Breadcrumb Dilemma leading to NC - Any Advice? UPDATE: Internal struggle to ignore ex

[MeadowFlower]

I agree, and this is definitely what I've preached to others. But, there is one thing that I have been thinking about lately... and maybe this is just me second guessing myself... but how often do you really think a dumper will just reach out directly with the "I want you back" stuff? I mean like straight to the point about reconciliation. Part of me wonders if all reconciliations have to start somewhere, and maybe the small talk is where it is. I flat out told mine I was not interested in chitchat, and I wonder if that destroys any opportunity of the slow, gradual building of interest that might be possible. She's not the type to lay it all on the line and be like "I want you back I love you and miss you please forgive me!!!!", with her I almost feel like it would have be a real gradual, careful treading. But I could be wrong.

 

It feels really weird inside to be wanting my ex to contact me about a non-logistical thing for so many months, and then when she finally does... I tell her to stop. It just feels super wrong. Even ignoring I think would have been better than what I did. I said it professionally and maturely, yes, but in the end the same message is conveyed - it's just "go away" in a nice way, with an ultimatum on top for extra sweetness. I just don't see it being a good move. Maybe it's too fresh for me, and that combined with the fear that I've cast her away forever... sucks.

 

All the both of us can hope is that they think about stuff more and then if they really want to reconcile, no games, then they will contact us. I'm a person that believes hope is important and I'm an optimist.. but the chances here seem rather bleak. Especially knowing my ex. I just fear I took a piss on any potential reconciliation potential for the future with that move

If I can say something from the back seat, although you have said "go away" in your message to her, have you not also said I want you back ie reconciliation.. Didn't you say to her basically, not to contact you unless it's about reconciliation? Anyway, a thought.

[Bromeo]

Fix your needy, clingy. It's unnattractive

 

He's done way better than some of us, including me. It's better to journal out his insecurities and neediness here than display it to her.

 

These times have a way of self correcting, if only never to experience the same hurt over again. I was certainly purged of any outwardly weak actions. Lol

[jamili]

If I can say something from the back seat, although you have said "go away" in your message to her, have you not also said I want you back ie reconciliation.. Didn't you say to her basically, not to contact you unless it's about reconciliation? Anyway, a thought.

 

Well basically I said if there isn't any meaning behind her texts, then don't send any, because I'm not interested in chitchat. I didn't actually discuss reconciliation, say I wanted her back, or talk about contacting me for reconciliation purposes. I did reminder her that that it was her demand to stay NC in the first place, and the fact that she was regularly breaking it was confusing to me.

 

Obviously, you all know I still want to reconcile, etc. but she likely has no idea from her perspective. I've maintained hard NC for 5 months and the only time I've ever really responded to her was initially after the breakup (where I told her to stop texting me), and now (where I again told her to stop texting me). She might think I hate her and would never take her back for all I know.

 

I like to think she inferred from my text that if it's about reconciliation, she can contact me... but I have no idea how she'll read it because it was kind of vague. Yes I asked her to come clean or go away, and yes it's in a "professional" tone.. but it also reads sincere and it might seem defensive. It certainly doesn't follow the typical guidelines for coaxing your ex back using casual indifference, LC, nonchalant attitude, and unclear feelings. It certainly could have "pushed her away" even further.

 

I probably should have just ignored it and and not broken NC for this. Maybe that would have had a better chance of her maintaining her interest and maybe stepping up her game. Whereas now she might think its a lost cause, because here we are 5 months later and I'm still walled up and harnessing unhappy feelings towards her not even wanting to chat...

 

I have to remember that it was her demand that we no longer communicate after the breakup. The fact that I have had to enforce this "rule" twice already is kind of ridiculous. This is why I just wanted her to spit it out, or stop. But, since she didn't response, I guess either 1. there was nothing to spit out because the breadcrumbs were just meaningless crap, or 2. got scared off by my uncooperative response. In my eyes, I'm just asserting boundaries with an ex in a mature, civil way. But who knows what she thinks.

