Too sad to function [UPDATED: Ebbs and Flows]

November 18, 2016

Ladies you may not realize this but you all are doing better than you think. When a male interjected an slight off topic of his bedroom abilities you all stayed on topic! No offence meant Blue, but when woman are dealing with sexual dissatisfaction when having been in an affair and hear about what another man says he does sexually it is just one reason some of us woman got into an affair. Off course it's only a slight reason wrapped up in many layers of bad choices but can be as tempting as that apple eve couldn't resist!

November 18, 2016

Oh to be forty again! My very late 30s and early 40s were the best years of my life. I was fit, healthy, energetic, confidant and attractive. I had been a beautiful young woman but I lacked self esteem, confidence, strength of character and I was meek as a mouse. Once I hit forty it's like I had connected all the dots and for the first time I really knew myself. The physical, mental and spiritual parts of myself all got in harmony and men found this very sexy.

Thankfully I didn't do anything crazy or change drastically on the outside. I did end a long term relationship that I had been miserable in for many years and I have never regretted that. All I can say OP is that you should enjoy this time of your life but always check yourself and make sure your choices are benefitting you, not sabatoging you.

Talk to your husband about your marriage and sex. If you are having sex approx 15 times a month and only getting satisfied once out of all those times then that is unacceptable. Do you know exactly what you like and have you clearly communicated those likes to your husband. Most men feel like a stud when they satisfy their woman and will happily do what it takes to make it happen so long as they know what that is. It's not fair to resent your husband for not satisfying you if you haven't told him exactly what you want or taken the lead to show him. If you are faking orgasms then stop that right now. When you fake an orgasm you are giving your husband false information. You are communicating to him that what he is doing is awesome when it's not really working at all. It's like lying to him and then resenting him for believing you. I'm sure we've all faked an orgasm or two at some point in life for various reasons but if you are doing it on a regular basis then you are short changing yourself.

My husband is fully aware of my dissatisfaction. We do talk about it and I don't fake orgasms. Most of the time he either doesn't want to put in the work or he doesn't have the stamina.

But I feel like going into the weeds about our sex life is a different conversation. Correct me if I'm wrong.

November 18, 2016

You may not want to get into it here, but you need to get into it with your husband.

I believe that every may should want to please his woman to the best of his ability.

What kind of a love relationship can you have if he does not please you in bed. I think it is worth the hard talks that need to happen to get to a better sex life. If you can't get that out of your marriage, then why not have an affair?

anika99 - My narrative was hopefully to demonstrate what is possible when the proper amount of attention is given to sex. I think when possible woman have a responsibility to tell their partner what works for them and show/teach them if they have to.

And their partners should have the responsibility to learn and take care of the other partner's sexual needs. It is a 2 way street.

Maybe if some women spent less time faking orgasms (not talking to OP) and more time teaching their men what pleases them everyone would have a more fulfilling sex life.

November 18, 2016

Havent read all posts, but until two of you wrote that you think of other People while...i say: Get a divorce now or cure whatever is missing, no woman or man should Be with someone thinking about someone Else, so sad, there clearly is a mismatch or no love anymore if ever, and its Sooo sad and a waste of time A Lacking Empathy to continue the acting sessions, really puts me in a bad mood to read, and if its about newness as written earlier, Them go find a man who also needs newness after a while so there is a match and nobody gets hurt:cool:

November 18, 2016

My husband is fully aware of my dissatisfaction. We do talk about it and I don't fake orgasms. Most of the time he either doesn't want to put in the work or he doesn't have the stamina.

But I feel like going into the weeds about our sex life is a different conversation. Correct me if I'm wrong.

sorry if I went off topic but sex seems to be the driving force her. It's fueling your attraction to the OM and fueling your lack of attraction to your husband. I get that your husband knows that you are dissatisfied but does he know what you need him to do to make it better? If you have had explicit conversations with him where you clearly laid out what sexually pleases you and he still hasn't tried then I apologize for misunderstanding.

November 18, 2016

I'm late to the conversation, but I just want to say...having an affair (emotional or physical) can be the direct cause of ALL of your feelings.

Questioning who you are, if anyone really understands you, enjoyment of your sex life, whether your marriage is really okay, all that stuff...it truly can be the EFFECT of the affair and not the CAUSE.

The growing distaste you have for your husband is completely understandable in your situation. You are seriously infatuated with this other guy!! I am telling you, when you feel like that, NOTHING your husband does will be right. You will judge it all, everything will be met with contempt, you will wonder how you ever thought you two were a good match.

Sure, having a little "midlife crisis" may have made you a bit ripe for this EA situation (if it actually came first, as it seems you feel), but I guarantee that actually going there is what really made it blossom.

