Is there a way to force yourself to turn deal breakers into non deal breakers?

[NJ123]

Yes, 30 in a year is totally average! If I wanted to, I could go on 30 dates in a month. It's not like I keep a diary but I've probably been on nearly 20 dates since January.

 

Look- your list of deal breakers is totally ridiculous. We all have deal-breakers.

However, are you really going to tell me that you- someone who has a really difficult time dating women anyway- is going to dump a woman that you otherwise like everything about, just because you find out she had a few too many sex partners? Or because she is friends with one of her exes from ten years ago? With every one of your deal breakers, you are unlikely to learn that information before a first date.

And most of that information would be totally out of line to ask on a first date or even a fifth date.

 

It's so brutally obvious to everyone else except you, that you are creating these rules and standards about life and relationships that make it entirely impossible to reach your goals, which allows you to sit back complacently and do nothing constructive or productive to reach your goals, and instead feel justified in complaining that the world is a very cruel, unfair place.

 

And everyone else knows that is not true. But you can choose to join the rest of the real world and work around your obstacles, find ways to compromise to get to your goals, or you can complain that this is all very difficult.

 

You're not getting much sympathy because the rest of us out here actually ARE trying and it is really difficult to get what we want, too. But at least we are trying.

 

That just seemed like a big number to me. My friend agreed as well saying it would be a bit of a turn off if he found out someone dated that many within a year. And he has a very socially active life himself. So it varies by person whether they think it's a lot or not. Maybe to you it's not a lot since you date a lot yourself, but to some others it would be considered a lot. So just because I have a difficult time, I have to all of a sudden be okay with things I absolutely wouldn't be okay with?

 

It depends how many partners she had. I have every right to have my own deal breakers just like everyone else. If I went out with a woman & she's been promiscuous or is friends with exes, why should I force myself to be okay with that? And of course I wouldn't learn it on a first date. I wouldn't ask. I'd eventually learn more about her as more & more time was spent with her. I wouldn't just flat out ask about any of these sorts of things right away.

[NJ123]

Can you actually verify that it's because they are desperate or aren't interested in finding a relationship? Or are you just pulling that out of your negativity hat and deciding it's the reason?

 

Well, I thought that at the time because that seemed like a huge number to me. But maybe I was wrong to have that thought in my head since it's not fair to think that. But everyone has their own belief of how many dates is considered a lot. Who's to say who's wrong or not?

[AMJ]

That just seemed like a big number to me. My friend agreed as well saying it would be a bit of a turn off if he found out someone dated that many within a year. And he has a very socially active life himself. So it varies by person whether they think it's a lot or not. Maybe to you it's not a lot since you date a lot yourself, but to some others it would be considered a lot. So just because I have a difficult time, I have to all of a sudden be okay with things I absolutely wouldn't be okay with?

 

It depends how many partners she had. I have every right to have my own deal breakers just like everyone else. If I went out with a woman & she's been promiscuous or is friends with exes, why should I force myself to be okay with that? And of course I wouldn't learn it on a first date. I wouldn't ask. I'd eventually learn more about her as more & more time was spent with her. I wouldn't just flat out ask about any of these sorts of things right away.

 

And how is someone who had many dates in a year desperate?! It's actually quite the opposite. If someone goes on lots of dates, it's because they are selective about who they get in a relationship with and have LOTS of options.

Who cares what your friend thinks! How is he helping you at all. Really you're just intimidated by women who date a lot because you realize that means you have steep competition and instead of admitting that, you want to judge them negatively for dating too much. That logic is so bizarre.

 

And once again, an example of you trying to change social rules and norms to suit your complacency. Because you don't really want to do anything to reach your goals, you just want all the good things in life to just sail on over your way, because that's "Fair".

 

How do you like being judged for your lack of experience? You don't like that.. yet you have no issue judging a woman for being promiscuous. That's the definition of a double standard.

 

It's fine to have deal breakers, like I said we all have them. But people who have relationships- which is your goal, the thing you have written many many threads about- every single one of those people has compromised on a deal breaker, guaranteed. That means that everyone in a relationship takes the good with the bad, that is part of life. No one is perfect, no one will ever measure up to your standards. You need to realize that.

