Too sad to function [UPDATED: Ebbs and Flows]

[FortyandForlorn]

Every other day is a lot! We are lucky if it's 2x per month! Of course it was 4x per week with xmm. Husband doesn't have a high sex drive. For the past 10 years neither did i, until I had an affair.

 

It may as well be once or twice a month - most of the time I'm not getting anything out of it.

[MidnightBlue1980]

It may as well be once or twice a month - most of the time I'm not getting anything out of it.

 

I was like this till I hit 40 and a 40 year old woman is like a 18 year old boy. We are like men in reverse.

[BluesPower]

OK, I will give you a trade secret, sense I am out of the business.

 

You can spot a woman that is not getting proper or enough sex and home because she does not glow.

 

When a woman it being taken care of emotionally and sexually by her husband she has a glow about her that you can see. As a practical matter, women that are being properly taken care of are less nervous and more content.

 

So there you go, and any man with half a brain can spot it from across the street.

[BluesPower]

Yeah that is not going to work. You are going to have to really talk with him about your needs.

 

You guys are going to have to read some books and really talk about this.

 

First of all does he not make you cum orally? If so, why in the world not. I sense that you are afraid to talk to him about this stuff. Really talk.

 

Check into sex therapy or something.

 

Let me give you an example. When I am with a woman, I mean my wife because I have reformed, I generally shoot for 5 really good orgasms in like an hour or an hour and a half. Of course it depends how much time I have.

 

I generally try go get her off 2 or usually 3 time with a combination of oral and fingers and what not.

 

I don't ever go PIV until they have cum at least 2 times, because they are not ready in my opinion. If she just demands it I will but I like to wait.

 

So when we get there it is just how much does she want to cum and how much energy do we have.

 

So yeah baseline of 5 and I try to get to 7 or 8 but I don't always make that number. It is also hard to count after about 7 because you are usually going at it hot and heavy.

 

So don't be afraid to talk to H about your needs. Do some research and learn new things and help him learn new things. Men are trainable...

[MidnightBlue1980]

Yeah that is not going to work. You are going to have to really talk with him about your needs.

 

You guys are going to have to read some books and really talk about this.

 

First of all does he not make you cum orally? If so, why in the world not. I sense that you are afraid to talk to him about this stuff. Really talk.

 

Check into sex therapy or something.

 

Let me give you an example. When I am with a woman, I mean my wife because I have reformed, I generally shoot for 5 really good orgasms in like an hour or an hour and a half. Of course it depends how much time I have.

 

I generally try go get her off 2 or usually 3 time with a combination of oral and fingers and what not.

 

I don't ever go PIV until they have cum at least 2 times, because they are not ready in my opinion. If she just demands it I will but I like to wait.

 

So when we get there it is just how much does she want to cum and how much energy do we have.

 

So yeah baseline of 5 and I try to get to 7 or 8 but I don't always make that number. It is also hard to count after about 7 because you are usually going at it hot and heavy.

 

So don't be afraid to talk to H about your needs. Do some research and learn new things and help him learn new things. Men are trainable...

 

While I applaud your determination, I can't really believe a woman can come that many times, unless you are there hours and hours and its super exciting, I feel like woman are pretending with the 5-6 times thing. I have male friends who tell me this too and I don't want to make them feel bad but most women I know do not orgasm at all, I consider myself lucky in that I am able to finish once, twice in a blue moon (it takes a lot of energy) it seems humanly impossible to come 6 times.

 

An hour and a half? Who has that kind of time? I guess its me but if you are doing it daily, I'm thinking 10 minutes.

[MidnightBlue1980]

It may as well be once or twice a month - most of the time I'm not getting anything out of it.

 

How old is your husband? Mine just turned 40 and has no problem. But xmm is turning 48 and cannot get hard or keep it up, what a disappointment. He said it started when he turned 40. There are a number of things you must do to keep your man in shape sexually. Or else suffer the consequences.

[FortyandForlorn]

While I applaud your determination, I can't really believe a woman can come that many times, unless you are there hours and hours and its super exciting, I feel like woman are pretending with the 5-6 times thing. I have male friends who tell me this too and I don't want to make them feel bad but most women I know do not orgasm at all, I consider myself lucky in that I am able to finish once, twice in a blue moon (it takes a lot of energy) it seems humanly impossible to come 6 times.

 

An hour and a half? Who has that kind of time? I guess its me but if you are doing it daily, I'm thinking 10 minutes.

