Terrible miscommunication, now he won't talk ... long

[strawberryshortstack]

Okay, so while I shouldn't have called him tipsy on Thursday and somehow ended up arguing over absolutely nothing, I still have no idea what the heart of the matter really was and what is going on. I understand giving him space, but at what point does it become unfair to me to leave me hanging like this, after a one year relationship? I fully realize that this may be the end of the relationship, and that breaks my heart but may be what is best if we cannot communicate. That said, I still want to talk to him - I still need to tie up some lose ends with him.

 

I think I am going to leave him a voicemail and tell him that I really would like to see him today, and ask him to text me a time. I am on the fence - do I keep it simple, or do I try to explain my position (because I may not get another opportunity?) Ughhh ...

 

 

You need to give him space. Keep pushing the issue, and you may end up pushing him away for good. Let him come to you, and then discuss it rationally - don't take all the blame, because it doesn't ALL belong to you, but don't be accusatory. Let him talk, listen, think, respond. Good luck.

[Eighty_nine]

Yes, give him space now. You'll hear from him. He just may need some time.

[newheart]

Yes, give him space now. You'll hear from him. He just may need some time.

 

Thank you, everyone.

 

I am trying ... it is hard. I don't know what he is thinking, and I am almost more confused since he isn't angry and doesn't blame me for it, then what is this really about? Clearly there is more.

 

So I will wait ... but I feel hurt, I feel like he is shutting me out, I feel like if he has concerns how can he make a decision about us if he doesn't let me know what they are and give me the opportunity to discuss?

 

I see that I owe him some time and space, but at what point do I make the call that if he isn't willing to communicate with me, I need to let go?

[Gaeta]

I see that I owe him some time and space, but at what point do I make the call that if he isn't willing to communicate with me, I need to let go?

 

Again you are letting your imagination get the best of you and creating unnecessary extra anxiety.

 

Don't draw any conclusion. Just let him come to you. Take it 1 day at a time. You don't need to analyze what you should do next week or in 2 weeks, you'll handle it when you get there.

[newheart]

I do not think he is intentionally jerking you around, but it seems clear to me that his communication and attachment style is radically inadequate to your personality and needs. For example, if I were in your shoes I would be upset but hell would freeze over before I would have reached out to him today.

 

I think I read that he is 42 years old. I suspect you are correct and there is very little chance he will change.

 

Hi Anna,

 

Yes, he is 42, and I can't see him changing. Granted, I am imperfect: I over-analyze things, I overreact sometimes. But I think that his communication style leaves me feeling even more insecure than typical, so I am not sure I can balance this out with him.

 

We've discussed his communication before - I pointed out a couple of examples I observed between him and family members where he did not clearly communicate what he wanted/expected, and then got angry or upset when no one read his mind. He acknowledged that, but then said it wouldn't apply to us. He's wrong though, I really think he is doing it again. He doesn't express when he needs me or wants something, then gets upset when he doesn't get it. Recently, there have been a couple minor things that I've ignored, but seem like signs that he is passive aggressive. For example, the first week of school (after Labor Day weekend here) I didn't see him on Tuesday or Wednesday, our usual mid week date nights. I did see him Sunday and Monday though. On Wednesday, we did not have plans, but even so I texted him to let him know what I was doing - taking my son for a haircut, getting ready for the first day of school. Then, I called him Wednesday night, and things seemed okay. We spoke about 20 minutes, just catching up on the days events, and I ended the call. Then, ten minutes after we hung up I remembered the funny thing I wanted to tell him and texted it to him. He never responded. I didn't think it was a big deal. The next day, I still haven't heard from him so I sent him a good morning, and made a joke about him not being impressed by my funny story, and he replied, "Sorry, you seemed busy." Um, I initiated the phone call and the text but you ignored it because I was busy? I told him I am sorry he felt that way, I wasn't too busy for him ... and then I dropped it and didn't make a big deal about it, but I just don't understand why he'd say that.

 

In the Thursday night debacle, similarly, he said we did everything around my availability and that I had told him I wasn't available until Saturday. That was somehow his interpretation, but not true at all.

 

Anyway, thanks everyone for listening ... writing here helps me not text him, lol.

[newheart]

Again you are letting your imagination get the best of you and creating unnecessary extra anxiety.

 

Don't draw any conclusion. Just let him come to you. Take it 1 day at a time. You don't need to analyze what you should do next week or in 2 weeks, you'll handle it when you get there.