[NJ123]

And how is someone who had many dates in a year desperate?! It's actually quite the opposite. If someone goes on lots of dates, it's because they are selective about who they get in a relationship with and have LOTS of options.

Who cares what your friend thinks! How is he helping you at all. Really you're just intimidated by women who date a lot because you realize that means you have steep competition and instead of admitting that, you want to judge them negatively for dating too much. That logic is so bizarre.

 

And once again, an example of you trying to change social rules and norms to suit your complacency. Because you don't really want to do anything to reach your goals, you just want all the good things in life to just sail on over your way, because that's "Fair".

 

How do you like being judged for your lack of experience? You don't like that.. yet you have no issue judging a woman for being promiscuous. That's the definition of a double standard.

 

It's fine to have deal breakers, like I said we all have them. But people who have relationships- which is your goal, the thing you have written many many threads about- every single one of those people has compromised on a deal breaker, guaranteed. That means that everyone in a relationship takes the good with the bad, that is part of life. No one is perfect, no one will ever measure up to your standards. You need to realize that.

 

I agree, I take it back about saying it was desperation since I don't know what someone's individual mindset is in what they do. But when someone dates a lot of people do they normally date 1 person at a time, or do they date multiple people at once usually? And if someone has a lot of options, how do they know whom to choose to go out with selectively?

 

So you're saying every single person that has a lot of options dates a lot of people?

 

Well to be fair, I actually am judged on my lack of experience by a lot of women. It happened to me like 4 or 5 times through OLD when like an idiot I told them the truth through text & they just stopped talking to me. And not everyone is okay with being with a promiscuous person. If you look in this thread, surprisingly most people actually didn't think my list of deal breakers were bad when I expected the vast majority to get on my case about it. So just because I'm inexperienced, I have to make myself to be okay with a woman that's been with a lot of guys now?

[AMJ]

I agree, I take it back about saying it was desperation since I don't know what someone's individual mindset is in what they do. But when someone dates a lot of people do they normally date 1 person at a time, or do they date multiple people at once usually?

 

Yes, bingo, that is the point. Each individual person makes these decisions based on their own individual set of beliefs, goals, feelings, and a whole other range of things. For example, someone may want to take a break from dating because they have no time due to a demanding job or being in school, or some other responsibility like taking care of a sick parent. Someone may decide to take a break from dating because they are getting over a bad breakup. Or maybe they are just tired of dating and have been on too many miserable dates.

 

Likewise, someone else may be settled in their life totally- happy with their job and living situation, and feel like they are ready for a relationship- so dating is their number one priority. And another person may just want to date casually for fun, not being interested in a relationship at all.

 

So some people date only one person at a time. Others date multiple people at a time. Some people want to also sleep with multiple people at a time, and others not so much. People have different preferences, there is no rule about any of this. It's considerate when someone communicates their preferences and goals honestly, but even that doesn't happen all the time.

 

And if someone has a lot of options, how do they know whom to choose to go out with selectively?

 

There are tons of threads on here, where you can learn how people figure that out. That's obviously the most important question of them all- how do I make the cut? Sometimes people make good choices (picking a good person to date) while the majority of us who post on here continue to make bad choices, thus all the dating disaster stories. Generally people are searching for compatibility, happiness, attraction, chemistry. But again, everyone has individual preferences. Some people are just searching for great sex.

 

You'll find all these answers if you read other people's threads.

 

So you're saying every single person that has a lot of options dates a lot of people?

 

Nope, not saying that at all. Saying that people who date a lot of people, have lots of options. That's not even an opinion, that's a fact. Some people have lots of options but don't want to date. Maybe they decide to stop looking and settle up with someone they don't have to search for. Again, all individual preferences.

A person's dating preferences are going to change throughout their life. I certainly acted differently when I was younger than I do now. Our priorities change, our experiences impact our decisions.

 

 

Well to be fair, I actually am judged on my lack of experience by a lot of women. It happened to me like 4 or 5 times through OLD when like an idiot I told them the truth through text & they just stopped talking to me. And not everyone is okay with being with a promiscuous person. If you look in this thread, surprisingly most people actually didn't think my list of deal breakers were bad when I expected the vast majority to get on my case about it. So just because I'm inexperienced, I have to make myself to be okay with a woman that's been with a lot of guys now?

