Coping with wife's affair with neighbor that turns out

[40somethingGuy]

...is her ex lover for about 5 years from 1995-2000 (before we met). Basically last September she had a very 'OMG..holy crap' moment when we went to our son's 1st cub scout meeting and he ran into the Den Mom's husband and was shocked beyond belief to see this guy. She introduced him to me as a 'friend of a friend that sometimes hung out with the same group of people in high school and college.' She even accidently left her purse at the meeting. Not long after her attitude changed for the worse and became distant and cold towards me. About 3 months later she told me that guy and her were going to meet for lunch to catch up. I protested that was inappropriate since who needs to have catch up meetings with 'friend of friend' acquainances? She went anyways but not b4 accusing me of being 'insecure' and 'what kind of person do I think she is to pursue a married father of 3?'

 

 

The time after they met for lunch in late January she all of a sudden went from cold to horny, fun, positive, and warm. I loved being with her and around her. It was like the way she was the first few years together. We have been married 10 years and together 13 and it reminded me of the days before we had kids and things got more stressful in our lives and careers. I was happy again and so thankful she got out of her funk. She was not trying to push me away anymore. However, I was bothered by her constantly having her phone on her like a body part. She was texting all the time and it was getting suspicious. One day I went in her phone to prove I was being paranoid and saw a text with her bestie referring to this guy, our neighbor, as an ex boyfriend. I then found the text string between the two of them and saw 3688 messages which included nude photos of my wife sent to him, lots of talk about her telling him she wanted to f*** him or perform oral and lot of S&M talk.

 

 

I confronted him and freaked him out good. He told me all I asked and then some. Apparently after Easter he got in a fight with his wife and he and my wife decided to start a physical affair. They would meet from time to time over their lunch breaks (on days when my wife didn't meet me for lunch) and this time met in a park to get it on. It was then when he, not my wife, broke it off and told her they were done despite protests from my wife not to completely break it off. (I actually read the texts and discovered what was going on 4 days later after he broke it off).

 

 

We are doing a lot better today but I am still hurt by all this. I could be fine but I have to drive by that guys house every day and when I see him outside I get angry. We just wrapped up therapy and I know that I have had all the therapy I can do. I am much better now but the pain wont forever go away. Thankfully, my wife is now open to moving but for other reasons. However, I find myself wondering if I am making a mistake staying. I am in my early 40s and am a good looking guy who stays in shape. I cant' get over how disgusted I am that she would pursue a married father of 3. Plus, and I know this sounds petty, but he is disgusting. Obese, hairy, and smokes and chews- pretty much exactly what my wife detests. Except for him it is sexy. I do feel somewhat like I lost some respect for myself by not launching her but I didn't want to hurt our kids either by forcing a divorce. Things are better for sure and we have healed a lot. Yet, I wonder if I just deserve so much better than this. Note that in front of the therapist and my wife I stated that I was to a point where I think about walking a lot and wonder what my next wife will be like. I let her know that her stated assumption that I would not leave so I wouldn't have to deal with a divorce was the wrong assumption and I question if I am stupid for keeping her. I let her know I often fantasize being with someone better- that is when her attitude turned better. I have been keeping tabs on phone records and such and she has been clean since then with no suspicious calls or texts. So on the surface I survived this but I just want to make sure I am doing what is right for me. And if I am going to move on, I want to enjoy some prime years with that someone else.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed would your wife be so accepting and forgiving as you have been? She humiliated and disrespected you in the worst possible way and put your health at risk for STD's. You know that there had to be times that you were intimate with her after she had been with him.

 

In addition, she tried to make you look stupid and insecure for being concerned and was willing to continue this and begged the OM not to break it off. She clearly picked him over you.

 

The bottom line is that your wife played you for a complete fool and clearly showed that she has no respect for you and your marriage and had no problem lying to your face.

 

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?

[NTV]

Have you heard of a postnup?

[40somethingGuy]

If the roles were reversed would your wife be so accepting and forgiving as you have been? She humiliated and disrespected you in the worst possible way and put your health at risk for STD's. You know that there had to be times that you were intimate with her after she had been with him.

 

In addition, she tried to make you look stupid and insecure for being concerned and was willing to continue this and begged the OM not to break it off. She clearly picked him over you.

 

The bottom line is that your wife played you for a complete fool and clearly showed that she has no respect for you and your marriage and had no problem lying to your face.

 

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?

