Too sad to function [UPDATED: Ebbs and Flows]

[FortyandForlorn]

Can you give an example of what you wanted in him meeting you half way? What would that look like for you?

 

Well I had him take a five languages of love quiz. My main language is acts of service, his intimate touch. I suggested that we do more for each other according to these, and he said that he felt everything was fine so he didn't need to. And that's how he sees things. If he's ok, then there's no problem. Hence his hesitation to see a marriage counselor.

[whatatangledweb]

I wanted my first husband to go to MC because all we did was fight. He wouldn't go. He said I had a problem not him. I divorced him two years later and my problem went away LOL. You can't make someone go and you can't make them change. You can either accept him the way he is or divorce him. Don't just do nothing and be miserable.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Hi! I read only your initial post but want to encourage you to get IC to explore what's going on within you. I'm not qualified to make any diagnosis, but one thing that came to mind is that the issues you are currently dealing with regarding your husband need to be dealt with head on. IC can give you strategies for that. To me it seems that rather than tackling those issues head on you are mightily tempted to run into the arms of another man...classic conflict avoidance! Of course, that may feel good for a hot minute, but the conflict will still remain. The conflict will never go away until you deal with it. An affair is only going to bring MASSIVE PAIN to you, and many other people's lives. It is not a solution at all! Please explore all this in IC. Take it as an opportunity to grow as a person and strengthen your marriage. Do it now before the temptation to have the affair grows. You are in a place where you can turn this around for the better right now. You can make something amazing out of this. Don't become another statistic! Dealing with the issues, with help from a good counselor, will make you feel a billion times better than any affair ever could in the long run. Best wishes!

 

P.S. At a group counseling last weekend I met a lady who was trying to reconcile her marriage and end her affair. She said she'd been unhappy with her husband for years, but our counselor (we see the same one) had helped her husband understand things and do things he's never done in there 15 years marriage. In my one on one conversation with her I asked why she chose her husband over her affair partner. She responded she wanted to get to know this new side of her husband.

Edited November 20, 2016 by HadMeOverABarrel

[HadMeOverABarrel]

P.S. At a group counseling last weekend I met a lady who was trying to reconcile her marriage and end her affair. She said she'd been unhappy with her husband for years, but our counselor (we see the same one) had helped her husband understand things and do things he's never done in their 15 years marriage. In my one-on-one conversation with her I asked why she chose her husband over her affair partner. She responded she wanted to get to know this new side of her husband.

[BluesPower]

Forty, have you had the talk???

 

Have you cleared the decks, let the kids stay some where else, put that cell phones away, turned off the TV and had the hard talk that you have to have?

 

Hon, if you have not, or are too scared to, you are just spinning your wheels.

 

If you still love him, you have to try and it may cause a fight or whatever but YOU have to make him understand.

 

A lot of time, men for some reason get complacent, it is all over these boards. I for one do not understand it or how it happens, because I am totally the opposite way to a fault, but it happens.

 

You are going to have to try and wake him up. Or you need to divorce, because you cannot be happy the way things are now.

 

Your kids will see how unhappy you are over time and they will wonder why.

 

I don't understand how men get this way but so many do and then they are blindsided when the wife has an affair and wants a divorce. Sometimes this happens because the wife was simply too scared of having the difficult conversations.

 

Also, Please understand that most men are just stupid with emotional needs and even physical needs in general.

 

You cannot be nebulas with you words or overly emotional, because most men do not get it. You have to be as blunt as a sledge hammer, almost to the point of actually being rude. It is like you have to hit some men in the head with a shovel to help them understand.

 

For example, something like, "I don't give a S*** if you think everything is OK or not, because for me IT IS NOT. If you don't pull your head out of your A** I am going to start sleeping around with men that will take the time to please me in bed. Do you understand that numb nuts?".

 

You just have to lay it out there and let the chips fall where they may.

[Maddieandtae]

I don't know. if you need to threaten you will sleep around to get a partner to listen than I figure that relationship is done.

[BluesPower]

I wish it was not that way...

 

But some men really have to be hit over the head to wake up. I think her husband is in that camp.

 

I guess this can happen with women too, I am just not that familiar with that side.

 

I have seen men behave this way so many times, and I tell them that they are making a mistake, and in the end they realize it.

 

Like I said, I don't understand it. Frankly, I find it fairly easy to keep a woman happy, not only sexually, but they just need a certain amount of attention. And why would you not want to give that to them?

 

If for one actually like women in general, I think they can be interesting and have such and interesting perspective on things. I actually like listening to them talk, and I know a lot of men hate that, I have no idea why.

 

When you give a woman the proper amount of love, attention, affection and whatever else they need, they tend to be very happy loveable creatures. It seems really simple to me, but I am probably over simplifying it to some extent, it has however always worked for me.

[FortyandForlorn]

Forty, have you had the talk???