 

I agree. Once or twice is realistic - for a real orgasm. And in my experience, most men aren't that great at oral, bless their hearts. My husband is in the "most men" category. Which is fine. I can live without oral.

[FortyandForlorn]

How old is your husband? Mine just turned 40 and has no problem. But xmm is turning 48 and cannot get hard or keep it up, what a disappointment. He said it started when he turned 40. There are a number of things you must do to keep your man in shape sexually. Or else suffer the consequences.

 

He's 45. He's had some prostate issues last year which caused erection issues. He's now fine, but it's definitely not the same. But that could be because I'm changing, too. And he's healthy, in shape and exercises regularly.

[Grey Cloud]

I have just read through this whole thread and I'm nodding my head in agreement at everything that has been said.

 

I am 42 and my affair started at 40, finished at 41.

 

Blues - I reckon my xMM spotted me from a mile off. I didn't see it coming at all and like Midnight's xMM he was absolutely nothing to look at but provided me with the attention I needed (without realising I even needed it!). I think my glow actually came back in the initial months of the affair. I bumped into a friend who hadn't seen me for a while and she said to me "you look fantastic, you are positively glowing!". Looking back now I'm pretty sure my xMM was testing the waters with me (if I had turned him down it would have been someone else). And he found me ripe for the picking. Ugh.

 

Midnight - that list nailed it for me. Especially being obsessed with my skin, feeling restless, changing the way you dress, craving male attention etc. And wanting sex and feeling sexually charged all the time when before I could take it or leave it. Is it some type of hormonal change? I look back at photos from 5 years ago and I look older than I do now due to wearing frumpy mama clothes and an unflattering hair style.

 

However the affair achieved NOTHING. It probably just made me more restless and more unhappy. Just need to channel that opportunity for growth from within but still struggling to do that?

 

Forty - there is a hot, younger guy at work that started a few months ago. We get along really well but having had an A I know it just takes you down this awful slippery slope. I could easily let myself be caught up with fantasising about this guy but in all reality I know nothing about him (apart from the fact he is married with two small kids) and midnight is right what if the attention makes him feel uncomfortable and he reports it to HR? It's just not the answer. I'm also worried that because of my affair I am still seeking that external validation from others when I know validation has to come from within.

[FortyandForlorn]

So how do I shake the feeling that what I'm going through is somewhat common? I'm sure you guys felt the same way at some point - that this somehow different, more real. But it's not. There's definitely a large case FOMO going on.

[Midlifecrisis1]

How old is your husband? Mine just turned 40 and has no problem. But xmm is turning 48 and cannot get hard or keep it up, what a disappointment. He said it started when he turned 40. There are a number of things you must do to keep your man in shape sexually. Or else suffer the consequences.

 

My husband is 49 and gets hard as a rock, but just doesn't want it that often. He has kind of always been like this although it was more frequent 15 years ago, but never more than 1x per day even at his peak.

[Midlifecrisis1]

Yeah that is not going to work. You are going to have to really talk with him about your needs.

 

You guys are going to have to read some books and really talk about this.

 

First of all does he not make you cum orally? If so, why in the world not. I sense that you are afraid to talk to him about this stuff. Really talk.

 

Check into sex therapy or something.

 

Let me give you an example. When I am with a woman, I mean my wife because I have reformed, I generally shoot for 5 really good orgasms in like an hour or an hour and a half. Of course it depends how much time I have.

 

I generally try go get her off 2 or usually 3 time with a combination of oral and fingers and what not.

 

I don't ever go PIV until they have cum at least 2 times, because they are not ready in my opinion. If she just demands it I will but I like to wait.

 

So when we get there it is just how much does she want to cum and how much energy do we have.

 

So yeah baseline of 5 and I try to get to 7 or 8 but I don't always make that number. It is also hard to count after about 7 because you are usually going at it hot and heavy.

 

So don't be afraid to talk to H about your needs. Do some research and learn new things and help him learn new things. Men are trainable...

 

Ever seen when Harry met Sally?

[Grey Cloud]

So how do I shake the feeling that what I'm going through is somewhat common? I'm sure you guys felt the same way at some point - that this somehow different, more real. But it's not. There's definitely a large case FOMO going on.

 

No idea. I wish I knew the answer. I wish I could feel more content. But I feel bored, restless.

[MidnightBlue1980]

My husband is 49 and gets hard as a rock, but just doesn't want it that often. He has kind of always been like this although it was more frequent 15 years ago, but never more than 1x per day even at his peak.

