Deeply hurt- need

[l8estnews]

I just think he should have the same respect for me as I did for him when I wanted to work things out together

 

Well, the decision is yours. He won't feel remorse coz he will always hang the "you cheated first" at your door. So, there's no way you can make this "better."

 

Hope you make a very good decision.

[katielee]

Deep - I am a MH who cheated first as well. Not going to go into who did what in your case. Apparently some ppl here think you should be punished for the rest of your life.

We are nearly 5 years out from his but forgiving the affairs has been accomplished. Trust is taking longer. Much longer. Can you live in a marriage where you can't trust? It's really hard. I am also staying partly because of guilt. And because I am better off married to him. But I will never trust him as much as I want to trust my romantic partner.

You have every right to ask him to quit his job. And there is a is a particular cruelty to him having made you hang out with her. Likevsociopathic cruel.

Him not quitting his job would be a deal breaker for me. He doesn't get to punish you forever.

And there is no justice or karma or whatever ppl call it, when there is any infidelity. Did his having an affair take away his pain from being a BS? No. doesn't work that way. In fact, if you are married to someone who insists on justice is really question remaining married to him. It's sick. Any justification for any affair is sick.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've been there. It's incredibly difficult and soul crushing. No one deserves to be a BS. No one.

Edited November 24, 2016 by katielee

[ladydesigner]

Why does it feel like the men are giving him a break for his revenge affair, but when a woman does it there is double standard?

 

Regardless of who had the A first subsequent A's are just as bad. Either A is a bad coping skill.

[WilyWill]

Deeplyhurt30, if I were you I would not listen to the rationalizations of other women eager to forgive themselves. The degree to which a cheater should be punished is a question that is not relevant here. You can talk to him until you're blue in the face about why you should be absolved of all guilt, and even show him the supporting arguments presented here. But none of it will have any effect on his heart.

 

My impression is that you rugswept your affair many years ago, and there are a number of people in here who evidently think you should continue with that strategy.

 

You should determine what your husband needs to heal, what you need to heal and see if those things are possible. You need to dig deep and get professional help. If these things are not possible, you need to consider moving on so that both of you can find happiness.

[WilyWill]

Why does it feel like the men are giving him a break for his revenge affair, but when a woman does it there is double standard?

 

Regardless of who had the A first subsequent A's are just as bad. Either A is a bad coping skill.

 

I disagree. As far as we know, he did not cheat until she decided to open their marriage. His crime is simply not as egregious. Had their genders been reversed, the same would be true, and you'd be hard-pressed to find a man in here who took his side in that case.

 

Yes, he did cheat, and yes, he has some work to do to help her heal. But just because her cheating occurred 8 years ago does not get her off the hook. There is no statute of limitations on cheating.

 

In any case, the question of fault is irrelevant unless she can somehow convince him to adopt your mindset. This would be an uphill battle. The question is how to heal both of them.

[SeenNotHeard]

Why does it feel like the men are giving him a break for his revenge affair, but when a woman does it there is double standard?

 

Regardless of who had the A first subsequent A's are just as bad. Either A is a bad coping skill.

 

This is my general impression reading through responses as well and it is an interesting perspective. Indeed damage was done with the first affair as the OP admitted, but it does not negate or invalidate her pain. Pain is pain, hurt is hurt.

[BluesPower]

OP no one is saying that you should not be hurt. Not in any way.

 

And no one is saying that he does not have some work to do to build back your trust. He will have to do what you did and maybe more.

 

In fact it sounds like he has been cheating with more that this one woman. With the pictures and all that on his phone.

 

But that remarried stuff, you can just forget that right now. You two were married and you cheated. No matter how many time you get remarried, he is and always will be hurt. In fact, you will find out, whether you divorce or not, that you may get over the pain and sadness of his affair(s). You may get over the all of it, and you may honestly forgive him. But from here on out, you will never get over the fact that he had an affair.

 

I am telling you as a MALE BS, he never got over it and he never will. You both learn to live with it. That is all you can do.

 

So, what is his attitude, in general? Is he saying that this is his only affair Has he said why he thinks he did it?

 

How do you feel, even though it is fresh, and understand your feelings will change many time through the course of dealing with this.

 

Where was your marriage at, in your mind before this happened.

 

Fill us in and we will do all we can to help...

[BluesPower]

To all ladies about his/her affair...

 

I am not giving him a break at all. But what I am writing about in that respect is how men feel. He had no right go have a revenge affair.

 

But, it makes it so much easier when your wife has already cheated before. I am not saying that it is right and I am not saying that it is fair. I am saying that it is reality.

