My husband hit me and is remorseful

[lovemebreakme]

She most likely had Borderline Personality. It was projection on her part--I guess she sees everyone else as being calculating like herself and thought my call to the police was something I was baiting her into. Thanks for your concern.

 

Sorry to take the thread off topic. Let's get back to OP.

 

It's no problem. It's just good to hear from someone who knows what I'm going through.

[aurelius99]

My dad came and visited me at work after he had talked with my husband. He was the only one who didn't right out bash him. They talked for a bit, and my husband admitted the truth. My father works with at-risk youth, so he has a lot of compassion. He told me that he doesn't think my husband is a monster and while angry with him doesn't wish him any ill feelings because I don't. He asked me what I wanted. I told him about him going to counseling and how the both of us need to work on better communication skills and that I'm not afraid of him and don't think he met too. Then he mentioned something called an affidavit of non-prosecution. He indicated that he believed remorseful people who are willing to work on themselves deserve second chances if the victim or individual who is wronged wants it. I know it is not guaranteed that it'll make a difference. I'm hoping they just offer a plea-bargain that is fair and won't send him to jail or get him fired from his job. The sooner that is out of the way.

 

I don't believe your father should be involved in the way he was. What you both need is a NEUTRAL party.

[lovemebreakme]

I don't believe your father should be involved in the way he was. What you both need is a NEUTRAL party.

 

Probably not, but he is the only one so far who isnt' stressing me out and who is not telling me what I should and should not be doing. He gave me his opinion and that was it. Told me he'd leave it to me unless I come to him. Which I appreciate.

[aurelius99]

Probably not, but he is the only one so far who isnt' stressing me out and who is not telling me what I should and should not be doing. He gave me his opinion and that was it. Told me he'd leave it to me unless I come to him. Which I appreciate.

 

Yea I see. I'm just saying from my experience, my ex's parents got involved and it went more downhill than it already was. I didn't know it at the time but she was feeding them false information about me. It made no sense (at the time) why her parents seemed to not be placing any blame on her for assaulting me. What she was saying was that I was actually abusing HER and the CHILDREN, and that I cheated on her. I didn't know all this until court. Then it all made sense why her father seemed to not sympathize with me being an abuse victim. Truly, anyone who has not experienced the distortion and smear campaigns of a borderline has no comprehension of how this would even be possible.

[aurelius99]

Anyway I didn't mean to ramble. I'm just trying to say that it's very important to keep the conflict resolution as UNBIASED as possible. Parents of EITHER parent are no help in the process.

[lovemebreakme]

Yea I see. I'm just saying from my experience, my ex's parents got involved and it went more downhill than it already was. I didn't know it at the time but she was feeding them false information about me. It made no sense (at the time) why her parents seemed to not be placing any blame on her for assaulting me. What she was saying was that I was actually abusing HER and the CHILDREN, and that I cheated on her. I didn't know all this until court. Then it all made sense why her father seemed to not sympathize with me being an abuse victim. Truly, anyone who has not experienced the distortion and smear campaigns of a borderline has no comprehension of how this would even be possible.

 

It's not even in the same league. My mother in law is telling my husband to not worry about my feelings and to do whatever it takes to get these charges dropped. The day after his arrest, she told me that she hoped I was happy for ruining his life.

[lovemebreakme]

Anyway I didn't mean to ramble. I'm just trying to say that it's very important to keep the conflict resolution as UNBIASED as possible. Parents of EITHER parent are no help in the process.

 

I'm just trying to figure out how to tell my mom to back off. She is at my house thinking she is helping when I just want to be alone.

[BaileyB]

For what it's worth, it is a very smart decision to live separately while you decompress from the situation and seek some support. Your husband has had a stressful year and he has many issues to sort through. It's also good that you are planning to see a counsellor - and I would assume some marriage counselling in the future.

 

Normally, I would take a very hard line with any person who physically assaults another person. However, it seems that your husband has exhausted his coping strategies and the resulting argument and assault seem like an expression of his grief, anger, and frustration. It's a good thing that he has shown remorse and that he is seeking counselling - it is important for him personally and important for your marriage if you chose to stay together.

 

IF, and only IF, you get counselling and he is able to learn to control his stress/anger, would I consider giving the marriage another chance. But, I do have hope for you both - that he will find some comfort and get to a better place and that your marriage may survive. Best wishes.

[lovemebreakme]

For what it's worth, it is a very smart decision to live separately while you decompress from the situation and seek some support. Your husband has had a stressful year and he has many issues to sort through. It's also good that you are planning to see a counsellor - and I would assume some marriage counselling in the future.