 

Lol. So is mine but never take it for granted. It's like Santa. One year it's there and you assume he always will be, the next he's just a fantasy and you are left with a big puffy blow up man on your lawn.

 

Come on, no man on this earth turns down a blow job.

[MidnightBlue1980]

So how do I shake the feeling that what I'm going through is somewhat common? I'm sure you guys felt the same way at some point - that this somehow different, more real. But it's not. There's definitely a large case FOMO going on.

 

Ah....it is common for some of us. Many of us women won't relate. They tend to self medicate with bread, cake and large amounts of carbs. But some of us can relate. I did not know what this is. BTW, I just cried for 2 hours tonight over VEVO videos. Yes. They reminded me of my past, xmm, whatever. I was crying and my H saw me. He smiled and shut the door. It's like PMS times 1000. No one can understand.

 

We long for our lost youth. It IS real. I am not sure what FOMO is. So what can you do? A lot.

 

Listen, while I was crying videos and sad songs connected with POS xmm, I was so upset over him. But is it really him? Or is it what he represents? My lost youth? Newness? Change?

 

I don't know any place where woman talk about this. But it is real.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I agree. Once or twice is realistic - for a real orgasm. And in my experience, most men aren't that great at oral, bless their hearts. My husband is in the "most men" category. Which is fine. I can live without oral.

 

This is my experience too. Most women fake it.

[Grey Cloud]

Ah....it is common for some of us. Many of us women won't relate. They tend to self medicate with bread, cake and large amounts of carbs. But some of us can relate. I did not know what this is. BTW, I just cried for 2 hours tonight over VEVO videos. Yes. They reminded me of my past, xmm, whatever. I was crying and my H saw me. He smiled and shut the door. It's like PMS times 1000. No one can understand.

 

We long for our lost youth. It IS real. I am not sure what FOMO is. So what can you do? A lot.

 

Listen, while I was crying videos and sad songs connected with POS xmm, I was so upset over him. But is it really him? Or is it what he represents? My lost youth? Newness? Change?

 

I don't know any place where woman talk about this. But it is real.

 

FOMO = fear of missing out.

 

I am the same. It's not really my xMM I am upset over. It's more feeling like my life is Groundhog Day and I am craving something different but don't know what that is at the same time? It's a strange feeling. A bit of disconnect? The feeling that life is passing me by and I ain't getting any younger?

[FortyandForlorn]

Ah....it is common for some of us. Many of us women won't relate. They tend to self medicate with bread, cake and large amounts of carbs. But some of us can relate. I did not know what this is. BTW, I just cried for 2 hours tonight over VEVO videos. Yes. They reminded me of my past, xmm, whatever. I was crying and my H saw me. He smiled and shut the door. It's like PMS times 1000. No one can understand.

 

We long for our lost youth. It IS real. I am not sure what FOMO is. So what can you do? A lot.

 

Listen, while I was crying videos and sad songs connected with POS xmm, I was so upset over him. But is it really him? Or is it what he represents? My lost youth? Newness? Change?

 

I don't know any place where woman talk about this. But it is real.

 

Yeah what makes me so broken up by all of this is losing the connection we had. We talked about so much, and connected on things that my husband and I never had in common. and now it's gone. And I've never been able to give up friends easily. If I'm you're friend, I'm there for you forever. And I know, me and the guy aren't real friends, but it feels real.

[FortyandForlorn]

FOMO = fear of missing out.

 

I am the same. It's not really my xMM I am upset over. It's more feeling like my life is Groundhog Day and I am craving something different but don't know what that is at the same time? It's a strange feeling. A bit of disconnect? The feeling that life is passing me by and I ain't getting any younger?

 

Sigh, so I now see this is quite the process. And it's going to take time. And when you feel like this - the disconnect - how do you then devote all your energy to your spouse? I'm so emotionally exhausted all the time.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Yeah what makes me so broken up by all of this is losing the connection we had. We talked about so much, and connected on things that my husband and I never had in common. and now it's gone. And I've never been able to give up friends easily. If I'm you're friend, I'm there for you forever. And I know, me and the guy aren't real friends, but it feels real.

 

I do understand. I don't feel like that with xmm but I do feel like that with guy friends, so I get it. Maybe you can make some new female friends? I am trying to do that.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Yeah what makes me so broken up by all of this is losing the connection we had. We talked about so much, and connected on things that my husband and I never had in common. and now it's gone. And I've never been able to give up friends easily. If I'm you're friend, I'm there for you forever. And I know, me and the guy aren't real friends, but it feels real.

