minimariah Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 Is this normal? I keep hoping that I'll have more good days, but right now it's 50/50. it's normal. will you have more good days in the future...? depends on the amount of contact between you & the AP + your emotional attachment... well, detachment. you'll have to wait and see. one of the hardest things about getting over an A = you can't properly grieve and your grief doesn't have an audience. that's important; for your feelings to be validated, for you to acknowledge the fact that you DID feel something... and for OTHERS to acknowledge that, too. with an A - your grief (as well as your recovery) is always limited by the fact that you can't openly address & express those emotions. that's why getting over an A is a lot longer and slower process than getting over a regular love relationship... ALSO, a lot of WhatIfs going on... that feeling of unfinished business that's keeping you from FULLY deciding to move on. once you figure that out - you'll start getting to more good days and less blues. 4
Author FortyandForlorn Posted January 21, 2017 Author Posted January 21, 2017 This feels good to hear. We work together so it's LC. And we're not consistent. I would say it's been extremely limited for about a month now. My office is moving, which means he can't talk to me as easily, and I'm so happy because I know as long he's able to come by, I won't be able to discourage it. And it felt good telling him that - that he won't be able to randomly pop in. And Mariah, you're so right - it does feel unfinished and keeps me on edge. And also about the audience. It's great to have this site and people going through the same thing.
Author FortyandForlorn Posted January 21, 2017 Author Posted January 21, 2017 And also, being married, I have to push all these feelings aside and be present when I'm with my husband, which can be difficult at times.
Jersey born raised Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 Why can't you have this relationship with your husband? 1
Author FortyandForlorn Posted January 21, 2017 Author Posted January 21, 2017 Why can't you have this relationship with your husband? I do. It's just different. With my husband it's deeper and stable. And the OM isn't a replacement for my husband - he's different facets of what I connect with. 1
FoundMyStrength Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 ALSO, a lot of WhatIfs going on... that feeling of unfinished business that's keeping you from FULLY deciding to move on. once you figure that out - you'll start getting to more good days and less blues. One other thing that helped me a lot was to shift the focus of the what ifs. At first, it was all centered on, what if xMM and were supposed to be together, what if I'm losing the love of my life, all that. The more distance I got, the more the what ifs shifted to all of the terrible things that can come of an affair. Ruined reputation. Ruined career. Loss of respect from my mentors and supervisors. Lost friendships and acquaintanceships. So much to lose. Those are the other what ifs in any affair. I made those the ones I thought about. 2
Poppy47 Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 This feels good to hear. We work together so it's LC. And we're not consistent. I would say it's been extremely limited for about a month now. My office is moving, which means he can't talk to me as easily, and I'm so happy because I know as long he's able to come by, I won't be able to discourage it. And it felt good telling him that - that he won't be able to randomly pop in. And Mariah, you're so right - it does feel unfinished and keeps me on edge. And also about the audience. It's great to have this site and people going through the same thing. It will feel unfinished until it is finished inside your heart. Until then you will be on edge waiting for something to happen, which never will. It's just a waste of time but a process to go through. I am 10 months NC after a long A with MM. It is a lot easier now and I can honestly say, I will never go there again. I can see many things in a different light now. YOu will too if you hang in long enough. Poppy. 1
dogloverof2 Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 I am at around 1 year of NC, now. It has been a tough, tough ride. I have gone thru the what if's, maybe this will happen, maybe that will happen. Well, it hasn't...... You will get better with time. Mine was an EA. I will never go there again... 1
Poppy47 Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 I am at around 1 year of NC, now. It has been a tough, tough ride. I have gone thru the what if's, maybe this will happen, maybe that will happen. Well, it hasn't...... You will get better with time. Mine was an EA. I will never go there again... Congratulations dogloverof2. I am 10months NC tomorrow. It still isn't easy at times. There are so many things I would like to say to him and I will never get the opportunity. I know people write letters they never send, but I want to do it face to face. Yeah, I know. Never going to happen. Poppy. 2
Author FortyandForlorn Posted January 23, 2017 Author Posted January 23, 2017 Good girl/bad girl complex? Ha! If so, I'm bad girl with my husband. OM is more straight ahead and family based. No, it's a difference of interests: music, film, family background, etc.
DKT3 Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 Ha! If so, I'm bad girl with my husband. OM is more straight ahead and family based. No, it's a difference of interests: music, film, family background, etc. I don't get it....I know I'm branded A-hole In this section, but I honestly don't understand. If you have a deep connection with your husband then how is it possible to betray him in this manner. Now I understand how someone can get lost and become infatuated with someone, but getting to this level knowing that it's counter productive toward someone who you claim to have a deeper connection with. My thinking is if you have such a deep connection, but are unwilling or unable to commit than at some point wouldn't you want what's best for the other person which is impossible to be you, if you're not all in.
Author FortyandForlorn Posted January 23, 2017 Author Posted January 23, 2017 I don't get it....I know I'm branded A-hole In this section, but I honestly don't understand. If you have a deep connection with your husband then how is it possible to betray him in this manner. Now I understand how someone can get lost and become infatuated with someone, but getting to this level knowing that it's counter productive toward someone who you claim to have a deeper connection with. My thinking is if you have such a deep connection, but are unwilling or unable to commit than at some point wouldn't you want what's best for the other person which is impossible to be you, if you're not all in. Well I am working on moving forward (not sure if you read the entire thread - there are two posts merged into one, for some reason). My relationship with my husband is getting better, but we obviously have a long way to go. So the connection with OM is slipping away.
freengreen Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 I am at around 1 year of NC, now. It has been a tough, tough ride. I have gone thru the what if's, maybe this will happen, maybe that will happen. Well, it hasn't...... You will get better with time. Mine was an EA. I will never go there again... sooo +1^.... 2months NC thou. I am in what if but the fact that he couldnt care less is raising my attitute as well. I should thank him for that.
freengreen Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 So sometimes I feel great about NC/LC and I'm happy and moving forward. But then sometimes, like today, I feel really sad. Sad about how the whole EA happened and, being honest here, sad about it not working out. Am I alone in this? Is this normal? I keep hoping that I'll have more good days, but right now it's 50/50. I am exactly where you are. Same spot. I beleive in what all these people say, we will get there. Just dont give in. I am 2 months NC. 1
BoaConstrictor Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 I do. It's just different. With my husband it's deeper and stable. And the OM isn't a replacement for my husband - he's different facets of what I connect with. This is exactly what it has been for me. In fact, I really relate to your whole story, since I had an intense but short emotional affair as well, only in my case it was with a man I've never even met. But what makes it hardest to let go of is that he brought out things in me that my husband doesn't and he fills a hole (not that one--get your mind out of the gutter ) that my husband hasn't been. I'm actively exploring why and how to solve this issue, but it's real. Pretending my husband is all things to me isn't going to help. And ultimately I'm attacking it from all angles. It might be that my husband won't fill that void in me, but I'm finding healthier ways to do it than communicating with a man who threatens the foundation of my marriage. 1
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