My husband hit me and is remorseful

[elaine567]

You want to get rid of your Mom and family PDQ, as they are not telling you what you want to hear, i.e. that it is all OK and that you and your husband can get back to normal and that it never happened...

[Mr. Lucky]

I love this man and I regained a lot of respect for him when he didn't blame me for any of it. It was me who tried to take some of the blame.

 

Not only are you continuing to set an inappropriately low bar, you're actually interfering with his ability to work through this.

 

You're not to blame for this any more than a woman who dresses provocatively is responsible for sexual violence. This is on him. There are appropriate consequences to what he's done. You should carefully watch how he deals with them...

 

Mr. Lucky

[stillafool]

This should be a lesson not to run to your mom about your marital problems but to handle them yourself. Your family will never accept your husband again.

[BluesPower]

What he did was wrong, no two ways about it. He needs to face the charges and deal with that.

 

Sorry, but your brothers did the right thing, he will be ok and it may help him to remember not to do it again. I would have done exactly the same thing and if it had been my daughter it would have much worse than a black eye.

 

If this was a one time deal, and he gets therapy and really works at it, this may work out fine. But you need to be on guard.

 

The thing is that you both need some MC and therapy to learn how to "Fight" properly and deal with your stress.

 

Good luck...

[nittygritty]

This should be a lesson not to run to your mom about your marital problems but to handle them yourself. Your family will never accept your husband again.

 

She can't trust her husband to pick up their child from daycare or not to hit her. She is going to need her family if it happens again. They are much more likely to be there for her and her child, then he is.

[lovemebreakme]

What he did was wrong, no two ways about it. He needs to face the charges and deal with that.

 

Sorry, but your brothers did the right thing, he will be ok and it may help him to remember not to do it again. I would have done exactly the same thing and if it had been my daughter it would have much worse than a black eye.

 

If this was a one-time deal, and he gets therapy and really works at it, this may work out fine. But you need to be on guard.

 

The thing is that you both need some MC and therapy to learn how to "Fight" properly and deal with your stress.

 

Good luck...

 

He is dealing with the charges. He's pleading guilty. His mother and his lawyer both contacted me because they want the charges to be reduced to a Class C Misdemeanor. He said it doesn't really matter because he is guilty and just doesn't want to involve me any more than I need too.

 

They never issued a no-contact order against him. When the cops came and talked to me. I thought about saying that nothing happened. But I explained what happened and how I felt like he didn't do it on purpose and that I wasn't afraid of him. Which I'm not. I made a comment about this wasn't like him.

 

I think the poster above, saying that I was interfering with him doing the right thing is correct. He is taking full responsibility, leaving the house when my mother showed up. He is now telling he'll stay at his mother's house until further notice. He has his first therapy appointment tomorrow that he had made himself. He respecting my boundaries, as loose as they are.

 

If anyone is trying to make this go away it is me. And I know I really shouldn't but I feel so awful. I know I need to see someone and on my break at work, I'm going to call around for a therapist. Because I know I shouldn't be making excuses for him. I guess in a way I'm feeling really overwhelmed. I just want everyone to stop telling me how I am supposed to feel, what I need to do and when I need to do it. I can't control how they feel about him now, but I just feel like they are treating me like I'm incompetent.

 

My mother called into work because she wants to stay at my house. Which kind of pissed me off. I honestly just want to be alone and she won't respect that. My dad, on the other hand, has been on the neutral. He told me that he thought we both needed time apart. This was a few days ago. I think he was still in shock because he almost didn't believe it. But he is also the type of man who believes people can change but also gets pretty pissed when people never learn from their mistakes. So I don't know where his head is at in all this.

 

I'd probably keep rambling if I didn't have to go to work and drop my son off at daycare.

[lovemebreakme]

She can't trust her husband to pick up their child from daycare or not to hit her. She is going to need her family if it happens again. They are much more likely to be there for her and her child, then he is.

