Is anything going on

[drifter777]

Physically separating from your WW to clear your head and try to understand the extent of the damage she has done is an excellent idea and is something I always advise. Whether she is remorseful and begging for another chance or still actively screwing OM - the decision on how to proceed is yours and yours alone. Look at the stark reality of what she has done. How do you believe it will affect your marriage now and in the future? Can you live with her and not overlook everything you've read in her diary? Is all that sex with OM and her blind commitment to him something you will ever be able to accept was some kind of mistake? Can you ever really accept that you are not her "plan B" and she is settling for you now that OM has dumped her? These are some of the things you need to consider as you make your decisions.

 

As for the OM being this smooth operator who charmed the panties off of your wife & that she was defenseless against his magical charms is complete rubbish. Your wife wanted exactly what she got - sex another man. She chose him to have a sexual relationship with because it was fun, exciting, and it felt good. Don't lie to yourself about her motive.

Edited January 18, 2017 by drifter777

[S2B]

You refer to her "having her moment"...

 

I don't think she has had her moment one bit! Not at all! Not since she is still expecting YOU (the victim) to console her (the abuser)!

 

She isn't the victim! She's got it all backwards!

 

SHE willingly (and happily went on those trips) cheated on you!

 

What's to work on? Seriously? She's not sorry she cheated - she's sorry it's over and she got caught!

 

I'd bet big money if her OMM called her right now to meet she would skip off to go have sex with him! ... and that's not a gal that can be trusted!

 

Without trust and respect = you have no marriage and nothing to work with.

[Just a Guy]

Hi S2B, if I may ask have you been betrayed by a spouse in the past and was the betrayal cruel and callous so as to leave you with contempt and hatred towards all cheaters? While I respect your views and accept the logic in them I get the feeling that there is a simmering and deep dislike and distrust of all cheaters irrespective of their circumstances. Whatever it was that caused you such pain I can only imagine how bad it must have been. I really wish you the very best and I hope you are able to get closure from whatever may have caused you this deep hurt. Warm wishes.

[WilyWill]

FWIW, I think it's highly unlikely that she's reconnected with her AP. I think she hates his guts after all that's transpired. He backstabbed her in an attempt to save his own skin. She may not even see him as a man anymore.

 

Drone should continue his divorce action at his own pace, and we should understand his desire to go easy on the mother of his child. If he decides there is enough for reconciliation at some point, he can always stop the divorce. But for reconciliation she has one heck of a hill to climb, and she hasn't even gotten started.

[BluesPower]

Wait a minute. I'm kind of confused.

 

The only reason I had an opinion finally was that I thought you didn't have the stomach for taking her back after all you'd learned from the diary. Most posts have been chanting to D, D, D. A few, such as the one immediately following OP's above, have said think about it. And, you, Drone, are saying - what? - you're trying to do what we're telling you?

 

Can we back up a minute? I have had the question from the beginning - same with Zinger ever so many months ago - whether his wife had a chance in hell of embracing or communicating deep remorse because of how loud the natives were beating the divorce drums.

 

I mean I'm all for supporting separation and independence for the right reasons and there are usually more of those than otherwise. So, Drone, can you say - not ask us - but tell us which interpretations of her actions are correct? Do you think the only reason she's freaking out is because the OM turned his back on her and tried to save his own skin? Do you think she WANTS to know what she's done wrong and how she's hurt you? Do you think her sorrow or hysteria or whatever she's displaying is worth looking at more closely for authenticity, commitment and humility?

 

Truly, I get confused when the peanut gallery gets louder than the act. I just don't understand how so many can be so completely 100% confident about what anyone, whom they've ever seen and only know about in an anonymous forum, is feeling, seeing, wanting or should do. And how much less likely what the people that this person is writing about are feeling, seeing, wanting or should do. I mean don't we just give our impressions and relate them to our observations and inferences with the caveat that they are by definition our opinions? How do we know everything she's thinking and feeling? How is everyone so sure if Drone is not?

