thing to do. If you do expose do it without warning. Let them deal with the consequences.

 

Affairs aren't mistakes they are choices made consciously.

 

A bad decision or choice does not make you a bad person. Either of you.

 

Good luck to you

[Marc878]

In order for you to have a good marriage the other woman has to be completely out of the picture. You like your husband has to feel safe and secure again. Right now you don't have that and won't until she's 100% gone.

 

This is your life too!!!!

[fenix]

OP, go together to MC. Please do it. Your husband need to understand what he has done and the consequences that his acts has on you. He needs to understand that he needs to help you to heal and if he doesn't want to help you then you need to take your own decisions.

One thing is that you need to understand the reasons why he may have done this are deeply connected to what you did and another one is that he will get his affair rug swipped. You won't heal and the marriage won't survive.

You both need much more help that anyone here can give you. You need to reconnect, he needs to feel your pain and he needs to understand that he doesn't get a free pass to cheat because you did it in the past. There is not cure without remorse and I don't see remorse from his side.

By the way you should disclose the affair to the AP husband, he deserves to know and I guess you would have liked him to tell you if it was the reverse position...

Good luck!