Cephalopod Posted October 18, 2016 Share Posted October 18, 2016 You showed a lot of restraint. So what do you think? Is your wife worth another shot? Link to post Share on other sites
Author 40somethingGuy Posted October 18, 2016 Author Share Posted October 18, 2016 You showed a lot of restraint. So what do you think? Is your wife worth another shot? I love my wife immensely. Always have. That is kind of the crux of why I posted this in the 1st place. I lost some respect for myself by not making her pay the ultimate consequence for betraying me yet at least the kids haven't paid that price. I guess I feel somewhat better knowing what she is like when I am not around and seeing him direct and acting like he doesn't exist helps. Maybe he lied to me but if it wasn't true he didn't have to say that either. He has been pretty honest with me with all that I was able to check out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted October 18, 2016 Share Posted October 18, 2016 I love my wife immensely. Always have. That is kind of the crux of why I posted this in the 1st place. I lost some respect for myself by not making her pay the ultimate consequence for betraying me yet at least the kids haven't paid that price. I guess I feel somewhat better knowing what she is like when I am not around and seeing him direct and acting like he doesn't exist helps. Maybe he lied to me but if it wasn't true he didn't have to say that either. He has been pretty honest with me with all that I was able to check out. It appears that the OM is doing what he is supposed to be doing. How about your wife? How is she doing? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted October 18, 2016 Share Posted October 18, 2016 Whatever you do, work on yourself and be the best man you can be. Work out, eat healthy, reinvest in your old hobbies. Do the things for yourself that bring you some joy. I think if your wife sees you working on yourself and making yourself more emotionally independent she might just step up her own game and start working harder on herself. If she doesn't, you can divorce later on knowing that you will be okay by yourself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 40somethingGuy Posted October 19, 2016 Author Share Posted October 19, 2016 Whatever you do, work on yourself and be the best man you can be. Work out, eat healthy, reinvest in your old hobbies. Do the things for yourself that bring you some joy. I think if your wife sees you working on yourself and making yourself more emotionally independent she might just step up her own game and start working harder on herself. If she doesn't, you can divorce later on knowing that you will be okay by yourself. Great advice. I am in better shape now than I was in my 30s and I always will be the man I want to be. We really don't bicker anymore and a big part of that is that she is no longer manipulated by our son- she takes my side on parenting issues and supports me. Things looking up somewhat. Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 It appears that the OM is doing what he is supposed to be doing. How about your wife? How is she doing? Did you ever expose the A to the OMs betrayed wife? Why do you think your WW would bd driving down his street? I 'd think she would avoid going anywhere NEAR the OMs house. For dignity reasons at least. At worst WW may be trying to tease OM. But that's just me. Red flags everywhere lol. Lion Heart 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 I can't see why BS would stay in a marriage feeling this way. Either heal or bail, life's too short for anything else... Mr. Lucky Revenge of course. To give them a little taste of how it felt. I understand it totally. Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 Revenge of course. To give them a little taste of how it felt. I understand it totally. Lol revenge is all you got? Vengeance was more like it for me. But I mostly day dreamed of ALL the things I would love to do. Did NOTHING but ending it was a HUGE relief. This time is VERY confusing for BSs, ESPECIALLY when we get appropriate behaviours from WS at times. The triggers and emotions are all over the place. I praise LS but feel without LS I would've ended it ALOT sooner. Having guides of how to heal your M etc was hope but truly false hope for me. That's all on exWH. He just took more and more underground and he was hiding ALOT more than As! I wanted compensation actually. Restitution at best. But THE MOST striking information and guidance was to get all my ducks in a row. I continued this whilst concentrating on my own individual healing. Our MC had sacked us lol! As a M couple that is. But I left her and went to other ICs. GETTING YOUR ducks in a row is VITAL for any and all BSs. You gotta admit that past actions predict future. I trod my new path ONLY making decisions that would give ME FIRM footing moving forward either way. D or R. The very first thing was move ALL my money to my own account he had no access to. I had paid his last overblown credit card out DURING his (last lol) A. I was so pi$$ed about that. "Taking money under false pretenses" IS against the Law here. After an A the M contract is null and there are precedents of successful cases in similar situations to mine here. But the LOVELIEST information for me to LET IT GO somewhat lol was "The best revenge is to live a happy