 

Normally, I would take a very hard line with any person who physically assaults another person. However, it seems that your husband has exhausted his coping strategies and the resulting argument and assault seem like an expression of his grief, anger, and frustration. It's a good thing that he has shown remorse and that he is seeking counselling - it is important for him personally and important for your marriage if you chose to stay together.

 

IF, and only IF, you get counselling and he is able to learn to control his stress/anger, would I consider giving the marriage another chance. But, I do have hope for you both - that he will find some comfort and get to a better place and that your marriage may survive. Best wishes.

 

We agreed to see each other often, but also give each other the space we need. And he'll have frequent visits with our son. But for now I'll be handling all the drop offs and picks up from daycare.

[BaileyB]

We agreed to see each other often, but also give each other the space we need. And he'll have frequent visits with our son. But for now I'll be handling all the drop offs and picks up from daycare.

 

Despite the meddling from your family, you seem to be handling the situation with grace and compassion. Yit seems that you are trying to maintain some healthy boundaries with your family, seeking support, and protecting yourself and your son. I will say, I've been very impressed with how you have handled a very difficult situation. I wish you all the best.

[lovemebreakme]

Despite the meddling from your family, you seem to be handling the situation with grace and compassion. Yit seems that you are trying to maintain some healthy boundaries with your family, seeking support, and protecting yourself and your son. I will say, I've been very impressed with how you have handled a very difficult situation. I wish you all the best.

 

Two days ago I would say I was handling it poorly. If you look at my first post. It was written with emotion versus reason. I just want my family together and for my husband and myself to get the help we need.

[whichwayisup]

Two days ago I would say I was handling it poorly. If you look at my first post. It was written with emotion versus reason. I just want my family together and for my husband and myself to get the help we need.

 

Exactly. Most of all your H needs help, he's broken and obviously hasn't handled his father's sudden death well at all, and he needs counseling badly so he can heal in a healthy way and learn to control his temper and not get so stressed out.

 

I hope your mom and his mom back off, as well as the rest of the family who knows, this way if you two are able to work things out, they can accept your decision and not hold it against him forever. IF you do end up staying in your marriage, they all need to give him a second chance and not treat him like crap. He messed up horribly, he knows that too and I'm sure he knows if there's a second time, he's OUT and there will be a divorce. His hitting seemed out of character so since he is willing to work hard, maybe he deserves a chance to prove he is worthy of a second chance.

 

And his mom has to let go too and realize that you're not the bad guy either.. Glad that your dad is giving you the support you need by staying neutral.

[whichwayisup]

The daycare incident only happened once. He just forgot to tell me to let my mom know to pick him up as he had to work late. As for hitting me. I can't really say anything on that. I hope through time and hard work we can get past that. Because he really is not a bad guy and I strongly believe he'd never do it again. It even scared him.

 

He is getting the help he needs and it's out of character of him since he's never done this before. I believe (said this above too) much of this is not grieving his father's death or processing it in a healthy way. It's good you're not worried about him doing it again - Chances are he won't since he is remorseful and doesn't fit the abuse pattern and personality of someone who is abusive.

 

Wish you the best.

[lovemebreakme]

Exactly. Most of all your H needs help, he's broken and obviously hasn't handled his father's sudden death well at all, and he needs counseling badly so he can heal in a healthy way and learn to control his temper and not get so stressed out.

 

I hope your mom and his mom back off, as well as the rest of the family who knows, this way if you two are able to work things out, they can accept your decision and not hold it against him forever. IF you do end up staying in your marriage, they all need to give him a second chance and not treat him like crap. He messed up horribly, he knows that too and I'm sure he knows if there's a second time, he's OUT and there will be a divorce. His hitting seemed out of character so since he is willing to work hard, maybe he deserves a chance to prove he is worthy of a second chance.

 

And his mom has to let go too and realize that you're not the bad guy either.. Glad that your dad is giving you the support you need by staying neutral.

 

I hope that is true. I don't expect them to ever view him the same wy again. But if we do survive this, then I will expect them to respect that and at least be civil around him.

[whichwayisup]

I hope that is true. I don't expect them to ever view him the same wy again. But if we do survive this, then I will expect them to respect that and at least be civil around him.

 

He can apologize and own what he's done, when the time is right. He can tell them he's in counseling and he's not justifying his past actions but has got the help needs, if he come from a place of remorse and show compassion for why they are upset with him, hopefully they can give him a chance too. Things will never the be same, that blind trust they once had for him is gone but it is possible for everybody to move past this and not hold it against him.