 

She does have to realize that her affair played a part in his affair. Does not make it right in any way. But, as she moves forward and tries to deal with this, she has to realize the effect her affair has/had on him.

 

And, I am thinking that there may have been a fair amount of rug sweeping with the first affair.

 

I mean really, when you are that young do you think anyone has the relationship skills to really deal with an affair? I know I did not the first time it happened.

[fenix]

I don't think the " go girl" mentality of some posters here really help OP to get into the core of the issue. This is not about genders (even when you ladies want to make it about it). It doesn't matter the gender of the person who cheats first but the fact is that that person is the one that destroys the magic innocence of the marriage, the blind trust and the ideal of full commitment... Building that up once has been teared down is a huge work to undertake and some of the issues you may face down the road is that given that the core values have been loosen up this can happen... is it right? No, can OP be hurt and angry? Totally yes... but what she can't do is come here and say that his cheating is much worse than hers... like if there would be a competition... cheating is cheating and his cheating is not worse than hers... she needs to accept that the $hit pie she served to her husband 8 years ago tasted exactly the same as the one she got now.

Now she has all the right to ask her husband to look for another job, she has the right to decide to divorce him, she has the right to be angry... but under no condition can she tell him that he did worse than what she did... that is bull$hit!

[Mr Blunt]

By Deeplyhurt30

my affair was 8 years ago, and something that i regret with the deepest burn--several times i still ask for gods forgiveness, my husbands forgiveness, and hate myself for what i did to him- I knew back then I would never cause anyone so much pain ever again- we worked together under full transparency and remarried- 7 years later here we are-he tells me he will change jobs but will not downgrade.

 

 

 

Your forgiveness of your self is minimal at best!

 

 

 

 

 

 

By Deeplyhurt30

I understand how much pain I caused him- he reminds me of that quite often. I am truly regretful of what I did and accept full responsibility for my actions. I knew back then that I would never cause him that pain again.

Your husband’s forgiveness of you is a fraud!

 

 

If you want to try and put your marriage back together then you BOTH have to deal with REAL forgiveness. Stop all the nonsense about whose betrayal is worse. Your marriage is in shambles and you have two innocent children that you are responsible for.

 

 

BOTH of you have to get the right help then BOTH have to do the work to repair the damage for a LONG TIME. Without real forgiveness and real remorse and real actions your marriage is doomed. However, I have seen other couples with great damage do the work and have a decent marriage.

 

 

You BOTH are way over your head and you will need the right help to put the marriage back together. BOTH of you are going to have to be sincere and follow the right advice of good therapy even if you do not like what you have to do.

[katielee]

"She does have to realize that her affair played a part in his affair. Does not make it right in any way. But, as she moves forward and tries to deal with this, she has to realize the effect her affair has/had on him."

 

To what extent? Yes, she hurt him, deeply. Does that give him free reign to do what he wants? 8 years later? She realizes this. What else can she do?

[fenix]

"She does have to realize that her affair played a part in his affair. Does not make it right in any way. But, as she moves forward and tries to deal with this, she has to realize the effect her affair has/had on him."

 

To what extent? Yes, she hurt him, deeply. Does that give him free reign to do what he wants? 8 years later? She realizes this. What else can she do?

 

It doesn't give him any right to cheat but it does give him the feeling of even field that is probably what he was looking for or needing. You need to understand that forgiveness is a complex thing (specially with infidelity), I have a cousin who "forgave" his wife after an infidelity and 11 years after he left her because he never really got around the fact that she cheated on him. It took him 11 years to realise he would never be able to get over it.

Again, here no one is justifying what OP's husband and I don't think she should rug-sweep his affair at all. But the fact that she cheated first plays a role in this story and she can't not be blind to that fact.

She needs to understand that while she needs healing now, her husband may need it too (yes, even after 8 years).

[katielee]

Op - ask him if he feels the playing field is even. Ask him if he needs things to be even in his marriage. That will tell you a lot about him. Ask him if having an affair made his pain as a BS less.

 

She isn't saying he doesn't need to heal or be hurt. She is not blind to that fact. But she can't do the work for him.

[BluesPower]

I will tell you the answer to your question. Yes.

 

It made me feel better without a doubt. I could really care less that she had an affair.

 

And don't think for a second that some husbands are more willing to cheat once they have been cheated on. As one poster said, "The magic is gone".

 

It does not make anything right that he did, but yeah it probably made him feel better.

 

But we have beat this horse, I think we need to continue to give support to OP. Because regardless of what she did in the past. He had a pretty heavy affair.

 

And, OP I really don't think it is his only one.

[katielee]

It did not make my husband feel better.

[BluesPower]

How could you know that? I am guessing that you are female.