 

Probably not a popular post - just asking...

 

Hold on a minute Merrmeade... I get what you are saying I really do but lets look at this one.

 

He has read her diary, he knows what they did, and I am betting that somewhere in there she says how much she loved the other man and how great he was in bed and how the sex was the best she has ever had in her life.

 

For sure she enjoyed sex acts with him that she has never ever done with him, and she loved it.

 

Do you think a man can get over something like that. Not very easily for sure.

 

Also, she hated traveling for work until she was able to have time away from her husband and kids and have great monkey sex with her OM. And of course he got to read all about it.

 

This is really a bad one and I think that Drone has handled it really well to this point. She was in love with her AP, yes she was stupid, but she surely entertained thoughts of running away with the jerk.

 

I am not sure how he is going to be able to get over this. And YES her tears are for herself not for him or his children. She is figuring out what a fool she was and how her life is going to change, she is not thinking of him and the pain that she caused. Remember that she was "Torn" between the two men until OM dropped her in the grease.

 

I think you ask to much of Drone to forgive this one...

[S2B]

Merm

 

Why do you wish for him to put forth the energy to reconcile when his wife would easily have her OM if he was available to her?

 

Why are you asking him to settle for being #2?

[troubadour]

 

As for the OM being this smooth operator who charmed the panties off of your wife & that she was defenseless against his magical charms is complete rubbish. Your wife wanted exactly what she got - sex another man. She chose him to have a sexual relationship with because it was fun, exciting, and it felt good. Don't lie to yourself about her motive.

 

 

I agree 100% with what drifter777 said above.

Edited January 18, 2017 by troubadour

[turnera]

I don't have a strong view what's the right way, but I feel that just a day or two in "what have I done" mode is not nearly convincing enough to even consider imitating this discussion.

 

So I'm going to spend 2-3'days away from home to clear my head. There is no change to divorce plans whatsoever for now.

 

What I usually tell people in your place is to tell the "ex" WS that you will give them a year, living separately, to prove to you that they get it. A year of dedicating themselves to you, going to therapy, 100% transparency, absolutely no other men, basically living in penance for a year.

 

If she's truly remorseful, she will jump at that chance. And the most you'll be out is a year of waiting on the divorce.

[road]

Hold on a minute Merrmeade... I get what you are saying I really do but lets look at this one.

 

He has read her diary, he knows what they did, and I am betting that somewhere in there she says how much she loved the other man and how great he was in bed and how the sex was the best she has ever had in her life.

 

For sure she enjoyed sex acts with him that she has never ever done with him, and she loved it.

 

Do you think a man can get over something like that. Not very easily for sure.

 

Also, she hated traveling for work until she was able to have time away from her husband and kids and have great monkey sex with her OM. And of course he got to read all about it.

 

This is really a bad one and I think that Drone has handled it really well to this point. She was in love with her AP, yes she was stupid, but she surely entertained thoughts of running away with the jerk.

 

I am not sure how he is going to be able to get over this. And YES her tears are for herself not for him or his children. She is figuring out what a fool she was and how her life is going to change, she is not thinking of him and the pain that she caused. Remember that she was "Torn" between the two men until OM dropped her in the grease.

 

I think you ask to much of Drone to forgive this one...

 

 

 

Other BH have found out about there WW's affair, the wild monkey sex, all the things she did with the OM that she would never do for her BH, and if they recover the WW will still refuse to give what she did for the OM but never did for her BH.

 

 

Yet many of those BH chose recovery.