 

Have you cleared the decks, let the kids stay some where else, put that cell phones away, turned off the TV and had the hard talk that you have to have?

 

Hon, if you have not, or are too scared to, you are just spinning your wheels.

 

If you still love him, you have to try and it may cause a fight or whatever but YOU have to make him understand.

 

A lot of time, men for some reason get complacent, it is all over these boards. I for one do not understand it or how it happens, because I am totally the opposite way to a fault, but it happens.

 

You are going to have to try and wake him up. Or you need to divorce, because you cannot be happy the way things are now.

 

Your kids will see how unhappy you are over time and they will wonder why.

 

I don't understand how men get this way but so many do and then they are blindsided when the wife has an affair and wants a divorce. Sometimes this happens because the wife was simply too scared of having the difficult conversations.

 

Also, Please understand that most men are just stupid with emotional needs and even physical needs in general.

 

You cannot be nebulas with you words or overly emotional, because most men do not get it. You have to be as blunt as a sledge hammer, almost to the point of actually being rude. It is like you have to hit some men in the head with a shovel to help them understand.

 

For example, something like, "I don't give a S*** if you think everything is OK or not, because for me IT IS NOT. If you don't pull your head out of your A** I am going to start sleeping around with men that will take the time to please me in bed. Do you understand that numb nuts?".

 

You just have to lay it out there and let the chips fall where they may.

 

About once a year, I get frustrated about something, I blow up and we talk. It's totally my fault that I don't express my frustrations in the moment. I second guess myself a lot and I refuse to nag him on things - I nag my 7 year old. I'm not going to nag a grown man. I know I need to speak up more, and even though I'm starting to do it now, I need to do it a lot more.

[Jersey born raised]

If his primary language is touch use it to encourage him to meet your need for acts of service. For example when you fight hug him hard and don't let go.

 

Also the work place is a natrual place for someone who meets your acts of services professional but translates poorly to personal relationships. Focus on the marriage using advise here on your thread, especially IC that is pro-marriage. Give yourself a year than file. Do so openly. Most guys need a 2x4 to the head at times. Do not allow a third person into your marriage! It will only cloud the issues in the marriage and haunt you, him, and your children in ways far worse than a divorce!

 

Read MidnightBlue and He Can't Break Me threads!

[Jersey born raised]

To be clear use hugs instead of ignoring issues "in the moments" instead of a once a year blow-out.

[FortyandForlorn]

So over the Thanksgiving break, my husband and I had a lot of time together to talk...and other stuff. I told him my frustrations and he said he would help out more. And I'm starting to see it. And I made a decision to put both feet in our marriage and really giving 100%. And I feel really good about it.

 

But then I get back to work, after not being there for just 7 days, and I see the coworker. I'm hoping he would ignore me (we're in the cafeteria) but he stops, asks me where I've been, then he starts emailing me. I'm civil about it, keep it short, but mad that I have to fight to not think about him. I haven't talked/emailed since Tuesday, but I've been rattled since, and I hate it!!!

[Jersey born raised]

Hi,

 

Are you hugging him when he preforms acts of service? Was it the sixties, seventies a book was published titled "how to train your husband"? The author lifted it from "how to train your puppy with postive re-enforcement". I laughed my butt of - at myself because it fit so well.

 

Co-worker minimize contact keep it short and drop hints at how well things are at home, even if they are not. If he offers advise, consider it quickly and say I don't think so but I will keep it in mind. Do not laugh at his jokes, or give him a big smile and hello. Do any of these things he will assume you are interested in him.

[Jersey born raised]

Bye the way blue is right about the 2x4. Look he has a twenty year marriage, a solid marriage, a health kid, a solid career. Why the hell should he change, what are you meshuga? Stay the course is his motto right now.

 

Unless something blows up his world.

 

Keep training the puppy, they grow up quick in the right environment.

[FortyandForlorn]

Hi,

 

Are you hugging him when he preforms acts of service? Was it the sixties, seventies a book was published titled "how to train your husband"? The author lifted it from "how to train your puppy with postive re-enforcement". I laughed my butt of - at myself because it fit so well.

 

Co-worker minimize contact keep it short and drop hints at how well things are at home, even if they are not. If he offers advise, consider it quickly and say I don't think so but I will keep it in mind. Do not laugh at his jokes, or give him a big smile and hello. Do any of these things he will assume you are interested in him.

 

I've never stopped the hugging or intimate touches. Sometimes my heart isn't in it, but I've now gotten better at making it genuine.

 

Yeah, I'm starting to get the 2x4 analogy. It's not what I expected in a marriage, but being straightforward and a bit bossy is working.

 

I'll try to take your advice with the coworker. I want the limited contact to be consistent - and right now it's such a battle.

[Jersey born raised]

Guys can be very very subtler and nuanced in ways woman do not pick up on but between nature and environment 2x4 are required at times.

