Really struggling...could do with some and just someone to listen

[waterwoman]

, I just don't know, it is better somehow.

 

 

 

And that is the power of honesty and making yourself vulnerable to another person. But it's difficult and frightening and you wonder why you are being so open to someone who hurt you.....until all of a sudden it isn't difficult anymore and you aren't frightened and life is so so good.

[merrmeade]

But I think that, for one thing, WS believe that what the bs doesn't know can't hurt anyone. It's only the telling that will be injurious.

 

The other thing I think they try to convince themselves of is that they can make it better. They really believe that there's been no change or negative impact on their marriages, that they haven't changed and that the bs is fine, fine, fine. And therein lies the problem.

 

My take on it is that they're so into themselves and what they're feeling because of the affair, that they just haven't paid attention. They haven't grown and developed with the marriage, but they don't think about that. They don't acknowledge their lack of interest and commitment to 'the wife' or husband because they think they're maintaining the status quo there. As I said, their time and energy is spent on the AP, so they don't notice what they don't notice. Marriage has begun to crumble, and they say everything's fine. They just didn't notice.

[mizunomead]

i think that there are a few positives here. first off at least for the moment you have managed to stop. that is good obviously. and your asking questions and looking for advice. so you know at some level that things have been wrong and you want to work on them and find a way through it. the old saying goea that the first step is to admit there is a problem.

i dont think that there is a timeline that you can put on getting over it. 4yrs is a long time. so it will take time. it would seem pretty logical that the more you are around her the harder it will be.

i would recommend some therapy for you. to help yourself understand why you decided to walk out on your marraige and engage in a affair. and how to learn and deal with yourself to become a better version of yourself.

my personal belief is the your wife has a right to know what is happening in her marraige so she can make decisions about her marraige. you made a choice to step out of your marraige without her consent. she should have the choice to make decisions about her marraige knowing all that has gone on.

it will suck, but everythink sucks about this no matter what. she may choose to leave or to stay. but just like you made choices, she should be allowed to make choices.

i wish you luck, i hope you can navigate your way through this and at some point become a better version of yourself

[Regretful one]

Only you can answer several of these questions.

 

For me I knew that I had to confess in order to stop living a lie. My wife deserved to at least know the truth. I got to a point where I hated myself so much that the only way I could see out was to tell her everything and give her that respect.

 

I got right with God and am currently hoping for a chance at reconciliation.

 

Though what I did was the most selfish thing a spouse can do I wanted to start working at getting my integrity back.

 

Confess to her. Leave nothing out. If you want to save the marriage do all you can do to save it and perhaps she will consider it. You need to start respecting her and yourself again.

 

Start counseling. I don't know your story but chances are there are some underlying issues you need to look at. I did. Life can be so much better when you are living it honestly and with integrity. Take it from someone who has been where you are.

[wmacbride]

One more thing and this is HUGE; I don't know the odds, but I think marriages can and do get worse afrer affairs because of all the things listed - even when the bs doesn't know. THIS HAPPENED TO ME. My WH hid more than one affair from me over the years. Our marriage, as it was before I found out, was spiraling downward and would not have survived. The reason it was bad I did not know then. Now we both do. He confessed everything (?), life was hell for a couple of years and now it's gradually eclipsed anything we'd achieved before.

 

So don't assume it'll go back to what it was or you'll make it better. Assume

 

This makes a lot of sense.

 

reconciling isn't something that happens over a day, a month or even a year. it is a process that takes a lifetime.

 

This may sound daunting, but when you think about it, having a happy marriage is a process that lasts a lifetime. The marriage is an entity that's always growing and evolving.

 

Another thing about reconciling is that, at least form my point of view,for a reconciliation to be really successful, it needs to be built on a foundation of honesty. This can happen with a huge secret like a hidden affair being the eternal elephant in the room.

[merrmeade]

How are you taking all this, Pamp? I'm really asking bc I just glanced at the thread title again: "... could do with ... just someone to listen," and really see we've been advising you up one side and down the other. Need some more listening?