[lovemebreakme]

He can apologize and own what he's done, when the time is right. He can tell them he's in counseling and he's not justifying his past actions but has got the help needs, if he come from a place of remorse and show compassion for why they are upset with him, hopefully they can give him a chance too. Things will never the be same, that blind trust they once had for him is gone but it is possible for everybody to move past this and not hold it against him.

 

I think that blind trust is gone for good for me too. But I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing though. If we are being realistic.

[whichwayisup]

I think that blind trust is gone for good for me too. But I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing though. If we are being realistic.

 

True. And because of this your marriage now will be more honest and real, no bullsh.it. Any issues will be dealt with and not ignored/swept under the rug.

 

Are you still in love with him?

[benpom]

I see problem from both sides. You both need to change your behaviors.

 

You certainly deserve to be loved and cherished, so does your husband. Hitting is certainly wrong, but before that happened, you two were already having problems. And in fact, before the hitting happened, it sounds like you were not respecting the other person's wishes and boundaries.

 

If you want the marriage to work, you need to work on yourself too. He is clearly unhappy, and he has not got much support from you. Now with the hitting issue, everyone is on your side. His voice will be buried, and his unhappiness will grow silently. He won't be able to live like that forever. Eventually, he will go where he gets the love and comfort any human being deserves.

[lovemebreakme]

I see problem from both sides. You both need to change your behaviors.

 

You certainly deserve to be loved and cherished, so does your husband. Hitting is certainly wrong, but before that happened, you two were already having problems. And in fact, before the hitting happened, it sounds like you were not respecting the other person's wishes and boundaries.

 

If you want the marriage to work, you need to work on yourself too. He is clearly unhappy, and he has not got much support from you. Now with the hitting issue, everyone is on your side. His voice will be buried, and his unhappiness will grow silently. He won't be able to live like that forever. Eventually, he will go where he gets the love and comfort any human being deserves.

 

I know I have to work on myself. We both didn't realize how much problems we had until this happened. As for support. I don't think I have been unsupportive. When his father passed away I was there when he cried. I comforted him, listen to him. Did everything I could for him. Even before that we rarely fought and enjoyed each other company. We parented well and had a great sec life. Heck eight years in and I still get butterflies.

 

We both love each other and we both have serious issues. But I guess it struck a nerve saying that I'm not supportive of my husband.

[benpom]

I know I have to work on myself. We both didn't realize how much problems we had until this happened. As for support. I don't think I have been unsupportive. When his father passed away I was there when he cried. I comforted him, listen to him. Did everything I could for him. Even before that we rarely fought and enjoyed each other company. We parented well and had a great sec life. Heck eight years in and I still get butterflies.

 

We both love each other and we both have serious issues. But I guess it struck a nerve saying that I'm not supportive of my husband.

 

Sorry I said you were not supportive.

 

Sounds like you were being supportive in many ways. It will be better to be supportive in his ways too, like leaving him alone when he needs space.

[lovemebreakme]

 

Are you still in love with him?

 

Most definitely. I still get butterflies every time I see him.

[BetheButterfly]

I'm 26 and my husband is 32. We've been together 8 years and married 4. We have a two-year-old son together.

 

Our relationship and marriage had been good up until three days ago. My husband had been under a great deal of stress at work and dealing with grief over his father sudden death a few months ago.

 

That could indeed be very hard for him.

 

I should have left then but I was pissed off and I told him to grow up and stop being a baby.

Men appreciate and need respect. Saying the above does not show respect. What he needed right then was for you to encourage him, not scold him like a child.

 

 

It was a split second, and I am not sure what really happened but he had slapped me on the side of the face. I fell over. He instantly looked horrified and literally left after that.

That was physical abuse; he should not have done that.

 

I called my mom telling her what happened then went to bed. At around 2 am the police showed up at my house to take my statement. My mom had called the police on him. I told him it was the accident and didn't want to press charges. But they ended up arresting him anyway.

 

The following day, he called me and apologized. I told him that I had no idea my mom would call the police on him. He said he deserved it.

I agree; he deserved being arrested for hitting you. Hopefully that woke him up so he won't do it ever again.

 

The phone call lasted a few minutes. I told him that I needed some time to process what happened and didn't want to talk to him right now.

 

Last night, he came home a mess. He had a black eye and a split lip. Turns out my brothers went confronted him and did a number on him for hitting me. We talked for a bit. He told me that he was sorry and didn't mean to hurt me. He went on tell me that he didn't get the promotion he wanted, then his mother showed up at his work to vent, and that it was just a build up of anger. I felt really badly for what my brothers did to him so I let him back in the house but made him sleep on the couch.

Well, I don't agree with what your brothers did, but I do agree with your Mom for calling the cops.