 

The daycare incident only happened once. He just forgot to tell me to let my mom know to pick him up as he had to work late. As for hitting me. I can't really say anything on that. I hope through time and hard work we can get past that. Because he really is not a bad guy and I strongly believe he'd never do it again. It even scared him.

[Rockdad]

My wife was physically and emotionally abused over and over by her ex. I survived a brutal father and married once to an abuser. It all starts with the 1st time. It always does. Because someone can't control their temper does not magically become the fault or responsibility of the abused. You don't sweep abuse under the rug you expose it. You don't try and turn it into your job to make things better.

 

I'm not a violent person what so ever. My sons are not. I do expect my 3 boys to stick up for each other and yes whoop someones ass if need be. I would be disappointed if they had a sister and didn't do what your brothers did. Odds predict this will happen again to you unfortunately which saddens me. You have any idea how many times I've been a part of locking up a guy like your husband? Same story just a different name. You may not see it now, best fricken message in the world was delivered by your brothers. Even better than the court can do.

[nittygritty]

The daycare incident only happened once. He just forgot to tell me to let my mom know to pick him up as he had to work late. As for hitting me. I can't really say anything on that. I hope through time and hard work we can get past that. Because he really is not a bad guy and I strongly believe he'd never do it again. It even scared him.

 

For your sake and your sons, I hope so too.

 

I think you need to decide what your boundaries are when it comes to deciding what kind of treatment and behaviors that you will and won't tolerate. If your husband had picked up a 2 x 4 piece of wood and hit you over the head with it, would you leave him?

Edited November 21, 2016 by nittygritty

[DeeplyMissHer]

I'm 26 and my husband is 32. We've been together 8 years and married 4. We have a two-year-old son together.

 

Our relationship and marriage had been good up until three days ago. My husband had been under a great deal of stress at work and dealing with grief over his father sudden death a few months ago.

 

Which brings me to three days ago. My husband alarm didn't go off and he was late for work. So his day already started on the wrong foot. He drove to work and realized that he forgot to tell me that he couldn't pick our son up from daycare and for me to call my mom to come get him. SO at 4:20, twenty minutes after he was supposed to be picked up the daycare called me.

 

After I got off the phone with the daycare provider I called my mom to go pick up my son. Then I called my husband. He admitted he forgot and I needed to show him some slack. I told him that he needed to make sure not to forget again because it looks bad on us, and also she charges 0.25 a minute for being late. He hung up on me.

 

He came home at around eight that night in a bad mood. He was criticizing everything. The house being a mess, his boss being an ass. It went on and on and on. Then he went outside to our garage. After our son was put down to sleep I went out there to talk to him.

 

He was sitting in the bed of his truck staring at the ceiling. I asked him what was wrong. He told me to **** off. He was seething and shaking. I told him I wasn't leaving until he told me why he was so mad. He told me to **** off again. I should have left then but I was pissed off and I told him to grow up and stop being a baby.

 

Then he got into my face and I started shouted for him to back up and calm the **** down. It was a split second, and I am not sure what really happened but he had slapped me on the side of the face. I fell over. He instantly looked horrified and literally left after that.

 

I called my mom telling her what happened then went to bed. At around 2 am the police showed up at my house to take my statement. My mom had called the police on him. I told him it was the accident and didn't want to press charges. But they ended up arresting him anyway.

 

The following day, he called me and apologized. I told him that I had no idea my mom would call the police on him. He said he deserved it. The phone call lasted a few minutes. I told him that I needed some time to process what happened and didn't want to talk to him right now.

 

Last night, he came home a mess. He had a black eye and a split lip. Turns out my brothers went confronted him and did a number on him for hitting me. We talked for a bit. He told me that he was sorry and didn't mean to hurt me. He went on tell me that he didn't get the promotion he wanted, then his mother showed up at his work to vent, and that it was just a build up of anger. I felt really badly for what my brothers did to him so I let him back in the house but made him sleep on the couch.

