You believe in devotion or boundaries?

[Gaeta]

So you're saying that you don't know what it's like to be in a healthy relationship? Or you don't know how to be in a healthy relationship? What you're describing is a dictatorship and certainly not healthy in any way.

 

I was reading your post early this morning having my coffee when my bf got up and came to me. I said:

 

Me: honey am l a type of dictator, or maybe controling or manipulative?

 

Him: nope, if you were l would not be with you. Certain things we see differently and it's normal in a relationship but you are far from being controlling.

 

Hope that settles the question on here for anyone thinking l am some type of tyran.

[ElizabethIII]

I was reading your post early this morning having my coffee when my bf got up and came to me. I said:

 

Me: honey am l a type of dictator, or maybe controling or manipulative?

 

Him: nope, if you were l would not be with you. Certain things we see differently and it's normal in a relationship but you are far from being controlling.

 

Hope that settles the question on here for anyone thinking l am some type of tyran.

 

Ok. I read these boards for a good 2-3 months before I joined. There are always threads about your bf some of which went on for 20 pages.

 

i only thought about joining and posting about guys as I am.just dating different guys now.

 

with a bf you shouldnt need to run everything past a committee like this.

 

it is just weird. it is between you and him. constant third party involvement to anlayze what goes on and then you say people are wrong after checking with your bf.

 

why dont you back away from the Internet and conduct a relationship without all this constant analyzing?

[Gaeta]

Guys, it's not because I am not used of being told no that I make his life a living hell. He said no to going to the park, I said ok and it was the end of it. I didn't huff and puff about it. A lot of this I experience internally and verbalize it on here to better understand the dynamic developing between him and I. I know better than to nag a boyfriend because he doesn't want to come to the dog park EVEN if I am annoy.

[Gaeta]

Ok. I read these boards for a good 2-3 months before I joined. There are always threads about your bf some of which went on for 20 pages.

 

i only thought about joining and posting about guys as I am.just dating different guys now.

 

with a bf you shouldnt need to run everything past a committee like this.

 

it is just weird. it is between you and him. constant third party involvement to anlayze what goes on and then you say people are wrong after checking with your bf.

 

why dont you back away from the Internet and conduct a relationship without all this constant analyzing?

 

You are right.

 

It may come with the fact I have not been in a relationship in 10 years. I just need to verbalize what I am experiencing inside, those are my inner battles more than anything else. My bf is attentive and loving and the amount of happiness he gives me doesn't compete in any way with those little bumps in the road. Mix this with since I turned 50 I don't recognize myself and will break in tears just watching a Chrysler ad....results are threads like these.

[Larryville]

After the facts I realize it's childish on my part. During the weekend there was an activity at a park near by. Friday when we were making plans for the weekend I said I'd like to go there, not for long, maybe an hour. He said: Honey you can go there without me.

 

It bothered me from there and I brought it back the following day. I asked why he can't say yes to something so little, and he said why I have to fight him on those little things.

 

Then Saturday he devoted his day to take care of things for me. He picked up and set up my new tv, helped me do all my errands, winterized my bbq and back yard. He does a lot of things for me but when he says no to something I get all offended. He calls it having an allergic reaction. Sometimes I ask him if we can go somewhere and he'll say: If I say no will you have an allergic reaction?

 

How often does he say 'no' to going out with you?

 

If it's a once in a blue moon thing, this is REALLY not the hill you want to die on. People are entitled to occasionally not feel like going out - I mean, if he genuinely didn't feel like it, would you really have wanted him to suck it up and go and be miserable, just so you didn't have to go alone? IMO that sort of expectation isn't healthy - it breeds resentment and it starts to feel like a chore (if I don't go she'll get upset, so I have to go even if I don't feel like it) instead of something fun to do together. On the other hand, if he was consistently saying no, then yeah, there's a bigger issue that needs to be addressed.

