My wife has emotionally checked out. How do I save my marriage?

[BluesPower]

You can talk and listen to what she says...

 

But, do not take her back right now for sure.

 

She is probably going to try and bully you into taking her back, don't do it.

 

As a matter of fact, I would continue filing for the divorce. If you really, and dude I mean "REALLY" see a change in her you can stop or postpone the divorce. That may be the only thing that will wake her up...

[Shard]

You can talk and listen to what she says...

 

But, do not take her back right now for sure.

 

She is probably going to try and bully you into taking her back, don't do it.

 

As a matter of fact, I would continue filing for the divorce. If you really, and dude I mean "REALLY" see a change in her you can stop or postpone the divorce. That may be the only thing that will wake her up...

 

Realistically a divorce could be over within as little as a few months. I already have my half of our savings in safe keepings, our pensions are around the same, so taking half each other's pension would only cancel each other out. The only issue realistically we would have to agree on is child custody and according to the lawyer, I consulted I have a great chance of getting equal custody of both girls anyway.

[Cephalopod]

When you and her sit down, don't say anything. Just tell her you are there to listen. Then just stay calm and detached and let her say what she wants. Don't reply, just listen. Be cool as a cucumber.

 

If she wants to reconcile, you tell her that she has this one chance to come clean on EVERYTHING to you. She must tell you how many times she has cheated in the past and how long her current affair lasted and all the details you want. Tell her if she trickle truths you or tells you half-truths, and you find out later, then it is over.

 

If she asks you if you will reconcile with her, tell her you will think about it and talk to her again. Make no promises to her. Do not tell her she is forgiven. Just tell her you need to mull everything over and you will talk again.

Edited October 27, 2016 by Cephalopod

[Cephalopod]

Shard the main thing is this: time is on your side. Do not let her make you feel obligated to rush a decision about whether or not you will stay with her. Many waywards, who are desperate to save their nest egg, will stomp and throw a fit and try to make the BS make an off-the-cuff decision. Do not let her do that to you.

 

If she tells you it is over, tell her you will be petitioning for 50% custody of the kids and for retention of all your pension. Keep it all business after that point.

[Jersey born raised]

Is giggs the same as walk away spouse?

 

Shard, a couple of points, first of she is a walk away spouce:

 

Her crying was for the loss and death of her dreams. Giving up on the idea of death to we part, etc, etc. That a part of her life she though was forever is gone. Her attempt to reattached is based on denial, refusing to accept the reality that she must move on. That a part of her refuses accept her heart knows, your marriage is over.

 

This is a seperate issue then the adultery. The kicker is the loss of faith and meaning is the part that kills a marriage, the adultery makes recovering from it like trying a two ton boulder to a person who is drowing.

 

What was missing from saturday was a random act of kindness from you. I recall one thread where the break though occured when the BS toolk the kids out early, left her a note to sleep in and returned with her favorite pastry. After a LTA of close to a year, sexting with OM2, and being approached for swinging by OM3 and several months of pure hell that marriage has Been healing for a year and half the BH is content and growing.

 

What occured during the three years you did not drink? Had she spent the marriage thinking if only you stopped drinking everything would work out only to discover deeper issues hidden by the drinking?

 

All questions for IC and MC.

 

Finally what will your response today be if she says things are to broken to fix, that the marriage needs to end?

[Jersey born raised]

Another site uses the term plain of lethal flatness. It occurs when the BS when in reconciliation for 9 or so months mentally and emotionally accepts the changes divorce will bring and is willing to accept them. I suspect that occurred in your wife after you stopped drinking and you will experience it after several months of reconciliation.

 

I knew people growing up who married in their teens and fifty years later where still one. I envy them. To spend a life time growing together amazing. So don't assume well we where young.

[BluesPower]

Great advice Cephalopod ...

 

Really good tips for the conversation.

[Darren Steez]

180 is not a tool to get a reaction out of her. If by proxy it is then good, just like water flowing in one direction she can get caught up by it but any attempt on her part is to try and change that, because more than likely she fears the change of attitude from you means you're not interested in having your chain yanked by her anymore.

 

Nothing you have stated in your previous post screams she's suddenly had a revelation that she's wronged you, it's all more reactive to your position and trying to reassert her position of emotional dominance.

 

So you get offered some tail. That didn't work, so more likely you'll get the appeal to your emotional side, a lot of heart tugging, offering herself up as somewhat vulnerable all designed to upset your equilibrium.

 

Also. You're not really detaching are you. Just rearranging your sleeping schedule, waking up at different times etc.

 

I urge you to truly work on yourself, do stuff for yourself. You cave to your wife after what she's done you're asking for trouble in the future. Right now you have a chance to build something stronger and longer lasting, otherwise there will be more OM's on the horizon.