 

Right now I'm feeling so ****ty. I wish I had never confided in my mom and now he has to deal with domestic violence charges. I'm not excusing what he did to me, but his actions were so not like him. He instantly regretted what he did and I know he wished he could go back in time. He has said he already contacted a therapist because what he did wasn't okay. And he begged me to forgive him and not leave him over this. I'm just so confused.

 

 

What he did to you was in no way your fault. Domestic Violence is something that shouldn't be tolerated in any relationship for both female and male. If my girlfriend at any time were to hit me or I hit her, I'd expect there to be consequences. Such as being arrested at the very least.

 

My brother a few years back was arrested for pushing his pregnant girlfriend. She called the police and he was arrested. From what I gather from your post there might not have been a restraining order issued. In his case there was. Anyway, he went to court and pleaded guilty to domestic violence. I think if he never took responsibility and sought out a psychologist and not pleaded guilty to domestic violence he would have never changed.

 

From reading your post, you are doing a lot of self-blaming. You should really stop this. It is okay to take responsibility for things you have said to him, and how you handle arguments but in no way should you take responsibility for him assaulting you.

 

It's good he is seeking a therapist on his own. That is a very good sign regardless of whether you end of working on your marriage or deciding to go your separate ways. I don't think anyone male or female who hits someone is automatically a horrible person who is unredeemable but it takes a lot of work and self-awareness to learn from it and become a healthy person.

 

On the same token, I do think you need to work on some of your own issues. Name calling, not learning when to let go is some skills that could be improved on. I remember back when my girlfriend dumped me it took a lot of work to get me to a place where I could be healthy in a relationship. I guess my point is it wouldn't be a bad idea to just learn better ways to communicate and handle arguments.

[lovemebreakme]

My wife was physically and emotionally abused over and over by her ex. I survived a brutal father and married once to an abuser. It all starts with the 1st time. It always does. Because someone can't control their temper does not magically become the fault or responsibility of the abused. You don't sweep abuse under the rug you expose it. You don't try and turn it into your job to make things better.

 

I'm not a violent person what so ever. My sons are not. I do expect my 3 boys to stick up for each other and yes whoop someones ass if need be. I would be disappointed if they had a sister and didn't do what your brothers did. Odds predict this will happen again to you unfortunately which saddens me. You have any idea how many times I've been a part of locking up a guy like your husband? Same story just a different name. You may not see it now, best fricken message in the world was delivered by your brothers. Even better than the court can do.

 

I know it was the best message my husband could have received. But I'm human and I love him. Seeing him in pain really pulls at my heart strings.

[Noirek]

I know it was the best message my husband could have received. But I'm human and I love him. Seeing him in pain really pulls at my heart strings.

 

I actually think for those who it is really a one time thing the shock and pain on your face is the best message. And I understand your own guilt. People feel guilt when the make descisions to get in a car that gets hit and their child is killed. Completely misplaced. I think all you can do is keep moving forward. And ignore the people who are defending the violent and WRONG actions of your brothers. They are being hypocrites. It really is too bad they got away with breaking the law and consequences for premeditated assault and your husband didn't. But in the long run it may help your family heal faster if people stop retalating and start forgiving.

 

As to your mom staying. If you need her gone could you possibly ask your dad to stay instead? Some one quieter and less likely to interfere? You wouldn't be alone then but you wouldn't be bothered either.

[SoleMate]

OP, I'm so sorry for what you are facing. There are problems all over the place. Most of them are not you responsibility but they're all affecting you anyway.

 

• Your husband slapped you - inexcusable (regardless of what you did and especially not the microscopic "provocation" he identified)
  
• Your mom reported the slap to police - correct thing to do
  
• Your brothers beat your H severely - this is the ugliest crime of this whole thread. Violence doesn't solve violence
  
• Your brothers and H all believe that violence is a viable strategy in a tough situation - maybe your mom does too - well it's NOT. Especially violence that escalates drastically. Even the Old Testament said it's just an eye for an eye. It's not bloodying someone's face and chipping a tooth for a slap
  
• Your mom is pushing you to divorce - wrong. It is your choice and shouldn't be pushed by her
  
• You are blaming yourself for you husband's behavior
  
• Probably more things I didn't catch
  

 

When so many people are behaving badly all around you, chaos and suffering are inevitable. It may help you to realize that.....it's not like you could carefully tiptoe with just the right words and gestures and make everything OK with everybody because you control very little of the above.

