aileD Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 Yes. NC at that time is important. Give him til Dec1st...probably can't can't an apartment before nov 1st. He'll either do it or not. Either way, you'll know. Link to post Share on other sites
JewelD Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 He's not going to leave her regardless, but if you insist on going through the motions of giving him an ultimatum, of course you should NOT be talking or sleeping with him while he's making his choice. If he can continue to talk/have sex with you, what's the point? The fact that you would even ask that question and have been messing around with him for 2 years says that you are probably going to stick around regardless. If you don't like the situation, end it. If you do like it, stop asking questions and rocking the boat for no reason. He's not going to leave his wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jjackie Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 I know this is selfish but I really wish he would leave his wife for me. Jesus, this is SO wrong... Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 So if I do this, demand a time frame, how long? I have said this before a few times and unfortunately I never stood my ground, and so now I think he thinks I'll just do the same thing again, say this is it but then let him pull me back in and I just don't want that. A few of you have mentioned that I should go NC during the time I've given him to leave, is that really necessary? It is necessary for two reasons. First he won't take your ultimatum seriously as long as you are still hanging around giving him what he wants while he is married. If your goal is to get him to take action and make changes then you have to take action and make changes. Giving him an ultimatum and then continuing the affair is just both of you being all talk no action. Secondly should he not meet your demands and leave the marriage in the time frame you have given him you will already have a huge head start in moving on with your life if you are already no contact. The no contact will clear your head and reintroduce you to your life without him. It will make it easier to walk away when the time comes. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Wow I didn't even think that far ahead I guess, about being his nurse and carer, I certainly don't want that, but many guys live quite healthy into their eighties and even keep working. Many things stop working once they hit 45. Just saying. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 He will leave her when she tells him its over. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 He will leave her when she tells him its over. And even then it will be kicking and screaming. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Missinghim17 Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Im 6 years into my affair and he hasn't left her yet... Honestly, would I like him to leave her for me? Yes of course, BUT I know that's unlikely to happen and part of me doesn't want anything to do with the end of their marriage. I don't want that responsibility. I don't want that regret later on. So, id rather stop pushing him to leave and instead, wait for their marriage to fall apart on its own. The way I look at it, if their marriage was so great, he wouldn't have found me in the first place. And I know for a fact, they fight regularly and his wife has even physically attacked him in front of their kids... Im hoping that they realize they aren't happy and need to break it off at some point. Even if he doesn't end up with me, at least he will be out of that mess. Then, if he and I end up together, great. If not, I guess it was never meant to be. But im here holding on....its all a waiting game. A very painful wait though. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Im 6 years into my affair and he hasn't left her yet... Honestly, would I like him to leave her for me? Yes of course, BUT I know that's unlikely to happen and part of me doesn't want anything to do with the end of their marriage. I don't want that responsibility. I don't want that regret later on. So, id rather stop pushing him to leave and instead, wait for their marriage to fall apart on its own. The way I look at it, if their marriage was so great, he wouldn't have found me in the first place. And I know for a fact, they fight regularly and his wife has even physically attacked him in front of their kids... Im hoping that they realize they aren't happy and need to break it off at some point. Even if he doesn't end up with me, at least he will be out of that mess. Then, if he and I end up together, great. If not, I guess it was never meant to be. But im here holding on....its all a waiting game. A very painful wait though. If he was that unhappy he'd have left long ago. He's perfectly happy exactly where he is, and you're wasting your time. But I think you know that. You know you're grasping at straws. OP this is a cautionary tale. Is this really where you want to be in 5 years? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
imsosad Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 (edited) Im 6 years into my affair and he hasn't left her yet... Honestly, would I like him to leave her for me? Yes of course, BUT I know that's unlikely to happen and part of me doesn't want anything to do with the end of their marriage. I don't want that responsibility. I don't want that regret later on. So, id rather stop pushing him to leave and instead, wait for their marriage to fall apart on its own. The way I look at it, if their marriage was so great, he wouldn't have found me in the first place. And I know for a fact, they fight regularly and his wife has even physically attacked him in front of their kids... Im hoping that they realize they aren't happy and need to break it off at some point. Even if he doesn't end up with me, at least he will be out of that mess. Then, if he and I end up together, great. If not, I guess it was never meant to be. But im here holding on....its all a waiting game. A very painful wait though. Are you single?If so, are you dating or are you being 'faithful' to him? I think you know you're waiting in vain. People get divorced every day, he's not leaving because he doesn't want to. Why would he? Wife at home, you on the side,best of both worlds. What are you getting,though? Do you think he'd hang around for you? If the roles were reveresed, would he wait for you for years and years? I know a woman who was OW to a MM, on and off, for nearly 20 years. She never married herself and never had children. He finaly got a divorce, only when it suited him, the children were grown, no child support to pay. They went on to live together for a couple of years but it didn't last. According to her, it was only when they began living together did she grasp what he had and she didn't all those years. She felt lonely,frustrated,missed him and assumed he felt the same. When they were finally together,she realised he went to bed every night holding his wife, always had his wife for companionship, raised a family and lived a full life,while she spent two decades living on hold,waiting for their life to begin. She saw that she gave up so much for him,while he gave up nothing for her. So yeah, he left his marriage eventually. So what? Edited October 23, 2016 by imsosad 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 He's not going to leave his wife. And, even if he did, would you ever really trust him not to do with you what he has done to his wife. I just do not understand how some women are so easily convinced and settle for so little... And I will never understand why a woman does not respect that this man is another woman's husband and therefore - unavailable for a relationship with you. Move on and forget him. He's not likely to leave her. And, any man who cheats on his wife is not a man who you want to trust with your happiness and your life. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Missinghim17 Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Are you single?If so, are you dating or are you being 'faithful' to him? I think you know you're waiting in vain. People get divorced every day, he's not leaving because he doesn't want to. Why would he? Wife at home, you on the side,best of both worlds. What are you getting,though? Do you think he'd hang around for you? If the roles were reveresed, would he wait for you for years and years? I know a woman who was OW to a MM, on and off, for nearly 20 years. She never married herself and never had children. He finaly got a divorce, only when it suited him, the children were grown, no child support to pay. They went on to live together for a couple of years but it didn't last. According to her, it was only when they began living together did she grasp what he had and she didn't all those years. She felt lonely,frustrated,missed him and assumed he felt the same. When they were finally together,she realised he went to bed every night holding his wife, always had his wife for companionship, raised a family and lived a full life,while she spent two decades living on hold,waiting for their life to begin. She saw that she gave up so much for him,while he gave up nothing for her. So yeah, he left his marriage eventually. So what? I am single. I hate to admit it, but your absolutely right. He and I have been on and off. Of course, the on part is at his convenience. There was even a point in time where we almost didn't talk 2 years and I still couldn't get over him. I have dated other men in between but I notice that I compare everyone to him hoping i'll find him in one of these other men. I never do. I have tried everything to let him go. Honestly don't know how. Im wasting so many years of my life on something I know will never happen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Sometimes I wonder if it is really love with some of you or is it just a case of wanting something you can't have. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 So if I do this, demand a time frame, how long? I have said this before a few times and unfortunately I never stood my ground, and so now I think he thinks I'll just do the same thing again, say this is it but then let him pull me back in and I just don't want that. A few of you have mentioned that I should go NC during the time I've given him to leave, is that really necessary? How about February 2017? Let Christmas and the new year be done. I'm sure he'll find a reason why that's not possible though. Have you ever considered that he doesn't want to leave his wife and would like to keep you both? At your age I would have found a 45 year old ancient. Stop letting this MM, old enough to be your dad. ... use your youthful body to satisfy his ego. Even in the extremely unlikely event that he left his wife .... think of all the baggage he comes with. An ex wife, kids ... finances commited to supporting kids and possibly alimony. Do you really need that at your age? You are in your prime and can have your pick of men. In my 20s, I wouldn't consider a single man with a child, let alone all this hassle you're entangled with. He may live and be healthy at 80 ... but he'll be all shrivelled/wearing dentures/possible mobility/ incontinence issues and viagra dependant, if it doesn't affect his heart. Being with you is a fantasy for him. You keep him feeling young and if his marriage isn't terrible, he cant risk it for a beautiful 20 year old, who might decide she's off bagpacking to Australia next year. ... because when you don't have any responsibility you can do that. Don't saddle yourself with the old fella. Stay independent. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 What you have with this man is a fantasy. Without a doubt, the dreams that you have about the relationship are not reality. You have no right to give him a timeline. He is married, with a wife and children. If he wanted to be with you, he would have made that decision long ago... You are so young. You have so much life ahead of you - you should be looking for someone who is available to be in a relationship with you. And the fact that you are not, should really make you wonder what is wrong with your thinking... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 So if I do this, demand a time frame, how long? I have said this before a few times and unfortunately I never stood my ground, and so now I think he thinks I'll just do the same thing again, say this is it but then let him pull me back in and I just don't want that. A few of you have mentioned that I should go NC during the time I've given him to leave, is that really necessary? The deadline is for YOU, not him. He isn't going to change anything because he knows you're not going anywhere. Bottom line, if he wants you he will divorce. He'll put a plan into action, confess/come clean, leave and get counseling, divorce etc... He hasn't and won't do that because he doesn't want to start all over again. Can you imagine still sitting here waiting for him by next summer? Make yourself accountable and stick to YOUR deadline. Let him know that if he isn't in the midst of filing and/or divorcing *with proof* by the New Year YOU are walking away because you're choosing "you". That you'd rather be alone and on your own than continue to be his OW and waiting in the wings. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 And I will never understand why a woman does not respect that this man is another woman's husband and therefore - unavailable for a relationship with you. A man (or woman) is as availability as s/he makes himself (herself). If he really was unavailable, nothing an OW could do would lure him into an A. Is he available for a full time, long-term relationship? That depends. Some are, others not. But by making himself available for a part-time relationship, he is creating the possibility that he might be. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 So if I do this, demand a time frame, how long? I have said this before a few times and unfortunately I never stood my ground, and so now I think he thinks I'll just do the same thing again, say this is it but then let him pull me back in and I just don't want that. A few of you have mentioned that I should go NC during the time I've given him to leave, is that really necessary? Ultimatums don't work, IME, for precisely the reason you've outlined above. It's mere manipulation, games playing to try to force someone's hand to get them to do what you want. You cannot force someone to leave on your timescale. People leave when - if - they are ready. If you are really tired of being the OW, and unwilling to continue being the OW, tell him that. Tell him that you'd rather not have him in your life at all than have him part-time (with a vestigial W) but only if you really mean it. If you would rather be the OW than not be with him at all, well, that's what you have. It works for both of you, so why would anyone need to change it? It's a compromise that doesn't give either of you what you'd prefer, but gives you both a little of what you want. Once you really have had enough of being the OW, and really do not want him unless it is full time, then you'd be willing to walk away knowing it's not just about manipulating him to leave. Knowing that you'd be better without him, that with him in this way. Knowing that whether he leaves the BW and comes for you, or whether he goes back to the BW, you're still better off. When - if - you reach that space, then a time frame starts to make sense. Then you know you won't crawl back. Then he gets to decide for himself whether he's willing to let you go or not. Playing games isn't the way to go. Mostly it doesn't work, and when it does it's not sustainable as it pushes someone to do something they're not fully reconciled to doing. He might leave, but would he stay? Would he be happy knowing you bullied him into leaving? And, do you want someone who is only with you because you tricked / bullied them into that position? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cyra Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 Playing games isn't the way to go. Mostly it doesn't work, and when it does it's not sustainable as it pushes someone to do something they're not fully reconciled to doing. He might leave, but would he stay? Would he be happy knowing you bullied him into leaving? And, do you want someone who is only with you because you tricked / bullied them into that position? I agree with this. I manipulated xMM into leaving with an ultimatum and it worked for 2 days. Even if it had worked, id always be unsure whether he only left because i pushed him into it and only stayed because he had no other options, if wife wouldnt take him back etc. It would have been an empty victory with much more pain to follow. Link to post Share on other sites
carolann Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 He won't. He has it way too good the way it is. Why are you willing to settle for being his cum dumpster instead of being a priority? Are there NO single men where you live? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
summerdowling87 Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 Don't listen to his words listen to his actions. And what are his actions telling you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author independentwoman Posted November 16, 2016 Author Share Posted November 16, 2016 Well a lot has happened since I was last here. His wife contacted me, and asked to talk. I was hesitant at first but I was curious so I met with her. It was awful. What she told me about their life didn't match up with what he told me at all. She has been absolutely devastated by this. I feel so awful for the part I played in this. I know it was up to him to be faithful, but I could have said no too, I knew he was married, and I tried to pretend that he wasn't, or that she was this horrible awful wife, but nobody could ever deserve this no matter how I try to justify it they just don't. The funny thing, she didn't blame me at all, she said she felt sorry for me, for me?! I don't know, that just made me realize how much I've let this man play me for so long. Not just me, but her too, playing us against each other, telling us each opposite things and being so manipulative to get his way. He got everything he wanted, a wife at home waiting on him hand and foot, trying to please him so that he wouldn't break up their family. Then me on the side for sex and ego boosts. I've read everything I could here, and I've been reading a lot of other stuff too. I just feel so naive and like I totally got played. I'm embarrassed, and ashamed and at the same time I miss him so much! I will never go back to that, even if he were to leave his wife now but how do I get over this terrible sadness? I've been NC for a week now. I've blocked him everywhere and I'm trying to move on. I'm not trying to play the victim here because I knew he was married, but how could I have ever let myself believe so much crap. I'm a strong person, I have always had lots of women friends and one thing she said to me really stuck out (well a lot of things but this in particular) How would I feel if it were my sister or best friend who's husband was doing this. I am so sad that I hurt someone so very much. I just don't know how to get over all of this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 16, 2016 Share Posted November 16, 2016 Hopefully that's a lesson learned. MM aren't available for romantic relationships and someone will get hurt in the end. Usually the OW, but quite often the BW as well. You get over it by seeking better and setting higher standards for yourself. Relationships come with challeges as it is, without having a boyfriend, who is another woman's husband. Repeat that to yourself and see how crazy it actually sounds. "My boyfriend is her husband". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author independentwoman Posted November 16, 2016 Author Share Posted November 16, 2016 Hopefully that's a lesson learned. MM aren't available for romantic relationships and someone will get hurt in the end. Usually the OW, but quite often the BW as well. You get over it by seeking better and setting higher standards for yourself. Relationships come with challeges as it is, without having a boyfriend, who is another woman's husband. Repeat that to yourself and see how crazy it actually sounds. "My boyfriend is her husband". So so true, thank you. I'm repeating that over and over. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted November 16, 2016 Share Posted November 16, 2016 independentwoman you will get over this in time. When the damage is visible it is so hard to overlook. The one that is really at fault is the MM. He played you both, it is what they do. Allow yourself to heal and move on with life. You will be ok. Link to post Share on other sites
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