 

Thank you, Gaeta. I realize I have an irrational fear of "out of sight, out of mind" in that a person will realize that their life is better without me in it, or that he has already made up his mind that we are finished and he just isn't telling me.

[anna121]

I feel for you. Believe me, I have been there with the anxiety over non-contact, spinning things way out of proportion. I don't have a clinical issue with anxiety but I am prone to overreacting when I feel like someone is not as invested as I am. Luckily, I am married to someone for whom that is never an issue.

 

I wanted to pick up on a few things you said about his being passive aggressive. I think he is clearly unhappy about your responsibilities and what he perceives as a lack of investment in him. Combine that with the fact that by your own admission, your anxiety can create issues, and I think he may feel there is a big imbalance in your relationship.

 

So, that's another reason that things may be on the skids right now.

[Gaeta]

Thank you, Gaeta. I realize I have an irrational fear of "out of sight, out of mind" in that a person will realize that their life is better without me in it, or that he has already made up his mind that we are finished and he just isn't telling me.

 

You need to watch some Madea. When ever I got worried about a man, I watched this:

 

[newheart]

I feel for you. Believe me, I have been there with the anxiety over non-contact, spinning things way out of proportion. I don't have a clinical issue with anxiety but I am prone to overreacting when I feel like someone is not as invested as I am. Luckily, I am married to someone for whom that is never an issue.

 

I wanted to pick up on a few things you said about his being passive aggressive. I think he is clearly unhappy about your responsibilities and what he perceives as a lack of investment in him. Combine that with the fact that by your own admission, your anxiety can create issues, and I think he may feel there is a big imbalance in your relationship.

 

So, that's another reason that things may be on the skids right now.

 

Thank you, Anna. I do believe this is it. I feel I am completely invested in him, but I wonder if he sees my obligations as a parent as a barrier to 'us'. When he threw out that we only did things on only my availability, he mentioned a couple of my children's sports so obviously this is on his mind. But, he's never actually sat down and expressed any concerns to me. I can't even remember a specific time I declined doing something with him because of the kids, though most of the time he never initiates and perhaps he is including times I am not even aware about as me being "unavailable". I just don't know, and I won't know until he tells me, so for now I am driving myself crazy guessing.

 

In addition, I am (and always will be) a parent, though I'd welcome the opportunity to discuss with him to see if we could come to a place where both of our needs are met. I am not sure if this exists, but I sure would love to try.

 

I am glad your spouse is understanding - it gives me hope!

[newheart]

You need to watch some Madea. When ever I got worried about a man, I watched this:

 

 

THANK YOU Gaeta! I needed that!

[Miss Peach]

The way you describe your BF reminds me a lot of the relationship I recently ended (other than he seemed more insecure than me). Especially the example with the phone call. The XBF would constantly say things like 'You're more busy than me' as an excuse to not call/text with me. So it was just radio silence between dates. He was very rigid on dates.

 

I decided to just end it after a year and a half because I couldn't get over his communication style. The more and more I thought about it, the more uncomfortable I felt spending the next 40 years with someone like that.

 

I I would have continued had he seemed to actually understand and get why I would get so upset when he would go into insecure mode but I never got the empathy from him and he kept blaming me.

[introverted1]

Stepping outside of your perspective for a moment, I think he may feel that you are not as invested. He seems to be somewhat passive aggressive about the time you spend with your kids (aka the times you are "busy" or not available to him). Add in that, during your recent argument, you were quick to go to the point of breaking up, suggesting you'd be in touch to pick up your stuff. I imagine he is not clear at all about your investment in the relationship (who suggests breaking up over a text miscommunication about essentially nothing??).

 

The next time you see him -- face to face, not in text -- I think you need to calmly and clearly express your own feelings and desires and then see what he says in response. My sense is that your insecurity causes you to hold back when you are with him (see your thread about him saying ILY multiple times but you not responding) and while your angst may be very clear to you/us as a result of a fear of losing him, he may well perceive it as general unhappiness with him and a willingness to walk away.

[Noideanow]

you ended the phonecall with him when he missed you and wanted to talk to you forever..(it sounds) you hurt his feelings by not being available:( is he welcome when your with your children? or doesnt he want to be there?

[newheart]

Stepping outside of your perspective for a moment, I think he may feel that you are not as invested. He seems to be somewhat passive aggressive about the time you spend with your kids (aka the times you are "busy" or not available to him). Add in that, during your recent argument, you were quick to go to the point of breaking up, suggesting you'd be in touch to pick up your stuff. I imagine he is not clear at all about your investment in the relationship (who suggests breaking up over a text miscommunication about essentially nothing??).