life". Because of exWH psyche he HATED to see me happy (Ref the cycle of violence here). The happier I became the more depressed and sinister his demeanour became. I just forged forward regardless. He had relegated himself into the "unnecessary" pile to me. I was simply indifferent to anything he said 99% of the time. But the unforeseen WONDERFUL moment for me came (and keep on coming) was when I'd returned from the most WONDERFUL month of my life travelling with my new bf. America, Canada and Switzerland etc...ExWH looked all smug and said "SO did this AMERICAN GUY turn out to be ALL you had imagined him to be?" "No" I said... ExWH grinned and looked VERY pleased with himself. I said "He was SOOOooooooo much MORE than I could have ever imagined :-)". Ever since then exWH has tried all and sundry to destroy this relationship. He can't. It's far too strong. It's AMAZING lol. So EXWH can really enjoy FB stalking and seeing his exW and her new boyfriend happily in love all over the world..I kinda love that. So lovely that EVERYBODY is so happy for us both. This kind of revenge is sweet. It's simply karma. He was driving his own karma and as he warned me "the karma bus was gonna hit me" and it HAS! LOL. Do nothing but focus on YOU. Get out of exWSs head ASAP. Fix YOUR life then reap the amazing rewards. Happy days Lion Heart 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 OP, This is very strange. You main source of verification of information seems to be the man who your wife was having sex with. I don't think too many therapist or "experts" would be recommending that as a very reliable source. When the stories match so perfectly it is usually BS. But you seem to have made up your mind that that is not important, that you will believe what is told and eat the **** sandwich over the kids. That is you right but is usually not to mentally healthy in the long run. Basically it sounds like you are counting on OM to notify you if your wife tries to contact him again or has contact. Very naive Link to post Share on other sites
Author 40somethingGuy Posted October 20, 2016 Author Share Posted October 20, 2016 Did you ever expose the A to the OMs betrayed wife? Why do you think your WW would bd driving down his street? I 'd think she would avoid going anywhere NEAR the OMs house. For dignity reasons at least. At worst WW may be trying to tease OM. But that's just me. Red flags everywhere lol. Lion Heart The OM lives on a corner of a busy street and we have to basically drive by his house to get to ours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 40somethingGuy Posted October 20, 2016 Author Share Posted October 20, 2016 OP, This is very strange. You main source of verification of information seems to be the man who your wife was having sex with. I don't think too many therapist or "experts" would be recommending that as a very reliable source. When the stories match so perfectly it is usually BS. But you seem to have made up your mind that that is not important, that you will believe what is told and eat the **** sandwich over the kids. That is you right but is usually not to mentally healthy in the long run. Basically it sounds like you are counting on OM to notify you if your wife tries to contact him again or has contact. Very naive A couple of things. They never had sex. It did not get to that point bc HE called it all off. My main source is the string of text messages themselves that of course I was not supposed to see. So, you do get to gauge what did and did not happen. They did talk about taking the EA physical and met to do that and that is when he did an about face and broke it off. It was all discussed in the texts I saw. I just made both of them separately fill in the blanks for me and on some things I asked questions I already had answers to in order to test their honesty with me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 A couple of things. They never had sex. It did not get to that point bc HE called it all off. Since only circumstances and the OM's unwillingness kept this from becoming a PA, do you look at this differently than if they'd actually gone through with it? Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
WilyWill Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 Since only circumstances and the OM's unwillingness kept this from becoming a PA, do you look at this differently than if they'd actually gone through with it? I've gotta second Mr. Lucky's analysis here. To me, my wife having sex with another man would be horrible. Even if she didn't have sex with him, her pleading desire to have sex with him would be 99% as bad. Do you see it differently? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 40somethingGuy Posted October 20, 2016 Author Share Posted October 20, 2016 I've gotta second Mr. Lucky's analysis here. To me, my wife having sex with another man would be horrible. Even if she didn't have sex with him, her pleading desire to have sex with him would be 99% as bad. Do you see it differently? NOPE. I see it as her having a PA all the way. The only thing is that I don't have to worry about his d*** germs all over inside my wife. Trust me that I made her pay for it too. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 How did she pay? is she showing any real remorse? When is someone moving? Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 I then found the text string between the two of them and saw 3688 messages which included nude photos of my wife sent to him, lots of talk about her telling him she wanted to f*** him or perform oral and lot of S&M talk.NOPE. I see it as her having a PA all the way. Explain to your wife why you feel the same about the affair as if they had sex. Tell her that cheating is all about intent. If she got raped where she had sex against her will, that would not be cheating, but if she had the intent to have sex when she went to the park, and only the other man turning her down is what prevented it from happening, then that is the same level of cheating as if her affair partner had said yes. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 NOPE. I see it as her having a PA all the way. The only thing is that I don't have to worry about his d*** germs all over inside my wife. Trust me that I made her pay for it too. And what is she doing to make you believe that if the next OM is not some honorable guy, and I use that term lightly, that she will not do it again. Making her pay is OK, but what is SHE doing to make you feel safe. You found the communications. She did not confess I believe. So basically she got caught and says shes sorry???? What is she doing VOLUNTARILY. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 Try is totally correct about that. It is basically the same. She would have screwed him if he had not said no. If you believe that story, and I may based on your conversations with her and her OM. But where are things now? What is she doing to help you heal? She was just so ripe to have an affair I would be worried that she would screw him later or someone else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 It seems like a huge red flag is not being given the attention it needs. She is a CSA victim. Remember her comment you are not taboo? Have you read any of downtown posts? He dealt primary with BPD but there is overlap. Understand that with some CSA victims safe becomes dangerous, dangerous becomes safe. That a part of them (particularly woman) look at sex as a way to punish themselves for ther victimhood. A part of them believes they deserve the pain, that they are sluts/whores etc and become self destructive. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 It seems like a huge red flag is not being given the attention it needs. She is a CSA victim. Remember her comment you are not taboo? Have you read any of downtown posts? He dealt primary with BPD but there is overlap. Understand that with some CSA victims safe becomes dangerous, dangerous becomes safe. That a part of them (particularly woman) look at sex as a way to punish themselves for ther victimhood. A part of them believes they deserve the pain, that they are sluts/whores etc and become self destructive. 40, To piggy back on this, if you read about women CSA victims, many use sex and the power they get from it to reclaim their feeling whole. Men abused them and now they can manipulate men with sex. That if it is the case if a lifelong problem that will not disappear. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Wife explained to me that he was 'the one that got away' from back in the day. The one that circumstances from past kept from getting closure. I don't want this to hijack the thread but he told her this time that he still could never be with her in a relationship that physical was the most he'd go (before he chickened out and broke it off) because my wife slept with his best friend and he could never commit to her. In fact, he twice actually asked my wife to hook him up with her bestie that is single. My wife was hurt. What I can't get over is how obsessed she was over this guy despite being completely disrespected that way. And I will say it- I do not know what is sexy about an obese 370 plus pound mound of hairy cellulite with yellow teeth and a so-so job? I am a good looking guy, in shape who has an excellent job and plenty of women compliment my dress and overall appearance. Wife told me that he was the only guy in the world who was even a threat to me and it turns out he lives around the corner. She told the therapist that she was no longer in love with him and the therapist told me that she believes my wife. I just don't know how someone can not see or hear from another for 15 years, immediately fall for them hard basically saying they always wondered what happened to them, have a texting based affair that was VERY steamy (S&M talk and lots of it) only to now say that they are over him now, this quickly. Lastly, I will add, that I have been getting home a little later since July (20 minutes later than usual) because there is a road that is now a toll and it affects the route I take by having more people on it. But, she got jealous about a month ago convinced that I was seeing someone else between getting off work and getting home. This is when I was pulling away and not pursuing her. She got real concerned. Funny that she was worried I was cheating when she and I knew what she was up to. Regarding the bolded portion above... After much soul searching and thinking about this issue, I've since come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter at ALL what you look like. People who choose to cheat do so for their own personal needs and it most of the time has nothing to do with what you look like, how you dress, how you behave. Sometime it does, sure... but oftentimes that is the excuse that the cheaters use to explain their behavior. Ultimately, it's about their need to have what they want in that moment. You could be the most handsome man in the world and it won't stop someone from cheating if they want to badly enough. I do think the affair with him wasn't about what he looks like now, it was about the feelings she had for him 15 years ago that she never let go of. I'd venture to guess that it had absolutely nothing to do with what you look like or what he looks like. Emotions are a powerful thing. They don't say "love is blind" for no reason. It sounds to me that you are well on your way to leaving this marriage. I wouldn't blame you if you did. Trust is very difficult to get back once lost. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 Hi 40something, where are you with things at present? I have'nt been able to decipher the term CSA so I can't really assess as yo what impact this has on your wife and how she behaves with regard to your marriage. However, with everything that you have discovered about your wife's affair it seems to me to be extremely difficult for you to be able to reconcile with her or even to be I'm the same space as her. The degree of disrespect for you is horrendous and howsoever she tries to explain it away, the raw facts cannot be camouflaged by her to make this look like something it isn't. If you can swallow your pride and take the massive blow to your manhood then so be it. However in my opinion you would be much better off by freeing yourself of some one who can literally bite the hand that feeds her. You have nothing to lose except useless baggage and everything to gain by divorcing her and becoming a free man again. From what you have written about yourself, I think you will face little problem in hooking up with some one with little or no baggage and who is wholesome and will be true to you. Just think about it Cheers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
doyathinkso Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 CSA is the acronym for Childhood Sexual Abuse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 40somethingGuy Posted October 24, 2016 Author Share Posted October 24, 2016 Hi 40something, where are you with things at present? I have'nt been able to decipher the term CSA so I can't really assess as yo what impact this has on your wife and how she behaves with regard to your marriage. However, with everything that you have discovered about your wife's affair it seems to me to be extremely difficult for you to be able to reconcile with her or even to be I'm the same space as her. The degree of disrespect for you is horrendous and howsoever she tries to explain it away, the raw facts cannot be camouflaged by her to make this look like something it isn't. If you can swallow your pride and take the massive blow to your manhood then so be it. However in my opinion you would be much better off by freeing yourself of some one who can literally bite the hand that feeds her. You have nothing to lose except useless baggage and everything to gain by divorcing her and becoming a free man again. From what you have written about yourself, I think you will face little problem in hooking up with some one with little or no baggage and who is wholesome and will be true to you. Just think about it Cheers. I did not react the way I thought I would in this situation but I wasn't going to have a knee jerk reaction. I thought long and hard about balancing launching her vs not being there every day for my kids. Now, if the marriage was going to be forever crap then staying was not best for the kids but I had a timeline in place to see if and when we'd heal. I can see her drawing closer to me a little more every day. I am satisfied that the AP and her are over. Now, I still snoop but overall pleased with what I am seeing and not seeing. A month ago she collapsed at my feet and balled her eyes out for all the crap she did and that I was the only person her whole life who truly loved her and supported her (her parents were garbage). We are more intimate than before. There are some things that are not the greatest yet but overall the past 2 month or so have been really good and am willing to see if she continues to let us build. She knows that I will have a quick hook if the bs ever comes back but I too will do a better job of protecting the relationship. My choice to stick this out was not easy and one that not everyone in my life understood. Maybe it burns me but if it does, then I know to move on without regret. I am in control of this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 NOPE. I see it as her having a PA all the way. The only thing is that I don't have to worry about his d*** germs all over inside my wife. Trust me that I made her pay for it too. A full screen STI and STD check with your family GP works wonders for your peace of mind 40. Your WW and YOU. Her being THAT desperate that was PLEADING? omg no wonder you're so disgusted. It's all disgusting anyway though each little ELEMENT of WWs actions is why IMO it's critical to know the details of As. How else are you to really KNOW who you married. What they are capable of right under your nose. Lion Heart Link to post Share on other sites
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