My parents are demanding that I leave my boyfriend

[angel.eyes]

Again, he wanted to propose but I advised against it because my family still didn't know him that well. Other silly things were just that he didn't feel we sexted enough. []

 

If he wanted to propose, then he knew enough about you to feel comfortable sharing his life with you. But not comfortable enough to share an important aspect of himself?

 

Two arguments and you broke up??? I expected there to be more than that. No wonder you felt blindsided. Either you're glossing over and minimizing a lot, or communication of concerns between the two of you is pretty poor. Neither bodes well for the relationship.

 

Not what you want to hear, but another breakup is inevitable. Right now, you're so focused on fighting your parents and anyone who points or why this won't work. As soon as that goes away and the high of getting back together fades, the same unresolved concerns that led to his breaking up with you will resurface and deep-six the reunion. It will be a learning experience.

Edited November 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted rude comment from quoted post ~6

[SnugglePuggle94]

If he wanted to propose, then he knew enough about you to feel comfortable sharing his life with you. But not comfortable enough to share an important aspect of himself?

 

Two arguments and you broke up??? I expected there to be more than that. No wonder you felt blindsided. Either you're glossing over and minimizing a lot, or communication of concerns between the two of you is pretty poor. Neither bodes well for the relationship.

 

Not what you want to hear, but another breakup is inevitable. Right now, you're so focused on fighting your parents and anyone who points or why this won't work. As soon as that goes away and the high of getting back together fades, the same unresolved concerns that led to his breaking up with you will resurface and deep-six the reunion. It will be a learning experience.

 

Again, I have said we have worked on our communication. All those petty concerns are dealt with. And we are working on the baggage issue now at hand if we can just get through our parents.

 

Another break up is not inevitable if we can get through this. I'm just asking for advice as to how to deal with my parents since they are being controlling and unreasonable.

[angel.eyes]

Let them be. The more confrontational you get, the more things will escalate.

[SnugglePuggle94]

Let them be. The more confrontational you get, the more things will escalate.

 

How long should I wait?

[angel.eyes]

Stop looking to fight with them! That's a big part of your problem.

 

I'm not trying to give you a hard time, but you're so focused on arguing with them, that you aren't really listening to what is being said or the facts of the situation. Let it go. You disagree. You aren't going to change their minds by fighting them. All you're doing with your current urge to fight is highlighting how blinded by your emotions you are. That's okay. You're convinced. From your attitude, I'm guessing this is your first relationship and breakup. Time is a great educator.

[SnugglePuggle94]

Stop looking to fight with them! That's a big part of your problem.

 

I'm not trying to give you a hard time, but you're so focused on arguing with them, that you aren't really listening to what is being said or the facts of the situation. Let it go. You disagree. You aren't going to change their minds by fighting them. All you're doing with your current urge to fight is highlighting how blinded by your emotions you are. That's okay. You're convinced. From your attitude, I'm guessing this is your first relationship and breakup. Time is a great educator.

 

I'm not trying to FIGHT with them. [] They haven't really gotten the gist that I have made my decision. Sure I tried to tell them, but they didn't really believe it and kept going off on me as if they could change my mind. So right now why I'm so nervous is that I have to tell them again that my decision is final, and I'm afraid of what they might do- either by getting extremely mad or kicking me out. That's why I'm asking for advice as to how to deal with them.

 

So that's why I'm trying to find out how long I should wait to see if they will come talk to me or not. Because the last two times I tried to talk with them they got all mad at me.

Edited November 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted rude comment ~6

[angel.eyes]

As long as you live in their house, your decision isn't final. If it were truly final, you would move out and live independently. You don't want to do that.

 

BTW, couch surfing at your recently wed best friend's place is not living independently.

[SnugglePuggle94]

As long as you live in their house, your decision isn't final. If it were truly final, you would move out and live independently. You don't want to do that.

 

BTW, couch surfing at your recently wed best friend's place is not living independently.

 

Well everything is now down the drain. Zach just called and ended things again because he couldn't deal with putting a rift between me and my parents. He says that he knows they will never love or accept him again and he thought he could fight this battle with me but says he can't see us winning.

 

Go ahead, say that you were right. This just hurts like all hell again.

[angel.eyes]

Awww, hun, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

It's not about being right. It's about trying to help you make the right decision for you.

 

Personally, I think he's using your parents as an excuse to break up. His concerns never changed.

 

This is going to be hard for you to do, but block him on your phone, on email, on social media...everywhere. Make sure he can't contact you. Unfortunately, given the way you're both behaving, you'll yo-yo back and forth between getting back together and breaking up for a while. That makes a breakup so much more traumatic and unnecessarily painful. You don't need that, because at the end of the day...a year from now the outcome will be the same. The goal is to limit how hurt you get during a breakup.