 

The next time you see him -- face to face, not in text -- I think you need to calmly and clearly express your own feelings and desires and then see what he says in response. My sense is that your insecurity causes you to hold back when you are with him (see your thread about him saying ILY multiple times but you not responding) and while your angst may be very clear to you/us as a result of a fear of losing him, he may well perceive it as general unhappiness with him and a willingness to walk away.

 

True, this is all very possible. And yet the thing is, when I view it from this other perspective, it wants me to reach out to him even MORE because I have to explain myself to him. If he is making some decision about our relationship right now, I want him to know the truth and have all of the information in order to do so. I never, ever want him to feel like he isn't important or a priority in my life. In thinking about how I think I treat him, I can't imagine he feels this way ... but maybe he does?

 

I admit, I was quick to remark that I'd pick up my stuff, but I do want to be clear in that I said that as a result of me thinking that he just broke up with me. He made a remark about my availability, and I thought it was important (as this was the second 'off the cuff complaint' he's made about everything being scheduled around me) that we discuss this in person. I did not want him to feel like everything was at my availability, and I did not want him to think he was unimportant, and I felt this was an important topic not to be discussed via text or cell phone while I was in the car. When he said no, I thought he was breaking up with me. When he clarified that he meant he had plans later on, I was very apologetic, but since he's refused to see me at all. It was just a **** show, tbh. Excuse my language.

 

Even if the suggesting break up was my fault, it wasn't anything related to the text - only his remarks afterwards that he didn't hear from me all week, not available, etc. I didn't break up with him about the text ... there was nothing wrong with the text, other than he wrote "Nevermind" when he didn't immediately hear back from me, which indicated to me that he was upset.

 

I do hold back when I am with him, this is true. I am scared, I have no other excuse.

 

Ironically, I have spent the last two weeks working on "Open when ..." letters for him for when we are apart. Ugh, I am such an idiot.

[newheart]

you ended the phonecall with him when he missed you and wanted to talk to you forever..(it sounds) you hurt his feelings by not being available:( is he welcome when your with your children? or doesnt he want to be there?

 

Yes, he is absolutely welcome. However, he doesn't do overnights at my house when the kids are home because he has two dogs, not dog friendly, and I have a dog. So, we only have overnights at his house when the kids are away. And, I think he is really happy when we are playing house, and then ... not.

 

I am not sure what you mean about the phone call ... that isn't really what happened - I wish it were!

[newheart]

Well, had my therapy session tonight. I feel okay, I still haven't reached out to him (nor, he to me though). My therapist said that what my BF does is referred to "stonewalling". Before those of you who are my BF's advocates (lol, and I say that with affection!) chime in, she isn't accusing this of being his fault, but acknowledges that he has exhibited communication issues through our relationship too (not expressing what he wants or needs) and this kind of takes the cake, I guess. I am not at all, in anyway minimizing that I screwed up - I made the mistake of thinking he was immediately breaking up with me over something silly. But I still don't know that I quite deserve the extent of this silent treatment.

 

We made a list of options (contact, no contact) and pros and cons ... and of course, she can't tell me what to do, but that I have to do what is right, and if I need clarity to move on or whatever is, to do it. I don't know what to do yet, so for now I am continuing to do nothing ...

 

Thanks for listening everyone ...

[BaileyB]

That sounds like a good therapist...

 

Whatever you decide, and whatever happens... Know that you are enough. Perfectly imperfect as you are, as we all are, you will be fine with or without him. You can build a happy life, find joy, and love.

 

As I've gotten older, I've come to understand that we all chose who we invite into our lives. If he brings something of value to your life, then he is meant to be there. If the relationship is difficult, then you chose something else.

 

You deserve to be treated with love and respect. You should offer that in return. But, if you don't feel like he offers that to you - don't be afraid to let him go. Far better to be on your own than in a bad relationship.

 

Take care.

[newheart]

So, I thought about my options last night, and slept on it. I woke up today - a year ago today was our first date. I am sad, but I am mostly disappointed. While I only come here to gain perspective on my anxiety and I know that is what you guys see, the other 355+ days I had with him we had a very good relationship and he added so much to my life. I realize that while I am imperfect, his communication issues are also not ideal for my personality. Additionally, this is our first actual argument in a year, and because I haven't been able to discuss with him and refused to have this discussion over text, I feel like there is so much unsaid.

