Is there a way to force yourself to turn deal breakers into non deal breakers?

October 12, 2016

Well, usually that happens when you meet someone who is all wrong on paper but with whom you totally click. But you do have to be careful not to go totally blind and give up anything that could ruin your life in the way of a standard.

October 12, 2016

There isn't anything wrong with having a set of "guidelines" for yourself, your's isn't too bad. But, the fact is, that if you actually find someone who meets the majority of your conditions but is lacking in some of them and you are in love with them, you will forgo them. Have a couple requirements that are, let's say, hard-wired, must haves and some where there is a little wiggle room.

And, make sure there aren't any "double-standards" -- i.e. # of sexual partners. If you've had 20 and you are requiring a dating partner to only have had 2 or so, that's not cool.

October 12, 2016

I think you need to focus on meeting someone you will like and who likes you back. And then rethink your dealbreakers.

I agree. Look at who she is instead of what she has or had, did or does.

October 12, 2016

Well my thoughts are that if that is important to you then that is important to you. Yes it will make it harder for you to find a match but I am sure that there are non smoking, childless women in that age bracket who have not slept around a great deal...

It does all sound a bit judgmental but if you have issues with sex and smoking then actually its probably best you do not date people who hit those buttons...

Out of interest how old are you?

October 12, 2016

The problem with deal breakers is that they are OK when you are in your twenties when the choice is almost limitless and introducing a few inflexible filters does you no harm, but once you get into your thirties then you may be discounting good people over stuff that is perhaps not exactly what you want anyway.

For example:-

No kids - in the thirties many women with no kids do not want ever to have kids, so whilst you may have dodged the "looking after someone else's kids" bullet, the new problem you may have is that the she may not want kids, doesn't like kids or cannot have kids.

I am not saying ALL single women with no kids in their thirties, do not want them or cannot have them, but you may be seriously limiting your options if you make "kids" a deal breaker, if your intention is to have lots of kids in the future.

I get it that you do not want to be with someone who is sexually promiscuous but like most men I guess you want lots of sex in your relationship. Choosing a girl with her legs firmly crossed, may seem like you got a great deal, but that may backfire on you, if she is in her thirties with those legs still firmly crossed and she may want to keep them crossed for ever and ever...

Sexually liberated people may seem too scary for you, but you do not really want to get too hung up on virgins or near virgins in their thirties, as they may come with their own set of issues.

I think deal breakers can give a positive focus to dating and if you stick to them they can steer you away from trouble, but if they are too strict and you are turning away "good" people to be left with "not so good" people they may need reassessing and modifying, if you are to be successful.

October 12, 2016

Oh, this is easy. People do this every single day. You just date someone who is not your ideal anyway.

Then you justify it by saying things like "were just FWB" or "this is just temporary".

Then you just never break up even though you know they are not right for you and you're still hoping for something better.

October 12, 2016

Never had a FWB - I guess I could maybe be okay with it, but ideally would prefer they didn't have one. I think it's more so if they stay friends with them afterwards is what I'd have a problem with.

Only 1 or 2 casual sex partners at most - Could make exceptions but it would be a complete turn off to me if they've had a lot of casual sex.

No kids- complete deal breaker

Doesn't smoke - If they occasionally smoke I'd be okay with it, but I'd ideally prefer a person to not smoke at all.

Never cheated on anyone - complete deal breaker

Doesn't lie - I mean in the context of the actual relationship. I know the vast majority of people have lied in their life time about something but I mean in terms of lying to their partner about things.

Hardly any male friends/still friends with ex bfs/sexual partners - Still being friends with an ex bf or ex sexual partner is a complete deal breaker. I'd be perfectly fine with her having male friends just as long as there's no attraction on either side. I wouldn't be okay with her being around guy friends that clearly want to get into her pants.

A lot of sexual partners - Ideally maybe 15-20 at the very most. But I just personally wouldn't be okay with someone that's had a lot of different sexual partners.

Not really overweight - Women with curves I'm perfectly fine with where I find a lot of them to be really attractive. If she's really overweight though than there would be no attraction on my side.

Doesn't go out partying a lot/drinking a lot - I'm perfectly fine with someone drinking alcohol but not to the extent where they're always getting drunk/drinking a lot. And a woman that's into the partying lifestyle is a deal breaker completely.

No ****storm from me on any of those, I share all those deal breakers too, I don't think any of them are unreasonable.