 

Read the threads on going "no contact." That approach will really help you.

 

We've all been through a breakup. It's never easy. Just know that the pain does eventually subside. You will forget him at some point in the future, and you will eventually meet someone who is a way better fit for you.

 

Again, HUGS!

[SnugglePuggle94]

Awww, hun, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

It's not about being right. It's about trying to help you make the right decision for you.

 

Personally, I think he's using your parents as an excuse to break up. His concerns never changed.

 

This is going to be hard for you to do, but block him on your phone, on email, on social media...everywhere. Make sure he can't contact you. Unfortunately, given the way you're both behaving, you'll yo-yo back and forth between getting back together and breaking up for a while. That makes a breakup so much more traumatic and unnecessarily painful. You don't need that, because at the end of the day...a year from now the outcome will be the same. The goal is to limit how hurt you get during a breakup.

 

Read the threads on going "no contact." That approach will really help you.

 

We've all been through a breakup. It's never easy. Just know that the pain does eventually subside. You will forget him at some point in the future, and you will eventually meet someone who is a way better fit for you.

 

Again, HUGS!

 

 

 

I can't see myself ever loving someone as much as I loved him. I can't see myself being with so close with another like we were. We were so compatible- we loved video games, football, tv shows. Now I don't even know what to do with myself because everything reminds me of him. And how can I share things I enjoyed before with him with another?

 

And I still don't think this is right. I hate parents for doing this as he was willing to fight for us but if they hadn't been so downright mean and controlling he wouldn't have felt he needed to split up again.

 

I'm so depressed right now

[angel.eyes]

He broke up with you twice. Unfortunately, the only person fighting was you.

 

It seems impossible now, but you'll meet someone better who you will love even more than this guy. In the meanwhile take up a new hobby. Try to stay busy. And do not have any contact with him. Doing so will only result in more pain.

[SnugglePuggle94]

He broke up with you twice. Unfortunately, the only person fighting was you.

 

It seems impossible now, but you'll meet someone better who you will love even more than this guy. In the meanwhile take up a new hobby. Try to stay busy. And do not have any contact with him. Doing so will only result in more pain.

 

I'm sorry but I don't believe that. He was fighting for me but thought it was a lost cause.

 

And really I don't see any guy coming in my future that will compare to him. And I can't even think of a new hobby to do. All I want is to lie in bed and sleep away my feelings and thoughts.

[dreamingoftigers]

I can't see myself ever loving someone as much as I loved him. I can't see myself being with so close with another like we were. We were so compatible- we loved video games, football, tv shows. Now I don't even know what to do with myself because everything reminds me of him. And how can I share things I enjoyed before with him with another?

 

And I still don't think this is right. I hate parents for doing this as he was willing to fight for us but if they hadn't been so downright mean and controlling he wouldn't have felt he needed to split up again.

 

I'm so depressed right now

 

Hun.

 

My father literally threatened physical harm to my husband on more than one occasion, including one involving his handguns. (He didn't actually HOLD the gun to my husband, but it was still goddamn ridiculous.).

 

My husband just told him straight "you're trying to intimidate me, and it's not going to work. I'm going to marry your daughter."

 

And then he did.

 

A man dedicated to YOU isn't going to wait for an engraved invitation on a silver platter from your parents. And frankly, relationships require a lot of focus and stubbornness to remain together despite the odds. Your bf didn't have that. He wasn't going to date yoir parents. He was dating you, and if that meant enough he would still be dating you, instead of copping-out.

 

Your bf has dropped you twice in a very short time.

 

You can't trust him.

 

I also think your parents are highly controlling and manipulative. But that's another story.

 

Seek IC to set better boundaries with them.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm sorry but I don't believe that. He was fighting for me but thought it was a lost cause.

 

And really I don't see any guy coming in my future that will compare to him. And I can't even think of a new hobby to do. All I want is to lie in bed and sleep away my feelings and thoughts.

 

No don't shop for a replacement tomorrow anyway.

 

Of course you can't see loving someone as much or the same etc etc etc.

 

The chemistry with my ex was 'so perfect' and we clicked mentally in so many ways. We had our rituals, and routines and little things that made us special. All of that.

 

But he was also a coward and left six weeks before we were supposed to be married.

 

I met my husband right around the time where I would be marrying the other guy. It did take some months to heal, and a while longer for it to fade.

 

But my husband, wow, did I love him in a way that eclipsed my ex. We clicked in different ways. We have different routines, different things that make us special. And a much longer history.

 

Both relationships had their dysfunction too.

[beatcuff]

...ended things again because he couldn't deal with putting a rift between me and my parents. He says that he knows they will never love or accept him again and he thought he could fight this battle with me but says he can't see us winning.

