During the affair, OW/OM around children....

[Ahurtgirl]

Most affair partners mean no harm to their affair partners children. They typically care very much about them. We took my daughter to the park together and enjoyed helping her feed the ducks together. We also took his son out to eat and to play at a playground. This was all when they were very young. Once they were old enough to be aware of our relationship, we only attended their sporting events discretely and shared pictures of our kids. When our affair ended, because of how how cold she was at finding out about us, it made me realize that he really was being honest about how she got irritated at her kids at times which made me very sad. I have never yelled or raised my voice to my daughter as I believe in discussing behaviors and working on improving positive behaviors as being critical towards kids only makea them become critical of others. His children were very important to me. We talked often about how we wanted to protect our kids from any pain. It really was his wife that caused them pain in my situation. APs are not wanting to harm your children.

[merrmeade]

I've a not so close friend, who is also an OW and when I heard her on the phone asking her MM what she should get his kids for Christmas, I felt sick. Very sick that she should even mention his kids at all, as if the A isn't bad enough.

 

As a mother herself I just can't understand why she would do this.

- yeah, keep her "not so close"!

[merrmeade]

My husband told me that his concubine thought she'd be able to 'win' our (all but a young teen, grown) children over should she usurp me as his wife, and that they would come round eventually.

 

Made plans for the teenager to live with them both in her house in fairy lala land and all would be rainbows and kittens for ever and ever...

 

After dday, she sent emails to him with me cc'd in them (as she thought this was 'the right thing to do'???) obviously jacked off he'd not 'chosen' golden girl, and making deliberate references to the plans she'd made for my children, naming them all, and for my benefit, information she had about them and their lives.

 

she lived 360 miles away, so never got near them in reality until she travelled the distance to stalk them and me while contacting each of them (yes even my teenager) by phone telling them all manner of s*** ....

 

It was dealt with quite effectively through legal channels after she poisoned our pet and ended up having a little holiday at Her Majesty's Pleasure. I never laid eyes on the woman thankfully, because everyone knows as I've said before, you never poke a Mummy bear. I might not have been able to control myself had I been face to face with her.

 

My eldest was deeply affected by it all, and though the relationship between her and her Father is healthy now, she lets him know if she thinks he's being a bit of a berk. Our second daughter is struggling to come to terms with infidelity after discovering her husband was seeing another woman. She's now on her own with our two grandchildren. Our son has issues in his relationships with women, and our youngest (the teen at the time) also finds it hard to trust.

 

Perhaps I'm just overtly sensitive to this particular issue, but I thought I'd put it out there to see how all of you feel/felt about contact with your children during the affair.

I'd be enraged by all this, too. Poisoned your pet??!! Talk about vitriolic - a real-life horror story this is. I'm so sorry your kids were traumatized and you had to deal with that on top of your own damage.

 

I hope for you, too, and everyone's sake that your husband realizes he owns this one forever and can never make up for it.

[aileD]

I don't think this applies to OW without kids. Someone that doesn't have kids isn't going to understand & if a WS is telling a person without kids how terrible their marriage is & how awful their spouse is as a parent the AP is going to think a divorce & being good to the kids is a good thing.

 

Maybe.

 

But my H's OW was in the same position While she was "growing up" (meaning a few years ago)...Her dad had affair on her mother.

 

So this reasoning doesn't apply to her because of anything she knew EXACTLY how my kids were hurting.

[merrmeade]

Most affair partners mean no harm to their affair partners children. They typically care very much about them. We took my daughter to the park together and enjoyed helping her feed the ducks together. We also took his son out to eat and to play at a playground. This was all when they were very young. Once they were old enough to be aware of our relationship, we only attended their sporting events discretely and shared pictures of our kids. When our affair ended, because of how how cold she was at finding out about us, it made me realize that he really was being honest about how she got irritated at her kids at times which made me very sad. I have never yelled or raised my voice to my daughter as I believe in discussing behaviors and working on improving positive behaviors as being critical towards kids only makea them become critical of others. His children were very important to me. We talked often about how we wanted to protect our kids from any pain. It really was his wife that caused them pain in my situation. APs are not wanting to harm your children.