I didn't have any problems meeting many people who fulfil all of them. They're mostly the same anyway, basically, don't be promiscuous.

It may also depend on your age range. If you're 40's then it's going to be more difficult than if you're 20's, simply because she'll have more history.

October 12, 2016

So your dealbreakers are things that have given you grief in the past. That's understandable I guess. I don't see why it's would cause a s hit storm. You just want someone who is true to themselves, confident/has self worth, share the same values, has integrity, takes care of themselves, and hasn't been through a divorce/kids, etc. Pretty much has their s hit together. Fair enough.

BUT you need to be all this yourself if you expect this from someone else. When you do, then you will attract this sort of person. If not, they won't see any compatibility and reject you. If you expect high value, you have to be high value yourself.

October 12, 2016

Not sure what your stats are, but nothing there sounds "unreasonable" or likely to cause a storm on forums for me. You might be severely limiting yourself if you're unwilling to compromise on ANY of them, but I don't think there's no one or that its entirely unrealistic either.

But for instance, say you met a girl, that is now 34, had a kid when she was 18, who's now 16 years old; but the girl meets ALL the other criteria, is that absolutely a deal breaker? By purposely avoiding even meeting people or considering them for a first or second date, based off the list of deal breakers, you might make your search much harder.

You also didn't mention religion, mentioned by others here, religion plays a big part in this, a lot of the religious ladies come with their own set of issues that aren't on here, but do meet most of your criteria.

Lastly, it boils down to your own stats, if you're a 50 year old man, poor, socially inept, grossly overweight, live with siblings and/or parents, have a large group of "fangirls" that you just don't want to date cause they don't meet your criteria, have a vulgar mouth, smoke, drink, have kids, had sex with 100+ women, divorced twice, and have an STD; your list is impossible.

On the other hand if you're a reasonably fit, intelligent, eat decent, work out occasionally, between the age of 20 to 40, don't smoke, drink rarely or only socially, no kids, no previous marriages, have a stable income and job, and own/rent your own place, and have some social confidence...this should be a breeze.

Realistically, you're probably somewhere in between, which means either a.) it'll take a lot of effort to find someone willing to have a relationship with you, who has what you do not or b.) you're going to have to compromise on the "almost" perfect one, which should be doable, or c.) you're going to have to work to improve yourself and make yourself an ideal candidate for your dream candidate.

October 12, 2016

It's going to cause a ****storm on here most likely judging from my previous threads.

But here comes the hateful comments my way lol..

Never had a FWB - I guess I could maybe be okay with it, but ideally would prefer they didn't have one. I think it's more so if they stay friends with them afterwards is what I'd have a problem with.

Only 1 or 2 casual sex partners at most - Could make exceptions but it would be a complete turn off to me if they've had a lot of casual sex.

No kids- complete deal breaker

Doesn't smoke - If they occasionally smoke I'd be okay with it, but I'd ideally prefer a person to not smoke at all.

Never cheated on anyone - complete deal breaker

Doesn't lie - I mean in the context of the actual relationship. I know the vast majority of people have lied in their life time about something but I mean in terms of lying to their partner about things.

Hardly any male friends/still friends with ex bfs/sexual partners - Still being friends with an ex bf or ex sexual partner is a complete deal breaker. I'd be perfectly fine with her having male friends just as long as there's no attraction on either side. I wouldn't be okay with her being around guy friends that clearly want to get into her pants.

A lot of sexual partners - Ideally maybe 15-20 at the very most. But I just personally wouldn't be okay with someone that's had a lot of different sexual partners.

Not really overweight - Women with curves I'm perfectly fine with where I find a lot of them to be really attractive. If she's really overweight though than there would be no attraction on my side.

Doesn't go out partying a lot/drinking a lot - I'm perfectly fine with someone drinking alcohol but not to the extent where they're always getting drunk/drinking a lot. And a woman that's into the partying lifestyle is a deal breaker completely.

I don't think your list is ridiculous at ALL.

My only comment is that you should put some thought into whether the ones I have bolded above are due to your VALUES or due to INSECURITY. If you yourself have no FWBs, no casual sex, no opposite sex friends, and few sexual partners, great. You are within reason to want the same from a partner. But if you just want these characteristics because you are afraid of cheating, or jealous, or threatened, I think you should be open to working on that in yourself.