 

 

After D day nothing is a slam dunk.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I have been following this thread from the very beginning and my perception about Drone is that he is a very self assured man confident in himself, with abundant self esteem. He also comes across as very logical and sensible in his approach to the situations facing him and how he would like to address them. While he has taken a lot of the suggestions offered here on board as obviously he is not an experienced BH I do not think he is the type of man who would be swayed by suggestions offered here which his own common sense and value system would find untenable. The way I see it is that he will chart his own course irrespective of what the majority of posters here would like him to do. My own impression is that his wife's infidelity has made him feel emasculated especially since he had access to her personal diary where she spilled her heart out and left nothing to the imagination. I think his masculinity factor has taken a severe hit and that, if nothing else, will dictate his future course of actions. The thing is that he owes nothing to his wife once she decided to betray him in such a horrendous manner. While he may have sympathy for the situation she finds herself in, that is very different from wanting to reconcile with her.

 

I also think that Drone is a person who is very deliberate in the way he does things. I doubt he would act purely on emotions. He is a man who will weigh the pros and cons of every situation before committing himself to a particular course of action. In fact I think that the way he handles things from now on out will make his case a real text book case on how to handle the infidelity of one's spouse. To me the biggest difference between his case and that of Zinger is that Drone has approached his wife's case empathetically whereas Zinger was much more cut and dried (Read more emotionless). In any case all one can do now is to wait for him to come back here and let everyone know what he has finally decided to do.

[Drone117]

While I'm not able to respond to many posts at the moment (I do want to) : I keep coming here and read therm because they are all reasonable. I may agree or disagree, I may decide not to take some of them on board, I may not even like some. But they are all reasonable while I'm struggling with the unreasonable-ness of my reality. All that is happened is so damn unreasonable.

 

Now I have a question to ask. You keep mentioning Zinger, I assume that is a person in a similar situation, who's wife - as Jersey born Raised posted - decided to post her side off the story here.

 

 

Am I right and what's the relevance. Should I read it and where can I find it. Fyi I'm trying not to read other threads here as I start projecting these situations onto mine.

[road]

While I'm not able to respond to many posts at the moment (I do want to) : I keep coming here and read therm because they are all reasonable. I may agree or disagree, I may decide not to take some of them on board, I may not even like some. But they are all reasonable while I'm struggling with the unreasonable-ness of my reality. All that is happened is so damn unreasonable.

 

Now I have a question to ask. You keep mentioning Zinger, I assume that is a person in a similar situation, who's wife - as Jersey born Raised posted - decided to post her side off the story here.

 

 

Am I right and what's the relevance. Should I read it and where can I find it. Fyi I'm trying not to read other threads here as I start projecting these situations onto mine.

 

Someone have the time to post a link?

[merrmeade]

While I'm not able to respond to many posts at the moment (I do want to) : I keep coming here and read therm because they are all reasonable. I may agree or disagree, I may decide not to take some of them on board, I may not even like some. But they are all reasonable while I'm struggling with the unreasonable-ness of my reality. All that is happened is so damn unreasonable.

(will get to Zinger later) THIS ^^^. This is about as reasonable, clear and true to yourself as anyone could expect - unreasonable reality or otherwise. This is what a strong, humble man says. Just needed to hear you say it your way, Drone. Beautiful.

[Jersey born raised]

Often dealing with adultery posters will post about "cheater's script". Sadly it seems 90% of the time those engaging in adultery will think and say the same things while blame shifting, minimizing, TT, and gaslighteing. To a point it all seems like one great big pathetic cache. Even the variations seem to fall in types each with the same mind numbing perdictablity.

 

I actually do not know zinger's story. The case I spoke about played out over two boards. From the BH third post I knew what would happen in the end. Just minnor details and timing. I never posted on her thread just followed. At one point she began accepting blame but feit he would have divorced her regardless of what she did post Dday or when. She feit great regret, had love for her husband but limited remorse. (again remorse defined as feeling another's pain combined with knowledge you caused it). Truth she had at least a 40 percent chance on DDay. She missed her window and her husbands instincts took over. She was the exception for a week.

 

I sense that BH and you are very much alike.

[GorillaTheater]

Someone have the time to post a link?