 

I don't need to know a damn thing about electricity not to put a folk into an electrical socket. I don't need to know a damn thing about heat transference not to touch a hot stove top. Want to know how ? Big hint: not because my mother didn't warn me about electrical sockets or my grandmother warned me not to touch the stove,

[Jersey born raised]

Bye the way their are ways to beat heat transference, but electricity is really fast. Care to guess how I know? Hint scientific method.

[FortyandForlorn]

Short recap: I had an EA with a coworker (we're both married) - hardcore for about 6 months. He's been distancing himself and I'm trying to do the same.

 

So now I'm focused on moving on, I'm finding it hard to actually do so. We don't work directly together, so it is easy to maneuver around him. The issue now is that he doesn't completely let go. If I completely ignore him, NC versus LC, it draws him closer. And LC is too hard for me, I realize. I want to come off as being friendly, but distant, and he, I think, wants to think we have a legitimate friendship, which we don't.

 

I guess I'm hoping it will fizzle into nothing over time, because I don't want to have to explain to him not to contact me - I did that before and that lasted about 4 days.

 

What are some things that can help me through this? I guess I'm looking for distraction ideas. I'm not going to quit because I love this job too much. I do tell him that he needs to find another job, though, because he hates it there.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Short recap: I had an EA with a coworker (we're both married) - hardcore for about 6 months. He's been distancing himself and I'm trying to do the same.

 

So now I'm focused on moving on, I'm finding it hard to actually do so. We don't work directly together, so it is easy to maneuver around him. The issue now is that he doesn't completely let go. If I completely ignore him, NC versus LC, it draws him closer. And LC is too hard for me, I realize. I want to come off as being friendly, but distant, and he, I think, wants to think we have a legitimate friendship, which we don't.

 

I guess I'm hoping it will fizzle into nothing over time, because I don't want to have to explain to him not to contact me - I did that before and that lasted about 4 days.

 

What are some things that can help me through this? I guess I'm looking for distraction ideas. I'm not going to quit because I love this job too much. I do tell him that he needs to find another job, though, because he hates it there.

 

Men have no problem ignoring us and being mean. I guarantee you if he wife knew he could give a rat's butt about your feelings. If he contacts you tell him he is obviously more into you than you are into him and he needs to move on, that he is being pathetic. Cruel to be kind. Trust me, he will leave you alone.

[FoundMyStrength]

What are some things that can help me through this? I guess I'm looking for distraction ideas. I'm not going to quit because I love this job too much. I do tell him that he needs to find another job, though, because he hates it there.

 

This is probably different for everyone, but the thing that has helped me most is reconnecting with hobbies and interests that had fallen by the wayside over the years. A sport I'd given up, pottery classes, some weekly meditation classes. Also family/friends. Things that distract me, but also have replaced him in a meaningful way, and have helped to rebuild my self-esteem, confidence and balance/peace/sense of calm.

[FortyandForlorn]

Men have no problem ignoring us and being mean. I guarantee you if he wife knew he could give a rat's butt about your feelings. If he contacts you tell him he is obviously more into you than you are into him and he needs to move on, that he is being pathetic. Cruel to be kind. Trust me, he will leave you alone.

 

Reading this, I see that I'm not powerless in this, which is how I was feeling.

[FortyandForlorn]

This is probably different for everyone, but the thing that has helped me most is reconnecting with hobbies and interests that had fallen by the wayside over the years. A sport I'd given up, pottery classes, some weekly meditation classes. Also family/friends. Things that distract me, but also have replaced him in a meaningful way, and have helped to rebuild my self-esteem, confidence and balance/peace/sense of calm.

 

I definitely need a hobby.

[drypuddle]

Connect again with friends. Connect with YOURSELF. Practice self care. Cuddle up with a warm blanket out of the dryer.

[Southern Sun]

Sometimes guys do the "friend" thing to make themselves feel better about an ending...as well to make them look like a good guy. Is that what he's doing?

 

If possible, I would go cold, hard NC. Nothing. If you can. LC will always feel like a game.

[FoundMyStrength]

Sometimes guys do the "friend" thing to make themselves feel better about an ending...as well to make them look like a good guy. Is that what he's doing?

 

If possible, I would go cold, hard NC. Nothing. If you can. LC will always feel like a game.

 

Agreed. And I think "friends", even if it stays platonic and non-sexual, becomes another form of cake-eating. I truly think my xMM wanted to stay friends so that he would have a bonus source of emotional intimacy. A person to message when his W wasn't available, or if she wasn't giving him the amount or type of support he was hoping for. Just another form of usury.

[FortyandForlorn]

So sometimes I feel great about NC/LC and I'm happy and moving forward. But then sometimes, like today, I feel really sad. Sad about how the whole EA happened and, being honest here, sad about it not working out. Am I alone in this? Is this normal? I keep hoping that I'll have more good days, but right now it's 50/50.