Let's talk about "most affair partners" but after talking about most betrayed spouses. How "cold she was at finding out" about you?? Cold?? She was supposed to be 'warm' and welcoming, I suppose. Surely, if you're here, you've read about the pain and shock betrayed spouses experience on "finding out" about their mates' affairs, the months and years it takes them to recover.

 

This is a perfect example of minimizing and rationalizing, then vilifying the BS as heartless, uncaring. In your mind, this justifies his turning away from her toward you. Yeah, yeah. Old story and common. I've read WSs saying the same thing - a lot - which doesn't mean all those BSs actually WERE cold and unfeeling. It means that many, if not most, WSs and their APs need to see them that way.

 

So your highly questionable assessment of how his wife was affected by the affair means the rest of your explanations about how other people (his children) reacted is also unreliable.

 

Did you read Cloudcookoo's posts? Raena? Maybe if you had children, you'd understand just how perceptive they are and how unshakably loyal they are to both their parents. A mother would have to be violently abusing her children for them, not only to be okay with their father's infidelity, but to shift their affection that easily to the interloper. I think you're living in a fantasy world you created yourself.

[OneLov]

The one thing I've learned to be true in ANY situation in life--never get between a mama bear and her cubs.

 

If they're in danger, call children and youth services unless there's an imminent threat on their lives.

[ChickiePops]

I don't think this applies to OW without kids. Someone that doesn't have kids isn't going to understand & if a WS is telling a person without kids how terrible their marriage is & how awful their spouse is as a parent the AP is going to think a divorce & being good to the kids is a good thing.

 

This is such a cop out. There is no possible way anyone would be naive enough to believe that infidelity is good for kids. Even if the nonsense the MP spouts about the BS is true, infidelity is only piling bad on top of bad. Two bads don't make a good.

[merrmeade]

This is such a cop out. There is no possible way anyone would be naive enough to believe that infidelity is good for kids. Even if the nonsense the MP spouts about the BS is true, infidelity is only piling bad on top of bad. Two bads don't make a good.

But did you read the OW perspective given a couple of posts ago of general AP good will and judgment regarding their AP's kids? It's believed and repeated. So believe it but don't call it naiveté. I think it's already called Affair Fog.

[aileD]

Read an interesting view on divorce and kids awhile back.

 

It was answering the question "is it worse for the kids to stay in a bad marriage or to go thru divorce"?

 

The viewpoint was this- children thrive on security. Their home, their parents, their siblings, their bed, their routine. As long as the marriage is not violent or abusive or prone to frequent loud arguments, children do better mentally when their parents stay together -even if they aren't "in love" rather than the upheaval of divorce.

 

Thoughts?

[Whoknew30]

This is such a cop out. There is no possible way anyone would be naive enough to believe that infidelity is good for kids. Even if the nonsense the MP spouts about the BS is true, infidelity is only piling bad on top of bad. Two bads don't make a good.

 

Actually if your WS is a master manipulator it's extremely plausible. If a BS is believing their WS, why is it so hard to believe that a AP would also?

[aileD]

But did you read the OW perspective given a couple of posts ago of general AP good will and judgment regarding their AP's kids? It's believed and repeated. So believe it but don't call it naiveté. I think it's already called Affair Fog.

 

The welfare of the children are placed in the same box tucked away with all the other things that an AP needs to put out of their mind in order to justify indulging their own selfish needs:

 

-their own integrity

-their own spouse and children

-the Betrayed spouse

-their reputation

[Cloudcuckoo]

I'd be enraged by all this, too. Poisoned your pet??!! Talk about vitriolic - a real-life horror story this is. I'm so sorry your kids were traumatized and you had to deal with that on top of your own damage.

 

I hope for you, too, and everyone's sake that your husband realizes he owns this one forever and can never make up for it.

 

That's really just a P*** in the wind M. So much more..

 

It's a horror story indeed, of which my husband was the director..the feckin

eejit...

 

my husband has made gargantuan efforts to repair his relationship not just with me, but the children he deeply scarred, and that's as it should be.

 

Don't you worry my lovely, I don't have any more of that b******s.

 

I've changed too, and I no longer suffer fools.

