When will he finally leave his wife?

[wmacbride]

He told me they were separated but living together until their youngest child was done school, he said she agreed to that then changed her mind and got angry and did all this stuff.

 

I'm sorry, but that is the oldest line in the book.

 

Ask the ow and bs on here how many mm/mw have used that line. You might find yourself unpleasantly surprised.

 

Another question to ask yourself is why, if she is so terrible, awful, etc., then why is he maintaining this toxic status quo and forcing his child to live in it?

 

Also, how will waiting to divorce until his child is an adult going to do anything to keep him from "losing everything he's worked for"? If anything, it could mean he'll have to pay more in spousal support/alimony.

The only way it will make a difference is that he won't have to pay child support and what does it say about a person if they don't want to support heir own child?

[Bialy]

If you really must give this man "one last shot" - give him a deadline. Tell him it has been two years already -- tell him you will give him until the end of the month, Oct 31. If he is true to his word, and wants a full life with you, NOT a secretive one.

 

I'm afraid to say - be prepared for more excuses and for him to tell you to stop pressuring him.

[sandylee1]

He told me they were separated but living together until their youngest child was done school, he said she agreed to that then changed her mind and got angry and did all this stuff.

 

 

Oh my. Had another OW in thissituation and she went to his house to introduce herself to the seperated wife. The wife didn't know what the hell the OW was on about. When the wife called her H, he went ballistic with the OW and immediately dumped her.

 

There was no seperation of any kind. There was no discussion of divorce when their youngest left for Uni.

 

It was all a lie.

[elaine567]

Well it's the financial side of it, he feels like he is going to lose everything he's worked for.

 

And when will that ever change? Be realistic.

If he was going to leave and build a life with you he would already be divorced or at least in his own apartment or living with you.

Stop believing the bs and realise you are in exactly the position he wants you to be in.

You will only "win" by default , ie if SHE decides enough is enough and kicks him out at some point. Then he will come running to you... and you will have won a cheater... lucky you!

Otherwise you will remain on the outside, forever looking in, as he gets on with the rest of his life as a married man, still playing the victim, whilst you massage his ego. He is "da man", superstud, cake eater extraordinaire, he has two besotted women fighting over him, what is not to like?

 

TWO YEARS?????

Don't waste a minute longer is my advice.

 

There is nothing "special" about this situation, this is the same variation on a theme we hear every day unfortunately on LS.

[whatatangledweb]

The longer he waits the more money he would lose. He won't leave because of money and that won't change.

 

If he hasn't cheated before you then why was he on tinder? That isn't for married people.

[Cyra]

IW, I was in the same situation as you, A for 18 months, and heard the same array of excuses. The order of their importance varied from day to day but essentially the same thing. Dont want to upset my kids, what will people think about me, financial implications... etc etc. Btw I find nothing more abhorrent than someone choosing materialistic comforts and money over love and happiness. Same as you at first I believed it - or better said, chose to believe it even though instincts told me it was BS but I chose to ignore them. When push came to shove and I gave him an ultimatum, he did leave his wife... for whole 2 days before running back to her. So strong was his love for me.

Bottom line is this. I loved the man and I wanted to be with him (even though it seems stupid now). I would have done what I had to to achieve that. I did not care what people would say or think, I did not care that he had a baggage of 6 kids, I did not care that he would lose half of his income to his wife and kids, I did not care that I would be branded a b*tch by his family, I just did not care, because I loved him and I would have overcome anything. I assume you feel similarly, from the way you write.

Now ask yourself, would he? Is he? Has he demonstrated his commitment to you with any sort of tangible action rather than words, has he shown that he was taking steps towards having a future with you? I think you already know the answers because if you believed in him you would not be asking the question on here. You would trust him that he is taking care of things.

I will say the same as many previous posters. If you want an answer, give him an ultimatum. Give him a time frame and tell him to contact you once he has followed through, until then NC. But be prepared it may not be the answer you want right now, which is an answer on its own and it will set you free and you will not waste any more time with him. The time I wasted is the thing I regret most about the whole thing. It is time I will never get back, time that could have been better spent on myself and time that instead of making me feel great and loved, made me feel less secure and emotionally drained. Be smart, be strong, be firm. You will have your answer.

