Muslim bf not telling his parents about me

[Jejangles]

I think when you date someone from a different culture / religion, you have to understand the challenges they may face. My boyfriend is of a different culture and there are certain expectations of how he would meet / marry someone. So his parents did not know about me for the first 5 months (his siblings knew within a couple of months).

 

I did a lot of research of his culture's attitudes to mixed relationships, and also read accounts of women in similar relationships, so I felt very prepared to deal with the situation. And I feel lucky that his parents have easily accepted us, even if that acceptance comes with a lot of pressure to get married and have babies!

 

That said, I would feel very uncomfortable with your situation. A total of 5 years is a very long time to be kept secret! How can your relationship truly flourish when you can't fully share in each other's lives? And how do you know that in four years his family will accept you? I think if I was in that scenario, I would walk away now and if we were both free and available at the time when he was able to tell his parents, I would revisit the relationship then. In the meantime, there's a good chance you will meet someone else who does not have such restrictions around them.

[SexyPenguin]

Hi OP,

 

You're in a tog

[SexyPenguin]

Hi OP,

 

You're in a toughie as you obviously really like this guy. I understand his fears and I understand if you don't want to leave him... but seriously think about it - do you want to be hidden from your boyfriend's family? After a year or more, attending family functions as a couple, getting to know his family and he yours are all healthy and fun aspects of a serious relationship. Its a pretty big thing of him to ask of you and I would consider telling him you are seriously struggling with it and see how he responds.

 

Chin up, life and relationships are complex sometimes but that doesnt make your BF a bad guy - you just may need to put the foot down.

[preraph]

Don't press to meet the parents or him tell about you because they will likely just make him marry someone of their choosing if they think it's getting serious and nip that right in the bud.

[doyathinkso]

You are just his little dirty secret, sort of like his stress relieving practice toy.

 

The time will come when his parents will find him a nice Muslim girl that he's never met and he will marry her.

 

Why don't you try and find a boyfriend who comes from this century?

Edited September 28, 2016 by doyathinkso

[elaine567]

You are just his little dirty secret, sort of like his stress relieving practice toy.

 

The time will come when his parents will find him a nice Muslim girl that he's never met and he will marry her.

 

Yes, I am afraid you are probably correct.

Walking away from Islam is not easy, hence why the OP is a secret. He will not I guess ever renounce his faith.

I also guess that his parents are pretty strict if they would disown him and stop his money if they knew about the OP, so the chances of them being "moderate" Muslims that will accept the OP are probably nil or at best very low.

 

There Are Good Reasons to Not Date a Muslim Man

[Miss Peach]

Not sure if you have ever read anything by Evan Mark Katz. He actually did a podcast on this subject last week where he talked about his wife being Catholic and him being Jewish and he agreeing to raise the kids Jewish despite her family wanting them to be raised Catholic.

 

He basically said (and I agree with him) that your BF needs to be prepared to disappoint or put his foot down with his family. Otherwise it will be tough for it to work.

 

In any case, do you want to wait for him through medical school before you have the chance to potentially be integrated into his family? If you can't even coexist with them and they are close enough he cares what they think, then it will be a difficult relationship IMO.

 

FWIW I've dated Muslim men. Some were very secular. Some were more religious but were OK with it since it's considered to be passed down from the male. None of them had issues incorporating me into their lives. One even proposed.

[smackie9]

I speak from experience....these things rarely work out.

[Satu]

"Who is that woman I saw leaving your house today, Yusuf?"

 

"Oh, her? She's my cleaner."

 

"I don't think its right for you to be alone in the house with her."

 

"Don't worry Mama, I won't do that"

Edited September 28, 2016 by Satu

[Sunnymae]

You said he doesn't believe in the religion, and doesn't practice it, but it's against his religion to date you? Somethings not right, Seems like an oxymoron. Tell him that he's not making any sense. If he loves you like he says, why keep it a secret? According to what he said he's not practicing the Muslim religion, so why is he being so stealth.