Right now I'm feeling so ****ty. I wish I had never confided in my mom and now he has to deal with domestic violence charges. I'm not excusing what he did to me, but his actions were so not like him. He instantly regretted what he did and I know he wished he could go back in time. He has said he already contacted a therapist because what he did wasn't okay.

That's a good sign, that he contacted a therapist. I am sorry this happened. He needs to learn to channel his anger into something productive.

And he begged me to forgive him and not leave him over this. I'm just so confused.

My hubby has never hit or assaulted me in our 5+ years of marriage. If he ever does, i would call the cops on him, and he knows it. I also would give him a chance to truly repent (ask forgiveness and truly change, not do it anymore), though he doesn't know that, as far as I know. So, I personally understand if you do give him another chance, to show that he won't ever do that again.

[BetheButterfly]

I think that blind trust is gone for good for me too. But I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing though. If we are being realistic.

 

Trust has to be earned. I don't believe in blind trust. When trust is broken, it has to be earned again. That's why honesty and kindness are so important in marriage; they help feed love and trust.

[lovemebreakme]

Trust has to be earned. I don't believe in blind trust. When trust is broken, it has to be earned again. That's why honesty and kindness are so important in marriage; they help feed love and trust.

 

When I met my husband, after there was an attraction and us hanged out for a bit, dating when things weren't super serious there was a baseline for trust.

 

After we became exclusive, which was about two months into our relationship, even though it was probably subcounciosly determined about two weeks into our relationship. I fell head over heals for him. He did the same for me. We texted each other, spent every waking moment we could for one another. By the year mark, I'd say there was a blind trust, which I now know isn't healthy.

 

I thought he could do no wrong. He'd never hurt me, cheat on me. That he was this perfect person and we had this perfect relationship. That we were one of a kind.

 

Wednesday night/ Thursday morning was an actual wake up call. I knew we had problems, but I never realized how deep they were. I realize I have a real respecting other people's boundaries issue that I need to address and he has a lot of anxiety and grief issues he had been unable to control or cope with. I own 100% I'm at fault for the name calling and not respecting his personal boundaries, and he takes 100% for the physical abuse.

 

We both want our marriage to work and to be able to be great parents and role model to our son. It just sucks it took him getting arrested and doing something he'll regret for the rest of his life, for our eyes to be wide open. I truly believe he has suffered enough. The guilt and the shame he's feeling are eating him up inside. He starts therapy today so I hope and pray he can get through the grief and can forgive himself. I have never seen this man cry so much, and look so utterly defeated in the eight years we have been together. He's been taking these last few days harder then when his father actually passed away. I really do think all these emotions, and grief is really catching up with him.

 

I have my first therapy meeting on Thursday. I'm just a committed to becoming a healthier person as well.

[BetheButterfly]

When I met my husband, after there was an attraction and us hanged out for a bit, dating when things weren't super serious there was a baseline for trust.

 

After we became exclusive, which was about two months into our relationship, even though it was probably subcounciosly determined about two weeks into our relationship. I fell head over heals for him. He did the same for me. We texted each other, spent every waking moment we could for one another.

 

Aww :love:

 

By the year mark, I'd say there was a blind trust, which I now know isn't healthy.

 

I thought he could do no wrong. He'd never hurt me, cheat on me. That he was this perfect person and we had this perfect relationship. That we were one of a kind.

 

Wednesday night/ Thursday morning was an actual wake up call. I knew we had problems, but I never realized how deep they were. I realize I have a real respecting other people's boundaries issue that I need to address and he has a lot of anxiety and grief issues he had been unable to control or cope with. I own 100% I'm at fault for the name calling and not respecting his personal boundaries, and he takes 100% for the physical abuse.

That's good that he takes responsibility for what he did.

We both want our marriage to work and to be able to be great parents and role model to our son.

That's awesome and so important!!!

It just sucks it took him getting arrested and doing something he'll regret for the rest of his life, for our eyes to be wide open.

Aye, but no use crying over spilled milk, as my Mom likes to say.

 

I truly believe he has suffered enough. The guilt and the shame he's feeling are eating him up inside. He starts therapy today so I hope and pray he can get through the grief and can forgive himself. I have never seen this man cry so much, and look so utterly defeated in the eight years we have been together. He's been taking these last few days harder then when his father actually passed away. I really do think all these emotions, and grief is really catching up with him.

Yeah. I am glad he is going to therapy, and I hope he never reacts with violence again. It's very important not to ever allow abuse to become a second offense.

 

I have my first therapy meeting on Thursday. I'm just a committed to becoming a healthier person as well.

That's awesome. I wish y'all well, and I hope y'all get through this trial stronger together, and more in love with each other, and yeah, that he never ever abuses you ever again!!!