 

 

I think this is it:

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/529576-bust-not-bust

[wifecheated]

First, let me just tell you -- Once you let the cat out of the bag you can't put it back in. A friend told me that and he said make sure you really really want to know. I wish I would have heard that. Because I kept snooping and I found it and it was devastating and it ruined my life and my marriage and my family. I could have divorced but I have great kids... I also would have been bankrupt -- but honestly, I lost my mind and ended up making huge mistakes that lost me all of my money. I am going to have to work until I am 70 years old and I never thought that this would happen to me. So make very sure.

 

Second, if it is going on in all likelihood she will tell you at some point because she can't live with it and she would be better off going to a therapist and working it out. You will never look at her the same. You will never love her and you will never get over it.

 

Third, there are tons of websites that give lists of how you can tell. For me, she started putting her phone face down. Never face up. She created email accounts that I was not aware of. I found one that she actually published and asked her about it and she told me "I thought I told you." She also started yelling at me and the kids. In 20 years of marriage she never yelled at any of us. Ever. So there are ways to tell.

 

My advice. Pretend that it might have happened but never be 100% sure in your mind. Move away. Get another job and force the issue. And lastly, go to therapy.... Get a good couples therapist and even say in therapy to her... "You may have cheated. I don't know and I don't want to know and if you have some guilt that get your own therapist and confess. I am here because I love you and I want a better marriage from today and going forward."

 

Also, best advice I did take -- if you go to therapy don't make it all about what she did... Take some responsibility... Like -- "I know I am moody and have not been a good husband. I know that you think I am distant and not emotionally connected... I accept that and I want to fix it and make it better...." Even if that is BS -- then the therapist has something to work on with you... And your wife can feel like you are serious about making changes... But get some HELP. And forget about if she did it... Better to wonder than to know... I swear... Hope this helps.

[WilyWill]

@wifecheated, none of this is relevant. He already knows everything that happened in the affair, down to a very detailed level. If you still have unresolved issues from your own ongoing reconciliation, you should think about starting a thread and getting some valuable input from the wise members here.

Edited January 19, 2017 by WilyWill

[aliveagain]

I remember zinger, he had no proof of infidelity, just his gut feelings. His wife was having an affair with a artist and she ended up buying him an expensive Swiss watch as a parting gift(or so she claimed). Once he knew she cheated it didn't take him long to start the process of divorce, something she didn't expect. I believe he moved from the UK to the United States, leaving her behind and divorced.

[BluesPower]

I wish I would have done that 15 years ago. He really handled that well.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, it's been over a year since Zinger signed off. He would haveoved to the States early last year. His parting shot was that he would not be alone for too long. I wonder how he has resettled himself. Sometimes a postscript would be a wonderful way to finally shut the door on something as terrible as infidelity on the part of the one person in whom one had implicit faith. I do hope he returns sometime to let the good folk here know how he is doing. After all people do get invested in a particular person's problems especially when he engages the population of the forum in asking for advice on how to proceed with matters. I certainly hope Drone would oblige us with a closing post at some point. Warm wishes to all.

[Drone117]

 

Can we back up a minute? I have had the question from the beginning - same with Zinger ever so many months ago - whether his wife had a chance in hell of embracing or communicating deep remorse because of how loud the natives were beating the divorce drums.

 

I mean I'm all for supporting separation ajujund independence for the right reasons and there are usually more of those than otherwise. So, Drone, can you say - not ask us - but tell us which interpretations of her actions are correct? Do you think the only reason she's freaking out is because the OM turned his back on her and tried to save his own skin? Do you think she WANTS to know what she's done wrong and how she's hurt you? Do you think her sorrow or hysteria or whatever she's displaying is worth looking at more closely for authenticity, commitment and humility?

.

 

I respect and value your posts; this one is no exception (I personally don't care about the popularity), however I'm not sure I understand it.