 

I did not clarify. The time they went to the park was the first time they got together to physically get it on. No sex happened and that I know. He cut it off b4 getting to that point. He just played with her boobs over the shirt. Both said the same thing but wife admitted she likely would have do everything it if he let it get to that point. There were times when she told him they have to.pause from texting while her and I had sex though.

[Mr. Lucky]

We just wrapped up therapy and I know that I have had all the therapy I can do.

 

 

I'm going to respectfully offer that the above isn't true. As Yoda would say, "the anger is strong with this one", and rightfully so. But you're trying to compress 3-5 years of necessary healing into 3-5 months, not going to happen.

 

 

Is IC an option for you?

 

 

Mr. Lucky

[Bryanp]

Thanks for the clarification.

I wish you luck.

[Grapesofwrath]

40: You have been through a lot, and there is still a lot to process. Has your wife shown remorse? True remorse? Even if she has, it's difficult to buy it from someone who was caught in the affair, as opposed to someone who confesses on their own.

 

These are still early days. It's hard to know what to do at this point. Don't quit therapy just yet. You have a lot more to work through. If you insist that therapy is something you can't do right now, then consider reading some of the books recommended on this site. They will help a lot.

[DKT3]

Dude, your gone. You can't fix your marriage because you don't want her anymore. At this point you have two options, stay show your kids an example of a loveless marriage or leave allow them to adjust and maybe see both parents happy and healthy.

 

Better kids be from a broken home then to live in one

[road]

WW's are known to trickle truth so I would have WW polygraph tested.

 

 

Also it is a must to move far away from the OM for you will never heal seeing the OM and you risk that WW can relapse back into the affair because see will be running into and seeing the OM just as you are.

[BluesPower]

I gotta say, you have a lot of healing to do. You don't realize it yet, but you will.

 

You really need to take your time deciding what to do. You don't have to divorce if you don't want to, but you have time to decide.

 

I am wondering if your wife has had any other affairs that your don't know about, regardless of what she says.

 

And her not wanting to end it is a HUGE problem. I think you may want to get a list of questions together, questions that you have spent some real time thinking about, and schedule a polygraph. Of course, don't tell her until you are driving to the test, and see what happens. It may give you some more information and clarity.

 

But for sure, like the other posters have said, you are trying to compress years of healing and processing into months. It is just not possible.

 

I think you really need to look at your wife's current actions, not her words, and take your time to heal and figure things out.

 

Good luck...

[Try]

is her ex lover for about 5 years from 1995-2000 (before we met). Basically last September she had a very 'OMG..holy crap' moment when we went to our son's 1st cub scout meeting and he ran into the Den Mom's husband and was shocked beyond belief to see this guy. She introduced him to me as a 'friend of a friend that sometimes hung out with the same group of people in high school and college.' She even accidently left her purse at the meeting. Not long after her attitude changed for the worse and became distant and cold towards me.

She lied and told you that her "ex lover for about 5 years" was just a "friend of a friend" because right from the very start she wanted to explore the possibility of a romantic relationship with him. Her leaving her purse was so that she could go see him again without you around. She grew cold to you when the emotional affair stage of the relationship began.

 

 

About 3 months later she told me that guy and her were going to meet for lunch to catch up. I protested that was inappropriate since who needs to have catch up meetings with 'friend of friend' acquainances? She went anyways but not b4 accusing me of being 'insecure' and 'what kind of person do I think she is to pursue a married father of 3?'

You were not "insecure" to protest the lunches, because as it turned out she is the kind of person that would pursue a married father of 3". Deep down inside your gut told you this. Next time trust your gut.

 

 

One day I went in her phone to prove I was being paranoid and saw a text with her bestie referring to this guy, our neighbor, as an ex boyfriend. I then found the text string between the two of them and saw 3688 messages which included nude photos of my wife sent to him, lots of talk about her telling him she wanted to f*** him or perform oral and lot of S&M talk.

"Nude photos" and talking about sex is 100% proof of at least a full on deep emotional affair (EA). Despite what they say, the odds of sex is very a strong possibility, but as a liar and a cheat, she will never admit it. Worse yet, the fact that she discussed it with her "bestie" is humiliating and disrespectful of you. Another thing, your wife's bestie is what is called a toxic friend since she was a willing part of the affair cover-up, and is thus not a friend of the marriage; if you do decide to stay in the marriage, one of the consequences is that she must not only go full no contact with her affair partner, but also with the toxic bestie. If she does not agree to this, dump her.

