Author NJ123 Posted October 13, 2016 Author Share Posted October 13, 2016 I tend to agree with this.. Use your "deal breakers" as a guild line rather then the 10 commandments of dating your 1st post actually reminds me alot of a guy I know hes now in his mid 40s and still looking for miss perfect in the meantime hes miserable and becoming jaded and angry more and more each day...I I dont know to me the connection I make with a person is more important then checking off some premade stock list of must haves long as there is some attraction and they mesh well with my general over all mind set then im happy.. Well, most of the ones I listed are not negotiable at all. I just would be turned off right away if for instance she said she's still friends with her exes or guys shes slept with, or is a chain smoker, or said she likes to go out drinking every weekend. Just all turn offs. Link to post Share on other sites
Sunkissedpatio Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 Well, having a lot of casual sex/sex partners, lying while in a relationship, being overweight, partying a lot, a lot of male friends/friends with exes or friends with ex sexual partners, having a kid/kids, cheating in the past are all complete deal breakers to me. They wouldn't be negotiable. The few other ones there could be some exceptions to them but they're not really ideal to me. Ok but why are we discussing what are and are not your dealbreakers? lol I thought your OP was questioning how to be more accepting of your deal breakers then? I don't get your question or why you would want to find ways to compromise on your deal breakers? It doesn't matter what the context of each person's dealbreaker is that's a personal thing and differs from person to person. I guess I am wondering why you are asking "is there a way to be more accepting of said dealbreakers?" Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 It really depends on what it was. If it was something like she smokes occasionally than yeah, that wouldn't be a problem at all. This is an example of where I think your list gets a little into the "none of your business" territory and could backfire. It's a slippery slope when you ask someone to share with you exactly how many cigarettes she smokes, and how often - and then make the judgement on whether that is too much for you, on the borderline, or just fine. Same goes for her "number." She isn't sharing those things with you in order for you to judge her. Just get to know whomever, and find out that way if her sexual values are in line with yours. Better yet, just go for a non smoker, and look for a virgin. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NJ123 Posted October 14, 2016 Author Share Posted October 14, 2016 This is an example of where I think your list gets a little into the "none of your business" territory and could backfire. It's a slippery slope when you ask someone to share with you exactly how many cigarettes she smokes, and how often - and then make the judgement on whether that is too much for you, on the borderline, or just fine. Same goes for her "number." She isn't sharing those things with you in order for you to judge her. Just get to know whomever, and find out that way if her sexual values are in line with yours. Better yet, just go for a non smoker, and look for a virgin. Well, obviously I'd have to get to know them first & see what type of person they are in terms of their sexual values are & such. For instance, I had a woman recently tell me on Tinder that I was talking to that she went on over 30 dates in the past year alone & that turned me off from her being relationship material if I'm being honest. As sad as it is to judge, the odds are if she's going on that many dates I assumed she likely slept with quite a bit of them judging by a few other things during our conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise Posted October 18, 2016 Share Posted October 18, 2016 Nothing wrong with wanting someone with similar values. However where I think you will get into trouble is quantifying those values. Are you planning to ask every girl you date her "number" and what portion of that was casual? And then compare to your criteria? I don't see those conversations going well. With more dating experience you won't need this type of criteria- you'll be able to get a feel for someone's values, and decide whether or not they are trustworthy and compatible- through regular interaction. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NJ123 Posted October 19, 2016 Author Share Posted October 19, 2016 Nothing wrong with wanting someone with similar values. However where I think you will get into trouble is quantifying those values. Are you planning to ask every girl you date her "number" and what portion of that was casual? And then compare to your criteria? I don't see those conversations going well. With more dating experience you won't need this type of criteria- you'll be able to get a feel for someone's values, and decide whether or not they are trustworthy and compatible- through regular interaction. Well, I don't think I could ever flat out ask how many guys she's been with. But I'd feel over time I'd likely find out about her values. It's just a turn off for me personally for a woman to have been with dozens of guys in the past. There's also more of a risk of STDs as well as having a few of those guys still in her life which would be another instant deal breaker. Link to post Share on other sites
Wade Lamare Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 Yes pretty much so. I was just expecting people to get on my case about the whole casual sex/sex partner preference I have. I'd never expect a woman to be a virgin, just would prefer for her to not be bed hopping from guy to guy where she's been with a lot of men. Well at least you'd know she probably rather likes sex! Link to post Share on other sites
Author NJ123 Posted October 19, 2016 Author Share Posted October 19, 2016 Well at least you'd know she probably rather likes sex! Yeah, but it's just an instant turn off for me for someone to have sex with so many different people. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 So I listed my deal breakers of what I'd want in a person for a relationship on another forum & it seems a lot of people think that I'm way too picky & that I'd likely end up alone with those requirements. How do you force yourself to be okay with things that you really aren't okay with in another person? Sure, people do that all the time because they are desperate to have a relationship at their own expense. People stay in relationships in which they are not entirely happy but the complain about feeling like they are alone. I'd rather be alone and lonely than be with someone and lonely . . . Link to post Share on other sites