 

Ironically I used to have the exact opposite issue with my SO. I'd say I wanted to go somewhere, he'd say 'sure!', we'd go... and most of the time we'd have a good time, but occasionally he seemed to have a bummer of a time. When I asked him why, it turns out that he didn't actually want to go to that particular event/place and didn't want to tell me no, so he went anyway. My response was, "Why??? I'd much rather go alone than drag you along and have you be miserable, and if you don't tell me when you don't want to go, then I won't know when you actually do want to go!". So he's gotten better at communicating and saying no when he doesn't want to, which has made things much better and easier. I really can't understand not wanting your partner to tell you when they don't want to do something.

 

 

Els comment made me think of something obviously also relating to G’s commentary.

I kinda process a lot like G in many ways but I guess reading thru this thread I remember fondly in the early years with wife (although we were not married together first 5, married for 4) On paper we were so vastly different and everyone who saw us together (she was 12 years older) saw such a vast difference as well, but intellectually we bonded big time.

 

On the thing about wanting to do activities, like G’s park thing she would suggest doing something what would be totally foreign to me before we met.

 

I took those enthusiastic suggestions as another bonding opportunity. Not once did she suggest doing something and I thought to myself “I don’t feel like doing that” or “I don’t want to go there”

 

I'm thinking (reading this) was I weird?

 

She introduced me to live theater (even got me to help engineer a production later on) Broadway shows, wine tastings, she was an attorney and had this women’s attorney’s conference she was the chair of, invited me to come when we first started dating and it turned into a yearly work/vacation venture.

 

Els asked how often G’s guy said no to her? I never said no, about anything but I looked at each invitation with her as a cool thing.

 

Again was that weird or not normal?

 

Early in our relationship, I was going to a college football game, I asked if she wanted to go (she said she did not follow football at the time) she went but instead of being just a spectator she asked questions about the game I talked her thru it.

She even took at an interest in the video football game I played often, she wanted to learn how to play it, I used that activity to help he learn the little details of football.

 

Eventually she could identify player alignments, formations and all sorts of stuff. Bottom line she wanted to learn about football because she fundamentally wanted to get closer to me mentally and emotionally.

 

We all need or crave different things in a relationship. Not one single person I have dated since divorcing has come remotely close to that dynamic with me. Reading this thread reminded be of that connection.

 

The point of all of this is how absolutely freaking hard it is for some of us to find that magical coin in the dating muck.

Sorry had to vent a little…

[Gaeta]

 

The point of all of this is how absolutely freaking hard it is for some of us to find that magical coin in the dating muck.

Sorry had to vent a little…

 

And it's harder as we get older.

 

He gave me a call during lunch. He said he got thinking of that question I asked him first thing in the morning if I was controlling and he inquired if he had done something wrong and if he did he wanted to apologize.

 

So I think I did enough introspection :-) Enough over analyzing

[Larryville]

And it's harder as we get older.

 

Yes, mind boggling how hard it truly is.

 

your guy gets you and you can't ask for more than that, cool:laugh:

[Shining One]

At the risk of hijacking Gaeta's post, I think you've got a good question, so I will answer too.

 

A complaint vs positive communication is simply a difference in wording. The difference being that the positive communication uses assertive wording and the complaint uses negative wording.

 

For example, I could come to you with "you never spend enough time with me" and it would be a complaint. But I could also come to you with "I would really like to spend more time together" and it's a communication of need.

 

Assertive communication is something which frequently needs to be taught/learned/modelled.

While I agree with all of this, it somewhat misses my point. I'm referring specifically about the women not communicating their preference on how the time is spent. Specifically, I'm looking for her to say: "Rather than spend four hours doing X task for me, I want you to spend four hours at Y event with me." Instead, I spent four hours doing X task and then she communicates "We didn't spend enough time together".

[joseb]

I think a lot of these so called "devoted" guys are just your regular "nice guys" who inside hate having to go to all these things they have zero interest in, but are people pleasers so don't know that they can say no. It reminds me of those "happy wife, happy life" signs. It's all very unhealthy.

I hear it all the time from married friends - doing stuff they hate, going to places they don't want to, having no time to do anything they want.

 

I think Gaeta your bf saying no sometimes is a healthy thing. TBH, from the dynamics of the relationship it sounds a little one sided (with you having the power) so the fact that he does occasionally assert himself is good.

 

The park is a good example, It's your thing, and it's good sometimes to spend time apart. Feeling obliged to always be at someones beck and call is exhausting.