October 12, 2016

Not sure what your stats are, but nothing there sounds "unreasonable" or likely to cause a storm on forums for me. You might be severely limiting yourself if you're unwilling to compromise on ANY of them, but I don't think there's no one or that its entirely unrealistic either.

But for instance, say you met a girl, that is now 34, had a kid when she was 18, who's now 16 years old; but the girl meets ALL the other criteria, is that absolutely a deal breaker? By purposely avoiding even meeting people or considering them for a first or second date, based off the list of deal breakers, you might make your search much harder.

You also didn't mention religion, mentioned by others here, religion plays a big part in this, a lot of the religious ladies come with their own set of issues that aren't on here, but do meet most of your criteria.

Lastly, it boils down to your own stats, if you're a 50 year old man, poor, socially inept, grossly overweight, live with siblings and/or parents, have a large group of "fangirls" that you just don't want to date cause they don't meet your criteria, have a vulgar mouth, smoke, drink, have kids, had sex with 100+ women, divorced twice, and have an STD; your list is impossible.

On the other hand if you're a reasonably fit, intelligent, eat decent, work out occasionally, between the age of 20 to 40, don't smoke, drink rarely or only socially, no kids, no previous marriages, have a stable income and job, and own/rent your own place, and have some social confidence...this should be a breeze.

Realistically, you're probably somewhere in between, which means either a.) it'll take a lot of effort to find someone willing to have a relationship with you, who has what you do not or b.) you're going to have to compromise on the "almost" perfect one, which should be doable, or c.) you're going to have to work to improve yourself and make yourself an ideal candidate for your dream candidate.

Yeah I'm likely somewhere in between of what you said. I rarely drink & I don't smoke at all. I think what's going to hold me back is I'm 30 & live with my parents yet. Also I need to try to get a better job than what I have now.

October 12, 2016

I don't think your list is ridiculous at ALL.

My only comment is that you should put some thought into whether the ones I have bolded above are due to your VALUES or due to INSECURITY. If you yourself have no FWBs, no casual sex, no opposite sex friends, and few sexual partners, great. You are within reason to want the same from a partner. But if you just want these characteristics because you are afraid of cheating, or jealous, or threatened, I think you should be open to working on that in yourself.

I guess part of it is insecurity, but it really all depends on why they've had so much sex & the context of it. I'm just personally turned off by someone just going out & having sex with a different person every month or two. Also, the STD risk as well I factor into it. I just feel also the more people someone has had sex with they'll likely associate with a few of them as friends yet which is another huge turnoff. As I said anyone that's still friends with an ex bf or ex sex partner is an automatic dealbreaker to me.

October 13, 2016

I think you might be confusing a deal breaker with an expectation or needs. Expectations or needs can certainly change, by virtue of what a deal breaker stands for, it cannot and should not be made an exception.

October 13, 2016

I don't think that list is completely unrealistic, depending on what age range you're interested in and your location. Sounds like you need a good church-going girl.

Not really...

I actually meet every single one of those requirements and I am not at all religious..and if I was, I was raised Jewish.

Not everyone is a bad person!

October 13, 2016

What happens if the deal breaker happens after you committed?

What if your wife gets fat?

October 13, 2016

What happens if the deal breaker happens after you committed?

What if your wife gets fat?

Well I obviously wouldn't leave her if that happened but my sexual attraction to her would likely go away if she got really overweight. If she went from average/fit to curvy I'd probably still find her attractive though since as I said a lot of curvy women are really attractive to me. It's when they're obese is when it's just not attractive to me anymore. I'd try to convince her in the best way to try to lose weight if that happened.

October 13, 2016

I think you might be confusing a deal breaker with an expectation or needs. Expectations or needs can certainly change, by virtue of what a deal breaker stands for, it cannot and should not be made an exception.

I don't get how they aren't considered deal breakers if the things I listed I wouldn't be okay with. Some of them there's absolutely no exception where I could get along with them perfectly & have a lot of common interests with her & find her really attractive, but if they had a kid/kids it would be a deal breaker. I guess you maybe meant since I could possibly make an exception for a few of them like if she only occasionally smoked but not regularly?

October 13, 2016

I also thought of another deal breaker where if she's obsessed with social media, or uses it a lot with posting attention seeking photos, or posting stuff on it just for attention. Complete turn off.

October 13, 2016

NJ I really do not think any of this is unreasonable.