Author NJ123 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Share Posted October 20, 2016 Sure, people do that all the time because they are desperate to have a relationship at their own expense. People stay in relationships in which they are not entirely happy but the complain about feeling like they are alone. I'd rather be alone and lonely than be with someone and lonely . . . This is true. I just don't get how people do it though. I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt of knowing I don't really care to be with them but just stick with them due to not wanting to be single. It doesn't make any sense to me. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 Well, obviously I'd have to get to know them first & see what type of person they are in terms of their sexual values are & such. For instance, I had a woman recently tell me on Tinder that I was talking to that she went on over 30 dates in the past year alone & that turned me off from her being relationship material if I'm being honest. As sad as it is to judge, the odds are if she's going on that many dates I assumed she likely slept with quite a bit of them judging by a few other things during our conversation. Maybe they were first meetings from OLD. 30 in the course of a year wouldn't be that many for a lot of attractive women. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NJ123 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Share Posted October 20, 2016 Maybe they were first meetings from OLD. 30 in the course of a year wouldn't be that many for a lot of attractive women. Seriously? Can others verify that going on that many dates in a year is considered average? That just seems like a whole lot of dates to go on in the course of a year. That averages out to more than 1 every 2 weeks. Just seems maybe they're a bit desperate or aren't that into finding someone for a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 Seriously? Can others verify that going on that many dates in a year is considered average? That just seems like a whole lot of dates to go on in the course of a year. That averages out to more than 1 every 2 weeks. Just seems maybe they're a bit desperate or aren't that into finding someone for a relationship. Maybe they hadn't found anyone yet that inspired them to get into a relationship. In any case, you already determined that her number of dates was a turn off for you. I was just pointing out that she is not necessarily sexually adventurous. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 Hi Folks, having scanned this thread I get the feeling that the OP has created a deal breaker rule book as a shield to protect himself against getting involved with anyone. It seems to me to be a completely negative approach and not likely to result in the OP ever having a happy and sustainable relationship with anyone. I think in the matter of finding one's life partner one has to sometimes make a leap of faith. What should work in favour of the OP is that if he is looking for someone compatible then the adage " Birds of a feather flock together" although sometimes opposites attract each other. The OP cannot very well hang a board round his neck with his deal breakers listed boldly and then go looking for suitable partners. He would be shunned by one and all. Maybe he will be the biggest deal breaker for any girl as she would find him rigid and unattractive to be with. If one starts out with a negative mindset as the OP, in my opinion has, he is not going to get very far with his search. Someone with so many hang ups at the outset is going to find the going tough. Instead of that I would advise the OP to go out into the world with an open mind and no preconceived notions of what a person should be like and she where his destiny takes him. So I guess I am saying that his list of deal breakers makes him the biggest deal breaker of all. Cheers to all and sundry! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NJ123 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Share Posted October 20, 2016 Maybe they hadn't found anyone yet that inspired them to get into a relationship. In any case, you already determined that her number of dates was a turn off for you. I was just pointing out that she is not necessarily sexually adventurous. True, maybe she isn't, but I just thought 30 something dates in the course of a year is quite a lot in general regardless of how attractive they are. Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 True, maybe she isn't, but I just thought 30 something dates in the course of a year is quite a lot in general regardless of how attractive they are. It's less than 3 dates a month. You're holding this over someone, seriously? For socially active people this is nothing. I'm beginning to think your biggest handicap is having no idea how most people function and socialise. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NJ123 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Share Posted October 20, 2016 It's less than 3 dates a month. You're holding this over someone, seriously? For socially active people this is nothing. I'm beginning to think your biggest handicap is having no idea how most people function and socialise. Not true at all. My friend said he would be turned off by it too. And he has a very active social life. So it's probably dependent on the individual whether they think it's too many to them or not. I find it a bit ironic how now it's you that are generalizing people when I've been accused of it on here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NJ123 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Share Posted October 20, 2016 Hi Folks, having scanned this thread I get the feeling that the OP has created a deal breaker rule book as a shield to protect himself against getting involved with anyone. It seems to me to be a completely negative approach and not likely to result in the OP ever having a happy and sustainable relationship with anyone. I think in the matter of finding one's life partner one has to sometimes make a leap of faith. What should work in favour of the OP is that if he is looking for someone compatible then the adage " Birds of a feather flock together" although sometimes opposites attract each other. The OP cannot very well hang a board round his neck with his deal breakers listed boldly and then go looking for suitable partners. He would be shunned by one and all. Maybe he will be the biggest deal breaker for any girl as she would find him rigid and unattractive to be with. If one starts out with a negative mindset as the OP, in my opinion has, he is not going to get very far with his search. Someone with so many hang ups at the outset is going to find the going tough. Instead of that I would advise the OP to go out into the world with an open mind and no preconceived notions of what a person should be like and she where his destiny takes him. So I guess I am saying that his list of deal breakers makes him the biggest deal breaker of all. Cheers to all and sundry! It's like I can actually understand where you're coming from in some ways, but don't the vast majority of people have their own deal breakers? Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 Not true at all. My friend said he would be turned off by it too. And he has a very active social life. So it's probably dependent on the individual whether they think it's too many to them or not. I find it a bit ironic how now it's you that are generalizing people when I've been accused of it on here. Well I know I tonne of very socially active people who would go on more than one date a week. There was nothing wrong with them, if the fact they are in relationships or regularly have them, is anything to go by. I'm not going to argue with your worldview NJ, as I and many others have pointed out you seem to be on a mission to be single forever judging by your actions and attitudes. For a self-professed 'laid back' guy you sure do have an awful long list of stuff that bothers you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NJ123 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Share Posted October 20, 2016 Well I know I tonne of very socially active people who would go on more than one date a week. There was nothing wrong with them, if the fact they are in relationships or regularly have them, is anything to go by. I'm not going to argue with your worldview NJ, as I and many others have pointed out you seem to be on a mission to be single forever judging by your actions and attitudes. For a self-professed 'laid back' guy you sure do have an awful long list of stuff that bothers you. It just doesn't feel right to me personally to go on so many dates in such a short span of time. To each their own, but multiple dates in the same week it feels like you can't invest in them enough if you know you're looking forward to other dates within the next few days. But I guess what do I know. When I heard 30 something dates in past year I automatically thought that was really a lot. But to find out supposedly that's not even anywhere near a lot surprises me a lot. And my demenaor is laid back I meant where I don't have the outgoing sort of personality. And I just have to find a way to not let being single bother me so much since I have to focus on other things. I need to figure things out before being single for life becomes a high possibility. Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 Hi NJ123, how about coming up with a list of deal makers instead of deal breakers. That way you will have something positive to focus on rather than a list of negatives. For what it's worth the very fact that you had to come to a generic forum to get approval for your 'Deal breakers' seems to speak volumes about you as a person. I do not know what you're dating history has been like but I doubt very much that you have been very active in the dating arena. If you have so many hang ups before you have even ventured into the battlefield how can you successfully fight in battle as a foot soldier. Like I said come out with deal makers and maybe, just maybe, you might hit the lottery. Before that I would recommend that you have some sessions of IC to ascertain why you are so hung up on your deal breakers. By the way all this is to help you get your rocket to lift off! Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 It's like I can actually understand where you're coming from in some ways, but don't the vast majority of people have their own deal breakers? I'm sure this is going to sound harsh, but here goes: You can have as many deal breakers as you want to, but the reality of the situation is similar to me saying I refuse to accept an Oscar unless they recraft it in solid gold instead of gold plate ... when I haven't ever even worked in the film industry. What you need to do is get out and socializing with women before you figure out how to dismiss a boatload of them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fishfingersareyummy Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 What you need to do is get out and socializing with women before you figure out how to dismiss a boatload of them. I disagree, he should have a grasp of what type of woman he wants and then go for that type and adjust his criteria through trial and error. Link to post Share on other sites
AMJ Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 (edited) Seriously? Can others verify that going on that many dates in a year is considered average? That just seems like a whole lot of dates to go on in the course of a year. That averages out to more than 1 every 2 weeks. Just seems maybe they're a bit desperate or aren't that into finding someone for a relationship. Yes, 30 in a year is totally average! If I wanted to, I could go on 30 dates in a month. It's not like I keep a diary but I've probably been on nearly 20 dates since January. Look- your list of deal breakers is totally ridiculous. We all have deal-breakers. However, are you really going to tell me that you- someone who has a really difficult time dating women anyway- is going to dump a woman that you otherwise like everything about, just because you find out she had a few too many sex partners? Or because she is friends with one of her exes from ten years ago? With every one of your deal breakers, you are unlikely to learn that information before a first date. And most of that information would be totally out of line to ask on a first date or even a fifth date. It's so brutally obvious to everyone else except you, that you are creating these rules and standards about life and relationships that make it entirely impossible to reach your goals, which allows you to sit back complacently and do nothing constructive or productive to reach your goals, and instead feel justified in complaining that the world is a very cruel, unfair place. And everyone else knows that is not true. But you can choose to join the rest of the real world and work around your obstacles, find ways to compromise to get to your goals, or you can complain that this is all very difficult. You're not getting much sympathy because the rest of us out here actually ARE trying and it is really difficult to get what we want, too. But at least we are trying. Edited October 20, 2016 by AMJ 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 Seriously? Can others verify that going on that many dates in a year is considered average? That just seems like a whole lot of dates to go on in the course of a year. That averages out to more than 1 every 2 weeks. Just seems maybe they're a bit desperate or aren't that into finding someone for a relationship. Can you actually verify that it's because they are desperate or aren't interested in finding a relationship? Or are you just pulling that out of your negativity hat and deciding it's the reason? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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