[merrmeade]

That's really just a P*** in the wind M. So much more..

 

It's a horror story indeed, of which my husband was the director..the feckin

eejit...

 

my husband has made gargantuan efforts to repair his relationship not just with me, but the children he deeply scarred, and that's as it should be.

 

Don't you worry my lovely, I don't have any more of that b******s.

 

I've changed too, and I no longer suffer fools.

Yeah, I find it amusing sometimes to see how my H looks at me - shock, respect, fear maybe. He doesn't have suitable responses.

 

He's also working hard to be the man that his kids to want(ed) him to be and he wants them to see - to really BE that man instead of making everybody admire him for something he's not really living up to.

[sandylee1]

But did you read the OW perspective given a couple of posts ago of general AP good will and judgment regarding their AP's kids? It's believed and repeated. So believe it but don't call it naiveté. I think it's already called Affair Fog.

 

Very true.

 

It seems the BW was meant to jump for joy when she discovered the affair and suprisingly she reacted badly.

 

The judgement does seem warped and kids should be kept out of affairs. When you're already doing something wrong, using your kids for cover and having them meet your AP, just takes the disrespect to a whole other level.

[MJJean]

Read an interesting view on divorce and kids awhile back.

 

It was answering the question "is it worse for the kids to stay in a bad marriage or to go thru divorce"?

 

The viewpoint was this- children thrive on security. Their home, their parents, their siblings, their bed, their routine. As long as the marriage is not violent or abusive or prone to frequent loud arguments, children do better mentally when their parents stay together -even if they aren't "in love" rather than the upheaval of divorce.

 

Thoughts?

 

Partially true. Children also tend to emulate the romantic relationship modeled for them by their parents. Cold and distant is just as harmful as hot tempered.

 

I really don't buy the total security argument, either, as children's lives are constantly in flux. Every year, kids get new teachers and new classmates. Friends and family move away, pass away, or have falling outs. Sports team and club members come and go, too.

 

Also, how the divorce is handled makes a huge difference.

 

To the original topic, most of my OM knew my kids as they were long time friends of my family or my now exH's friends and were part of the kids lives since they were born. When they were around my kids, we were in friend mode and didn't touch, kiss, etc.

 

I left the marriage when the kids were 6 and 1. I never hid my activities from my adult family and friends. The kids are aware that I had affairs and that my DH was the AP I left the marriage to be with. The kids from my first marriage are now adults. They are FB friends with a couple of my old AP's, knowing they were AP's, which is weird for me because I don't keep in touch with ex's, but they are free to do as they wish.

Edited October 22, 2016 by MJJean

[ChickiePops]

Actually if your WS is a master manipulator it's extremely plausible. If a BS is believing their WS, why is it so hard to believe that a AP would also?

 

It has nothing to do with manipulation, it's simple common sense. Two wrongs don't make a right. Period.

[ShatteredLady]

Partially true. Children also tend to emulate the romantic relationship modeled for them by their parents. Cold and distant is just as harmful as hot tempered.

 

I really don't buy the total security argument, either, as children's lives are constantly in flux. Every year, kids get new teachers and new classmates. Friends and family move away, pass away, or have falling outs. Sports team and club members come and go, too.

 

Also, how the divorce is handled makes a huge difference.

 

To the original topic, most of my OM knew my kids as they were long time friends of my family or my now exH's friends and were part of the kids lives since they were born. When they were around my kids, we were in friend mode and didn't touch, kiss, etc.

 

I left the marriage when the kids were 6 and 1. I never hid my activities from my adult family and friends. The kids are aware that I had affairs and that my DH was the AP I left the marriage to be with. The kids from my first marriage are now adults. They are FB friends with a couple of my old AP's, knowing they were AP's, which is weird for me because I don't keep in touch with ex's, but they are free to do as they wish.

 

 

Out of interest do your children now have stable monogamous relationships? What are their views on marriage & family? (I'm not sure about the 2nd question because in my early 20's I swore I'd never marry (not for any good reason!) & my parents have been happily married for over 55 years)

[Whoknew30]

It has nothing to do with manipulation, it's simple common sense. Two wrongs don't make a right. Period.