 

It's better to journal out his insecurities and neediness here than display it to her.

 

Exactly. This is part of the reason why I created this thread lol. I am of course struggling with getting over her and thus being "needy" but I'd much rather vent all that and discuss it with people in similar situations, than show her any of it, that's for sure. Luckily I've maintained NC for most of this time, and controlled my emotions throughout most of the breakup in general. I don't believe I've displayed much neediness to her... if anything I worry that I've been pulling away and pushing away much lately, to the point where I feel like I could become the opposite of needy in her eyes and go a little overboard. No idea.

[MeadowFlower]

How about you just give me her number, I'll call her and ask her what is going on..lol. But joking aside, we can't know for certain what she thinks of your message. There is more than one way of looking at it, as you have explained. But looking at the hopeful side, maybe she could read that you are open to communication that has meaning. Do keep us updated. ?

[Sweetfish]

I don't believe I've displayed much neediness to her... if anything I worry that I've been pulling away and pushing away much lately.

 

That fact that you CLEARLY know these are bread crumbs and that you responded to them are acts of neediness.

[Bromeo]

That fact that you CLEARLY know these are bread crumbs and that you responded to them are acts of neediness.

 

Like the rest of us, he's doing the best he can. He did way better than I did. If everyone took the hardline stance against responding, no one would reconcile, and people would miss out on potential opportunities.

 

It's the content and expectation of the response, and not the act itself, that conveys neediness.

[Sweetfish]

Like the rest of us, he's doing the best he can. He did way better than I did. If everyone took the hardline stance against responding, no one would reconcile, and people would miss out on potential opportunities.

 

It's the content and expectation of the response, and not the act itself, that conveys neediness.

 

I believe the initial begging and crying in the breakup actually works in your favor.. It clearly shows the other person the depth that you love/lust them..but it needs to end on the very next day of the breakup.

 

Particular women will shut down any emotions they have for you weather you are a dumper or dumpee. (call it a defense mechanism)

 

Once you do a CLEAN cut of the relationship the lack of attention on your part will peak their interest and that is when breadcrumbs start to come in.. They are like "selfies" usually the motive is to elicit a response or attention.

 

They can be simply just to see if you are mad with them.

To check if you have another girl as they are curious of the replacement.

To see if your still in her orbit.

 

Many times it has NOTHING to do with getting back.

 

So any response to a breadcrumb is adding leverage to closure. Women and men are DIFFERENT. Some see relationships as chapters and will close the chapter and move on to another chapter. Sometimes they are in a new chapter and will leave bookmarks and come back just to reminisce and send you breadcrumbs with no intention to get back with you. Maybe to see if you found some one better or worse.

 

Sometimes its truly a reconcile and YOU WILL KNOW when its an attempt to reconcile... it will either come in a LONG winded msg or needing to talk. This is the only time you should respond and only after 5-6 months.

 

 

Getting your ex back is potential opportunity to whom? If you think getting with your exe is a potential opportunity, the reconcile will fail. That means you still have her on a pedestal. She is either your equal or you are better... that is the rule...if she dumped you... consider it her lost.

 

Just because another poster did better than another poster does not mean he is still right. The OP knew accepting the breadcrumb would not work.. I personally told him that and look no results. No nothing.

[Blanco]

How long are your realistically prepared to wait? I don't know your age but I can say from experience that in your teens or twenties, wasting more than 6 months mourning a relationship that lasted a year or less is ultimately a waste of perfectly prime time.

 

By all means heal, but also consider that before you know it, you'll have been split up as long as you were together.

[MeadowFlower]

I know there are theories that one 'should' follow after a breakup, and there is probably truth to some of them, but ultimately doesn't it just get down to: They either truly want you, or they don't.

[Sweetfish]

I know there are theories that one 'should' follow after a breakup, and there is probably truth to some of them, but ultimately doesn't it just get down to: They either truly want you, or they don't.