Let me suggest that you not make any major life decisions in your current state of mind. The only thing I DO suggest is that you stay away from the OM. Go NC with him physically and in your heart as well. If you need to get another job, do it. You will not be able to look at your life or your husband without the affair filter until you do. And you actually need to get a lot of TIME under your belt also. It takes A WHILE to correct your vision.

When I was in my affair, and for some time afterwards, I thought my H was a disaster. Sex was a mess. There was NO conversation or counseling that could have helped us. Me talking to him or telling him that we needed to "work on things" wouldn't have mattered. My heart and mind were elsewhere. I didn't know who I was anymore or what I wanted with my life. I considered every possible option. But I was CERTAIN that I married the absolute wrong person for me. Confident of it. I would have left my marriage for my MM...at a certain point. And it would have been the worst mistake of my life.

I wasn't having a midlife crisis. But I sure as hell created one.

November 18, 2016

I'm late to the conversation, but I just want to say...having an affair (emotional or physical) can be the direct cause of ALL of your feelings.

Questioning who you are, if anyone really understands you, enjoyment of your sex life, whether your marriage is really okay, all that stuff...it truly can be the EFFECT of the affair and not the CAUSE.

The growing distaste you have for your husband is completely understandable in your situation. You are seriously infatuated with this other guy!! I am telling you, when you feel like that, NOTHING your husband does will be right. You will judge it all, everything will be met with contempt, you will wonder how you ever thought you two were a good match.

Sure, having a little "midlife crisis" may have made you a bit ripe for this EA situation (if it actually came first, as it seems you feel), but I guarantee that actually going there is what really made it blossom.

Let me suggest that you not make any major life decisions in your current state of mind. The only thing I DO suggest is that you stay away from the OM. Go NC with him physically and in your heart as well. If you need to get another job, do it. You will not be able to look at your life or your husband without the affair filter until you do. And you actually need to get a lot of TIME under your belt also. It takes A WHILE to correct your vision.

When I was in my affair, and for some time afterwards, I thought my H was a disaster. Sex was a mess. There was NO conversation or counseling that could have helped us. Me talking to him or telling him that we needed to "work on things" wouldn't have mattered. My heart and mind were elsewhere. I didn't know who I was anymore or what I wanted with my life. I considered every possible option. But I was CERTAIN that I married the absolute wrong person for me. Confident of it. I would have left my marriage for my MM...at a certain point. And it would have been the worst mistake of my life.

I wasn't having a midlife crisis. But I sure as hell created one.

Wow, you've come a long way. If you don't mind me saying, when you first come here you were a mess, I didn't think you had any shot at truly getting it. I recall you feeling me as hostile now this sounds like something I would have posted.

Hope you don't mind me saying this but I'm proud of you....TJ over, sorry.

November 18, 2016

My husband is fully aware of my dissatisfaction. We do talk about it and I don't fake orgasms. Most of the time he either doesn't want to put in the work or he doesn't have the stamina.

But I feel like going into the weeds about our sex life is a different conversation. Correct me if I'm wrong.

A, it's your thread. You can talk about whatever you want. If people are responding, obviously you hit a nerve and popular issue. And B, your problems with your sex life are a big part of the problem.

When you are having good sex, it's 10% of the relationship. When you are having no or bad sex, it's 90%.

November 18, 2016

A, it's your thread. You can talk about whatever you want. If people are responding, obviously you hit a nerve and popular issue. And B, your problems with your sex life are a big part of the problem.

When you are having good sex, it's 10% of the relationship. When you are having no or bad sex, it's 90%.

I see that. It's twofold: the sex and the fact he's not as involved in raising our son as I hoped he would be. And these are things that I've tried to talk to him about, but now it's really a problem for me and I'm beyond frustrated. And because of being in a fog, it's harder to talk to him about these things without sounding like I'm blaming him for giving attention to this other guy. That's all on me. This week we'll be spending a lot of time together so I feel the. What I can do is convince him again to go to counseling with me. If he doesn't want to go, I don't know how to save this marriage.

November 18, 2016

I see that. It's twofold: the sex and the fact he's not as involved in raising our son as I hoped he would be. And these are things that I've tried to talk to him about, but now it's really a problem for me and I'm beyond frustrated. And because of being in a fog, it's harder to talk to him about these things without sounding like I'm blaming him for giving attention to this other guy. That's all on me. This week we'll be spending a lot of time together so I feel the. What I can do is convince him again to go to counseling with me. If he doesn't want to go, I don't know how to save this marriage.

Does he know you had an affair?