 

bait is laid, will you take it? he obviously knows you are having issues with your parents. AND you are afraid to confront/deal with them. he is determining whether you will 'leave' your parents (and their judgement) for him. he wants to see how far you will go.

 

i am with your parents and nearly every poster on this thread. he is not for you.

 

don't believe me, re read this thread not with your eyes but as a friend. now tell me what he said and how the OP (you) felt the need to defend/deflect EVERY counterpoint presented.

[eightytwenty]

The boy sounds like a MAJOR wuss. If it only took a rift between you and your parents to get him to high tail it, again. Doesn't sound like someone that'll be there when you need him. You don't need a hobby, you need a job. You need to get yourself together, move out, and be a grown up. It sucks, but use that degree and be something.

 

 

 

 

You're parents will always try to have a say in your life, (speaking from a American catholic family) they will always try to butt in. Living on your own will give you a bit of a break from it.

[BluesPower]

Yeah, if a man loves a woman, he will crawl across glass to get to her, especially at your age.

 

When I was young I did things like that if I really wanted a girl.

 

If he cannot stand up to the parents, he is not worth having.

[MJJean]

I'm sorry but I don't believe that. He was fighting for me but thought it was a lost cause.

 

And really I don't see any guy coming in my future that will compare to him. And I can't even think of a new hobby to do. All I want is to lie in bed and sleep away my feelings and thoughts.

 

This, right here, explains the root of your problems. You are a grown adult living like a teenager. Frankly, I wouldn't want to date someone living at home and still under the influence and control of their parents at 21+ years old. I also wouldn't want to be 21+ years old, still living at home and under the control and influence of my parents!

 

Laying in bed is self indulgent and useless. You need to get whatever job will have you, two jobs if necessary, and move out of your parents house. Learn to be on your own. Learn who you are as an independent adult. THEN start looking for a romantic partner. AFTER you know you, you'll know what you really want in a mate.

[elaine567]

The approval of parents is very important in most families, no-one wants to be feuding forever and a day, with their family.

Usually the bond with the bf/gf is reduced markedly if the family do not approve.

Most want to feel comfortable in happy families, they don't want to be in a war zone.

However here I guess Zach is really not that invested. This is the second time he has decided it is over, I really doubt it has much to do with your parents actually.

You were arguing long before your parents got involved, the hostile parents just provided another good excuse to break up with you, I guess.

Reconciliations like this rarely work, as the old issues start to resurface and it all just breaks down again.

 

Do not blame your parents, they are probably just looking out for your best interests.

Few parents I would guess would want their daughter getting mixed up with a guy with unresolved abuse issues, and a guy who dumped their daughter unceremoniously and broke her heart... Parents tend to not like things like that.

Think about it.

[SnugglePuggle94]

That's the thing. I do blame my parents. And I'm trying to find a job to move out but still no one wants me.

 

He was wanting to do anything for me, but didn't want my parents angry at me for the rest of my life. So I blame them for ruining us.

[eightytwenty]

That's the thing. I do blame my parents. And I'm trying to find a job to move out but still no one wants me.

 

He was wanting to do anything for me, but didn't want my parents angry at me for the rest of my life. So I blame them for ruining us.

 

 

Number 1.. You're parents aren't going to hate you for the rest of your life. Quit being over-dramatic.

 

 

Number 2... Quit feeling sorry for yourself

 

 

Number 3... If you loved you, he wouldn't of left, but proved to your parents he is the right choice for you

 

 

Number 4... like stillafool said, quit involving your parents in your dating life, It's none of their business. And they will dislike anyone that does anything wrong to their baby..

 

 

Grow up, man up, and quit throwing a pity party for yourself.

[dreamingoftigers]

That's the thing. I do blame my parents. And I'm trying to find a job to move out but still no one wants me.

 

He was wanting to do anything for me, but didn't want my parents angry at me for the rest of my life. So I blame them for ruining us.

 

Get real.

 

If they have the power to "ruin your relationship" then your relationship is overpowered by them.

 

Which means you need a guy that will tune that sht out and you need to tune it out too.

 

I met my husband one year older than you are now.

 

We wanted to get married. Guess whose vote didn't count when it came to that?

 

If you and he can't put a Chinese Wall between your relationship and all of the parents, then you or he, or both of you aren't ready and need to figure out those boundaries BEFORE you date.

 

Either that, or you need to go back to traditional means and get your father to select your husband and trade you for some goats or something.

 

Of i would have sought out a guy that needed Mom.and Dad's stamp of approval, I'd still be single. Or I would be married to someone both abusive and scared of his own shadow.