[Shard]

If she says that our relationship is over and too damaged to fix, then first thing tomorrow morning I will file for divorce and have her served.

 

After six weeks I am really relieved that I am no longer playing the "pick me" dance. I am done being the only one trying to make this relationship work. I am going to start really focusing on myself and on my daughters. I have been really thinking about this. She gave me an ultimatum and it really helped me realize what I set to lose. Depending on how tonight goes, or what she wants to talk about, I should act on it. She needs to take responsibility for her actions like I had to with my drinking.

 

Another thing my mother said to me during our brief separation in 2013. She asked me if my wife ever sought any kind of counseling after our oldest was born. Before our daughter was born we did a lot of partying and we made some less than stellar decisions. She used to skip school a lot and we would sneak around. I said no. I just chalked it off as her not having a problem because she stopped all the partying like it was nothing. I'm wondering if she would have benefited from some kind of counseling back then. Not so much with addiction issues but with poor coping.

 

Maybe all of this could have been avoided. It makes me think that if tonight if she wants us to "work" on our marriage. Demanding counselling individually as a requirement to even consider it. Because obviously there is something going on with her.

[Jersey born raised]

And if she says you are not safe? Not physically but emotionally and being their for her in away that matters to her?

 

Turn around is fair play so the question is one she needs to answer for you. (and so far she is failing badly!)

 

This might be a good thread to read for you if you want to reconcile:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/576217-there-responsibilities-bs-reconciliation

 

You think you can do what it suggests?

[Shard]

And if she says you are not safe? Not physically but emotionally and being their for her in away that matters to her?

 

Turn around is fair play so the question is one she needs to answer for you. (and so far she is failing badly!)

 

 

 

If she says I'm not safe then I'll just walk out. After our last day of relationship counseling, she never once said she was unhappy if anything she said she was proud of me for taking the initiative of changing myself for our family. I have taken responsibility and continue to take responsibility for the mistakes I made. I won't and I mean I won't let her dare try to blame me or deflect responsibility off her on to me. She is the one that has the problem. If there was something that was bothering her at any time, I would have and she knows I would have addressed it the best way I could, but instead she seek that from someone else.

 

Sorry, that question which I haven't really considered triggered me.

 

I'll take a look at the forum. Thanks.

 

Edit to Add: If she can take responsibility and be 100% in repairing our relationship I know I can forgive her and we can move forward. But I won't be the only one doing all the work. She has got to want to be with me.

Edited October 27, 2016 by Shard

[BluesPower]

You are totally correct. If she can't take responsibility for what she has done it is a no go.

 

I speak from experience on that one.

[Shard]

We just got back from coffee. I wasn't in the mood to discuss anything with her in a public place and didn't want to bring more toxicity into our house, so we order coffee to go and sat in the car.

 

I did a lot of listening while she poured her heart out to be literally. It took everything it could out of me to keep myself neutral. She started by admitting that she didn't like me ignoring her and denying her affection. I admit I felt some glee at that comment but I didn't react on it or did I comfort her either. I just said, okay and... She looked at me and burst out crying. I did rub her back for a few moments. I know it could show off mixed messages. But I'm human and I don't' like to see her cry.

 

Then she said she was sorry for everything she had done to me. She said she was sorry for getting emotionally involved with another man. She then went on to tell me that she never meant to hurt me and never meant for things to get this far. I tried so hard not to roll my eyes because it sounded so sappy but I didn't. I did ask her straight out if she loved this man. She said no she didn't but admitted she liked the attention. Then I asked her calmly, almost calculated if she ever had sex with this guy or any other guy. Without any hesitation, she said no. She said that this man was the only man she ever flirted with, told our marriage problems with and that she never had intentions of sleeping with him.

 

Then I just said okay, and. She didn't like when I said and, but she said we needed to seriously talk. And I was kind of waiting for her to just get to the point. I wanted to just ask her straight out if she wanted to be with me or not, but I didn't want to drag the information out of her.

 

Well, then she asked me what I was thinking. I told her straight blank that I felt like she was lying. At this point I was getting a little frustrated because I just wanted to know what she wanted, and where we stood so I can move on with my life either with her or without her.

 

She told me she was telling me the whole truth. Then she asked me if I even wanted to be with her anymore after what she did. I didn't answer and redirected the question back to her. She said that she wanted to try but felt like she ruined our relationship by her insecurities. I told her she needed to talk to a counselor because she needed to take responsibility for her actions because what she did wasn't right. The good news was she agreed.

 

I am really no closer to knowing if we are truly finished or not but at least its a step in the right direction. Still going to detach from her, not going to have sex with her. I'm just going to see if she takes the initiative.