You gotta do what's best for you! Think with your brain, not your emotions. Base your decisions on common sense. Think long term. Observe how he treats his mom, does he treat her with respect and love, would he stand up on her behalf. The way he treats a man interacts with his mother is a good indication of how he'll be with you. You deserve respect, love, someone who wants to announce, and proclaim his love for you, not hide it.

He sounds like a narcissist. Run and don't look back.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think this relationship is viable under these circumstances, OP.

 

Think about it: he is afraid to even tell them he is dating you. Where do you think that would leave you if want to marry and have children?

 

It doesn't sound like he would renounce his faith altogether, given his family ties. Unless you convert yourself, this probably won't work out.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Sounds like he's embarrassed to mention he has you- like your his side project.

 

Someone that loves you, is proud to admit it under any given circumstances.

 

 

I would run forest run. Sorry but very rarely do these circumstances work out.

[burritosntacos]

This isn't a case of her boyfriend's parents struggling to accept her. It's a case of the OP's boyfriend being so scared/certain of his parents' rejection of this girl that he wants to hide her for FOUR YEARS.

 

Sure, this could conceivably work out, but the odds are unbelievably low. To me, that would not be worth putting four years worth of skin into the game.

 

So should I give him an ultimatum, to tell his parents or leave? My emotions are kind of getting over my mind right now cuz I really like this guy. But also very afraid of it going badly.

[JewelD]

I think you're past the point of ultimatums. If he was really serious about you he wouldn't have kept you a secret this entire time.

 

I imagine he will probably call your bluff and see if you would actually break up with him. Or he will just lie to you. I don't know how much truth there is to his parents not approving of this relationship but the way he's treated you says he probably doesn't care enough to get into the drama of introducing you to them. He would have done it by now if he wanted to.

 

I get that you like this guy, but he doesn't seem to think very much of you. You should be prepared to break up with him otherwise you will probably just be waiting around for something that's not going to happen.

[Pete2304]

As I said in a previous post, isn't anyone prepared to consider the notion that OP's boyfriend doesn't agree with his parents views? For a start, if his family would likely disown him and or cut off financial support because he was dating a Christian woman then he clearly doesn't share all of their views.

 

Medical school is a long and costly experience and I doubt very many people have managed to fund themselves through it.

 

OP, I don't think you need to force his hand with telling his parents because you are then effectively asking him to choose between medical school and you, not his parents and you. Just give it time, you will know in time if this man is someone you want to spend your life with.

[burritosntacos]

As I said in a previous post, isn't anyone prepared to consider the notion that OP's boyfriend doesn't agree with his parents views? For a start, if his family would likely disown him and or cut off financial support because he was dating a Christian woman then he clearly doesn't share all of their views.

 

Medical school is a long and costly experience and I doubt very many people have managed to fund themselves through it.

 

OP, I don't think you need to force his hand with telling his parents because you are then effectively asking him to choose between medical school and you, not his parents and you. Just give it time, you will know in time if this man is someone you want to spend your life with.

 

Of course, I would never want to sabotage his career making him choose me or school. He's worked too hard to get there. I think I'm mostly afraid of him ending it later and me being hurt. My reason for concern is that even thought I know he doesn't like the traditional ways of semi arranged marriage, I know that family is highly valued in western culture. I'm afraid he cares too much about his family to dissapoint them. But he tells me they'd get over any dissaproval over time.

Should I just let this go and continue on and see if this actually works. The gossip and other stories of bad Muslim relationship endings are scaring me but he has never done anything to hurt me or lose my trust.

 

(Also, thank you, your responses are kind of keeping me same with a more positive outlook)

[doyathinkso]

Were you one of those kids that just had to put your hand on the glowing red burner on the stove despite your parents warnings not to?

 

How did that work out for you?

[burritosntacos]

Were you one of those kids that just had to put your hand on the glowing red burner on the stove despite your parents warnings not to?

 

How did that work out for you?

 

That's kind of implying this can NEVER work. Successful interfaith marriages happen, rarely, but they do.

[JewelD]

But he has done something to hurt you. He is keeping you a secret and expecting you to be okay with it. There's a difference between being positive and being naive.