November 18, 2016

I see that. It's twofold: the sex and the fact he's not as involved in raising our son as I hoped he would be. And these are things that I've tried to talk to him about, but now it's really a problem for me and I'm beyond frustrated. And because of being in a fog, it's harder to talk to him about these things without sounding like I'm blaming him for giving attention to this other guy. That's all on me. This week we'll be spending a lot of time together so I feel the. What I can do is convince him again to go to counseling with me. If he doesn't want to go, I don't know how to save this marriage.

Sorry, I reread your first post. You never actually had an affair. It's the beautiful man at work.

You need to tell him straight out that you are on the road to having an affair. Because you are, trust me.

November 19, 2016

You know what midnight said is correct.

You may not want to lead with that but you have to have the hard talk about the marriage and the lack of decent sex. The lack of involvement in your child's life and upbringing. You may want to mention general selfishness as well.

If you really try to talk about this stuff with him and he still will not go or get invested in the marriage, then you could say something like," Ok here is the deal. I am not happy in this marriage or with our sex life so I think I will start sleeping with other men since you refuse to meet my needs. Because I cannot go on this way."

Or there are many options but the point is if he will not understand the need for MC, then at some point you may have to end the marriage if you are to be happy.

November 19, 2016

Or there are many options but the point is if he will not understand the need for MC, then at some point you may have to end the marriage if you are to be happy.

I need to add though, forcing a man to go to MC rarely works. You know my story, how xmm boasted to me that he lied his way through MC in 2016 to his wife. Now his reward is another whole year of MC to talk about how he lied in MC.

If both are onboard that is different. Personally we did not go but we did talk A LOT in 2016. Many many hours. It's communication which is the key.

November 19, 2016

I need to add though, forcing a man to go to MC rarely works. You know my story, how xmm boasted to me that he lied his way through MC in 2016 to his wife. Now his reward is another whole year of MC to talk about how he lied in MC.

If both are onboard that is different. Personally we did not go but we did talk A LOT in 2016. Many many hours. It's communication which is the key.

This is all very good advice. Right now, I'm doing most of the talking and he's not adding to the conversation. I personally feel like a need another person in the room to help us communicate better - especially when I'm in this fog. I don't know what's real or just in my head. And if he lies in MC, that would show itself in his actions.

November 19, 2016

Sorry, I reread your first post. You never actually had an affair. It's the beautiful man at work.

But it feels like we had an affair because of what we would talk about and how close we were getting. And I agree, if I stay on the path, I will get caught up in a physical affair.

November 19, 2016

But it feels like we had an affair because of what we would talk about and how close we were getting. And I agree, if I stay on the path, I will get caught up in a physical affair.

You are right. I just meant nothing physical happened. It's a warning and a wake up call. Even if you decide you want to end your marriage, anything is better than the hell of an affair. Trust me.

November 19, 2016

It sounds like you had an emotional affair 40 which is just as hard to work through when it's ended. I can't remember if you've said but individual counselling could really be beneficial for you at this point. Counselling saved my life, my affair had me down spiralling fast and hard. For myself I don't believe my affair was about the sex, it was what I thought he was giving me emotionally that I craved and that was a drug to me. I thought someone finally wanted to listen to me and talk with me and love me exclusively. Lol that affair fog had me all twisted up in lala land. Counselling slowly brought me back to reality and helped me with a lot of issues. Lots of layers to work through. Worth it for my sanity though. I think you need that 40, someone to hear you and who will help without an agenda for their own needs.

November 19, 2016

Yeah it happens all the time.

But we do make an effort to find the time. But our kids are older and almost always out of the house. So it is not that hard to find the time.

Now I don't always make 7 but 5 all the time. And the older my wife gets, she seems to get better at having O's. I am not sure what that is about but I like it.

Something happened to me at 40 sexually, everything is so much better and I am so much more into it and horny than I was when I was younger. I think just from an evolutionary standpoint your body shuts down when it's in mom mode because you're nurturing your kids and adding more might not benefit the ones you have....then they grow up and don't need you as much and your body is like "we only got a few more years to reproduce again!!!! Let's go get it!!! Pronto!"

I just wish I had he body I had in my 20's with the sex drive I have now!

November 19, 2016

It sounds like you had an emotional affair 40 which is just as hard to work through when it's ended. I can't remember if you've said but individual counselling could really be beneficial for you at this point. Counselling saved my life, my affair had me down spiralling fast and hard. For myself I don't believe my affair was about the sex, it was what I thought he was giving me emotionally that I craved and that was a drug to me. I thought someone finally wanted to listen to me and talk with me and love me exclusively. Lol that affair fog had me all twisted up in lala land. Counselling slowly brought me back to reality and helped me with a lot of issues. Lots of layers to work through. Worth it for my sanity though. I think you need that 40, someone to hear you and who will help without an agenda for their own needs.