[Bufo]

There are side benefits to the 180, aren't there. You were feeling better and more powerful, and she found out that lo' reliable Shard wasn't going to sit like a dog waiting for the next command from her. And she didn't like that too much.

 

As you plan to do, keep up the good work. I see some remorse here, but you need to know she's not an Oscar candidate

[S2B]

I'd tell her that you're planning to fill out the divorce papers so they can be filed at any time. Then tell her that she is responsible for what happens next...she can either change and spend 200% of the energy for the marriage repairing what she damaged or if she doesn't then the papers will be filed.

 

 

She caused this mess - it's hers to fix. Either she will change and stop making demands on you or she will continue to be an entitled witch.

[Matahari007]

Shard, do you think you both may have grown out of each other and your time together has come to an end? You said she's unhappy and doesn't want to go to a counselor. Perhaps she's holding on for the kids but it definitely something to discuss with her in case she's using the Emotional Affair as an exit.

[Cephalopod]

Shard you did good my man. Now back off again and let her stew for a while. Don't contact her until she contacts you.

 

If she is really interested in R, she will get IC set up for herself and start making some changes.

[Cephalopod]

And remember, tears mean nothing with a woman. Women can turn on the waterworks at will. I'm glad your weren't buying it.

[Marc878]

As you've found if you chase them they will flee. Marriage should be balanced @50/50 if you do too much they tend to lose respect. If you don't do enough they will check out.

 

No matter what happens an affair is always 100% on the perpetrator.

 

Use your new ground wisdom for your next relationship if not this one.

 

Never allow the third person in your marriage.

 

You've done well I hope it works out for you.

[smackie9]

I think pulling away is a band aid solution to something that is so broken that it can't be fixed...all you both are doing is playing head games/Mexican stand off. it is counter productive and make things toxic. If she is unhappy, she is unhappy.....just let her go. As for the kids, they are pretty perceptive to the tension between the two of you. kids are better off with two separated parents that are happy rather than two parents that stay together resenting each other daily.

[Shard]

I have considered that my relationship with her has hit its end but I'm willing to give it one more go. I was thinking of giving it until the New Year at least, unless she is ready to pull the plug, cheats on me again or because mean. So far she isn't doing any of those things, even if she is on the fence.

[S2B]

IF she intends to work on the M then expect to see HER making 150% effort to you and your union. At this juncture YOU should just stay neutral and allow her to prove for a long while that she's going to show evidence that she's changing/ making effort... including counseling.

 

Fill out the D papers and have them ready... that way she gets the idea that you will take action if things don't improve on her end.

 

Keep the ball in her court...you can just stay busy and neutral so you can see what her intentions are long term.

 

Remember...words are just so easy - you need long term actions/changes FROM HER.

 

Do NOT do the work FOR her - it's HERS to do/change!

Edited October 29, 2016 by S2B

[Shard]

I took a few days off online to do some thinking. The reoccurring thought of I'm just avoiding the envitable has be seen crossing my mind. I love her and I'm sure she loves me but I wonder if she'll ever feel the same way about me again. She said last night she wanted me and our family. She is making an appointment first thing tomorrow morning for a counselor. So far everything I asked of her since the beginning she has done. But I don't know if there is anything left to hold on too. I can forgive her. I don't hold any resentment but I feel kind of down and doubtful. I have decided at the very least to wait into the new year before making a decision.

[BluesPower]

You don't have to make a decision right now, that is ok.

 

But, try not to let your heart open to her too much, honestly. She may really try to change but let her prove it before you allow yourself to feel the love that you have for her.

 

For now you need to put that love in a box and lock it away. Trust me, you will hurt so much less if she screws you over again. Let her prove it to you over a fair about of time.

 

I am living this now, and for me it is a toss up. I just really don't know if I can forgive her for the things that she has done, and I already opened my heart and it really hurts.

 

Don't do that if you can help it, save yourself the pain.

[Shard]

You don't have to make a decision right now, that is ok.

 

But, try not to let your heart open to her too much, honestly. She may really try to change but let her prove it before you allow yourself to feel the love that you have for her.

 

For now you need to put that love in a box and lock it away. Trust me, you will hurt so much less if she screws you over again. Let her prove it to you over a fair about of time.

 

I am living this now, and for me it is a toss up. I just really don't know if I can forgive her for the things that she has done, and I already opened my heart and it really hurts.

 

Don't do that if you can help it, save yourself the pain.

 

 

I've been keeping it neutral. I'm not mean to her but I'm not going out of way for her either. This weekend we did go out as a family to do something fun but that is more for the kids because I don't want them, especially older DD to know something is wrong. So far it's working for me and letting go of the "pick me" has really made me feel relieved.