 

If you accept his conditions, you are telling him he's allowed to treat you as less than what you're worth. You are also potentially being set up to be one of several "girlfriends", if you're not already.

 

If mommy and daddy will funnel him money whenever he wants so long as he doesnt piss them off by bringing you home, you will probably never meet them. Why should he cut off his family after med school when you are clearly okay with being a secret? He will get cozy with the situation and not want to change it after 4 long years, assuming that your relationship even makes it to that point.

 

Also consider he may be serious about the traditions and is using you to pass the time. He won't admit it, of course, until some time has passed and it's time to knuckle down and get serious about his marriage prospects. Probably will happen right after he graduates from med school.

[eightytwenty]

Is he worth the risk for the next 4 years?

 

This comes to mind for me. I wouldn't even date that long if there wasn't a ring involved or atleast a engagement, but that doesn't mean much if he won't tell his parents. Only thing that I would agree with is waiting for the engagement is him being in school. I think guys know within 2 years if they are going to marry you or not. Waiting that long for him to tell his parents, and wait that long to do anything with you? I might have to rethink the situation. It could come out good or not, but waiting 4 year to find out, ekk....

 

 

If he was a Christian not telling his parents I would of been gone a long time ago. His situation I would have to really believe trust and love him. Maybe keep going but watch him, and wait for red flags, make sure not to have the love blinders on.

Edited October 4, 2016 by eightytwenty

[smackie9]

That's kind of implying this can NEVER work. Successful interfaith marriages happen, rarely, but they do.

They work because their families and their level of faith are more liberal rather than conservative.

[elaine567]

They work because their families and their level of faith are more liberal rather than conservative.

 

Yes, and/or the participants may renounce their faith completely or convert.

 

I doubt a man who is scared of telling his parents he has a non-Muslim gf and plans on hiding her from them for at least 4 years, comes from a liberal family.

Is dating or falling in love prohibited in Islam?

[Pete2304]

Of course, I would never want to sabotage his career making him choose me or school. He's worked too hard to get there. I think I'm mostly afraid of him ending it later and me being hurt. My reason for concern is that even thought I know he doesn't like the traditional ways of semi arranged marriage, I know that family is highly valued in western culture. I'm afraid he cares too much about his family to dissapoint them. But he tells me they'd get over any dissaproval over time.

Should I just let this go and continue on and see if this actually works. The gossip and other stories of bad Muslim relationship endings are scaring me but he has never done anything to hurt me or lose my trust.

 

(Also, thank you, your responses are kind of keeping me same with a more positive outlook)

 

Firstly you're more than welcome. Unlike (I'm assuming now) some of the people who've replied on here, I have a fair bit of experience of multiculturalism and of course it can work. At the end of the day if you and this man love each other then neither his parents, his education or anything else will come between you. I think you need to talk but I also think that some of the responses have been bordering on the ridiculous. It doesn't matter if one person in a relationship is a 76 year old transgender, bisexual, Spanish person with bright green hair and 15?kids and the other is a 21 year old high school football captain who could have any woman he wants as long as it works and it's genuine. Just don't stress about the outside factors, if this is love, you will know. That's all that matters. I'd love to log on here in a year or two years and hear that things are going great for you.

[Blanco]

I think you need to talk but I also think that some of the responses have been bordering on the ridiculous. It doesn't matter if one person in a relationship is a 76 year old transgender, bisexual, Spanish person with bright green hair and 15?kids and the other is a 21 year old high school football captain who could have any woman he wants as long as it works and it's genuine. Just don't stress about the outside factors, if this is love, you will know. That's all that matters.

 

I'm sorry, but this is a ridiculous statement coming from you given the absolute toxic marriage you've tethered yourself to for more than a decade.

 

Love is not all that matters.

[Pete2304]

I'm sorry, but this is a ridiculous statement coming from you given the absolute toxic marriage you've tethered yourself to for more than a decade.

 

Love is not all that matters.

 

It is if both of them are actually in love. There was only ever one of us in my marriage who was in love.