 

The only thing you truly control are your own behavior, thoughts, and choices. Everyone here needs individual counseling for boundaries, choices, goals, and ways to de-escalate feelings and avoid violence. Good luck.

[lovemebreakme]

OP, I'm so sorry for what you are facing. There are problems all over the place. Most of them are not you responsibility but they're all affecting you anyway.

 

• Your husband slapped you - inexcusable (regardless of what you did and especially not the microscopic "provocation" he identified)
  
• Your mom reported the slap to police - correct thing to do
  
• Your brothers beat your H severely - this is the ugliest crime of this whole thread. Violence doesn't solve violence
  
• Your brothers and H all believe that violence is a viable strategy in a tough situation - maybe your mom does too - well it's NOT. Especially violence that escalates drastically. Even the Old Testament said it's just an eye for an eye. It's not bloodying someone's face and chipping a tooth for a slap
  
• Your mom is pushing you to divorce - wrong. It is your choice and shouldn't be pushed by her
  
• You are blaming yourself for you husband's behavior
  
• Probably more things I didn't catch
  

 

When so many people are behaving badly all around you, chaos and suffering are inevitable. It may help you to realize that.....it's not like you could carefully tiptoe with just the right words and gestures and make everything OK with everybody because you control very little of the above.

 

The only thing you truly control are your own behavior, thoughts, and choices. Everyone here needs individual counseling for boundaries, choices, goals, and ways to de-escalate feelings and avoid violence. Good luck.

 

My husband takes one hundred percent responsibility which makes this so much easier. He is seeking councelling which is awesome and I am seeking a councellor for myself. Because I really need one.

 

As for everyone else. I'm going to tell my mom when I get home from work that she needs to go home. That I appreciate she is trying to help but I need space. My husbands out of the house for now. I just really need some space.

[SaveYourHeart]

This whole thread makes me so sad, I can't imagine the pain you're going through OP, I hope that if you choose to give him another chance, that he never raises a finger to hurt you again. You don't deserve that. You deserve someone who will love you through dirty dishes, and will love you and cherish you unconditionally.

[lovemebreakme]

This whole thread makes me so sad, I can't imagine the pain you're going through OP, I hope that if you choose to give him another chance, that he never raises a finger to hurt you again. You don't deserve that. You deserve someone who will love you through dirty dishes, and will love you and cherish you unconditionally.

 

That is really what hurts the most. That this was the last thing I'd ever expect him to do. I always felt loved and cherished by him. He was my best friend and my biggest supporter. Even now, I just really want to call him to come home and to just give him a hug. I have been holding myself back from telling him I love him and that this is all going to be okay. I am leaning toward giving him another chance if he continues to show responsibility for his actions. I do forgive him for hitting me. But doesn't mean I'm over it which I'm afraid it may seem like.

[SaveYourHeart]

That is really what hurts the most. That this was the last thing I'd ever expect him to do. I always felt loved and cherished by him. He was my best friend and my biggest supporter. Even now, I just really want to call him to come home and to just give him a hug. I have been holding myself back from telling him I love him and that this is all going to be okay. I am leaning toward giving him another chance if he continues to show responsibility for his actions. I do forgive him for hitting me. But doesn't mean I'm over it which I'm afraid it may seem like.

I understand that, it's been 5 months since my husband said some very awful and hurtful things to me and I'm still not fully healed, sometimes I wish I didn't give him another chance. Now is your time to decide who you want to be and where you want to go in your life, and your situation is much scarier than mine was. When our spouses suddenly become capable of things we never thought was possible, we wonder who we married and why we married them. I wish you only the best and the happiest life. Only you can make the decision where to go from here <3

[MissCongeniality]

I would recommend therapy for the both of you. You not respecting his wishes to be left alone and then insulting him is also emotionally abusive.