 

Maybe I am just a Neanderthal but is made me feel better. And I never went into the affair for revenge. But yeah, it really helped.

[ladydesigner]

OP the fact that his A is happening 8 years later almost makes me question his motive. An A is an A. Your WH's A should be dealt with exactly the same way yours was dealt with. I wouldn't listen to another word. Check out Surviving Infidelity

[katielee]

This ^^^^. There is never an excuse for an affair. If it makes you feel better to get even then that's just more unhealthy justification.

Yep, check out SI!

[katielee]

How could you know that? I am guessing that you are female.

 

Maybe I am just a Neanderthal but is made me feel better. And I never went into the affair for revenge. But yeah, it really helped.[/quote

 

I asked him. He says he felt like he sold his soul. Same as me.

[Deeplyhurt30]

He has told me that my affair made his curiosity of being with another woman stronger. He tells me he had no feelings for this woman but that is very hard for me to believe - I just can't see him being that way at all. He told me I did nothing wrong during the time of his straying?

[katielee]

What did he tell himself to give him the green light to have an affair?

[road]

I have forgiven him for a string of things even before his sexual affair with the co worker. I have found pictures of other women on his phone as well as hidden phone numbers, and him admitting to me of having talked on the phone. Am I suppose to look at all of this as payback for what I did 8 years ago?

 

Two wrongs do not make a right.

[road]

"She does have to realize that her affair played a part in his affair. Does not make it right in any way. But, as she moves forward and tries to deal with this, she has to realize the effect her affair has/had on him."

 

To what extent? Yes, she hurt him, deeply. Does that give him free reign to do what he wants? 8 years later? She realizes this. What else can she do?

 

It doesn't give him any right to cheat but it does give him the feeling of even field that is probably what he was looking for or needing. You need to understand that forgiveness is a complex thing (specially with infidelity), I have a cousin who "forgave" his wife after an infidelity and 11 years after he left her because he never really got around the fact that she cheated on him. It took him 11 years to realise he would never be able to get over it.

Again, here no one is justifying what OP's husband and I don't think she should rug-sweep his affair at all. But the fact that she cheated first plays a role in this story and she can't not be blind to that fact.

She needs to understand that while she needs healing now, her husband may need it too (yes, even after 8 years).

 

 

 

Most likely her affair got rug swept and the work needed to get her BH past what happened did not get done or if done was not successful.

 

 

Her BH for whatever his reasons decided he needed a revenge affair, RA. His reasoning was false, though in his mind those false justifications were real justifications.

 

 

For this marriage to recover her affair has to be revisited to help her BH heal from her affair while her BH/WH now has to realize that his reasoning to have a RA was faulty and the RA only caused further damage to their marriage.

 

 

I have seen marriages recover from worse when the work is done.

[road]

He has told me that my affair made his curiosity of being with another woman stronger. He tells me he had no feelings for this woman but that is very hard for me to believe - I just can't see him being that way at all. He told me I did nothing wrong during the time of his straying?

 

I have never been a woman magnet so I never had any 10's chasing after me. Though I will now get to the point. Every day I see at least one hot woman. The thought through my mind is damn I would like to do her.

 

 

Not really want to do her but this I how men react when they see a woman they find attractive. It just is us admitting that she is good looking.

 

 

Finding a woman attractive is all a man needs to have sex with her. There does not have to be a mental connection. Now being married usually keeps a man from acting on his attraction to her.

[WilyWill]

This conversation has gotten silly. We're talking about whether someone had the "right" to an affair. Of course not, and no-one ever claimed that in this thread. So we need to stop redirecting the conversation.

 

I think we should avoid telling the OP things just to make her feel good. The truth is that her affair cut her husband deeply and did irreparable damage. He never got over it, and it created conditions that led to his affair and justified it in his mind to some extent. Who's "right" and who's "wrong" is just a silly discussion at this point, unless the arguments are something her husband would listen to. That won't happen.

 

"You go girl" is not going to help her heal with her husband and keep them together.

 

Yes, OP has done nothing wrong over the past eight years. It was the initial injury that contributed to his acting the way he did.

 

Both the OP and her husband need to make amends for what they did. They need to get everything out in the open. As a man, I can tell her that to help him heal, she really needs to go out of her way to make sure he understands that he's her man, the one she chose over all others, her only man, and that she has the utmost respect and love for him. It's unlikely that he's felt this from her over the last 8 years.

 

Only OP knows what she needs from her husband. Maybe other women can chime in. I agree that quitting his job is a good start. Certainly he owes her a display of true remorse. But presenting her husband with a detailed analysis of who is more at fault will accomplish nothing.