 

I'm not even sure I would have told my bf my parent's reaction to him, unless it was something along the lines of "my parents are nuts, they are waiting for God to show them a sign of who I am going to marry. I'm not knocking their faith, but they should at least be hoping that I see a sign of who that might be, IF I want to get married. I hope we can get together soon and I'm redoubling my efforts to get out of here."

 

Meanwhile, Homeboy should be trying to talk to them to see if there's anything he can do to make the road a little easier. Like I mentioned earlier, my father is a real piece of work. My husband STILL attends family stuff with me. My father doesn't even acknowledge his presence, not so much as "Hi dreamingoftiger's husband." You know what we call that? An IMPROVEMENT over my husband getting crapped on by my Dad.

 

Your parents can vote and vote and vote against any mate you choose. But guess what? Their vote doesn't count.

[dreamingoftigers]

[]

 

Living with [your parents] doesn't give them Dominion over who you date.

 

If that's a rule about living with them I would probably shack up in a homeless shelter first. That's how ridiculous that is.

 

I would be asserting my independence so hardcore. Just like I did when I was younger.

 

I swear, if I didn't I would be living with my parents TO THIS DAY. The very thought of that makes me sick to my stomach.

 

Living on $8.25 an hour is better than living under unrighteous Dominion.

 

I have a son and a daughter. I have LONG AGO accepted, before they were even born that I can guide them so far, and they walk the rest of the way. I can have an OPINION, but I can't MAKE them anything. At worst, I can alienate them completely with my opinion.

 

I expect both of them to come home with idiots at some point. A guy who is "going to be a rap star because he's so gangster living in his Mom's basement" or a girl who sees my son as a walking wallet and can't keep her clothes or bra on to save her life, and that's when she's sober.

 

Then, (hopefully) like the rest of us, they'll grow past the "Idiot Stage."

 

But if I go around telling them things like "I'm going to pray to God to disrupt your relationship with Idiot," then pretty much, I am setting my kids up to say "Mom, you don't trust me to make my own decisions about my own love and sex life, you suck. And since I can't trust you to be there for me, I am going to cling to Idiot like never before because I need a support system, and for the low price of a cup of coffee an hour, Idiot will be there for me."

 

Very poor way to handle it.

 

And frankly, my in-laws are nutso too. Same emotional pattern on their side of the family as mine. The only affect that had on myself and husband was that we understood just how important it was to turn down the noise from our parents. The butting-in volume can go really high on both sides. To the point where my father did not give me away. Luckily, I can walk, so I trucked my own butt down the aisle. A standing statement if ever there was one.

 

You DO NOT have to negotiate your dating life with your parents, no matter where you live. Expect that having him stay over wouldn't be okay, but that's because it is in their house. But that's about it. They can't dictate who you see, in your own personal time, outside of their home. That's the edge of their power. That front door is your freedom.

 

And there's no way that your bf doesn't know that too.

I'm sorry you put yourself on the line for a flake.

He flaked. And that sucks.

 

It doesn't mean your parents are right in the way they handle your independence. It just sounds like he was your Idiot, and they handled it really poorly.

 

If the next guy isn't an Idiot, fight harder. It's uncomfortable, but knuckling under is worse.

 

If you want to lay in bed for a few days, that's normal. I do that too when I get dumped. But then come out and take care of you.

Edited November 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted quote of deleted post ~6

[William]

Folks, I noticed Robert stopped by and cleaned up a goodly amount of uncivil and/or off-topic posts and handed out a number of sanctions so I'll remind members to please remain focused on the topic and address the thread starter, and each other, respectfully. If unable, please move on. Thanks!

[basil67]

So, back to getting you some much needed independence.

 

You say that you have a master's in English. Please forgive my ignorance, but what kind of job does this qualify you for? If it's a bit hazy, can you do a couple of extra years and train as a teacher?

 

When you write that "nobody wants you", it's probably true that nobody wants you if you're currently unemployed. This is why it's SO IMPORTANT to get a job. Any job. Show that you're determined to work. Thing is, if a potential employee is given two similar job applicants and one is unemployed and the other is working minimum wage in a supermarket, the one who's working already will win every time.

 

You mentioned being a receptionist. I hope you're aiming higher with that degree of yours. No offense to receptionists - I've done that job too - but I didn't have a uni degree under my belt. Sure, use reception as a stepping stone, but don't waste all that work you did on your degree.

 

Have you considered doing a management trainee program at a bank or other major employer? They generally don't care what degree you've done - as long as you've got one. (at least, this is how it is where I live) They just want to know that you can apply yourself.

 

One last thing about working: Not only will it give you the means to step out from under your parents, but they will probably view you as more of an adult and able to make your own decisions if you're financially independent.