 

 

my wife decided to start a physical affair. They would meet from time to time over their lunch breaks (on days when my wife didn't meet me for lunch) and this time met in a park to get it on. It was then when he, not my wife, broke it off and told her they were done despite protests from my wife not to completely break it off. (I actually read the texts and discovered what was going on 4 days later after he broke it off).

Before deciding if you will stay in the marriage, you need to understand that the odds are high that they had sex. Almost all cheaters lie about and minimize the sex. You may never know the truth, since now that you know that she is a liar and a cheat, you can no longer ever take her at her word, since trust is forever gone from your marriage.

 

 

I could be fine but I have to drive by that guys house every day and when I see him outside I get angry. We just wrapped up therapy and I know that I have had all the therapy I can do. I am much better now but the pain wont forever go away. Thankfully, my wife is now open to moving but for other reasons.

The fact that she did not care how much pain it caused you to have her affair partner (AP) and former 5 year boyfriend as your neighbor, and only agreed to move for "other reasons" speaks volumes about her lack of remorse. It also showed that she wanted to make it easier for her resume the affair if she could get her AP to agree to it again. This would be the number one and number two reasons why I would not stay married to her.

 

I let her know that her stated assumption that I would not leave so I wouldn't have to deal with a divorce was the wrong assumption and I question if I am stupid for keeping her.

As long as you are still with her, her assumption was right that you are all talk. It takes most cheated on spouses years of effort to learn to cope with an affair. Yet after only a few months, she wants to rug sweep this without there being any real long term consequences. She still has her toxic friend, and she did not want to move from being next door to her lover if the only reason for doing so was that you were in pain.

 

In answer to your main question, yes you can do better, and should.

[Friskyone4u]

40,

 

You are not being realistic if you believe that these two adults met regularly and have not had sex. And this guy is in close proximity.

 

Now maybe for financial reasons you can't move. But right now you have no ****ing idea of whether or not you have the truth and she is not to be trusted. That did not work too well for you.

 

If OM did not breaks it off she be banging him as I write this every chance she got.

 

So right now you are on limbo land and will stay there until you get the truth.

 

So tell your wife you have no reason to believe anything she tells you and that she needs to pass a polygraph that verifies there is no more out there that she has not told you. Her reaction alone will tell you a lot.

 

And if you have an MC that is telling you to rugsweep this get rid of them. You do not do MC until you are CONVINCED you have the entire truth.

[Marc878]

Accept reality. If you were going to make a change you would have done it by now. You have buyers remourse but you'll learn to live with it.

 

Look up codependency and read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download if you're actually interested in fixing yourself.

[flowergirl14]

There are a lot of women in your age range who do not cheat, have never cheated and dont intend too. I often wonder if there are men like this to? Reading too many infidelity posts can make it seem like everyone is a cheater. That being said I dont think its good to develop a "grass is greener" notion. Rather, decide what is exceptable to you. What kind of people do you want in your life. I wonder why we chose to stay with those who have so grievously betrayed us? If they were a friend, buisness partner, relative we would step back and protect ourselves.

[redbaron007]

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I am in my early 40s and am a good looking guy who stays in shape. I cant' get over how disgusted I am that she would pursue a married father of 3. Plus, and I know this sounds petty, but he is disgusting. Obese, hairy, and smokes and chews- pretty much exactly what my wife detests. Except for him it is sexy. I do feel somewhat like I lost some respect for myself by not launching her but I didn't want to hurt our kids either by forcing a divorce.

You're not doing your kids a favor by staying in the marriage if you fantasize about how it would be with other women. Kids are far more intuitive than you give them credit for. Don't "stay for the kids", it's a fallacy and kids will see through it over the years.

 

My personal opinion is that "reconciliation" is as meaningless a word as "collateral damage". It means a BH keeps eating a sh*t sandwich, all the while hoping that it will eventually taste like a steak sandwich, which it never will.

 

You can do better. Good luck!

[merrmeade]

Two things stand out in the worst way possible for me:

I let her know I often fantasize being with someone better- that is when her attitude turned better.

This means her motivation is influenced from the outside in..

There were times when she told him they have to.pause from texting while her and I had sex though.

But I think this would be the worst for me. I can,,,'t even comment I feel so bad for you: "Oh hang on while I go f--- my husband" and the tradeoffs.