 

Yes, I know you're judged, you've said that a BUNCH of times, which is why I pointed out the irony. You don't like being judged for these things yet think it's okay to judge women for the same reasons. Complete irony, NJ. I don't know how you don't even see it.

 

I'm just saying, that we all have deal breakers. But everyone in a relationship winds up compromising on at least one deal breaker. Seriously. If you don't believe me, start talking to people in relationships. Or just read the marriages section on here. So you need to rethink your list there...because no one will tick all those boxes.

[NJ123]

Yes, bingo, that is the point. Each individual person makes these decisions based on their own individual set of beliefs, goals, feelings, and a whole other range of things. For example, someone may want to take a break from dating because they have no time due to a demanding job or being in school, or some other responsibility like taking care of a sick parent. Someone may decide to take a break from dating because they are getting over a bad breakup. Or maybe they are just tired of dating and have been on too many miserable dates.

 

Likewise, someone else may be settled in their life totally- happy with their job and living situation, and feel like they are ready for a relationship- so dating is their number one priority. And another person may just want to date casually for fun, not being interested in a relationship at all.

 

So some people date only one person at a time. Others date multiple people at a time. Some people want to also sleep with multiple people at a time, and others not so much. People have different preferences, there is no rule about any of this. It's considerate when someone communicates their preferences and goals honestly, but even that doesn't happen all the time.

 

 

 

There are tons of threads on here, where you can learn how people figure that out. That's obviously the most important question of them all- how do I make the cut? Sometimes people make good choices (picking a good person to date) while the majority of us who post on here continue to make bad choices, thus all the dating disaster stories. Generally people are searching for compatibility, happiness, attraction, chemistry. But again, everyone has individual preferences. Some people are just searching for great sex.

 

You'll find all these answers if you read other people's threads.

 

 

 

Nope, not saying that at all. Saying that people who date a lot of people, have lots of options. That's not even an opinion, that's a fact. Some people have lots of options but don't want to date. Maybe they decide to stop looking and settle up with someone they don't have to search for. Again, all individual preferences.

A person's dating preferences are going to change throughout their life. I certainly acted differently when I was younger than I do now. Our priorities change, our experiences impact our decisions.

 

 

 

 

Yes, I know you're judged, you've said that a BUNCH of times, which is why I pointed out the irony. You don't like being judged for these things yet think it's okay to judge women for the same reasons. Complete irony, NJ. I don't know how you don't even see it.

 

I'm just saying, that we all have deal breakers. But everyone in a relationship winds up compromising on at least one deal breaker. Seriously. If you don't believe me, start talking to people in relationships. Or just read the marriages section on here. So you need to rethink your list there...because no one will tick all those boxes.

 

How do I make myself okay with being with a promiscuous person though? Maybe it's partially my inexperience that makes it a turn off about it, but how do I change my mindset on that & think it's not a big deal? I'd like to think maybe if she had an amazing personality & we got along so well, I'd be able to possibly overlook it. I'd have to be put in that position to know what I'd do or not though if I happened to find out she was with a lot of guys previously. I guess there's a lot of different things it would depend on.

 

And I've already stated that a few of the things I listed can be compromised on where they're not really total deal breakers. Like for instance if a woman smoked occasionally, I'd be fine with that just as long as she isn't a chain smoker or smokes regularly. Some of them there's just no compromising on them at all though. Like if she had kids already, that's an instant deal breaker no matter what as well as some of the others I listed. The sexual partners thing maybe I'd be different on if I had a lot of sex myself. But it's hard to not feel maybe a bit concerned with a woman that's been with a lot of guys. Maybe it's a bit hypocritical, but I have my reasons for it. Of course I can admit one of the things would be if she's been with so many guys, would I be any special to her? Would her expectations of the sex with me be really high? As well as the STD risk factor & if she's practiced safe sex with all of them. It would really depend on different things. I know some say the past is the past, but it really all depends to me.

[AMJ]

How do I make myself okay with being with a promiscuous person though? Maybe it's partially my inexperience that makes it a turn off about it, but how do I change my mindset on that & think it's not a big deal? I'd like to think maybe if she had an amazing personality & we got along so well, I'd be able to possibly overlook it. I'd have to be put in that position to know what I'd do or not though if I happened to find out she was with a lot of guys previously. I guess there's a lot of different things it would depend on.