This forum is a great place to learn and get support and help. It has been invaluable to me and I have met great people on here.

Edited October 14, 2016 by Cyra

[jenkins95]

IW, I was in the same situation as you, A for 18 months, and heard the same array of excuses. The order of their importance varied from day to day but essentially the same thing. Dont want to upset my kids, what will people think about me, financial implications... etc etc. Btw I find nothing more abhorrent than someone choosing materialistic comforts and money over love and happiness. Same as you at first I believed it - or better said, chose to believe it even though instincts told me it was BS but I chose to ignore them. When push came to shove and I gave him an ultimatum, he did leave his wife... for whole 2 days before running back to her. So strong was his love for me.

Bottom line is this. I loved the man and I wanted to be with him (even though it seems stupid now). I would have done what I had to to achieve that. I did not care what people would say or think, I did not care that he had a baggage of 6 kids, I did not care that he would lose half of his income to his wife and kids, I did not care that I would be branded a b*tch by his family, I just did not care, because I loved him and I would have overcome anything. I assume you feel similarly, from the way you write.

Now ask yourself, would he? Is he? Has he demonstrated his commitment to you with any sort of tangible action rather than words, has he shown that he was taking steps towards having a future with you? I think you already know the answers because if you believed in him you would not be asking the question on here. You would trust him that he is taking care of things.

I will say the same as many previous posters. If you want an answer, give him an ultimatum. Give him a time frame and tell him to contact you once he has followed through, until then NC. But be prepared it may not be the answer you want right now, which is an answer on its own and it will set you free and you will not waste any more time with him. The time I wasted is the thing I regret most about the whole thing. It is time I will never get back, time that could have been better spent on myself and time that instead of making me feel great and loved, made me feel less secure and emotionally drained. Be smart, be strong, be firm. You will have your answer.

This forum is a great place to learn and get support and help. It has been invaluable to me and I have met great people on here.

 

Wow Cyra, what a fantastic post! You have me in tears here. How far you have come in just a few weeks - you are amazing. To read that kind of clarity, ownership and plain common sense in your brilliant post considering the place you were in just a few weeks ago is quite staggering.

 

What an inspiration - you are exactly the role model that IW needs I feel. You made the same mistakes, got involved with an unavailable man, fell hard, gave him chance after chance, believed his delaying tactics....... and got your heart broken.

 

But look at you now! Yes, I'm sure you're still in awful pain and will be for a while.....But your head is in the right place - the clarity and strength in your post demonstrates this. Stay the course Cyra - your heart will eventually catch up with your head.

 

IW, this just demonstrates that you CAN get past this. Cyra stood in your shoes a matter of weeks ago. She can do it and so can you.

Edited October 14, 2016 by jenkins95

[ShatteredLady]

The longer he waits the more money he would lose. He won't leave because of money and that won't change.

 

If he hasn't cheated before you then why was he on tinder? That isn't for married people.

 

 

 

What's this about Tinder??

 

Is this true? Did he meet you on Tinder or did you find him on there trying to cheat on both you & his wife?

 

ugh!

[Cyra]

Jenkins95, thank you so much, I too teared up when reading your kind words. Make no mistake I am still an emotional wreck and it still hurts deeply, but it is true it hurts a little less every day and with that emotional cloud dispersing I begin to see it for what it was and I realize that I have had a lucky escape.

I couldnt do it without all of you, you have been such a great help, support and also gave me different perspective by expressing different points of view than my own.

I know it will be a great help for IW too.

[BTDT2012]

I have tried to end it a few times, but I just miss him so much when we aren't talking, and I feel like I'll never meet anyone else like him, that if I just wait, he will leave and then we can finally be together.

 

I guarantee you can find another lying cheater.

[jenkins95]

What's this about Tinder??

 

Is this true? Did he meet you on Tinder or did you find him on there trying to cheat on both you & his wife?

 

ugh!

 

Yes, I missed this fact too in my original reading of this thread. Another huge red flag.

[jenkins95]

Jenkins95, thank you so much, I too teared up when reading your kind words. Make no mistake I am still an emotional wreck and it still hurts deeply, but it is true it hurts a little less every day and with that emotional cloud dispersing I begin to see it for what it was and I realize that I have had a lucky escape.