 

This is a half truth... sometimes they can't find better

[jamili]

When i sent the response it was because there was a part of me that wondered if there was something behind the communication and i wanted her to come clean with it. Basically to spit it out. Which is pretty much what i said in the message. I definitely didn't do it to give her or mw closure, i did it to find out why 5 months later i was still getting seemingly meaningless bits of contact from her when she was animant about staying NC when we parted ways.

 

The other part of my message tells her to stop sending the crumbs if nothing will come of them. Sure, i could have just blocked her... but i suppose i wanted to convey that id be down for serious discussion, just not BS games. I realize that it is only hurting my chances that she knows that i would reconcile with her, as opposed to if she thinks i would never reconcile with her...it sucks.

 

In my mind i wanted to stand up to her and call off the games, but i dont know how she feels. I assume Sweetfish is right that she was just looking for closure and she got it since i responded, so now she will move on forever and i will never hear from her again. It makes me wonder if i would have just ignored if she would have eventually cracked and came back, and if i botched that opportunity. Maybe so.

 

While responding to her at all might be perceived as needy or clingy by her... i cant really see how my response itself was clingy. Respectfully asking her to cease the chitchat texts is hardly needy in itself, in my mind at least. I see it as being a mature adult, and facing a problem and dealing with it directly, rather than avoiding or hiding from it.

Edited March 13, 2017 by jamili

[jamili]

How long are your realistically prepared to wait? I don't know your age but I can say from experience that in your teens or twenties, wasting more than 6 months mourning a relationship that lasted a year or less is ultimately a waste of perfectly prime time.

 

By all means heal, but also consider that before you know it, you'll have been split up as long as you were together.

 

That's one of the things that hit me. We are going to be split for longer than were together in no time. It really has been a good chunk of time. I wouldn't say im still in the mouring stage any longer, I'm moving on, its just now that things are clearer and time has passed, and since ive dated around a little since, it has just become more and more apparent how much i really cared for her. I still miss her and the relationship, and it especially bums me out that we broke up, not for a legitimate reason, but rather because of a simple mistake of fact, a misunderstanding that truly should have been a 15 minute argument at worst.

 

Im not waiting around for her, im just trying to leave the door open and not burn the bridge. Its why i asked her to cut to the chase and come clean about the recent contact, and then politely asked her to stop if there was no meaning behind it. Its because I am done waiting around. I wanted to give her an option - speak now or move on, because im not waiting around. Its what i wanted to communicate.

 

And i know your thoughts on blocking people as we have had our discussions in another thread... but you know my stance on that and that i wish to leave open a channel for potential reconciliation sometime down the line. I dont want to block her completely and eliminate the chances. She doesnt know where i moved to, we dont really have any direct mutual friends, we both dont use social media, etc... so besides calling me from a payphone she wouldnt be able to contact me... and I know her and there's no way in hell she would use the payphone idea.

 

So basically im moving on and im not waiting around for her, im just not going to shut and lock that door completely... at least not yet. It doesnt matter though because i feel the chances of her coming back at this point are slim. Ive been improving myself greatly, but she wont ever find out, because I'm a complete mystery to her now and now that ive quashed the small talk channel, she really won't get a chance to.

[Blanco]

I understand your mentality, since I've been there before. So consider that when I tell you that most people who "move on but leave the door open" usually aren't really moving on.

 

Again, I don't recall how old you are, but for relationships that crap out at a year or less when the people involved are in their twenties, it's usually best assume that the relationship is dead and has no real long-term future.

[jamili]

I understand your mentality, since I've been there before. So consider that when I tell you that most people who "move on but leave the door open" usually aren't really moving on.

 

Again, I don't recall how old you are, but for relationships that crap out at a year or less when the people involved are in their twenties, it's usually best assume that the relationship is dead and has no real long-term future.