 

And I've already stated that a few of the things I listed can be compromised on where they're not really total deal breakers. Like for instance if a woman smoked occasionally, I'd be fine with that just as long as she isn't a chain smoker or smokes regularly. Some of them there's just no compromising on them at all though. Like if she had kids already, that's an instant deal breaker no matter what as well as some of the others I listed. The sexual partners thing maybe I'd be different on if I had a lot of sex myself. But it's hard to not feel maybe a bit concerned with a woman that's been with a lot of guys. Maybe it's a bit hypocritical, but I have my reasons for it. Of course I can admit one of the things would be if she's been with so many guys, would I be any special to her? Would her expectations of the sex with me be really high? As well as the STD risk factor & if she's practiced safe sex with all of them. It would really depend on different things. I know some say the past is the past, but it really all depends to me.

 

So my point was really directed towards your method as a whole, not one specific item on your deal breaker list.

Maybe you really can't be with someone who's had lots of past partners, well okay, but you likely will need to bend on some other issue. That's just the way it goes, for all of us.

 

I look at it this way. When I search for guys online, if I were to get zero matches, I'd say, well my expectations are too limited, and I'm going after men who are not interested in me, which means I need to broaden my scope. I'm being too selective. So maybe I bend on something like height and look for shorter guys.

Sure I'd rather have a guy who's 4 inches taller than me, and I'm 5'7'', but if I'm not getting results I need to change my method.

You are not getting results, which means you need to change your method.

 

I think Buddhist spelled it out so perfectly a few posts back, but you're not going to find a woman who ticks off all those boxes and is also infatuated with you. So eventually you'll need to compromise.

 

If you can't figure that out, you are doomed for a lifetime of being single.

[NJ123]

So my point was really directed towards your method as a whole, not one specific item on your deal breaker list.

Maybe you really can't be with someone who's had lots of past partners, well okay, but you likely will need to bend on some other issue. That's just the way it goes, for all of us.

 

I look at it this way. When I search for guys online, if I were to get zero matches, I'd say, well my expectations are too limited, and I'm going after men who are not interested in me, which means I need to broaden my scope. I'm being too selective. So maybe I bend on something like height and look for shorter guys.

Sure I'd rather have a guy who's 4 inches taller than me, and I'm 5'7'', but if I'm not getting results I need to change my method.

You are not getting results, which means you need to change your method.

 

I think Buddhist spelled it out so perfectly a few posts back, but you're not going to find a woman who ticks off all those boxes and is also infatuated with you. So eventually you'll need to compromise.

 

If you can't figure that out, you are doomed for a lifetime of being single.

 

I'd have no problem bending on a few of them but it just depends what that issue is. If she smokes a lot, has kids, cheated in the past, is overweight, lies while in a relationship, hangs out with/talks regularly to ex sexual partners/an ex bf, goes out partying a lot. Those are all instant deal breakers to me where they're non negotiable. But to expect them to check off every single deal breaker I have is probably not going to happen most likely & I'd be okay with bending on some of them. Just some of them are instant deal breakers no matter what.

 

lol and you had to bring up height didn't you?

[NuevoYorko]

hangs out with/talks regularly to ex sexual partners/an ex bf,

I can tell you this with confidence - share that particular deal breaker with any woman you are starting to get to know, and if she has any self esteem at all, she'll be out of there so fast. It is the hallmark of a controlling and insecure person. Who her friends are and how she met them are not your business.

 

I understand that the "wisdom" around here is that women shouldn't be friends with any men, especially exes, but it's a load of hooey.

 

Anyway, since this is very important to you, once again I suggest that you just get to know all these hypothetical girls that you are going to ultimately need to reject. When you find out that one of them has a male friend she used to date, just move on. But if you tell them that - they'll be the ones moving on, unless they are desperate with no self esteem.

[NJ123]

I can tell you this with confidence - share that particular deal breaker with any woman you are starting to get to know, and if she has any self esteem at all, she'll be out of there so fast. It is the hallmark of a controlling and insecure person. Who her friends are and how she met them are not your business.