Seems to me that you just want a happy confident gal to go and have fun with.

By that I mean real fun, like hiking and theatre and doing things, not chucking up in the ditch on the way back from the pub of a Friday night...

Congratulations! You are normal!

October 13, 2016

NJ I really do not think any of this is unreasonable.

Seems to me that you just want a happy confident gal to go and have fun with.

By that I mean real fun, like hiking and theatre and doing things, not chucking up in the ditch on the way back from the pub of a Friday night...

Congratulations! You are normal!

Yes pretty much so. I was just expecting people to get on my case about the whole casual sex/sex partner preference I have. I'd never expect a woman to be a virgin, just would prefer for her to not be bed hopping from guy to guy where she's been with a lot of men.

October 13, 2016

I don't get how they aren't considered deal breakers if the things I listed I wouldn't be okay with. Some of them there's absolutely no exception where I could get along with them perfectly & have a lot of common interests with her & find her really attractive, but if they had a kid/kids it would be a deal breaker. I guess you maybe meant since I could possibly make an exception for a few of them like if she only occasionally smoked but not regularly?

No. That isn't what I meant. I was responding to your OP:

How do you force yourself to be okay with things that you really aren't okay with in another person?

My point was that you should distinguish between dealbreakers and needs/expectations. If you have dealbreakers they are not meant to be compromised nor should you find ways to "get over them" Dealbreakers are non-negotiables by definition.

For example I may not ideally want to date a vegan and I'd prefer my partner had the same dietary habits as myself since sharing meals together is a huge part of a relationship's co-existence. Would I shy away from dating a vegan? Probably. Could I make an exception? Probably, though not likely but for a right person it could be negotiable. It isn't a dealbreaker for me.

Could I date a bi-sexual man? No. Not negotiable. It's a dealbreaker and I would not make any exception nor question if it's something I could "try to get over"

October 13, 2016

No. That isn't what I meant. I was responding to your OP:

My point was that you should distinguish between dealbreakers and needs/expectations. If you have dealbreakers they are not meant to be compromised nor should you find ways to "get over them" Dealbreakers are non-negotiables by definition.

For example I may not ideally want to date a vegan and I'd prefer my partner had the same dietary habits as myself since sharing meals together is a huge part of a relationship's co-existence. Would I shy away from dating a vegan? Probably. Could I make an exception? Probably, though not likely but for a right person it could be negotiable. It isn't a dealbreaker for me.

Could I date a bi-sexual man? No. Not negotiable. It's a dealbreaker and I would not make any exception nor question if it's something I could "try to get over"

Well, having a lot of casual sex/sex partners, lying while in a relationship, being overweight, partying a lot, a lot of male friends/friends with exes or friends with ex sexual partners, having a kid/kids, cheating in the past are all complete deal breakers to me. They wouldn't be negotiable. The few other ones there could be some exceptions to them but they're not really ideal to me.

October 13, 2016

So I listed my deal breakers of what I'd want in a person for a relationship on another forum & it seems a lot of people think that I'm way too picky & that I'd likely end up alone with those requirements. How do you force yourself to be okay with things that you really aren't okay with in another person?

simple, think of them as guidelines --- your list is set in sand instead of stone.

since when has, just about, anyone got EVERY thing they wanted. yes, that means you have to settle. how much is up to you. but it would be a shame to if X meets 19 of 20 (and 20 was the least important) and you pass.

October 13, 2016

I think you need to focus on meeting someone you will like and who likes you back. And then rethink your dealbreakers.

I tend to agree with this..

Use your "deal breakers" as a guild line rather then the 10 commandments of dating your 1st post actually reminds me alot of a guy I know hes now in his mid 40s and still looking for miss perfect in the meantime hes miserable and becoming jaded and angry more and more each day...I

I dont know to me the connection I make with a person is more important then checking off some premade stock list of must haves long as there is some attraction and they mesh well with my general over all mind set then im happy..

October 13, 2016

simple, think of them as guidelines --- your list is set in sand instead of stone.

since when has, just about, anyone got EVERY thing they wanted. yes, that means you have to settle. how much is up to you. but it would be a shame to if X meets 19 of 20 (and 20 was the least important) and you pass.

It really depends on what it was. If it was something like she smokes occasionally than yeah, that wouldn't be a problem at all.

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Is there a way to force yourself to turn deal breakers into non deal breakers?

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