I couldnt do it without all of you, you have been such a great help, support and also gave me different perspective by expressing different points of view than my own.

I know it will be a great help for IW too.

 

Thank you Cyra! You truly are one of the good guys and I see a very bright future for you. I have no doubt that you are still an emotional mess and will be for a while - all very normal. But you will get past it, and judging by the intelligence and clarity of your posting, probably quicker than many.

 

Over a year after the end of my A as the MM, I still have days when I am a wreck too - there are so many things I regret and I barely recognise the cheating monster I was. It is very hard to forgive yourself and move on knowing the pain you caused others. We are human, we make mistakes, sometimes very selfish mistakes. But we have the choice of wallowing in self pity and guilt..... or learning from our mistakes, pulling things back together and making up for lost time and bad decisions. We will get there Cyra... together, and so can IW - I agree that the support on here is amazing.

 

I also agree with you about the financial excuse being a lame one. If you are truly in love with 'the one', all the money in Fort Knox is not going to keep you apart. In the height of my fog, I had already decided that, if I left, I would have left my wife everything financial, the house, etc and carry on covering all household bills. I'm not trying to paint myself in a positive light here - I was a complete POS, a total disgrace......but finances didn't even enter my thinking. Apart from anything else, shame alone would have prevented me from 'getting all legal and financial' in the face of all that hurt and heartbreak. I read Romeo and Juliet at school, and for all the problems they had, I don't remember at any point Romeo telling Juliet that, much that he loved her, it would really mess him up financially if he went against his familly's wishes and married her..... And so could they just be friends instead!

 

Sorry...a little bit of humour helps me sometimes in difficult times!

 

Have a good weekend all. I know that 'good' is a relative concept on here. But let's try to make tomorrow better than today.

Edited October 14, 2016 by jenkins95

[aileD]

In the height of my fog, I had already decided that, if I left, I would have left my wife everything financial, the house, etc and carry on covering all household bills.

 

My H felt the same way.

 

The entire time of the A, there were months of going back and forth....he never once took any money away from our family. He lived in a car in like $120 a month.

 

Take note OP....: And he STILL came home to me. Money didn't matter...he would have left it all....did for awhile... but still ended up dumping OW.

[independentwoman]

Sorry having a hard time keeping up

 

aileD there is a 20 year age gap. I'm in my early thirties, he's in his early fifties.

 

There was no tinder I'm not sure where that came from.

 

She hasn't told my job yet, but she threatened to, if we don't stop talking.

I don't think she will, I think it's just a threat, she did tell my family tho.

 

At first, I didn't expect it to get like this, to feel so much. I now wonder though since she told both our families, what it would be like if we were actually together. His kids know, have known for quite some time.

 

whichwayisup I'm really starting to feel like I am wasting my time, and I have tried to end it several times, but he just keeps hooking me back in.

 

sandylee1 when she told my family I tried to end it then, and I told them I was ending it then. They weren't happy, but they know I'm an adult.

 

Chickiepops I think he is mostly an honourable man and that's why he hasn't left his wife, he feels like he has to take care of her still.

 

Jemima1234 we used to spend a lot more time with each other than we have been lately, but we have had to be really careful because of the wife's threats so I haven't seen him that much, lots of texting and phone calls.

 

wmacbride what do you mean by she knows the drill? I have never heard of anyone going and telling everyone before.

waterwoman well I guess it's mostly what he told me, but also the things she said to me after she caught us.

jenkins he works a lot, no he doesn't spend that much time with me, and he doesn't live with me, but again he calls and texts me a lot.

Edited October 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whichwayisup]

He told me they were separated but living together until their youngest child was done school, he said she agreed to that then changed her mind and got angry and did all this stuff.

 

Oh bullcrap. He is trying to make himself the victim and the martyr! He's far from it. His wife is the victim here, not him.

 

People divorce all the time, kids or no kids, they just do it because they know it's better for the family unit, it's better to have two happy households than one unhappy household just to stay together for their kids sake.

[Cyra]

Jenkins95, I have read a lot of your posts, and a lot of things you said made me think. Your situation seems quite similar to that of my xMM (apart from that you seem like a nice person which he was not) and I was wondering if you wouldnt mind giving me insight on some points that are confusing me about the xMM and his actions.