 

I really think that, since you're leaning easily toward it, you need to go with your gut, H

[40somethingGuy]

She lied and told you that her "ex lover for about 5 years" was just a "friend of a friend" because right from the very start she wanted to explore the possibility of a romantic relationship with him. Her leaving her purse was so that she could go see him again without you around. She grew cold to you when the emotional affair stage of the relationship began.

 

 

You were not "insecure" to protest the lunches, because as it turned out she is the kind of person that would pursue a married father of 3". Deep down inside your gut told you this. Next time trust your gut.

 

 

"Nude photos" and talking about sex is 100% proof of at least a full on deep emotional affair (EA). Despite what they say, the odds of sex is very a strong possibility, but as a liar and a cheat, she will never admit it. Worse yet, the fact that she discussed it with her "bestie" is humiliating and disrespectful of you. Another thing, your wife's bestie is what is called a toxic friend since she was a willing part of the affair cover-up, and is thus not a friend of the marriage; if you do decide to stay in the marriage, one of the consequences is that she must not only go full no contact with her affair partner, but also with the toxic bestie. If she does not agree to this, dump her.

 

 

Before deciding if you will stay in the marriage, you need to understand that the odds are high that they had sex. Almost all cheaters lie about and minimize the sex. You may never know the truth, since now that you know that she is a liar and a cheat, you can no longer ever take her at her word, since trust is forever gone from your marriage.

 

 

The fact that she did not care how much pain it caused you to have her affair partner (AP) and former 5 year boyfriend as your neighbor, and only agreed to move for "other reasons" speaks volumes about her lack of remorse. It also showed that she wanted to make it easier for her resume the affair if she could get her AP to agree to it again. This would be the number one and number two reasons why I would not stay married to her.

 

As long as you are still with her, her assumption was right that you are all talk. It takes most cheated on spouses years of effort to learn to cope with an affair. Yet after only a few months, she wants to rug sweep this without there being any real long term consequences. She still has her toxic friend, and she did not want to move from being next door to her lover if the only reason for doing so was that you were in pain.

 

In answer to your main question, yes you can do better, and should.

I do appreciate your response. The reason I am confident on what did and did not happen is because I took her phone and read the text string before she could delete it. It gave me the entire conversation over time. What is funny is that they never talked on the phone at all- everything was in writing. When she was dumped she said, 'can't we be friends, I don't want to lose a friend especially when we never f***ed?' Make no mistake she let him know about 5 times over time she was game. He talked really big in texts and was very timid and reserved in person. They went to lunch 3 times, the park once. That is all as far as being together. With the kids around, there was no way she was having him at our house or her at his. I also tested him by asking him lots of stuff to see what matched her story and not. He was very truthful from all I read and what she said. He was sick about the fact he did this. I did tell him he was my b***h and if I find out any lies he will hate the consequences.

[40somethingGuy]

There are a lot of women in your age range who do not cheat, have never cheated and dont intend too. I often wonder if there are men like this to? Reading too many infidelity posts can make it seem like everyone is a cheater. That being said I dont think its good to develop a "grass is greener" notion. Rather, decide what is exceptable to you. What kind of people do you want in your life. I wonder why we chose to stay with those who have so grievously betrayed us? If they were a friend, buisness partner, relative we would step back and protect ourselves.

 

If no kids were involved she would have been launched the minute I found out. When I busted her she fell to the ground like puddy and cried and apologized profusely. She had a lot of guilt. I think some of it was she was shocked she got caught. Basically at that point I took control and told her how it was going to be. I realized that when you have two young boys that look up to you and the thought of them not being there when you come home every day made me sick. It made me think it is best to give this a try and see how it goes before subjecting them and me to that kind of pain. Her and I don't fight much and actually had a pretty solid marriage before this happened. I never considered being with anyone else and infidelity was not a big concern. And just to clarify with another post on here- she had no idea he was in the neighborhood until the Cub Scout meeting. We both lived in our respective homes 6 years and she had no clue he was there. Some kind of luck for me, right?

[kgcolonel]

So i am confused, you referenced that their meet up at the park was only kissing and over the shirt touching....did they have other meetings where they actually had sex or was this the only meeting they had that you know of?

[Just a Guy]

Hi 40something, guess you are living on borrowed time. Apparently your wife is not remorseful and if you escaped the bullet this time, you won't the next time round. You indulged in a lot of loose talk when you said at your counselling sessions that you were fantasizing about life with someone else. The fact is that you did not walk the talk and so your talk was cheap. Have you informed the other BS about what was going on? Maybe your wife's lover boy would be mortified when he feels the heat on his own marriage. Your wife of course is completely unreliable. Something to think about.