 

Here is the thing and trust me on this - a guy who is really your friend? He is not going to be trying to sleep with you. Obviously yes, if you dangle it, they will bite, but they won't want to and they won't lie to you and say "I love you" and all that crap. They really won't. That is what a friend is - they don't use a woman in a time of distress.

 

So this guy? Not really a friend.

[MidnightBlue1980]

FOMO = fear of missing out.

 

I am the same. It's not really my xMM I am upset over. It's more feeling like my life is Groundhog Day and I am craving something different but don't know what that is at the same time? It's a strange feeling. A bit of disconnect? The feeling that life is passing me by and I ain't getting any younger?

 

You are right. Life is passing by and you are not getting any younger. But there are so many things you can do. What do you want to do with your one wild and precious life? Are you doing it? Is it some man? I doubt it. It is about you. This is your life.

 

The Summer Day

 

Mary Oliver

 

Who made the world?

Who made the swan, and the black bear?

Who made the grasshopper?

This grasshopper, I mean-

the one who has flung herself out of the grass,

the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,

who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-

who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.

Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.

Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.

I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.

I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down

into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,

how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,

which is what I have been doing all day.

Tell me, what else should I have done?

Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?

Tell me, what is it you plan to do

with your one wild and precious life?

[BluesPower]

Yeah it happens all the time.

 

But we do make an effort to find the time. But our kids are older and almost always out of the house. So it is not that hard to find the time.

 

Now I don't always make 7 but 5 all the time. And the older my wife gets, she seems to get better at having O's. I am not sure what that is about but I like it.

[BluesPower]

If your husband is not good at giving oral TEACH him. It is really not that hard to explain. Maybe he just needs some more encouragement.

 

And please with the fake orgasms, I have been around long enough to know the difference.

[anika99]

Oh to be forty again! My very late 30s and early 40s were the best years of my life. I was fit, healthy, energetic, confidant and attractive. I had been a beautiful young woman but I lacked self esteem, confidence, strength of character and I was meek as a mouse. Once I hit forty it's like I had connected all the dots and for the first time I really knew myself. The physical, mental and spiritual parts of myself all got in harmony and men found this very sexy.

 

Thankfully I didn't do anything crazy or change drastically on the outside. I did end a long term relationship that I had been miserable in for many years and I have never regretted that. All I can say OP is that you should enjoy this time of your life but always check yourself and make sure your choices are benefitting you, not sabatoging you. For example you say that you have empathy and want to make the world a better place, so how are you achieving that? Obviously spending your time obsessing about this other guy has nothing to do with your desire to make the world a better place, nor does resenting your husband because he doesn't feel as you do.

 

Relish and treasure your forties but make good decisions because this wonderful time of life doesn't last forever and you don't want to look back on this with regret. I'm in my early fifties now and that's a whole different ballgame. Menopause is not fun. I often wake up feeling like who the hell am I and where did the woman I used to be go? It's another big change that isn't nearly as much fun.

 

Talk to your husband about your marriage and sex. If you are having sex approx 15 times a month and only getting satisfied once out of all those times then that is unacceptable. Do you know exactly what you like and have you clearly communicated those likes to your husband. Most men feel like a stud when they satisfy their woman and will happily do what it takes to make it happen so long as they know what that is. It's not fair to resent your husband for not satisfying you if you haven't told him exactly what you want or taken the lead to show him. If you are faking orgasms then stop that right now. When you fake an orgasm you are giving your husband false information. You are communicating to him that what he is doing is awesome when it's not really working at all. It's like lying to him and then resenting him for believing you. I'm sure we've all faked an orgasm or two at some point in life for various reasons but if you are doing it on a regular basis then you are short changing yourself.

 

As an aside, every guy I've ever met believes with 100% certainty that they can tell a fake orgasm from a real one...lol. I once dated a two minute man who thought I should be able to orgasm within a couple of minutes of piv sex, no foreplay and no oral. He suggested that there was something wrong with me because he NEVER had a problem getting other women off. When I suggested that at least some of those women faked it he indignantly informed me that at his age he would know if a woman was faking or not...lmao.

 

Sorry guys but it doesn't matter how experienced you are. If a woman wants to fake an orgasm then she will and it will be convincing. Unless she is just a horrible faker there is absolutely no way for a man to know.