 

I feel you man. And she is in her early 30s, but I doubt that makes much of a difference in this case. Whether or not the relationship is dead or has any long-term future is entirely up to her at this point. And I know what you mean... I have been trying to move on, but still haven't completely moved on. I think this last interaction was kind of an "all-in" for me. I know this is the end of the breadcrumbs as she will surely respect my wishes after that message. Asking for her to please come forward if there is something more behind the crumbs was sort of a final "speak now or forever hold your peace" moment for me. Now that she hasn't answered, I think it's pretty clear that she has zero intentions of any reconciliation at this point. So now, knowing that, and knowing that I'll never again receive any breadcrumbs, it will be easier to finally "let go" and move on. The door is still open in a sense... but I'm no longer standing in the doorway.

 

Previously, I had this strong gut feeling that she would be back someday. Something about the ridiculous thing we broke up over, combined with the way she acted when I moved out of there, her subsequent sporadic contact, and the fact that the relationship was so incredible for the both of us... gave me some hope. However, after sending that last message, that feeling in my gut has disappeared. It's almost as if I can feel her loss of interest and I can sense that she's finally moving on now. This of course is entirely in my head, and 100% speculation. But something about my confrontational approach surely scared her off.

[Sweetfish]

I feel you man. And she is in her early 30s, but I doubt that makes much of a difference in this case. Whether or not the relationship is dead or has any long-term future is entirely up to her at this point. And I know what you mean... I have been trying to move on, but still haven't completely moved on. I think this last interaction was kind of an "all-in" for me. I know this is the end of the breadcrumbs as she will surely respect my wishes after that message. Asking for her to please come forward if there is something more behind the crumbs was sort of a final "speak now or forever hold your peace" moment for me. Now that she hasn't answered, I think it's pretty clear that she has zero intentions of any reconciliation at this point. So now, knowing that, and knowing that I'll never again receive any breadcrumbs, it will be easier to finally "let go" and move on. The door is still open in a sense... but I'm no longer standing in the doorway.

 

Previously, I had this strong gut feeling that she would be back someday. Something about the ridiculous thing we broke up over, combined with the way she acted when I moved out of there, her subsequent sporadic contact, and the fact that the relationship was so incredible for the both of us... gave me some hope. However, after sending that last message, that feeling in my gut has disappeared. It's almost as if I can feel her loss of interest and I can sense that she's finally moving on now. This of course is entirely in my head, and 100% speculation. But something about my confrontational approach surely scared her off.

 

Dude... you have NO CLUE whats going on in her head. NO one can predict the future. You need to LET HER GO. Stop expecting a return or even (not a return) you have no idea... Breadcrumbs are nothing.. L.S. has proven this time after time and you slipped.. That is fine. You learn.

 

The only thing that matters right now is perfecting you for what ever outcome the future hold and most guys hold them selves hostage. You will have moments of weakness and pain. Regrets and what ifs... But to think that's the only great woman out there... your fooling your self. Also, you never told me your results:mad: lol

[jamili]

Dude... you have NO CLUE whats going on in her head. NO one can predict the future. You need to LET HER GO. Stop expecting a return or even (not a return) you have no idea... Breadcrumbs are nothing.. L.S. has proven this time after time and you slipped.. That is fine. You learn.

 

The only thing that matters right now is perfecting you for what ever outcome the future hold and most guys hold them selves hostage. You will have moments of weakness and pain. Regrets and what ifs... But to think that's the only great woman out there... your fooling your self. Also, you never told me your results:mad: lol

 

Lol too early for results still but i tried to PM you the other day and it says your inbox is full. Popular guy .

 

I know what you are saying man, and you dead on. Slipping up and responding to the breadcrumb was definitely mistake #1, and i have learned from that. But surely mistake #2 is putting my foot down and asking her to cease communication. I have reflected on this, and although it's true i have no idea whats going on in her head, i still feel that responding at all - even to tell her to stop contacting me - is contact. It shows i still care to some degree, especially since i was clearly leaving a door open for "meaningful" communication. And, if im understanding everything ive learned on LS correctly, once the dumper knows you still care about them, you are finished. They have to think you have forgotten about them and that you are completely moved on and they are out of your brain. This would mean completely ignoring the dumper... but not even consciously... just ignoring them naturally without even thinking abouy it.