 

My answer to the quoted part is. If I had a concrete answer to your questions above (very valid ones I wouldn't be here. How do I ever know? Since that moment I posted about she is totally different and so far from her previous "sorry, my bad, let's divorce"'that st times I was worried about her health, but how do I ever know what would she look like if om was bombarding her with compassion and support?

 

Is it worth looking at it more closely? Perhaps, however for now the key word is "looking". I'm definitely not ready to act until I'm more certain this is genuine. And as I'm not certain if it is possible (tell me what sort of reassurance is possible in my situation) and as much as I hate saying this about myself - I'm not sure if I have a stomach to take her back, I prefer not to give a false hope.

 

I've tried my best to answer.

[Drone117]

FWIW, I think it's highly unlikely that she's reconnected with her AP. I think she hates his guts after all that's transpired. He backstabbed her in an attempt to save his own skin. She may not even see him as a man anymore.

 

Drone should continue his divorce action at his own pace, and we should understand his desire to go easy on the mother of his child. If he decides there is enough for reconciliation at some point, he can always stop the divorce. But for reconciliation she has one heck of a hill to climb, and she hasn't even gotten started.

 

According to what I know that's how she feels. She's been formally informed she won't be terminated so few co-worker were able to talk to her since the HR process is over. He blamed her by trying to depict her as an office wh..re basically (and yes, I'm going to meet him when I'm back from where I am now). So she's definitely not charmed by him anymore.

 

But then... What if he didn't?

[Drone117]

What I usually tell people in your place is to tell the "ex" WS that you will give them a year, living separately, to prove to you that they get it. A year of dedicating themselves to you, going to therapy, 100% transparency, absolutely no other men, basically living in penance for a year.

 

If she's truly remorseful, she will jump at that chance. And the most you'll be out is a year of waiting on the divorce.

 

More I think about it, more I like it.

[Drone117]

 

For sure she enjoyed sex acts with him that she has never ever done with him, and she loved it.

 

Do you think a man can get over something like that. Not very easily for sure.

 

 

Not lime that. More complicated and twisted than that, which makes it even more confusing. Don't think I should be posting details.

 

You are right about the rest. Now when she is on her knees (figuratively and literally) I'm having urges to offer a hope, a way forward to save the marriage, but...

 

I just visualize the situation that after all that "so sorry" period one day she just comes home from work (ok different work) and I'm expected just to greet her with a kiss as usual? Then web share our days at work? Like nothing happened? I just don't see myself there.

[Sweetfish]

While I'm not able to respond to many posts at the moment (I do want to) : I keep coming here and read therm because they are all reasonable. I may agree or disagree, I may decide not to take some of them on board, I may not even like some. But they are all reasonable while I'm struggling with the unreasonable-ness of my reality. All that is happened is so damn unreasonable.

 

Now I have a question to ask. You keep mentioning Zinger, I assume that is a person in a similar situation, who's wife - as Jersey born Raised posted - decided to post her side off the story here.

 

 

Am I right and what's the relevance. Should I read it and where can I find it. Fyi I'm trying not to read other threads here as I start projecting these situations onto mine.

 

 

Judging by your post from beginning till now.

You will never let this go. Your not one of those guys that this is a forgivable event. Its not like she cheated and rectified the cheating on her own will.

 

That is forgivable.. Maybe something like that you can sleep in the same bed as your wife and say... "that was really F'ed up what she did...but I respect the fact she had the balls to tell me and end it."

 

However, that did not happen. This was an ICBM missile on a direct course in the arms of another man. The course of this missile got scrubbed by external intervention.

 

You will never be 100% without the divorce and that's my opinion. I think the only reason you will endure that pain is for the children.

 

Reading the other threads are good.. but no point in reading them if its projecting multiple universes in your mind. You got one universe where you are divorcing her, another universe where your willing to stay if she wants to work it out. I suggest you just stick to your universe and your own belief system. Your simply still in shock and disbelief.

 

 

The only thing you should worry about is your children and well being.