 

If the AP is being manipulated then that's not a cop out..the AP is under the belief the BS is crazy...& yes some manipulators are that good.

[sandylee1]

Children should just be kept out of affairs PERIOD. It's poor role model behaviour and the kids who are old enough don't forget it. They notice how daddy interacted with the lady he said was his friend, who gave them candy. They can see it's different to how he is with other women.

 

Happily have your affairs .... but don't introduce your kids unless and until you are divorced.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Children should just be kept out of affairs PERIOD. It's poor role model behaviour and the kids who are old enough don't forget it. They notice how daddy interacted with the lady he said was his friend, who gave them candy. They can see it's different to how he is with other women.

 

Happily have your affairs .... but don't introduce your kids unless and until you are divorced.

 

They should be sandylee, but unfortunately the delusions of some concubines (like my husband's) think it endears them to their married man, that they 'care' about his children..I say that's bollocks.

 

My daughters estranged husband, whom she found to be knocking off another woman, has a Father who thought it was perfectly okay to take him, as a tot, with him when he visited his female 'friend'....WTF?? And now he's fu***d up his own marriage??

 

Children are such a gift and it makes me really cross when they get caught in all the horse s*** and I don't care what anyone says, my own are living proof as adults that they DO carry the scars of their errant parent's philandering.

[ChickiePops]

If the AP is being manipulated then that's not a cop out..the AP is under the belief the BS is crazy...& yes some manipulators are that good.

 

We will have to agree to disagree. I would never get involved with a married man no matter what. Not under any circumstances. If someone is that unhappy in their marriage, they can leave their spouse before they start sleeping with anyone else. Bringing another person into a marriage will never, ever, ever solve anything or make anything better and involving yourself with a married person will never be ok.

[Popsicle]

Children should just be kept out of affairs PERIOD. It's poor role model behaviour and the kids who are old enough don't forget it. They notice how daddy interacted with the lady he said was his friend, who gave them candy. They can see it's different to how he is with other women.

 

Happily have your affairs .... but don't introduce your kids unless and until you are divorced.

 

They should be kept out of the affair and I also think they should not be told about the affair by the BS, whle he/she is still married to their WS.

[aileD]

They should be kept out of the affair and I also think they should not be told about the affair by the BS, whle he/she is still married to their WS.

 

There are too many factors to be able to say that you can "keep kids out of affairs".

 

My 16 years old daughter found out when someone we know saw H and OW together and were talking about it with their spouse, and it was overheard by someone who knows my daughter who then sent an anonymous message to my daughter on a social network teens use. Then my daughter and 13 year old son got in a fight one day and she told him out of anger .

 

Plus kids know and can sense the stress that the parents and BS are going through. They over hear things, they snoop, they see messages that pop up on lock screens.

 

The only way to keep kids out of affairs is to not have affairs.

[Jersey born raised]

My exWW adultery occurred when cell phones where not common so they emailed and I read them all. At one point post DDay OM's wife was away there 14 year old daughter brought her 17 year old boyfriend into the house in front of him, into the bedroom and shut the door. He charged into the room, found her taking of her shirt. She told him to get out her boyfriend was going to get lucky just like his OW was while mom was away.

 

My ExWW wanted to talk with her, wanted to help him settle her down with him. Yup, perfectly normal, perfectly healthy, nothing to see here folks every one just keep moving along. There is no room in a child's life for the other person. They are part of the trauma the child is experiencing and need to pushed out.

[dreamingoftigers]

There are too many factors to be able to say that you can "keep kids out of affairs".

 

My 16 years old daughter found out when someone we know saw H and OW together and were talking about it with their spouse, and it was overheard by someone who knows my daughter who then sent an anonymous message to my daughter on a social network teens use. Then my daughter and 13 year old son got in a fight one day and she told him out of anger .

 

Plus kids know and can sense the stress that the parents and BS are going through. They over hear things, they snoop, they see messages that pop up on lock screens.

 

The only way to keep kids out of affairs is to not have affairs.

 

I'm sure my father thought we didn't know either.

 

I think I would have barfed if his mistress had professed some kind or love, care or regard for us.