[40somethingGuy]

So i am confused, you referenced that their meet up at the park was only kissing and over the shirt touching....did they have other meetings where they actually had sex or was this the only meeting they had that you know of?

 

I verified this on Google location history- the only meetups were 3 lunches during the noon hour. Then, he texted that he wanted more and they discussed starting a physical relationship slowly to see what would happen. They then met up a 4th time at the park. Both say they didn't even kiss. He played with her boobs some but then said he couldn't do this and it wasn't right and it was over. Kind of strange and kind of hard to believe. But the texts I read (and obviously were not supposed to read) did confirm that.

[40somethingGuy]

one of the things I am doing is totally trying to heal as fast as I can. Most days are much better now but something minor does sometimes set me off. I am sincerely trying my best to make it work and if it isn't good enough for her then fine...she will be launched. Basically, I am hoping for the best but also protecting myself by giving myself permission to be treated the way I want to be treated or I will find someone else. And if she feels things are much better and happier (which she has said lately) for her and I am not all there then I guess it will be my turn to rock her world turning it upside down. It may sound cold but this ordeal changed me a lot and I will stand strong in the end regardless.

[harrybrown]

so what are her consequences for the A?

 

nude photos, lunches and she goes to counseling?

 

Have you told her parents and yours? Have you told the OM's wife?

 

Did you do a DNA test on the kids? get her tested for stds?

 

Sounds like she got to have her lunches, go to the park, she was for him emotionally. She lied to you and went with him when you requested that she not go?

 

You can't trust her. Has she signed a post nup? what about her other Affairs?

 

You assume she only had the one? she got caught on this one.

 

So how is she going to prove to you that she has stopped this A and all her other affairs? How will she prove that she respects you? No actions happened. her parents - do they know? Your family - do they know?

 

you will not nice her out of affairs by rugsweeping. what will she do to prove to you that she has stopped lying and cheating?

 

did you have her sell the house and move? Did she confess to the OM's wife?

 

did you go to affair recovery ? has she read how to help your spouse heal from her affair? did she read not just friends?

 

Good luck to you and your kids. You can not trust her or any thing she says. Her actions are showing you she wanted to play more.

 

Does she have webwatcher on her phone and her burner phone? voice recorder in the house and her car?

[merrmeade]

Umm, most of us experienced this -

When I busted her she fell to the ground like puddy and cried and apologized profusely. She had a lot of guilt. I think some of it was she was shocked she got caught.

- and rest assured that not SOME of it but ALL of it was because she got caught. Believe me: Her imagination was preoccupied; she wasted little time imagining she'd get caught. That's why it was a shock.

 

And you're not the first to think this:

Her and I don't fight much and actually had a pretty solid marriage before this happened.

Fact is that when you assumed she was your same "faithful" companion as always, you were wrong. I'm not being adversarial; just saying you might be surprised to discover some or a lot of your previous assumptions about her and your marriage were in your head but not hers. Sorry.

 

One last thing: You explained your evidence and why you feel convinced about 'how far' they went. That's enough time spent on convincing us imo. You have other things to work out besides that. :/

[flowergirl14]

If no kids were involved she would have been launched the minute I found out. When I busted her she fell to the ground like puddy and cried and apologized profusely. She had a lot of guilt. I think some of it was she was shocked she got caught. Basically at that point I took control and told her how it was going to be. I realized that when you have two young boys that look up to you and the thought of them not being there when you come home every day made me sick. It made me think it is best to give this a try and see how it goes before subjecting them and me to that kind of pain. Her and I don't fight much and actually had a pretty solid marriage before this happened. I never considered being with anyone else and infidelity was not a big concern. And just to clarify with another post on here- she had no idea he was in the neighborhood until the Cub Scout meeting. We both lived in our respective homes 6 years and she had no clue he was there. Some kind of luck for me, right?

 

Just a note..I too stayed for myself and kids. I have always loved my h and kids. Family means everything to me. Of course, i was going to try everything. But as it turned out my husband's one time cheating wasnt one time but many. He was the last person i would have thought to do it. Because in other areas of his life he rode the moral high horse. Just keep your eyes WIDE open. Often there is way more than we know about. More affairs in the past or future.