 

Bad situation all around. Are you comfortable with your mom and brothers enacting retribution on your behalf?

Therapy first that is important I skimmed a bit so don't know the whole story. Also he hits you again get out.

[SaveYourHeart]

Therapy first that is important I skimmed a bit so don't know the whole story. Also he hits you again get out.

Agreed, if he ever so much as lifts a finger towards you or your child, throw his crap out the window, block his number, file for divorce with an emergency ex parte order to keep him away and change the locks.

[lovemebreakme]

My dad came and visited me at work after he had talked with my husband. He was the only one who didn't right out bash him. They talked for a bit, and my husband admitted the truth. My father works with at-risk youth, so he has a lot of compassion. He told me that he doesn't think my husband is a monster and while angry with him doesn't wish him any ill feelings because I don't. He asked me what I wanted. I told him about him going to counseling and how the both of us need to work on better communication skills and that I'm not afraid of him and don't think he met too. Then he mentioned something called an affidavit of non-prosecution. He indicated that he believed remorseful people who are willing to work on themselves deserve second chances if the victim or individual who is wronged wants it. I know it is not guaranteed that it'll make a difference. I'm hoping they just offer a plea-bargain that is fair and won't send him to jail or get him fired from his job. The sooner that is out of the way.

Edited November 21, 2016 by lovemebreakme

[vla1120]

When I first read everything, my thought was "Run fast and far. Once an abuser, always an abuser". But he is seeking counseling and that is a good start. It also sounds like your father has some good advice. Stay diligent. Don't take the blame for your husband's actions. Let him take the blame for that, as he has done. Working on your communication skills together can only help. I wish you well.

[lovemebreakme]

I just got back from seeing my husband. We had an honest conversation about where we are at and what I have decided.

 

I told him I was going to cooperate in whatever it takes to get these charges reduced. But I made clear that I wasn't taking any blame for what he had done to me.

 

I told him I want to work on our marriage and that we both need to see therapists which I pointed out that I'm glad he took the initiative to do that. WE both agreed and wished we could take that night back and done things differently but we can't and he has to deal with the consequences of the choice he made. He has so much self-hatred and he kept saying how his father would be so disappointed in him and how he let him down. His grief and anxiety aren't healthy and I'm so glad he is seeking help.

 

As for now. We agreed to live separately for a bit. As much as that is going to be hard. We both agree it is needed. My heart just hurting so badly but I'm not ready to give up on him or us just yet.

[aurelius99]

I guess there's a chance for you guys. My ex wife assaulted me with a blunt object to the point of multiple bruises, was arrested, and I waited for an apology but never got one. As far as she's concerned, it was and still is my fault--she even said it was my plan all along to send her to jail. So the fact that your husband is remorseful is a sign of hope. I wish you the best.

[lovemebreakme]

I guess there's a chance for you guys. My ex wife assaulted me with a blunt object to the point of multiple bruises, was arrested, and I waited for an apology but never got one. As far as she's concerned, it was and still is my fault--she even said it was my plan all along to send her to jail. So the fact that your husband is remorseful is a sign of hope. I wish you the best.

 

That is bizarre. I don't know how anyone can blame someone for assaulting someone with a weapon and not take any responsibility, even a little blame. I'd say you dodge a bullet by divorcing her. Just sorry you had deal with that.

[aurelius99]

That is bizarre. I don't know how anyone can blame someone for assaulting someone with a weapon and not take any responsibility, even a little blame. I'd say you dodge a bullet by divorcing her. Just sorry you had deal with that.

 

She most likely had Borderline Personality. It was projection on her part--I guess she sees everyone else as being calculating like herself and thought my call to the police was something I was baiting her into. Thanks for your concern.

 

Sorry to take the thread off topic. Let's get back to OP.