I went to therapy for a bit. She gave me some things to do to focus back on my marriage but my husband wasn't willing to meet me halfway, so I feel like I'm back to square one. After thanksgiving I need to find another therapist.

November 19, 2016

I went to therapy for a bit. She gave me some things to do to focus back on my marriage but my husband wasn't willing to meet me halfway, so I feel like I'm back to square one. After thanksgiving I need to find another therapist.

Or another husband. ..if he won't meet you halfway

November 19, 2016

I see that. It's twofold: the sex and the fact he's not as involved in raising our son as I hoped he would be. And these are things that I've tried to talk to him about, but now it's really a problem for me and I'm beyond frustrated. And because of being in a fog, it's harder to talk to him about these things without sounding like I'm blaming him for giving attention to this other guy. That's all on me. This week we'll be spending a lot of time together so I feel the. What I can do is convince him again to go to counseling with me. If he doesn't want to go, I don't know how to save this marriage.

I just want to add here that what you are saying do not seem to be "marriage-ending" problems!

Sex issues and "not as involved in raising our son as I hoped he would be." I mean, those are not major problems. I am not in your head or home so I don't know if you are soft-balling when you say those things here. But you also say over and over that you know you're in a "fog" and you're not sure if you are interpreting things correctly. I worried about the exact same things while in my affair and immediately afterwards! I was afraid to make decisions about my marriage or even worried to make judgments about it because I KNEW deep down I wasn't thinking straight due to my feelings about the OM. I just sense that is what you are feeling. If I'm wrong, ignore me.

Sure, if your husband is truly a selfish lover, then please talk to him about it and tell him this is a major problem for you. You really want things to change. And if they don't, you are considering doing something about it. But you need to think about the real decision you would be making. Divorce is no small thing. Do you think it would be better without your husband? Do you think there is a better man waiting for you out there? Someone (who is not your son's father), who would be MORE involved in raising your kid?

EVERY person comes as a whole package. If they have THESE positive qualities over here...well, they also come with these negative qualities over there. Think about your own positives and negatives. We all have them. You don't get to only choose the good stuff about a person.

I'm just concerned that you might be blowing your problems out of proportion BECAUSE of the affair filter...as I mentioned. I am NOT saying you shouldn't address real issues. Please do. But be careful to tell yourself the truth.

Just think about it.

November 19, 2016

Keep looking 40 for a new therapist, your therapist needs to be a good fit. Maybe at this point you need someone just for yourself and who will be able to help you work out where your future is within your marriage?

November 20, 2016

Can you give an example of what you wanted in him meeting you half way? What would that look like for you?

Well I had him take a five languages of love quiz. My main language is acts of service, his intimate touch. I suggested that we do more for each other according to these, and he said that he felt everything was fine so he didn't need to. And that's how he sees things. If he's ok, then there's no problem. Hence his hesitation to see a marriage counselor.

November 20, 2016

I wanted my first husband to go to MC because all we did was fight. He wouldn't go. He said I had a problem not him. I divorced him two years later and my problem went away LOL. You can't make someone go and you can't make them change. You can either accept him the way he is or divorce him. Don't just do nothing and be miserable.

November 20, 2016

Hi! I read only your initial post but want to encourage you to get IC to explore what's going on within you. I'm not qualified to make any diagnosis, but one thing that came to mind is that the issues you are currently dealing with regarding your husband need to be dealt with head on. IC can give you strategies for that. To me it seems that rather than tackling those issues head on you are mightily tempted to run into the arms of another man...classic conflict avoidance! Of course, that may feel good for a hot minute, but the conflict will still remain. The conflict will never go away until you deal with it. An affair is only going to bring MASSIVE PAIN to you, and many other people's lives. It is not a solution at all! Please explore all this in IC. Take it as an opportunity to grow as a person and strengthen your marriage. Do it now before the temptation to have the affair grows. You are in a place where you can turn this around for the better right now. You can make something amazing out of this. Don't become another statistic! Dealing with the issues, with help from a good counselor, will make you feel a billion times better than any affair ever could in the long run. Best wishes!

P.S. At a group counseling last weekend I met a lady who was trying to reconcile her marriage and end her affair. She said she'd been unhappy with her husband for years, but our counselor (we see the same one) had helped her husband understand things and do things he's never done in there 15 years marriage. In my one on one conversation with her I asked why she chose her husband over her affair partner. She responded she wanted to get to know this new side of her husband.

Edited November 20, 2016 by HadMeOverABarrel

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