 

I understand that the "wisdom" around here is that women shouldn't be friends with any men, especially exes, but it's a load of hooey.

 

Anyway, since this is very important to you, once again I suggest that you just get to know all these hypothetical girls that you are going to ultimately need to reject. When you find out that one of them has a male friend she used to date, just move on. But if you tell them that - they'll be the ones moving on, unless they are desperate with no self esteem.

 

lol of course I wouldn't flat out ask them or tell them what to do. I'd hate to tell them whom they could & can't be friends with but I wouldn't like the situation of her being around guy/guys that she was intimate with in the past. And that's exactly what I would do in the situation. I'd move on but would probably just say things aren't working out in general so they wouldn't know the actual reasoning. Since as you said I can't tell someone whom they can & can't be friends with since I'd be looked at as controlling & insecure to her. But I just personally don't get why someone would want to keep people they were intimate with at one point around. It would be even worse if the guy was single, so I'd know he'd jump at the opportunity to sleep with her again if he had the chance since there would be at least physical attraction on both sides.

[NuevoYorko]

But I just personally don't get why someone would want to keep people they were intimate with at one point around.

 

Because you have developed a close relationship with them. Friendship.

 

 

It would be even worse if the guy was single, so I'd know he'd jump at the opportunity to sleep with her again if he had the chance since there would be at least physical attraction on both sides.

You really sound too insecure to be dating right now.

[NJ123]

Because you have developed a close relationship with them. Friendship.

 

 

You really sound too insecure to be dating right now.

 

Nope. I've heard of it time & time again of when someone keeps an ex around it leads to trouble a lot of the time. I can't tell you how many stories I've heard of a guy/woman going back to their ex. I'm not going to be a sucker & get screwed over. I'd rather be with someone that wants a clean start with no one from their past in their life. I know women think completely different on this type of thing, but most guys truly dislike when a woman keeps guys they've been with in the past around. Just look at all the threads on this site alone about exes.

[NuevoYorko]

Nope. I've heard of it time & time again of when someone keeps an ex around it leads to trouble a lot of the time. I can't tell you how many stories I've heard of a guy/woman going back to their ex. I'm not going to be a sucker & get screwed over. I'd rather be with someone that wants a clean start with no one from their past in their life. I know women think completely different on this type of thing, but most guys truly dislike when a woman keeps guys they've been with in the past around. Just look at all the threads on this site alone about exes.

OK.

 

I still think you might consider actually spending some time with ANY companionable women whatsoever before making exhaustive lists of all the reasons you'll reject them, but maybe that's just me. Carry on.

[Fishfingersareyummy]

OK.

 

I still think you might consider actually spending some time with ANY companionable women whatsoever before making exhaustive lists of all the reasons you'll reject them, but maybe that's just me. Carry on.

 

I agree, he should spend time with a woman or some women and he'll realize that some of his deal breakers need not be deal breakers.

[elaine567]

This is like someone imagining what it is like to be friends with a silver back gorilla.

Multiple scenarios played over and over. What if the gorilla did this and what if he did that? What if I did this would he like it or not? What would he feel? What would I feel? Generalities abound.

Truth is until he tries it IRL then no-one knows. Everyone can all sit and surmise all day about what may happen, but until he actually gets into that enclosure and looks the gorilla in the eye and offers him a banana, then it is all just imaginary nonsense.

[Fishfingersareyummy]

It's a good thing that the OP has some idea of what he wants from a potential girlfriend but he should always keep an open mind while remaining realistic.

 

I'm a conservative person and I am also driven by religious convictions, so I can't date a woman who is a liberal thinker and who is of a different religion to me or is agnostic or atheist. Sure, she may be a great woman, but we're not compatible and trying to force the compatibility is futile because in order to have a happy, healthy long-term relationship. Both people need to share the same values as each other.

 

I don't know about the OP's personal life but he mentioned promiscuity and how he feels that his inexperience makes him in compatible and I believe he's misguided. If she's a good woman, she's respectful, she ticks some of the boxes he has drawn up and she has no problems with monogamy and his inexperience then it's silly to write her off as a potential partner.

 

I feel the OP should focus on establishing a potential relationship based on sharing core values rather than focusing on minor details.