I dont want to take over IW's post so please PM me if you like (I tried but says your inbox is full).

Take care x

[Cyra]

People divorce all the time, kids or no kids, they just do it because they know it's better for the family unit, it's better to have two happy households than one unhappy household just to stay together for their kids sake.

 

Totally agree. Subjecting kids to living in an unhappy marriage is IMO much crueler than being honest and separating. What sort of example does it give them for their adult life?

[ChickiePops]

So you think it's honorable of him to lie and cheat on his wife? That makes me sad.

[Cyra]

So you think it's honorable of him to lie and cheat on his wife? That makes me sad.

 

No, I think it would be honorable to admit that they are not happy and separate so they can both live happier lives.

[ChickiePops]

No, I think it would be honorable to admit that they are not happy and separate so they can both live happier lives.

 

Sorry..was talking to OP in reference to her response to me..should have clarified that! And for the record, I agree with you.

[independentwoman]

I was trying to reply to all the posts but there are just too many. Long work day yesterday.

 

I have read everyone's posts, and it's making me think a lot about what's going on. About how gullible I've been and believed everything he's told me. When I try to talk to him about things he gets upset and says how can I question him, and that I don't believe him. I guess deep down I really don't.

[elaine567]

You are in your early thirties, do you want children?

[aileD]

aileD there is a 20 year age gap. I'm in my early thirties, he's in his early fifties.

 

There was no tinder I'm not sure where that came from.

 

She hasn't told my job yet, but she threatened to, if we don't stop talking.

I don't think she will, I think it's just a threat, she did tell my family tho.

 

At first, I didn't expect it to get like this, to feel so much. I now wonder though since she told both our families, what it would be like if we were actually together. His kids know, have known for quite some time.

 

I knew it...sensed the age gap. He isn't going to leave. And his wife isn't going to give up.

 

I'm only 40 and so is my H. One of the reasons we stayed together was because we both didn't want to start over from scratch at this age. All that we've built over the 24 years or so we have together, our plans for retirement and the future... starting from scratch with no money? Not worth it to him even though he thought he was in love with this 20 year old.

 

What would it be like if you were together? read this and see if it's what you want for your life. And I know his kids are grown, substitute grandkids where necessary:

 

When the Other Woman Becomes the Wife

 

You are grasping at straws and wasting good years of your life on this man. If he loves you, let him prove it. Give him Until Nov 1st to move out into his own apartment and file a legal separation agreement

 

Tell him you will respect his space to do what he has to do and not contact him until Nov 1st.

 

Then you'll have your answer. If he loves you and wants a life with you, he will do the work to get it done.

 

Anything else is just an excuse and means you'll be waiting forever on promises he won't keep.

 

You need to be the one calling the shots. Don't waste any more time on him.

[independentwoman]

I knew it...sensed the age gap. He isn't going to leave. And his wife isn't going to give up.

 

I'm only 40 and so is my H. One of the reasons we stayed together was because we both didn't want to start over from scratch at this age. All that we've built over the 24 years or so we have together, our plans for retirement and the future... starting from scratch with no money? Not worth it to him even though he thought he was in love with this 20 year old.

 

What would it be like if you were together? read this and see if it's what you want for your life. And I know his kids are grown, substitute grandkids where necessary:

 

 

 

You are grasping at straws and wasting good years of your life on this man. If he loves you, let him prove it. Give him Until Nov 1st to move out into his own apartment and file a legal separation agreement

 

Tell him you will respect his space to do what he has to do and not contact him until Nov 1st.

 

Then you'll have your answer. If he loves you and wants a life with you, he will do the work to get it done.

 

Anything else is just an excuse and means you'll be waiting forever on promises he won't keep.

 

You need to be the one calling the shots. Don't waste any more time on him.

 

Reading that, I fear a lot of that. His children aren't young, but they know about me, I imagine his wife has probably said a lot of nasty things about me, I do wonder what it would be like down the road.

 

I think you're right and I do need to give him an ultimatum, or just decide if I even really want him to leave for me, I don't know now, I'm so confused.

[independentwoman]

You are in your early thirties, do you want children?

 

I don't want children.