 

And i am 100% in agreeance that there are a ton of great women out there, trust me! Im only stuck on this one because it was the deepest connection i have felt with another person, even compared to a previous relationship which lasted nearly a decade. So its harder to shake... especially when you are getting consistent monthly breadcrumbs.

[thora-tiki]

Hi, Jamili

 

Breaking up sucks balls.

 

No contact is a roller coaster from hell.

 

The roller coaster ride is normal, and unavoidable, but as long as you hold on tight (do not break no contact because of texts etc.),

you will not get thrown out of the car, and make it through to the end of the ride.

 

And then you get a T-shirt. Ha!

 

You are where everyone starts out after a break up, in the «panic phase» where you try to foresee the future,

and figure everything out overnight, and this just makes you even more confused - so stop it.

 

Just ignore her texts, and future texts etc. from her, look at it like an emotional brain fart from your ex. Ha!

Better yet, block her texts.

Or change your phone number.

 

If she didn't care, she wouldn't be trying to get your attention.

But she is still trying to control the situation - proof you are the one in control.

Muhaha!

 

But it is irrelevant why she is acting confused / confusing or whatever.

It just means that you have a «head start» ie. you don't sound confused,

yes, you are hurt etc, but you are not confused from within, she is confusing you both, big difference. So use the head start.

 

About closure - fu*k that

If you want closure, evolve past the breakup.

Nothing says closure like moving on.

Close this door, so another one can open.

 

She clearly has feelings for you - no contact will show her real colours and intensions.

You are not doing anything wrong, or pushing her away and you are not here to change anyone's mind,

the only thing you are here to change is your situation, from sad to happy.

 

Use it to begin making plans to fill the gap she has left. Transform yourself. New hobbies, new friends, a new look, a new outlook.

What do you really want to do that you haven't bothered with till now?

Make plans to do it.

Don't just say you are going to change things - actually action a plan to change yourself for the better. It will make you happier.

 

Then in a while when you see your ex around, she will wonder why you look so damn good,

so not bothered, so over it - and she will want it BAD!

 

What do you like to do, or have always wanted to pursue that you haven't before?

Let us know what you are doing and plan to do to concentrate on you.

 

I love to exercise, spend time with my pet rats, reading, practicing French, work extra hours ... - you get the picture.

 

I know what it is like to have your ex plague your thoughts constantly, we just have to make new memories to make the old ones fade a bit.

 

So chin up! We will get there.

 

This is YOUR time - so focus on YOU!

[frdl1234]

Lol too early for results still but i tried to PM you the other day and it says your inbox is full. Popular guy .

 

I know what you are saying man, and you dead on. Slipping up and responding to the breadcrumb was definitely mistake #1, and i have learned from that. But surely mistake #2 is putting my foot down and asking her to cease communication. I have reflected on this, and although it's true i have no idea whats going on in her head, i still feel that responding at all - even to tell her to stop contacting me - is contact. It shows i still care to some degree, especially since i was clearly leaving a door open for "meaningful" communication. And, if im understanding everything ive learned on LS correctly, once the dumper knows you still care about them, you are finished. They have to think you have forgotten about them and that you are completely moved on and they are out of your brain. This would mean completely ignoring the dumper... but not even consciously... just ignoring them naturally without even thinking abouy it.

 

And i am 100% in agreeance that there are a ton of great women out there, trust me! Im only stuck on this one because it was the deepest connection i have felt with another person, even compared to a previous relationship which lasted nearly a decade. So its harder to shake... especially when you are getting consistent monthly breadcrumbs.

 

I had to register just to reply to this. Why is she not permanently blocked already? She's a very selfish girl, possibly NPD, and is clearly only looking to get her ego stroked by you. When you asked her if there's something more to the contact than just logistics or whatever, you're basically showing her you're open to reconciliation. That's all she's after; having power over you, knowing that you want her. You don't want to be with a girl that plays games like this. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. It's time for you to block her and move on. Any contact you give her, negative or positive, is going to fluff her ego. She will disappear again, until she needs another pick me up.

Edited March 15, 2017 by frdl1234