 

That said, I considered my options I worked out last night, and my pros and cons of each. My therapist also thought that he may be feeling that he is not a priority of mine, that he may feel unimportant the way things have played out. She also pointed out that in the times I asked him to talk - I didn't ask when was good for him, I only said "Can we talk Saturday afternoon?" Or "What time can you talk today?" and since his remark was that "everything was based on my availability" this was probably not the best approach.

 

We crafted a message to him that I'd send, if I decided that it was in my own best interest to reach out. When reviewing the list again this morning, I decided that the pros of reaching out outweighed the cons - even if the pros were negative. For example, he may reject me again, but then I can say I've said my piece and move on. I know that many of you have said give him space, but this happened last Thursday and though he has never actually asked for space or told me what is going on, I have respected that once he has said he didn't have time. But now, this is not about him being "busy" and he's not being upfront about this space.

 

As a result, I decided to send a message because I need clarity and I don't deserve to be shut out. I do believe there is a difference in acknowledging a conflict and asking for space, then just shutting someone out.

 

So, this morning, I sent one text message letting him know that I'd like to resolve this and move forward, and that our relationship is a priority to me and I am invested in this, and that it is important that he feels this from me. (In a nutshell) I closed with with asking him when he was available to talk, so his answer should be telling - it will be a time and day, or it will be a no, or it will be a brush off which will also be interpreted as a no.

 

I've probably broken all the "rules" here, and I am pretty low, so please be kind.

[Gaeta]

I've probably broken all the "rules" here, and I am pretty low, so please be kind.

 

You made a decision after a few days of quietness and based on a lot of introspection so it cannot be a bad decision.

 

You are extending your hand I hope he takes it.

 

He is passive aggressive and with these people you cannot confront them because it never leads anywhere. You have to speak to them in a non confrontational way. It's an art sometimes difficult to master.

[newheart]

You made a decision after a few days of quietness and based on a lot of introspection so it cannot be a bad decision.

 

You are extending your hand I hope he takes it.

 

He is passive aggressive and with these people you cannot confront them because it never leads anywhere. You have to speak to them in a non confrontational way. It's an art sometimes difficult to master.

 

Thank you, Gaeta. I have to come to terms that just maybe, if he fails to engage, this is a blessing in disguise or there are other factors I am unaware of, and this is just not meant to be. I do not regret the year I spent with him. It took me 38.5 years to find someone I felt this way about, and it was a joy while I had it, and I learned much about myself. I hope I can take this and grow from it.

 

Three hours since I sent the message. I know I can't put a time stamp on it or a deadline, I know he is working, and I am sure he needs to process. But while I felt good about this decision this morning, the anxiety and unease waiting is very uncomfortable. I can't help but feel that each passing minute means that the response will not be positive.

[Gaeta]

I can't help but feel that each passing minute means that the response will not be positive.

 

In my native language we have a saying.

 

No news = good news

 

[Noideanow]

Did you ask him when he could talk? Maybe Try with do you feel like talking to me? I miss you and some emojis☹ just My cent, could be you come of a bit controlling:o and that i think is a role a lot of men would like, or i can be totally wrong and can learn something from you myself:cool:

[Noideanow]

And about the phonecall, i think you wrote you called him, talked for 20 min and You ended the Call, could be he was not finished talking to you?

[newheart]

Did you ask him when he could talk? Maybe Try with do you feel like talking to me? I miss you and some emojis☹ just My cent, could be you come of a bit controlling:o and that i think is a role a lot of men would like, or i can be totally wrong and can learn something from you myself:cool:

 

Hi there,

 

I don't really think so - I initiate contact more often than he does, telling him I miss him and sending him kisses, etc. but I think more of the problems are centered are our 'plans' to spend time together or lack thereof. Sometimes, he will tell me he is going somewhere, but not ask me to go or even hint that he wants me to go. For example, once I got, "I have to go to SIL birthday party, ugh, I really don't want to go." Then a few days later, he asked if I was going and said that he invited me. ??? How would I know from that - he didn't want to go himself!

 

In regards to the phonecall, this one that started the argument - he initiated getting off the phone. Another example I gave somewhere along the thread, yes, I initiated getting off the phone. And maybe he felt unimportant, which makes me sad because he isn't at all, BUT it is kind of silly to be angry or passively aggressively ignore my next text because of it. These are things we need to work out.

 

If we get through this, or in my next relationship though, I will definitely pay more attention to making sure my significant other feels wanted.

[Noideanow]

Dont neglect his feelings (and say it is silly or whatever to the reaction he has) Be very sensitive because everything you give out Will come back to you, ms moralpreacher here;)